[We see Ukyou getting dressed for bed in green pajamas with
golden spatulas. The phone rings.]
Ukyou: [picks it up] Oh, hi, Hayao. [pause] No, I'm going to
China tomorrow to try to get a...Umm...I'm going to be busy.
[pause] A week from now? Sure. [pause] Friday? Sounds good.
[hangs up] I think I just agreed to go on a date. [laughs faintly]
Maybe I am getting over Ranma.
[She scrambles into bed and drifts off into sleep. A figure
appears out of the shadows of her bedroom and grins.]
Mr. Mujaki: I'll fix that. [grins]
*****************
Furinkan Summer #8
"Deceptions and lessons.
How much trouble can our heros and heroines stir up?"
By John Biles
"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.
My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.
****************************
[We see Ukyou dressed in a beautiful blue dress, standing in a
field of flowers under a cherry blossom tree. Blossoms are
falling gently from the tree in the breeze as she gazes off
towards the sunset. A tiny figure stands in the sunlight,
slowly approaching. It is Ranma, garbed as an upperclass
gentleman of the kind you might find in a Jane Austen novel]
Ukyou: Ranma, my love! [runs towards him]
Ranma: [walks up to Ukyou, looks nervous] I'm sorry, Ucchan,
but I can't love someone who doesn't beat me.
Ukyou: [blinks] But Ranchan, I can beat you if you want.
Ranma: Oh, well, in that case...let's get married! [takes her by
the hand, and they pose against the sun as romantic music
begins to play. Suddenly, everything freezes in place, and Mr.
Mujaki walks out from behind a bush]
Mr. Mujaki: This is supposed to be a nightmare! [shakes a fist
at Ranma] You're not supposed to agree with her!
Ranma: [in a voice that is clearly not Ranma's] I'm not?
Mr. Mujaki: No! You're supposed to break her heart so she'll do
ANYTHING to make you hers!
Ranma: But if I break her heart, why would she want me?
Mr. Mujaki: Because...oh, right. Let's try another tack.
[The action resumes. The romantic music plays and Ranma and
Ukyou lean close for a kiss. Then the sun is suddenly eclipsed
and the music changes to 'Fear the Reaper'. A huge flaming
Akane, 30000 feet tall stalks across the plane, holding a
chainsaw. She is wearing a hockey mask.]
Akane: RANMA! HOW DARE YOU? NOW I WILL CHOP YOU TO BITS
AND EAT YOU! THEN I'LL DESTROY ALL LIFE ON EARTH!
BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! [all life withers in her wake]
[Everything freezes again, and Mujaki steps out.]
Mujaki: You're overdoing it again.
Akane: [very calm voice, which clearly isn't Akane's] Again? I
just got here.
Mujaki: I remember the last job you did for me. I mean, yeah,
we need to scare her, but I think she's gonna laugh.
Akane: Trust me. She'll run in fear.
Mujaki: We'll see. [steps out of sight] Action!
Ukyou: Oh great. Akane's finally snapped.
Ranma: [runs and falls at Akane's knees] Beat me! Whip me!
Call me Edna!
Mujaki: CUT! CUT! [runs out] Look, if you two don't get your act
together, I'll...I'll...
Akane: You're stifling our artistic creativity!
Ranma: Yeah, scripts are so bourgeois!
Mujaki: If this nightmare doesn't work, I'll force you two to be
assigned exclusively to Rush Limbaugh's dreams.
Ranma: Then again, bourgeois values do have a certain
consistency to them...
Mujaki: [steps out of sight] ACTION!
Ukyou: RANCHAN! [runs over]
Akane: FRESH MEAT! I'LL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY
INEDIBLE BREAD! [revs up her chainsaw]
Ukyou: [springboards off of a branch into the air, and reaches
into a dress pocket, pulling out one lone mini-spatula, which
she hurls into the chain of the chainsaw. It whips off and the
chainsaw comes apart, the parts whipping about towards Akane.
However, it melts to slag when it touches her flaming flesh
without harming her]
Akane: GRRR!!!! HULK SMASH!!!! [whips out a huge mallet]
Ukyou: Run, Ranchan, run!
Ranma: Yes! A Beating! A beating! SOCK IT TO ME!
[The last thing Ukyou sees before she wakes up is the mallet
descending towards Ranma's head]
Ukyou: [wakes up screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[she shakes silently for a while, then finally goes back to sleep]
[Back in the dreamland, we see Mr. Mujaki]
Mujaki: Hmm. A little overblown, but whatever does the job.
Let's try something a little more believable this time, though...
****************
[We see Nodoka and Soun sitting in the Saotome family kitchen.]
Soun: So can I stay with you until one of my daughters comes
back?
Nodoka: Where did Akane go?
Soun: [thinks a second] One of my daughters who can cook.
Nodoka: Nabiki cooked?
Soun: Akane spends all her time over here with Ranma or off at
the North Pole and China and so on. And all I know how to cook
is boiled cabbage and fish.
Nodoka: [thinks] On one condition.
Soun: I'll do anything!
Nodoka: You have to help me convince Genma's parents to leave.
Soun: ... [thinking] Hmm. Starvation sounds good. I was
getting a little flabby anyway.
Nodoka: [looks desperate] Please?
Soun: [strikes a noble warrior pose] All right, I'll do it! We'll
harry them out of the house! We'll CRUSH THEM! I WILL BURY
THEM!
[Genma's father sticks his head in the door]
Genma's father: Hello, Tendo-san. [tosses a wallet to Soun] I
think you dropped this.
Soun: [blinks] Thank you.
Genma's father: Glad to be of service. We'll be back later.
We're going shopping.
Nodoka: I'll let the police know when they come looking for you.
Genma's father: [laughs] I promise we won't steal anything.
We're just going to use our new credit cards. [walks off]
Soun: [puts away his wallet] They're probably stolen. [pauses
and looks in his wallet] MY CREDIT CARDS! [draws a sword and
charges off after Genma's father]
*************
[We see Ranma-DJ (Ranma is currently locked in the form of
'Davey Jones' (Yes, the ex-Monkee) due to a misadventure with
the Musk Dynasty curse locking bucket in an earlier episode)
sleeping on his bed. There is a figure in the windowsill.]
Ranma-DJ: [shouts] NO! NOT THE BLUE LEVER! [wakes up in a
pool of sweat] Ugh. What a nightmare. This is worse than the
time I dreamed I was pregnant and drowned in a well.
Figure: [shaky voice] Ranma...are you okay?
Ranma-DJ: 'Zat you, Pop? [rubs his eyes] Oh yeah, I have my
own room now. [smiles] No more Pop squashing me in the night.
[The figure leaps from the window at Ranma-DJ, who tries to
dodge, but is too slow.] Hey!
Figure: [Who we can now see is Ukyou] Ranchan...you're
okay...tell me you're okay...[she is crying and hugging Ranma
very, very tightly]
Ranma-DJ: Ucchan...I can't...breathe.
Ukyou: [continues to cling, but less tightly] I...I guess it was
just a dream.
Ranma-DJ: You had a nightmare too?
Ukyou: [nods] It was awful. I went on that date I have next
week, and then you got killed because I was off at the movies
and ... [starts to cry again]
Ranma-DJ: I died because you...[pauses] You have a date next
week? [doesn't sound entirely pleased] With who?
Ukyou: Hayao asked me out.
Ranma-DJ: Something about that guy makes me uncomfortable.
Ukyou: He's a nice guy, Ranchan. He's not a fruitcake like Kunou
or anything.
Ranma-DJ: [frowns] He reminds me of someone, but I can't
think of who.
Ukyou: [thinking] He's jealous. NOW he gets jealous. When it
doesn't matter anymore. [frowns] Ranma. You don't even KNOW
him.
Ranma-DJ: I can smell trouble when I see it. [thinking] That
didn't quite come out right.
Ukyou: [gets up and sighs] Whatever. Goodnight, Ranma.
[She leaps into the window and sprints off into the night.]
Ranma-DJ: [pauses] What did I say this time?
*************
[The next morning at breakfast, everyone looks cranky except
Genma.]
Genma: Ahh, what a wonderful morning.
[Everyone eats in cranky silence.]
Genma: I slept well.
Ranma: [shrugs] Who cares?
Genma: You shouldn't talk to your father like that! Tell him,
Nodoka!
Nodoka: Hmm. Enjoying your melons, 'Father'?
Grandpa Saotome: Very much.
Nodoka: Did you know that fruit flies sometimes lay their eggs
in melons and then they hatch inside the person that eats them?
I was going to burn those melons. That's why they were in a
box that says, 'Don't Eat These Melons'.
Grandpa Saotome: [runs screaming out of the room]
Genma: [drops the chunk of melon he stole from his father] Urk.
Grandma Saotome: You're making that up.
Nodoka: And the cheesecake was going to be burnt because it
fell on the floor.
Soun: AAAAAAAA!!!!!!! [runs out of the kitchen, dropping the
cheesecake he was eating]
Nodoka: [sighs]
[The phone rings and Ranma answers it]
Ranma: Yo.
Akane: [sounds worried] Ranma, I can't find my father!
Ranma: [sighs] He's come to live with us. I think right now
he's panicking because he's eating cheesecake that was on the
floor.
Akane: ...
Ranma: Come on over. There's two uneaten plates you can have.
Akane: I cooked a really nice breakfast! Come on over and you
can have some!
Ranma: [nervously] Bring it over here. [thinking] Maybe it will
drive off Grandpa and Grandma before Mom goes insane.
Akane: Didn't you say that...
Ranma: You know how Dad eats? Well, multiply him by three.
We need more food anyway.
Akane: Okay! [smiles, although Ranma can't see it] I'm on the
way!
**************
[Akane is over at the Saotome house, with two big covered
plates.]
Akane: I've never made this before, so let me know how it is.
Grandpa: It doesn't have fruit flies in it, does it?
Soun: You made this? [faints]
Grandma: What's his problem?
Ranma-DJ: Try it, Grandpa. You'll like it.
Akane: [blinks at Ranma] Ranma?
Ranma-DJ: Mom's been teaching Akane how to cook.
Grandpa: [smiles] Your mother is a great cook! Bring on the
food! I'll eat it all!
Nodoka: [blinks, then smiles a little]
Akane: [unveils a plate full of pancakes and a big bowl of fruit
salad] Here you go.
[Grandpa grabs about half of each and starts eating. Ranma-DJ
and Genma watch him nervously.]
Grandma: [takes a little for herself] Why do you look so
worried, Ranma?
Ranma-DJ: Just...ahh, worried he'll choke eating so fast.
Grandpa: This is GREAT!
Akane: [nervously] It is?
Ranma-DJ: [takes one pancake and a little fruit salad and tries
it, then boggles] This really is great!
Akane: [tries some herself] Wow!
[Soon everyone is digging into the food. Akane is nearly buried
alive in compliments.]
Grandpa: I think we're going to come live with you,
granddaughter-in-law to be, once you and Ranma get married.
Nodoka: [thinking] Time to move up that wedding.
*************
[We see Akane and Ranma-DJ sitting up on the roof of the
Saotome house. She leans over and puts her head on his
shoulders.]
Akane: Ranma, can I ask you a question?
Ranma-DJ: [absently] You just did.
Akane: ...
Ranma-DJ: I wish I knew why she was mad at me.
Akane: Why who was mad at you?
Ranma-DJ: [sighs] Ucchan. [puts an arm around Akane] We had
a fight last night.
Akane: When did you see Ukyou?
Ranma-DJ: She came over to tell me she had a date with that
bozo, Hayao. [thinking] I think that's what we had a fight about.
Akane: [sounds suspicious] She came over in the middle of the
night to tell you that?
Ranma-DJ: I was half-asleep. I think that's what we were
talking about when she got mad. [frowns]
Akane: [gives Ranma-DJ a suspicious look] I don't think she'd
come over in the middle of the night just to tell you that.
Ranma-DJ: I hope she's not so mad she's not gonna help me try
and get the kettle so I don't have to be a washed up rock star
forever. If one more person asks me for an autograph...
Akane: [thinking] Something's going on that he's not telling me.
I'm gonna get to the bottom of this.
**************
[We see Shinnosuke and Hitomi over at Ucchan's.]
Hitomi: Hey, can we get some SERVICE over here?
Ukyou: [stomps over looking cranky] WHAT? [looks at both of
them, thinking] Ranma, you jerk. Do you want me or no...hey,
what a cute guy.
Shinnosuke: [thinking] She's cute. I wonder if I'm supposed to
know who she is? [whispers to Hitomi] Do I know her?
Hitomi: [sarcastically whispers back] She's your mother.
[loudly] Can we get actual FOOD here or are we just supposed
to IMAGINE it?
Shinnosuke: [looks at Ukyou] Mom?
Ukyou: [blinks] What?
Hitomi: [thinking] I would never have said it, but I know he'll
forget that the second she gets out of his sight and he's driving
me NUTS! I deserve a little fun. [out loud] Look, can we order
now?
Shinnosuke: Mom! I thought you were dead!
Ukyou: I...uh...I'm not your mother.
Hitomi: [sarcastically] He's your son from the future.
[thinking] Who's that guy from Tokyo that Grandpa mentioned?
Ryoma? Ranga? Ranma. That's it. [out loud] Some guy named
Ranma was his father. I'm just his guardian angel. Now can I
get some FOOD?
Ukyou: [gulps] Your father was named Ranma?
Shinnosuke: I can't remember my father. I...[nervously] I have
really bad memory.
Ukyou: [thinking] He does look kinda like Ranma. [out loud] I...I
look like your mother?
Shinnosuke: I can't remember her either. Just her smile.
[smiles at Ukyou] Grandpa says she was very pretty.
Ukyou: [nervously] What's your grandfather's name?
Shinnosuke: [sighs] Umm...I always call him Grandpa.
Ukyou: Is he kinda fat and balding?
Shinnosuke: [nods] You've met him?
Ukyou: ...
Hitomi: Come on, Shinnosuke, let's go somewhere we can get
REAL food and not just trip down a lane of imaginary memories,
okay?
Shinnosuke: Huh?
Ukyou: Let me get you some food and you can tell me about the
future, okay? [heads over nervously to the grill]
**************
[Lunch at the Saotome Household. Everyone is eating like a pig.]
Ranma-DJ: Wow, two meals without fatalities! This is great!
Akane: RANMA! [whacks Ranma in the head with a ladle]
Ranma-DJ: Hey, I'm just telling the truth!
Grandpa: Ranma, be nice to your fiancee. This is excellent food.
[Everyone chimes in, and Ranma-DJ wilts under the verbal
assault.]
Ranma-DJ: I guess I shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth.
Akane: So I'm a HORSE now?
Ranma-DJ: Hey, I... [He is forced to flee an all-out Akane
assault.]
**********
[We see Ukyou, Hitomi, and Shinnosuke eating lunch together.]
Hitomi: Yeah, we were sent by Grandpa back through time to
find this great and powerful wizard named Gosunkugi to cure
Shinnosuke's memories.
Shinnosuke: [thinking] We went back in time? No wonder
Mom's alive.
Ukyou: You used the Naniban mirror?
Hitomi: [nods, thinking] The what? [speaking] Yeah.
Ukyou: Is Happousai still alive in the future?
Hitomi: [thinks a moment] I've never heard of him.
Ukyou: [gives a sigh of relief] That's good.
Shinnosuke: This okonomiyaki is really great! Just like mom
used to make!
Ukyou: [smiles] Thank you. [thinking] Could he really be me
and Ranma's son from the future? But that would mean... [looks
hopeful, thinking] No. I can't count on that, but...
[Akane walks in]
Akane: Ukyou! WHY DID YOU....[pauses] Shinnosuke?
Shinnosuke: [turns] Akane!
Hitomi: [thinking] Time to get out of here. Shin's gonna blow
my big fibs out of the water if he can actually think clearly
enough to remember her.
Akane: [runs over] What are you doing in Tokyo, Shinnosuke?
Shinnosuke: Did you travel through time too, Akane?
Hitomi: [gets up] I think Shinnosuke and I need to...
Shinnosuke: I've missed you, Akane.
Akane: [smiles] I've missed you too, Shinnosuke.
Ukyou: [blinks] You know him?
Akane: He's a friend of mine from Rugenzawa.
Ukyou: [frowns] Not from the future?
Hitomi: [tries to drag Shinnosuke] We really HAVE to be moving
on.
Ukyou: HITOMI! [chases Hitomi out into the street and out of
sight]
Akane: So what brings you to Tokyo?
Shinnosuke: I can't remember. Hitomi was taking me to get my
uh...wisdom teeth pulled?
Akane: No dentists in Rugenzawa, I guess.
Shinnosuke: Do you know a good dentist?
Akane: Here, I'll take you to Dr. Tofu.
***************
[We see Dr. Tofu's office. He ushers Shinnosuke and Akane in.]
Dr. Tofu: So what seems to be the problem?
Shinnosuke: My cousin is missing.
Akane: What?
Shinnosuke: I did come to Tokyo with Hitomi, right?
Dr. Tofu: ...
Akane: The annoying girl who Ukyou chased off?
Shinnosuke: My mom is named Ukyou?
Akane: Ukyou is not your mother.
Shinnosuke: Oh. But Hitomi was here?
Dr. Tofu: So he suffers from memory loss?
Shinnosuke: I think I need to have my wisdom teeth pulled.
Dr. Tofu: [pokes Shinnosuke's shoulder.] This should help. It's
called the Memory point. Unfortunately, it only lasts fifteen
minutes.
Shinnosuke: [shudders as suddenly ALL his memories come back
at once] Akane! I...I never told you I love you.
Akane: [blushes bright red] I...I'm sorry, Shinnosuke. I'm
getting married to Ranma.
Shinnosuke: [sighs] Maybe I was better off not having my
memories.
Dr. Tofu: I wish I could help you keep them permanently, but I'm
not a memory expert. However, Cologne might be able to help
you. She's an expert with herbal shampoos, including the
memory affecting ones.
Akane: I'm sorry, Shinnosuke.
Shinnosuke: Do you know where to find this Gosunkugi guy?
Grandpa heard stories about him.
Dr. Tofu: Really? Hmm. [looks in the phone book and writes
something down] Here's his address.
Shinnosuke: We went there and they said they didn't have any
wizards.
Akane: Try asking for Hikaru Gosunkugi. He's gone to America,
but he should be back in a few days, I think.
Shinnosuke: Thanks! [blinks] I think we need to find my cousin
Hitomi before Ukyou kills her.
Akane: So that girl is your cousin?
Shinnosuke: Yeah. Hitomi can be a brat, but she's the only
reason I actually made it to Tokyo with any clue of why I was
going or where. [sighs]
Akane: Well, we'd better go save her then.
***********************
[We see Ranma-DJ trying to practice. He is breathing hard.]
Ranma-DJ: [sighs] This body is pathetic. Five minutes and I'm
exhausted. This is almost as bad as that shiatsu thing. The
only good part is that I don't turn into a girl.
[The door flies open and Kunou strides in.]
Kunou: Saotome! I know you're here! Where are you?
Ranma-DJ: Right here.
Kunou: You're not Ranma.
Ranma-DJ: I...umm...got cursed.
Kunou: If you're Ranma, then show me how well you fight. You
look like a washed up reject to me.
Ranma-DJ: [growls] I'll show you! [He unleashes a barrage of
attacks at Kunou, who blocks them all while reading a book of
poetry]
Kunou: [lashes out with one blow and KOs Ranma-DJ] Hmm. I
should have struck less hard so I could ask where that coward
Ranma is hiding...
**************
[We see Nabiki and Ryouga, at the Golden Potato Cabaret in the
Golden Potato Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas. They are eating
dinner, which is steak and potatoes.]
Ryouga: Wow, I think they gave me half the cow!
Nabiki: [laughs] No, they just eat more meat than we do.
Announcer: [From somewhere unseen] And now, for Vegas'
hottest new act! Ken Hibiki, the world's leading practicioner of
Martial Elvis Imitation! Everyone give a big hand to the King of
Imitating the King of Rock and Roll!
[The audience laughs and applauds. Ken Hibiki walks out,
dressed as the 'old Elvis'. He is holding a microphone and
wearing dark sunglasses.]
Ken: Hello, Chicago!
[Everyone laughs.]
Ken: I think I'll start with 'Blue Suede Shoes'. [launches into
the song. He's a decent singer. While he is singing, a squadron
of ninjas charges out and attacks him. Grinding his hips, he
hipbutts them off the stage, then swings his microphone around
and knocks out the last one, following up by launching into 'Blue
Moon'.]
Nabiki: [laughing and applauding] Your father's quite a
comedian, Ryouga.
Ryouga: [buries his face in his hands] Maybe this wasn't a good
idea.
[Ken goes through several more songs, demolishing martial
artists to the point where the stage is littered with them and
he can hardly move without stepping on one.]
Ken: I'm dedicating this next one to my son, Ryouga, whereever
he is. I haven't seen him in a year and a half. Let's hope that
wherever he is...it's not the Jailhouse. [launches into Jailhouse
Rock]
Ryouga: Maybe I should kill myself now and get this over with.
Nabiki: Hey, I think dedicating a song to you is sweet. [pauses]
Although that's probably not the best choice.
Ken: [finishes off the song] Well, we've got time for one more
song. [starts looking around the audience] Anyone want to
make a request?
Nabiki: [waves her arms] Me!
Ryouga: [hides under the table] Maybe if I close my eyes, I'll
get lost.
Ken: Ahh, a woman from my homeland! What can I sing for you,
little lady?
Nabiki: Can you do 'High on the Mountain of Love?' I know that's
not really one of your songs, but I wanna dedicate it to my
boyfriend, who's hiding under the table. [grins]
Ken: [smiles] Sure. I'll make an exception for you. And who is
this lucky guy?
Ryouga: No, not in front of all these people!
Nabiki: HIBIKI RYOUGA! Your son!
Ken: Ryouga! Come on up here, boy!
Ryouga: [nervously goes up on stage] D...dad.
Ken: You finally got a girlfriend! I'm so happy! [hugs Ryouga]
Come on, boy, let's sing 'High on the Mountain of Love' just like
we used to at home.
Ryouga: Dad, this is the first time I've heard you sing in my
life.
Ken: [laughs] Well, fake it! [launches into 'High on the Mountain
of Love'. Ryouga follows along, while Nabiki sits back and
grins.]
***********
[We see Herb, who is chained up in a prison cell. He is in his
female form. There is a lovely young woman next to him. She
has long blonde hair and is dressed in a saffron robe.]
Herb: [groggily] What happened?
Girl: I was fighting someone and...Herb?
Herb: Who are you?
Girl: [looks down at herself] I'm a WOMAN! Now I can save
time and just grope myself!
Herb: [thinking] No...not...
Girl: [strains] But I can't move my arms! NO! I'M IN HELL!!!!
Kirin: [looking through the cell door] How are you and
Happousai getting along?
Girl: YOU BASTARDS! HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO ME?
Kirin: Well, I voted to use the 'Jusenkyo Pickled Vegetable Mix'
we'd just bought, but we decided that would be cannibalism,
and this isn't the British navy, you know.
Herb: [angrily] The army of the Musk Dynasty will destroy you!
Kirin: What army? We used Nihaoumaonichuan water on them.
Herb: ...
Kirin: Most of them are busy grooming themselves and trying to
find a nice dress or merchandising themselves right now.
Herb: It can't end like this!
Kirin: Don't worry. We'll let you loose eventually.
Girl: I want to see my LAWYER!
Kirin: We have to figure out how to mix the love potions first,
though.
[Herb screams loud enough to wake the dead.]
****************
[We see Kunou stomping through the Saotome house. He walks
into the living room.]
Kunou: SAOTOME! WHERE ARE YOU?
Grandpa: Can I help you?
Grandma: Looking for Saotome Genma?
Kunou: I seek the foul sorceror Ranma Saotome. He has hidden
my beloved pig-tailed goddess! I cannot find her anywhere!
Grandpa: Ahh, we can help you. My wife and I are professional
detectives. We work cheap. Only 30,000 yen a day.
Kunou: Done! So where is he?
Grandma: We're detectives, not sorcerors! We'll be on the case.
We'll need daily payments, so we can meet our expenses.
Kunou: Sasuke!
[Sasuke pops up]
Sasuke: Yes, Master Kunou?
Kunou: Pay them.
Sasuke: [does so]
Grandpa: [gets up] We're on our way.
*************
[We see Nabiki and Ryouga back at his father's apartment with
his pet guide dog and guide cat. They drag Ken over to a plush
chair, while Nabiki and Ryouga sit down on the couch.]
Ken: So you're that Tendo girl Ryouga kept sending us letters
about?
Nabiki: [blushes slightly] I didn't realize you'd written your
father about me.
Ryouga: [nervously] Ub wubba, err...
Ken: You don't look like a martial artist, but I'm sure you're as
good as he says.
Nabiki: [twitches slightly]
Ryouga: [quickly] When did you last get a letter from me, Dad?
Ken: About six months ago. Your mother will be back from
recording in LA tomorrow. I can hardly believe she got a record
contract. [pouts] I guess my act wouldn't work so well,
recorded. Although you can buy a videotape of me! Only 29.95!
For family, I'll only charge you half price.
Nabiki: How many of these have you sold?
Ken: About 50,000 so far.
Nabiki: [yen signs light up in her eyes] Need a business
manager?
Ken: Well, my current one's pretty good. [turns to Ryouga] How
long are you staying?
Ryouga: Well, my job doesn't start again until the fall, so...
Ken: You have a job?
Ryouga: I'm...umm...teaching history. [looks embarrassed]
Ken: So you have the summer off? Great! Stay as long as you
like. [looks slyly at them] Planning to take advantage of all the
wedding chapels they have here?
Nabiki: [blushes] We...I just wanted to meet Ryouga's parents.
Ken: Well, you'll have to pass the marriage tests, but that
should be easy.
Nabiki: Marriage tests?
Ryouga: Marriage tests?
Ken: But for a skilled martial artist, this will be EASY!
Nabiki: Yes. Easy. Of course. What...um...if my skills aren't up
to it?
Ken: Well, I can afford a nice funeral for you, pretty easily.
What color dress would you like?
Ryouga: DAD!
Ken: I'm sorry, son, but it's part of the family curse.
Ryouga: Family curse?
Ken: Ever noticed how we get lost all the time?
Ryouga: It's a curse?
Ken: You have noticed other people don't get lost, right?
Nabiki: Yes.
Ken: Anyway, your great-great-great-great-great-grandfather
Dmitri Hibikoff was the one who got us all cursed.
Nabiki: [raises an eyebrow] Isn't that a Russian name?
[thinking] Sort of.
Ken: Our family was once Russian. I'll get to that. Dmitri was
one of those people who didn't know how to leave well enough
alone, you see...
*************
[We see a man who looks rather like Mr. Yotsuya from Maison
Ikkoku (slicked black short hair, a little snakey looking, thin
and tall) dressed as a Russian peasant. He is holding a golden
harp, one end of which is carved in gold to resemble a beautiful
woman]
Dmitri Hibikoff: Now, if I can just find my way out...
[He looks around a maze of twisty, bendy passages, all alike]
Dmitri: Ummm...That way. [goes left. This takes him past
cells, mostly full of bones. One of them holds a young girl,
somewhere around twelve years of age]
Girl: Help me!
Dmitri: [peers in through the window] I don't have a key.
Girl: There's an ogre with the keys down the hall. Please save
me!
Dmitri: An ogre? So Baba Yaga is down there? Or does she
have kids?
Girl: [frowns] No, not Baba Yaga. Just some goon of hers.
Dmitri: [looks at the harp] Does it like music?
Girl: Yes.
Dmitri: [swallows nervously] I'll...see what I can do. [thinking]
I really should just sneak out, but...poor kid. Baba Yaga will
probably eat her. [sighs and heads down to where the ogre is
busily throwing darts at a dartboard] Harp, play a soothing
song.
[The harp begins to play. Dmitri watches the ogre, which begins
to yawn. It then lies down and falls asleep. He creeps over and
gets the keys, then begins to yawn.]
Dmitri: Harp, that's enough. [It stops. He creeps down and
unlocks the door, letting the girl out.] We have to hurry.
Grandmother will be back soon.
Girl: She's your grandmother?
Dmitri: She likes to be called that, I heard. So just in case
she's listening...
Girl: [looks at the harp] So why are you stealing her harp if you
want her to like you?
Dmitri: Because my family is starving. I can make some money
with this. [hurries down the hallway]
Girl: Won't she come after you for revenge? [hurries along]
Dmitri: Well, she'll likely come after me for freeing you too,
but if we hurry, she won't know where to look. Even if I put it
back, I'd still be stealing you, so to speak. [sighs] I've got to
remember to stop by the Ivanovs and see about borrowing some
sugar too.
Girl: This place is huge. [looks around] Do you know the way
out?
Dmitri: I never get lost. Take me anywhere once, and I can
always find my way back. This place is a maze.
Girl: How did you find the harp anyway?
Dmitri: [leads them down a side passage] It was singing
because it was bored.
Harp: All she ever wants to listen to is funeral marches. I'm
sick and tired of them.
Girl: I find them rather relaxing, myself. [glomps onto Dmitri's
arm] I'm very, very grateful to you for rescuing me.
Dmitri: If you need somewhere to stay, you can stay with us.
Girl: Us? You and the harp?
Dmitri: [laughs] My wife and I and our children.
Girl: [sounds disappointed] I was hoping to reward you with
the gift of my love.
Dmitri: Well, if you really want to reward me, my wife could
use some help with the children. They're sick again.
Girl: Are you listening to me?
Dmitri: [looks around] Trying to find the way out. And like I
said, I'm married.
Girl: [points] This way, I think. [they head down a long hallway
and into a large art gallery, a long hall with dozens of paintings
and over a dozen doors] There's a lot of valuable paintings here.
We could be set for life with these.
Dmitri: I think this harp is enough. Best not to steal more than
I have to. [hurries across the hall]
Girl: You're an honest man for a thief.
Dmitri: You've a sharp tongue for someone who would be rotting
in a cell if I hadn't gotten you out. I didn't have to help you, you
know.
Girl: So why did you?
Dmitri: I couldn't leave you here to be eaten. So why did
Grandmother lock you up, anyway?
Girl: She...um...I'm not sure.
Dmitri: [thinking] She probably tried to rob the old woman
herself.
[They hurry down another hallway to a door, which opens out
onto a ladder. Seen from the outside, Baba Yaga's house is just
a small hut. Well, a small hut on giant chicken legs, taking a
stroll through the forest. They scramble down the rope ladder,
and through the woods to a small peasant house, where Dmitri's
wife, Olga, is trying to run herd over half a dozen small
children. Half the kids are sick, the others are berserkly hyper]
Olga: Did you bring the sugar?
Dmitri: I got us a magic harp.
Olga: But you forgot the sugar.
Dmitri: Umm...well, I did bring a helper.
Olga: Where did you get that magic harp? [pause] You stole it
from Baba Yaga, didn't you.
Dmitri: [nervously] Well, I was on the way to get the sugar
and...
Olga: This is worse than the time I sent you to get salt and you
sold the cow for those magic beans! In fact, that looks like the
same harp!
Dmitri: [looks at the harp] Do I know you?
Harp: Hmm, you do look kinda familiar...
Olga: [begins beating Dmitri in the head with a turnip] You
idiot! The last time you stole one of those, the Duke
confiscated it and gave us that stupid medal you're wearing and
three copper coins as a 'reward'! And the giant's brother found
our house and ate it! So we had to move to this god-forsaken
forest! [chases him around the room]
Girl: I'll...just...be moving along. Thanks for the rescue.
Dmitri: Don't mention it. [tosses her a loaf of bread] This
should keep you fed to the next village.
Olga: YOU JUST GAVE AWAY DINNER!
Dmitri: With the magic harp, we can...
Olga: I think I'll make you EAT THE HARP THEN!
[The girl flees. The next morning, there is a knock at the door.]
Dmitri: [swathed in bandages, he opens the door] Hello?
Baba Yaga: [a wrinkled troll of a woman, who looks rather like
Cologne in Russian peasant garb, sitting in a cauldron, which is
hovering a few inches off the ground. She holds a huge pestle in
one hand.] I've come to punish you for stealing my harp.
Dmitri: Please don't eat my family. I'll even sautee myself if I
have to.
Baba Yaga: I was going to eat all of you, but after seeing how
you live, I decided that was punishment enough. So I'm just
going to curse you. [sprinkles dust on his head] You'll never
find my house again. Or anything else. You and your progeny
will be lost for eternity, wanderers unable to find their way.
Dmitri: [falls to his knees] Thank you, Grandmother.
Baba Yaga: [blinks] No one has ever thanked me for a curse
before.
Dmitri: It beats being eaten.
Baba Yaga: You can keep the harp. I went and ate the Duke for
breakfast and took the one he took from you. And if you ever
steal anything from me again...
Dmitri: I'll just go tell my wife about this. [walks past her,
into the forest]
Baba Yaga: I suppose I'll have to tell her myself.
**************
[Nabiki looks dubious. Ryouga looks confused. Ken sits back.]
Ken: You understand now?
Nabiki: Not only does that sound like you made it up, what does
it have to do with magical tests? And how did a family of
Russian peasants become Japanese martial artists?
Ken: Dmitri later accidentally stole the soul of a leshee and
had to flee Russia. Then his son offended the spirit of Mount
Fuji, which imposed a geas on his line. Anyone who would
marry into it had to pass three tests. If she succeeds, she
gains enhanced power and skill. If she fails, she dies.
Nabiki: [pauses] So how do you people ever get married? I
mean...it sounds rather dangerous. [thinking] I love Ryouga, but
I don't want to risk killing myself...Not just to get married.
Ryouga: You die if you lose? You never told me THAT before.
Ken: Well, there hasn't been a death in eight generations. It's
not like you have to walk on the edge of a swordblade without
cutting yourself or drag yourself through the desert using your
tongue. The wish is worth it, I think, anyway.
Nabiki: Wish?
Ken: Yeah, you get a wish too. Money, fame, even greater skill
than the Kami normally grants if you succeed, whatever you
want.
Nabiki: Like a cure for a curse?
Ken: Yeah.
Nabiki: Why hasn't anyone cured the curse on your line with it?
Ken: Baba Yaga always comes and recurses us, so we stopped
wasting our time on that one.
Nabiki: But you could cure some other curse?
Ken: Yeah. Why, are you under one?
Nabiki: [thinking] This does give me rather more incentive.
[speaking] No, but someone I know is.
Ken: Well, our great-great-grandfather was cursed to fall down
every time anyone said 'it', and the kami broke that curse, so
I'm sure it can help you.
Nabiki: Who cursed him?
Ken: Some band of knights, I think. I can't remember anymore.
Oh wait, now I remember. It all started on a dark and stormy
night...
*************
[We see Ranma-DJ, Akane, Ukyou, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi, who
has a large spatula still bent around her head, at Ucchan's
okonomiyaki.]
Ranma-DJ: If you help get my grandparents to leave, I'm sure
Mom will let you stay as long as you like, Shinnosuke. I think
Gos and Kasumi will be back in a week or two, right?
Akane: Why don't you stay at the Dojo? Everyone's gone but me,
and it gets kinda lonely.
Shinnosuke: I'd be happy to stay with you. [smiles] You won't
mind, will you, Hitomi?
Hitomi: It depends on if she's going to fold things over my head,
too. [glares at Ukyou]
Ukyou: Only if you claim she's Shinnosuke's mother. [sighs]
Ranma-DJ: What?
Ukyou: Don't ask. Anyway, when's the next planning mission for
the raid?
Ranma-DJ: [sighs] Apparently they've decided to hunt down and
maim Gosunkugi instead, and that takes priority for whatever
reason. They think he did something or another to Shampoo.
Akane: Well, we still have the sleigh, but it's not much use
without any reindeer.
Shinnosuke: Reindeer? We've got some giant ones in
Rugenzawa.
Ukyou: ...
Akane: That would work. Getting the sleigh to Rugenzawa may
take a little work, though.
Ranma-DJ: We'll just have to plan carefully.
**************
[It is dinner time at the Gosunkugi household. There is a knock
at the door. Mr. Gosunkugi gets up. ]
Mr. Gosunkugi: I'll get it. [walks to the door] Who is it?
Voice: [female] Amazon.
Mr. Gosunkugi: Amazon who?
Voice: [after hurried whispers on the other side of the door]
Landshark.
Mr. Gosunkugi: You can't fool me! I know there's a Girl Scout
out there! Well, I won't let you in! I already bought eight boxes
of Girl Scout cookies. I can't afford any more. [turns to go]
Voice: Elvis.
Mr. Gosunkugi: Even at his worst, the King was still male.
[starts to walk away]
Voice: Priscilla Presley.
Mr. Gosunkugi: [stars in his eyes] Oh wow, I'm your biggest fan!
[pulls the door open] I've watched the Naked Gun 1000 times!
[A bonbori bops him on the head and two hands reach in and drag
him off.]
**********
[We see Ranma-DJ and his family at the dinner table. Akane,
Soun, Hitomi, and Shinnosuke are there too.]
Ranma-DJ: So, we're taking the sleigh and going to Rugenzawa
to get some giant reindeer, then we're going to China. [thinking]
Please don't laugh.
Grandpa: Say hello to Chairman Mao for me!
Grandma: He's dead, dear.
Grandpa: No wonder he stopped sending us Christmas cards.
[his wife bops him on the head]
Akane: We'll be back in just a few days once we fix Ranma.
Grandpa: That sounds kinda drastic.
Grandma: [mallets Grandpa again] Not THAT way!
Soun: Bring us some souveneirs!
Genma: Reindeer?
Ranma-DJ: [shrugs] We have magic feedcorn to make them fly.
Soun: [waving his arms about] But none of you have a pilot's
license!
Akane: I'll drive under the speed limit, Daddy. We'll be fine.
Soun: Oh, okay.
***************
[We see the Amazon Army (Shampoo, Shelf, Towelbar (a young
12 year old Amazon), Cologne, Mousse and Showercap(Mousse's
Great-Great-Aunt)), surrounding Mr. Gosunkugi in a dark alley.]
Shampoo: So, whyfor you blind Shampoo? [waves a bonbori at
Mr. Gosunkugi]
Cologne: You got the wrong Gosunkugi.
Shampoo: [turns to Mousse] There you are! Whyfor you put
Shampoo in the cold, cold ground? [pauses] Um, Shampoo
means why did you blind Shampoo?
Mousse: It's me, Mousse!
Shampoo: Shampoo should have known Mousse made you do it!
[turns to Shelf, who is a little gnomelike man the same age as
Cologne, and married to her] NOW YOU DIE! [pauses] Are you
kneeling down, Mousse?
Shelf: [springs onto her head, then puts her glasses on and
krazy glues them in place] I've had ENOUGH of that.
Shampoo: Hey, where did Gosunkugi go? Who's this creepy old
guy?
Mr. Gosunkugi: Are you looking for my son?
Towelbar: Someone was actually willing to bear the children of
someone as creepy looking as you? [recoils in shock]
Mr. Gosunkugi: [whips out a camera and flashes it in her face.
While she is stunned from the flash, he picks her up and
dropkicks her into the sky. Far away, she plummets into a pond
in a distant park. He then collapses, breathing heavily] I think
I pulled a muscle.
Shampoo: Great-Grandmother, why you not save Towelbar?
Cologne: Even I am sometimes surprised, child.
Mousse: You realize this means she has to marry him in two
years when she's old enough.
Cologne: [shakes her head] The law doesn't apply until you're
old enough to marry or every Amazon child would be married by
age five.
Mr. Gosunkugi: So why have you kidnapped me?
Cologne: I meant for Shampoo to kidnap your son, actually.
Where is he?
Mr. Gosunkugi: Some little town called Quagmire, in Texas in
the United States.
Shampoo: You expect us to believe that? Shampoo not born
yesterday!
Mr. Gosunkugi: So you've already reached your expiration date?
Shampoo: [blinks audibly]
Showercap: I can get the truth from him. [whips out a bottle of
sake] And have some fun at the same time!
Shampoo: [thinking] Shampoo have very bad feeling about this.
**************
[We see Ukyou, Ranma, Akane, Shinnosuke, and Hitomi on a train
going through the countryside. Each row of seats consists of six
seats with an aisle up the middle (Three on each side). Ranma
and Akane are seated in a row by themselves while Ukyou is
seated in the aisle seat behind Ranma, with Shinnosuke and
Hitomi to her right. ]
Ukyou: So what is the Ryugenzawa like?
Shinnosuke: It's a beautiful forest, full of tall, green trees and
many flowers and meadows and giant animals.
Hitomi: [shakes her head] It's a deathtrap. Shin and Grandpa
are nuts to stay there.
Shinnosuke: [frowns] It is not a deathtrap. Most people just
get maimed.
Ukyou: [thinking] I shouldn't have asked.
Hitomi: It is beautiful, but if you get killed, it doesn't matter
if something pretty or ugly kills you. My family's always
patrolled the forest, keeping the giant animals under control,
ever since the civil war where...um...It has something to do with
the Shoguns taking over. Anyway, for centuries. My dad moved
out when I was little. [sighs] How we're gonna catch some
giant reindeer...
Ukyou: GIANT reindeer?
Hitomi: You do know all the animals are gigantic, right?
Shinnosuke: Of course I know! My memory isn't THAT bad.
Hitomi: I was talking to her!
Ranma-DJ: [sticks his head around] What about Giant Reindeer?
Shinnosuke: Even I haven't ever forgotten all the animals are
gigantic.
Ukyou: [to Ranma] How are we gonna catch giant reindeer?
Ranma-DJ: We'll improvise.
Ukyou: In other words, you have no idea?
Akane: Well, if we get a really big one, we can just feed it the
corn and just fly back to Tokyo.
Ranma-DJ: Maybe we can dress Shinnosuke up as Santa...all
reindeer obey him, right?
Akane: He's not the god of reindeer, Ranma.
Ukyou: [teasing voice] Maybe they'll be Monkees fans, Ranchan.
Ranma-DJ: I ain't singing the Last Train to Clarksville for
anyone.
*****************
[We see Ranma-DJ tied to a tree, singing 'The Last Train to
Clarksville'. Everyone else is lurking off behind various trees.]
Ranma-DJ: [thinking] If I just think of this as Martial Karaoke,
maybe I won't go mad.
[Animals begin to flock out of the forest, gathering around him,
listening and swaying to the music.]
Akane: [mutters] I can't believe this is actually working.
[looks over at Ukyou, who is also swaying to the music] Then
again, this could explain a few things.
**************
[We see Happousai, still trapped in a woman's body (Brought to
you by Instant Jyusenkyo Mix (TM)), and Herb, both chained up in
a cell. Herb has his eyes closed, and has somehow gotten one
foot behind his head, despite all limbs being chained.]
Onna-Happousai: Got an itch?
Herb: Despite being a disgusting wretch, surely you can
recognize what I'm doing.
Onna-Happousai: The eighth Lotus Sutra?
Herb: I learned this from Harry Houdini.
Onna-Happousai: I never stu...hey, he died before you were born!
Herb: Did you really think the afterlife could hold him?
Onna-Happousai: You mean to tell me that...
Herb: This is a chi technique for escaping bonds.
Onna-Happousai: [begins contorting around, trying to imitate
him] How do I do it?
Herb: First, put your foot behind your head.
[Soon, Onna-Happousai is tangled up in her chains, hanging
upside down from the ceiling, like the tarot card, the Hanged
Man. She does have her right foot behind her head.]
Herb: Your left foot.
[Soon Onna-Happousai is folded into a chain pretzel.]
Herb: Now put your left foot out.
[With more thrashing, she manages to extend her left leg. Both
her arms are now trapped behind her back.]
Onna-Happousai: Urgle. Now what?
Herb: Now shake it all about.
Onna-Happousai: I feel like I've done this before. [shakes her
foot]
Herb: A past life, perhaps. Now put your right foot behind your
head. [thinking] Right foot in, right foot out, then turn about
and do the Hokey Pokey...if I irritate her too much she might
break free. I should be focusing my chi, but I deserve some
amusement.
***************
[We see Ukyou, Ranma-DJ, Shinnosuke, Akane, and Hitomi
clinging to the top back of a sixty foot long reindeer, which is
flying over the ocean. Ukyou is trying to steer with her feet.
Given that it is too broad for her to put her legs on both sides
of it at the same time, this isn't easy. In fact, it's completely
ignoring her.]
Ukyou: LEFT! Go LEFT!
Ranma-DJ: Where is this thing going?
Hitomi: New York City, to lay waste to it and nest.
Shinnosuke: Reindeer don't nest.
Akane: How would it know where New York City is, anyway?
Hitomi: Ask Godzilla.
**************
[We see Kirin's castle dungeon. Happousai is asleep. Herb is
still meditating.]
Herb: Blast it, why can't I focus my chi to get out of these
stupid chains?
Benten: [sticks her head into the little cell window to look in]
We used special chi draining chains, of course. Otherwise you
could just blow a hole in the wall and walk out. We couldn't
hold you, otherwise.
Herb: Where did you get chains that drain chi?
Benten: You can find just about anything on the Internet these
days.
***********
[We see Nabiki and Ryouga at the LA airport, waiting to pick up
Ryouga's mom.]
Nabiki: What is your mother like?
Ryouga: Very well organized. Heavily armed. Very sweet,
except when she punches you through a wall, then leaps onto
your head and begins using her family's secret technique on you.
Nabiki: What, a death noogie?
Ryouga: You've seen it?
Announcer: Flight 546 has now arrived. Unloading at gate 54.
[We see our hero and heroine are at gate 34]
Nabiki: Shouldn't we be at gate 54 then?
Ryouga: [shakes his head] Nope.
[A tall woman with long black hair and a stout figure walks out
of gate 34, despite there being no plane connected to the gate.
She is dressed in solid blue, except for a green and red
headband, and her clothing is similar to Ryouga's usual outfit.
She sees Ryouga and runs over to him.]
Woman: Ryouga-kun! It's been so long! [hugs him tightly]
Ryouga: [smiles] Hi, Mom. Nabiki, this is my mom, Ryoko
Hibiki. Mom, this is my...my girlfriend, Nabiki Tendo.
Ryoko: [hugs Nabiki to where she can barely breathe] It's nice
to meet you!
Nabiki: Nice...urk...to meet...urgle...you too.
Ryoko: So where's your father?
Nabiki: Tokyo.
Ryouga: He's at the condo, Mom.
Ryoko: [takes Nabiki by the arm] You'd better guide us so this
family reunion doesn't take months.
Nabiki: [laughs a little] Quite.
************
[We see the giant reindeer sink down onto a mountain as the sun
sets. It wanders over to some trees and starts eating them,
then flops over, asleep. Our gang leaps off just in time to avoid
a squashing.]
Ranma-DJ: I guess we camp here for the night.
[They soon set up their camp, a circle of sleeping bags around a
small fire. Dinner is sandwiches. Hitomi clonks out shortly
after dinner, Ranma-DJ and Akane go off together and talk
quietly, and Ukyou wanders off to do some exploring. To her
surprise, after circling around, she finds Shinnosuke off by
himself, sitting on a rock, looking up at the stars.]
Shinnosuke: [blinks] Do I know you? [looks around] Where am
I?
Ukyou: [thinking] No wonder Hitomi is so irritable. Still, he is
a nice guy, despite having a brain like a sieve. [speaking] Your
name is Shinnosuke. You're in China. You're on a quest to help
us get Ranma back to normal.
Shinnosuke: [looks at Ukyou] Are you my mother?
Ukyou: [thinking] I'll beat Hitomi tomorrow. [speaking] No, I'm
Kuonji Ukyou.
Shinnosuke: You're really pretty.
Ukyou: [blushes] Why, I'm not that cute.
Shinnosuke: [looks up at the stars] Not as cute as Akane, but
really cute.
Ukyou: [twitches, thinking] Does EVERYONE fall in love with
Akane? Then again, everyone falls in love with Ranchan too.
[sighs]
Shinnosuke: What's wrong?
Ukyou: I just can't understand why everyone...nothing. Nothing
at all. [sits down by Shinnosuke] So how long have you had a
crush on Akane?
Shinnosuke: I can't remember. Since she came to Ryugenzawa a
few...um, whenever that was.
Ukyou: Why is your memory so bad?
Shinnosuke: Dad angered a kami, then tried to claim he didn't
remember doing it, so she cursed him to never remember
anything. The curse is hereditary, but it gets weaker with each
generation. That's how Dad died.
Ukyou: How?
Shinnosuke: He forgot about the traps we set for the animals,
and one of them killed him. [sighs] It's one of the few things I
never forget. [sighs] I can't even remember if I ever told Akane
I love her.
Ukyou: It's too late now.
Shinnosuke: She loves Ranma. I know. I can remember that too.
[stares up at the stars]
Ukyou: [quietly] And Ranma loves her.
Shinnosuke: And you love him.
Ukyou: [jumps] How...did you know that?
Shinnosuke: It's obvious. My memory is bad, but I'm not blind.
[turns to Ukyou] Don't worry. You'll find someone.
Ukyou: Well, there is this other guy, but Ranchan really doesn't
trust him. I think he's just...
Shinnosuke: Jealous. Yeah, sometimes people are like that.
They don't want you, but they don't want anyone else to have
you either.
Ukyou: [swiftly] Ranchan's not like that!
Shinnosuke: You sure of that?
Ukyou: [sighs] No. Do you resent Ranma, Shinnosuke?
Shinnosuke: Life is too short to resent your rivals, Ukyou.
[pauses] It also requires you remember them. I'll probably
forget Ranma even exists if I go too long without seeing him.
[sighs] I'd live alone forever if it got me my memories back. Be
glad you have memories of good times with him, Ukyou.
Ukyou: How do you know we had good times?
Shinnosuke: I've watched you two together. I barely remember
any of it, but the way you two act...I know there have to have
been good times. I know I've had good times, even if I've
forgotten most of them.
Ukyou: Yeah, we have had a lot of fun together.
Shinnosuke: Then remember that. I'm sure someone as pretty
as you will find someone new easily if you just set your mind
to it.
Ukyou: [blushes again] You really think I'm pretty?
Shinnosuke: [looks up at the stars] Your eyes shine like the
stars, your teeth glisten like the Milky Way, your...[trails off]
Ukyou: [a little excited] Go on.
Shinnosuke: [starts] Ukyou? When did you get here?
Ukyou: [bangs her head against a tree]
*************
[We see Nabiki and Ryouga's mom relaxing in the Hibiki family
condo.]
Nabiki: [looks around nervously] Are you SURE we can let them
out of our sight?
Ryoko: Don't worry. That guide dog and cat we got are really
smart. They'll keep them out of trouble.
Nabiki: Did you really have to pass a set of tests to marry Mr.
Hibiki?
Ryoko: [laughs] Did he tell you the story about how his
ancestor killed seven giants? Pierre Hibiqui?
Nabiki: [blinks] What?
Ryoko: Ken likes to tell these incredibly wild stories, but he
steals almost all of them from various faerie tales he has
heard. He tried to tell my parents that his family got lost
because one of them looked at Amaterasu naked. [laughs]
Actually, there are tests, but no potential bride has ever passed
them. You're supposed to try, though.
Nabiki: [frowns slightly] Go on.
Ryoko: There's a sacred cave. The spirit who cursed the family
line to get lost all the time lives there. If you can beat him
best two out of three in the three tests, then he will release
the curse on the family. If you fail, then you get cursed just
like the rest of us. You don't HAVE to try it, but...
Nabiki: It's traditional.
Ryoko: No Hibiki can break the curse. And it has to be a bride,
because only women can find the sacred cave.
Nabiki: So did a woman in the family make the spirit angry?
Ryoko: No, a man did.
Nabiki: How did a man find its cave to anger it if only women
can find the cave?
Ryoko: No one knows.
Nabiki: And a woman can't lead a man to the cave?
Ryoko: We've never wanted to risk further angering it.
Nabiki: I'm going to have to think about this one.
***************
[We see our band of heroes and heroines, riding a giant reindeer,
zooming over the mountains. They crest a peak and Kirin's
castle comes into sight.]
Ranma-DJ: We made it!
Ukyou: Wow, that's big!
[The reindeer flies right past the castle and keeps going.]
Akane: WHOAH!
[Zoom. It speeds up.]
Hitomi: Umm...speed up?
[The Reindeer begins to trail streaks of color and generally
display the special effects of something about to hit warp
speed or enter hyperspace]
Shinnosuke: Well, it'll get hungry and have to land eventually.
Akane: That won't do us much good if we land in Jerusalem.
[The flying boat of the Seven Lucky Gods rises and speeds up,
soon matching them for speed]
Kirin: If you don't slow that thing down, you're going to attract
the attention of the Chinese Air Force or worse.
Ranma-DJ: We don't exactly know how to stop this thing!
Benten: Oh wow, it's one of the Monkees! I have all your
records!
Ranma-DJ: Well, I'll never make another if you don't SAVE us!
Kirin: [turns to the crew] Snag the reindeer with the anchor.
[Soon the anchor is secured in its horns. All this does is drag
the boat after the reindeer]
Kirin: Climb along the rope to our ship! We'll cut it loose!
[They all nervously clamber along the rope to the ship. Ranma-
DJ flops down exhausted afterwards.]
Kirin: Are you...Akane?
Akane: [kneeling by Ranma] Um, hi, Prince Kirin.
Kirin: So you dumped the Saotome boy for Davey Jones? Well,
he's a bit old for you, but still, a good choice.
Ranma-DJ: If I could move, I'd make you pay for that.
**************
[Our heroes and heroines are seating at a meeting table with
Kirin.]
Kirin: The problem is that there is no pool of drowned boy.
Ranma-DJ: WHAT?
Kirin: We can go ahead and unlock your curse so you turn back
and forth between Davy Jones and your normal body, though.
[sends a servitor to fetch the Musk Dynasty items]
Akane: There's a pool of drowned Davey Jones, but no pool of
drowned boy?
Kirin: That's exactly the problem. They're all pools that didn't
register a generic imprint, but rather turn you exactly into the
person that drowned there. You only get a generic pool like
drowned girl if the victim had weak chi. There's four other
pools that turn you into a woman, but each of those turns you
into a specific woman, instead of just making you become the
woman you would have been if you were a woman.
Akane: There has to be something we can do!
Ranma-DJ: Yeah, this Jones' guy's body sucks. [pauses] Wait...
Davey Jones isn't dead. How did a pool get his...imprint?
Kirin: Well, some of the pools don't have a curse yet, so I
suppose he drowned in one of them.
Ranma-DJ: But he isn't dead!
Kirin: Well, his career is. Maybe that counted.
Hitomi: [bangs her head on the table] Maybe he rose from the
dead.
Ukyou: Are you sure this really came from Jusenkyo and not
some special pool? Or maybe Davey Jones fell in this pool and
was curse locked and...
Hitomi: Maybe aliens built Jyusenkyo, and everyone who falls in
is slowly possessed by a virus that turns you into one of them
over a period of decades.
Shinnosuke: [scoots away from Ranma at the table] Urk.
Ukyou: Hitomi, if you don't have anything useful to say, please
be quiet. We're trying to be serious here.
Hitomi: Look, I'm only here to make sure Shinnosuke makes it
back home alive. I couldn't care less about your ex-boyfriend
and his stupid curse life. I couldn't care less about you making
pouty looks every time you see him with his fiancee. [voice
getting louder] Look, you people don't know jack diddley squat
about these curses, how they work, where they really came
from, or what they're for. [stands up] You play around with
magical artifacts with no real idea of their purpose or their
limits. How did you know the magic feedcorn wouldn't give out
over the ocean with a giant reindeer?
[Everyone looks uncomfortably at each other]
Ranma-DJ: But it didn't. [pauses] Santa said the feedcorn lasts
for a day.
Hitomi: Then there's a giant reindeer who is going to be
circling the Earth at lightspeed all day long! Given any thought
to what that's going to do to the weather? What if it gets
mistaken for a missile and starts world war 3?
Akane: I think you're exaggerating.
Hitomi: [thinking] If you actually THOUGHT that, it's the first
time any of you have THOUGHT since I met you! Look, before we
start pouring magic water on people's heads or drowning them
in wells, we have to think about the facts!
Akane: We don't have any facts.
Hitomi: Then we need to FIND SOME! [waves her arms about
hysterically, then takes a deep breath] Let's...let's try and go
over what we know. What exactly is our goal here?
Ranma-DJ: I want to get back to my natural body and not have
my curse. Or at least not have any forms that are pathetically
weak like this one.
Hitomi: Okay, that's a start. Now, you used to turn into a girl,
right?
Ranma-DJ: Right.
Hitomi: So if we used girl-drown water on you, then you'd be
back to your original status quo, right?
Kirin: If we unlock his current state, yes. Otherwise, the
Davey Jones body would become his natural state he reverts to
with hot water.
Hitomi: Are you sure of that?
Kirin: Well, we have Happousai in the basement. We could use
him for experiments.
Hitomi: Are you SURE there's no generic boy-drown pool at
Jyusenkyo?
Kirin: The Jyusenkyo Springs Mail Order company catalog
doesn't have any permanent boy-drown water. Just temporary
stuff. And it's pretty thorough.
Hitomi: But it doesn't actually SAY there's no such pool?
Akane: [starts] Wait! Happousai got turned young by some pool.
We could use that one!
Kirin: The pool of drowned young adult male has an age
element...those tend to mess you up.
Ukyou: There has to be a generic boy-drown pool. Herb's tribe...
Akane: [shakes her head] They made women, remember?
Ukyou: Ahah! You could use instant generic one-time boy
water, then lock it with the bucket!
Hitomi: Sounds reasonable.
Ranma-DJ: Let's find out.
**************
[We see a teenage girl with short black hair in a gi and an old
man, also in a gi, standing in front of the Tendo dojo.]
Old Man: This is the place. Once you crush him and his
disciples, the insult he gave to our family honor will be at an
end.
Girl: As if I cared. How do you even know he's here?
Old Man: I saw him get out of a taxi and go in.
Girl: When was that? The place looks shut up.
Old Man: A few days ago.
Girl: Let's get this over with. [knocks on the door. No answer]
Well, no one is home. [turns to go]
Old Man: He's hiding. He has to come out eventually. We'll wait.
Girl: I have school, you know.
Old Man: You're on summer break.
Girl: You call standing in front of an empty dojo Summer
Break? [sighs and sits down]
****************
[We see Ranma being splashed alternately by hot and cold
water. He remains in his normal male form through it all.]
Ranma: Okay, I think that's enough.
[They keep splashing him]
Ranma: That's enough!
[They stop.]
Akane: [runs over and hugs Ranma] Finally! [Ukyou splashes
both of them, and Akane is now thoroughly wet]
Ukyou: [laughs] Just making sure.
Akane: Ukyou! [chases her out of sight]
[We see Ranma dancing about, practicing a few moves]
Shinnosuke: Congratulations.
Ranma: Looks like everything is finally going my way.
******************
[Down in the dungeons]
Herb: [sung to the tune of the Cotton-Eye Joe] Swing your
partner round the floor, hit them in the head with a two-by-
four...
Onna-Happousai: [swings around in her chains] I'm getting
dizzy...I'm...feeling woozy...
Herb: Talking...like...Shatner?
Onna-Happousai: I can hear them...in my head...want to be free...
Herb: [blinks] What? [thinking] He's finally flipped.
Onna-Happousai: [eyes widen] Wait, you just tricked me into
doing the hokey pokey! While wrapped in chains!
Herb: That does about sum it up. We were working on the
Cotton-Eye Joe next, but it just isn't quite working right.
Onna-Happousai: And it's June...
Herb: Would you like to recap your life further or are you done
now?
Onna-Happousai: [sighs] Well, in about three minutes, we're
going to be piled in demons to the ceiling.
Herb: [laughs] I'm not that stupid, you know. Just because I
made a fool of you...
Onna-Happousai: I suppose selling my soul six times and using
the same trick contract on all six demon lords wasn't very
bright, but how was I supposed to know this would happen? I
mean, a contract where they can only come to collect when
I...anyway, I suggest you say your prayers.
Herb: [laughs] No demon lord in his right mind would sign a
contract where he only got your soul if you did the hokey-pokey
in June while wrapped in chains.
Onna-Happousai: I tricked them into signing a magic contract
where the real text is invisible until AFTER it's signed. I
bought them from this Barter guy...anyway, the seventh demon
lord was wise to me, and he wouldn't sign. But the first six
fell for it.
Herb: Then why aren't they here yet?
Onna-Happousai: I get five minutes to fret before they arrive.
Down to about 30 seconds now.
Herb: [nervously] Well, they'll just be coming for you.
Onna-Happousai: I also sold away the soul of anyone who was
around when they came for mine.
Herb: [big eyes] You can't do that!
Onna-Happousai: Well, if you're lucky, you may be killed by
collateral damage before they can take your soul.
Herb: Or unless I kill you before they arrive.
Onna-Happousai: Not much time left for that.
Herb: My chi techniques don't work on these chains, but I bet
they'll work on you...
[Six portals pop open and demons begin to pour out]
Demon #5: [a sixteen armed, five legged, three headed
monstrosity with armor plated skin, big blue teeth and seven
noses] Hmm. Neither of them look like Happousai.
Onna-Happousai: I'm female. Happousai is male.
Herb: That's Happousai under a curse!
Demon #3: [looks like Jim Morrison with fangs] That's what
they all say.
Herb: I'm going to kill you, Happousai.
Demon #5: Suicide won't save you now. You're coming with me.
Demon #3: He's coming with me!
Demon #2: [A huge blue Big Bird, dripping ichor, and chewing on
a demon that looks suspiciously like the Cookie Monster with
gangrene] Ohroeeijre! [spits out his meal] He's mine!
[The demons all draw weapons]
Herb: [thinking] Maybe Happousai will be killed in the
crossfire.
[One of the demons rips down the tangled mass of chains and
Onna-Happousai and hurls it at one of the other demons. It
misses, knocks down the door, and rolls off down the hallway
to safety]
Herb: [thinking] I swear I will destroy you for this, Happousai.
[gets clocked in the head by wildly swinging demons] Some day.
[passes out]
[End Chapter 8]
*****************
[We see Akemi and Gosunkugi in Mimi's living room. She is
delivering another lecture on magic while they take notes.]
Mimi: [pointing to a chalkboard with a pool cue] Now, rule #52
states that nothing can stand before the wrath of a woman with
a mallet, except maybe another woman with a mallet.
Akemi: [starts visibly] ...
Gosunkugi: Are you okay?
Akemi: Just having a flashback..wait, didn't we just do rule #7
before this?
Mimi: Yes. I'm just trying to confuse you.
[They both facefault.]
Aloysius: [from up on top of a bookcase where he was
drowsing] Rule #52 relates to rule #7. Right makes might.
Gosunkugi: Then why does Evil ever win?
Mimi: [sighs] Because of rule #8. Wrong also makes might.
Both relate to #1, in that it takes strength of will and clarity
of purpose to do magic, but you can have clarity of evil purpose
as well. However, rule #9 is even more important.
Gosunkugi: Which is?
Mimi: If you meet Buddha on the road, give him a bagel.
[Gosunkugi facefaults]
***************
Furinkan Summer #9
"Amazons in America.
Should we call the INS or the ASPCA?"
By John Biles
"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.
My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.
Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.
Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.
***************
[We see Kasumi at the florist.]
Kasumi: [walks over to the florist] Can you help me?
Florist: Is that a pickup line?
Kasumi: No, I don't own a pickup. [thinking] His English isn't
very good.
Florist: [blinks] Anyway, what can Honest Abe do for you?
Kasumi: Are you related to Shampoo?
Florist: What?
Kasumi: Anyway, I need to get some flowers to apologize to a
friend.
Florist: [nods knowingly] Having trouble with your boyfriend?
Kasumi: I don't have a boyfriend.
Florist: [looks concerned] That bad, huh? Well, I'm sure I can
find a good bouquet to show how much you want to get back
together.
Kasumi: [thinking] That sort of sounds right. I wish my English
was better. [speaking] We didn't exactly have a fight, but I
want to apologize and I think some flowers would help.
Florist: I think I know just the thing. Do you want to take it
with you or have it delivered?
Kasumi: Delivered, I think. We're supposed to go to the lake
after I leave here.
Florist: I know just the right thing. [smiles] Just give me the
address, okay?
Kasumi: Okay!
************
[We see Susan pacing back and forth, looking worried.]
Susan: Blast it, this lake trip would have been perfect for me
to further my orders, but I don't dare come near Kasumi until I
come up with a plan. I should have spontaneously combusted
from singing Joy to the World...She must be trying to lure me
into a false sense of security. [stops and stares into a mirror]
Hmm. Maybe it's just this mortal body protecting me. But I can
just barely use any magic at all while I'm in it.
[The doorbell rings. She answers it.]
Florist: I've got a delivery for you. [blinks] You're female?
Susan: [blinks] Should I not be?
Florist: [looks at the name on the card] Hmm. It does say
Susan... wouldn't have thought she was the type. [shrugs] Learn
something every day.
Susan: Huh?
[He hands her a bouquet of flowers]
Florist: These are from your ladyfriend. [thinking] No wonder
she didn't fall for my suave sophistication.
Susan: [reads the card, which is one of those soppy love cards.
It has Kasumi's name signed at the bottom] ...
Florist: She seems like a nice girl. Whatever she did, I don't
think it's worth holding a grudge against her. [thinks a moment]
So what do two women do in bed with each other, anyway?
Susan: [slams the door in his face] She...sent me a love card
and a bouquet of flowers? [goes and puts the flowers in a
vase] This has to be some kind of trick. Is she going to try to
seduce me? But...saints aren't supposed to seduce people! I'm
the one who is supposed to be seducing people! [pauses] She is
kinda cute, though. [pulls her hair] Aaaaa! Ever since she
showed up, my whole life is falling apart! If I don't stop her,
Desire is going to kill me. But I don't know what to do...
**************
[Kasumi, Susan, Ichi, Jeremy, Asrial, Phrank, Ricky, and
Jeremy's mother are at Lake Travis. Everyone is in bathing
suits. Phrank is, of course, eying all the females
appreciatively, while Jeremy, Asrial, and Ricky are swimming
in the lake. Ichi and Jeremy's mom are sunbathing, and Kasumi
is trying to talk to Susan.]
Kasumi: Did you get the flowers?
Susan: [twitches] Yes.
Kasumi: I just wanted to apologize for falling on you.
Susan: [nervously] Apology accepted.
Kasumi: C'mon, let's swim! [turns and runs down to the lake]
Susan: I bet she's turned it into holy water.
Phrank: [sidles over to her] Want me to put some suntan lotion
on your back?
Susan: [distracted] Sure.
Phrank: [freezes up, thinking] She said yes? What do I do now?
This never happened before.
*****************
[We see Kasumi and her friends at the beach. Lendo has shown
up with a motorboat and Ichi is waterskiing. Jeremy is also
skiing, but he is being pulled by Asrial, who is wearing a
jetpack. He is screaming as he whips about at high speed.
Kasumi is lazily doing the backstroke near the shore, while
Phrank stands on the shore, jumping up and down, and Susan
swims a bit deeper into the lake]
Kasumi: You'd better be careful or they may crash into you,
Susan.
Susan: I'll be FINE. [thinking] I'll just arrange for Jeremy to
crash into me and maybe snag a kiss while I'm at it.
Phrank: Let me try, Asrial!
[While Susan is focused on swimming out, Asrial brings Jeremy
around and lets him pass the skis to Phrank.]
Kasumi: [thinking] I love to swim. It's been so long since I've
gotten to do something this nice. [feels a twinge] Oh dear, I
think I feel trouble coming.
[There is a whoosh of air and Mimi, Akemi, and Gosunkugi
appear. All three are riding on broomsticks, however Akemi and
Gosunkugi are having problems. Alysious is perched on Mimi's
shoulder. Akemi crashes headfirst into the beach next to
Jeremy, while Gosunkugi takes off at high speed across the lake
low to the water.]
Gosunkugi: Whoa! Stop! Halten sie! Paren! AAAAAAA!!!!!!
[Phrank comes around a turn and sees Gosunkugi is coming right
at him]
Phrank: Asrial, HELP!!!!!
Asrial: [blinks] Hey! [whips Phrank around out of the flight
path, but he falls over and is now bouncing on the water. He
crashes right into Susan as she surfaces where she expected
Jeremy to be and they end up chest to chest, face to face, being
dragged across the water.]
Gosunkugi: LOOK OUT!
Ichi: [realizes she's about to be towed right into him] NINJA
JUMP! [somehow skips on the wave and flies over Gosunkugi,
who now barrels off towards the far shore]
Mimi: Brooms, return! [Gosunkugi's broom whips around and
heads back towards Mimi. Right into Ichi, who loses her grip on
the toe line and gets dragged along by the broom bouncing off
the water.]
Kasumi: [sees the tangled up Phrank and Susan sinking as
Phrank loses his hole on the tow rope] Oh my. [dives and goes
after them, pulling them back up to the surface, which isn't
easy] Are you okay?
Phrank: [who now has his face smooshed into Susan's breasts]
I feel great!
Susan: ACK! [mallets Phrank in the head. He goes limp.]
Ichi: [disentangles from the broom as it drags her across the
sand] HEY!
Mimi: Sorry about all this. We just wanted to come take a
little break. [hops off her broom and her usual dress turns into
a white and black striped one-piece] It's been a while since
I've been swimming.
Gosunkugi: [still clinging to his broom] May I let go now?
Mimi: Feel free.
[He thunks to the sand. Akemi runs over to him. Out in the lake,
Susan tosses Phrank to shore]
Kasumi: Are you okay? You didn't get any water in you?
Susan: [sighs] I'm fine. [thinking] What's your game? You
could have let me drown in this mortal body.
Kasumi: [hauls her to shore] I suggest you rest a while.
Jeremy: [runs over to Ichi] Are you okay?
Ichi: [hoists up onto Jeremy] I'm fine, Jeremy. [smiles]
[Asrial flies over to Gosunkugi]
Asrial: What do you think you're doing? You nearly killed half
of us!
Gosunkugi: [flinches] I'm sorry.
Akemi: We're still learning.
Mimi: I'm sorry, Asrial. We should have just walked.
Jeremy: Oh, Mimi, I want you to meet my new friend Susan who
I told you about. [sees Kasumi pulling her out of the water]
Hey, Susan, are you alright?
Mimi: [thinking] There's something odd about her aura, like a
more powerful being masking itself. [frowns]
Susan: [thinking] An Earth Witch. And two apprentices. This
day just gets better and better.
Phrank: [thinking] I bet Mimi would look good in a bikini.
************
[Time has passed. Asrial is sunbathing, while Ichi is
waterskiing again with Lendo's boat. Jeremy, Akemi, Susan,
and Gosunkugi are swimming about idly while Kasumi is
chatting with Mimi and Phrank.]
Phrank: I STILL think you'd look better in a bikini, Mimi.
Mimi: [blushes a little] I couldn't wear something like that.
Kasumi: Well, it's a moot question since she doesn't have one
with her, right?
Phrank: Didn't you see her magic up her bathing suit? I bet she
could magic one up!
Mimi: [tries to ignore Phrank] So how are you liking your trip,
Kasumi?
Kasumi: [stretches idly] It's been wonderful. I haven't had a
real vacation in years. We go on trips and vacations and so on,
but I haven't been able to just totally relax and forget all my
problems like this since I was in high school.
Mimi: I can appreciate that. A witch's work is never done.
Kasumi: At least you have magical powers to help you out. You
wouldn't believe how many times a week I have to fix roof
damage.
Aloysius: [looking around at the various people] Yes, we would,
actually.
*************
[We see a hill overlooking the lake. The Amazon Attack Squad
(Shampoo, Cologne, Shelf (Cologne's husband), Towelbar (a 12
year old amazon), Showercap (Mousse's great-great-great-aunt.
Makes Cologne look like a spring chicken) and Mousse) is
watching the party with binoculars.]
Showercap: What are we waiting for? They look pathetic.
Shelf: You thought the Japanese bombers were pathetic before
they blew up your house too.
Showercap: And then I blew them out of the sky.
Shelf: And a plane fragment fell on your head, nearly killing
you.
Showercap: But I lived through it. Anyway, these are people,
not bombers.
Cologne: [still looking through binoculars] The woman is an
Earth witch, and the Japanese girl is from the Ichinohei ninja
clan. The boy with the boat is the son of the head of the Lendo
Zaibatsu and has a private army. And an airforce. The blonde
girl is an alien princess. She could conceivably arrange for our
village to be nuked from orbit. Best we wait. I doubt they all
live together.
Showercap: Hrmph. Young people are cowards.
Cologne: I'm hardly a young person.
Showercap: You are now, little miss 'permanent spring of
drowned girl'. Pretty soon, you're going to be the little airhead
you were when you were young!
Cologne: I am NOT an airhead. [turns and pouts]
Shelf: [frowns] Do not speak ill of my wife.
Showercap: Even YOU know what's happening, Shelf. I heard you
talking about it. We'd ALL be young if those pools were safe.
Jyusenkyo gives you power and can grant many wishes, but
there's always a price. I'll take old age and KEEP my
competence, thank you.
Shelf: [thinking] I know. Me too. Oh, Cologne... [sighs]
***********
[We see the front porch of Mimi's house. Alyosius is half asleep
on the porch swing. We can hear showering noises from inside
the house.]
Aloysius: What a wonderfully lazy day.
[A blue female cat saunters out of a nearby bush and purrs at
Aloysius, who snaps fully awake.]
Aloysius: Hey, you're cute! You new around here?
[The cat purrs suggestively and smiles. He hops down to her.]
Aloysius: Need someone to show you the sights?
[The blue cat nods.]
Aloysius: Just follow me! [starts off down the street with the
blue cat following. As they pass some trees, the Amazon Army
leaps down and scoops him up in a net. Towelbar dumps hot
water on the blue cat, which is revealed to be Shampoo, who is
now covered in blue dye and looks like she should call herself
Violent Smurf. The following conversation is in Chinese.]
Shampoo: Iya. Got any dye remover?
Showercap: If you bathe in sake, the stuff comes right off.
Shelf: Only you would think to bathe in sake, Showercap.
Shampoo: Thank you, elder. I'll try that later. So what are we
going to do with the cat?
Cologne: It's her familiar. With him properly sealed, her
ability to use her powers will be greatly reduced. [slaps a
character covered strip of paper on Aloysius]
Shampoo: Now we storm the house?
Shelf: First we demand they surrender.
Showercap: HEY! SURRENDER! [pause] Looks like we use force.
[sprints off towards the house]
Shelf: SHOWERCAP! YOU IDIOT! [runs after her. Soon, the
whole Amazon Army is charging full tilt]
**************
[Inside the house, Akemi is just stepping out of the shower
when Showercap charges in.]
Showercap: [in Japanese] Ahah! The witch! We have your cat!
Akemi: [in Japanese] Hello? Do I know you?
Showercap: We have your cat!
Akemi: But I don't have one.
Showercap: Because we have it!
Akemi: I don't own a cat. [tries to tie her towel in place so she
doesn't have to hold it]
Showercap: You can't fool me! I was lying before you were
born!
Akemi: I'm thousands of years old.
Showercap: NO WAY!
Akemi: You're an Amazon, right?
Showercap: I am Showercap, A High Matriarch of the Chinese
Village of the Amazons. And you are Mimi Masters, the Earth
Witch.
Akemi: No, I'm Akemi, an ex-tulpa. I'm Gosunkugi's familiar,
not a witch.
Showercap: [bops her on the head with a thrown sake bottle]
Even better. Now we have BOTH THE FAMILIARS! AHAHAHAH!
[starts to cough] Feh, I hate getting old, sometimes.
*************
[We see Shampoo in the doorway of one of the guest rooms.
Gosunkugi is sitting at a small table, reading a book. His water
pistol is sitting on the table near him.]
Gosunkugi: [reading out loud] Chapter 5: How to cook sphagetti
with pyramid power.
Shampoo: Drop the book or the familiar gets it! [holds up
Aloysius]
Gosunkugi: [blinks] What are you doing here?
Shampoo: We have your father, so you'd better give up now!
Shampoo is angry because you gave Shampoo Mousse's blindness!
Gosunkugi: [shocked] You...kidnapped my father?
Shampoo: We not hurt your father. Yet. But you'd better
cooperate and cure Shampoo!
Gosunkugi: [frowns] I'd have been happy to help you, but now
you've made me mad!
Shampoo: Shampoo more afraid of this familiar than of you. At
least it has claws.
Gosunkugi: [angrily, picking up the water pistol] You're going
to take me to my Dad!
Shampoo: [laughs] Shampoo know Amazon bullet reflecting
techniques. [shows off the bracers she is wearing] Shampoo
watch every episode of Wonder Woman. Go ahead and shoot, but
then Shampoo splat you flat.
Gosunkugi: [smiles faintly] Bang. [pulls the trigger and
Shampoo raises her wrists to block. However, this is a WATER
pistol. Instant Shampoo-neko. She drops Aloysius, who sprints
over to Gosunkugi, who pulls the spirit strip off of him.
Shampoo turns to flee, but she has lost her glasses when she
transformed, and she bangs into the wall instead of the door.
Gosunkugi grabs the blanket off his bed and pins her, then
scoops her up and ties the blanket shut.] Get Mimi!
[We hear sounds of battle in the distance]
Aloysius: Looks like someone else got her first.
******************
[Mimi's living room is a disaster area, with furniture flung
everywhere. Mousse is now pinned under the couch in duck
form, and Towelbar is unconscious. Shelf and Cologne have
trapped Mimi in the corner. She is holding her broom like a
staff.]
Mimi: [thinking] My magic isn't working very well. They must
have done something to Aloysius. I wish I spoke more Chinese.
I can't understand anything they say, and my Japanese isn't very
good if I can't use magic, either. [speaking] Get back!
Shelf: [frowning, tries French] Do you speak French?
Mimi: [tries Elven] Do you speak Elven?
Cologne: [holds her staff to Mimi's nose, in Chinese] Do you
speak 'beating'?
Shelf: Restrain yourself! She's not the one we want, anyway.
Gosunkugi: [steps in carrying the cat carrier, which is stuffed
full of blanket and Shampoo-neko. Aloysius is on his shoulder.]
I'm the one you want. And you can forget about it. I want my
father, or I'll give Shampoo to the Animal Control people.
Cologne: [turns] Boy, you'll never make it to the animal control
people. You're going to fix Shampoo's sight. Now.
Mimi: [begins whispering a spell, thinking] Just keep them
distracted.
Shelf: [clonks Mimi in the head] You need to learn to whisper
more quietly. [She collapses]
Showercap: [walks in with Akemi over her shoulder] I got
the...oh, there he is. Oh my, is that Shampoo the recently
elevated to adulthood through cheating now confined to a cat
carrier? It's about time.
Shampoo-neko: [hisses angrily]
Showercap: Boy, if the honor of the Amazons wasn't involved,
I'd have to reward you for making my day. [pauses] So how did
you get her in there?
Gosunkugi: I shot her with a water pistol, wrapped her in a
blanket, and stuffed her in.
Showercap: [puts her hands on her hips and cackles, dropping
Akemi in the process] So you beat her in battle?
Gosunkugi: AKEMI!
Cologne: Showercap, if you...
Showercap: Congratulations! You two will make a fine couple.
Gosunkugi: Couple?
Shelf: She's engaged to Ranma. It doesn't apply.
Showercap: BZZZZT. Thank YOU for playing. He rejected her for
that Tendo girl, which means the rule is back in force.
Cologne: We plan to fix that.
Showercap: And I plan to take this before the High Council.
Cologne: [wide eyed] You wouldn't dare!
Showercap: Since when have I not dared to do something?
Shelf: You haven't dared to stay sober more than 24 hours in a
row in centuries.
Showercap: Dare me.
Shelf: I dare you to stay sober for a month.
Showercap: Done! If I win, you have to be my slave for a month!
Shelf: If I win, you have to go sober for a YEAR.
[While they bicker, Gosunkugi slips out the door]
Gosunkugi: [thinking] I'd better go get help.
[The argument continues as he runs off]
***************
[The Feeple family is having dinner. There is a desperate
knocking on the door.]
Kasumi: I'll get it.
Mrs. Feeple: No, I'll take care of it. [goes to the door.
Gosunkugi is there, breathing heavily. Akemi is awake now,
breathing hard as well.] Did you run all the way here?
Gosunkugi: [breathing hard] Mimi...the Amazons...have her.
Mrs. Feeple: What?
Gosunkugi: Shampoo and Mousse and Cologne and...
Mrs. Feeple: You need some?
Gosunkugi: No, they have Mimi!
Mrs. Feeple: Don't you mean Mimi has them?
Gosunkugi: I am speaking in Japanese, right?
Mrs. Feeple: Yes.
Gosunkugi: Just checking. A band of Amazons named after
various bathroom products and items have captured Mimi and
they're after me. [waves the cat carrier] I captured one of
them.
Mrs. Feeple: Perhaps you'd best come in and lie down. [ushers
them in. Kasumi waves hello when they enter the dining room]
Kasumi: Hi!
Gosunkugi: Kasumi, the Amazons have Mimi.
Kasumi: Oh my. Why have they kidnapped her?
Gosunkugi: They kidnapped my dad to make me cure Shampoo's
bad sight.
Jeremy: [blinks] Mimi is your father?
Gosunkugi: [shakes his head] Let me start over.
***********
[War council at the Feeples. Ichi, Asrial, Jeremy, Jeremy's
mom, Gosunkugi, and Kasumi are assembled. Asrial is dressed
in her battle armor and Ichi is dudded up in her ninja gear.]
Gosunkugi: As far as I can tell, we're dealing with three
Amazon elders and Mousse. Plus someone probably is guarding
my dad somewhere. They've got Mimi and Akemi and Aloysius,
and we've got Shampoo.
Kasumi: So why did they attack you?
Gosunkugi: Well, I cured Mousse's bad sight, and now I know
why Shampoo's vision went bad at the same time. [sighs] I'd
never really thought about it. So they want revenge?
Kasumi: I don't suppose you could fix her sight and give her
back and they'd go away?
Gosunkugi: Amazons aren't too clear on this forgiveness thing.
Asrial: We can take them. [flexes] They can't possibly be
tougher than the Purple Pirates of Epsilon Alpha IV.
***************
[We see a battle royale at Mimi's house. Ichi is going toe to toe
with Mousse, who she keeps disarming, but who then simply
pulls another weapon. Jeremy's mom is duking it out with
Cologne, while Asrial slugs it out with Shelf. While Jeremy's
mom is holding her ground (barely), Asrial is getting her ass
kicked. Shelf is far too fast for her to successfully shoot him,
while he seems to easily be able to injure her with the two by
four he's using as a weapon. Kasumi is hidden behind a row of
bushes nearby with the kitty carrier (holding the hostage
Shampoo), while Jeremy and Gosunkugi have snuck into the
house]
Asrial: [pulls out a flamethrower and bakes Shelf's board to
ash] Taste the wrath of a Salusian of Imperial Birth!
Shelf: [leaps up and pokes her in the eyes with two fingers,
then slams her face into his knee when she winces and rubs
them, then grabs her by her 'panda' ears and slams her back and
forth] Tastes rather bland.
Jeremy's Mom: [knocks Cologne's staff away, then trips her and
puts a sword to her throat] You're good for a kid, but not good
enough. Don't make me hurt you.
Cologne: [begins to glow] How old do you think I am?
Jeremy's Mom: Hmm. Nineteen?
Cologne: Over three hundred. [stomps down with her foot by
Jeremy's Mom's feet] BREAKING POINT! [the ground explodes,
flinging Jeremy's Mom away. Cologne springs to her feet and
presses the assault] You're not bad yourself for someone under
forty. [thinking] Actually, she's really good. Or maybe Shelf is
right. Maybe my skills really are slipping from this youthening
thing...no, that can't be it.
***********
[Inside, we see Gosunkugi and Jeremy slipping through the
house, trying to be stealthy.]
Gosunkugi: I've got some mouse water we brought with us in
my bedroom. If we can get that, we can end this real quick.
Jeremy: You keep water that turns people into mice in your
bedroom?
Gosunkugi: Well, if we kept it in the fridge, I'd probably drink
it accidentally.
[they slip into his bedroom. As Jeremy shuts the door,
Towelbar, a twelve year old Amazon, quietly smacks Jeremy in
the head with her namesake. He slumps to the ground]
Gosunkugi: [picks up a tightly sealed thermos] Okay, I've got it.
[turns around] Uh oh.
[*KLONK!!!*]
***************
[We see Ichi leap over Mousse, and back kick him in the head,
then swiftly tie him up with his own chains.]
Ichi: Now THAT was a worthy fight. [turns to the other battles
and sees Asrial unconscious and Jeremy's mother hogtied] I
think this is going to be a little too worthy of a fight.
[thinking] Run, Kasumi, run.
Kasumi: [still watching from hiding] I need to do something to
help her, but I don't know anything about fighting...I guess
maybe I should have let Daddy teach me, but it just didn't seem
important, and there were dishes to wash and the floor needed
cleaning and...The police! I can call the police! [gets up and
scampers off, crouched down, carrying the kitty carrier]
*****************
[We see Kasumi at the Feeple house.]
Kasumi: [rattles the door] All the doors are locked! Ack!
[looks around] Ah! Susan's house. I can use her phone. [sprints
over and knocks hard]
Susan: [answers the door] Geez, hold your...What are YOU doing
here?
Kasumi: I need to use your phone.
Susan: Sorry, can't help you. [starts to shut the door]
Kasumi: [desperately] Please! The amazons have captured
everyone and they'll come for me next!
Susan: Not my problem.
[The door is almost completely shut.]
Kasumi: They've got Mimi and Gosunkugi and Akemi and Ichi and
Asrial and Jeremy and...
Susan: [opens the door a bit more] They have Jeremy?
Kasumi: [nods]
Susan: [frowns] Come in, but if you try anything tricky, I'll
destroy you.
Kasumi: [blinks] Oh my.
*************
[Kasumi is in Susan's kitchen, dialing desperately]
Kasumi: [pacing as the phone rings] Come on...come on...
[Someone picks up the line at the other end]
Skuld: Goddess Relief Office. Can I help you?
Kasumi: I'm sorry, wrong number. I wanted the Quagmire
Police Department.
Skuld: What did you want for them?
Kasumi: [blinks] I need to talk to them.
Skuld: All of them at once?
Kasumi: I dialed the emergency number and...
Skuld: Oh, well, America has a different emergency number.
911-is-a-joke. [thinking] I think that's right. Or was that a
song I heard...
Kasumi: Oh, no wonder I got someone who speaks Japanese!
Right. Thank you. [hangs up and dials again]
[Ring. Ring. Ring.]
Voice: Toon Emergency Hotline. Can I help you?
Kasumi: My friends have been kidnapped by Amazons! Can you
connect me to the police?
Voice: No problem. Please hold.
[Ring. Ring. Ring.]
Male Voice: Hello?
Kasumi: Is this the Quagmire Police Department?
Male Voice: This is Sting. I used to belong to a band called the
Police, but I think you have a wrong number.
Kasumi: Any chance of a reunion tour?
Sting: Not any time soon. But we'll see.
Kasumi: Okay. Have a nice day! [hangs up] Is something wrong
with this phone?
Susan: Is it not running thousands of volts of electricity
through you?
Kasumi: Would that make me feel somewhat aggravated?
Susan: It's broken. Try dialing 337473. [grins]
Kasumi: Okay. [she dials the number. The air hums and an
androgynous being with short red hair appears. It is Desire.]
Desire: I understand you really WANT some help.
Kasumi: [nods] My friends have been captured by the Amazons
and it's all an awful mess. [thinking] There's something
just...wrong about this woman. It is a woman, right?
Desire: I can help you. I only require two things of you. First,
you must tell no one about this deal or anything you learn in
this house.
Kasumi: Okay. I won't tell anyone.
Desire: The second price is that when you return to Japan, you
must seduce Dr. Tofu. As blatantly as possible.
Kasumi: [gulps] Oh my. [pauses] Who ARE you, anyway?
Desire: I am Desire. I like to give people what they want. But
in return, I like to get what I want.
Kasumi: And what do you want?
Desire: I want people to want. To desire things. To follow
their wants wherever they may lead. All I ask of you is that
you do what you really want to do. You love him, don't you?
Kasumi: [tinysweats] Y...yes. [thinking] It seems like a small
cost, but...there's something about this woman...she just...creeps
me out. [speaking] And what...exactly will you do for me if I do
this?
Desire: I will turn your enemies against each other, enabling
your friends to escape and overcome them. They are divided and
at cross-purposes. Shampoo hates Mousse. Mousse hates
Cologne. Shelf hates Showercap. Showercap hates just about
everyone. And they all want things they can't have. It's so
delicious I can barely stand it. I like them.
Kasumi: [slowly] But you'll help me against them, even though
you like them?
Desire: They cannot escape my power, even if I turn against
them. [pauses] Do you want to save your friends?
Kasumi: I don't know what you are, but I don't like you. I can't
take help from someone who would hurt someone they like.
[turns to Susan] Do you think you can show me the way to the
police department?
Susan: [nervously] Um, well, I...
[Desire is glaring at her]
Susan: I can't.
Kasumi: Why?
Susan: I...um...sort of work for Desire. And I really can't afford
to get fired.
Kasumi: Why?
Susan: She owns my soul.
Kasumi: [frowns] What?
Susan: [thinking] Me and my big mouth. [speaking] I was
desperate and I had to make a deal like the one she wanted to
make with you, but I had to pay a higher price because I needed
a bigger favor.
Kasumi: [turns to Desire] Give her her soul back.
Desire: [laughs] And who are you to make demands of me? I
was old when your ancestors came over from Korea and
massacred the Ainu, then forgot where they had come from. I
was old when the Ainu crossed the frozen strait from Korea
themselves. I was old when the first human got this far north
and was stunned to see it snow during the winter and wanted
somewhere warm to stay. I cut him a good deal, of course.
Kasumi: Souls are not commodities. You can't buy and sell
them. No price you could pay would be worth the value of a
human soul. [advances on Desire] Give her back her soul. I'm
sure her service has been worth far more to you than what you
paid for it.
Desire: If she wasn't incompetent, I might agree with you.
Susan: I'm not human, Kasumi.
Kasumi: It doesn't matter. Every soul is more valuable than any
price that can be paid for it.
Susan: [quietly] I'm a demon. They kicked me out of hell and I
had one day to find another employer or cease to exist. Desire
was the only one who would take me.
Desire: I needed a court jester.
Susan: [sighs] I'm just not any good at tempting people. I
should have stayed with cataloging souls, but no...I wanted
advancement. I wanted more power. I wanted...
Desire: And that's why I've kept you alive. You're a flop at
anything but wanting. And I LIKE desire.
Kasumi: [puts a hand on Susan's shoulder] Maybe you weren't
meant to be a demon, then. I think you were meant for better
things.
Susan: There is no going back for us. Once fallen, twice shy.
[pauses] No, that's not right. [stares at the ground] This is my
last chance and only hope.
Kasumi: There's always hope, and always forgiveness.
Susan: [faintly] Not for demons.
Kasumi: But you're not a demon any more. They kicked you out.
You're just a spirit now.
Desire: [flatly] She's a demon.
Kasumi: [pulls out a small vial of water and pours it on Susan's
head. Nothing happens.] No she isn't.
Desire: [blinks]
Susan: Hey!
Kasumi: That was holy water. She should be screaming if she
was a demon.
Desire: She...um...mortal flesh...yeah, that's it. She's in a body
of...
Susan: [blinking] That was holy water...but it didn't feel bad...in
fact, it felt kinda good...[turns to Desire and frowns] You lied to
me.
Desire: Get over it. I still own your soul.
Susan: [angrily] I have had enough of you! Contract REVOKED!
I'll take my chances!
Desire: No one can revoke a contract with me.
Susan: Bite me. [turns to Kasumi] Let's go find the cops.
Desire: You are NOT leaving. You are MINE. And I keep what is
mine. [gestures and the carpet bunches up around Susan's feet,
pinning her in place. Desire begins to advance on her.]
Kasumi: Stop it! You can't have her!
Desire: [closing in] I suggest you run while you still can. I
have to punish this insolent whelp.
Kasumi: [steps toward Desire] I suggest YOU get out. You're
not WANTED here.
Desire: Only one man was ever able to resist my power, and
you're not him.
Susan: Well, another one came pretty close, and he did teach a
lot of other people how to tell you to bug off. Heck, you botched
the job with Emperor Norton and that Francis guy and...you
know, when I think about it, you've screwed up a lot. [sticks
out her tongue at Desire while struggling to get free]
Kasumi: [grabs a handy frying pan and advances on Desire] Get
back! I...know Kitchen Fu!
Desire: [pauses and laughs] How amusing.
Kasumi: [squeezes her eyes shut, charges forward, and clonks
Desire in the head with the frying pan] Go back to HELL!
[Desire blinks, falls down, then evaporates]
Susan: ...
Kasumi: [opens her eyes] Did it work?
Susan: You banished Desire.
Kasumi: Back to Hell?
Susan: She doesn't live in Hell. She's not a demon. She's one of
the Endless.
Kasumi: The what?
Susan: The Endless are a group of seven...umm...sort of
personifications of abstract concepts.
Kasumi: Typical anthropomorphic gods?
Susan: They get mad when you call them that. Anyway, there's
Death, Delirium, Desire, Despair, Dream, Destruction, and
Destiny. I've heard rumors of an eighth one called Donuts, but
they get mad when you ask them about him too.
Kasumi: So now what do we do?
Susan: Hmm. Amazons. From South America?
Kasumi: From China.
Susan: You think they have visas?
Kasumi: They don't normally carry credit cards.
**************
[We see the Amazons and their captives. Everyone is tied up
except Gosunkugi, who has a bunch of weapons pointed at him.]
Cologne: Now you will fix Shampoo's sight.
Gosunkugi: I kinda need to have Shampoo here to do that.
Shelf: Showercap should find her soon.
Cologne: [blinks] You sent SHOWERCAP to find her?
Shelf: I asked you, but you wanted to stay and make sure
Gosunkugi didn't escape, and Showercap was just tearing up the
house looking for beer, anyway.
Cologne: [turns to go] I'll find her.
[Sirens sound outside.]
Voice: [though megaphone, in Chinese, English, Spanish, and
Esperanto] This is the INS. Drop your weapons and come out
with your hands up!
Cologne: The what?
Voice: [though megaphone, repeated in all four languages] The
Immigration and Naturalization Service. We're here to deport
you illegal aliens.
Cologne: [shouts] How did you hear me through the walls?
Voice: One of our ninjas is behind you and radioed me.
Cologne: [spins around and sees thirty ninjas behind her in
classic ninja garb, each hiding behind the other and the front
one hidden in her shadow. They are all wearing INS armbands]
Not bad. But not good enough! We have host... [sees more ninjas
carrying all the hostages out the window] HEY!
Voice: Surrender now, or we bombard the house with Barry
Manilou at 200 decibels.
Shelf: Hmm. Honorable suicide...Barry Manilou. Honorable
suicide...Barry Manilou...
Mousse: We could try bursting our eardrums.
Voice: You'll feel the vibrations through your feet. [turns on
Copacabana]
Mousse: [as he collapses] And they call US cruel.
***********
[Victory party at the Feeples. Everyone and their dog is there.]
Jeremy's Mom: [hugs Kasumi] Thank you for saving us.
Kasumi: [blushes] It was Susan's idea. I had no idea what to
do, except maybe call the cops.
Jeremy: [squeezes Susan's hand] Thank you for saving us.
Susan: [blushes] You're welcome. It was nothing. [notices
Asrial and Ichi watching her and lets go of Jeremy's hand]
Better give your ladies some attention.
Jeremy: [laughs nervously] Yeah.
[Suddenly, all falls silent as the front door opens and
Showercap strides in, and points at Kasumi.]
Showercap: YOU!
[Silence.]
Showercap: You're as cunning as Cologne said.
Ichi: [draws her sword] You can't take all of us.
Kasumi: Me? Cunning? I just did what I could.
Showercap: And humble too. Damn, I wish you were one of us
so I'd have someone sensible to talk to. [turns to Gosunkugi]
Best prepare yourself, boy. There's a wedding in your future.
[grins] Cologne's going to scream her head off.
Gosunkugi: I'm NOT gonna marry Shampoo.
Akemi: Yeah! He's gonna marry me! [blinks, then blushes]
Gosunkugi: [blushes]
Showercap: Anyway, I've got to go home and gloat over
Kasumi's little victory. [pauses] And the best part is that you
didn't even do anything directly, so they can't give you the kiss
of death. [thinks a moment] Hmm. I wonder if I can use this to
force Cologne to marry one of those INS ninjas since
they...[turns to go] Have a nice day! I know I have! [runs off]
Kasumi: What a strange woman.
Ricky Feeple: Was that a woman? I thought it was a living
troll doll.
[The front door flies open and a bottle of shampoo ricochets off
his head, knocking him out.]
Showercap: [shouted from a distance] I heard that!
************
[We see Gosunkugi in Mimi's library, pouring through books with
Akemi. Mimi walks in.]
Mimi: What are you working on?
Gosunkugi: Trying to figure out some way to cure Shampoo
without having to come near her.
Mimi: [sits down] And why are you going to cure her sight after
what she did to you?
Akemi: Maybe she'll back off if we do this.
Gosunkugi: Because it's my fault she can't see. And I want to
make sure this time I don't shunt her bad sight onto someone
else. [sighs] Do you have this much trouble with your magic,
Mimi?
Mimi: Law #4: Magic has exaggerated consequences. Every act
of magic transforms the entire universe, not just what you
change. It's like trying to fix a car while it's in motion. That's
why we have to be careful about our use of magic, because it
can have consequences we didn't intend.
Akemi: [quietly] Desire is after me.
Gosunkugi: [fiercely, though Gosunkugi being fierce wouldn't
scare a mouse] I won't let her have you.
Akemi: This is just the beginning. [sighs] Am I...I mean...it
seems like I just cause trouble for you in every life we have
together.
Gosunkugi: [blinks] We've met in past lives?
Akemi: [blinks] I guess you don't remember them like I do.
Gosunkugi: You never told me about this.
Akemi: It all started thousands of years ago...
[Cue flashback to the sequence from an earlier episode where
Desire explained why she is out to get them.]
**********
[We see Kasumi and Ichi sunbathing in the backyard of the
Feeple house.]
Ichi: I'm sorry about this whole mess happening during your
vacation here.
Kasumi: I'm used to it. I haven't gone three days without
seeing at least one all out fight in over a year. At least your
house didn't get levelled like ours usually does. [rolls over onto
her chest and unstraps her top so her back will tan evenly]
Ichi: We need to do something fun. You came all this way...how
about I take you down to Austin and show you around? There's
some cool stuff to see and we could go dancing on Sixth Street.
Kasumi: I haven't been dancing in months. [smiles] That would
be fun. Don't forget to ask Jeremy to come with you.
Ichi: [grins] We'll have to find you a date too, then.
Kasumi: [blushes] I...uh...
Ichi: Too bad your Dr. Tofu friend isn't here.
Kasumi: [blushes more] That would be nice.
Ichi: You know, if you wait forever for him to make the first
move, it could never happen. You've got to be more agressive.
Kasumi: But I'm not agressive. Hitting Desire was the first
time I've even hit anyone in maybe...five years.
Ichi: [sits up] That was pretty brave of you.
Kasumi: [quietly] I had to do something. She was...She was
just...horrid. And I was desperate and scared and...[shudders] I
shouldn't have had to hit her. There had to be another way.
Ichi: Sometimes you have to fight. If someone is beating you
up or someone you care about, you may not have a choice.
Kasumi: I don't like fighting. That's why I never learned any
martial arts, even though Daddy wanted to teach me. Well, I
learned a tiny bit, but I hardly remember it.
Ichi: You beat up a goddess with a frying pan. [laughs] That
takes some kinda skill.
Kasumi: It was just too...too easy. I don't think the frying pan
did it.
Susan: [from nearby] You're a saint. That's why. She couldn't
stand against your purity.
Kasumi: [blushes] I'm no saint.
Susan: [walks over] They all say that. That's the most
annoying part, usually. [turns to Ichi] I'm sorry. Desire sent
me here to make trouble between you and Jeremy and Asrial,
and you didn't deserve that.
Ichi: [blinks]
Susan: I don't know what I'm going to do with myself now.
[sighs] I look like a teenager, and I don't even legally exist. I'm
not even sure why I haven't evaporated. Spirits without an
employer tend to go poof unless they have some supply of
power.
Kasumi: You're not a spirit anymore. You've got a body. All you
need is food.
Susan: [blinks] Hmm. That could be it. [pauses] I don't
suppose you'd like to have a disciple.
Kasumi: I'm not looking to start my own religion.
Susan: [sighs] Maybe Mimi can use an apprentice. [pauses]
Another apprentice. I have to do...something.
Ichi: How about lying out in the sun with us for a while?
Susan: Sounds good to me.
*************
[End Part 9]
John Walter Biles : MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu
rhea@tass.org http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/
"DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy,
and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70
million machines in use wordwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may
note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that
numbers alone do not denote a higher life form."
( New York Times, November 26, 1991)