-----Original Message-----
From: Ohmen1@aol.com <Ohmen1@aol.com>
To: ffml@fanfic.com <ffml@fanfic.com>
Date: Wednesday, August 26, 1998 10:10 PM
Subject: [FFML] [crossover][Ranma/Jumanji] Ranmanji : Prelude and Chapter 1

Well, here is the first of my two stories that I have begun to write.
You can look for the next story to be posted in a day or two, depending
on how the formatting works with this one.  C&C are welcomed, but flames
are not.  Please read the Author's Notes at the end of the post for more

>from me.  Please remember, this is the first time I have attempted to write

anything for about five years (since Sophomore English in college,
Go Clemson Tigers!).  Oh, and before I forget, my thanks go out to The
Phoenix (the author of Lines Of Destiny and Differing Powers), who gave
the prelude to this story the once over for me :) !

I'll remember all that... but I'm gonna be hard on ya anyways.  And I'm
gonna post it to the list, just so Shunsuke's happy.  ^_^  Remember, you
don't know me, I could be a real jerk, you can ignore what I say if you feel
like it!  ^_^  Overall comments at the bottom.

And on with the show....


    Ranma was feeling good as he walked down one of the many streets
in downtown Tokyo.  Perhaps the best he had felt since he moved in
with the Tendos several years ago.  Heck, maybe even longer than that.

Three things, this is personal prejudice, but "down" the "downtown" streets
jars because of the repetetiveness... and in the first sentence too.  Maybe
something far more simple like "Ranma felt good as he walked through
downtown Toyko."  I mean, we can assume he's walking on a street (well,
given this universe, I suppose it's not an entirely safe assumption...
still).  Alternatively, "Ranma felt good as he walked the streets of
downtown Tokyo." still avoids the down/down (dooby doo down down)

Oh yeah, "was feeling" is passive, while "felt" is active.  Much of the time
you'd do better to avoid passive writing.  Gary nailed me on this recently,
I do it a lot too, even when I'm well aware of what a problem it is (and it
IS a problem).  I did a search on the words "was" and "were" in my story to
help me find places where I used passive rather than active verbs, because I
often don't notice that I'm doing it.

Second thing... and third.  (I can combine the two if I want!  ^_^ ).  Your
second and third sentences are sentence fragments, which is bad except when
it's on purpose because you know what you're doing.  Now, for some reason I
don't mind the third sentence as a fragment, since it kind of mimics speech,
but the second one bothered me.  I would try to work it into an actual
sentence by putting a verb in there somewhere.  "It was perhaps the best he
had felt since he moved in with the Tendos several years ago." or something.

So far today, none of his fiancees had jumped him, he had managed to
avoid a dunking in the koi pond during his morning spar with his pop,
Akane had relented on her idea to cook dinner tonight, he had not been
splashed once yet, and he had actually made a deal with Nabiki in
which he hadn't lost his shirt (figuratively and literally).  He
smiled briefly as he thought about THAT encounter...

******flashback*******

I really, really don't like flashbacks.  ^_^  Just warning you, it's very
often a hallmark of the inexperienced writer.  Mind you, one of the better
stories I've ever done is done entirely as a flashback between two framing
scenes, so I do realize that sometimes it's necessary for the plot... but do
try to avoid it when you can.

    Ranma is sitting across from Nabiki in her room.  He has a
stubborn look on his face and his eyes show that he is focusing on
something very hard.  Nabiki is listening to him with a slight look of
amusement.

It's Ranma's flashback, right?  Is he just guessing he has a stubborn look
on his face, or does he have a mirror handy?  ^_^

    "...so I figure you owe me some money, Nabiki."  Ranma finishes,
looking at Nabiki with a worried expression.  Saying such things to
Nabiki was usually a very dangerous thing to do.
    "And how do you figure that Ranma?"  Nabiki was enjoying this.

I think, if you're going to do the entire flashback in present tense (what a
concept, when put in those terms ^_^ ), then I would do that for all the
sentences.  IE, "Nabiki is enjoying this."

    Ranma runs his fingers through his hair, he had explained this to
her three times already, *if she's going to refuse, she should just do
it already* he thinks.  "C'mon Nabiki!  You've been taking pictures of
me and sellin' them to Kuno!  Without me sayin' it's OK!  And you
pretty much sell info on me every day! I should get at least half of
what you bring in! If it wasn't for me, you wouldn't get anything!"
    Nabiki raises an eyebrow.  " That's pretty weak Ranma.
Considering how much damage your thick skull does to the walls and
ceilings around here...still, you do have a point about the permission
thing in a way."  She leans forward tapping her cheek with her finger.
"OK, how about this, I'll cancel all the debts you owe me..."

Do I detect an allusion to a common fanfic convention?  Nabiki covers the
cost of house repairs with the money made off of Ranma?  Oooh, no points for
you from the Critic under the bridge!  ^_^  It makes sense, though, which is
why it gets repeated.  I did it in my story too.  ^_^

    Ranma scowls.
    "... and pay you 20,000 yen.  Then we're even, deal?"  Nabiki
inwardly grins at Ranma's sudden smile.
    "That's great!...err...I mean thanks Nabiki."  Ranma jumps up and
quickly exits the room, feeling great and not wanting to give her the
chance to change her mind or con him out of the money.
    Nabiki looks at the now closed door and sighs.  She then smiles a
little bit and turns back to her homework.  *Despite what you may
think Ranma,* Nabiki thinks, *I DO love my sister, and this gives me a
chance to see her happy.  Plus,* she smirks, *now I don't have to
worry about you trying to get back at me for those pictures�*  She
knew what he wanted the money for.

Okay, here's a real, honest gripe.  This is Ranma's flashback, and in his
own flashback we see him leave the room, and the point of view remains in
the room, with Nabiki, and we even get to know her thoughts.  How can Ranma
be having that sort of a flashback, without the aid of psychedelics?  ^_^
POV can throw even the best of authors... I'd suggest finding another way to
end this part.  Maybe Ranma THINKS that Nabiki knows what he wants the money
for... but he can't really know what Nabiki was thinking, or know what was
going on in the room after he left.

*****end flashback*****

    *Man, now if only this will keep up 'til after tonight�* he
thought to himself, smiling and stretching his arms above his head.
    Remembering his purpose for coming downtown, his face lost some
of its smile and a look of apprehension flashed over it, his sure-
footed steps faltered a bit before he caught himself and continued on
down the road.  He continued thinking, apparently trying to convince
himself of something.
    Today was the third anniversary of his meeting the Tendos and
moving into their home.  A few nights ago, after realizing just how
much time has passed since that day, Ranma sat down on the roof above
his room and did some serious thinking.  And made some seriously tough
decisions.

"Yeah," he said,  "I think I really do like vanilla better than chocolate."

(gomen, couldn't help myself).

    *Come on, its no big deal, I'll just buy her something and tell
her that I l-l-l-l-lo..uh, tell how I feel.  No big deal.  Just come
right out and say it.  Yup.  Uh-huh.  Nothing to it*
    He suddenly stopped and hung his head.  *Aw man, this'll never
work*

work.*  (period)

    Looking up and around he decided that one place was as good as
another and entered the store he was in front of.

"entered the store he was in front of." is an awkward phrase.  Perhaps
something like, "entered the store before him."

Opening the front

door and going through, Ranma found himself in what appeared to be a
pawn shop of some kind.  There was a musty smell to the air and the
lights were a little dim.  And the place and packed with�stuff.

"And the place _was_ packed with... stuff." perhaps?  Otherwise it's neither
a sentence nor sensical.

Wooden rocking horses, wicker baskets, brass plaques, antique desks,
strangely shaped statues, and glass cases were everywhere, you could
hardly move.

You have two complete sentences here, which you need to join by a semicolon,
not a comma.  "were everwhere; you could hardly move."  Alternately, make
them seperate sentences.  "were everywhere.  You could hardly move."

Somewhere in the back of the store a bell rang when the

door was opened.

    Ranma stared at all the stuff.  *Man, if I can't find something
in here she'd like, it doesn't exist.

Phoenix egg, anyone?  Koi love rod?  Reversal jewels are 50% off this week!
We have a lovely monkey broach that just came in yesterday!

This place is worse than

Ryouga's bedroom.'

bedroom.*  (star, not single quote).

He started picking his way around the piles on

things in the store, heading for what looked to be jewelry cases in
the back.  *Maybe I can find a r-r-r-ri-ring here.  I'm-I'm gonna need
one tonight I guess...'

guess...* (did it again)

Not terribly eager to reach the cases, he

started looking around at the things he was walking past, stopping now
and then to move things out of the way to look at something.

looking around... to look at something.  Repetetive phrases in the same
sentence make for ugly reading.

He was

not terribly interested in the things he found, but he was putting off
reaching those cases for as long as possible.

passive again.  "but he put off reaching those cases" is better.

One of the things he

found was a squat wooden box that, when opened, revealed a game board,
dice, and several small figurines.

"One of the things he found was a" can be reduced to "He found a", and it's
more elegant and to the point.

*Hmph, what's a board game doin'

here?*  Looking around at all the other things by him,

He's looking around again!  ^_^  I think the readers have this part down by
now.

*well, I guess

this place's got everything else...*  Ranma, picking up the old ivory
dice and idly rattling them in his hand, looked closer at the game,
noticing small inscriptions written on the inside of the box's rim.
Most he could not understand, but he did see one very familiar symbol.
The Chinese symbol for extreme danger.  Ranma started getting a really
bad feeling about the game.

There's that good old Saotome sixth sense kicking in!  The sort that tells
you, just as the car rolls over the cliff, "Hey!  Maybe I should try to
stop!"  ^_^


Having learned his lesson about such

things, he carefully dropped the dice in the strangely upright dice-
shaker and slowly started backing away from the game, not paying
attention where he was going.  And thus sealed his fate.

You could break this paragraph here.  It's really way too long, in my
opinion.

He continued

to back up until he felt himself bump into something very hard and
cold.

We know he's backing up, so I suggest something more direct, like "He bumped
into something very hard and cold."  Nice and to the point.

He turned around quickly and came face-to-face with an

extremely large, and horribly ugly gargoyle.  'GAH!' he screamed and
stumbled backwards until he hit the desk the game was resting on.  The

"stumbled backwards and hit the desk the game was resting on." is more
direct, and we can assume the rest (that he stops stumbling once he hits
something).

dice-shaker trembled...and began to fall over.

You could just say "and fell over."  This may be personal preference, I know
you want heightened tension here, but we know it's coming and things like
this generally fall over so quickly that you can't really watch as it
happens.

Ranma, realizing what

just happened, turned around just in time to see the shaker land on
its side and the dice tumble out onto the board.  A very deep feeling
of dread swept over him.  The dice rolled halfway across the board
with two number ones facing upwards.  *Snake eyes,* Ranma thought,
*you lose.*  He was not entirely surprised when one of the figurines,
a tiny but tough looking panther, picked itself up from the other
figures and placed itself on the board.  Near the center of the board
was a large, glassy black disk.  On this disk eerie green glowing
words appeared.

In a new location,
is where you will be,
To your life's new station,
To the world of Jumanji


    Ranma was able to shout out two things before a black mist
covered him completely.  "KUUUUUUSSSSOOOOO!!!
AAAAAKAAAANNNNNEEEEEEeeeeeeeee�!!!!!!!!!"

    The shopkeeper, summoned by the panicked shout, expertly
navigated the merchandise from the back, where he was watching TV, to
where he thought he heard the scream.  When he got there all he could

You can cut "When he got there" out of this sentence without harming a
thing.  (Yeah, I like to cut out unneccessary words and phrases... ^_^ )

find was a board game set up on a large wooden desk, with one of the
game pieces in place as if somebody had started to play.  Scratching
his head, he put the game back together and stuck it under the desk.
He then went back to the counter and sat down again.  *Damn this place
gives me the creeps.* he thought as he waited for his shift to end.




<Time Speeds Along>

Like an arrow, or like a banana?

    We see flashes of events...Police at the Tendo Dojo talking to a
panicked looking Akane...Ukyo crying on her bed...Akane looking at
Ryouga with an expression of horror...A hesitant looking Nabiki

hesitant-looking

handing a beaten up book to a crying Akane...Shampoo waving to Cologne
who is entering an airplane, tears in her eyes...Akane, Ukyo, and
Shampoo confronting Herb, then Tarou, then Toma, then Kirin, then
Saffron's guards...Kasumi in a wedding dress, a happy/sad Akane helping
her adjust it�a wretched looking Genma talking to a crying
Nodoka...Akane firing off a shishihokoudan at a practice dummy...Akane,
Ukyo, and Shampoo sitting together at the Cat Cafe�An older, early to
mid- twenties, looking Nabiki in a wedding dress, an unchanged looking
Akane talking with her...a still youthful appearing Akane graduating

>from college...Akane holding two toddlers and smiling...

<Fifteen years have passed>

Why do I get the feeling Ranma missed that third anniversary?  ^_^

Chapter 1


    Kasumi sat fitfully next to her mother as she rode the bus,
waiting for it to arrive at the proper destination.  Alternating
between looking out the window at the passing store fronts and
glancing at her mother sitting next to her, she tried her best to

you've already said her mother was sitting next to her.  Well, you said she
was sitting next to her mother, anyway.  They're nearly the same thing.
Practically.  Close enough for horseshoes and hand grenades.

quell the impatience that she was feeling.  When she could take it no
more, she turned to her mother and asked 'Are we almost there, Mom?'
It was the tenth time in the past ten minutes she had asked this.
    The grown woman next to her sighed a bit and replied, 'Not yet
Kasumi, we have not yet even entered the Nerima district.  And please,
use Japanese; we are not in America any longer.'  She then smiled
slightly at the ten-year-old's sudden pout and put her arm over the
girl's shoulder, hugging her slightly.  It was the young girl's first
trip in over five years to Japan, and the woman knew her daughter was
feeling a little anxious.
     Kasumi muttered an 'ok' before looking out the window again, and
quickly became fascinated by the sheer number of people that were
walking down the streets of Tokyo, forgetting, for the moment, her
excitement at seeing her aunts and cousin again.

<Soon>

Now?

No.

Now?

NO.

How soon is soon?

Okay, we're there.  The next scene:  ^_^

    Kasumi and her mother got off of the bus and started walking down
the street in Nerima.

More duplication... I'd say "Kasumi and her mother got off the bus and
started walking."  You can assume it's on a street, especially since they're
not (apparently) gravity-defying martial artists, and you've already said
they were going to Nerima.  That's just me though.

Kasumi quickly noticed that her mother was

acting a little differently here than she did at home.  Gone was the
aggressive stride and determined set of her chin, and in its place was
a slow walk with her head whipping back and forth, looking at
everything.  Kasumi herself looked around and smiled, everything was
exactly the way her mother described it to her in all those bedtime
fairy tales her mother used to tell her; the funny ones with the
people who could change into animals and could jump over buildings.

^_^  (I can imagine Happosai running by, pocket watch in hand, saying, "I'm
late!  I'm late!")

Suddenly her mother stopped in front of a large house and said 'Here
we are.'  Kasumi looked at the building and squinted at the sign that
hung nearby. *The Tendo-Saotome School of Martial Arts*

    The older traveler was having a tough time keeping her emotions
under control.  Her daughter just would not understand why her mother
would suddenly break down and cry if she gave in to them.  Returning
here was much harder on her than she had thought it would be.
Everything looked the *same*.  Looking around, she could almost *see*
Tatewaki Kuno walking down the street with an armload of roses, she
could almost *hear* the sounds of pitched battle echoing over the
rooftops.  And finally, as she turned a corner with her daughter, she
could see the house.  Just gazing at it nearly broke her hold on her
clenched in emotions and she felt a tear or two well up in her eyes;

I don't think you should use the semicolon and the word for together.
Either "in her eyes, for while the home" or "in her eyes; while the home".
A semicolon joins two complete sentences, as does a comma and "for".

for while the home of her heart was thousands of miles away on another
continent, the home of her soul was right here in front of her.  It
was where she and so many others had grown up, some physically, some
emotionally.  It was a part of who she was.
    Taking a deep breath to calm her nerves a bit, she looked around;
comparing what she saw now to what she remembered it being like the
last time she was here.  Everything, except for the sign, was exactly
the way it had been for decades.  She smiled and started to move
forward towards the door, her daughter following close behind.
    'Sister!'  she called after opening the front door and taking off
her shoes (making sure Kasumi did the same).  No response.  She walked
into the house and was again struck at how little the house had
changed.  Suddenly she stopped smiling as a thought ran through her
mind.  Very little had changed.  Everything was right where it should
be, right were they had been for years.  She thought for a second
before shaking her head and pushing her concerns to the back of her
mind.  She walked to the bottom of the stairs and yelled up them,
'Sister!  We are here!'  No response.  She stuck her head in the
kitchen.  'Sister?'  Still no response.  *That's strange, where could
she � oh' Softly she bonked herself on the head with her palm
(eliciting a strange look from Kasumi, who was standing next to her
looking in at the kitchen).  She then quickly walked out the back and
yelled towards the dojo. 'Akane!'  Almost immediately a head popped
out of the open door of the dojo. 'Nabiki!' the newcomer shouted.  A
few seconds later Kasumi's mother was hugging her sister, the Master
of the Tendo School of Martial Arts, Akane Tendo.

Author's Notes:
    OK, I know there are a few boo-boos, let me tell you what I see as
potential problems.
    I do not like the way the word 'info' sounds in the Flashback
sequence in the prelude.  I cannot think of another word or sentence
though.

It didn't bother me.

    Looking back on it now I think I have inconsistent quotation marks.
    As for tenses.  I believe that the whole story is consistent in
that it is in the past tense, with the exception of the Flashback.  I

but I caught you once.  ^_^

seem to remember from the English and Lit courses I took that Flashbacks
are supposed to be in the present tense.  In a Flashback you (the
reader) are propelled into the past and watch a scene unfold as it
happens.  Anybody out there learn differently?

I don't think that's a hard and fast rule, but it works.  If you simply HAVE
to do a flashback, I mean.  ^_^

    When we 'hear' Ranma's thoughts and words, he seems to switch from
speaking normally and speaking sloppy (slang words, etc.)  This is where
I put myself into Ranma's role.  This is the way I speak sometimes, so
I write that way also.  If you really want, I can write up a reason why
he speaks and thinks this way, but I hope you can just overlook this
discrepancy.
    Suggestions for a better rhyme are welcomed!!
    I am looking forward to any C&C you care to give, both positive and
negative!  Later!

Ohmen1@aol.com

Aaaargh!  Do you know how tough it is to actually hit the 'Send' button
when sending off your first fic to the FFML??  I have been staring at
the screen for ten minutes now...aw screw it, here I go....

Yes I do.  I did it only a few months back.  ^_^

Razzen-Frazzen....add ten more minutes since I addressed it to
ffml@fanfic.html.  Needless to say, the e-mail did not like
this...*grumble*

I liked it.

Who's Kasumi's mom?  Kasumi?  Kasumi wouldn't name her daughter Kasumi
though, would she?  And Nabiki's more likely to move to the states, in my
opinion.  I was certain we were dealing with Akane, right up until she
yelled, "Akane!"  Must be Nabiki.  Nice to know that Nabiki's had a normal
life... right up until now.

I assume the game was already in progress when Ranma found it?  I don't
remember all the rules from the movie, haven't ever read the book, but there
are four players, right?  Does there have to be four?  Ranma started the
game on his own, he needs three more to play with (it's starting to come
back to me now).

You know, in some ways Ranma's time in the wilds might seem like a vacation.
^_^  Just joking, but he's a different sort of protagonist than the original
kid in Jumanji.

Anyway, very nice so far, don't stop!

Miko!

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather a scornful tone, "it
means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many
different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's
all."

(Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking-Glass)

Nausicaa@sprynet.com   Belldandy@angelic.com
Anime rpg at http://come.to/akane/
Fan Fiction at http://listen.to/bell/