From: skeezy5
Sent: Thursday, August 27, 1998 11:04 PM

Whew.  I skipped the tags and presumed it was a Ranma
fic.  I was afraid for a moment that Mr. Lawson had
wrote a Happousai story... *Shudder* ^_^

<shudder> indeed.  That'd be the day.

She smiled over the sound of the screaming.  "Lovely,
isn't it?"

"Smiling, she said over the sound of the screaming,"

You can't really smile "over" screams.  Also, shouldn't
it be "Lovely, aren't they?"

Okay, mini-essay.  :)

First of all, skeezy5, I truly appreciate the time you took to C&C this.
Very, very few people go over my fics in such fine detail, and I appreciate
it tremendously.  Thank you.

Many of the grammar criticisms you make are entirely correct.  However, I
have intentionally violated grammar in almost every instance you point out.

It's a matter of style.  Fanfics - indeed, all stories - need not be written
like formal essays or scholarly dissertations.  For myself, I go for a much
more conversational, informal "voice".  Especially in places where I am
trying to create a mood more than anything else.

Grammatically, formally, yes, your criticisms are valid.  I, personally,
like to do things like use incomplete sentences or descriptive compound
phrases.  Grammatically indefensible, but conversationally valid.

To use a more famous example:  splitting infinitives is a bad thing to do,
but it wouldn't sound as dramatic to say, "To go boldly where no man has
gone before!".

"Um..."  The man looked down at the flower, turned
partly away, then shoved a hand into his pocket.

The discription in the first sentance is slightly disjointed. 
Though it is a sequential flow of events, it is not a
sequential flow of thoughts in his mind, but an abrubt change
of mind.

Good point.

My memory is a bit sketchy.  Did she already know about
the lifestream and the... Cetra (Is that what they're
called?  Haven't played in a while.)?  I seem to be under
the impression that she found out later.

Aeris's behavior throughout the first disc is a bit confusing.  She seems to
be at once clueless and all-knowing.  She acts surprised at times and as if
she knows how everything it going to end at times.

Frankly, I found large parts of the story of the game incoherent.  :)  The
way I have her act in this story is, I think, at least defensible.

Last sentance - revivifying -> reviving

I used "revivifying" because "reviving" might just be waking someone up.
"Revivifying" makes if clear that they're coming back from the dead.

A power junction was malfunctioning.  Green sparks were 
flying from it, sending up a small shower of energy that
floated for a few seconds before fading.

Oh...  I wish you described this scene better.  We all know
you can do better.  ^_^  The sparks, the confining of life...
It would enhance the ephemeral, waning feeling of the entraped
lifestream if you made the description a bit richer.

Perhaps true.  Will think on it.

They would know a moment, two moments, of peace 
and... love.

Two moments?  I assume at the "Golden Saucer" and right 
before she dies?

I actually didn't have specific instances in mind; I don't think she can see
the future in *that* much detail.  :)  I only meant that the instances would
be few and fleeting.

I'd add a third - near the end when Cloud looks into the
life stream.  Aerith has joined the life stream, and I always
felt that he had felt her when he plunged in...  In fact,
when he's travelling down to fight Sephiroth, I always
envisioned all those who had fallen to be travelling
with him.  (Biggs, Wedge, The Other Guy, Aeris' first boy 
friend, Aeris, etc...)  The way I always felt was that they
guided him down to the final fight with Sephiroth, kind of
merging with him to give him strength...
Ack.  I'm rambling...

But it's a *good* ramble.  You should write your own FF7 fic.  :)

But she was selfish enough to want to enjoy life
as she lived it.  And she would enjoy as much of
it as she could in the coming days.  With help.

The sparks continued to flow, continued to scream,
and all of a sudden she didn't want to listen any
more.  She stood and clasped her hands in front of
her face, as if to warm them, silently praying.
I'm coming, Mother.  I'll be there soon.

Ooh.  That's an excellent use of source material.

Thanks.

I spent a while last night trying to find a site that had the opening scene
for me to download.  Then I realized that the advantage to having the PC
game is that all of the cutscenes are on the discs.  In plain ol' .avi
format, unscrambled.  I could watch all of the cut scenes at my leisure.  So
I played the opening scene over and over again, trying to fit my story in.

As a historical, nobody-cares-but-me note:  I did much the same thing when
writing my very first fanfic, "Heart of the Home".

I always thought RPG fanfiction had an immense potential -
especially in making explanations for the source material.

Yes!  There's quite a bit that's incoherent about FF7; I really would like
to see that story told in more detail, slowed down and spelled out.  Since a
FF7 novel is unlikely, fanfics have to leap in and fill the gap.  :)

She stopped at the end of alley as the traffic zoomed by on 

"... the end of the alley..."

D'oh!

Commentor's Notes:

A good delve into the mind of Aeris.  It captured her
love for life quite well.

Thanks.

It didn't capture her playful side as much, but the mood
of the piece being as it was, quite understandable.

Thanks again.  And I *did* want to try and tie in some of her playfulness,
but couldn't find a convenient way to do that.  And, as you said, it was
slightly contrary to the mood I was trying to create.

Personally, as a Tifa Fan, I'll have to wrinkle my nose at
this.  ^_~  (You thought the "Who is the Best Babe in Ranma"
Debate was harsh???  Man...  Aeris vs. Tifa was worse... 
*Shudder*)

I subscribed to alt.games.final-fantasy for about two hours.  High volumes
of spam.  A few raging debates over "best babe".  Some people so sick of the
"Can Aeris(th) be revived" question that they scream every time it's asked.
:)

I fell for Aeris hard - or, at least, as hard as anyone can or should fall
in love with a fictional character.  I was bummed that she died, of course.
And I was never able to see much in Tifa's character.  Her only
characteristic seemed to be that she would stand by Cloud through thick and
thin.  I guess that's fine in and of itself, but I'm always reminded of
Eddie Murphy in "Coming to America".

-Richard
-"Now bark like a dog." <yap yap yap>  "A *big* dog."  <Woof!  Woof!  Woof!>