Onna-Happousai:  Apparently, Herb sold his soul to Mephisto, 
Satannish, Dispater, Mammon, Dormammu, Beelzebub, Arawn, 
Cthulhu, Elvis, Graz'zt, Hunter Thompson, Chthon, Thulsa Doom, 
and some girl in a brothel in Singapore.  At least six of the 
above just sent their armies to collect.

Elvis is a demon? I'll buy that.

Nabiki:  I've gone from Tokyo to eastern Kansas in 60 seconds 
with Ryouga because I didn't look where we were going.  You 
could end up on Mars.

Ken:  No Hibiki has ever ended up on Mars.

****************

[We see a man who bears a strong resemblence to Ken, but 
dressed in jungle fatigues, tracking across a grey, dusty desert 
under a starry sky.]

Ryu Hibiki:  [Ken's brother]  Hmm.  This doesn't LOOK like I'm 
getting any closer to Saigon.  Maybe this walking tour was a bad 
idea.  

[He sees an odd multi-legged gold and grey platform off in the 
distance.  There is a flag flying near it.  He runs towards it, 
then blinks at the US flag.]

Ryu:  First that weird ruined palace, then a US flag in the 

An allusion to BSSM, I presume. Well, it's not Mars, but...

Grandma:  Of course.

Nodoka:  Best go clean up, dear.  My parents are coming to 
dinner.

Grandpa:  [freezes up for a moment, then says]  
Your...parents...are... coming?

Nodoka:  They thought they'd come stay with us for a week.

Soun:  It's been quite a while.  I look forward to seeing them.

Grandma:  It's a pity that my husband and I have to go hide at 
the bottom of the Paris sewer in a few hours.  I was looking 
forward to seeing your parents again.  Really.

Saotome Secret Technique #502: Get rid of Unwanted In-Laws by
inviting *their* In-Laws over.

Grandpa:  Didn't they swear to eat the heart of every Saotome if 
they ever saw any of us again?

If most Saotomes are like Genma's parents, then I'd probably swear
that too if one married *my* daughter.

[Grandpa and Grandma run out the door.  We hear frenzied 
packing, and then a car driving away.]

Soun:  I didn't realize they had a car.

They do now ^_^

Nodoka:  My parents are not monsters!

I beg to differ, Lady.

Onna-Happousai:  Once upon a time there was a desperate 
master of martial arts who was highly tempted to kick a bunch 
of people off a boat flying 2000 feet in the air over a desert 
that instantly kills anyone who lands on it.  [pauses]  Would you 
like to see how this story ends, or shall I go back to my first 
one?

Hitomi:  The desert kills people?

Onna-Happousai:  The boat seems to have chosen the approach to 
the temple that crosses the Deadly Desert, which instantly 
kills anyone touching it.

Akane:  You're making this up.

Onna-Happousai:  [advances on Akane]  Would you like to 
participate in a demonstration of whether or not I'm lying?

Akane:  [big eyes]  Umm...no.

Happousai's actually showing some sense here. BTW: I liked the
comic relief provided by Shinnosuke in this and later scenes.

Shinnosuke:  [angrily]  Akane's cooking is WONDERFUL!  [stands 
up]  I won't stand for this!

Ukyou:  You're standing now.

Shinnosuke:  [sits down]  I won't stand for this!

Ukyou:  [laughs]  Stand for what?

Shinnosuke:  [blinks]  Should I stand up?

WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Shinnosuke:  [shaking slightly]  I think even I can't forget this.

Ukyou:  Just try to make sure you don't tell them I was your 
mom.

Shinnosuke:  [big eyes] You're my mother?  Is this like Back to 
the Future?

Ukyou:  [thinking]  It's times like this that I understand why 
people take oaths of silence.

My mother has a memory like this. Seriously.

Grandpa Tanuki:  Well, I thought you had wimped out and weren't 
going to commit suicide after all.  Can we finish that before 
dinner?  That way we can't lose our meal if it gets gruesome.

Genma:  [turns to Nodoka]  WHY DID YOU TELL THEM I WAS GOING 
TO COMMIT SUICIDE?

Grandpa Tanuki:  Well, if you'd rather have privacy for it, we 
can come back later.  I assumed it was just going to be the 
centerpiece of the night's festivities.

Nodoka:  I did NOT tell you that Genma was going to commit 
suicide!

Grandma Tanuki:  [pats his shoulder]  I merely said that he 
would do that if we were lucky, dear.

I like them. They make a nice counterbalance to Genma's parents.

Ranma:  He is.  [sighs]  I wanted to tell you, but I couldn't.  I 
made a promise.  I don't want to be like Pop, breaking my 
promises every time they're inconvenient!

Akane:  I thought I meant something to you!

Ranma:  You do!  You're very important to me!

Between a rock and a hard place...

[We see Akane lying in a bed, crying, in a small, cramped room.  
There is a knock on the door.]

Akane:  [screams]  GO TO HELL!

Shinnosuke:  [through the door]  I thought we were trying to 
avoid that.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Akane:  [shakes her head]  Just watch out for... [they round a 
bend, and a giant three headed dog sits in front of a pair of 
bronze gates. It looks up at them and snarls]  Something like 
that.

Shinnosuke:  So THIS is where that dog went.  I was thinking 
maybe I'd forgotten it dying.

Akane:  [blinks]  You know this...ummm...

Shinnosuke:  Well, it didn't use to have three heads, but I 
recognize Sparky.  Come here, Sparky!  [makes come hither 
gestures to the dog, which stops snarling and bounds forward, 
knocking down Shinnosuke and licking him]

Cerberus is Shinnosuke's pet?

Ranma:  Trapdoor spiders don't snare things in webbing.  They 
just ambush and eat prey by popping up by surprise.  

I thought Ranma failed Biology.

[The boat is being poled by a man in a robe.  The robe hides all 
but his pale, soft white hands]

Shinnosuke:  Can you take us down the river?  Or wherever we 
need to go?

Boatman:  All who would ride must pay with two coins.

Ah, Charon.

Boatman:  Think Yuppie Demon.

Yuppie Deamons?! AAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHH!

************

[We see Ranma and Ukyou trussed up in some webs while a 
bunch of one foot long spiders and the huge wolf spiders are 
having a discussion.]

Wolf Spider #1:  No, no, you use white wine with humans, red 
with cats.

Large Spider #1:  I still think we need to marinate them.

Wolf Spider #2:  What is it with you and marinating things?  
And if you start talking about Chinete paper plates, I'm going to 
eat you.

Large Spider #1:  Hey, man, Chinete doesn't let the blood leak 
out on the ground.  That's the best part of humans, usually.  
Besides, I got T'Z'l'L'c'chk to make the marinade in advance THIS 
time.

T'Z'l'L'c'chk:  [another large spider]  I was supposed to use 
jalapenos, right?

Wolf Spider #3:  Look, only rattlesnakes are so uncouth as to 
use jalapenos in HUMAN marinade.  That's for ELVES.

Great. Gourmet spiders.

Ranma:  Yeah, there's these six armies of demons and...

Delivery Man:  The ones who followed me in through the service 
entrance?

Ranma:  ...

Ukyou:  There's a service entrance?

D'oh!

Akane:  Ack!  Demons!

[The tiara clad demon nods, but the others all shake their heads]

Bone Monster #5:  We've decided that term is archaic and 
denigratory, used only to discriminate against us.  We prefer 
the term 'Tanaari' now.

Bone Monster #8:  I thought we changed our species name so 
that the Moral Majority wouldn't boycott us.  We never should 
have let Disney buy us out, anyway.

Bone Monster #6:  Technically, it's more like a genus or even a 
family name.  I've been working on extending the classification 
system to include supernatural beings.  So, we'd belong to the 
fourth Kingdom, 'Unnaturale', and then the Phylum would be 
determined by alignment, so our Phylum is Lawfulus Evilus, 
and...

Tiara wearing monster:  Hey, I'm chaotic evil!

Bone Monster #3:  Hey, you HAVE to be lawful evil to be from 
the Nine Hells!

Tiara Wearing Monster:  Oh, umm...[starts to sweat]  I guess I 
just got confused.

Bone Monster #23:  Hey, she's a type five demon!  Why are we 
following her?

Tiara Wearing Monster:  [turns to face him]  We no longer answer to 

such

a
generic term as 'type V' or a denigratory term such as 'demon'.  We' 
prefer to be called Baatezu, and I prefer to use my name, which 
is Denise, instead of a silly 'Type whatever' designation.  I have 
an identity beyond my species, thank you.  

Bone Monster #5:  [gravely] While normally I would applaud your 
enlightened sentiments, I'm afraid due to the fact that our 
respective planes of existence have been at war for all of 
eternity, I'm going to have to help them annhilate you.  

Denise:  [nods]  I understand.  I'll kill you last as a gesture of my 
respect.

Bone Monster #6:  Thank you.

[The monsters begin beating each other up, while Akane and 
Hitomi run.] 

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

Ukyou:  You guys do know you're going to die, right?

Mr. Butts [ a Cigarette Demon]:  Hah!  Unlike you, we have no 
lungs to turn black!

Ukyou:  I was thinking of the fact that you're going to burn to 
ash.

Cigarette Demon:  ...

It seems that all of the lesser villains and lackeys in any story are
never very bright, doesn't it?

Ukyou:  This isn't salt and pepper.  [hurls it into the air, where 
it becomes a huge mottled cloud over the heads]  It's flour 
mixed with gunpowder.

Isn't that tempura flakes mixed with gunpowder?

Ranma:  Keep searching.  [sounds desperate]  SOMETHING opens 
those doors up.

Hitomi:  Maybe they never closed them before.

Ranma:  Try not to have any more helpful thoughts like that, 
okay?  We don't want to give the universe any suggestions.

Sorta like saying "what else could go wrong?"

 

That too is a mask, which he rips off, revealing a sinister 
looking man with a long pointed nose, sparse dark hair, and a 
long moustache that curls at the ends]  Ahah!  So the Dread 
Dormammu is actually... Snidely Whiplash!  

Snidely:  Curses, foiled again!  

Where's Dudely Do-Right when you need him?

Dentist:  The Mindless Ones destroyed the Dark Dimension, and 
you fell through the resulting rift into my office, so I decided 
to use you to practice my oral surgery skills.

Herb:  ...

Dentist:  I wasn't sure if I still remembered how to do a root 
canal, you see, and...

So Herb's still in Hell, I see.

Akane:  I hate to take this guy's clothing, but I can't just 
wander around nude.  [returns to the battleground.  The Flaming 
demons are burning away to nothing]  I can't believe I beat them 
all.  I must be invulnerable somehow.  [looks at the stone door]  
Maybe I'm stronger too.  [tries punching the wall.  Nothing 
happens, but she doesn't feel it]  I can't lift it...no way to get 
my fingers under it.  There's got to be a mechanism around here 
somewhere... [starts feeling along the wall.  She finds a panel 
that opens, and inside is a push-button]  Ahah!  [pushes it.  
There is a great grinding noise, and far down the hallway, she 
can hear the sound of a spring being released.  The far end opens 
up and a huge pinball shoots down the corridor straight at her]  
I hate pinball.

Reminds me of Dragonball episode #11. (English title: The Penalty is...
Pinball!)

Monk #4:  Intruders!  Danger, Will Robinson!  Danger!  Danger!

Monk #5:  [clonks #4 on the head with a batarang]  Calm down, 
Bruce.  

Monk #4:  You didn't have to hit me in the head, Bruce!

Monk #18:  Yes, but only violence makes you shut up, Bruce.  

Lemme guess: they're all Bruce.

Monk #3:  [to Ranma]  Who are you and why have you come to the 
temple of the Angry Buddha?

Hitomi:  [flatly]  I'm an idiot.

Monk #9:  Well, I have to say your honesty is refreshing.

BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

[We see Ukyou, wandering through a maze of hallways.  Each one 
seems to open onto a scene of someone being tortured in some 
way, from endlessly rolling a boulder to the top of a hill, only 
to have it roll down at the last moment to someone being 
forced to watch Friends.  At this last sight, Ukyou hastily 
slams the door.]

Ukyou:  No one deserves that much punishment.  [hears 
movement behind her]  Who's there?

Mammon:  My apologies.  I'm afraid you were mistaken for 
Happousai.  Those responsible are being dealt with.

[We see Big Nose and Big Butt.  They have been locked in a room 
with Jean Paul Sartre, and are pounding on the walls, begging to 
be locked out as he drones on.]

Now *those* are tortures.

Ranma:  I am NOT a pervert!

Demon #2345:  Then you are Happousai.

Isn't that kind of oxymoronic?

[We see Genma sitting at the dinner table in the Saotome family 
living room.  Grandma Tanuki (Nodoka's Mother) is seated at the 
table, staring across it at Genma in silence.  He is seated next 
to a plate that is mostly empty except for a few bits of food, 
and a small pile of peas.  His arms are crossed over his chest as 
he stares at her.  They sit in silence for a long time, and 
finally, an exhausted Ranma straggles in through one door.]

Ranma:  [yawns]  Hi, Dad.  Having a staring contest?

Grandma Tanuki:  He isn't leaving this table until he cleans his 
plate.

So, Genma doesn't want to eat all of his vegetables...


Phil

prohackr@hotmail.com


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