Richard D. Lawson wrote:

Earthlier Happy

By Richard Lawson

Whew.  I skipped the tags and presumed it was a Ranma fic.  I was afraid
for a moment that Mr. Lawson had wrote a Happousai story... *Shudder*  
^_^

She smiled over the sound of the screaming.  "Lovely, isn't it?"

"Smiling, she said over the sound of the screaming,"

You can't really smile "over" screams.  Also, shouldn't it be "Lovely, 
aren't they?"

The man - short, dusty, worn by many years - looked skeptical.  "Er, I
suppose."  He looked down the street, as if looking for an escape.

"...short, dusty, and worn by many years...
I think you have to put in an "and" when there are more than two adjs.
I guess that rule isn't totally applicable here, but it read awkwardly.

Her smile grew wider.  "Wouldn't you like one?  Only one gil.  A dozen for
ten gils."

"Um..."  The man looked down at the flower, turned partly away, then shoved
a hand into his pocket.  He pulled out a coin and handed it to her.  He
almost snatched the flower out of her hand and walked hastily away.

The discription in the first sentance is slightly disjointed. Though it
is a sequential flow of events, it is not a sequential flow of thoughts
in his mind, but an abrubt change of mind.  Maybe, "...flower, began
to turn away, but then..."  
The next to sentance both start with "He".  Not a biggie, but some people
mind.

She watched after him.  After a few yards, he slowed down.  He raised the
flower in front of him, then slowly tucked it into his shirt.  His pace
increased again, but he wasn't rushing any more.  Rather, he seemed more
vital.

"seemed more vital"... I get what you're trying to say, but "vital" seems 
to be the wrong word.  Taken out of context, your sentance says that he
seemed more crucial..

She smiled; she'd been right about him.  She'd sensed the peace in him, and
reached out and tried to touch it.  And he'd listened, and the peace would
grow and spread.

Grammar in second sentance.  It is not a correct compound sentance, as 
there is no subject in the second fragment.  Probably omitting the comma
will do it.  Third sentance is slightly awkward, starting with "and" and
using "and" again as a conjunction. 

Her hand fell among the flowers in her basket, feeling their dying energy.
It pained her to harvest them, to take the life from them.  But it was
necessary, and the flowers understood.  They sacrificed themselves to help
spread the lifestream.

"dying energy" seemed a bit awkward again.  "waning", perhaps?

My memory is a bit sketchy.  Did she already know about the lifestream
and the... Cetra (Is that what they're called?  Haven't played in a 
while.)?  I seem to be under the impression that she found out later.

Her work was not yet done.  She wandered down the street, looking for others
with the spark inside of them.  Most had it, but buried so deeply she
couldn't touch it, their song so drowned out by the screaming that she
couldn't hear it.

Last sentance reads awkwardly.  

Some noticed that she was looking at them.  Some looked back, and there was
desire in their eyes.  She knew that they found her form pleasing to look at
it, and wanted more of her.  Some had even made the mistake that she was
selling something more than her flowers.  She smiled at them and corrected
their errors, willing to let them smile at her and help her spread peace.
But nothing more, they would have nothing more from her.  A very few had
tried to forcibly extract more from her.  She never held a grudge, however;
she made a point of healing them afterwards, even revivifying them if
necessary.

3nd Sentance - "found her form pleasing to look at and"
4rd Sentance - "the mistake of assuming that she"
Last sentance - revivifying -> reviving

Today, right now, she couldn't see any peace, hear any life in any of the
people around her.  The screaming was loud, it was much too loud.  She
paused in front of an alley, then moved down it.

2nd Sentance - "The screaming was loud, much too loud." That or split
	it to two sentances.

A power junction was malfunctioning.  Green sparks were flying from it,
sending up a small shower of energy that floated for a few seconds before
fading.  She crouched in front of it, listening to the screams of tortured
life.  This was not what life was meant to do, the powering of these
lumbering machines.  Life objected, and would make its displeasure known
soon.

Oh...  I wish you described this scene better.  We all know you can
do better.  ^_^  The sparks, the confining of life...  It would enhance
the ephemeral, waning feeling of the entraped lifestream if you made 
the description a bit richer.

She looked in the sparks, and her mind drifted.  Soon, so soon.  She felt
the patterns in the energy before her and the energy around her, and she
knew what shape those forces would take.  There was a force, warped by hate,
that would try to seek solace in revenge.  And it was powerful, very
powerful.  Much would be needed to stop it.

1st Sentance - "She looked in the sparks, her mind drifting."
3rd Sentance - "... in the enrgy before and around her, ..."
Last Sentance - Reads a bit awkwardly.  "Much effort", "Much help", 
	"Much" something would be better.

Her hand once again fell upon the flowers in her basket.  Sacrifice.

And there was another force coming.  A bright force, itself tortured, warped
in its own way.  But the core was good, and with the right guidance it would
shine brightly.  Brightly enough, perhaps, to save a world.

Mmm...  Are you talking about "Meteor" and "Holy"?  I guess that works.
I always envisioned it more as two different sides trying to control 
the same force (Lifestream) to their own ends.  Meteor was the what 
Sephiroth conjured while Holy is what Aeris conjured from the same 
force.  At least, that's how I looked at it.  Probably read too much 
David Eddings...  

That core called out to her, seduced her.  She could get lost in that core.
She could find happiness there.

"seduced" -> "tried to seduce"  Since the story is in past tense,
seduced would imply that the seduction is complete.

But she shouldn't; he would be hurt.  She would be hurt to know that she
would cause him pain.  Better, perhaps, to distance herself, to go and
guide, but not get drawn in too close.  Better.  Safer.

2nd sentance - "She would be hurt knowing that she had caused him pain."
	What you are speaking of is a bit ambiguous overall, but it fits
	with the tone/mood.

Colder.

She sighed.  She wouldn't.  *Couldn't*.  She was going to fall towards him,
they would fall towards each other.  They would touch each other once,
twice.  They would know a moment, two moments, of peace and... love.  And
then the needs of the planet would overwhelm them, and there would be an
end.

Again, the monologue style allows for run ons, but the 4th sentance reads
awkwardly.  
Two moments?  I assume at the "Golden Saucer" and right before she dies?
I'd add a third - near the end when Cloud looks into the life stream.
Aerith has joined the life stream, and I always felt that he had felt
her when he plunged in...  In fact, when he's travelling down to fight
Sephiroth, I always envisioned all those who had fallen to be travelling
with him.  (Biggs, Wedge, The Other Guy, Aeris' first boy friend, Aeris,
etc...)  The way I always felt was that they guided him down to the
final fight with Sephiroth, kind of merging with him to give him 
strength...
Ack.  I'm rambling...

But in that end, perhaps a beginning.  Maybe, eventually, a reunion.  It
might be too much to hope for.  But she *would* hope for it, and work for
it, because life demanded it of her.  And she loved life so.  Enough to kill
for it.  Enough to die for it.

For extended monologues, I suggest using ... to indicate pauses in the
thoughts.  It gives more of a feel of the thought hanging, and I always
felt that it visually expresses a train of thought better.

But she was selfish enough to want to enjoy life as she lived it.  And she
would enjoy as much of it as she could in the coming days.  With help.

The sparks continued to flow, continued to scream, and all of a sudden she
didn't want to listen any more.  She stood and clasped her hands in front of
her face, as if to warm them, silently praying.  I'm coming, Mother.  I'll
be there soon.

Ooh.  That's an excellent use of source material.  I always thought RPG 
fanfiction had an immense potential - especially in making explanations 
for the source material.  For those who have played the "Phantasy Star" 
series, there are some great Fanfics out there...

Anyway, in the first sentance, it reads fine, but I'm not sure the 
grammar is correct.  The subject of the first part is "sparks", uses
two verb phrases, which should be linked by a conjunction unless
there is a third verb phrase, which should begin after the "and".
The "and", however, is linking the two parts of the compound sentance,
and there is no third verb phrase.

She turned her head to the side and looked down the alley; she could sense
him coming like the scent of flowers on the evening breeze.   She walked
towards him, towards the bright force that was coming close, oh so very
close, and her heart quickened at his presence, not yet in her sight but
very much near her spirit.

Oh, so the forces are Cloud and Sephiroth.  Strike my former comments.
Hee hee.
As for the second (also last) sentance...  Faulkner?  ^_^  Its a bit 
difficult to read.  

Not yet in her sight, but very soon.  Just a little while longer.

She stopped at the end of alley as the traffic zoomed by on the street, and
she and the flowers waited patiently to play out their assigned roles.

"... the end of the alley..."

Somehow, I feel that the last sentance shouldn't be a compound, but 
that's just a personal stylistic thing...  

Either to die the death or to abjure
Forever the society of men.
Therefore, fair Hermia, question your desires;
Know of your youth, examine well your blood....

Thrice-blessed they that master so their blood,
To undergo such maiden pilgrimage;
But earthlier happy is the rose distill'd,
Than that which withering on the virgin thorn
Grows, lives and dies in single blessedness.

-excerpts from "A Midsummer's Night Dream"
-by William Shakespeare

For a second, I thought this was part of the story.  Put in a break
before quoting the poem.

~*~

Commentor's Notes:

	A good delve into the mind of Aeris.  It captured her love for
life quite well.  It didn't capture her playful side as much, but the 
mood of the piece being as it was, quite understandable.  I just note
this because character pieces, when read by those unfamiliar with the
source material, have a tendency to skew their vision of the character.
We all know what I'm talking about...  ^_^
	My memory is faulty in whether or not Aeris knew of the legacy
she had inherited that early in the game...  I seem to remember that
she learns of it later, but I may be getting this confused with FF6...
(Haven't played 7 since I beat it 6 months ago...)  Since Richard just
beat it, I'll trust his memory.
	It suffers mostly from the half-monologue, half-narraration 
style.  While in "monologue mode", the sentances come choppy, even
for some of the narrarration.  While in "narrarration mode", there
are sudden interjections of "thought" which are slightly jarring.
I have always found it to be a difficult style to write in, and this
attempt was pretty good.
	Personally, as a Tifa Fan, I'll have to wrinkle my nose at
this.  ^_~  (You thought the "Who is the Best Babe in Ranma" Debate
was harsh???  Man...  Aeris vs. Tifa was worse...  *Shudder*)