Subject: Re: [FFML] [Ranma][Fanfic][Revised] Hearts and Minds Prelude 5 - Tendo Akane: Something Old
From: TSchmidt@tcon.net
Date: 8/20/1998, 12:35 AM
To: KLEPPE@execpc.com (Gary Kleppe), ffml@fanfic.com

		     HEARTS AND MINDS PRELUDE FIVE
		       TENDO AKANE: SOMETHING OLD

		       Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
			     by Gary Kleppe



	Akane had always expected that there would be some big romantic
moment in which she and Ranma would admit their love for each other. She
often pictured in her mind how this would happen. Sometimes the
imaginary scene would end with him telling her it was all a joke and
that he could never love an uncute tomboy like her; but sometimes it
wouldn't.

	When the two of them actually did finally decide that they would
become husband and wife, it wasn't like that. Getting married simply
seemed like the thing to do at the time.

The narration here seems a bit overdone.  I think it takes away from the 
strength of the scene to forecast it this bluntly.  I understand the point 
you're trying to make, but it could be a little more subtle.


           But how? Maybe Ranma had been right. There wasn't 
much Gosunkugi could do to interfere with his wedding. The best 
he could do would be to try to find someone who could.

I'm not sure I understand the purpose of this Gosunkugi scene, other
than to set up his chapter and make us think that Shampoo was informed
by him.  Am I missing something?





She thought about the man she was marrying. He often insulted
and provoked her; but he didn't deserve the way she sometimes treated
him. Did she unconsciously try to hurt Ranma, to get back at Koichi?

I really doubt it.  I don't find this speculation at all convincing.




"Ranma!" The doors burst open. Shampoo burst in, running toward
the wedding party. "Ranma! You need come quick!"

Don't repeat "burst" like that.



Shampoo's gazed with eyes that were truly haunted.


What?


My impressions:  I still don't care about Koichi, but his scenes seem
less obnoxious than they did before (though that could be my imagination.)
Everything else is clever and entertaining, although I had trouble
accepting your rationalizations through made-up history of Akane's 
behavior, leaving me with the impression that she's a bit simple-minded. 
(It is her introspection we're reading, after all.)  This prelude feels
a bit empty, compared to the others -- but I guess that understated 
atmosphere is part of the point.

This is a good fic, but I think it would be much weaker as a stand 
alone than as a part of the generally excellent HaM series.

Thomas Schmidt
Tschmidt@tcon.net
 -- Starting my freshman year at college on Friday...I suppose I'll
have to change my e-mail address again.  Sigh.