Wow, my VERY FIRST FANFIC IS DONE!!!!!!! Funny, though, I never thought it
would be a sadfic. Oh, well, what's done is done, for better or worse. =)

If you would, PLEASE send all C&C to jedediah@tri-countynet.net. And, since
this is my first fanfic, please be gentle.

I'll try.  

The premise that Ryouga would, for whatever reason, become depressed
enough to take his own life is certainly plausible.  The idea that he would
blow what he sees as his faults out of proportion to the point that he could
no longer bear to live is plausible.  In other words, there's material here that
you can work with for a good story.

The problem I had with this, though, was that it smacked of a Character
Slam.  I use capital letters for that because I'm referring to a particular kind
of fanfic writing - perhaps my least favorite of all.  When I say Character 
Slam, I don't mean a story in which a given character is portrayed in a bad
light, or falls in some way because of his/her own weaknesses.  These can
all be done well, and I've enjoyed many stories in which characters of whom
I am very fond meet some sort of bad fate.  

The difference, to me, is whether the author gives the character a fair shake -
whether he or she lets the character stand or fall on his/her own merits.  When
I see a Character Slam, though, I see an author who is merely venting his or
her particular dislike for a character, shaping the story deliberately to do that
character a bad turn.  It can ruin a good story for me.  When it's the entire basis
for a story, I have a real problem with it.

Lately, it's been open season on Ryouga for Character Slams, but these things
go in cycles.  Before, it's been Akane, or Shampoo, or Kuno, or Ranma... and
so forth.  It really doesn't matter to me which character is on the receiving end
of the slam - it always leaves me cold.  Quite frequently, the Character Slam is
accompanied by an equally unbalanced Character Adoration, in which the slammed
character's rival is portrayed in an all-too-perfect light.  I'm not real keen on that
either.

Now, your story may not have been intended to be a Character Slam - certainly,
there were elements in it which would suggest otherwise.  I'm hoping this is
the case.  However, it did come across to me that the basic premise was that
if Ryouga ever took a good look at himself, he'd be so appalled by what he saw
that he'd take his own life.  That, I feel, qualifies as the dreaded Character Slam.
If this was not what you intended, then you might reconsider your presentation
of the whole idea.  

For instance, what tipped Ryouga over the edge?  As it is now, all we can guess
is that he got up one morning, took a good look in the mirror, and said: "I really
suck."  That seems like a tough pill to swallow.  Perhaps the ambiguity was 
deliberate - I can understand wanting to write a story in which everyone is confused 
and shocked about a friend's suicide, unable to make sense of it all.  Ranma's 
reaction seemed to capture that.  If that's what you want to write, that's a very 
powerful story to tell. I'd try to focus more on that than Ryouga's "confession."  

When I say it seemed like a Character Slam, it's because there are elements to
Ryouga's letter which just don't seem to make any sense, even for someone who's
gone into despair.  For instance...

I know you waited as long as you could for me. Hell, to be honest,
I thought you would leave after a few hours, not a few days. When I showed

Now, to give the character a fair shake, you have to try to look at things from
his or her perspective.  Ranma knew all about Ryouga's lack of direction - that's
established.  From Ryouga's point of view, he should have been willing to wait
as long as it took for Ryouga - handicapped as he is by something over which
he has no control - to make it there.  It probably wouldn't have made any 
difference if Ranma had found him later and re-scheduled the fight... but Ranma
disappeared.  Ryouga's take on the situation may seem irrational, but he does
have a case.  

"I had convinced myself that you hated each other. I denied what I
could plainly see. What any fool with eyes in his head could see. You and
she were in love, even if you couldn't admit it to each other. Ukyo and
Shampoo could probably see it, too.

       "I can no longer deny the truth. It twists a knife in my heart every
time I see you two so happy together. Every time I see the rings on your
fingers, I realize anew that Akane was never meant for me.

Ryouga is revising history here - and that's not necessarily a bad thing, because
people do that, but it came across to me as very unbalanced.  The "love that
was plain to see" between Ranma and Akane is a real stretch, especially in 
the earlier stories where Ryouga is more actively attempting to take Akane away
from Ranma.  After all, Akane frequently showed Ryouga genuine, open affection
(always as a friend, from her perspective, but it's very easy to misinterpret that
sort of thing when you're young and in love), and even went on dates with him.  
He has a case for thinking she might love him someday.  

That he would give up on Akane when she openly declared her love for Ranma
seems very in character to me, but that it would drive him to kill himself does
not.

you all the love and happiness that I never had. I'm so sorry for all that
I've done to both of you. Ranma Saotome, you are indeed the most honorable
of men...far more so than I. 

Now this really is a stretch, even in miserable state in which Ryouga must have
been to write such a letter and committ such an act.  This is the same Ranma
who has donned a dress and pretended to be Ryouga's girlfriend, fiancee, and
sister on various occasions.  Ryouga, of all people, has seen Ranma at his least
honorable.  For him to say that Ranma is "a good man" after all or something 
seems likely, but for him to say he's "the most honorable of men" strikes me as
less than throughly plausible.  

This is hardly the most flagrant Character Slam I've ever seen - in fact, I'm not
sure that it was meant to be such a thing at all.  I would consider going back
and exploring your own reasons for writing the story.  If your reason was that
you think Ryouga is really an honorless coward and you wanted to show the
world, then I don't have much to say to help you, other than that I don't see a
whole lot of merit in slamming any character like that.  If, though, you wanted
to show us something about suicide - how a person can be driven to take such
an act, how it affects those who witness it, or that sort of thing - then you have
a very powerful story idea.  Ryouga is an extremely likely character to use 
for such a story, given his fatalistic nature, but to write him convincingly you
may have to make more of an effort to get to know him.  

I hope this is of some value to you, and good luck with your writing.

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless