Most insertion fics have the wrong premise: cool powers, otaku who, due 
to their knowledge of the series can fix things for everyone... c'mon, 
let's be realistic. You know what you'd really do if you got transported 
into an anime... you'd try to make it with some of the characters, 
wouldn't you? Of course, that's not necessarily such a good idea. 
Watch and learn!

Disclaimer: 
		El Hazard and the characters within are the creations/property of AIC and
are used without their permission. The 
characters of Michael Chen, David Eddy, Andrew Huang, Matthew Lewis, and 
Anand Rao are fictional; all similarities between them and persons 
living or dead are purely coincidental. These names were picked at random
and in no way represent anybody at all, especially not any authors you
might see or have seen on the FFML or anything like that.
	No, really, I mean it.... Do you really think that people act this 
way? Especially that Matt bastard, he's a real loon. I have nightmares 
about him sometimes....
(Aw, who am I kidding? I've never had a nightmare in my life....)
	I would also like to take this time to thank my pre-readers: Michael Chen,
David Eddy, Anand Rao and Andrew Huang, truly a great bunch of guys that I
wouldn't be ashamed of being seen hanging around with in public.

Warning: This fic has adults dealing with adult situations in a
particularly juvenile fashion.

So I suppose I should introduce the most-definitely-not-real-and 
certainly-not-fanfic-authors, don't you think?

Dramatis Personae--
(in no particular order)

1. David "I come from the land Down Under" Eddy
	-he's big, no, I mean really big, and he's smart, too
	-given that, do you think it's really that good an idea arguing  
	 with him?
	-doesn't wear "Kiss the Cook" aprons at bars, despite whatever 	 
	 rumours to the contrary
	Known for: Nekophobia and other things-- go to his webpage and 	
		have a look see

2. Anand "What the hell am I doin', drinking in L.A.?" Rao
	-not as big as Dave (although he does work out), he ranks in as
second tallest member of the group as well as the second oldest 
	-couldn't fidget or twitch more if he were a psycho who just 	 	 popped a
few caffeine pills
	-doesn't go around screaming "I always wanted to be dainty!"
	-got a good set of shoulders underneath that head of his
	 (wait! that didn't come out right for some reason....)
	Known for: obsessive devotion to Kasumi and Kasumi-ish 		
	characters... I mean, for the trilogy: Love and 		
	Marriage-- the Dangerous Path	(starts off with 
			Kasumi and Spice), among other things-- check out
			his web pages and have a look see

3. Andrew "Don't, don't, don't believe the hype!" Huang
	-favourite colour is not in fact two shades lighter than 	 	 	 chartreuse,
no matter what everyone else says
	-wears a black scarf
	-neither big nor small, he is able to hold his own in twitching 
	 and fidgeting contests with Anand, no mean feat
	-must be rich, because he's merely eccentric and not loony
	-walks dogs nude in the park, because he's against putting 	 	 	 clothes
on dogs	
	-able to use various accents at will (can keep up with Matt in 	 	 this,
although this is a voluntary action on his part)
	-likes to live dangerously, gives Mike sharp objects to play with
	Known for: Neon Genesis Evanjellydonut... and his computer, 	
		Oddzilla (Size! Does! Matter!) and some other stuff-- check 		out his web
page for a look see

4. Michael "It's a big enough umbrella/ But it's always me that ends up 
		getting wet" Chen
	-born on the dying planet Krypton, Kal-el was sent to earth, and  
	 raised by humans, and was named Michael Chen by his adoptive 	 
	 parents...  
	-not sure if he's immune to kryptonite or not
	-definitely doesn't hear voices telling him to do vile, 	 	 	 despicable,
horrible acts that would make Jack the Ripper blush
	-physically the smallest member of our insipid... I mean intrepid 
	 crew, he's also the most mild-mannered (although he's faster than 
	 a speeding bullet, able to leap tall buil-- okay! okay! I'll 	 
	 stop), we're sure he's going to snap, because it's always the 	 
	 quiet ones
	Known for: various Alternative Reality fics, the only real El 	
		Hazard lemon currently in existence, and for not really 
		completing a series-- saunter on over to his web page and 		have a look see

5. Matthew "Insane in the membrane (must be insane! got no brain!)" 		Lewis
	-rude, crude, and (accidentally) tattooed
	-sorta like that weird, infuriating, and yet somehow likeable
 	 friend you have (and you all have one), only moreso
	-of about the same age/height as Anand, he looks disturbingly,
disgustingly, normal and average
	-mostly harmless, which still means slightly harmful
	-trying to disprove the "it's always the quiet ones" theory
	-a technical bastard, although not technically a bastard
	-accent changes at variable intervals; combined with rapid-fire  
	 speech and a tendency towards not pronouncing every syllable make 
	 listening to him an auditory nightmare
	-doesn't wear white after Labour Day
	Known for: putting music references in quotation marks for the 	
		Dramatis Personae-- if you manage to check out his web 	
		page, you're suffering a hallucination or are 		
		delusional-- seek help



Now that you've had a chance to get to know the goon squad... er, the 
characters, some form of prologue or beginning is in order. You know 
the type, something extremely contrived and transparently obvious. 
Myself? I think I'll watch GuNHED....
  
	
	How did it begin? a good question, that. Most would agree that it 
all began with a letter, five letters to be precise. Five letters, all 
identical, all arriving at the (barring differences for time zones) 
same time-- yes, that is where we can trace the beginnings to. The letters
read:
	
	Congratulations!

You have won an all expense paid two week trip to Japan, with 300 000 
Yen spending money in traveller's cheques. You, along with four (4) 
other people, will be touring the land of the rising sun, courtesy of SPD
Sweepstakes.

You and your four (4) co-winners are:
						Michael Chen
						Andrew Huang
						Dave Eddy
						Anand Rao
						Matthew Lewis

	Mike's response upon reading was, "Cool! I get to go to Japan, 
where most of the girls aren't taller than me!"

	Andrew thought, "Hey, some of these names seem familiar."
	
	David thought, "I've always wanted to go to Japan. Hmmm... maybe 
I'll put another shrimp on the barbie."

	Anand thought, "Paid vacation! I'm in!"

	Matt, on the other hand, was a little more paranoid... er, 
suspicious. "So, what's the catch?"


	Maybe then, or maybe not, five men found themselves on planes 
making a pilgrimage to the promised land of all otaku.

	Perhaps it was half a week after the five arrived in Japan, and 
just possibly they were driving a van with luggage strapped to the roof-racks.
	Dave was the one doing the actual driving at this point. There 
were three real reasons: only three of them could drive a stick-shift 
(Mike and Matt being the other two); there was a greater amount of leg-
room in the front seats (something which Dave, who towered over everyone 
else, greatly appreciated) and last; he was also used to driving on the 
left side of the road. It should be noted that Matt didn't seem to have 
any troubles driving on the left side either, although he attributed 
that to being left-handed-- nobody said anything to him about it.
	Matt was in the navigator position, riding `shotgun' as it were, 
with various maps sprawled out in front of him. Andrew sat in the middle
bench and was in the process of getting a crick in his neck due to sleeping
with his head resting on the window. Mike, another victim of 
serious changes in time zones and jet lag, was stretched out in the 
back seat, sleeping soundly. The remaining three were unaffected (both Dave
and Anand having to suffer a lot less of a difference to their internal
clocks, and Matt claimed he had the ability to make gross changes to his
internal clock at a whim).
	Anand was in the unenviable position known everywhere there are 
three people in a car as `the guy in the back seat.' This, of course 
meant that his head would pop forward once in a while to get in on the 
conversation. Anand was unable to sleep so he instead settled for tapping
his fingers to a J-pop station they had found and taking a perverse
pleasure in knowing what bench-mate Andrew's neck would be like later; too
great a pleasure to want to wake him now. Besides, Andrew needed his beauty
sleep, Anand reasoned (oh man did he ever!). Mike was dead to the rest of
the van, probably somewhere in the depths of Delta sleep.

	In at least one respect, pairing Dave and Matt up front was an 
extremely bad idea. Dave, who had spent many hours behind the wheel 
perfecting the art of `Zen driving' as he called it, and Matt `I-never-
get-lost-I-just-take-the-longer-more-scenic-route' were, well, let us 
face it, only slightly better than Ryouga was with directions. Add to 
that Anand's head popping in once in a while, which only served to 
distract Matt and his (vain) efforts to decipher their position on the 
map, and fun things could begin to happen (it wouldn't be much of a 
story if they didn't now, would it?).
	It didn't help that Matt's knowledge of Japanese bordered on non-existent
(with the written form not only bordering, but setting up residency and
recently receiving citizenship there). Matt, in a previous fit of lucidity,
had bought a traveller's map (with English translations) as well. Due to
its size, he couldn't unfold it properly, lest he block off Dave's view to
the left side of the road.
	Everything would be all right if only Matt could get to his luggage. The
maps were unhappy and needed appeasing if they were to give up to him their
secrets. The problem was, who to sacrifice? Mike, Anand, or Andrew (Dave
was obviously too valuable, with his knowledge of Japanese, and more
importantly as a driver). Anand was currently awake, so he'd put up a fight
(could be tough). Mike? Heck, Matt figured Mike might help him with the
ceremony. Nope, it had to be Andrew, he was the one who they had to--

	"Uh, guys? It's starting to get dark. Shouldn't we try to find 
someplace to stay for the night?" asked the curious phenomenon known to 
front seat people as `the ghost head' but could also be known as Anand. See
what I mean by always distracting Matt from his attempts to decipher the map?
	Dave was busy, trying to commune with nature, in hopes that it 
could tell him where they were (not a great hope of that happening, them 
being in the city, surrounded by concrete, asphalt and all). Matt 
briefly considered ignoring the ghost head, hoping it would believe him 
too engrossed in decrypting the arcane symbols of the map to notice it. 
Matt reached the conclusion that if he did not answer the ghost head, it 
would continue to haunt him. 

	"Just a little bit more. I'd like to cover a little more distance 
before we stop for the night. That'll make us that much closer to our 
next tourist site, eh?
	"We are," Matt noted as he looked at the fuel gauge, "getting a 
little low on gas. Could you stop in at the next gas station, Dave?" 
That might give Matt a chance to ask someone where the hell they were.

	Dave had not only successfully started to commune with nature, but 
was on the cusp of something really big, like the meaning of life, or 
whether a tree really makes a sound if it falls and no one is around (the
answer, just in case you were wondering, is why anyone should care if they
weren't around to hear it), or what the Caramilk secret really was, when
Matt's words filtered through, and he lost the link. "Hunh? Oh. Yeah. Sure.
No problem."

	Ten minutes later Matt was busy talking to a young Japanese man who was
eagerly trying to improve his English (a bad choice for the man, because
Matt's accent suddenly took this time to start to wander, and it oscillated
between a passable Jamaican and Atlantic Coast Canadian). Mike was still
comatose, while Andrew woke up with a massive crick in his neck (the van
stopping woke him up). Dave was in the washroom, while Anand was busy
filling his new-found Pocky addiction from the little convenience store
attached to the gas station.

	"Shinanome." That's where the Japanese man said they were. He was 
even able to tell them which street they were on, after finally 
translating what it was Matt was trying to say.
	Having a foreigner scream at you "Which way is the road to, bye?" has
never been terribly condusive towards understanding, especially if not
shouted in one's native tongue. 

	Everyone was packed in the van a few minutes later. "We're in 
Shinanome. I wonder if we'll see Makoto?" Matt joked.
	Those who were awake stared at Matt strangely-- well, more 
strangely at any rate, mistaking the reference.

	"Er, I thought she was in Juuban, or something like that," said Andrew.

	"Didn't know you were into young girls in short skirts, Matt," ribbed Dave.

	Anand said, "In the name of Jupiter I'll--" but there's no need to use the
exact words now, is there? I can't even think of a way to say it in polite
company, and the way Anand said it, well, let's just say that you wouldn't
even say it in impolite company, much less polite company. 

	Matt was somewhat dismayed that no one else got the reference, although he
was rather proud of Anand for that unexpected show of crudity.
	Back in the van, Matt reclaimed the shotgun position, saying he knew
exactly where to go (Mike, who was bleary-eyed but awake, mumbled something
about Matt, the superman comments, and telling him where to go, but we're
much too polite to go into that).
	The time was just past sundown, and the group was driving past a 
high-school when a column of light burst from one of the buildings and 
into the sky. No one else knew what was going on, although Matt had an 
idea. 

	Matt pointed in the direction of the light and shouted out with far too
much energy, "Ohmygod! Look! Awesomeparkingspot!
MustgogetitnowDavehurryhurryhurry!"

	Dave's brain was confused by Matt's actions and took a vacation. Dave's
body, on the other hand, not receiving any other orders, proceeded to drive
towards the high school.
	They never reached the high school. The group of five found 
themselves in the van, in a desert. Confused expressions claimed 
everyone's face, with the exception of Matt, whose face wore a 
maddeningly ecstatic grin for counterpoint. 

	"El Hazard," he said, although no one else knew what he was 
talking about.

	Someone at Suspicious Plot Device Sweepstakes laughed.

					***

	Somewhere in the Desert of Bleached White Bones a van sat, engine 
idling. There were four men inside it, wondering what the hell just 
happened, and what they were going to do. The fifth knew where they 
were, and had a pretty good idea what to do.
	Dave killed the engine because there was no reason to keep it 
going, and no one knew how long the gas would have to last them.

	Dave used the act of turning the engine off to help draw attention 
to what he said next. "What the hell did you do that for, Matt? Do you 
have any idea where we on earth we are?"

	Matt answered with an enigmatic smile, or at least he tried to. 
What really happened was that he looked rather psychotic. "Who said 
anything about Earth?" Everyone heard the capital "e" in that sentence.
	"Although," Matt added thoughtfully, "truthfully? I don't really 
know where we are. I suggest we get out of the van and look around a 
bit. You know, see if we can see anything before we pick a random 
direction and start driving."

	Everyone knew that Matt was holding back big-time on where they 
were. Still, his suggestion was a good one, and they could always 
beat... er, get... it out of him when survival wasn't such a problem.
	All five of them got out of the van; Andrew did not mind, since it 
gave him a chance to stretch. The van sat in the middle of a depression 
in the desert; fortunately the ground was hard and did not rise up into 
sand-dunes in this particular patch. They decided to each take a 
direction and climb out of the depression. Anand went east, Dave went 
west, and Mike went over that cuckoo's nest. Wait, that can't be 
right.... On one hand, they didn't have a cuckoo's nest, and on the 
other hand, they didn't really know for sure which direction was which, 
the sun being at what was presumably its noon position.
	What really happened was Mike, Anand and Dave each picked a 
separate direction and started walking, while Andrew kept trying to work 
that kink out of his neck. Matt was busy in his own right, leaning up 
against the van-- he called it "guard duty." How many did you think 
actually fell for it? Right. Matt actually apologised for such a feeble 
excuse.

	"They're all aheada ya, Andy. Yer gonna have to run if you want to 
catch up, eh?" said Matt lazily in his usual rough speech.

	Andrew threw him a mildly dirty look and muttered something 
quietly. "I don't see why you're the one who sticks around the van, eh?" 
while doing a credible imitation of Matt's regular speech pattern.

	"Well, I know how to drive it, an' exercise is good for you, so 
really I'm sacrificing my health for you guys."

	Andrew was non-plussed. "That's better, but I hope you don't 
expect me to fall for that."

	"Henh. 'course not. That's not the point. If I wanted to be 
believable..." Matt shrugged. "Anyway, you're going to be late if you 
don't hurry."

	"Ach! Yoo're right!" One final pop of his neck, and then Andrew 
sped off.

	Literally.

	Andrew moved faster than the eye could follow, cratering the earth 
with his steps and leaving a cloud of dust in his wake. Ten seconds 
later, a stunned Matt felt a breeze and then a dust cloud hit him. Five 
more seconds, and the dust cloud enveloped the van; Matt saw the cloud 
coming and just barely managed to get inside the van in time. Anand, 
Dave and Mike ran back. 
	A minute later, Andrew's form walked over the horizon; it was 
quite an event, sucking all light into it and... oh! wait! wrong 
horizon... nevermind. As Andrew drew closer the rest of the crew were 
able to make out his features-- a big silly grin plastered all over his 
face.

	"Shuku-chi," Matt said.

	Mike nodded dumbly. "Shuku-chi," he agreed.

	"What?" Anand, Andrew and Dave asked (well, actually Andrew said, 
"Hunh?" and Anand just sort of peered suspiciously at Matt, but 
otherwise it's pretty spot on).

	"Shuku-chi is speed beyond divine speed; it is the fastest. Faster than
the eye can keep up," recited both Mike and Matt. They looked at each other
and grinned, while Anand just nodded.

	"Kenshin?"

	"Yeah."

	"How was Andrew able to run so fast? That's not humanly possible," 
asked Dave quietly, so quietly that no one heard him, and if they (read: 
Matt) did, they were ignoring him (a hard task, true, but not 
impossible).

		"Best anime out there, I'd say," said Matt in a lazy drawl, the kind
which makes you think of spittoons and chewing tobacco.

	"One of my faves," Mike agreed. 

	Anand merely nodded. Hecould be heard mumbling something about Shishio
being a cheap bastard.

	"What about Evangelion?" asked (oh come on, you know who it is, I 
know who it is, so why even bother saying it? Well, just to be complete, 
I suppose I should say who) Andrew.

	"Don't like it," said Mike, simply.

	"It's not bad. Bit over-hyped though, methinks," replied Matt.

	"How come Andrew was moving so fast? He left small craters where his feet
touched the ground," asked Dave, again, this time slightly louder.

	"What do you mean? The animation is awesome, the story is great, 
the characters, the fact that it's more than just about the mecha...."

	"All well and good, but Escaflowne's got all that in spades. You 
got characters who I'd say are more realistic, in their actions and 
their motivations. You could take out everything about the Guymelefs and 
the show would still be pretty much the same-- Evangelion? Take out the 
Angels and the Evangelions, and what do you have? I even like the design 
of the Guymelefs better. The Evas just don't seem quite real to me-- 
with their too thin and too long torsos, and their stretched arms. The 
centre of gravity of those things'd be really effed up," Matt paused and 
thought for a brief moment.
	"I do like the power cord idea though; and the Judaeo-Christian 
mystical references/bits. Very accurate, that, even up to that little 
bit of angelic script that flashes by in the opening credits."

	"How come Andrew was able to move so fast?" said Dave, now somewhat peeved
by the lack of response.

	"What?" asked Matt indignantly and incidentally ignoring Dave's question
yet again, "It's a subject of interest for me!"

	"How come Andrew was able to move so fast?" Dave shouted, tired of 
not getting heard.

	"I expect we'll all be getting some sort of power or something, 
not just Andrew. Be different for each of us, I'd guess," said Matt non-
chalantly, looking up at the sky.

	"And how would you know?" asked Dave, now that he guided everyone 
back to a more relevant endeavour, namely, pumping Matt for information, 
since Matt seemed to know what the hell was happening.

	Matt looked back at Dave with a big smile on his face. 
"Shouldn't," he said in an almost (but not quite!) too smug tone, "we 
find some water and shelter, out here in this desert?"

	Dave was about to say something when Andrew spoke up. "Uh, yeah. 
About that. While I was running, I found an oasis or something. Looked 
like there was people there, or at sometime in the past, because there 
were buildings and stuff."

	"We should probably go there then, shouldn't we? There'll be time 
enough for explanations when we get there," said Matt confidently.

	"How far away is it?" asked Anand.

	"Dunno. I don't really know how fast I was running, so I can't 
say. Even so, I only just barely saw it. It was straight that way," 
Andrew pointed in the direction he first headed off in.

	"We should conserve petrol then, since we don't know how far it is, or how
far we have to travel before we can even get more," said Dave.

	"How can we do that?" asked Andrew quizzically.

	Everyone else's eyes glittered strangely. "Oh, I have an idea," 
said Dave very quietly.

					***

	Dave was in the driver's seat with Mike taking up the other front 
seat. Anand and Matt shared the middle bench seat, so that Anand might 
prove to be a greater, physical reason to get Matt to talk. That was the 
plan, at least. Where was Andrew, you ask?

	Dave stuck his head out the window, "Yeah, you just keep going this speed,
Andy!"

	Andrew, who was pushing the van and still managing to run several 
times quicker than any man had a right to be, even with enough steroids 
in his system to pump up a blue whale, shouted back, "Don't call me 
Andy!"

	"So, Matt. You were about to tell us what you knew about--" Dave 
started, eyes on the... sand, in front of him, before he was interrupted 
by the very person he was addressing.

	"You know what we need to help us pass the time along?" No one 
knew, and no one particularly cared, but that didn't stop Matt from 
forging on ahead.
	"We need a sing-along! Okay everybody, after me: Fly me to the 
moon...."

	Matt proved to be stronger and a lot slipperier than they 
expected.

	At least Andrew wasn't alone outside anymore, for all the good it 
did him. Matt was bound and tied to the roofracks, mouth gagged so he could
not do a particularly vicious and bad version of THAT song. And 
everyone else in the van was happy, except for Dave, who had the 
sneaking suspicion Matt did that on purpose. Dave was right.

					***

	Andrew found a way to take his mind off the fact that he was pushing a van
across an alien desert at speeds no human, no matter what kind of
performance-enhancing drugs he or she be on, should be able to come even
close to approaching (nevermind while pushing a loaded van): talking to Matt. 
	Since Matt wasn't really able to talk back (having your mouth gagged will
do that to you), and considering the nature of Andrew's talk, a better word
might be harangue.

	"... and that's why Evangelion's better!" Andrew finished off, glad to get
that off his chest. Nothing like having a captive audience.

	For his part, Matt smiled underneath his gag, as he very slowly, very
deliberately, closed his eyes. While his eyes were closed, for that
scintilla of time they were shut, Matt saw--
							  --the backs of his eyelids. They were slightly reddish, since he
was currently facing the sun. Matt sighed-- it was worth a shot. Now, if
only he could perfect tuning Andrew out.

	Matt never did get a chance to perfect tuning Andrew out because Dave took
this time to lean out the window and shout, "Andy! You can stop now!"

	Andrew was not responding to Dave's call, perhaps because he didn't hear
it, still engrossed in haranguing Matt about, well, basically why Matt was
wrong and Andrew was right (according to Matt. To Andrew, it was more of a
calm discussion with the intention of correcting certain flaws in Matthew's
logic. Matt's inabilty to reply was irrelevant).

	"Andrew!" Dave was starting to sound a little more urgent, "Stop! You can
stop now! Do you hear me!" In the meantime (not to be confused with the
kindtime, which was generally agreed to be a lot nicer) Dave threw the van
into gear (hoping that putting it into gear would help slow it down
quicker), stomped on the brakes and threw on the parking brake too, just to
be complete. "Bloody well stop pushing, godammit!" Was that a hint of panic?

	Andrew noticed that it was getting a lot harder to push. In fact, when he
looked down at the wheels, there was smoke coming from them, and they
looked like they weren't turning at all, instead skidding on the ground.
The thought occurred to Andrew that this might be a good time to stop running.
	Matt had somehow managed to remove the gag from his mouth, utilising an
heretofore unknown dexterity with his, well, no need to go into that now.
Suffice to say that he got the gag off, was taking a deep breath to give a
scathing reply to Andrew when he noticed two things.

	1. The van was deaccelerating rapidly.
	2. He was not tied onto the roofracks very well.

	Actually, Matt noticed a third thing too, namely that the combination of
the first two things was an extremely, doubleplusungood thing, especially
when he still had his hands tied and couldn't get a decent, halfway decent,
or even a stinking, crummy handhold on the roofracks.

	So instead of giving a whithering reply to Andrew, filled with all of
Matt's powers of elocution and natural charisma (something along the lines
of, "You're seriously effed up there, buddy," no doubt), what he ended up
saying was, "Aw, bugger this. I'd swear there's someone out to get me if I
wasn't sure that it wasn't a whole group of 'em." With those words of...
no, I absolutely refuse to call them wisdom, do you hear me? I refuse!
Anyway, Matt went soaring off the van as he uttered those words, continuing
his journey as the others stopped, advancing the cause of science as he
incidentally proved that Newton's Second Law was active in the world of El
Hazard. Matt also invented three new expletives in the process, advancing
the moral decay of society by a similar amount.

	"I suppose we should probably go and see if he's okay, shouldn't we?"
Anand asked, an almost, but not totally, rhetorical question.

	They found a somewhat mangled Matt slowly sliding into the water of one of
the various hot springs in the oasis. Dave and Anand reached in and grabbed
Matt before his head went completely under.

	"You know if you hadn't tied me up like that, with that one rope
connecting my wrists to my ankles, I would have been okay," Matt said in a
very cool, very droll voice.

	"You know if you hadn't started singing that song we wouldn't have had to
tie you up like that," Dave quipped back.

	Matt closed his eyes as Mike untied him. "I can forgive you for gagging
me," Matt said calmly. "I have no problem with that. It was right and good,
for what I started to do. I can forgive you for tying me up, otherwise I
could remove the gag. I can even forgive you for making me listen to
Andrew, because I'm the forgiving sort who won't hold it against you. BUT
WHAT I CAN'T FORGIVE YOU FOR IS FOR PUTTING ME OUTSIDE!"

	Everyone blinked at the sudden increase in volume and took a step or two
back from the expression on Matt's face.

	"Outside is supposed to be that place in between inside and the car,
godammit! You bastards! I swear I'll get you for this if it takes me twenty
years! Don't think I won't forget something like that! I'm the kind who
holds grudges, who cherishes and nourishes them like a favoured plant."
Matt started giggling insanely like an anime character, only much more
unnerving (due in part, no doubt to the fact that it was actually happening
in front of them). 

	Anand was wishing he brought some tranquilisers, specifically a dart gun,
with some tranquiliser darts in it. Andrew was lamenting the fact that Mike
had finished untying Matt before the tirade, while Dave made a mental note
to make sure Matt's gag was on tighter next time. Mike briefly toyed with
the idea of joining in on the laughter, but he did not want to blow his
cover just yet.
	Dave looked at Anand, who, coincidentally enough, looked at Dave at the
exact same time. They nodded in unison and slowly made their way towards
Matt, careful not to make any threatening gestures. Anand and Dave needn't
have worried though; Matt was too far gone in his laughter to be aware of
his surroundings.
	On either side of the lunatic, Anand and Dave quickly grabbed him and ran
quickly to the edge of the hot spring Matt had so recently been dragged out
of. Anand and Dave stopped at the edge... Matt went a bit further.

	"He's been down there a long time, hasn't he?" asked Anand, somewhat
conversationally.

	"He's holding his breath," was Dave's dismissive reply.

	"I don't think so. I mean, look at all those bubbles that came up soon
after he landed. Do you perhaps think that...," Anand trailed off
meaningfully.

	Dave sighed. "We better go check, I suppose. We did throw him in, after
all. I'd feel sort of guilty if, you know...."

	Anand and Dave quickly waded into the pool to the spot where Matt landed.
Looking into the water they saw Matt lying there on the bottom of the pool.
Reaching down, they grabbed Matt and--
									--found themselves sucking water as Matt quickly shot up and
dunked their heads under the water.
	Matt had a huge grin plastered over his face as he laughed good-naturedly.
"That'll teach ya! No good deed goes unpunished!" Matt laughed some more.
"Two down, and two left to go!"

	"Next time," Dave observed wryly to Anand, "we just leave him there, no
matter how long he stays down."

	Anand just nodded mutely in agreement as he snorted out some water.

					***

	"Ahhhh. Oh yeah, that's the stuff," said Mike eagerly as he eased himself
into the hot spring.

	Mike was the last to enter. Everyone else was already lounging in the
pool. Andrew was quite possibly asleep, acting as the replacement engine
must have tired him out, while the rest of the vacationers were approaching
Andrew's state of near total oblivion, stretched out langourously at the
edges of the pool as the sun beat down on them.

	"You know what just occurred to me?" Matt threw the question into the air,
and where it landed he did not care.

	"That you're an evil, evil man and you're going to mend your ways?" asked
Anand.

	"That pumpkins can be deadly weapons, if used correctly?" asked Mike.	

	"That you still haven't told us what you know about this place, or how to
get back?" asked Dave.

	Matt laughed off Anand and Dave's suggestions, although he did give some
brief thought to Mike's. "No, of course not. Although to partially answer
you Dave let me say just this: Eye of God. No, what I was thinking about
were Sighs."

	"Sighs?" asked the awake trio.

	"Ess eyes. Self insertions," translated an apparently not quite asleep yet
Andrew, who was getting quite good at being able to translate from Matt to
english.

	"What about them?" asked Anand tiredly, playing his part in the ritual,
knowing that even if no one asked, Matt would have continued regardless.

	"Well, the problem with them, mainly."

	"You mean how most of them can fit into a basic template of 'author goes
into world, gets cool powers and easily fixes all the problems?'" asked Mike.

	"Maybe you mean the obvious wish-fulfillment aspect, and what makes them
so disappointing is that the wish is so similar to your own dreams, making
them seem a little less unique or grand. Of course you could argue that
this commonality of desire brings us closer together and by showing this,
self insertions drop some of the boundaries between us," said Dave.

	Matt looked at the two of them with a mild look of disgust on his face.
"Nah, it ain't that. Why would I care about that stuff? The real  problem
y'see, the real problem is... that it ain't me!" Matt announced
triumphantly to the shock and horror of everyone else. "I mean, why should
I care about what happens to someone else whom I've most likely never even
heard of before, nevermind met? Some yahoo workin' out their neuroses or
somethin' like dat, or even worse, the ultra-super powered knob who can do
anything without a challenge whatsoever! Why should I give a damn? 
	"I, I however, am far more interesting than anyone else, eh? Could you
imagine me as a Sigh? Could you imagine the fun I could have? The havoc I
could wreak? None of this 'let's solve their problems' crap, or 'let's join
them' junk, oh no! Not me! Oh man! I tell ya, I'd be a far more interesting
character than any other Sigh!" Matt was practically drooling (let's face
it: there was nothing practical about it. He was drooling) at the thought.

	"He... he does have a point, I suppose," Anand conceded charitably.

	"Next time we just leave him there, no matter how long he stays under,"
Dave lamented to himself. 

	"Hey, what's that?" Mike interrupted the cackling and drooling going on in
the background.

	"What's what?" Apparently Andrew was merely faking sleep, perhaps so he
could better ignore Matt. 

	"I thought I heard something, that's all."

	Something in Mike's voice must have pierced through Matt's chortling,
because Matt quickly sobered up and asked in a sober, yet slightly eager
tone, "Where?"

	Mike pointed towards a dense section of shrubbery. Matt immediately waded
over to the offending foliage and popped his head through. When his head
emerged, it had a large grin plastered all over it, like the canary that
ate the cat. 

	"Boyss, C'mere fer a looksee. I got's sumthin' yeh's'll wanna see," said
Matt easily as he further perverted and corrupted the language.	

	"Nononono. We're not that dumb Matt. Frankly, I'm kind of disappointed
that you think so lowly of us that that would work," replied Anand.

	"Nah, I'm serious, y'gots ta see this! Oh baby, come ta poppa!" Matt moved
away from the plantlife, making his way towards the luggage, which was out
near the van, but not so near that it looked like Matt was going for the van. 

	Noting that Matt did not seem to be planning on ditching them, and deeming
it safe to find out what he was talking about, everyone stuck their heads
through the bush Matt was at and saw--

								--saw lots of uncovered female flesh. Lots of beautiful women
chatting and utilising one of the hot springs near them. Goofy grins were
worn by all, except for Mike's, which was more Daffy than Goofy.

	"Aha! Found it!" Matt exclaimed, causing everyone to turn their heads.
Matt had already dressed, and was wearing a white t-shirt with the words
"Mostly Harmless" airbrushed on it and a pair of long shorts which went to
just above his knees. 
	The object he was holding aloft had to be the "it" Matt was talking about
(although you never could be too sure).

	"Found what?" asked Andrew.

	"Old Spice. Boys, this stuff'll make you a sexual Tyrannasaurus, jus' like
me!"

	"If it bleeds, we can kill it," Mike said in a low monotone. Somehow he
had a knife in his hands. Just as amazingly, Mike found himself alone by
the bush.

	"Right then! Who's been giving him the sharp objects again?" Dave said
indignantly while looking at Andrew. Andrew gave a sheepish shrug.

	Matt was making his way towards the fountain of female flesh on the other
side, having just slapped on too much Old Spice.

	"So, what do you think's going to happen?" asked Andrew. 

	"Hmmm, thousand yen says he gets shot down," replied Dave.

	"That goes without saying. I was wondering how bad? Two thousand says he
gets slapped."

	Anand popped in the conversation, saying, "Come on guys. Who knows? Maybe
he'll actually be, well, you know... norma-- oh man. I think that he's
starting to rub off on me. I don't know what I was thinking there." Anand
shivered in horror and disgust. No one blamed him, and you shouldn't either.

	It should be noted that no one, no one at all, ever thought of trying to
stop Matt from going over and getting shot down in horrible, horrible
fashion, not even in passing. Instead they went back to watching, to see
how events would proceed. Mike put his knife away and put a thou on Matt
getting kneed in the groin. 

					***

	In the pool with an overabundance of X chromosones, Matt approached one of
the women-- the one closest to him, in fact. Brunette, dark hair, fair
skin, good-looking (then again they all were, so that doesn't really need
to be said). As Matt stalked, er, walked towards her, he made a grin that
tried to be rakish, but ended up looking more self-indulgent than anything
else.

	"Hey baby, you hungry? How 'bout you try my tubesteak?" Even the tone of
Matt's voice was offensive.

	The woman looked furious and raised her hand while readying her knee when
suddenly she blinked. 
	Matt was readying himself for the just pain he had earned, so he was
caught off-guard when he didn't feel anything.

	The woman took in the air around Matt and said, "You smell nice and you're
funny. I like you."

	This was an unexpected development. No one bet on the possibility that
Matt might actually succeed and were in too great a shock to believe it had
actually happened yet.
	On the other hand, Matt was crying tears of joy on the inside. Life was
actually going to be like a porno flick. After all, if she didn't belt him
back to Earth for that comment, then... well, you know....
	Reality, however, had different plans.

	A deceptively gentle and soft breeze blew through the oasis, past the van,
past the confused gamblers, past Matt and through the bathing women, until
it returned to the desert. The bathers looked up from their ablutions in
nigh-perfect synchronicity; they looked around, sniffing, scenting the air
like a pack of wolves out hunting. Their eyes settled on Matt.

	"So, like, you really think that's physically possible?" Matt asked,
somewhere between horrified and intrigued.

	"I don't care. I must have you now." The woman suddenly lunged at Matt,
who toppled backwards.

	Matt was sprawled out in the water (this time his head was above the
waterline), looking up at the woman (he never did get her name),
goggle-eyed and opening and closing his mouth like a fish out of water. She
tried to rip his shirt off, and was actually doing quite a good job of it
when Matt's eyes started to focus again and noticed that he and the woman
were no longer alone. In point of fact, they were surrounded by the rest of
the women who were bathing, who all were looking at Matt with the exact
same expression on their faces-- somewhat similar to the way a wolf hungry
wolf might look at a sheep.
	As the woman ripped off Matt's shirt, she cooed. She purred.

Matt screamed. He ran, still screaming.

	The women, of course, gave chase.

	"I didn't expect that," said Dave blandly.

	"What? The Matt not getting hit bit, or the part where they all wanted him
and ran after him?" asked Anand.

	"Well, I didn't expect that either, but no, I was talking about that
scream. I didn't expect it to be that high."

	Anand looked thoughtful for a moment. "You're right. I would have thought
he would've had a less shrill scream."

	Andrew made an observation. "Maybe the one on top of him had a good hold
of his--" 

	"Thank you Andrew, that'll be enough of that," said Dave, quashing that
line of thought before it began. Andrew stopped making a grabbing gesture
with his right hand at about waist height.

	"They didn't look like they were too worried about what was going to
happen to Matt, did they," Mike added in conversationally.

	"Yeah, well, I'm not bothered by that," said Dave, "As far as I'm
concerned he's got it coming for evading our questions."

	"Yeah, but what happens if they catch him? I mean, how are we going to
figure out how to get back home without him? After all, he's the only one
of us who knows, or might know, where the hell we are," Mike replied.

	"Damn. I forgot about that. Andrew, you're fast, you can get Matt away
from them, right? You bring him back here while we pack up and get the van
ready. We're heading out before something else happens."

	Andrew merely nodded, it made sense. Andrew took a quick look around
before he took off in the same direction Matt had fled scant minutes ago.
	The feel of his feet on the ground, the wind against his face. Andrew
loved everything about it. The exhilaration, the world blurring around him
and knowing it was all his doing. He was the fastest thing on land, or in
the air. He was fast. He was speed. He was-- tripping over a small stone he
didn't see until too late and flying through the air. Luckily for Andrew he
hit a wall (even more luckily, the wall was made of a soft stone) at just
the right angle and bounced off it into an unused pool of water. Sad pool
was unused because its high sulphur content gave it an unpleasant smell. A
forlorn moan could be heard from Andrew, if one tried to listen hard enough.

					***

	Matt finally stopped screaming, which was a good thing because it only
served to help his pursuers find him. He had finally stopped running, which
was also a good thing because he had no idea where he was going and seemed
to have evaded the women who were after him. Matt started to giggle
insanely (is there any other way you really expected him to giggle?) in
between breaths as he leaned against a convenient tree.
	"I --haha-- I'm being chased --ha-- by priestesses that're -heeheehee--
acting like Maenads --ohohoho--," Matt was able to gasp out to himself
before he looked up.

	There was a shriek of triumph which alerted Matt and caused him to look
up. The shriek went something along the lines of, "I've found him! He's
over here!"

	Matt turned and ran. Well, actually he just turned. The running part of
"turned and ran" was rendered impossible by the large orange Bugrom that
was now a very short distance from Matt's nose. 

	"Hello. How are you? I can never remember which type Bugrom is which, so
you'll have to forgive me." Matt sounded perfectly calm and conversational.

	Other Bugrom emerged from the dense foliage. Matt looked around. Instead
of running away in fear or anything (and risk getting caught by the
priestesses, thank-you-very-much) he smiled, then began to laugh.

	"There's no way in hell they'll get me now. Too bad you guys probably
can't understand me, because I'm sure you'll appreciate what delicious
irony it is that I'm actually safer with you. Oh, it's just so exquisite!"
Matt was laughing so hard tears were coming from his eyes.

	The Bugrom stood there impassively.

	The priestesses, who had finally found Matt, ran away (they might have
been mad with desire, but they weren't stupid).

	Matt noticed something was odd about these Bugrom, something to do with
the way their antennae swayed in the air then seemed to point at him. He
decided to review what he knew, or could possibly expect, about the Bugrom.

	Fairly classic hive insects. Okay, now, what does this in all probability
mean. Ants, termites, bees, et cetera. What do they have in common?

	The worker drones: female but sterile.
	Antennae: usually hold sense of scent, greater than human.
	Communication may have a strong scent/pheromone base.

	Matt might be many things, but idiot (although he might act like one from
timt-to-time, or even most of the time, really) was not one of them. He
pieced what he knew together and came up with only one possibility: Old
Spice. He was wrong, of course. If anything, the extremely liberal amounts
of Old Spice Matt had applied to himself actually helped stave off the
effect of his power. Matt's power, you see, was the production of a
"super-pheromone" making him nigh irresistable to the opposite sex.

	Hive insects use sense of smell as a component (sometimes major) in their
communication. 

	These Bugrom were probably female.

	Matt blinked.

	The Bugrom surged toward him en masse.

			Let the screaming begin.




--Part 1 Finis--


Part 2: Coming, well, sometime.
	  Interesting story on how it came about, but I will (for once in my life)
exhert some restraint and not put it here. You want to here it? Ask me and
I'll tell you....

Next part will actually have characters from El Hazard with names!



Matthew "Maybeso" Lewis is:
That guy with "Maybe" and/or "Definitely" in his name on IRC
See him on FFIRC! [bachman.newberry.edu fanfic]
Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
	maybeso@ican.net
_________________________________________________________________

"The world, however, is not for Fun," Khattam-Shud replied. "The
world is for Controlling."
	"Which world?" Haroun made himself ask.
	"Your world, my world, all worlds," came the reply. "They
are meant to be Ruled. And inside every single story, inside 
every Stream of the Ocean, there lies a world, a storyworld, that
I cannot Rule at all. And that is the reason why."
		--from Haroun and the Sea of Stories by Salman
		  Rushdie (p.161)
_________________________________________________________________