Jason Liao <jliao@phoenix.Princeton.EDU> wrote:

Hmm...this is about Akane growing from her past, right?  I dunno, It's
Been Red, Giving away, or something in that vein.

Hmmm... I'll think about it.

Well, to me, it sounded like Kuno just let them know the situation, but
Akane had already arranged for everyone to gather.  I assume that this is
not the case, and that Kuno is just confirming his arrival time.  How
about having him state "I just wanted to let you know that I shall..."

My assumption was that Kuno and Akane had been talking for a little
while, even though it was the second call.

Also, has he given up his archaic speech patterns, or not?  I thought HaM
1 pretty much stated that he was done with all of that.

He hasn't given up on them, though he has cut down on the ranting and
the poetry to a good degree.

resentment. Her life had become about as close to predictable and
comfortable as it had ever been before Kuno and Shampoo had shown up to
drag her and Ranma into something that either or both of them might not
even survive.

'had shown up'?  Or just showed up?  Using that tense makes it sound like
she's still talking about the manga years in that sentence.

I dunno... I'll have to stare at this for a while, I think. :)

imaginary scene would end with him telling her it was all a joke and
that he could never love an uncute tomboy like her; but sometimes it
wouldn't.

Is the semicolon being used properly here?

Far as I know, yeah.

      "Maybe. This time, anyway. I been in love before, y'know. With
Cologne. Ryoga, too.

Maybe you should work in a little more detail as to when these 'happy'
events occured, for the benefit of those who haven't read that far in the
manga, but have heard references.  Koi rod/bracelet pills, right?  I've
heard about it, but haven't gotten to the rod story yet.

Maybe... I don't want to put in too much unnecessary backstory, though.

      But how? Maybe Ranma had been right. There wasn't much Gosunkugi
could do to interfere with his wedding. The best he could do would be to
try to find someone who could.

So you chose Shampoo.  After all the descriptions of the bombed wedding,
one would think that Gosunkugi would tell someone other than just Shampoo.

There's not really anyone available.

	Koichi handed her a business card. "I work for the Tsumaranai
Security Company. For one low price, our company could install our
deluxe model security system in your home. It can give you that early
warning that could save your..."

"Oh, no thanks.  We'll just use Genma's expert Martial Arts perception
skills for that."

Heh.

	Not that that mattered.

Repetitious 'that' looks funny.  How about 'Not that it mattered?'

Yeah, that might be better.

This is pretty good.  A realization that doesn't come spontaneously.  I
can't think of how many fics that go 'I hate Ranma.  Oh, wait.  I love
him.'  *Glomp!*  End.

Heh. Yeah, I wanted to avoid that kind of thing.

	"I'm sorry," Mousse said proudly, "but I cannot marry you, for
my heart is given to darling Shampoo."

>From a Monty Python sketch?  Or just concieved on your own?

It's Monty Python.

This is interesting.  One would think that the many fiancees of Ramna 
would crash the wedding, but it seems that almost everyone has been
accounted for.  I also liked the pace you set for the wedding.  Ranma's
wedding is an overdone scene, so not bothering to devote half the fic
torwards description was a good move.

That's what I was thinking... there've been so many such fics, that
people could fill in the details for themselves.

Thanks for the comments!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics