Notes: This one sucked. It wasn't horrific, wasn't horrifying, wasn't
even that good or bad. It just sucked.
However, it was worth it for the fart jokes. ^_^
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------
[SONIC][MST][META][ANTI][SELF][PG] MiST of 'MiSTed: Death of David
Kintobor'
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
------------------------------------
To Audience: I hope you enjoy this parody of a lame-assed MiST. Please do
archive at your site(s), if you wish, and break out those fanfic drinking
games(besides, it'll make _my_ riffs funnier if you're intoxicated {-_^}
).
Please note that I only censor what Crow says when it's funny, or when
Mike catches him. hence, the PG rating(nothing you wouldn't hear on
monday night cable, tho)
Dedication: Tom 'Agar' Currie, whose MiSTs are the reason I got into
MSTings and printed out Megane 6.7's MiSTs, which included the URL to
Shinji's Vault of Anime MiSTings in the footnotes, which had a link to
WS#9... well, you get the idea. Anyway, it's all your fault. ^_^
To Lamer Boy Cedric Henry: Listen, pal; I'm only going to say/type this
once. MiSTing is NOT about getting a free chance to flame someone you
disagree with; don't think anyone bought that 'Defending Gonterman'
garbage, all right? MiSTing, like any other type of fan fiction, is done
for fun and the enjoyment of others. We do it because we want to get
_some_ redeeming qualities out of the crap that is shoveled at us out
here on the net; we do it because we're diehard MSTies and want to
emulate our favorite show(s).
Got it? Good.
[Season 9 Opening Sequence]
[SoL Main Bridge]
[Mike and Gypsy are standing on the right, while Crow stands on the left:
a clothes rack now stands in front of the dogbone theater entrance, but
behind Crow. We can see that it is filled with different jumpsuits. Tom
pops up in front of the camera and counter.]
Tom Servo: Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love. Mike decided
that it was time for a new look, so he's getting a new jumpsuit from
Crow. Gypsy's decided to help him choose. Let's observe, shall we?
[Tom pops back down, and reemerges next to Mike, as the camera pans in:]
Mike: Well, Crow, I have to wonder; where did you get all these?
Crow: It's a big satellite, Mike. You know, here and there...
Mike: Hm.
Gypsy: Let's see the suits already.
Crow: Okay. First, we have a deluxe variation on the "Plug Suit" from the
popular show, Neon Genesis Evangelion. Additional colors optional.
[Mike picks up the first jumpsuit off the rack. It is indeed an
Evangelion-style plug suit: it's forest green, unlike the ones on the
show, larger sized to fit Mike(who is obviously taller and wider than the
Children) and MST is printed on the collarbone.]
Mike: That's interesting. I'll get back to it.
[Mike puts suit on counter, then picks up another. Mike picks another
suit off the rack. It is a jungle camoflaged jumpsuit, with marine style
shoulder holster.]
Crow: This jumpsuit enables you to have a good fighting chance, should
one of these crappy movies finally push you over the edge. I actualy
based the design on this kid named Nav-
Mike: I don't think so, Crow.
Crow: Your loss, pal. Next!
[Mike puts suit on counter, then picks up yet another. This one is a
little more like the traditional jumpsuit...except it's hot pink, and has
a Sailor Chibi-Moon emblem on the right side.]
Crow: With _this_ little number, you're making more than just a fashion
statement! You're saying to the world, 'Yeah, I watch Sailor Moon, and
I'm darn proud of it!' What do you say, Mike?
Gypsy: I think it's nice.
Tom: Yeah, very cheeky, Mike.
Mike:[flabbergasted] Ergh...I think this one's out of the question.
[tosses pink jumpsuit off screen]
Crow: Oh, come _on_, Mike. Be a little open minded, for once.
[commercial sign lights up]
Mike: Uh...let's check out the next jumpsuit. [turns to face Cambot] This
is gonna take a while. We'll be right back.
[MST3k Globe]
[Commercials:]
[1. Mystery Science Theater 3000! check out new episodes at:
Sci Fi Channel(cable), Saturdays 5pm and 11pm Eastern, 2pm and 8pm
Pacific]
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http://www.geocities.com/tokyo/temple/4007/AuthorAvatars.html]
[3. SUPER PSYCHIC GET RICH QUICK FREE $$$ XXX PASSWORD]
[4. An affordable QBasic to HTML conversion program]
[/Commercials:]
[SoL Main Bridge]
[Cambot is centered on Crow, Tom, and Gypsy. Mike is off screen.]
Mike:[OS] So, what do you guys think of it?
Tom: Well...it's nice, Mike, but...
Crow: [sarcastic] Well, that's just great, Mike! I go through all the
trouble to get all those jumpsuits for you, and you have to pick _that_
one!
Mike:[OS] Well, _I_ like it.
Gypsy: But, Mike-
[Cambot zooms out, so we can see Mike. His jumpsuit...looks exactly the
same.]
Gypsy: -That's your normal jumpsuit!
Mike: Well, that's not true, Gypsy! See, it's got extra pockets, for
loose change!
Crow:[grumbles, shakes head] I can't believe this...
[Mad Light flashes]
Mike: Anyway, Shonen Knife is calling.
[Castle Forrester]
[Observer faces the screen. Bobo is behind in the far right, on a blue
couch, trying to wrestle open a bag of Cheezy Poofs.]
Observer: Hello, Nelson, Robots. Pearl would be here, but she's busy with
this weeks invention exchange.
[Bobo continues to try and open the bag of chips, and falls off the couch
with a yelp.]
[SoL Main Bridge]
Mike: A what?!
Tom: Oh, I remember - that was a _while_ ago!
Mike: Well, what is it, Tom?
Gypsy: An invention exchange is when the Mads invent something, and we
invent something.
Crow: Yeah, the other guy was really good at it.
[CF]
[In the background, we now see Bobo completely losing it, yelling
ape-calls and stomping the persistent bag.]
Observer: I see you aren't ready for the Exchange yet. We'll go first.
[SoL]
Mike: Uh Oh. Guys, we need an invention, and fast.
Tom: I'll go check the storage bays. [exits, stage left]
Mike: Thanks, Tom. So, what did you guys make?
[CF]
[Pearl stands by Observer, while Bobo pushes a cart holding their
experiment onto the stage. The experiment looks like a junky Apple ||e
with a transparent mainframe box connected to a laser printer, with other
components attached for that futuristic look.]
Pearl: Well, Mike, I was just on AOL, reading that story 'The Death of
Oscar', and saw how they mercilessly massacred that poor teenaged mexican
saiyajin hermaprodite zoophile. So of course, I realized I had to try
that myself. With my supervision, Brain Guy here created a 'Death Of...'
AntiFic Creator, or DOAFicCreator for short.
Observer: [steps forward] You just type the name of the person you want
to assassinate, the level of violence you want done unto them, and any
other small details. The random generator does the rest!
[SoL]
Mike: Well...that's nice. Anyway, we're still waiting-
[Tom hovers in, tugging a machine which looks like a miniature version of
the DOAFicCreator]
Tom: Here you go, Mike.
Mike: Ah. So, what does it do?
Tom: Well, I was on Pearl's AOL account earlier, and was reading some
stories off the Hentai Archive. Well, I was inspired to create a
Decent-to-Raunchy Internet Lemon Literature-Fic Creator, or
DRILLFicCreator for short. You just put in the names of the participants,
the level of description and graphic acts, and a few small details, and
let 'er rip!
Crow: Cool! [everyone stares at Crow] What?!
[CF]
Pearl: Waitasec... that little fireplug thingy got in my AOL account?! No
wonder I got 50 porn messages a day! That's it! Since you like internet
fiction so much, Brain Guy here is going to send you one of the worst,
most convoluted he can find. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm got a few
hundred people to assassinate.[strides off, stage left]
Observer: Your experiment this week, Mike, is a review of a DOAFic,
called 'MiSTed: Death of David Kintobor'. And by the time this little
lovefest is over, you'll have the worst case of Multiple Personality
Syndrome this side of a Ratliff story! [does brain thingy]
[SoL]
Crow: So, how much for the DRILLFi-
[Lights flash, pandemonium ensues]
Mike: MOVIE SIGN!
[doorway tunnel sequence]
[Mike, Bots enter theater in L+R order of: Tom, Mike, Crow]
Crow: Tom, I want that DRILLFicCreator.
Tom: Not for a million ramchips!
Mike: We'll discuss this later, all right?
MiSTed: The Death of David Kintobar
Crow: 'MiSTed'? Hey! We're getting used goods!
Mike: I have a _very_ bad feeling about this...
Original by Jamie Jeans
Tom: Insert 'jeans' joke here.
Crow: Isn't Jamie Jeans "Edge"s alter ego?
Tom: Hey, if Megane 6.7 can manage to be Nightbreak _and_ Flashman, Jamie
can be a pro wrestler.
MiSTed by Cedric Henry
Mike: Cedric 'The Texas Wonder' Henry.
Tom: And given the literary beating that it deserves by us!
He mocked me in MiSTed: FF7
Tom:[cedric] And how DARE he mock my heavenly prose, for it is PERFECT,
quite obviously, and MUCH better than ANY of your 60 or so MSTs!
Crow: What a jerk-off.
He mocked my friend, David Gonterman in various fanfics.
Mike: Hey! I heard that Davey never even heard of this guy.
Tom: Yes, Cedric admired his forbidden passion from afar...
Mike: TOM!
Tom: What?
Being a passive-aggressive person myself, I never said anything bad.
Crow: So instead, you choose to drag us into it and badmouth him for the
next 30 pages. Real nice, Lamer Boy.
Tom:[cedric] It is all that foul demon Jamie's fault! In the name of an
obsolete Sega mascot that generated a fan following through its ABC
saturday morning cartoon show, I SHALL SMITE THEE!
But he took what is not rightfully his.
Crow: Oh, you mean like 'fanfics', or 'MiSTings'?
And now he deserves to pay.
Mike: Take a look inside Kenneth Starr's mind, everyone.
Note: This fic takes place at the "Mads on Mobius" setting
All:[groans]
Crow: Not Sonic...anything but that annoying furry...
(which I
know is
being discontinued, and I know that this isn't a Sonic fanfic, but
what's the
harm in bending the rules?)
All: PLENTY!
Courtesy of David Gonterman.
Tom: Gonterman's done MiSTs?
Crow: After G3:16, that makes him an even bigger asshole.
Note to all David-haters: The host segments are PROOFREAD, so no harm
done.
Mike: Which is basically the fanfic equivallent of 'color' as opposed to
'b+w'.
Crow: Ratliff had a proofreader too, and I'm not even going to go into
all the riffs we did on that...
********************************
Tom: Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.
(70's picture of the exterior SoL. Think Charlie's Angels. Cheap theme
music goes on in the background.)
Mike:[stunned silence]
Tom:I'd say the author is high, but then I'd be insulting the pot smokers
of the world.
Crow: It's better than the 80's at least.
Tom: It's the Theme from Mitchell!
(Caption: Satellite of Love)
Crow: No $#it, Sherlock.
(SoL. Mike runs by, pauses, turns around, and shoots obviously blank
shots
offscreen aimlessly. He continues running.)
Crow: I'll bet that looks familiar to you during Quake, eh Mike?
Mike: Hey!
(Caption: Starring Kevin Bacon as Michael J. Nelson)
All:[snickers]
Mike:[sarcastic] Brilliant casting, Cedric. I better get my acceptance
speech ready.
(Tom dashes, stumbles, and falls under the desk. A muffled "Ow" is
heard
in the background.)
Tom: Hey!
(Caption: With Rip Torn as Thomas Servo)
Tom: HEY!
(Gypsy, in the slinky dress we see in her one-woman show on "The Day
the Earth
Froze" runs past. A muffled "Ow" is heard in the background.)
(Caption: And Brooke Shields as the lovely Gypsy)
Crow: I only wish...
Mike: Crow...
(The background music stops. We hear a record scratch, then it begins
again.)
Tom: A-a-and it's DJ Nightbreak on the 'Spirit of St. Louis' turntable!
(Crow runs, stops, shoots a couple of obviously blank rounds
aimlessly, and
runs past. A muffled "Ow" is heard in the background.)
(Caption: And Rob Lowe as Crow T. Robot)
Crow: Okay, fine, it's supposed to be some stupid 70's cop parody. We get
the point already!
(Shot of a goal post in Wisconsin somewhere. Gypsy is wrapped around
one
end on the top. Pan out to see Mike sitting on the ground by the goal
post.)
Tom: That made absolutely no sense whatsoever.
Crow: Look familiar, Mike?
Mike: Actually, yes.
(Caption: Written by Tom Spistak)
Crow: At gunpoint, no doubt.
(Shot of two doors in an apartment. The doors open and Gypsy and Crow
enter,
one from each door. The doors smack into each other and Crow falls
down from
the momentum.)
(Caption: Directed by Robin Williams)
Mike: You know guys, if they put a little more description in this, it
might even be funny.
(Shot of Mike, Tom, Gypsy, and Crow collapsing on a park bench next to
a
fountain.)
Crow: Whew! Running around and acting like jackasses at a fanfic author's
whim is tiring.
Mike: And don't the Ranma 1/2 cast know it...
(Caption: Based on the comedy of Bobcat Goldthwait and Jeff Foxworthy)
Tom: Who share Cedric's trait of acting like a jackass for the occasional
amusement of others.
(Commercials)
Crow: Hey, it's another psychic ad!
(SoL. A TV is on the desk, Mike playing Sonic and Knuckles. Crow walks
in.)
Mike: Come on, now: is there any real reason that I'd be playing an old
lame 16 bit video game when I could be doing something productive, like
find a way off this satellite?
Crow: What'cha doing, Mikey?
Mike: Oh, watching a horrible excuse for a parody done in the MST3k
style; why?
Crow:[mike] Well, I was wondering what the deal was with that whole
'Sonic' deal a few years back. I still don't see the attraction.
Mike: SHHHH!!!! I'm working to defeat Metal Sonic!
Crow: Ooooooookay.......
Mike:[snorts] Now I _know_ it's not me.
Tom: When are Sonic fans going to finally let it go and move on?
(Tom hovers by.)
Tom: I'm headin' for the border!
Tom: What's shaking?
Crow: Our suspension of disbelief.
Tom: The line between this MiST being IC and OOC.
Mike: QUIET! I have to figure out his second stage!
Crow:[snicker] You're still on the second stage? Never mind this game is
a few years old...
Tom: Um..... yeah. Right.
(Tom and Crow turn away from Mike.)
Mike: You guys wouldn't turn away from me, would you?
Tom: Of course not, Mike.
[cue special family moment music from CBS friday night sitcoms]
Crow: Besides, who'd play Quake with us? Who'd give us ramchips?
Mike: Aww, thanks guys...
[group hug, then everyone goes back to their seats]
Crow: Uh, Mike? Let's never do that again.
Tom: It's serious. He has the Mobius Virus.
Tom: He actually thinks Sonic the Hedgehog is a legit furry, and not an
old fad with no hope of ever returning, thank Eris.
Crow: You mean he can't bear human children?
Crow: Yeah...Why haven't you borne children, Mike?
Mike: Erm...I'll explain after the MiST.
Tom: He can't do that anyway, Tom! He's a man!
Tom: Well, That's good and all, but why is my doppleganger scolding
himself?
Crow: Let's not dwell on that.
Crow: I knew that! It's a joke, stupid!
Crow: Exactly! The FF7 MiST was _also_ a joke! It was also actually
funny!
Tom: (Sighs) What this is, is more serious: The Mobius Virus causes
Nintendo
and Sony lovers to turn away from their respective systems and ignore
the
imitations, follow-ups, and sequels that Sega has made and buy an old,
used
Genesis with a couple of old Sonic games!
Mike: Luckily, it only targets lamers who don't know any better.
Tom: Like the author.
Crow: How do you know he has it?
Tom: He's been reading furry fanfics, Crow. And _liking_ it.
Crow: *gasp*
Tom: Remember a couple weeks ago when he was playing "Crash Bandicoot"
without
shame?
Mike: That's still better...
Crow: I remember that! How did he get it?
Crow: A plot contrievience that would make DJ Croft look up, gulp, and
say, 'What the bloody hell is that dumbarse rodent doing?!'
Tom: Well, you have to be surrounded by media pertaining to Sonic the
Hedgehog;
the comic, the games, the plushies, and BOTH series!
Crow:[angry] I don't believe this! Look, Sonic was a fun game, maybe 2
years or so ago! Now, it is a relic of the past, not even as current as
those freaking furries, so WILL YOU VIDEO GAME PLAYING REJECTS PLEASE GET
A LIFE?!!!
Mike: Calm down, Crow! Here, have a Bacon Pill!
[Mike gives Crow the pill; Crow calms down]
Crow: Wow! Um..... well..... is there a cure?
Tom: Yep. It's called 'real anime', and unlike Sonic, it doesn't suck
fur-covered behind...
Tom: It's a 48 hour bug. Folks, if you have any decency, take any
precautions
to avoid Sega's "Dreamcast." Knowing that it's developed by Sega and
Microsoft,
you know it'll manifest itself into your mind and expand the virus!
Mike: Knowing that it's from Microsoft alone will probably do that.
Crow: Maybe we'll get lucky, and they'll have a new mascot by then...
Crow: Yeah!
Mike: Almost...... NO! My last life!
Tom: Talk about your bad omens...
(Mobius. A 12-year-old male is sitting at a computer desk and typing.
Packbell
watches anxiously.)
Crow: -the hell?
Mike: Smile and nod, Crow; it's less painful that way.
Packbell: Wow! So you inject horror into other fans by posting bad
grammatical
errors in the form of a story?
Tom: Cedric Henry in a special cameo, tonight on 'Dumb Furries Theater,
6969!'
12-year-old: In a nutshell! And in order to attract a wide variety of
fans,
you can loosely base it on a fandom of some sort!
Mike: So _that_'s why people write Sonic fanfics; they're _trying_ to
hurt people.
Crow: And succeeding.
Mike: The moral of the story, kids, is Just Say NO to Sonic the
Fieldmouse.
Packbell: Amazing! I must look into this!
12-year-old: Excuse me. (To the camera) Mike, remember me?
Crow: I'm your illegitimate son.
(SoL)
Mike: Never seen you before in my life.
(Mobius. Packbell has called Snively and Robotnik to see.)
12-year-old: Here's a hint: It begins with "Samantha" and ends with
"Jones."
Tom: Oh, no...
Crow: Cedric, please tell me you would not stoop so low as to..
(SoL)
Mike: You're a *woman?*
Crow: It's Oscar!
Mike: D'OH!
Crow: Next time on Sonic the Hermaphrodite: Sonic teaches Miles a lesson
in love....
(Mobius)
12-year-old: NO, YOU IDIOT! It's JAMIE JEANS! I MADE FUN OF YOU!
Mike: Bullshit.
Crow: Mike! You - I can't believe it!
Mike: Well, it's the truth! Jamie actually wrote a fic for us in which we
escaped with Samantha, so Cedric needs to get his facts right.
Tom: Well, come _on_, Mike. Lamer Boy still watches Sonic the
Hermaphrodite, for crying out loud...
(SoL)
Crow: Who?
Mike: I was here. You were in Chrono Trigger.
Crow: Oh.
Crow: Now what the hell's going on?
Mike: I think this is one in a set of MSTs....
(Mobius)
Jamie: Yeah. I thought so.
Tom: Okay, let's establish a few things. First of all, Jamie is, in all
probability, in college, and was actually making fun of the _author_,
who's taking it out on all of us, even though he probably deserves it.
Mike: Well then, We've got a duty to riff this thing like there's no
tomorrow!
(SoL)
Mike: What? What did you think so?
Crow: THe proofreader wasn't getting his highs on life, lemme tell you...
(Mobius. The villains are talking and pointing at Jamie's computer.)
Crow:[villain#1] UNIX?!!
Tom: [villain#2] How do you work this magic typewriter?
Jamie: I have taken control of the camera just for today to send you
three
one of my fics. It's called "The Death of Davey Krockett," and I hope
it's
painful.
Mike: No, it's 'The Death of David Kintobor', a character even
_Gonterman_'s ashamed of as a first effort.
Crow: This is not Jamie...this is not Jamie...
(Snively walks up to Jamie.)
Snively: Jamie, will you join our club?
Jamie: Um..... okay.....
Tom:[yokel voice] Aww, Oh-Kay!
(Jamie presses ENTER.)
(SoL. Movie sign.)
Mike: Woah. Deja Vu.
(6.....5.....4.....3.....2.....@.....)
Tom: Here we go again...
MARCH 4 1998
Crow: A date that will live on in indifference, except for a nerdly
12-year old named Cedric Henry...
This is just a little thing I'm putting in here in order to get
Mike: A life. This *is* Jamie Jeans, after all.
Mike: Why doesn't Lamer Boy get a life?
Tom: Yeah, instead of flaming someone through evil clones of us.
some things off my chest. First off, I am doing this because the
fictional
character of David Kintobar deserves to die.
Crow: As well as every _other_ lamer on the net, like, say, the first
MSTer of this fic...
I won't say anything like
that about the author because I am simply not that kind of person.
Tom: Yeah! He's got _some_ decency, unlike Lamer Boy!
Second of all, I would like to extend my greatest apologies to
anyone who has read David Gonterman's pieces of work unMSTied.
Mike: We would like to extend _our_ greatest apologizes to whoever had
read _this_ before we could _funk_it_up_...
Tom: The only way you can apologize is if you wrote the work yourself.
Crow: Maybe Jamie moonlights as Davey!
Crow: What the f^ck are they talking about?
Tom: Maybe Cedric moonlights as a drag queen...ugh.
If you have not read too much of it then you won't go insane.
Crow: Obviously, Jamie has read maybe a bit too much himself.
Mike: Well, he _has_ MSTed over 60 fics altogether, with our help...
Third, I would like to extend my greatest thanks to Michael
Surbrook, aka Susano, for allowing me to use his
Mike: Magic Ticket.
Crow:RPG stats.
Mike: I'm guessing "computer."
Tom: "House."
Crow: "Girlfriend."
Mike: (Through clenched teeth) Easy, easy.... Crow's just being who
he is....... avoid the cliche'......
Mike: Here, I got it covered, evil clone; Crow....
character Shion Nys,
Crow: It's the Empress! Hooray!
Tom: Gesundheit!
>from the Kazei
Tom: Gesundheit!
Mike: Woah....Evil Tom's a Nazi.
Tom:[defensively] He is not!
Five campaign world, in this story.
Fourth, to David Gonterman, get some help. Preferably in the
form of a Military boot to the head.
Mike: Do him a favor and *meet* him first.
Tom: Unlike Cedric, who has always had a crush on Davey but could never
get the nerve to confess his true feelings...
Crow: He just contradicted what he said in three paragraphs! Ow!
Crow: Whatever, Evil Crow.
Now, on with the
Crow: Failed attempt at a MiSTing!
Crow: Failed attempt at poignancy!
story!
Crow: That would be my next guess.
Crow: THat would be my next guess. ;-}
__________________________________________________________
THE DEATH OF DAVID KINTOBAR
Tom: I know a Kinto *bor*, but no Kinto *Bar*!
Tom: Yes, KintoBars are full of chocolatey Mobian goodness...
BY: Jamie
Tom: Jamie 'The Dublin Hammer' Jeans.
Crow: More like Jamie 'Caffeine Fiend' Jeans.
Crow: (Jamie, in amazement) You got it!
Tom: Um...Crow, what the hell is your dopple talking about?
Crow: Probably something the author thought was funny and insulting.
Mike:[cedric, dumb] Duuuh, heheh, mm, I'm funny, duuhh heh heh....
Jeans
Mike: Jamie, by Levi's.
Crow:[groans] You just couldn't resist, could you Mike?
Mike: What? But - it wasn't me -
The man, dressed in black pants, shirt, and trench coat,
Crow: To cover up the tank top, sports bra, and bikini briefs
underneath.....
Tom: Well, isn't that cute. Cedric's crossdressing again...
ran at full speed along the street, cursing the water
Tom: I never heard of _that_ sort of Jyusenkyo Curse....
Mike: (Man) Stupid water!
Tom: Yeah water, you're so stupid!
that had gotten into his boots from the pouring rain. Crossing the
cracked and ruined street, he stopped just outside the bar
Crow: 'The Mended Drum'.
Tom: 'Mos Eisley Cantina'.
Tom: Kintobar?
Mike: Tom, your dopple's making no sense again!
Tom:[defensively] That's the _author_'s influence, thank you very much!
to catch his breath.
Tom: His breath was very quick, though......
Tom: That's better...
"Lovely weather eh,"
Crow: (Minnesotan) Just a normal summer in Minnesota. Straight winds
coming
about every day.
he remarked to the towering figure that was probably the bouncer.
Tom:[joel] Mystery Date, come on in...
Crow:[bouncer] Are you tryin' to pick me up, or somethin', punk?!
Mike:[man] Uh, no-
Crow:[bouncer, furious] That's it!
[various sounds of a man being pounded by a bouncer are heard.]
Mike: (Raoul Julia) Die, Fat Man! I am in Interface!
Crow: Gah! I don't need to be reminded of that, Evil Mike Clone!
"Indeed," the big man rumbled, "Check your weapons at the
register before going in."
Mike: The man's weapons consisted of a pair of tweezers, a Kefka fanfic,
and sarcasm; truly dangerous weapons.
Crow: The bouncer checked them off, and sent the man on his way with a
playful bludgeoning...
The bouncer looked unarmed, but his massive
build and armored limbs seemed to indicate that he didn't need a gun.
Tom: Of course, the large double sided battle axe, assorted tattoos on
his flesh, and general 'eff with me and I'll rip you a new one' attitude
also helped.
Crow: So, just for the heck of it, the man shot him.
Mike:[deadpan] Ha,ha. Funny.
Crow: Let's just get through the friggin' introduction's already...
The drenched man smiled nervously
Tom: (Nervous) Eh heh heh, heh........
Tom: You can practically imagine the sweatdrop on the side of his head,
huh?
and quickly handed his small
(Mike covers Crow's eyes)
Crow: Oh no; not another slash fic!
Mike: Good thinking ahead, Evil Clone Me!
pistol to the gum-chewing woman who lounged behind the gun-check
counter.
Tom:[woman, brooklyn accent] Ah, I seen biggah pistols....
Mike: With the bouncer completely ignoring the bazooka strapped to his
back, he
went in.
Crow: Not to mention the hardsuit, gas grenades, sharp sticks, copies of
the unMSTed American Kitsune series, Mihoshi, a randomly picked SI named
Chris, and other implements of mass distruction.
Walking into the nightclub known throughout the 'Zone as
Crow: The Yellow Banana, he saw Nigel and the gang playing "Big
Bottom."
Mike: The Avalanche Hideout, Cloud greeted Tifa at the bar.
Tom: The Gasworks, where Wayne saw Cassandra for the first time.
Tom: The drunken harlot, he pulled out an uzi and sprayed a few shots
into the air, Wolf-style. That got everyone's attention quickly.
Mike:[man] Anyone want to buy my gun?
Crow: No one's going to get this ref _ever_...
93 Underground, he glanced over the
Crow: -Exotic Dancers.
Tom: -Ridiculously done versions of the MST3k crew, in a drawn out and
unfunny MST that seems targeted and nothing but insulting Jamie Jeans and
Samantha Jones...
Mike: -Demon spawn.
Tom: -furry freaks which scurried around these parts.
Tom: Pile of dead.......
gathered patrons. Satisfied that the
Mike: -premise was finally getting somewhere-
Crow: bellydance he so desperately wanted was on its way.....
person he needed to talk to wasn't there, he went to the bar and took
a
Tom -killing spree through the club, finally pushed over the edge by all
the bad riffing.
Mike:[man, singing] Hear the voices in my head / I swear to God It sounds
like they're laughing...
Crow: Lap dance.
Mike: (Clenched teeth) Double header, just let him do what he
wants.... for
now.....
Mike: Nuh-Uh, Evil Mike! You've gotta have zero tolerance...
seat.
Crow: Oh.
"What will it be," the bartender asked.
Mike:[man] It'll be a Borellian White Lightning, on the rocks.
"Uh... Just a ginger ale please?
Crow:[sarcasm mode] Oh, _that_'s macho.
Tom: (Sunny) And.... a Ginger Soda. Thank you.
I'm, uh, waiting for someone," he replied.
Mike: (Nervous) Yeah, that's it.....
Tom: I sense...impending crossover...
"You are?" the bartender gave him an inquitive look,
"Who?"
Tom: Mary, Queen of Scots.
Crow: The four horses of the apocalypse.
Mike: Eric Bischoff.
Crow: (Bartender) Me?
"The Empress."
All: DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!!!
Crow: Well, _that_ sounds familiar...
Tom: I think the first crossover is on its way...
The bartender arched an eyebrow and handed him his ginger
ale. "She'll be in later." He pointed to a far booth, "That's her
usual
seat."
Crow: A _booth_, eh? Sounds like 'The Empress' has been working for the
man, if you know what I-
Mike: Crow, stop it.
Tom: (Man) Oh, what the hell. Give me three beers.
It was five hours later
Mike: And three kegs of pure alcohol later.....
when The Empress
Crow: Zeal waited for the Mammon machine to be finished.
Tom: Crow, your evil twin is making an obscure ref!
Crow:[irritated] That's why he's my _evil_ twin, gumball boy.
finally showed up, dressed regally in her black body suit, white
clamshell armor and
billowing cloak.
Tom: Hey, it's Iria.
Crow: Or Gally.
Tom: (Snickers) She's dressed like Cherri Tart!
Tom: What?! You are no evil spawn of mine, pal!
Her knee-length white hair swished from side to side side
Mike: Oh. It's Shion. Good thing I stopped you from making that lewd
comment before, huh Crow?
Mike: Side side side side side side side side side.
as she scanned the room and spotted the young man sitting at the bar.
Crow: Wayne Campbell.
Walking over to him, she simply stood and stared at him, displaying
all
the emotion of a computer monitor.
Tom:[shion, monotone] I am unharmed.
Crow: Ick...An NgE/Kazei 5 fic just seems wrong.
Mike: With scenes from "General Hospital" on the screen.
"I assume," she said icily, " you are my contact."
Crow:[shion]
Tom: (Empress) So let me put you in my eye.
Tom: That can be taken two ways, evil Tom.
Mike: Tom! You've been reading the CALF MST again, haven't you?
Tom: Better that than this. At least they were funny.
The man turned to face her and nodded, gulping slightly as
he realized how poorly the pictures he'd seen conveyed her true
appearance.
Crow:[man] GOD, you're a hottie!
Tom: Somewhere, Flashman is laughing...
Tom: She looked quite a bit like Abe, the Mudokon!
Beautiful didn't begin to describe her.
Mike: "Ugly" came to mind when he looked at her.
Mike: If's that's your opinion, than you obviously have never seen any of
her pics. I'd send you one, but I have too much contempt for your
pigheaded creator, evil clone.
"You contacted me via my e-mail drop about a job," Shion
glanced down at the man, "What would it be?"
Crow:[man] Well; my pal's bachelor party's coming up...
Tom:[shion] 30 million nuyen.
Crow:[man] Sold!
Mike:[shakes head] Guys, guys....
Crow: (Empress) Pick up my dry cleaning and call the vet!
The man gulped again. He had
Tom: Overactive salivary glands.
also not fully realized just how imposing a figure she was in person.
Crow: There's a reason they call her 'The Empress', buddy...
Mike: Crow...
"An ass
Mike: (Empress) Is what you will make of yourself!
Crow: Well, it's nice to know at least the 'ass' jokes will be taken care
of...
assination of a young man, a troublesome superhero, to be
Tom: More like 'grandstanding, insulting, pigheaded redneck of a
superhero'...
Tom: Yet a pretty nice guy in the long run......
Tom: Oh, shut up Lamer Boy.
precise. As of late, his recent activities in various fanfics have
gained an infamous air
Mike: Pugh! Light a match!
Crow: Well, Davey's fanfics sure do smell like crap, at least...
about them. I represent these people who would be most
grateful for his *untimely* demise," he explained.
Tom: (Empress) All two of them!
Tom: More like all 500 of them...
"Wetwork..." Shion looked at the man sharply, "And just
what makes his work so terrible as to require his death?"
"His fanfics are terribly done,
Mike: A bit vague, aren't we, Jamie?
Mike: Nope.
Crow: They're just plain terrible, that's all...
Tom: Sort of like the original MST...
with badly made crossovers
with himself as the main hero of the story."
Crow: HEY! His grammar and spelling has improved! Are you just
referring to
"Blood and Metal" and "Sailor Moon USA?"
Crow: No, we're also referring to Mobius Chronicles, American Kitsune,
Star Mech joins the WWF, the Rangers of NIMH, and all the rest of his
skunky works.
Tom: But at least he never MSTed something just to get back at the
author...
"There are plenty of superhero's
Tom: What does this superhero own?
in such fanfics... I've *seen* several myself. How is this man's
Mike: This man's WHAT?
Mike: Got a point, there.
any different?"
Tom: Oh, he's a furry loving homophobic redneck who portrays everyone as
OOC. Nothing wrong with that, right?
The young man paused. What he was about to say was sure
to disgust her immensely.
Mike: (Man) Will you go out with me?
Tom:[man] You realize that Cedric Henry's going to riff this...
"In the story, the author, who is a kind of
freelance cyborg Power Ranger, shape shifts into a fox from time to
time..."
"You're wasting my time," Shion growled
Crow: Woah! Shion's a furry!
Tom: Hmm...Shion as a white leopardess...I _like_ that mental image...
and turned to
walk away.
Crow: She got tired of it halfway through, and decided to just call it
a
day.
"and sleeps with Sailor Moon."
Shion stopped, a barely suppressed shudder shaking her
entire body.
Crow: Wow!
Mike: CROW!
Turning back to the him, she flashed him
Tom: Whoa!
Mike: Ick!
Crow: Wow!
Crow: Oh, get your minds outta the gutter.
[All, even the other M+TB, stop and stare at Crow.]
Crow:What?
a cold, predatory smile.
Tom: Oh.
Mike: Well.
Crow: Hmmm.
"Tell me more."
* * *
David Kintobar, dressed in
Tom: A fuku, since he had lost a bet to Ed Becerra during a precarious
drinking game...
Mike: Jamie
jeans,
All:[snickers]
t-shirt, sneakers, and
a belt buckle with his power morpher on it, walked outside his home to
collect the morning newspaper,.
Tom:[davey] Ah yes, 'The Redneck Times - special Gay-bashing Sunday
edition'.
Crow: (Beavis) Wait a second! I may be a TV-watching moron, but a
comma
next to a period makes absolutely no sense!
Crow: Is that an actual quote from the show?
Tom: Knowing Lamer Boy, it probably isn't.
"What a beautiful day today. Just like the day they
dropped the bomb on Hiroshima,"
Tom: (Davey) Ha ha, I remember that day. What fun I had.
Tom: AHA! HE ADMITS IT! IT WAS HIM-
Mike: Easy, Tom!
[wrestles Tom to the ground, forces Bacon Pills down his beak.]
Tom:Oh...Now I feel better. Thanks Mike.
Mike: No problem.
Mike: What a coincidence! We got a bomb here right now!
Crow: Even the MSTing team agrees that Cedric's riffs suck rectum.
he said, picking up the newspaper and walking back inside.
His peaceful ass
Tom: As opposed to a furious, berserk, bloodthirsty ass.
Crow: (Sarcasm) Oh, thank you for that wonderful picture.
essment of weather was rudely interrupted
when the roof of his house, as well as the upper floor, was ripped
away
in a spray of splinters and wallboard dust and thrown onto the street.
Tom: During his daily visit to the can, Star Mech forgot all about the 8
bean burritos he had eaten the night before...
Mike: (Davey) How rude!
"Holy s***!
Tom:[kinto] Star Mech ripped one again! That's the third time this week!
Crow:[star mech] *urp*...Man, we need to stop going to Taco Bell...
Mike: Shot?
Crow: Ship?
Tom: Song?
Crow: Guys, he obviously means shi-
Mike:[grabs Crow's beak for a second]
Who would be stupid enough to do something
like that to *me*,"
Crow: Davey may look idiotic in his fanfics, but he is not pompous!
Crow: Yeah, Jamie! He may be a complete asshole who manages to write the
most contrived and rascist and sexist things possible, but he is never
openly pompous!
he shouted, holding up one hand to protect his face
Tom: (Davey) Owieowieowieowieowieowie!
>from flying debris.
That was when a bolt of pure force slammed into his
chest, propelling the cyborg out into the street.
Tom: And Star Mech fires off a second salvo of salacious flatuence!
"You dare to call me stupid? Me? Shion Nys, the
Empress? Now you truly do deserve to die," Shion said coldly.
Crow: Now, take a look at Shion. Sure, she acts very self centered, but
she actually has a backstory and personality to back it up!
"Look lady, I don't know who the f***
Mike: No, please, it's "Phrack."
Crow: No, it's Fu-
Mike:[clamps down crow's beak] Stop that!
you are but you just bought yourself a whole heap of trouble," David
said, reaching for his power morpher.
Tom:[David] 'Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected!'
"I suppose I'll have give you a fighting chance," Shion
replied with a slight sigh. "After all, I need a *brief* stint of
exercise after traveling so far."
Crow:[Shion] 'You bastard, try this melon!'
Mike: You guys have been playing with those Fauth boys again, haven't
you...
"Prepare to lose like the Japanese did in World War
Two,"
Tom: Mike, from what you know, does Davey always reminisce about the
Japanese
for no good reason?
Mike: Yeah. He had the gall to point it out to Rabbit in part 2 or so.
Mike: Um....... no, I don't think so.
Tom: I didn't think so, either.
Tom:[tiredly] That's because the author's never read a Gonterman fanfic
before, and is just using this to flame Jamie, yadda yadda freakin'
yadda.
(Tom lunges toward the screen and pokes a hole in the screen)
Tom: TAKE THAT, FANFIC!!!
Mike:...
Crow: Well, that had absolutely none of the energy or imagination of the
theater destruction scene at the end of the 'Trilogy of Trash' MST...In
fact, it was a completely futile gesture.
David shouted as he went through his transformation.
A glint of power shined in Shion's eyes. "I think not,
Mr. Kintobor."
Crow: I thought it was Kinto "Bar!"
* * *
The fight, to say the least, was hardly into it's second
minute and David was on his knees, panting heavily and holding his
broken cyborg arm. Sparks and hydraulic fluid leaked from it, making
him wince
in pain.
Crow: Yay!
All:[cheer]
Mike: And why not? It's a basically *inanimate* object that was never
attached to him in the first place!
Mike: No, evil Mike, you see, a cyborg arm works by being attached to its
wearer, which you'd know if Lamer Boy wasn't such a conniving bitc-
Tom:Easy there, Mike.
"Now prepare to die," he shouted, clumsily taking out
his Zordon 16.
Crow:[david] 'I'll cut your fats out, don't you believe it?!'
Crow: (Zordon) Alpha? Tommy? Billy? Where are you?
Shion merely stood there, unfazed by both his words and
the plasma shots that slammed harmlessly into her telekinetic shields.
Tom: So..... Jamie, all you've proven is that Davey here can't stand a
chance against Shion. Why?
Tom: Because Davey is, and I quote here, "a lame-o."
Crow: Even Gonterman's ashamed of this guy.
"You're boring me Mr. Kintobar," Shion yawned, "Now, I
think you should prepare to
Crow: (Shion) Spin plates on your nose!
die."
Mike: Yep! I get it!
David's plasma gun was suddenly ripped from his hands
Mike: I KNOW!
Mike: Um, Evil clone, could you quiet down? You're ruining it for us.
and crushed in into a small ball before being tossed away. Then he
began to
Crow: Party like it was 1979!
All:[laugh]
Mike: Okay, HE'S DEAD!
Mike: That doesn't mean you have to spoil it for us...
choke as fingers of psychokinetic force wrapped themselves about his
Crow:[gasp]
Mike: Crow, no!
Mike: WE SAW THE TITLE!
Tom: Shut up! I'm calling the usher!
throat and lifted him into the air. Unable to breathe, he had no
Mike: WE KNEW FROM THE BEGINNING!
Mike: Than why are you making such a fuss?
[Usher comes in from side aisle]
Usher: Um, sir, you're distracting the other viewers, so if you could
just maybe quite down a bit...
alternative but to escape. Concentrating, he shifted into his fox form
Mike: You know what, Fanfic? Bite me.
(Mike leaves the theater)
All:[cheer]
[Usher leaves]
Crow: I don't care if that was supposed to be some stupid sign of
rebellion: now we can watch the carnage without interruptions!
All:[cheer] Yay!
and fell free, running as soon as he had touched the ground.
"Pathetic,"
Tom: Pathetic. Let's go with that word, shall we?
Tom: Sure! David Gonterman -PATHETIC! Cedric Henry - PATHETIC!
Shion shook her head and gestured with one
hand, easily recapturing the man with her telekinetic power.
Tom: Oh, please! YES, SHION CAN DESTROY DAVEY AND SONIC AND THE WORLD!
WE KNOW! DON'T SHOVE IT IN OUR FACES SO MUCH!
Crow: Actually, please do. We've been waiting for this furry freak to get
what he deserves for a while!
Holding him up in the air, Shion thought for a few
moments, thinking of an appropriate way to eliminate the man.
Crow: (Mortal Kombat) FINISH HIM!
However, her dour mood at his inability to put up resistance of any
kind quickly
doused any creativity on her part.
"Oh well," she shrugged, "sometimes the best ways are
the simple ways."
Tom: So she stabbed him in the heart?
Tom: That would be cool...
With a twist of psychokinetic energy, she snapped her
target's neck.
Crow: Darn. I was hoping she'd rip him apart, 'Phoenix' style...
Crow: <Davey-kins> *Jumps out of Shion185's grip and kills her*
Tom: <Shion> LOL
Tom: Whatever....
Dropping the limp body to the ground, she watched with
disinterest as it shifted back into a naked young man with burnt and
twisted cyborg parts.
All: [cheer] Yay!!
Crow: (Shion) I hate naked 21 year old males! Phooey!
"I can't believe I asked for half a million nuyen
Tom: So.... it's a thousand dollars for a man's life. Gotcha.
Tom: Nooo, it's 500,000 *nuyen*. ^_^
For this job. It was so easy I could have done this for free! But, I
do have an
image to maintain."
Crow: So Shion's a Turk.
Tom: Basically.
Mike: Nope, she's a card-carrying Glorious Lady of Anime.
Pausing only a moment to rip off the deceased David's
cyborg arm, Shion vanished.
Tom:[shion] Might as well bring Marta a souveneir...
* * *
(Mike walks in)
Mike: Sorry, I just had to cool off for a minute.
Mike: Yeah, right. If you ask me, he had to get some air so the Bots
wouldn't see him cracking up at Davey trying to pathetically defend
himself.
"So is he dead?" the man asked.
Mike: (Shion) No, he's just sleeping!
Mike:[shion] No, the second he saw me he got a nosebleed, screamed like
a girl, ran, and tripped on a yard rake, so after I gave him a wedgie, I
ripped off his arm.
Shion nodded and placed the cyborg arm on the table.
The pair were sitting in Shion's customary booth in 93
Underground, going over the job.
Crow: Hey...
Mike: Crow...
Tom: Jamie has yet to master the "Enter" button.
Tom: Cedric has yet to master the art of not being a jack-ass.
"I take it he wasn't much of a challenge," he said.
"Hardly. A single Puma in full combat dress
Mike: (Man) Who normally fights Donald Pleasance......
Tom: Ugh...Puma Man/Sonic The Hermaphrodite xover...[shudders]
would have more exercise then that pathetic excuse for a man."
"Thank you, Miss Nys. As per our arrangement, here is
Crow: YOUR LIFE!!!!!
All: (Applause noises)
Tom: On a very special 'Kazei 5'.
500,000 nuyen
Crow: Isn't it wrong how Jamie halves the agreed amount within 20
lines?
Crow: Isn't it wrong how Cedric used this fic to try and attack Jamie?
and a Victoria's Secret coupon book." He handed her a small briefcase.
"You're welcome. If you ever need to do business with
me again, you know how to contact me,"
Tom: The HENTAI SIGNAL!
Tom: I thought the Hentai Signal was owned by Oscar...
Shion said, taking the briefcase from him.
"Certainly. But may I ask one question before we part
ways?"
"Yes...."
Mike: (Man) Would you sleep with me?
"Why the Victoria's Secret coupon book? You've got more
then enough money to not have worry about savings."
Shion shrugged, "It's not for me, it's for my sister.
Crow: (Nervous Shion) Heh heh, yeah..... that's it........
Crow: Mmm...Marta...[gets dreamy look]
Mike: Crow?! Snap out of it!
She said she wanted to get something nice for Ling Ling for her
birthday."
Before the man could respond, a radio tucked into one
pocket of his trench coat crackled to life.
"Come on Mike! Ask her to ask her sister to go out with
me," came a voice.
Tom: I knew it!
Mike: I only wish I could get Shion to assassinate Oscar...
Mike: Mmm?
Crow: Just the incredulous attempt at injecting humor into this
story.....
Tom: It's still funnier than _your_ pathetic MST ever will be..
"Excuse me a moment..." Mike fiddled around in the
pocket of his coat before pulling the radio out out. "Shut up, Crow,"
he
hissed into it.
Mike: HEY!
Mike: I have never hissed before in my life, and never hope to!
"Would you get off the radio?" came a second voice over
the radio.
Mike: Well..... maybe it's a different Crow!
Crow: Like Brandon Lee!
Tom: Sort of like how you guys are twisted clones of us.
"Oh let me speak to her Tom... please?"
"No! And besides, we have to get Mike back before evil
and company find out that he's gone," Tom said.
Shion merely arched an eyebrow at this as Mike J. Nelson
hastily took up the cyborg arm and rushed out of the nightclub.
Mike: What a beautiful day it would be, lemme tell you...
Mike: Wait..... so I ordered Shion to kill a guy who I think is
actually
halfway decent?
Mike: No, you ordered Shion to kill a guy we both hate, but Cedric has a
crush on.
Crow: In a nutshell.
(They file out)
(@.....2.....3.....4.....5.....6.....Click-Chunk)
Crow: Well, now that _that_'s over [starts to leave]
Mike: Not so fast, bud. We still have the crapfic finale...
Mike: Well, that was awful.
Crow: If you want to kill off a character, wait for the author's
consent
first.
Tom:[sarcasm] Oh yeah, _that_'ll work...
Tom: Well, I thought about this before, and decided to write such a
fanfic
to relieve us all. Roll 'em, Cambot!
Tom: I'd like *relieve* myself on this MST...
THE DEATH OF SAMANTHA JONES
BY CEDRIC HENRY
[moment of shock]
Tom: Cedric...you sick rat bastard!
Mike: In case you forgot, Samantha went through quite a few MSTs
together...
SOL BRIDGE
6:00 PM CENTRAL
After watching "A very special FF7 Thanksgiving Dinner," I just
couldn't take it. I sat through lemons, fanfics, and MiSTings, and I
think
that was when I, Samantha Jones, lost it.
Tom: Figures that a Lamer Boy fic would push her over the edge...
Mike and the 'Bots watched in horror as I pulled a six-shooter
>from my pocket. Crow was munching on a tasty
chocolate-syrup-marshmallow
sandwich.
"I can't take it anymore!" I shouted, "It doesn't make sense!
Nothing makes sense! And if it does it's all gotta stop!"
Crow:[groan] Oh, _very_ original Lamer Boy...
"Samantha?" Tom said in astonishment.
"Put the gun down, Samantha." Mike said in bemusement.
"Can I have more marshmallows on my sandwich?" Crow said in hunger.
"CROW!" Mike yelled.
"Sorry!"
"There's nobody in charge. Forrester runs everything and nothing
works! I have no control and, unlike YOU, Jul- I mean, Mike,
Crow:[groans] Jeez.. get a life Lamer Boy!
Mike: Yeah. The fact that you're envious of a guy who probably is on the
other side of the earth who writes internet stories better than you is
sad and pathetic.
I am SICK
and TIRED of running from him!" I put the gun to my head. "I'm gonna
do
it!"
Okay, here's the part in the story where I throw the gun away and
have this cathartic revelation that suicide's wrong, that life's worth
living, everything's O.K........ you know, all that crap.
Who cares? I pulled the trigger.
Crow: And it's over-[starts to leave]
Mike: Get back here...
That's when I woke up.
In a sweat-soaked nightmare, I had dreamt that I, Jamie Jeans, was
a redhead named Samantha Jones. Sam was a girl in my seventh-grade art
class that I had a total crush on. After several attempts at asking
her
out, she finally said to me that she would think about it. A year has
passed, and she still hasn't replied. Oh well.
The End
Tom: Well, isn't that funny, since Cedric Henry is a seventh-grade art
class reject who has a total crush on David Gonterman, but since he can't
have him, everyone must pay!
Tom: So, what do you think?
Mike: Four stars!
Tom: And, of course, Jamie can't complain, because he did EXACTLY the
same
thing to Dave!
Mike: You really are evil, aren't you?
Mike: You're not evil, Cedric. You just suck.
Crow: Yeah!
Tom: In fact...
All: BITE US, LAMER BOY!
(Mike hits Mads light)
(Mobius. Jamie is sitting a desk, typing at his computer; he has an
evil
look on his face. Packbell, Snively, and Robotnik watch eagerly.)
Jamie: No time to talk, Nelson, but I am about to post my SECOND Meta-
Misting: FF7: The Special Edition! BWAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!
Crow: You know, Cedric's such a jealous piddling little punk it's not
even funny at this point!
Tom: Look, he MSTed your fic! Fine! It sucked anyway, Lamer Boy! Get over
it!
Crow: And while you're at it, get over Gonterman, since he's not into
that!
Tom, Crow:[stops to catch breath]
Mike: Crow, Tom...you guys okay?
Tom: Yeah, I'm fine. It's just that this guy pisses us off a lot.
Crow: Ditto.
Mike: Well, guys, if you promise to riff the rest of the fic as best as
you can, I'll get you guys a surprise that'll make it all better later!
Crow: Promise?
Mike: Promise.
Tom: Alright. Now, let's rip this sucker open!
(A robot arm clamps down on his shoulder. Laughing immediately stops.
Zoom out to see a red fox in his twenties. Guess who?)
Tom: A figment of the MSTer's rather stale imagination.
Davey: Hello. Remember me?
Crow: AHHHHH!!!
Tom: It's The Furry That Just Won't Die..
Mike: Nobody tell Oneshot...
(Davey squeezes Jamie's shoulder until it breaks. Think "Starship
Troopers."
Jamie falls to the floor, unable to move.)
Davey: Think of me when you look to the night sky.
(Davey pumps some shots into Jamie with his cyborg arm.)
Davey: Well, guys?
Tom: Yeah, right. Jamie would've had you on the floor with his buzzer
attack.
Crow: Actually do some research next time, Lamer Boy.
(SoL. Mike watches in awe.)
Mike: Wow. How did you become..... not evil?
Crow: I thought Mike had killed you. What's the deal?
Tom: Yeah! I want my admission back! I paid 7. freakin' 50 to see Davey
die!
Mike: Um..Tom...
(Mobius. Davey stands triumphant.)
Davey: I am a friend of Cedric Henry, author of this MiST. He used his
powers to heal me!
Tom: Jeez. Cedric _does_ have a crush on Davey.
(SoL)
Mike: Um...... he has no powers. We weren't even aware that he
existed!
Mike: Ditto, evil clone!
(Mobius. The villains are eyeing Davey in surprise.)
Davey: Don't sweat it. Neither flames, or viruses, or black of spam
shall
keep me from my appointed rounds!
Tom: Davey Kintobor _is_ the 18th angel in NEON EXODUS EVANGELION!
Crow: Judging where that story is going, I wouldn't be surprised.
(Fade to black.)
Davey: Cool, huh?
Mike: Hell, no.
E-mail me with questions, comments, flames, hate mail, spam, viruses,
cash
donations, human feces, and letter bombs can be sent to
Henrykid@Paulbunyan.net
Tom: Crow, get the mailbombs.
Crow: Aye,aye cap'n.
Jamie, if you read this, my apologies.
Mike: Well, at least he's being mature...
JUST KIDDING! MiST "The Death of Sam Jones," I dare ya!
Crow: Well, pal, since Jamie's busy MSTing many, many more fics - not to
mention the *movie* _showgirls_, he gave us permission, so piss off!
Speaking of which...... Sam Jones's speech by Sam Kieth, known for his
legendary comic, "The Maxx!" (His brother produces "Cow and Chicken!")
Crow: I knew it! I knew Cedric ripped Kieth off!!
So SHUT UP, JAMIE!
All: So GROW UP, LAMER!!
Mike: And that's it. Let's get outta here...
[doorway sequence in reverse]
[SoL Main Bridge]
[Mike and Company enter the bridge.]
Crow: Jeez. Mike, I know we might have a bias towards Jamie, but come on!
He's done about 20 times the MSTs Cedric has done, and written a lot more
fanfics.
Tom: Yeah, Mike. I mean, Gonterman's never even heard of Lamer Boy
before. This whole thing stems from some other MST of Cedric's fanfic a
while ago, and Cedric still hasn't gotten over it.
Mike: Well guys, I know this one came right after 'Devil Fish', and I
understand how you might be feeling bitter, so I worked out something
with the guys down on Earth.
[Camera pans out, and we can the Stony monitor on the counter.]
Mike: I would like to proudly present: The Death of Cedric Henry.
[Camera zooms in on TV; then switches to the TV's view...]
+++++++++++
THE DEATH OF CEDRIC HENRY
By: Captain Bungie
Cedric Henry worked on his new MST of on of Jamie 'Jolt' Jeans' MSTings.
"This might seem a little harsh to sam...but hey, all in the name of
*fun*, right?" he cackled as he wrote the overdone, harsh, and rather
lewd 'Samantha vs. Tentacles' bit for his MST of the SailorMoon vs. Final
Fantasy MSTs...
There was a knocking at the door. Cedric ignored it.
He continued to giggle evilly as he wrote in new, crueler ways to make
fun of Jamie's characters, even as the knocking on the door got louder.
<After all, you did the same to me,>
Cedric hypocritically justified.
By this point, the knocking had gotten _loud_, and Cedric realized that
it wasn't a knock on the door.
It was a battering ram.
The door shattered into sawdust, and a figure strode into the room. He
was a very tall human (over six feet), wearing combat boots, cutoff jean
shorts, and a T-shirt. Even though Cedric had never met this person
before, it was the T-shirt that identified him. The
Japanese Tenchi Muyo logo on the front, little lightning-bolt
symbols on the sleeves, and a picture of a can of Jolt cola on the back.
It was Jamie Jeans.
And, as Cedric leaped away from his computer in shock, he realized that
Jamie wasn't alone.
>From behind him, walking out from the sawdust like a hazy nightmare, was
Shion Nys and Samantha Jones. And from behind them -
Cedric didn't take the time to see who was behind there. He ran for an
exit.
Jamie turned. "Shion, if you would please...?"
Shion made no sign that she heard. However, a few seconds later, Cedric
flew through the air and slammed against the wall. He slid to the ground,
moaning in pain.
They waited until he was trying to get back up, on his feet. Then,
Samantha walked up to him, looked down at him disdainfully, and kicked
expertly at a pressure point on his thigh.
Cedric felt a numbing sensation at first, and then exquisite pain as the
muscles in his leg clenched up. "It's broken!" Cedric croaked.
"It's broken! You broke-"
Shion kicked him in the side of the head, knocking him back to the ground
and causing him to squeal in pain.
"Shut up," she advised.
By now, the last two members of this little expedition had come through.
First was Samantha's younger brother Alex, a wiry, well built, silver
haired young man. Then came the final person, a bulky, tall(but not quite
as tall as Jamie) man in his old field hardsuit - Former Coalition Naval
Captain Bungie.
It was Bungie who asked, "Are you guys gonna torture him some more, or
what? I don't think I need to remind you all how busy we all are."
"Yeah, sure, Cap," Jamie said distractedly. Then, he looked at the two
women and one man: two of which were his creation. "Look, I'd like to
talk to Cedric. Alone."
The trio, all of which train warriors, simply nodded, one by one, and
left out the door.
Bungie soon followed.
Out of the haze of dark, dehabilitating pain, Cedric could hear Jamie
crack his knuckles very clearly. In fact, it seemed to echo through his
mind.
"Now," Jamie said as he advanced on Cedric, "Let's have our little talk."
-=|/{THE END}\|=-
[The camera goes back to the SoL, where the guys are looking at the blank
screen, than each other.]
Crow: Um...Well, Mike, that was nice, if not a little creepy...
Tom: But hey, I still think Lamer Boy deserved it.
Crow: Yeah.
[Mad Light flashes]
Mike: Well, what do you think, sirs?
[CF]
[Pearl stands in front of camera]
Pearl: Well, I hope you enjoyed that, Mike, because from now on, I'm
increasing the amount of fanfics and other crap online for you to watch.
So you better get ready to bite down hard, heh heh heh....
Observer: [OS] Pearl! Bobo is trying to hack into the Animal Planet
website again!
Bobo:[OS][yells] OOOOK OOK OOOK!
Pearl:[looks OS to her right] Oh Boy. [holds up metal baseball bat, and
walks off screen]
[fade out]
[over credits and ending theme, we hear Bobo being bludgeoned and
screaming]
MST3k
created by
Joel Hodgson
MST and all related concepts (c)
Best Brains, Inc.
'MiST of "MiSTed: Death of David Kintobor"' (c) and directed by:
Theo Mintesnot
Cast:
Tom Servo....................Kevin Murphy
Mike Nelson...................Michael J. Nelson
Crow T. Robot...............Bill Corbett
Pearl Forrester...............Mary Jo Pehl
Gypsy..............................Patrick Brantseg
Usher...............................Peter Rudrud
Stinger:
"Samantha?" Tom said in astonishment.
"Put the gun down, Samantha." Mike said in bemusement.
"Can I have more marshmallows on my sandwich?" Crow said in hunger.
"CROW!" Mike yelled.
"Sorry!"
_____________________________________________________________________
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