Part 9 of more than 6 parts.  Not to mention the end.

Monkey Head Butting!
m a davis/miko  belldandy@angelic.com
Previous chapters at:
http://members.xoom.com/bellchan/
We've moved!  Update your links!

This is the last chapter of my story, and it's long.

All praise the muse of fan fiction!  A great weight has been
lifted from my shoulders!  ^_~

Others have suggested some pretty interesting plots that I might
have tackled.  I don't plan to write any sequels or alternate stories
to this... it's not a series continuation, alternate universe, or
crossover story, so it doesn't really need anything else tacked on...
but if anyone wants to do another story using mine as a
springboard, feel free.  ^_^  (cue eerie music) "Pick up the monkey
brooch... put on the monkey brooch..."

I'll post this to r.a.a.c. soon.

Characters are copyright Takahashi Rumiko, no infringement
intended.  This is a fan work only, not for profit.

Monkey Head Butting
PART NINE


        It was late afternoon on a sunny Sunday, and two figures
stalked a third through the streets of Nerima.  Ranma and Akane,
in the bodies of Nabiki and Ranma, respectively, followed Nabiki,
in the body of Akane.

        Nabiki hopped a train into downtown Tokyo.  Once there, she
walked a half-dozen blocks and entered a department store.

        Ranma and Akane followed, trying their best not to be seen.
As they stepped into the department store, however, they came to a
halt.

        "Where is she?" Akane asked.  "Do you see her?"

        Ranma shook her head.  "Maybe she's just shopping, after
all."

        "No," Akane said.  "What's she going to shop for, in my
body?"

        "I don't know," Ranma said.  "Something for you, maybe?"

        "Not likely," Akane replied, scanning the crowded store.
"Anyway, my birthday's eight months away.  You know that."

        In fact, Ranma didn't know that.  She made a mental note of
the fact, then promptly forgot it.

        "Let's split up," Akane said.  "I go left, you go right.  She's got
to be in here somewhere."

***


        "One of these days Kuno's going to wake up and realize that
he can hire a professional photographer any time he wants to, for
less money than he pays us."

        Kyoko snapped another shot, then adjusted the telephoto lens.
The sun was setting on the horizon.  Across the street, seated right
behind a floor-to-ceiling window, Tatewaki Kuno and (by all
appearances) Akane Tendo were having dinner.

        "Not before we graduate, I hope," Midori replied, snapping a
few pictures of her own.

        "About that dress," Kyoko said.  She glanced at Midori's
orange and yellow print sun dress, her sandals, and her wide-
brimmed hat.  "Not exactly what I'd wear for a surveillance
mission." she said, a little disdainfully.

        "It's hot," Midori said.  "Please note, you're the only one on
the street with an overcoat on, and dressed all in black, no less.  If
people are staring, then it isn't at me."

        Kyoko kept her eyes glued to the camera, snapping away.
"Whatever," she said.  "Anyway, as long as Kuno doesn't notice...."

        "...Which he won't...."

        "...we'll be fine."  Kyoko reeled off another six shots, then
paused to rewind and reload.

        "That's enough for now," she said.  "You get some good
shots?"

        "Don't worry," Midori said, hefting her camera.  "I know
better than to blow an opportunity like this.  If Kuno really pays
up...."

        "He will.  He's delusional, but also a man of his word."

        "As I was saying, if he pays up, we're solvent again, but hardly
rich.  I've got my eyes on a new dress, and these photos are my
ticket to it."

        "I hear you, loud and clear," Kyoko said.  "That's why, above
all else...."

        "Don't screw up on the kiss," Midori said.

***


        Ranma and Akane searched the five-story department store
thoroughly.  They searched the surrounding area in a several-block
radius, finally winding up back at the department store.

        Ranma stated the obvious.  "She ditched us."

        Akane nodded.  "She must have seen you.  You're not exactly
a master ninja...."

        "Hey!  Who's to say she didn't spot you?"

        "Anyway," Akane said, "this has been pointless.  We'd better
head home."

        "We could stop in to see the ghoul," Ranma suggested.

        "Yeah, let's do that," Akane said, distracted.  She stared at the
dresses on display in front of them.  She took one and held it up.
"Think Nabiki would like this?" she asked.

        Ranma studied it critically.  "I don't know.  She doesn't wear
dresses that much, does she?  And when she does,  they're more
business-like.  That one's more your style, isn't it?"

        "I suppose it is," Akane said.  She gave Ranma a look of
appraisal.  "Since when did you start noticing how Nabiki dresses,
anyway?" She asked.

        "Well," Ranma said, "I went through her wardrobe just two
hours ago, of course...."

        "Oh.  Of course."  Akane put the dress back, then moved to
another rack.  "It's just, that comment of yours about her doing
shopping for me while in my body got me to thinking.  Nabiki's
birthday is only a month off, and I haven't bought her anything yet.
Since we're already here, we might as well not waste the
opportunity."

        Akane selected another dress.  "Okay, Miss Fashion Expert,
how about this one?"

        "Better," Ranma said.

        Akane checked the price tag, then glanced about.  "Do you
see a changing booth around here?"

        "Why?  You're going to try it on?  I thought it was for Nabiki."

        "No, stupid," she said.  She gave Ranma's body a nice, long
look.  "You are.  You're the one in her body, right?"

        Ranma got a look of horror on her face.  "No!  No way!  I am
not going to play dress-up again!"

        "Come on, Ranma," Akane said.  "You haven't bought her
anything either, have you?  Help me out, and you can say it's a gift
from both of us...."

***


        Kuno strolled with Nabiki through the streets of Nerima,
talking about kamisama only knew what -- Nabiki wasn't listening.
The meal had been quite good, the most expensive thing she could
order, and Kuno had held up both ends of the conversation
admirably, allowing Nabiki to ignore it all.  But the long walk
under the moonlight, with his arm about her waist, was getting on
her nerves.

        They paused on a bridge over the river and watched as the
moon passed behind a cloud, then reappeared.  Moonlight danced
on the water.

        "The moon is like a ghostly galleon tossed upon cloudy
seas,"said Kuno, reflectively.

        "Yeah," Nabiki said.  "Whatever."

        "My soul rides on that ship," Kuno continued.  "My soul is
tossed about as if in a storm of fear and doubt.  How can I tell what
is real from what is only delusion?"

        "I can bang you on the head, if you'd like," Nabiki said.

        Kuno wrapped her hands in his.  "Oh, fair Akane!  How like a
dream this night has been!  Often have I traveled these paths, with
my arm around you, only to awaken to the sure knowledge and the
certain despair that what I thought real was nothing more than the
stuff of dreams!  How can I know that the fates do not tempt me
yet again?"

        "Are you done?" Nabiki asked, trying to free her hands.

        "Kiss me, Akane!  Let thy love rain down on my heart, so that
I will know the truth from the lie!"

        "Impossible," Nabiki said.  "The deal was for one kiss only, in
front of the Tendo Doj... HEY!"

        Kuno's mouth darted forward, seeking hers.  Nabiki turned
her head, allowing him to slobber all over her cheek.  As he pulled
back, Nabiki leaned in and rubbed her cheek dry on his shoulder.

        *Yuck!  Gross!* Nabiki thought.  Then she straightened up.
*I'm getting paid for this,* she reminded herself.  *I'm getting paid
a huge sum.  For such a price, is there anything I wouldn't do,
within reason?*

        One kiss.  It wasn't so much, was it?  Her lips would touch
his, for a moment, and then she'd be debt free.  It was a slam-dunk
deal.

        So why was she so nervous about it?  It wasn't as if they were
her lips, even.  Technically, they were Akane's lips.  Rented lips.
Borrowed lips.  Not hers at all.

        Or was that the problem?  Nabiki couldn't help guilty about
what she was doing.

        They resumed walking, but the closer to her home, the more
she felt a panic well up within her.  Kuno was far from her ideal
date.  He was rich enough for her, and easy to manipulate, a
definite plus, but he was also arrogant, tied to tradition, and more
than a little delusional.  Besides, he was more handsome than cute.
Nabiki preferred cute.

        It was only one kiss.

        Finally Kuno stopped.  He turned Nabiki to face him.  They
were there, she realized, standing before the Tendo gate.  Kuno
gazed into her eyes with a hunger that caused bile to rise in her
throat

        "One kiss, dear Akane," he said, "and I shall leave you.  One
kiss, to prove that this is more than a dream."

        Kuno leaned down to claim his reward.

        They bumped heads.

        Nabiki stumbled back, cursing.  Did this fool not even know
how to kiss?

        She began to sweat big time.  What if they'd switched?  Thank
the gods the brooch was hidden in her room, rather than on her
person.  She went pale to think about what might have been....

        "My apologies, fair Akane," Kuno said.  "Perhaps I am too
eager."  He leaned in again.

        Nabiki gave him a quick peck on the lips, then pulled back.
Kuno was having none of it.  Grasping her tightly, he crushed his
lips against hers, his tongue forcing its way into her mouth.

        Nabiki gagged, too shocked to even struggle.  It seemed to go
on for an eternity, and not for the usual, romantic reasons either.
Finally, she wriggled one arm free and clobbered Kuno over the
head.

        He fell to the ground, stunned.  Nabiki stared at the frying pan
in her hand, equally stunned.  *Where did that come from?* she
wondered.

***


        Across the street, Midori and Kyoko trained their cameras on
the scene at the Tendos' front gate.

        "She hit him," Kyoko said.  "I don't believe it.  Half a kiss
from freedom, and she decides to clobber him.  What's she
thinking?"

        "Well," Midori said, "at least it's in character.  I thought she'd
never get her sister down."

        "You get the kiss?"

        "Yeah.  Did you?"

        "Got it," Kyoko said.  She snapped another picture.  "How did
she do that, anyway?"

        "What, the frying pan?"

        "Yeah.  I thought only martial artists did that."

        "I don't know," Midori said.  "It's Akane's body, after all, and
Nabiki's had training...."

        Kyoko frowned.  "Midori," she said, "I know how a turn
signal works, but that doesn't make me Mario Andretti."

        "I suppose not," Midori said.  "Maybe she just got lucky."

***


        When Akane and Ranma reached the Nekohanten, it was near
closing time.  Mousse swept and upended chairs onto tables.
Shampoo, cleaning the kitchen, spotted them as they crossed the
threshold.

        "Ranma!" Shampoo exclaimed happily.  Leaping over the
counter, she applied a full-body Amazon glomp to Akane.  Mousse
glowered from the corner, while Ranma had to suppress the urge to
laugh out loud.

        "Shampoo, get off of me!" Akane said.  "We're both girls, for
heaven's sake!  Let go!"  She managed to pry the Amazon loose,
pushing her back.

        Shampoo frowned, but immediately bounded into the kitchen.
She returned with a kettle of hot water and upended it over Akane.

        "Hey!" Akane yelled.  "That's hot!  What're you doing?"  Her
voice descended into a lower register, as her body became male.
Ranma couldn't help but laugh at the sight of his male self, clad in
Akane's shorts and top, which were obviously both feminine and
designed for a smaller frame.  It was a fine example of why Ranma
refused to dress as a girl, even when a girl.

        "Now only one of us girl!" Shampoo exclaimed.  Again she
hugged Ranma.  Akane shoved her back so hard that Shampoo
stumbled backwards, into the counter.

        "Stop grabbing me, Shampoo!  Knock it off!"

        "What wrong, Ranma?" Shampoo asked, obviously
disappointed.  "You no like Shampoo?"

        "Did I say that?" Akane-kun asked, then paused.  A glint
appeared in his eyes.  "Although, now that you mention it," he said,
"there's something I've been meaning to tell you, Shampoo."

        "Yes?"  Shampoo's eyes sparkled.  "Ranma!  You come to say
something special to Shampoo?  Oh, Shampoo so happy!"

        Akane paused, surprised by this reaction, then forged ahead.
"It's just that, you've been pursuing me for so long...."

        "Yes?"

        "...and I've never actually come out and said anything, but...."

        "Yes?"  Shampoo held her hands before her, waiting for the
words she'd longed to hear.  Meanwhile, Mousse had put down the
broom and stood with his feet apart, clearly ready to launch an
attack should he deem one needed.

        Sensing trouble, Ranma interrupted.  "Ranma's not himself
today," she said.  "Pay no attention to anything he says."

        Shampoo seemed to notice Ranma for the first time.
"Nabiki?" she said.  "You no interrupt Airen, or Shampoo be very,
very angry."

        "I just wanted to tell you," Akane continued, "that I like you
as a friend, but...."

        "He's delusional!" Ranma blurted out.  "Don't listen to him!"
Ranma took Akane's hand.  "Don't even try to talk, you idiot!
You're too brainless to know what's going on."

        Shampoo shoved Nabiki Ranma back.  "Shampoo warn you
once more.  You no interrupt!"

        "Shut up, Ranma!  This is between Shampoo and me!"

        "See what I mean?  He thinks I'm Ranma!"

        "Ranma, you idiot!" Akane yelled.

        "Aiya!  Is true!" Shampoo said.  She placed a hand on Akane's
forehead.  "You is sick, Ranma?" she asked.  She paused in
thought, then snapped her fingers.  "Shampoo know what do!
Great-Grandmother medicine cure Ranma quick!"

        "Wait!  I'm not sick!"

        "Yes you are, Ranma," Ranma said.

        "Is true," Shampoo said.  "You act very strange lately, Ranma.
Shampoo notice.  Why you dress like girl all times?"

        "Well, I am a girl..." Akane began, then trailed off.  "I mean,
normally... no, wait, that's not right."  Akane-kun looked about in
panic, focused on Ranma, and that glint reappeared in his eyes.
"It's this stupid bet I made with Nabiki here," he said.  "I lost, so I
have to dress like a girl."

        "What bet?" Ranma said.  "I'd never make a stupid bet like
that!"

        "Look," Akane said, "We didn't come here for medicine,
Shampoo.  We hoped to talk to your great grandmother, Cologne."

        "Great Grandmother not here right now," Shampoo said.  "Is
just Shampoo and Mousse."

        "Great.  Just great," Ranma said.  "I'm tired, Akane.  Let's go
home."

        "Just a second," Akane-kun said.  He took a vase of flowers
from a table and dumped it over his head.

        "Ah, much better," she said, and followed Ranma out the
door.

***


        Shampoo stood in the doorway of the Nekohanten and stared
up the street until long after Ranma had disappeared.  When she
turned to head back to the kitchen, a thoughtful look graced her
face.  Mousse felt he'd just avoided a major disaster.  He could
guess at Shampoo's train of thought; he saw the wheels spinning in
her head, and chose to derail the train before it built up speed.

        "Shampoo," he said.  "You know that no one loves you more
than I do."

        Shampoo spared him an irritated glance.  "Mousse, why you
such stupid duck?"

        "I love you, Shampoo!" Mousse said.  "I love you more than
anyone, including Ranma!  What's stupid about that?"

        Shampoo headed back into the kitchen.

        "Mousse," she asked, as she began to wipe down the counter,
"who you see just now?"

        "Ranma Saotome," Mousse said, "and Nabiki Tendo.  Why?"

        "Nabiki Tendo not here tonight, Mousse."

        The Chinese boy looked confused.  "But I saw her!  She was
right there!"

        "Even when you see," Shampoo said, "you no see.  That why
Shampoo call you stupid duck."

***


        Kuno opened his eyes and sat up.  Nabiki stumbled back,
dazed.  She had the presence of mind to mumble, "Thanks, Kuno,
had a great time and all that," as she fumbled at the latch.

        Kuno stared at her, feeling the bump on his head.

        "You hit me," he said.

        "Well, yeah, I did," Nabiki replied.

        "That hurt."

        A sweatdrop appeared on Nabiki's head.  Had she blown it?
After all she'd gone through...?

        Kuno began laughing, loud enough to wake the neighbors in a
several-block radius.  "So!" he exclaimed.  "It was no dream!  Oh,
praise the heavens!  It was not a dream!"

        Continuing to bigsweat, Nabiki slipped inside the gate and
bolted it behind her.  Kuno's laughter carried down the street as he
walked home.  Nabiki shuddered, then turned and spat all over the
walkway.

        "Yuck!  Ack!  Gag!  Never again!  Never again!  Some things
even I won't do for money!
If I ever say I'm going to do something like that again, somebody
please shoot me!"

        "I'm sorry," a voice behind her said, "but I don't carry a gun."

        Nabiki spun about, nearly collided with a short woman on a
stick.

        "Cologne!" Nabiki exclaimed.

        "Akane, dear," the Amazon matriarch said.  "Or should I say
Ranma?"

        "Neither, actually," Nabiki replied.  She instinctively knew to
not lie to this woman when it wasn't absolutely necessary.

        "Ah, yes, Nabiki,"  Cologne said.  "I knew you were involved
in  this somehow.  You always were smarter than the others."

        "Whatever," Nabiki said, crossing her arms.  "Is this a social
call?  Is there something I can do for you?   I'm missing my beauty
sleep, you know."

        A light breeze tossed the Amazon's white hair about.  She
stared at Nabiki.  She paused, apparently for dramatic effect, and
then said, "Give me the brooch."

        "Brooch?"

        "Do not play dumb with me," Cologne said.  "You are in
Akane's body, and you used a magical brooch to get there.  I want
that brooch."

        "Assuming for the moment that I have this brooch," Nabiki
said, "why would I give it to you?"

        Cologne sighed.  "You're going to make this difficult, aren't
you, Miss Tendo?  This brooch is an ancient heirloom stolen from
my people, and it must be returned to us.  It's ours by right.  It is
also a very dangerous artifact, and can cause great harm in the
hands of an amateur such as yourself.  Hand it over."

        "No."

        "It is not a request," Cologne said.  "If you won't cooperate,
then I shall be forced to take it from you."

        Nabiki's laughter rang out.  "Take it from me?" she said.
"What makes you think I have it on me?  As you've noted, I'm not
stupid."

        The Amazon's eyes narrowed.  "Where have you hidden it,
girl?"

        "Where you'll never find it, old woman," Nabiki replied.  Her
eyes remained locked with Cologne's.

        "Careful, girl," the Amazon woman said.  "You tread a
dangerous path.  Be careful that you are not trapped by your own
carelessness."

        "Is that a threat?"

        "No," Cologne said, "it is a warning."  She jumped to the top
of the wall, then called back over her shoulder, "We will speak on
this again!  This conversation is not finished until I have the
brooch!"

***


        Nabiki popped the pills into her mouth, took a drink of water,
and swallowed.  She knew from experience that she'd be sound
asleep within ten minutes; in a household like the Tendo's it was a
very useful trick.

        She slipped into her room and slid open her dresser drawer.
She reached in, feeling along the wood roof of the dresser, and
found the brooch where she'd taped it.  She pulled it out and stared
at it a moment.

        Strange, that such an ugly piece of metal could be the  source
of such a powerful magic.

        Carefully she slipped down the hall and into her room.
Ranma was there, sound asleep on a futon, and thankfully wearing
some of her pajamas.  It was a bit creepy to see her own body from
several feet away, but Nabiki shrugged it off.  Quickly she pinned
the brooch to Ranma's pajamas, the sat back.

        While Nabiki waited for the pills to take effect, she studied
her body from the unusual vantage point of another's eyes.  She
didn't like what she saw, not only because, like most, she was
critical of her looks, but also because Ranma, in usual fashion,
sprawled every which way, and snored in a most unbecoming
manner.  Nabiki made a mental note to not loan her body out to
others, especially careless idiotic martial artists.  She was lucky to
be getting it back in one piece.

        She leaned over the sleeping form of herself.

        "Ranma," she called out.  "Wakey wakey."

        The increasingly gender-confused boy/girl continued to snore
away.  Nabiki frowned in irritation.

        "Ranma," she said, a little louder.  Still there was no response.

        "Oh, look," Nabiki said, "Here's Auntie Saotome!"

        Ranma shot up like a catapult.  There was a crack as their
heads met, harder than Nabiki had anticipated.  Then she was
sitting on the futon in her pajamas as  the room spun about her.
Ranma-as-Akane was nearby, rubbing her head and looking
confused.  Nabiki's head ached too, but she had enough presence
of mind to undo the brooch and palm it, before Ranma noticed.

        *Mission accomplished,* Nabiki thought with a smile.
*What shall I do for an encore?*

        "Nabiki?" Ranma asked.  She rubbed her eyes blearily.  "What
are you doing here?"

        "Well, it is my room," Nabiki said.

        "I'm Akane again?" Ranma asked, still half asleep.  "Maybe I
should wake Akane and try her too."

        "Go to bed, Ranma," Nabiki said.  "We'll worry about it in the
morning."

***


        It was six a.m. Monday morning, and Ranma and Akane were
yelling at each other.

        Nabiki sat on her bed, wincing at the noise.  You'd think
switching those two around would allow for a break in the
monotony.  Maybe Father was right.  Maybe nothing essential had
been changed.

        Should she leave them this way?  For how long?  A few days?
A week?  Perhaps even a month or more?  After all, it might do
them good, and provide Nabiki with a bit of amusement.

        Maybe she wouldn't switch them back at all.  She had the
power, now, to use as she wished.

        She toyed with the brooch in her hands.  Under no
circumstances was she going to let it out of her sight again.  Those
damned Amazons had been known to sneak into the Tendo
household, and they weren't above thievery.  Nabiki slid the brooch
into her pocket, smiling.  No, she and her friends had too many
ideas on how to use this little trinket.

***


        "So what's wrong with the way I'm dressed anyways?"

        Akane stood in the hallway fuming.  Ranma was dressed in
her usual loose black pants and red top.  Of course, Ranma wasn't
Ranma, at the moment.

        "What do you think?" Akane yelled.  You're supposed to be
me, remember?  Do you want everyone to think I'm weird or
something?"

        "Ah, man, I'm tired of wearing dresses!"

        "Ranma!  You're in my body!  You've got to dress and act like
me!"

        "That shouldn't be too hard..." Ranma said.  "All I gotta do is
be angry all the time...."

        "Baka!" Akane yelled, clobbering Ranma over the head.

        "Hey!" Ranma yelled back.  "I'm the violent tomboy now,
remember?"

        "You idiot!  All of this is your fault!"

        "Anyway," Ranma continued, "you're wearing a dress.  Aren't
you supposed to be me?  Since when did I start wearing dresses to
school?"

        "Since last week," Akane replied.  "Kasumi's been wearing
them, remember?"

        Ranma's face fell slightly.  "Ah, man, now everyone's gonna
think I'm weird or something...."

        "They already do," Akane said.  "Besides, people are used to
you being a girl.  You switch sexes so often, it's a wonder anyone
knows you're a guy."

        "Hey!"

        "Well?"

        Kasumi appeared at the top of the stairs.  "Hurry up, you two!
You don't want to be late, do you?"

        Akane narrowed her eyes.  "We're not going anywhere until
Akane here changes into a proper uniform!"

        "Okay, okay," Ranma said, stepping back into Akane's room.
"I'll put on the stupid dress.  Geez, it's not like anyone thinks you're
feminine or nothing...."

        "RANMA!"

***


        Ranma placed her thumb over the garden hose, spraying
water all over Akane.  Akane shrunk, transforming back into a red-
headed girl in a dress, rather than a black-haired guy in a dress.

        "I swear," Ranma said, "that old woman never used hot water
before!"

        "Well," Akane said, "at least it's more easily fixed.  Come on,
we're gonna be late!"

        Akane ran down the street that led to their school.  Ranma
hopped onto the fence and began ran atop it, shadowing Akane.

        Akane slowed down.  "If you do that," she said, "people are
going to see your underwear."

        Ranma frowned, then hopped back down.  "You're the one
that insisted I wear this thing," she said.

        "Baka."

        "Uncute tomboy."

        "That's my line."

        "Oh, yeah.  Um... hentai."

        "Much better," Akane said.  "Now hurry up!"

***


        The room was empty when Ranma entered, quiet save for a
persistent drip echoing from the showers.  She moved quickly
between rows of lockers until she found the one marked 'Akane'.
This she yanked open.

        Inside were two gym suits, a swimsuit, shoes, socks, and
underwear.  Some makeup sat on a shelf.  Inside the door was a
mirror and a picture of a certain black pig.

        Ranma frowned.  In the mirror, Akane frowned back.  Ranma,
never happy to see Akane frown, tried to smile.  For some reason,
it held none of the cuteness inherent in Akane's own smile.

        Voices echoed off concrete and tile as girls began to stream
in.  Remembering why she'd arrived so early, Ranma undressed as
fast as she could.

        Several girls rounded the corner.  They stopped and stared at
Ranma.

        "Akane?  What's with the boxers?"

        "Aren't those Ranma's?"

        "Eeew, Akane, that's weird!"

        "Um," Ranma said.  "Um... I guess I grabbed the wrong
underwear this morning...?"

        "Huh?"

        "Why would Ranma's underwear be in your room?"

        "Don't tell me you two are sleeping together!"

        "What?  Of course not!" Ranma said, her cheeks flushing red.
"Don't be stupid!"

        "Well, it just seems weird...."

        More girls entered the locker room, and those already there
were quickly becoming naked.  Ranma spun to face her locker,
ignoring those around her.  She pulled the swimsuit on quickly and
ran for the exit.

        Akane walked through the front door, nearly colliding with
Ranma.  Her eyes went wide.

        "Ranma?  What are you doing in here?  You pervert!"

        As one, the girls in the room turned.  Seeing Akane, they
began screaming, covering up, and throwing things at her.

        "Ranma you pervert!" one screamed.

        "What are you trying to do?  This is the girls locker room, you
idiot!" another yelled.

        "Wait!" Akane yelled.  Water buckets, bars of soap, and other
objects bounced off of her.  Cursing, Ranma grabbed Akane's arm
and yanked her out into the hallway.

        "What the heck are ya doing, Akane?" she said.  "Don't you
remember who you are right now?"

        Akane's friend Sayuri poked her head out the door.  "Akane,
keep your hentai fianc�e under control, got it?"

        Akane was nearly in tears.  "I... I didn't remember, I... I just
wanted to change for p.e. ...."

        "You have to use the bathroom in the nurse's office," Ranma
said.

        "Yeah," Akane said, rubbing her head.  "Um... where's your
swimsuit, then?"

        "In my locker."

        Akane glanced across the hall at the entrance to the boy's
locker.  "I'm not going in there," she said.  "Especially like this."

        Ranma sighed.  "Just a second, okay?"

        She walked over and pounded on the door, then threw it open.
Boys, in various states of undress, glanced up.

        "HEY DAISUKE!" Ranma yelled.  "BRING RANMA HER
SWIMSUIT, GOT IT?  RIGHT NOW!!!"


        Five minutes later, now wearing Ranma's swimsuit, Akane
left the nurse's office.  Ranma waited for her.

        "So," Akane said, "you dressed in the girl's locker room."

        "Well?" Ranma said, his face growing hot.  "What did you
expect?  It's not like I had a choice, you know!"

        "You hentai!  Why not tell the coach you're sick?"

        "I did."

        "And?"

        "Um..." Ranma looked away, embarrassed.  "The coach said...
that I didn't look sick, and that... um, that it... it wasn't my time of
the month...."

        Akane's face flushed red, and she looked away.

        "Baka!" she said, softly.  "I want my body back!"

        "You're not the only one," Ranma said.  "As soon as school's
out, we're going to see the ghoul."

***


        Nabiki, Kyoko, and Midori sat by the side of the pool, talking
in quiet tones.

        "We could switch with a teacher," Kyoko said.  "Then you
could alter grades as you like."

        "That's kind of risky," Midori said.  "You run a good chance
of getting caught."

        "Well, okay," Kyoko said.  "How about this?  You charge
people to take their tests for them.  A simple switch, and an hour
later you've got a perfect A.  I mean, any of us could ace a test for
one of the lower grades."

        "That's a good idea," Midori said.  "That might work."

        "I don't want people to know how it's done," Nabiki replied.

        "That's easy enough," Midori said.  "You pile on lots of
mystic mumbo jumbo to hide the truth.  Runic symbols on the
floor, chanting by the light of the moon, candles and incense, that
sort of thing."

        "Sounds good," Kyoko said.  "You know, the real trick would
be passing college entrance exams.  If we could find a couple of
genius college students to work with, we could make a bundle real
quick."

        "No kidding," Midori said.  "That's brilliant, Kyoko,
absolutely brilliant!"

        You know," Kyoko said, "something like this provides
effective immortality, if you abuse it."

        "No," Nabiki said.  "I don't want to abuse it.  All I want is to
have some fun and make some money.  Most of all, I want to keep
it secret.  I don't want to expose ourselves more than is necessary."

        "Did Kuno make the deposit?" Midori asked.  "We'll need to
pay everyone at lunch, you know."

        "Don't worry," Nabiki said.  "The money's in the bank.  I
checked."

        "The pictures will be developed by tonight," Kyoko said.  "We
can sell them tomorrow."

        Nabiki nodded, frowning.

        "What's wrong, Nabiki?" Midori asked.  "Everything's turned
out well, but you're not satisfied.  Something's eating at you, I can
tell.  Is it the kiss with Kuno?"

        Nabiki made a face.  "No," she said, "it's something else.
We've got a problem, girls; that Amazon woman is on to me.
We're going to have to be careful."

        "Shampoo's grandmother?" Midori asked.  "Wow, Nabiki,
you're talking about a dangerous woman there.  What are you
going to do about it?"

        "I don't know," Nabiki said.

        "Maybe that selective memory loss technique?" Kyoko
suggested.

        "Do you know how to do that?" Midori replied.  "Do you
know someone who could nail her with it?"

        "Well, no...."

        "We have to act fast," Nabiki said.  "Ranma and Akane will
go to see her eventually.   Probably this afternoon, in fact.  Then
they'll know, and our game will be exposed."

        The other two stared at Nabiki, eyes growing wide.

        "What are we going to do?" Kyoko asked.

        "Start thinking," Nabiki said.  "We still have the brooch.  By
the time school ends, we need  to have a plan as well."

***


        Ranma dove into the pool and swam to the opposite side.
Akane perched there, at the edge of the pool, along with several
other girls.

        "Akane," one of the girls exclaimed.  "When did you learn to
swim?"

        "Wow, Akane!  That was really good!"

        "Have you been practicing in secret?"

        Large sweatdrops appeared on Ranma and Akane's heads.
"I... um..." Ranma said, "...yeah, that's it.  I've, ah, been
practicing...."

        "Baka," Akane said.

        Ranma flashed her a wicked smile.  "Come on in, Ranma,"
she said.  "I'll race you to the other side!"

        "No thanks," Akane replied, glowering.

        Ranma dove down to the bottom, and then resurfaced with a
splash.

        "That's great, Akane!  I'm impressed!"

        "Thanks!" Ranma said.  "I think I'm getting good at it!"

        Akane rolled her eyes.  "Good at what?" Akane retorted.  "All
you did was dive down and come back up!"

        "Yeah," Ranma said, "but until last week, I was an absolute
cow in the water."

        The girls stifled their laughter.

        "Come on, Akane," one said, "you weren't that bad."

        "Yeah, you're being too hard on yourself."

        "No I'm not," Ranma said.  "I was a rock.  A lead weight.  An
anchor.  A...."

        "We get the picture," Akane growled.  Steam appeared to rise
from her body.

        Ranma smiled.  "I'm just saying I'm much better at it now!"
As if to demonstrate, she backstroked out several feet, then swam
back.

        "Big deal, Akane," Akane said.  "If you remember any of this
by next week, then I'll be surprised."

        Ranma had no reply to this.  If she remembered this next
week, she'd still be in Akane's body.

        "Stop picking on her, Ranma," Akane's friend  Sayuri said.
"She really is doing better!"

        "Yeah, grow up, why don't you?" Yuka added.  "You're such a
jerk sometimes!"

        Akane looked at her friends in surprise, then lowered her
eyes.  She glared at Ranma again.

        Ranma only laughed and disappeared beneath the water.

***


        Soun and Genma sat hunched over the family table, sorting
through the massive pile of shredded paper that had once been a
book of ancient Chinese secrets.  Birds chirped in the yard out
back, greeting the morning sun as it emerged from behind a cloud.

        The phone rang.

        "Kasumi?  Have you got that?" Soun called out.

        "She's hanging laundry out back," Genma said.

        Grumbling, Soun got up to answer the phone.

        "Hello, Tendo-san?" a voice said.  "This is Tofu-Sensei.  I
finally remembered something last night that I think you should
know...."

        As Soun listened to the doctor speak he toyed with the scrap
of paper in his hand.  Suddenly he held it up and stared at it.  It
was half of a picture of a pewter brooch, carved in the likeness of a
grinning monkey.

        "Funny you should mention that, Tofu-Sensei," he said.

        "Father," Kasumi said, coming around the corner.  "I was
doing the wash, and I found this piece of paper in the pocket of
Nabiki's jeans."  She held up a damp scrap.  Soun took it and lined
it up next to his.

        It was a perfect match.  Now he could see the entire brooch.

        "It looks just like an odd brooch I found in the dirt last week,"
Kasumi said.  "At first I didn't think much of it, but...."

        There was a knock at the door.  Kasumi opened it.  On the
porch, balancing on her staff, was the Amazon matriarch, Cologne.

        "Soun Tendo," she said, "we need to talk."

***


        "Honestly, you're an even bigger jerk in my body," Akane said
over lunch.

        She opened her bento box, and her face fell.  Leftovers.
Great.  In three days, Ranma had cooked enough food to last a
week.

        "That's not what I call it," Ranma said, stuffing her face.  "I
call it retribution."

        Akane pulled out her chopsticks and began to pick at her
meal.  "Retribution?  What the heck do you mean by that?"

        "Airen!" a familiar voice called out.  The tinkle of a bicycle
bell mixed with sounds of screaming, shouting, and things crashing
and breaking.

        "Your girlfriend's here," Ranma said casually.

        "My girlfriend?" Akane said.  "What do you mean, my
girlfriend?"

        A purple-haired girl latched onto Akane.  "Ranma!" she
exclaimed.  "Shampoo so happy to see you!  You eat ramen I make
for you, yes?"

        "Oh, no you don't!" another voice called out.  "Ranchan's
going to eat the okonomiyaki that I made for him!"

        "That would be your other girlfriend," Ranma said.

        "They're not my girlfriends, you pervert!" Akane yelled.

        Ranma watched Akane struggle with Shampoo.  "Like I said.
Retribution."

        Ukyo planted herself in front of their table.  "Hands off,
Shampoo!  Ranchan's MY fianc�e!"

        "Shampoo!" Akane growled, prying the Amazon loose.  "Get
OFF of me!"

        Shampoo suddenly let go.  She stepped back, looking from
Akane to Ukyo.

        "Okay," she said.  "Shampoo see now.  Ranma really want
Ukyo as bride, Shampoo no stand in way."  She turned and
grabbed Ranma's hand.  "Akane come with Shampoo," she said.
"Leave two love birds alone."

        Akane, Ranma, and Ukyo stared at Shampoo in shock.  Ukyo
was the first to react.

        "Ranma Honey!" she exclaimed, wrapping her arms about
Akane.  "Did you hear that?  Shampoo approves of us as a couple!"

        "Now wait a second!" Akane exclaimed, but Shampoo was
already dragging Ranma away from the table.

        "You want ramen?" Shampoo asked, as she led Ranma to
another table.  "Is house special.  Shampoo bring pork buns too!"

        Ranma's eyes got big.  "Well, why didn't you say so?" she
said.  She sat down and began stuffing her face.

        "Ranma, you like?" Shampoo asked.

        "They're the best!" Ranma replied, mouth full.

        "Why you in Akane's body?"

        Ranma paused, sensing a trap.  "I'm not in Akane's body," she
said.  "I mean... um... I AM Akane, of course!  I'm not Ranma at
all!"  She glowered across the room at Akane, being hand-fed by
Ukyo despite her protests, and growled, "That stupid Ranma!  I'm
gonna pound him into the ground for no apparent reason!"

        Shampoo smiled.  "Always you is bad actor, Ranma," she
said.  "You is fool Mousse and Ryoga, but you is no fool
Shampoo."

        "What do you mean?" Ranma asked.  "I sound just like
Akane!  Which is me!  Akane!  That's who I am, all right!   Do I
look like Ranma to you?  With these wide hips and this flat chest?
Of course not!"

        A pair of shadows fell across the table.  Cologne and Kasumi
waited patiently for Ranma to finish.

        "Hello, Ranma," Kasumi said pleasantly.  "How's school so
far?"

        "Son-In-Law," Cologne said.  "You do not, at the moment,
make an ideal husband for my grand-daughter.  Would you like
your old body back?"

***


        It was a busy day for Nabiki.  She sat in the center of the
lunch room, flanked by her two co-conspirators, while half the
school lined up before her.  A large black binder lay open on the
table, next to a hand calculator and a checkbook.

        "Name?" Nabiki asked.

        "Kyosuke."

        Nabiki eyed the boy at the front of the line, then flipped
through the binder.  "twenty thousand yen, is it?  Okay, then."  She
wrote a check, then handed it to the boy.

        "How do I know this is good?" he said.  "I've heard rumors of
how much you've lost.  They say you can't cover all the bets!"

        "I can cover them," Nabiki said, her voice laced with steel.
"My checks are good.  Now move out of the way, we don't have all
day here.  Next?  HEY, NO SHOVING!  YOU'LL ALL GET
YOUR MONEY SOON ENOUGH!"

        A girl stepped up.  "Name?" Nabiki asked.

        "You know who I am, Nabiki," the girl said.

        "NAME?" Nabiki repeated.

        "Uh... Sayuri."

        "Let's see... Sayuri...."  Nabiki searched the book.  "Ah.  Only
5,000?  Big spender!"

        "It's all I had," Sayuri said, defensively.  She took her check
and left.

        "Next?  Name?" Nabiki asked.

        "Ono, Tofu."

        "Tofu... Tofu...."  Nabiki flipped through her binder.  "Tofu...
Tofu... I don't seem to have you down for a bet...."

        Nabiki paused.  She looked up.  Dr. Tofu Ono regarded her
calmly, his gaze never wavering.

        "Tofu-Sensei?" she said, smiling sweetly.  "How may I help
you?"

        Dr. Tofu smiled back.

        "Nabiki," he said, "do you remember that Monkey Head-
Butting technique which Ranma and Akane asked me about?
Well, I finally remembered how it worked.  It's not really a
technique at all; it involves a special magical amulet, a brooch in
the shape of a monkey's head."

        Nabiki's gaze also didn't waver.  "Yes?" she said.  "That's very
interesting, Tofu-Sensei, but what does it have to do with me?  I'm
very busy at the moment...."

        Nabiki realized, suddenly, that Kyoko and Midori no longer
stood to either side of her.  Instead, she had Ranma, Shampoo, and
Genma to her left, and Akane, Ukyo, Cologne, and her own father
to her right.  Tears flowed down her father's face.  Kasumi was
also there, standing a ways off.

        "Daddy?" she asked.  "Mr. Saotome?  What are all of you
doing here?"

        "Nabiki!" Akane growled.  "You knew all along, didn't you?
My own sister!"

        "Nabiki!" her father cried.  "How could you do this to your
own family?"

        "The brooch, please," Cologne said.

        "You have it, don't you?" Ranma said, cracking her knuckles.

        "Moi?  Surely you don't think I'd hide it from you?"

        "Depends on the money involved," replied Ranma.  She
stepped forward.  "How about I bump heads with you and find
out?"

        "Please," Nabiki said, "that won't be necessary...."

        "Yes it will!" Ranma yelled.  She lunged forward, banging
heads with the middle Tendo sister.

        Nabiki's world spun about.  For the second time in twenty-
four hours, she found herself in the body of her younger sister.

        "Ha!  I thought so!" Ranma, now in Nabiki's body, exclaimed.
She stood up, knocking over Nabiki's books and records in the
process.  "Akane!  Heads up!" she yelled, leaping head-first at her
own body.

        "What are you doing?" Nabiki yelled.  "Stop that!"  She tried
to jump forward, but was grabbed by Shampoo and Genma.

        Ranma and Akane's heads collided.  They stumbled back,
then glanced down at themselves.

        "Awesome!" Ranma yelled.  "I'm finally back in my own body
again!  Although," she added, " I'm still wearing a dress...."

        Akane, in her sister's body now, glared at Nabiki, then
smirked.  "She ought to be punished," Akane said.  "Maybe we
could leave her in my body.  Let her be the one engaged to Ranma
for a while!"

        "Very funny," Nabiki replied, "but I doubt you want to keep
my body over your own.  You've had your fun; now give me my
body back."

        "Not so fast," Akane said, digging through Nabiki's pockets.
"Hold her.  I want to find that brooch."  She upended Nabiki's book
bag on the table and sorted through the contents.

        "Hey, what's this?  Film?"  Akane glanced up.  "Who you
selling cheese shots of now, Nabiki?"

        "They're pictures of floral arrangements," Nabiki said,
"nothing more."

        "Ha!  A likely story!  Then you won't mind if I destroy them,
will you?"

        "Leave them alone!" Nabiki yelled.

        "Hey, what's this?  Hmmm, personal ledger."  Akane scanned
the figures, then glanced up.  "Took quite a hit at the big fight,
didn't you?"  She glanced down again, and paused.  "What's this
about Kuno?"  Akane's eyes went wide.  "Kamisama!  He paid you
how much?  Nabiki, what on earth did you do for Kuno?  Wait, I
don't want to know.  For that kind of money, I don't even want to
think about it."

        "Hey, check this out!" Ranma said.  She was flipping through
a small black book that had spilled onto the table.  "It's a book on
everyone she's blackmailing!  Wow!  Students, teachers, principal,
parents, relatives, neighbors... oh, come on, Nabiki, you can't be
blackmailing all of these people!"

        "Let me see that," Akane said.  She glanced through the book.
"Oh, see these pencil marks, near most of the names?  That must
mean potential blackmail.  Boy, Sis, you sure got dirt on some
powerful people here, don't you?  Just in case, huh?"  She glanced
up and smiled wickedly.  "What would these people think if they
found out what's in this book?"

        Nabiki rolled her eyes disdainfully.  "If you want to, go right
ahead," she said.  "It will cause me a few problems, I admit, but
that's all.  I know you're mad at me, Akane, but there's no sense in
being vindictive.  It's not in your nature.  Nothing you say or do is
going to hurt me in the end, so you might as well forget all of your
petty schemes to 'punish' me."

        "Says you," Akane replied.  She leaped onto the table and
called out to the entire lunchroom, "Listen up, everyone!  I, Nabiki
Tendo, swear upon my mother's grave to buy everyone's lunch
tomorrow!  EVERYONE!  Consider it my gift to you!!"

        "Does that include take-out?" someone yelled.

        "You got it!" Akane yelled back.

        Nabiki's eyes went wide.  "You can't do that!" she yelled.
Around her, the cafeteria erupted into loud cheering.

        "Hey," Akane said, "it's my money, right?  I can do whatever I
want with it!  In fact, Ranma, I declare all your debts to me null
and void!  Let's start with a clean slate, shall we?"

        "Sure thing, Nabiki!" Ranma said.

        "Oh, ha ha, very funny," Nabiki said.

        "Enough of this," Cologne said.  "Where is the brooch?"

        "Right here," Akane said.  She pulled it out of a pocket and
held it up.  "Kind of ugly, isn't it?"  She  studied the odd piece of
pewter with the grinning' monkey's face.  "Then again, if it gets me
back into my own body, who cares?"  She leapt down from the
table and glared at Nabiki one last time.

        "Heads up, Sis," she said, snapping her head forward.

***


        Akane checked her body over, as if to make certain all of the
parts were in place.  "I can't believe it's finally over," she said.

        "Sez you," Ranma growled.  "I'm still wearing a dress, in case
you didn't notice.  It'll be over when I get home and can be myself
again."

        Cologne held the brooch, while Dr. Tofu and Genma held
Nabiki.  Soun, still weeping, stood with Akane and Ranma, while
Kasumi, Shampoo, and Ukyo stood a ways off.  The lunch room
had emptied as students headed back to class, and only a few
remained to watch.

        "The Monkey Head-Butting brooch," Cologne said.  "To
think, after all of this time, it finally reappears.  I'm almost certain
it was stolen by Happosai, but no matter.  What was once ours
becomes ours again."

        "Fine by me if you take that thing," Ranma said.  "I wouldn't
be caught dead with it on me.  It's an accident waiting to happen."

        "You are quite correct," Cologne said.  "This is a powerful
magical talisman, and can be very dangerous in the hands of the
unwary."

        "How nice!" Kasumi said.  "Everyone's back in their own
bodies, finally!  All's well that ends well, wouldn't you agree,
Nabiki?"

        "Whatever," Nabiki said.  "If you don't release me, I'm going
to be late for class."

        "Nabiki!" Soun wailed.  "Please forgive your father!  I only
want what's best for you!"

        "My only concern," Cologne said, "is that you learn your
lesson, Miss Tendo.  This time you went too far.   You used magic
to alter people's lives, something far beyond your usual
blackmailing and manipulations.  You hurt your own kin in the
process.  Would you have enjoyed being stuck in Ranma's body,
perhaps forever?  Ranma and Akane had no way of knowing this
was temporary.  What if you'd lost the brooch?  Then it would have
been forever.  And your actions do not affect just the two of them,
but everyone who associates with them.  I think you owe an
apology to Ranma and Akane, at the very least."

        Nabiki's shoulders finally slumped, and she stared down at the
floor.  "I... I'm sorry," she said in a quiet voice.  "I'm sorry, Ranma,
Akane.  I was going to switch you back, eventually, I... I guess I
got a little carried away.  Please, forgive me, if you can."

        "That's okay, Sis," Akane said.  "I forgive you."

        She elbowed Ranma.

        "Ah, I forgive ya, Nabiki," he managed.  "I mean, you've
helped me out enough times... even if you always charge me...."

        "Very well," Cologne said.  "Now all that remains is to put
this brooch away someplace safe...."

        Kasumi stepped forward, putting her hands around Nabiki.
"Oh, Sis, I'm so proud of you!  I know how difficult that was for
you to say.  I forgive you too!  Let's let bygones be bygones!"

        Kasumi was now standing right in front of Doctor Tofu.  The
good Doctor, who had been working very hard to control himself,
suddenly lost it.  His glasses fogged over instantly.  He let go of
Nabiki and stumbled forward.  "K-K-Kasumi!" he exclaimed.
"How strange that we should meet like this!"

        "Shimatta!" Ranma cursed.

        Nabiki, Genma, and Kasumi were knocked back.  "Look out,
you fool!" Cologne yelled, before Nabiki stumbled into her.
`
        "Ow!  Excuse me!" Nabiki said.  She twisted, trying to keep
from falling, and collided with Shampoo.  The two girls fell to the
ground, with Nabiki on top.

        "I said careful!" Cologne cried out.  "Now you've done it!"

        Nabiki sat up, then looked down at herself.  "Aiya!" she
exclaimed.  "What you do to me, Nabiki Tendo?"

        "Oh, great," Shampoo said.  "I'm a Chinese Amazon bimbo."

        It took the others a moment to realize what had happened.
The brooch was no longer in Cologne's hand, but hooked onto the
front of Nabiki's shirt.  The rest was obvious.

        "Now, be careful," Cologne said.  "That thing can be
dangerous...."

        Shampoo grabbed the brooch.  "Here," Nabiki said, "give me
that."  Shampoo jerked her hand back, and the brooch sailed across
the cafeteria.

        "Don't lose it!" Cologne cried out.  Several started after it,
when a small man in a dark red gi leapt through an open window.
On his back was a massive sack, from which dangled various items
of lingerie.

        "Eh?  What's this?" Happosai said, looking up.  The brooch
landed neatly in his hand.

        "Hey, what do you know?" he said.  "I recognize this!  It's the
monkey brooch!  This is the device that allows for the Monkey
Head-Butting technique!"

        Happosai glanced up and saw the others.  In a flash , he
pinned the brooch to his vest and bounded across the cafeteria.

        "Akane!" he exclaimed.  "Bump heads with me!"

        "Not on your life!" Akane yelled.  She met Happosai mid-air
with a perfect block, knocking the diminutive master aside.

        Happosai crashed into Doctor Tofu.  The brooch again went
flying.

        "Stop it!" Cologne yelled.  "Grab it, somebody!"

        Seemingly from nowhere, Tatewaki Kuno appeared, bokken
raised.  He ran towards them.  Falling, the brooch snagged his
sleeve and stayed there.

        "Pig-tailed girl!" Kuno said.  "Date with me again!"

        "NO!  Keep away from me!" Ranma yelled.  She  placed a
solid kick under Kuno's chin, and the kendoist was launched
through the roof.

        "Oh man, that was scary," Ranma said, then paused.  "Again?
What did he mean by again?"

        The brooch fell onto Ranma's arm.  She stared at it in horror.
"Aaaaigh!  Get it off me!  Get it off me!"

        Nabiki, in Shampoo's body, stepped forward.  "Here, Ranma-
kun, I'll take that off your hands," she said.  Then, suddenly, a
Chinese boy wearing thick glasses and a white robe glomped onto
her.

        "Shampoo!  I love you!" Mousse said.

        "I'm not Shampoo, you moron!"

        "Ranma!  Prepare to die!" a third voice called out.  Ranma
spun, to see Ryoga flying through the air head-first at her.

        "Oh man!  Not now, you idiot!"  Ranma dodged in
desperation.  Nabiki lunged forward, snatching the brooch from
her arm.  Ryoga plowed into Nabiki, and they both went sprawling.

        The brooch flew at Akane, who dodged it as if it were toxic.
It landed in Cologne's hands.

        Nabiki, now in Ryoga's body, looked pissed.  "Great," he said.
"First a bimbo, now the eternally lost pig-boy.  Wonderful.  Just
peachy."

        Ryoga, now in Shampoo's body, glanced down at herself in
horror.  "Aaaigh!  What's happened?" she cried out.  "Ranma, this
is all your fault!"

         Cologne look at the brooch in wonder.  "Do you see?" she
said.  "I warned you, a device of this power can cause great
harm...."

        At precisely that moment, satellite Kuno fell from orbit,
proving that what goes up must come down, and often on
someone's head.  Kuno collided with Cologne, and, for a split
second, balanced precariously atop her, on his head, like some sort
of bizaare circus act.  Then he fell sideways to the ground,
unconscious.

        Cologne -- or could it really be Kuno? -- blinked, looking
confused.  The brooch was lifted easily from her hands.

        Mousse held the brooch, a foolish grin on his face.  "At last!"
he said, "A way to defeat Ranma!  Once I take Ranma's body,
Shampoo is mine!  Ranma!  Prepare to face the depths of hell!"

        "Oh, man!" Ranma said, jumping back.  However, Mousse
launched himself head-first not at Ranma, but at the wall.  There
was a loud crack, and he fell to the floor, unconscious.  The brooch
fell from his hand.

        "I've got it!" Genma yelled.

        "No, I've got it!" Ukyo yelled.

        "Wait, I've got it!" Soun yelled.

        "No!  It's mine!" Nabiki yelled.

        "Give me that!" Shampoo yelled.

        More heads collided.  Ranma and Akane couldn't keep track
of them all.

        With a Herculean effort, Kuno appeared to shove the
knowledge that she was in Cologne's body completely from her
mind.  She gazed lovingly at Ranma.  "Kiss me once again, pig-
tailed girl!" she yelled, leaping directly at Ranma.

        "GAAAH!"  Ranma yelled, dodging yet again.

        Behind her came a peal of maniacal laughter.  "Oh no.
Kodachi Kuno," she said.

        This was followed by the deep, rolling laughter of her equally
mad father, Principal Kuno.  "De kahuna have de special buzz-cut
for de keike dat are late for class, yeah?"

        Behind that he heard a cry of "Oh, you naughty, delinquent
children!  Why aren't you in class?"

        "Oh, man," said Ranma, "I am outta here!"

        "Right behind you, Ranma!" Akane said.  The two ran for an
exit.  They ran down a school hallway, came to an intersection,
and paused.

        The hallways were quiet.  Akane and Ranma stood there,
looking at each other.

        "Hey, you two!  No running in the halls!" a passing teacher
called out.

        "Sorry, sir!" the two replied.

        They headed to their homeroom.  Their shoes click-clacked
on the linoleum, the sound echoing down the hallway.  Lunch was
over, students were in class, and the teachers had begun their
lectures.  The school day continued at it's usual pace.

        "We're late for class," Ranma said.

        Akane replied, "Aren't we always?"

***


        Back in the cafeteria, the confusion was growing....

        "What have you done to my body?"

        "Your body?  What about mine!"

        "Sweeto!  What a set of knockers!"

        "Stop that!  That's my body you're in!"

        "Somebody tell me what's going on!"

        "Oh, my," Kasumi said.  She stood at a safe distance, trying to
figure out who was who.  "Oh, what a mess!  How will we ever
sort it out?  Oh, my!  Oh, my!!"


***

END CHAPTER NINE

***

EPILOGUE

        It was afternoon in Nerima.  In a small Chinese restaurant,
business was booming.  An old and very short woman with long
white hair was manning the kitchen and taking orders.  A Japanese
girl with short black hair who wore a silk Chinese outfit was
waitressing out front, while an old and very short man did the
dishes in back.  From the ceiling hung a cage, in which lay a duck,
looking very pissed off.

        "Great Grandmother," the girl asked, "when Shampoo get own
body back?"

        "As soon as we track Happosai down," Cologne said, "we'll
get all four of you back into your proper bodies."

        "Why do I gotta be involved in this?" the short old man
complained.

        "Because it's convenient," Cologne replied.  "I do not trust the
Tendo woman to behave herself, and she's the one that caused all
of this, so I'm not letting her out of my sight until it's over.  She
gets your body because I can hold her easily that way.  I need a
waitress, and Shampoo would prefer to be female, so she gets the
Tendo girl's body.  You get what's left over.  Deal with it, Mousse,
it's only temporary."

        Overhead, the duck began squawking.  Cologne banged the
cage with her staff.  "Keep quiet!" she warned.  "Or do you want to
become Peking Duck?"

        In the back, the old man paused to stare at his hands.  "I
wonder," he said to himself.  "If I remember correctly, Happosai is
incredibly quick, and has enormous chi... enough to defeat Ranma
Saotome, in fact...."

        The old man chuckled evilly.

***


        At Furinkan High, a very long school day was drawing to a
close.

        Returning from the restroom, Ranma took a seat next to
Akane.  She was aware that more than a few sets of eyes in the
classroom followed her every movement, and it gave her the
creeps.  What was up with those guys, anyway?

        "Baka," Akane said softly.

        "What'd I do now?" Ranma whispered back.

        "Don't you know how to sit while wearing a dress?  You're
going to get it all wrinkled!"

        Ranma sighed, stood, and smoothed her dress out before
sitting again.

        "By the way," Ranma said, "I couldn't help noticing that my...
um... underwear... had... um... pink teddy bears on it."

        Akane's face flushed red.

        "Hey," she growled, "I'm not exactly thrilled to be wearing
boxer shorts under this dress!"

        Ranma fidgeted a moment.  "We could... um, you know...
switch...."

        "Baka!  Keep your voice down!"

        Ranma's two best friends -- if any of his classmates could be
called friends -- approached.

        "Hey, Hiroshi, hey, Daisuke," Ranma said.  "How's it going?"

        "Hey Ranma," Daisuke said.  "We were wondering about...
you know...."

        "What he means," Hiroshi said, "is that we'd like to take you
on another date."

        "A... date?" Ranma asked, dumbfounded.

        "Sure," Daisuke said.  "How about tomorrow night?"

        "You could wear that blue dress again," Hiroshi said.

        "Another date?" Ranma said, slow to react.  "What do you
mean by that?"

        "Well, we had so much fun last week," Daisuke said.

        "Yeah, Ranma," Hiroshi said.  "We're glad you've decided to
show your feminine side.  We just want to help."

        Daisuke nodded.  "We're behind you all the way on this
Ranma."

        "What the heck are you two babbling about?" Ranma
growled, becoming angry.

        From across the room, a voice called out, "Pig-tailed girl!
Akane Tendo!"  Daisuke and Hiroshi took one look and fled.
Moments later, Tatewaki Kuno landed on one knee at the feet of
his two loves, a bouquet of red roses held out to each.

        "Kuno!" Akane said.  "You're yourself again!"

        "Thank the gods," Ranma added.  "The world's not ready for a
Kuno/Cologne combination."

        "Oh fair red-haired one!" Kuno exclaimed.  "Now that my
date with the equally fair Akane is accomplished, I must plan our
second date!  Perhaps, this time, you will allow me to date the both
of you at once?  Say yes and it will be so!"

        "What?" Ranma and Akane both yelled.  As one, they grabbed
Kuno by the collar, lifted him, and tossed him out an open
window.

        "What was that idiot yammering about?" Ranma said.  She
glanced accusingly at Akane.  "He said he'd been on a date with
you!"

        Akane, face red, retorted, "You know I haven't.  Besides, he
said the same thing about you!"

        "Second date?" Ranma echoed.  "Second date?  He keeps
saying that!  I haven't been dating nobody!  Why is everyone acting
so weird all of a sudden?"

        "Oh," Akane said, placing a hand to her mouth.  She sat down
again, hard.  "Oh, I just remembered, those pictures of Kasumi and
Kuno... oh god, she wouldn't... she couldn't... she didn't....  Oh.
My.  God.  She did!"

        "Care to clue me in?" Ranma asked.

        Akane's eyes grew wide with horror.  "Kuno's not crazy," she
said.  "He's dated both of us in the last week."

        Ranma's eyes grew equally wide, then suddenly narrowed.
"Nabiki," he growled.

        Akane nodded.  "I'm gonna KILL her!"

        "Not if I get to her first!"

        A girl who did not have long, purple hair came flying through
the same window that Kuno had just flown out of.  She rode a
bicycle, and in one hand she carried a take-out box.

        The girl, who looked every bit like Nabiki in Chinese clothes,
leapt to Ranma's desk, allowing her bike to collide with the
chalkboard.

        "Airen!" she exclaimed.  "Shampoo bring special ramen for
you!  Replace ramen what was destroyed at lunch!"

        She set her delivery box on Ranma's desk.

        "Still looking for Happosai?" Akane asked.

        "What you think, Akane Tendo?" Shampoo said.  "This look
like Shampoo body to you?  Great Grandmother fix everything, but
not find pervert in Shampoo's body."  A dark look passed over her
face.  "When Shampoo find, Shampoo kill!!"

        The not-very-Chinese girl turned to Ranma.  "Ranma?  Why
you still dress like girl?  You like girl-clothes now?"

        Ranma placed her head in her hands.  "Please," she said to no
one in particular, "please let this day end!"


        FINI

Remember, if the world hands you lemons, fight back!  Write
something different!
Enjoy!  And if you don't, write me anyway!

M.A. Davis  aka "Miko"
belldandy@angelic.com
http://listen.to/bell/



Some notes:

This story is a bigger than I intended it to be.  A LOT bigger.  In
fact, it's probably the longest story I've ever written.  ^_^

My original idea was just to switch Ranma and Kasumi around and
have some fun.  I don't remember why I picked Kasumi... less
obvious than Akane, I suppose, although I managed to get around
to that one too.

The fight, and most of Nabiki's scheming, seemed to flow pretty
naturally from the basic plot.  I debated whether Kasumi would
really attempt to fight, but it seems to work as I've written it.  Of
course, I planned all along to switch her with Akane.

Plots that I did not foresee:

*The whole cooking challenge between Ranma and Happosai
came out of left field.  I wanted Happosai to show up so that they
could ask him about the monkey head-butting technique... and the
next thing I knew, he sampled Ranma's food and found fault with
it.  Ranma reacted badly, of course, and before I knew it I had a
secondary plot on my hands.  This is definately what they mean
when they say "the characters took over the story".  I had no
control whatsoever!

*Kasumi's date with Kuno also just kind of happened.  After his
triumphant evening with the pig-tailed girl, it was obvious to me
that Kuno would be desperate for a similar date with Akane.  I
debated having Kasumi and Akane switch before the fight,
allowing me to pull this date off, but it just didn't fit right.  It
worked much better having Kasumi in Ranma's body right up until
the fight, so I scrapped the whole idea.

*Nabiki's second gambit to salvage herself financially was another
plot I didn't foresee.  When I had Kuno beg for her to arrange a
date with Akane, offering her whatever she wanted, it just seemed
like the sort of thing he would do.  But then Nabiki found out
about Ranma's cooking fetish, and I figured she'd do something
about it, so in came the food stand.  By that point, there was no
question that she had set herself up for financial ruin when Mousse
lost.  I realized she would have a chance to make her money back,
if she could give Kuno his date with Akane.  My only worry here
was that I wanted it to happen.  I wanted Kuno to get his date, and
I didn't want to leave Nabiki in debt.  But if I let her get away with
so much, shouldn't I bring down the hammer of divine retribution?
Why, of course I should!

I also wanted to see Ranma and Akane in reversed roles for at least
a short while.  The story drags out too long at the end, but I like
what�s there and didn�t really want to cut any of it, so... with no
editor over my head, I get to do it my way, even if I�m wrong.  And
I probably am.  Then again, you don�t have to read the epilogue if
you don�t want to...  ^_^

Miko!

"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather a scornful tone, "it
means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many
different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master -- that's
all."

(Lewis Carroll, Through The Looking-Glass)

Nausicaa@sprynet.com   Belldandy@angelic.com
Anime rpg at http://come.to/akane/
Fan Fiction at http://listen.to/bell/