With Sakura and Nabiki* on my lap, I shall heed thy plea for assistance.
As always, you can take my advice and chuck it out a window, I'll get
over it.
*(Note: Sakura and Nabiki being the family cats, and slaves for
attention in a most un-catlike way.)
Jonathan Ng wrote:
"First Sons"
Ranma 1/2 Fanfiction
Jonathan Ng <jonathan@worldy.com>
Ranma 1/2 and its respective characters are owned by Rumiko Takahashi
Publishing Rights go to Shogakukan Inc. Tokyo, Jademan (Holdings) Ltd.
and Viz Inc. for Japan, H.K. and North America, respectively.
<> indicate thoughts
Japanese terms:
Tadaima - I'm home!
Oniichan - older brother
Imouto - younger sister
Otousan - father
Yatta! - expression of joy
All names will be expressed in Japanese form e.g. Saotome Ranma.
Ah, good. As pointed out in my previous C&C, Japanese is nice, but does
little good if the reader doesn't know what it means. While this might
not be the most elegant solution, it works well enough.
As always, I shall snip without warning.
"Kazuya, you know you can do better than that." His mother said
firmly. Kazuya was capable of doing better than that, and both he
and his mother knew it. His father, however, usually railroads him
in more... "fun" stuff, so to speak.
'railroaded' Choose a tense, and stick to it in a paragraph.
Miko was a little bit slow, due to the fact that she put both Kazuya
and her shoes away first before stepping in. "Mother, school was
fine. In fact, I was able to enter the school band!"
Aroo? Put Kazuya away? 'splain please. And axe the 'first' in that
sentence because the use of the word 'before' indicates to the reader
that she does the action (putting away her shoes and Kazuya) first.
"That's very nice dear." Her mother's smile was brighter than the
sun, and more friendly as well. "I better get ready for dinner."
A comma after 'nice,' for the direct address of a character in speech.
Instead of 'more friendly', how about 'friendlier' instead?
Sister and brother looked at each other; expressions of horror were
painted on their faces. "No! No! You've been working hard all
day! Let us cook dinner!" They both said, a little too loudly.
"No, I insist. And you guys are gonna eat it, or else..."
If I had any doubt that these were the children of Ranma and Akane, they
were just dispelled. Many on this mailing list will point out that
Akane's cooking improves by the end of the manga, enough so as to cease
to be a point of conflict. We can only hope that she has improved even
more after a decade-and-change has passed.
Kazuya and Miko gulped. Kazuya whispered to Miko, "I'm gonna get
Father to come mediate this situation. Stall her until I get back."
"Oniichan!" But Kazuya already ran off towards the dojo.
* * * * *
"Dad!"
Kazuya's dad was finishing his teaching to another group. "All right,
spar amongst yourselves. What is it, Kazuya?"
"Mom's cooking tonight again."
Is this a surprise?
"Oh great." He grabbed a towel and wiped the sweat off his face. He
comma after 'oh'
was a full head taller than Kazuya; but otherwise they both looked
alike. Currently dressed in his red Chinese shirt and black pants,
he walked back to the living room to speak to his wife.
"Hi, Ranma." Saotome Akane greeted him as he walked in. "Almost
finished classes?"
Comma after 'Ranma'
"Yes, for the day. This is my last class. It looks like the kids
don't appreciate your cooking much." Ranma had a wry little smile
on his face.
Ranma's speech has improved. You'd think he was a productive, cultured,
and polite member of society now.
"They have to appreciate some homemade cooking once in a while. And
don't think of trying to sneak away, Kazuya-chan, Miko-chan." The
two kids froze in mid-step.
axe the 'some'
"I, uh, I have an assignment to do..." Miko stammered.
"Um, I have to practice my katas, that's right," Kazuya stuttered.
"Akane, let them go, for now." Ranma scratched the back of his head.
axe the comma after 'go'
"Ranma, I've got to teach them some respect!"
Kazuya and Miko took the temporary distraction to get away.
"See, Ranma? You've spoiled the kids." Akane put her hands on
her hips.
"I think I've spoiled you even more." He grabbed her, held her close,
and then kissed her, straight on the lips. "Come on. Let me cook
dinner tonight. It takes a lot for me to be doing something a woman
should do."
"Chauvinist." Was Akane's only answer.
comma after 'chauvinist' lowercase 'was'
Marriage has certainly mellowed him out. Hope I'm not like that after
long... (What was that, dear? No, you were hearing things. Go back to
sleep. :p )
* * * * *
After dinner, the Saotome father and son went out to the yard. A
wooden target was already placed. Akane, Grandpa Soun and Miko
silently watched them.
If this is a wooden post in the ground, the western term for it is
'pell' (dunno what the Japanese call it.)
Comma after 'Grandpa Soun'
With the demeanor of a teacher, Ranma said, "Let's see what you can
do with the Moko Takabisha." He indicated the target, the center
Since you're making this whole dialogue bit one sentence, lowercase 'l'
in 'Let's'
"Aww, come on, Dad. It was a distance of twenty meters and it's hard
to concentrate to get that precise size of a ball!" Kazuya
complained.
"Sorry, no excuses, son. I want you to continue practicing until you
get it right, along with all the other exercises." Ranma held his
ground.
Damn... Ranma grew up to be a taskmaster.
Soun interrupted with a wail and a, "My son-in-law and my grandson are
getting along so well! Genma would be proud! Waaah!"
"Grandpa Soun!" yelled Kazuya and Miko at the same time.
"Some things never change." Ranma and Akane sighed.
Comma after 'change'
Puh-lease... Soun may be a wailer, but this was grossly unnecessary. It
was even painful. About the only purpose I could find in this bit was
the intimation that Genma was dead.
"Breakfast? It's nice of you to prepare this, but why? You don't
like my cooking?" Akane yawned as she came down the stairs.
What, sixteen years of this and she hasn't figured it out?
"Whoops! We're finished breakfast already. We forgot about you,
Dad. I'm sorry." Miko said with a wink.
comma after 'sorry'
"Don't worry! I'll whip up something for him." Akane grinned from
ear-to-ear.
"Ummm... Akane, can we skip breakfast today?" Ranma had a look of
horror on his face.
"Ranma..." Threatened Akane.
lowercase 't' in 'threatened'
And really, how much further do you plan to take this "Akane's cooking
sucks" shtick? It's starting to wear thin on me. I'm just thankful that
she hasn't started in with the mallet yet.
At the dojo, Miko and Kazuya stood in ready positions. Then Miko
axe the 'then'
initiated the attack, striking a dozen times at Kazuya's body, all
of which missed. Kazuya then counterattacked, striking Miko a dozen
times.
Did he connect?
Miko kicked at Kazuya in retaliation; her efforts were
successful, and Kazuya got slammed to the other side of the dojo wall.
Seeing an opening, she built up confidence, charged her hands with
chi...
"Moko Takabisha!" A ball of yellow chi about a half meter in diameter
came zooming towards Kazuya.
Kazuya narrowly avoided it. It struck the dojo wall instead. Were
it several years earlier, the wall would have crumbled... but instead,
it disappeared, thanks to the dissipative metal that Aunt Nabiki gave
Kazuya for his thirteenth birthday to cover the dojo with.
Well thank the dark gods for that! <cringe> 'Dissipative metal'? Rich
Aunt Nabiki? Whatever.
It was the
first time Kazuya performed the Moko Takabisha, and Nabiki just said,
"It's better than having to repair the dojo all the time."
While I can't argue with Nabs' logic, the method strikes me as odd. Ki
blasts routinely knock large holes in brick walls, and yet a little
sheet metal stops it?
Kazuya jumped straight up... and Miko's Moko Takabisha rose up and
hit him straight in the stomach, knocking him into the wall.
"Rising!" She finished.
"Yatta! I beat oniichan!" Kazuya's sister continued to jump up
and down.
Hmmm... Either combine these two bits of dialogue from Miko, or put a
paragraph between them detailing how Kayuza isn't getting up just yet.
"Ouch... You are getting better at this, but I'll beat you next time."
comma after 'time'
Kazuya grinned from his position on the floor. "We've still got an
hour, let's go take a bath and get dressed for school."
"Oh no you don't." The first son of the Saotome family glanced up at
the voice. It was Saotome Ranma, their dad. "You two are too big to
be taking baths together. And tsk, tsk, Kazuya-kun, being beaten by
your own sister."
<snicker> Kayuza displaying Mackie Stingray-like tendencies. Dear me...
The scary part is that Miko-chan doesn't automatically decline his
offer.
Ranma's dialogue still seems a bit too mature for him, even grown up and
the father of two.
"Hey! She caught me by surprise!" Whined Kazuya.
lowercase 'w' in 'whined'
Kazuya was too slow to avoid the kick Ranma sent his way, and he went
down. Ranma winked at him. "I have my ways. Now let's go take a
bath, father and son."
After the intimations of the last bath offer, I find this to be just a
wee bit disturbing...
In the bath, Ranma splashed himself with cold water, and scrubbed
himself with soap. "Good work, son. You've got the basics down pat,
but you need to work on endurance."
Okay... Ranma is not only polite, mature, and Ward Cleaveresque, he's
also cured? Joo got some 'splaining to do Mister Ng...
Kazuya gazed up at his raven-haired father. "It's always endurance.
Endurance, endurance, endurance. I think I'm gaining it just listening
to you say the word."
"You know, son, you're not the strongest guy in the world. You're far
from it. And to be able to win them, you have to learn to take hits."
'beat them,' whoever 'them' is.
They went into the tub, letting the hot water wash away their aches and
pains.
"Okay." Kazuya knew he couldn't win his father in an argument anyway.
'...beat (defeat) his father...'
* * * * *
For the first time in years, Miko and Kazuya walked seperately to
school. Miko was actively participating in several clubs at Fuurinkan,
and went out early to practice. Kazuya attended several clubs as well,
but since he doesn't have as many talents as Miko, he couldn't attend
as many.
Since when does talent preclude attendence?
Miko left right after her bath, and Kazuya enjoyed the
relative silence, actually. Not that his sister wasn't fun to be with;
quite the opposite, actually, with her bouncy bluish-black hair in a
ponytail and her generally bouncy attitude,
And given that questionable offer of a shared bath, that's not the only
bouncy thing he likes about his sister... <O_o>
Miko's enthusiasm was quite
contagious. But the damage to his ego by today's sparring match, plus
'caused by'
the fact that they were two different genders, Kazuya wasn't in much
of a mood to be together with her.
This sentence is very awkward. How about: "Because of the damage to his
ego from today's sparring match, in addition to the fact that they were
different genders, Kayuza wasn't in the mood for her companionship at
the moment."
"Hey, Kazuya! Fine day!"
It was Hibiki Kenichi, Ryouga's son. Both Kazuya and Kenichi were
in their school uniforms. Kenichi had thoughtfully decorated himself
with a yellow and black banadana, which matched the one on his guiding
pig, P-chan. The black pig was about the size of a dog, and it was
tied to Kenichi by a metal chain.
Aroo? Is this Ryouga? Or did he get a cure, as well?
"I miss summer." Kazuya said as they walked.
comma after 'summer'
"Me too. Dad taught me some new tricks. Can't wait to use them on
you." Kenichi flashed a toothy grin at the pigtailed boy. It was
indeed a rare moment when his dad came back to see him; Ryouga often
brought Kenichi to training trips where he'd get lost until at the
comma after 'lost.' Preferably, you should start a new sentence with "At
the age of nine,..." and axe the 'until'
age of nine Akari got Kenichi his guiding pig. Ryouga manages to
'managed'
find home and the Tendo dojo once in a while, but usually it takes
'took'
months. So every time Ryouga came home, he would train with Kenichi
for a month or two and wander off again.
"Hey, I haven't been slacking off myself." Kazuya returned the grin.
comma after 'off' (see a pattern here? I'm not going to point this out
anymore)
"Hey, we're at school. And as usual Mr. 'Shooting Star' is here."
Kenichi deadpanned.
The person in question was currently wearing a school uniform with
a bandoleer of mini-spatulas and a bokken by his side. He was
currently talking to some of his colleagues.
<snigger> Ukyo and Tatewaki...? Oh boy... Where is Zen when you need
him? Talk about catching each other on the rebound...
"Hey, Kazuya, Kenichi. Where's your sister?" The bokken-wielding boy
politely asked.
"We went to school seperately. My sister had something to do." Close
enough.
'separately'
"Too bad. I wanted to ask her out for a date. We would make a fine
couple."
Kenichi's heart skipped a beat. He knew Kunou Hoshio, AKA Shooting
AKA should be in lowercase.
Star, had interest in Kazuya's sister, but he never knew the
'an interest'
egotistical boy was that serious about her. He unconsciously wrung his
hands.
"At ease, Hibiki-kun." Kazuya's palm on his shoulder seemed to ease
him a little. "Bye, Kunou-kun. If you want to ask my sister out, go
ahead."
"She can't refuse a handsome looking guy like me. Good advice,
Kazuya. I'll be seeing you in class." Kunou Hoshio flashed a
confident smile, then attended to his other classmates.
Well, he must not have inheirited the ego gene from his old man.
Kenichi grabbed Kazuya and slammed him against the school wall. He
held enough of his strength, though, so the wall didn't rupture.
Aroo? Whyfore did pig-boy's son slam Kayuza against wall?
"Hey, Kenichi, can't we talk?" Kazuya was sweating a little bit.
you mean 'can we talk' of course.
* * * * *
The students of Class 1-E snapped to attention when Hinako-sensei came
into the room. Still in child form, but the male population of
Fuurinkan patiently waited for someone to get in trouble, when the
bell rang...
This was a wee bit awkward. Try "She was in her child form, and the male
population of Furinkan patiently waited for someone to get into trouble.
The bell rang...
...when Saotome Kazuya and Hibiki Kenichi burst into the room. They
saw Ninomiya Hinako-sensei's five-yen coin, and blanched.
"...And Saotome Kayuza and Hibiki Kenichi burst into the room."
Probably not the greatest example, but I was trying to keep your writing
intact. Sonmething along this line would work much better.
Miko ran ahead, resisting the urge to scream and blast them both. She
bumped into her brother and Kyoko, who were staring at each other
deeply, about to share a kiss.
"Imouto, them bothering you again? Alright, you can come with us."
An irate older brother said.
Awfully forgiving of him...
Behind them, sounds of fighting was heard. The trio ignored them.
'were hard' subject/verb agreement here.
After they were long gone, Kenichi shouted, "I won! Miko-chan! Where
are you?" He then took P-chan to find her. After an hour, he went
back to the Tendo dojo, and knocked on the door.
Perhaps a line between the dialogue and his use of the p-chan to
describe that Miko wasn't present would be good.
Saotome Miko greeted him. "Hi, Kenichi-kun."
Kenichi twiddled his fingers and looked down. "Miko-chan... would you
go out with me on a date? Uh, I mean..."
Miko smiled, and Kenichi brightened. "Sure, but not today. It's eight
already. How about tomorrow night? We can double with oniichan and
Kyoko-chan."
Kenichi jumped up. "Yatta! Thanks, Miko-chan." And he kissed her on
the cheek, then bounced away to his house.
The kid's got more guts than his old man to kiss her like that.
"Dad, I have something to talk to you about."
After about an hour of practicing the flute, Miko went straight to her
dad, to ask for help.
"How's daddy's little girl?" Ranma wore the smile he usually did when
<gag> Oh Ranma, what's become of you...? (I may be a sap when it comes
to my own little girl, but I've always been a sap that way. This is
Ranma we're talking about!)
"I'd say go with who you like then. Oh, and the way Hoshio and Kenichi
comma after 'like'
He let out a small, controlled laugh, and laughed, and laughed, but
with extreme will he controlled it.
ummm. yeah.
Akane finished the last class of the day, and cooking for her and
how about 'decided to cook' or 'cooked'
They saw their mother standing, shocked.
'looking shocked' 'in shock'
"I think we need to get Dr. Tofu and Kasumi... and Tatewaki and Ukyou."
said Akane, blankly.
"Mom? Who's this lady and why is she on our front porch? And why is
she unconscious?" Kazuya asked.
"T-this lady... is your father, Kazuya-chan." His mom told him. Her
face looked like she had seen a ghost.
"My *father*?!" The teenagers' voices rang out at the same time.
Dun dun DUN!
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Author's Notes:
Do I have any? Sure. This is quite long. I kept bonking against
continuity errors. Oh, boy.
Yes. This concentrates more on the kids than the parents. And yes,
Ranma will die at some point. It has to, to serve as catalyst for the
coming situations.
Well that's darn rude. Giving it away like that I mean. No suspense. Not
to mention going to all the trouble of reforming Ranma just to kill him
off.
I'm also going to write an interlude to this. *That* will concentrate
more on the history of what's between now and the end of the manga
series.
Oh good. I was wondering what had transpired to create this future.
Jamie