On Fri, 21 Aug 1998, Redneck Gaijin wrote:

(Rules for submitting stories for review at the end of the list.)

And here's a counterpoint to his points :)

        TITLE: THE INFINITE FUTURE: An Alternate History of The Together
Again Universe, Ch. 1-2
        AUTHOR: CHRIS DAVIES
        SERIES: Sailor Moon-Magic Knight Rayearth crossover (maybe more)

        In an alternate universe, the Sailor Senshi, while fighting Nemesis,
must also investigate the mysterious events which follow three teenage

girls...

how is the universe 'alternate?' That would spoil the story!

       (a) Technical: 3

It would be of some help if you stated early on what scale of points you
are using.  I eventually figured out that you were operating on a scale of
1-6, I think, but stating that right out would help.

I gave such a scale in my first announcement; I should have restated it in
the post.

Technical: 0-5 points

Continuity: 0-5 points

Storytelling: 0-10 points

Formatting: 0-5 points

Bonus Points: 0-5 points

        Descriptive passages and use of sentences to add description to the
story is nearly nonexistent. Basic grammar and spelling is good, but could
use some improvement.

So you would flunk Hemingway, I take it?  Or Steinbeck?  Or a variety of
other authors who went for a style low in description?  

Hemmingway and Steinbeck both used descriptive tricks to give the reader a
thumbnail sketch of the character and the scene. In this particular story,
Davies didn't.

OTOH, I -would- flunk Nathaniel Hawthorne for using -too much- description
and imagery to turn an interesting short story into the painful-to-read
short novel The Scarlet Letter.

This is a story

where we basically know the characters, or else the story will be
incomprehensible, which is why I rarely read fanfics of a series I'm not
familiar with.

Not an excuse. 

In this particular instance, someone may know Sailor Moon only from the dub,
or have limited exposure to the original. If they haven't seen the first
episode, they would have no clue that Naru = Molly, and without this
foreknowledge the reader has next to no clue at -all- which character is which.

  We know what they look like, we know what the places they

frequent look like.  It's only new and unusual places that really need a
lot of description; IMO.  

-You- know. You can't assume that everyone does. 

        (b) Continuity: 1

        (1) All characters presented are presumed to be already known to the
readership. (2) The story is an alternate universe -of- an alternate
universe. (3) Generally a little too serious for all but the season-ending
parts of either Sailor Moon or Rayearth. (4) Uses Davies' most-often-used
OOCism, the 'Usagi and Rei are secret lesbian lovers' one. (5) Internal
continuity is difficult to tell in only two short episodes.

1) I'd note that in a fanfic, you can usually assume that the reader knows
the characters at least somewhat.  Admittedly, especially in crossovers,
this is not always the case, but I myself prefer to not be told what I
already know.  

Again, I try never to assume foreknowledge on the part of my readership.

2) And? He clearly notes that, which I find preferable to some stories
which are clearly alternate universes but aren't labelled as such.

And, this category in general is based on how well the story matches up to
the original. It's a strong point with me, and it's part of the reason why
the Bonus points are there, so I can give back to an exceptional story what
I have to take away here.

3) Sailor Moon is open to a wide range of moods because it incorporates a
wide range of moods, even in the same episode.  Contrast Usagi's tears in
the first R episode at having to give up a normal life "Goodbye, normal
Usagi" to the silliness of the same episode.  I'd disagree with you on
that point.

Open, yes. The problem is, -all- those moods should be employed. not just a
handful.

        (c) Storytelling: 5

        Davies, who frequently writes in script format (as witness the
original TOGETHER AGAIN and its prequel), doesn't seem used to using the
advantages of prose to their fullest. The main casualty is in

Chris usually writes in prose format, actually.  His stories in script
format are the abberations, not this one.  

Well, then, let me restate: this story reads better if I treat it like a
script than if I treat it like prose.

 >>         (5) To save me some time and effort, here are some basics you should

bear in mind while writing:

And here's my disagreement with some of them :)

                (c) Any form of the verb 'to be', especially 'was,' is
passive. Any use of 'have,' 'has,' or 'had' is also passive. Passive verb
sentences kill a story. Rewrite your sentences to replace them with active
verbs.

This is an arbitrary rule, not a law of nature.  19th century writing made
use of the passive to good effective, modern German writing does the same.
It's a matter of taste.

It's a matter of application. 

                (e) Never, ever assume your reader knows what things look
like. Describe. Use verbs with visual overtones, like 'sprinted,' 'jogged,'

I'd disagree.  In a fanfic, I find it superfluous to describe things that
are already better described in the source material.  Given I can't put a
picture of Ranma in my story, I don't find it necessary to describe what
he looks like.  If the characters go to KFC, I don't find it necessary to
describe what KFC looks like.  Now, if they go to the sun-drenched city of
N'kari, which exists only in my imagination, that's another story.
Unnecessary description bogs down the plot, IMO.

Define 'unnecessary.'

The fatal flaw in your arguement is that your works, personally, are
directed specifically at people who have the same amount of experience with
the fanfic in question as you.

I feel that this should never, ever be assumed, and therefore I work to use
description in a balanced manner, introducing each new character and scene
as if it were totally new to the reader. 

On the other hand, if I go more than one full paragraph describing anything,
it's either a scene involving motion or something REALLY big (for example,
the description of moving through the Freespacer Home Fleet in Wilderness).

Furthermore, it's not even necessary to lump your description into one spot.
Spread it out through the scene, give the reader new little details to
refine their image of the scene or their vision of the character.

In my book, 'taking as read' is always sloppy, if for no other reason that
it puts people unfamiliar to the series (like myself with Rayearth) off of
reading it.

Redneck

Kris Overstreet's email has changed...
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