Nick Leifker <nightelf@thekeep.org> wrote:

'Behind The Veil', perhaps?

Interesting idea... I'll consider it.

Any particular reason why?  I'm referring to both of their behaviors
here.  I've read the Kunou section, so I can understand his somewhat...
but Akane's reaction is a different matter.  

Hmmm... yeah, now that you mention it, she probably should be more
suspicious of Kuno.

This strikes me as extremely out-of-character.  Soun cooking?  If this
were accurate characterization, he would have started back when his kids
were still kids, just after his wife died.

Um... I doubt it, given his likely mental state at the time. Personally,
I think just going near the kitchen that his dear, departed wife used to
cook in would be enough to send him into a hysterical sobbing fit. By
the time he learned to deal with it, Kasumi would've already settled in
as the new cook of the house.

 Moreover, he has, for the most
part, avoided any such duties like the plague.

Huh? When was this shown? As I understand it, Soun didn't do any cooking
in the canon for the simple reason that Kasumi was there to do it for
him. Living with Akane, it would be a different story.

 Thirdly, if you look at
the attitudes in Japan, cooking is still considered, for the most part,
women's work.

Akane as the woman of the house is a good enough reason to make an
exception. :)

Do you have ANY manga to back this change of heart up?

Do you have any that shows that Soun would have a particular *aversion*
towards learning to cook?

I mean, we're talking about a simple activity, for gods' sake. People
take up new ones all the time -- especially when going into retirement.
I don't exactly see why it's fundamental to Soun's personality whether
he cooks or not.

BTW, yes, I am being very hard on you, in order to prove a point.  If

No problem. I welcome honest feedback in *any* area. Be as critical as
you like -- but don't expect me to necessarily agree with you. As for
Soun's cooking, I'll gladly change it if you can give me evidence,
direct or indirect, that Soun would have a problem with taking up
cooking after Kasumi left.

you're going to be snobbish about characterization (as you are, all too
often), then your own has got to be airtight, otherwise you're nothing
more than a hypocrite.

No, no, no... I only CLAIM loudly and proudly to be a hypocrite... but
deep down, I'm secretly sincere. ^_^  (Figure THAT out. :-P)

	Akane had always expected that there would be some big romantic
moment in which she and Ranma would admit their love for each other. She
often pictured in her mind how this would happen. Sometimes the
imaginary scene would end with him telling her it was all a joke and
that he could never love an uncute tomboy like her; but sometimes it
wouldn't.

Lovely opening paragraph to the scene.

Thanks.

Well, he hasn't had the benefit of being stuck in the form for over a
year, a six-month search for a cure ending in disaster, coupled with an
agonizing breakup with Akane leading to his own attempted suicide.  ^_^

Let's not get back into THAT argument....

Good description of it, BTW, though I never liked the 'mind-altering
substance' trick.  Always struck me as being too contrived, and too easy.

Well, some of us feel it's the *only* believable way that Ranma would
ever... oops, I wasn't going to get into that. :-)

"You're not pregnant, are you?"

Not yet... ^_^ (Yes, I have read that ep.  Not bad; very nice descriptions
there.)

Thanks.

	Images of Ranma with Ukyo and Shampoo flooded Akane's mind. "You
think I care? Marry KUNO if you want!"

This strikes me as an overreaction to the situation.  She gets angry; just
not that bloody QUICKLY.  Maybe if it were shown with some sort of motion
showing more flippancy than anger in her response.  

I'll see what I can do here.

	"I'm... sorry... I didn't mean... I just meant that... if *you*
don't mind... then I don't."

	"Really?" Ranma turned hesitantly back toward Akane.

Who's saying what, here?  I think Ranma's saying the first line, and Akane
the second; however, with Ranma as the subject of the sentence of the
second line, it tends to indicate that he's saying that one as well.  

No, the first is Akane's and the second Ranma's.

And, as Gary holds the fast-forward button...

Sorry.  I just don't like when someone does this sort of thing without a
scene break.  

I'll put one in.

	Ranma and Akane stood in the foyer of Romance Villa, an old
vine-covered stone chapel; an impressive structure, though several
cracks showed in the walls.

Nice description, but PLEASE change the name.  It sounds like a drive-thru
Vegas wedding shop.

Sorry, can't. The name is the fault of Viz comics' translators, not me.

	He had listened to their conversation from a ways back, using an
amplified directional microphone. 

Hehhehheh... It would be Gos, wouldn't it?

Seriously, I would recommend being a little more specific than 'a ways
back'.  

OK.

	Until one day. No more praise. No more stars.

	No more mother.

Hmmm.  

Gary, we are definitely from opposite schools of thought.  

But that was pretty obvious already... :-)

Personally, I think it would have been better if you'd just hinted at it, 
keeping the 'I just stopped for awhile' comments, and adding perhaps some 
dialogue between them on the topic of your choice.  Meanwhile, you have
the idea for another fanfic, one which shows little Akane growing up and
dealing with the loss of her mother.  Keep it separate from this, please.

OK, good point... I'll consider making this a seperate side story.

	Kasumi turned, nearly blushing with embarrassment. "Oh, I'm
sorry, Father! I only put up those buildings because I thought the red
color went well with the green!"

Airheaded Kasumi, I see.  

Not necessarily... she could be acting that way as a mask, or because
she's embarrassed about having taken money from her father. I'm not
saying. I like my Kasumi somewhat inscrutable.

	He had been dating another girl all along. When Akane found out
and confronted him about it, all he did was shrug and tell her that she
couldn't understand, it was a guy thing.

More backstory... This I can understand somewhat; after all, it's 
necessary to fully understanding the next scene (though it could be
shortened).  

I'll see what can be done.

	Koichi handed her a business card. "I work for the Tsumaranai
Security Company. For one low price, our company could install our
deluxe model security system in your home. It can give you that early
warning that could save your..."

(twitch)

Beautiful touch, Gary.

Thankyew.

	"And no sense of smell," Ranma finished for her. "That old
turd's had about one bath in the last three years."

And Richard gets on *me* for the scatological details.  

I'm well known for being completely incorrigible in that regard. ^_^

Why would she give up?  She chased Onna-Ranma across China and into Japan!
This strikes me as very un-Shampoo of her, even with everyone staring down
at her.  She's never been that conscious of others showing hatred at
her before...

What can she do? She's not capable of forcing Ranma to come with her,
under current circumstances. If she tries, it'll only piss Ranma off,
which will probably make him continue to resist going to the Nekohanten
until it's too late. Waiting will give her a chance that he'll come with
her after the ceremony.

Persistent she is, but I don't see her as stupid.

This strikes me as contrived.  Mousse runs in, using water to try to
change her, apologizes so profusely it's ridiculous without even stating
his reasons for the act (even though they are obvious), and just happens
to splash Ranma.

Well, that's the Ranmaverse for you. Ranma is a human water magnet.

	"NO!" Ranma shouted frantically as he grabbed the priest by the
collar. "We're going to finish it, do you hear? NOW! Before something
else happens!"

He?

Akane's POV. Akane thinks of Ranma as a he, despite his current physical
gender. (See Megane 6.7's latest MSTing.)

You definitely need to work on you pacing, Gary.  You spend endless
paragraphs talking about Akane's training in the Art, then rush the climax
of the work with these two lines.  

Hmmm... will think about it.

	Shampoo sat in the foyer, ignoring the groveling Mousse, as the
wedding party emerged. She looked anxiously up at them. "Ceremony
finished
now?"

"Yes.  Weren't you supposed to stop it?"

Nope. She was supposed to get Ranma to the Nekohanten as quickly as
possible.

This is a story of Ranma and Akane's wedding.  However, you glossed over
the more romantic parts.  Moreover, you dwelt on things that should have
been either mentioned in passing or ignored entirely.  You tried to
spoon-feed the work to your audience; there was no subtlety to the work,
nothing that I could really see beneath the surface.  Essentially, you
tried to be subtle with things that should have been shown, and showed
things that you should have been subtle with.  

Will think about this.

Characterization: For someone who prides himself on IC characters (to the
point of chastising others on it), there were some serious OOC parts in
this, notably with Soun and Shampoo.  Soun does not do domestic stuff.
Period.  End of story.

Correction, Soun HAS never done domestic stuff. If you lived with
Kasumi, chances are you wouldn't either.

 Shampoo does not sit idly by while the love of her
life marries someone else.  Period.  End of story.

Just what did you *expect* her to do? Attack the wedding party? When
she's grossly outnumbered, and when doing so would risk alienating
people who Great Grandmother is counting on to be the future allies of
her people?

I repeat, Shampoo is persistent, but she isn't stupid. She'll pursue a
goal fanatically when there's a chance of achieving it, but she IS
capable of stopping. The famous "bie liao" scene proves that.

 Both of these things
are so ingrained into the character that SERIOUS exposition as to why they
would go against it would have to be given.

Please explain why Soun's supposed inability to cook is "ingrained into
his character." This I don't get at all.

 To me, it looks like you
twisted the characters out of shape to do your will - precisely what you
accuse others of on a regular basis.

And to me, it looks like you are criticizing my characterizations only
because I criticized your characterizations. (And IIRC, I did so *once,*
not on a "regular basis.")

But if you want to play devil's advocate on my use of the characters,
that's fine. I'm not convinced by either of your arguments at this
point, though.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics