Ronny Hedin <thark@hem2.passagen.se> wrote:

	Soon Akane would join a group of old friends and acquaintances
to help defend Shampoo's village. Shampoo was the one who had wiped her
memory, had fed her a hypnotic mushroom that made her hug Ryoga and
Kuno, and launched lots of other schemes in hopes of taking Ranma for

IMO, it would sound better if you repeated "the one who"; especially
in the second instance since "had" is there - "the one had fed her
(...), the one who had launched lots".

Not sure... will think about this.

Ranma & Akane - Predictable, comfortable existance. Is it just me
or does something feel wrong here?

Don't say "things have changed"; of course they have if their
existance can be described as "predictable and comfortable". I just
find it *highly unlikely* that such a change would occur.

Well, she means it in a relative sense. Their lives had become
predictable and comfortable compared to what they HAD been  -- certainly
not by any standards that you or I would apply.

	When the two of them actually did finally decide that they would

"actually did finally" sounds a bit unwieldy IMO.

Will change this.

	"I'm... sorry... I didn't mean... I just meant that... if *you*
don't mind... then I don't."

	"Really?" Ranma turned hesitantly back toward Akane.

Don't know if this has been said before, but I felt a bit uncertain
about who said what there; as far as I can figure, Akane is the one
saying "Really?", but with Ranma acting immediately afterwards in
the same paragraph, it's easy to get it the other way around.

No, Akane says the first line, and Ranma the second. That seemed clear
to me when I re-read it, but I'll try and figure out why people are
mixing it up.

	Not that that mattered. There were certain things that a guy had
to do. Akane wouldn't understand. Sometimes Koichi felt like even he
himself didn't understand.

I presume that Koichi is the "one or a few years older" type, but
still, doesn't that type of reasoning sound a bit early as coming

>from the boyfriend of a junior high girl? Later on, yes, of course,

but I get the impression he's had the same reasons all along.

Um, yes and no. He's always sort of felt the same, but it's only now
that he's starting to question himself. Certainly he would have left off
the last sentence as a youngster.

Actually, old women who turn out to be engaged to Happy and scare
him off isn't *all* that new, you know.

Not saying it is....

Ending the wedding ceremony with those simple words... I dunno, it
just feels so #%!�#" inconclusive.

I'll think about expanding this.

	Now, as she waited in her home for everyone to arrive, she was
prepared to go with her, to hell and back for the sake of the Amazon
people.

IMO, "her to", and possibly "back, for"

Yeah, that works.

Thanks for the C&C!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics