fcasper wrote:

	"Why do these things always happen to me?" 

You wouldn't be Ranma if they didn't.

Ranma 
thought bitterly.  "All I wanted to do was take a nice hot shower in 
peace and get back to class but NOOOO.....now I'm being forced to 
take Shampoo on a date!  What else can go wrong?"

Now THAT was a mistake. In the Ranmaverse this is akin to putting a 'kick
me' sign on your back.

	As Ranma continued to fume in silence he failed to notice 
the sudden appearance of a figure ahead of him. 

See. 

Even worse, so 
distracted was Ranma that he even failed to notice the figure thrusting
his sleeves at Ranma, unleashing a series of curved blades attached to 
ropes, all of them aimed at Ranma's unprotected head....

	"AI REN!  MOVE!!!"

	Shampoo suddenly separated Ranma from his kidneys, or 
at least that's what it felt like to him as she tackled him out of the

path 

of the blades in the nick of time.  Ranma quickly recovered and found 
himself on the ground with Shampoo draped over him.  Ranma was 
about to protest when he noticed the ropes sailing through where 
his head had been a moment ago and quickly stood up to face his 
attacker....the master of hammerspace known as Mousse.

	"Hey!  What's the big idea?!"  Ranma shouted.

Ranma really should know this routine by now:

Mousse: How dare you breathe the same air Shampoo does. DIE SAOTOME!!!

	Mousse glared at Ranma through the thick lens of his 
	"IS THAT RIGHT?!?"  Mousse took a threatening step 
forward, his sleeves prepared to release another volley.

	"No!  Well....sort of.....but there's a reason...."  Ranma 
fumbled.

I don't see Ranma fumbling around like this with Mousse. He really doesn't
care how the blind one feels. And the guy is already attacking him. Minor
quibble *SHRUG*. 

	"DIE, SAOTOME!!!"

Told ya' ^_^

 Mousse leapt high into the air and 
shot another series of blades on ropes at Ranma.  Only this time 
Ranma was ready for it and managed to move out of the way in 
time, catching each of the ropes in his hand as the blades flew by 
his body until he had them all.

	"Try this on for size!"  Ranma said as he suddenly yanked 
down hard on the ropes, sending Mousse plummeting towards the 
ground only to flip upright in mid air and aim his rapidly 
descending form towards Ranma, metal claws extending from his 
shoes as he aimed for the center of Ranma's chest.

	"TAKA ZUME KEN!!!"  Mousse screamed as he tried to
impale Ranma only to have Ranma sidestep from the point of 
impact.  Mousse's claws retracted just before he reached the ground 
but was wide

I think "...but left himself wide..." works better.

open for a roundkick to the face by Ranma.  Mousse 
went flying and crashed hard against the stone wall surrounding the 
sidewalk, gasping in pain from the impact as he slowly slid back 
down to the ground.  

      	"Guess you forgot to....duck."  Taunted a still-fresh 
Ranma.

*ARGH* Bad pun! But it's nice to see Ranma taunting.

	"Come on Ai Ren, stupid Mousse not worth fighting."  
Shampoo said with even more contempt as they turned to leave.

	"Jeez, Mousse, how many times do I have to beat you up 
before you realize you can't win?"  Ranma asked in a tired voice.

	"Shampoo is not yours.  I'll fight for her to my last breath."

breath,"

Mousse said with quiet determination.

	"Hey, anytime you want her she's...."  Ranma quickly cut 
off his sentence as he noticed Shampoo glaring daggers at him and he 
decided to try a different approach.

Oh ho! Ranma kept the foot from making it all the way into his mouth. You
don't see that everyday. ^_^

 "Look, I don't want to beat you up 
again Mousse,

again, Mousse,

(I think. Grammar is not one of my strong points.)

so give up!"  Ranma said trying to be reasonable, not 
realizing how self-centered he sounded.

	"Give up Mousse!"  

up, Mousse!

Shampoo added to his voice.  "Shampoo 
never love you like she love Ranma.  Husband is strong, defeat 
Shampoo in battle, defeat all others in battle, Mousse can't even beat 
Shampoo!  Mousse weak man."
	
	"Then let me prove my love for you by trashing this fool!"  
Mousse offered with his fists clenched.

	"Who are you calling a fool, duck boy?"  Ranma responded hotly.

	"Mousse never beat Ranma!  Ranma invincible!  Nyahh!"
Shampoo said as she stuck her tongue out at him.

	"That's right!"  Ranma wholeheartedly agreed, his pride 
overriding his common sense.

Heh. That's Ranma. It's nice to see that ego of his in action. Not everyone
writes it in often enough.

	Mousse turned to Ranma with a look of anger and betrayal.

	"Why are you encouraging her?!  I thought you wanted me 
to have her?!"  

If you know that, Mousse, then why are you fighting him over her? 

Mousse's eyes narrowed.  "Why are you taking her out 
on a date. anyway?!"

	Ranma's face flushed and he started twiddling his fingers.
"Well....um....Shampoo....that is....Kodachi....and then....you see...."

This hesitation I might buy. Ranma's going to have to mention he was
helpless, thereby damageing his pride.

	Shampoo decided to fill in the huge gaps in Ranma's story.
"Ranma knocked out by pervert girl.  Then psycho girl try to steal 
Ranma and Shampoo protect him until he wake up.  See?"  Shampoo 
showed her burnt hand to Mousse.  Mousse leaned closer and took a 
good look at it and his gaze darkened even further.

	"What?!  No!  That's not how it happened!"  Ranma tried 
to backtrack.  "Shampoo!  Tell him what really happened!"


	Shampoo interrupted him again by saying in an excited 
voice.  "Then Ranma and Shampoo take hot shower together and
	"But Ai Ren, that did happen."  Shampoo looked at Ranma 
with confusion.

Heh.

	"Shampoo, I've won the battle!  Now you will be mine!" 
 Mousse exclaimed in victory as he rushed forward to embrace his
beloved, only to crash hard into a telephone phone he mistook for
Shampoo.  

It's a lot softer than running into Shampoo's fist.

	"Mousse...."  Ranma said in a low voice.  "I've gone easy 
on you up till now because I felt sorry for you.  But you went one 
step too far pal!"

far, pal!

 Ranma cracked his knuckles and assumed an 
offensive stance, his face dead serious.  "Now I'm gonna ....!"
  	 "I....I don't need anyone's help!!"  Ranma screamed 
angrily as he tried to rise again, infuriated at having his battle
fought for him yet again.  "I'm a guy, dammit!"

	"No talk stupid Ranma!  

stupid, Ranma!

There are more of these throughout the text. 

Shampoo get antidote for poison.
Ranma wait here!"  Shampoo scurried off towards the Nekohanten, 
still clutching Mousse-Duck tightly in her fist, leaving a humiliated 
and humbled Ranma behind.

I'd say so. Ranma's going to want more than a little revenge for needing
Shampoo to help him out. 

	"Oh man....This just isn't my day."  Ranma shoulders 
slumped, once again lost in a cloud of dispair.  "Oh well, at least it
can't get any worse...."

What did we say about this? (D.B. puts on a steel-toed boot)

	"Oh Ranma...."

*KICK*

	Ranma spun around, fully expecting to see Akane with her 
mallet, ready to pound him to a bloody pulp, but instead sees 

saw

Nabiki.
	"I'm so glad to hear it.  I wasn't feeling too well myself so
I decided to leave class early."  Nabiki paused for a moment to take
a deep breath and then continued.  "But....I forgot about a certain 
homework assignment I'd left in my locker in the girl's gym...."

	Ranma freezes. 

froze

Solid.  He closes his eyes.

closed. You're starting to switch tenses here.

	Nabiki considers responding to that but notices 

noticed. You did it here too.

the look in 
Ranma's eyes and realizes 

realized. 

she had already pushed her luck to a

uncomfortable level.  I'd better smooth things over a bit.  

might want to put ' ' or [] around the thoughts to set it off from the rest
of the sentence.


Okay. As to the rest of the fic. There were more grammar errors you'll have
to watch out for. Liked Ukyou intimidation in getting the film back.
Actually liked Akane's nice side being shown in her treatment of Gosenkugi
and then how she dealt with Kunou. And Ryouga's wish was appropriate. Not
revenge, not making Akane love him, but something simple that will improve
his life and not have some potentially fatal flaw.

The one thing I REALLY didn't like. Ranma's reaction to the kiss with
Ukyou. The first thing that should have gone through his mind, especially
with all of the students in the resteraunt, is 'Akane is going to kill me'
and then panic. He won't be able to hide what happened, and he should know
it.

All in all, an enjoyable read. I'll look forward to more.


D.B. Sommer