"Miko" <nausicaa@sprynet.com> wrote:

Thanks to my prereaders this time around, Harold Ancel and Mike
Allen, arigato!  My story was improved!  To those who offered but
were ignored or who ignored me, gomen nasai!  ^_^

I was in one or the other of those categories... but I'll do the next
part if ya want.

As for this part, I liked the story... The plot's going along nicely,
and I had no problems with the characterizations. I was particularly
amused by the way Soun and Genma acted in the middle.

The writing is pretty good, but one way you could improve is to use
fewer passive verbs. For example,

       A small fire was burning in the back yard of the Tendo Dojo.

Could write "burned" instead of "was burning."

       Soun and Genma were seated on the engawa out back, sipping
iced  tea and taking in the beautiful day.  The sun was shining
bright, a light breeze was tugging at the trees, and everything was

"Was shining" could be "shone" and "was tugging" could be "tugged."

And so on.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics