On Fri, 21 Aug 1998, Redneck Gaijin wrote:

(Rules for submitting stories for review at the end of the list.)

And here's a counterpoint to his points :)

        TITLE: THE INFINITE FUTURE: An Alternate History of The Together
Again Universe, Ch. 1-2
        AUTHOR: CHRIS DAVIES
        SERIES: Sailor Moon-Magic Knight Rayearth crossover (maybe more)

        In an alternate universe, the Sailor Senshi, while fighting Nemesis,
must also investigate the mysterious events which follow three teenage girls...
how is the universe 'alternate?' That would spoil the story!

       (a) Technical: 3

It would be of some help if you stated early on what scale of points you
are using.  I eventually figured out that you were operating on a scale of
1-6, I think, but stating that right out would help.

 

        Descriptive passages and use of sentences to add description to the
story is nearly nonexistent. Basic grammar and spelling is good, but could
use some improvement.

So you would flunk Hemingway, I take it?  Or Steinbeck?  Or a variety of
other authors who went for a style low in description?  This is a story
where we basically know the characters, or else the story will be
incomprehensible, which is why I rarely read fanfics of a series I'm not
familiar with.  We know what they look like, we know what the places they
frequent look like.  It's only new and unusual places that really need a
lot of description; IMO.  

 

        (b) Continuity: 1

        (1) All characters presented are presumed to be already known to the
readership. (2) The story is an alternate universe -of- an alternate
universe. (3) Generally a little too serious for all but the season-ending
parts of either Sailor Moon or Rayearth. (4) Uses Davies' most-often-used
OOCism, the 'Usagi and Rei are secret lesbian lovers' one. (5) Internal
continuity is difficult to tell in only two short episodes.

1) I'd note that in a fanfic, you can usually assume that the reader knows
the characters at least somewhat.  Admittedly, especially in crossovers,
this is not always the case, but I myself prefer to not be told what I
already know.  

2) And? He clearly notes that, which I find preferable to some stories
which are clearly alternate universes but aren't labelled as such.

3) Sailor Moon is open to a wide range of moods because it incorporates a
wide range of moods, even in the same episode.  Contrast Usagi's tears in
the first R episode at having to give up a normal life "Goodbye, normal
Usagi" to the silliness of the same episode.  I'd disagree with you on
that point.

        (c) Storytelling: 5

        Davies, who frequently writes in script format (as witness the
original TOGETHER AGAIN and its prequel), doesn't seem used to using the
advantages of prose to their fullest. The main casualty is in

Chris usually writes in prose format, actually.  His stories in script
format are the abberations, not this one.  

characterization- he uses more or less the same tools one would use in a
script, character interaction and reaction, but seldom goes into
introspection and worldview, two tools in prose which can -really- make a
character live for the reader. Add to this the presumption of prior

His first person stories very heavily exploit those methods.  Not sure why
he adopted a different approach here.

        (5) To save me some time and effort, here are some basics you should
bear in mind while writing:

And here's my disagreement with some of them :)

                (c) Any form of the verb 'to be', especially 'was,' is
passive. Any use of 'have,' 'has,' or 'had' is also passive. Passive verb
sentences kill a story. Rewrite your sentences to replace them with active
verbs.

This is an arbitrary rule, not a law of nature.  19th century writing made
use of the passive to good effective, modern German writing does the same.
It's a matter of taste.
 

                (e) Never, ever assume your reader knows what things look
like. Describe. Use verbs with visual overtones, like 'sprinted,' 'jogged,'

I'd disagree.  In a fanfic, I find it superfluous to describe things that
are already better described in the source material.  Given I can't put a
picture of Ranma in my story, I don't find it necessary to describe what
he looks like.  If the characters go to KFC, I don't find it necessary to
describe what KFC looks like.  Now, if they go to the sun-drenched city of
N'kari, which exists only in my imagination, that's another story.
Unnecessary description bogs down the plot, IMO.


John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

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