A new chapter of the first Lemon I ever read! WAI!
Cool. ^_^ I'm honoured - my lemon was the first! ^_^
OK, C&C...
1) Of all the chapters of this fic, I liked this one the most. It had the
Thank you.
most believable character work so far, especially in delaing with Cologne,
Mousse, Shampoo, Hinako, and Gos. (No, I can't spell his name, it's 2 AM.)
See? It didn't star Ranma and Akane again! ^_^
I wanted to focus on some of the others, this time... though it didn't
really go into too much detail with Shampoo and Mousse, but thanks! ^_^
2) All that said, something about the final 1/3 or so with Cologne, Hinako
and Gos seemed flat. (Not that way, you ecchi!) There seemed to be a lack
*grin*
of...well...reality. Nothing really sparked my imagination or really got me
into the character's heads. Gos' self-loathing and all probably did the
best job of really seeming sincere, and even that struck my as being a
little detached.
I know. I was in quite a hurry to finish it... I've tried to fix it up, so
it's better than how I originally wrote it - MUCH better. But I don't know
what more to do to it to fix the last 1/3 or so up. (But I think I'll
leave Gosunkugi and his self loathing alone...)
The ending has changed from something super really, really un-natural to
something a little more like 'reality' (or as close to as my 'fics get!)
3) Tarou's bit was good. Nice to see someone else using him. (I still lay
claim as the #1 person to ever use him in a long fic. ^_^) Oh, Speaking of
Tarou: WAI!
Probably have to do a 'fic with him in it, some time in the future. ^_^
(Since not many other people do it...)
Kun-chan...
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