I seem to be spinning my wheels with Part 6 of "Ruler of the Raging
Main," and the Porco Rosso fic that I've been working on as well, so I
thought I'd try some more C&C to the mailing list to keep my hand in.
ShortYes@aol.com wrote:
I sent out a teaser awhile ago and here is the finished story. As far as I
know this is a one shot, very few of those from me these days. Hope you all
enjoy.
Long
Thanks to my pre readers: David Johnston, Octavian, TonyLoco
Ranma 1/2 : Secret of the Nekoken
Created by Long Ngo
July 2, 1998
August 22, 1998
* * * * *
The battle was not going well for the Nerima group as the they faced off
against a very angry Saffron. Two years after the battle at Mount Phoenix,
Saffron was now seeking revenge against the young man that had defeated and
ultimately killed him, Saotome Ranma. It had taken two years for his body to
mature and for him to regain his lost powers. Finally, Saffron had his
opportunity to repay Ranma, an eye for an eye.
Hmmm... For what is arguably an epic rematch in the R1/2 continuum, I
find the opening paragraph to be remarkably dry and very abrupt
exposition. Perhaps another approach is warranted here. Something more
immediately active and urgent, such as one of Ranma's companions being
put through one of the holes in the wall you describe below. Work the
details of Saffron's recovery and quest for revenge in throughout the
story instead of just telling us all at once. As it stands now, I don't
feel very involved in the struggle.
Looking around, Ranma saw that everyone that he loved and cared about
were either too hurt to help or unconscious. To his left, near the wall, were
Ukyou and Akane. Looking past them, through one of the various holes, Ranma
could make out the form of Ryouga and Mousse. Against one of the trees laid
Shampoo.
"Against one of the trees lay Shampoo."
Feeling a couple of new presence on the field of battle, Ranma
"presences"
looked to either side of him to discover Happosai and Cologne flanking him.
Without even looking, he could tell that his father and Mr. Tendou were behind
him protecting Kasumi and Nabiki.
Looking into the eyes of his two would be protectors, Ranma shook his
Which two? You've just mentioned four. Genma and Soun might not be
actively with Ranma, but their presence indicates support.
head and stepped towards Saffron. "This is my fight. Saffron came here for
me and I'll be the one to send him back to Mount Phoenix. He'll pay for
hurting everyone." Ranma swore.
comma after "everyone"
His powers now dwarfed what he had two years ago.
Aside from the span of time that separates their last battle, you leave
little here to justify this statement. As far as I can tell, there are
no other works related to this 'fic that the reader can refer to in
order to agree with you. It's a minor quibble, but it raised my eyebrow
the moment I read it. I felt like I was missing something here that I
shouldn't have regarding Ranma.
Cologne had heard the tale of Ranma's battle versus Saffron from
Shampoo. She had known that Ranma had potential when she first met him, but
for Ranma to beat Saffron was, in itself, a miracle and the proof that she
needed to convince the tribunal leaders of their village to make Ranma an
honorary Amazon, the first male in the history of the Amazon.
Man, the earthshaking plot revelations keep coming!
This also gave Shampoo the option to return home without loss of honor.
How convenient! :p (In my own opinion, it would only spur Cologne to
further attempts at getting him hitched to 'Poo, but that's just my
$0.02)
As years passed
Cologne by, she had been in search of an heir to the arts which she held
within, now looking at the back of the pigtailed youth in front of her, she
knew she had made the right decision.
I found this sentence to be rather awkwardly strung together. Try
breaking it up into two sentences between "within" and "Looking" and axe
the "now"
She just hoped that Ranma could defeat
Saffron a second time and live long enough for her to complete his training,
period after "training"
"Good luck son-in-law," Cologne prayed silently.
In any form of direct address in dialogue, use a comma before the name
of the person the character is speaking to. In this case:
"Good luck, son-in-law," Cologne prayed silently.
Throughout his years, there had been many disappointments. Looking at
the youth in front of him, Happosai knew that this was not one of them. The
two male figures behind him were. Through his training methods were
unorthodox, it was the basis for the style known as Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu.
^^^^^^^^
And this means what, to we the Japanese
impaired?
If there is an acceptable translation for something, especially
something which might be critical to the action or plot, you'll be doing
people like me a big favor when you use it. I'd hazard a guess and say
"Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu" is something along the lines of "School of
Indiscriminate Grappling" or "Anything Goes Martial Arts" if your R1/2
exposure is strictly the dubbed anime, but how am I to know if I'm right
or wrong? (Besides asking my wife...)
I'm not saying you shouldn't include Japanese words, but a rough
translation for the important stuff would be nice.
Unlike any of the other branches of martial arts, Musabetsu Kakuto Ryuu relies
solely on the concept of adaptability to the real world and tries to learn
from it rather than defeat and forget. Of everyone he had ever met and
taught, Ranma had been the shining pearl within the sea. Of the new
generation, Ranma was the best of the lot. He was not the strongest or maybe
even the fastest, but he was the most adaptable.
Start a new paragraph here.
Looking to his left, he
could see the woman that had captured his heart so long ago and also his
competition for the pigtailed youth they were both looking at.
"...so long ago, who was also his competition..."
If his student
survived this battle, it would be fun to see which of the two masters would be
able to finish training Ranma first. *I'll never be able to see Ranma in the
pair of panty and bra I bought him if he dies,* Happosai thought.
"panties"
Even though Ranma could not see Saffron's battle aura, he knew that
trading ki or even chi blast
"blasts"
Not to start another huge debate, but there is no fundamental difference
between 'ki' and 'chi.' One word is Japanese, the other Chinese, but
they both mean the same thing.
with him would be a grave mistake. *Can't give
him a chance to throw a ki blast,* Ranma thought. In his last battle with
Saffron, his opponent had shattered the entire top portion of Mount Phoenix
with a single energy blast. Closing the distance as quickly as possible,
Ranma launched a fierce combination
launched a fierce combination of...what?
while utilizing his Amaguriken training to
increase the rate of his punches and kicks to astonishing speed,
(which were) almost invisible to the everyone but Happosai and Cologne.
After tagging Saffron
Tag! You're it! Perhaps a stronger verb is required here. "striking"
maybe?
over 300 times, Ranma leaped back, hoping that his opponent was hurt long
enough for him to fire a ki blast because he didn't have time to pull off one
utilizing chi. "M�ko Takabisha Double!!! " Ranma shouted after hearing
Saffron's comment, releasing two ki blast, one from each arm.
And Saffron's comment was...?
Saffron was smiling, *Finally, I have you, Ranma.* The smile soon was
was soon
replaced with a scowl
comma after "scowl"
as he was bombarded by Ranma's lightning fast punches
and kicks which send him flying backwards through one of the walls that had
sent him
not been destroyed previously.
how about "not been previously destroyed" or even "one of the few walls
that was still intact"
start a new paragraph after "previously."
"That actually hurt, Ranma," Saffron snarled
before he heard Ranma shout out his attack, 'M�ko Takabisha Double!!!' and
getting hit by two ki blast.
Okay, I'm way confused about point of view and the sequence of events in
this entire bit. Let's try a more linear approach to what happens
between Ranma and Saffron, because this isn't working.
*He's trying to end it as quick as possible,*
end this as quickly as possible
Saffron thought, *Who am I to try disappoint him.* Extending his wings,
Saffron took to the skies above Ranma. Before, Saffron's aura had been hidden
Saffron's aura has been hidden before
for the sole fact of taking away Ranma's ability to perform a Hiry� Sh�ten Ha,
now he was pissed enough that either way, it doesn't matter. Charging up,
Saffron unleashed a very highly focused beam of energy at Ranma.
*Did I get him?* Ranma thought, when he suddenly felt a very powerful
battle aura above him. Looking up, Ranma's eyes grew wide as he saw Saffron
powering up for a ki blast. Seeing the beam of energy come his way, Ranma
crossed both his arms in front of him while shouting, "Seishou tate!" He had
to stop the beam. Avoiding the energy blast would endanger everyone near him,
meaning his friends and family. As the energy beam neared Ranma, a dome of
blue energy expanded from Ranma blocking Saffron's blast. As the battle
progressed, beads of sweat could be seen on Ranma's face as he focused his
will in maintaining the shield.
Seeing the blast, Cologne prepared to leap away when she saw that Ranma
was not attempting any such feat. *What is that boy doing, standing there?*
she thought before realizing who was behind her. Even if the blast was not
aimed at them, the explosion from the blast would kill them as easily as if it
had hit them directly. Cologne started to perform a revised Hiry� Sh�ten Ha
when she heard Ranma's battle cry. Looking at Ranma, her level of respect for
him rose a notch. Not only had he learned to manipulate his ki in a way she
could not
comma after "could not"
but again he showed everyone that he was willing to die to protect
those he cared about.
Seeing how his prey had not even attempted to avoid his blast, Saffron
was a little disappointed. "Thought you would put up more of a fight, Ranma!"
he gloated.
Saffron is being awfully colloquial here... "I thought you..."
Just when the beam made contact with Ranma, to his surprise, a
dome of blue ki expanded from Ranma, neutralizing his blast. *Interesting. I
underestimated you for the second time
comma after "time"
but no longer.* Increasing the power
to the beam of red ki, Saffron gathered his will behind the goal of ultimately
defeating his nemesis.
*Got to hold it,* Ranma thought as he felt Saffron increase the strength
of the beam.
Seeing the potential threat to his health, Happosai was about to leap
for cover when he noticed that both Ranma and Cologne were standing their
ground. Even though his instincts were telling him to run, Happosai remained.
In front of him and besides him was his future and his past. Steeling himself
as best as possible, he released his battle aura, he just hoped it was enough.
"...were his future and..."
Period after "battle aura"
Cologne started to get worried as she sensed the increase in energy of
the beam and the flickering of Ranma's shield.
Digging deep down, Ranma not only started to channel ki but also chi
energy into the shield. *Have to protect everyone!* Ranma thought. The
barrier around Ranma started to shrink as he uncrossed his arms.
"No!!" Cologne shouted. *The foolish boy is going to sacrifice
himself.*
"What do you mortals call it? Endgame?" Saffron taunted.
The barrier was now a second skin to Ranma as he absorbed Saffron's
blast while launching one of his own. "MOUKO..." Two balls of energy started
to form, one in each of Ranma's hand, "...TAKA..." bringing them together,
"...BISHA!" the two ball of energy became one as Ranma launched his attack at
Saffron. Upon hitting Saffron, it had the desired result of stopping him from
continuing in his attack but it had caused Ranma to drop his own shield. The
last residue of Saffron's attack sent Ranma sprawling backwards, a huge burn
mark in the center of his chest.
"Noo!" shouted Cologne.
"Ranma-chan!" Happosai called out.
"Hahahaha!!!" Saffron was bathing in the defeat of his enemy.
Behind the two age old masters, Soun and Genma were weeping. Their
dreams of uniting their two families died with Ranma's last breath.
They didn't have long to weep as the ground around Ranma cracked and
exploded upwards.
Everyone who was conscious turned their heads in the direction of the
explosion. What Saffron, Cologne and Happosai felt was an incredible amount
of power. *Was there a new martial artist in the area that they didn't know
about?* all three thought. The dust around the crater started to spiral
around the edge of the hole. As the wind died down and the dust settled, a
figure surrounded by a bright golden aura stood. A gasp escaped from Kasumi
as she recognized the individual.
"HOW CAN THIS BE! I FELT YOU DIE!" Saffron shouted in disbelief.
The burnt mark
burn mark
on Ranma's chest was gone as was most of his clothes.
"...as were most..."
His eyes burned with renewed energy and determination. Ranma's hair danced
within the wind created by his battle aura and arches of energy flowing around
and through his body. Without a word, Ranma settled loosely into a battle
stance, both hands in front of him and knees bent.
Cologne hissed as she realized what was going on. "One of the lost
secrets of the Nekoken. Because a cat has nine lives, so does a master of the
Nekoken. No one has mastered this particular technique in over five
centuries, yet son in law has mastered it subconsciously." she muttered.
comma after "subconsciously"
Secret Techniques? Cool. Is there some other 'fic of yours that I need
to read in order to learn where he picked this one up?
Looking at Saffron with a smile, "Be afraid, master of Mount Phoenix, for the
cat now hunts the bird," Cologne warned.
Dun DUN!!!
To be continued???
I *hate* these cliff hangers!
Overall review:
My biggest fault with this was the very confusing beginning of the fight
sequence. I didn't know if I was coming or going. It needs to be
clarified, preferably in a linear method of narration much like the end
of the fight.
Runner up would be no explanation of how Ranma became Uber-badass. I'm
not knocking it, it's just that said treatment of Ranma cries out for a
story of its own to explain it. That would be a decent 'fic in and of
itself. I'll admit that this is my first Long Ngo 'fic, so I don't know
if you've already covered this or not.
I'd like to see what you do with this,
Jamie