C+C below, although it's quite fragmented. I'm trying to do this without
giving away spoilers.
At 09:33 PM 8/24/98 -0700, Jusenkyo Guide wrote:
Jusenkyo Productions Proudly Presents
A Bubblegum Crisis, The Crow Cross Over
Forever the Knight
I'm glad to see what's being crossed over listed here. Else I'd be
expecting a "Forever Knight" crossover from the title :)
Great Kanto Earthquake, a city that is the showcase for the
latest in technologies, the home of GENOM Ltd. and of the rouge
rogue -- rouge is a color or a cosmetic (depending on the language)
She comes down the street, normally an unescorted woman would be
asking for trouble, but not this one.
A bit of odd phasing here, with that comma after 'street'. Perhaps two
sentences would work better, or maybe different punctuation.
As she passes by, the gangs pull back into the shadows.
They are unwilling to test their luck against armor that regularly
trashes boomers. They let her pass, there will be time enough to
claim the street again.
Or perhaps 'time enough to reclaim the streets.' ?
She pauses by the entrance to an old building, the name
of the place long since lost to the winds and times, and lays
something on the sidewalk. A bottle of something, wrapped in
<snip>
Out of the darkness another figure emerges. It's cloaked
Its is the possessive (no apostrophe); It's is the contraction (it is, it has)
in black, and nothing can be made of its face. It too stands at
the spot, looking up as if it could still see the figure in the
white armor. It looks down again and places one hand to the road,
as if drawing strength, or pain. It straitens slowly to look
once more at the sky. The sound of wings announces the presence
of a crow that lands next to the figure.
The white KS left something on the sidewalk at the entrance to a building,
but the dark figure, "stand[ing] at the spot", looks down and "places one
hand to the road". Are we talking about the same location?
The sound of twin motorcycles breaks the deadly silence
of the night. The people ridding them do not notice, or would
riding
even care if they did. To them, the entire world has shrunk
down to the race that they are in. On some unseen signal, they
pull to a stop. The one on the red bike pulls off her helmet
and grins at the other has he pulls of his.
pulls off
"Damn it Leon, I always told ya you are too slow,"
she says.
Leon tries to look cool, but his goofy grin gives him
away. Finally he leans over to her and says suggestively,
"But I thought you LIKED it slow, Priss."
Priss pulls back in mock anger, "Why you, you, you�
Take this!"
She lashes out and grabs him, pulling him close for a
kiss.
"Mmmm, I could get use to this kind of argument, "
Leon says, "Of course I suppose I will have to, ne Priss-chan?"
Watch your tenses. This part is in present tense, but later you switch tenses.
Priss lowered her eyes a bit; looking at the ring that
is always on her finger, even when she is in her hardsuit. Her
grin gets wider, it could even be called a smile, "Uh-huh,
Leon-CHAN!"
You're using two different tenses in this one paragraph.
I don't think there's room in the hardsuit gauntlets for rings.
Leon winced a bit.
"Linna's complaining that she's going to get cavities from us," she said.
Linna's not currently complaining at that moment, is she? Then I think it
would be "Linna's been complaining..."
Leon chuckled again; "Well she hasn't evoked rule 11 yet."
I think the word you want here is "invoked" (as in enforced). "Evoked"
has to do with summoning or calling forth.
"I should have never taken my helmet off."
"Ah, but then you'd have fun trying to come up with
good excuses why you need to leave early on our dates."
"Why'd I need an excuse? Besides, I see you there
anyway," Priss said.
See him where?
Leon pulled her close this time, "I know," he said.
"And because you don't try to protect me is why I
happen to love you," Priss replied, drawing him in even closer.
"Because you're always there is why I�"
Time seemed to slow, Priss saw the expression of
surprise on Leon's face a split second before she felt the
heavy object collide with the back of her neck. She heard,
more than she felt the wet snap. And didn't feel herself
falling to the street. But she did feel, or rather didn't,
the spreading numbness. A second later, Leon's face
exploded from the exit of a bullet.
I'm assuming that when she drew him closer, he's looking at (and continued
to look at) her from very close range? If so, then how did he see someone
come up behind her (assuming that's what the surprised look was all about -
the time, even slowed, seems too long for the look of surprise to be
connected with the bullet)
Also, if they're so close, how come she didn't get sprayed (even if she was
falling)
"Leon!" Priss cried weakly.
Her vision darkened to just a tunnel, focussing
focusing
on the ruins of Leon's face. There wasn't much left to
ruin (Leon's face is singular)
identify the person to whom she was just talking with, the
lover who had been sharing her bed for about a year.
I think you're trying to over-complicate this sentence with grammar that
I'm not certain is correct (although it might be). How about 'There wasn't
much left to identify the person she had just been talking with, the
lover....'
"Oh yeah! Hot bikes man, real hot chick. Hey! Wana
party with us?"
standard spelling is 'Wanna' ^_^
"Oh man, we're in such deep shit now!" Another said.
Is "Another" his name? If not, then don't capitalize it.
blood that was spilt. Only the rocking motions of her head
told her when he started to trust into her.
thrust, not trust (interesting typo in a rape scene, btw)
Priss burned their names and faces, so she would
know who to curse, whom to hunt, whom to kill.
Where did she burn their names and faces?
Fox, Tetsuo, Ryu, Gendou, Laughing Boy, Top Dog,
all of them would die for what they had done to Leon.
But not for what they've done to her?
Priss felt wetness and smelt a coppery sent.
scent
Somehow he brought his car to a stop, the roar of
the bike stopped as well.
Odd phasing here - perhaps '...brought his car to a stop, the roar of the
bike stopping as well.'
But not a circus clown, but the ones that made people
scared of clowns, the ones that haunted your darkest nightmares.
'Not a circus clown, but the ones....'
The Crow pulled the hockey stick out, ignoring the
splatter of blood, or the stench of Top Dog's bowels.
splatter of blood and the stench ?
When The Crow walked into the Tower, Laughing Boy
was entraining himself by playing darts.
entertaining
The Crow shook her head, "Try again Laughing Boy?"
Shouldn't this be a statement instead of a question?
"Hmmmm, I've always wondered just what it was that
made boomers tick," The Crow said, she smiled, "I don't
think that even Mackie knows.)
Is this supposed to be two sentences? Where's the open-parentheses?
"Much better, A year ago you took a ring from a girl
in Timex City after you killed her�, killed her lover, where
is it?" The Crow demanded.
Again, is this supposed to be two sentences (the first being "Much
better.")? Also, no comma after the ellipses
She pulled Laughing Boy to his feet with one hand,
and a large knife with the other, "Time to find out," she
said.
I think this should be 2 sentences as well. The first would end with 'other'.
"For God's sake?" The Crow asked, "For whose sake
do you think I'm doing this for?"
For whose sake do you think I'm doing this?
Who do you think I'm doing this for?
"Largo didn't faze me, nether did facing down
neither
those boomer doubles of his. Heck, Nene on chocolate
doesn't scare me," Priss said.
The doors opened and the two stepped out to be
mobbed by Linna and Nene.
Two makes a mob? Then again, this *is* Linna and Nene we're talking about
here ^_^
Leon snapped to attention and saluted not the
sloppy half ass kind that he normally threw, but one
that was parade ground perfect.
I think you need a comma after 'saluted'
Sylia nodded, "You're welcomed Inspector, Priss
said that you knew who she was?"
Again, 2 sentences? (break after Inspector)
Also, I think that's supposed to be 'welcome', not 'welcomed'?
Priss pulled him up and kissed him, "Yes! Of course
I will, maybe now you'll fix some of those speed violations
for me."
It might play a bit better if you do it this way:
Priss pulled him up and kissed him. "Yes! Of course
I will!" <insert some sort of action for Leon and Priss
- probably more kissing> "Now maybe you'll fix some of
those speeding tickets for me."
Leon chuckled; Priss rounded upon him angrily.
But the hand holding hers had turned to bone,
and the man who asked her to marry him was nothing more than
a corpse.
Shouldn't you flash back to 2036 for this last line?
The deaths of two hoodlums were reported in the
newspapers the next morning, but neither the leader of the
Knight Sabers, nor the CEO of GENOM took notice. What were
two lives in MegaTokyo?
End Part One
Nice job. Although I have a difficult time believing that Sylia and/or the
police don't know (or have some very good ideas about) who killed them
(they know where they died - basic police work would be to go after the
gangs that run in the area, as suspects and for questioning), I'm looking
forward to the rest of this.
Author's Notes:
And here you thought I was dark in 'Heaven and Earth,
Light and Darkness'. This started when a friend of mine and
I were talking. I had mentioned that while there were a lot
of fusions and crossovers, I had never seen one done with The
Crow. You'd think that there would be some, but there isn't.
At first I thought of doing an Evangelion one, with Rei
coming back, but the idea of The Crow with an AT Field and
the ability to pilot an EVA didn't work out right. BGC fit.
There's a BGC-Crow fic called "Broken Melodies" on the Kain's Lair web site
at http://members.aol.com/~kaintskr/broken.htm
I don't know if it's finished though.