Hokay... let's see what we have here.

On Wed, 19 Aug 1998, Gary Kleppe wrote:

	I apologize to the loyal readers for the lateness of this
chapter. RL is starting to get busy for me, but HaM will be getting top
fanfic priority. Previous chapters are at
<http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics.html#ham>. C&C is especially
sought, as this part has been revised a bit more extensively than the
previous few chapters, and on-list response is preferred. Oh, and if
anyone has a better idea for a chapter title, lemme know, 'cause I'm not
terribly crazy about this one.

As you wish.  First-pass C&C.  Cuisinart mode: on.  

		     HEARTS AND MINDS PRELUDE FIVE
		       TENDO AKANE: SOMETHING OLD

'Behind The Veil', perhaps?

		       Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
			     by Gary Kleppe

	Akane hung up the phone, amazed at what she had just said and
even more amazed that she had *meant* it. In the old days, she would
have looked forward to a visit from Kuno about as much as a root canal
operation; but he had sounded quite reasonable on the phone; not at all
like the boy who used to pledge his love to her three times a week.

Any particular reason why?  I'm referring to both of their behaviors
here.  I've read the Kunou section, so I can understand his somewhat...
but Akane's reaction is a different matter.  

	Soun was at the grocery store. Akane's food didn't usually
inspire the immediate bad reactions it once had, but it still left a lot
to be desired in terms of taste. She worked on it when she could, but
improvement was slow and difficult. So Soun did most of the cooking, and
he had become pretty good at it.

This strikes me as extremely out-of-character.  Soun cooking?  If this
were accurate characterization, he would have started back when his kids
were still kids, just after his wife died.  Moreover, he has, for the most
part, avoided any such duties like the plague.  Thirdly, if you look at
the attitudes in Japan, cooking is still considered, for the most part,
women's work.

Do you have ANY manga to back this change of heart up?

BTW, yes, I am being very hard on you, in order to prove a point.  If
you're going to be snobbish about characterization (as you are, all too
often), then your own has got to be airtight, otherwise you're nothing
more than a hypocrite.

	Akane had always expected that there would be some big romantic
moment in which she and Ranma would admit their love for each other. She
often pictured in her mind how this would happen. Sometimes the
imaginary scene would end with him telling her it was all a joke and
that he could never love an uncute tomboy like her; but sometimes it
wouldn't.

Lovely opening paragraph to the scene.

	When the two of them actually did finally decide that they would
become husband and wife, it wasn't like that. Getting married simply
seemed like the thing to do at the time.

I've known people like this.  It usually meant a breakup within a couple
of years. ^_^

	It was late in the evening. Ranma and Akane had just been to the
Cupid Cafe, where something yet unknown had caused Ranma's female side
to be in love with Upperclassman Kuno.

	Now they sat in Akane's room.

	"Man, that was scary," Ranma said. "It was like I was a whole
different person. I just can't believe I... with Kuno... what I was
thinking of..."

Well, he hasn't had the benefit of being stuck in the form for over a
year, a six-month search for a cure ending in disaster, coupled with an
agonizing breakup with Akane leading to his own attempted suicide.  ^_^

Good description of it, BTW, though I never liked the 'mind-altering
substance' trick.  Always struck me as being too contrived, and too easy.

	Akane didn't know how to take that last remark. It could have
been one of the nicest things Ranma had said to her so far. Or not.
"Nobody *has* to get married, Ranma." She couldn't resist adding.
"You're not pregnant, are you?"

Not yet... ^_^ (Yes, I have read that ep.  Not bad; very nice descriptions
there.)

	"Very funny." A little hurt showed through in Ranma's voice. "I
could marry someone else if I wanted, y'know."

	Images of Ranma with Ukyo and Shampoo flooded Akane's mind. "You
think I care? Marry KUNO if you want!"

This strikes me as an overreaction to the situation.  She gets angry; just
not that bloody QUICKLY.  Maybe if it were shown with some sort of motion
showing more flippancy than anger in her response.  

	"I'm... sorry... I didn't mean... I just meant that... if *you*
don't mind... then I don't."

	"Really?" Ranma turned hesitantly back toward Akane.

Who's saying what, here?  I think Ranma's saying the first line, and Akane
the second; however, with Ranma as the subject of the sentence of the
second line, it tends to indicate that he's saying that one as well.  

	Big romantic moment?

	Close enough.

No, it's not.  Needs a kiss in there.  ^_^

	Akane and Ranma decided then that they would get married, but
that they would wait until after they both graduated from high school.
They also stipulated that they were going to be the ones to make all of
the arrangements this time. If it was going to happen, it would be done
their way. Their fathers accepted these conditions with only a little
grumbling.

	As the wedding date approached, they realized they would need a
place to hold the ceremony. For obvious reasons, they didn't want to get
married in the Tendo house or any of the other old familiar places. They
needed somewhere new.

And, as Gary holds the fast-forward button...

Sorry.  I just don't like when someone does this sort of thing without a
scene break.  

	Ranma and Akane stood in the foyer of Romance Villa, an old
vine-covered stone chapel; an impressive structure, though several
cracks showed in the walls.

Nice description, but PLEASE change the name.  It sounds like a drive-thru
Vegas wedding shop.

	"True, but it can't hurt to be careful. I want this to be
finally over and done with." If that was at all possible. She remembered
a saying that said that no plan could be foolproof if there were
ingenious enough fools around.

Engineer's version: Build something to be idiot-proof, and the world will
come up with a brand-new idiot.  

	Hikaru Gosunkugi watched as Ranma and Akane boarded the bus.

	He had listened to their conversation from a ways back, using an
amplified directional microphone. 

Hehhehheh... It would be Gos, wouldn't it?

Seriously, I would recommend being a little more specific than 'a ways
back'.  

	Until one day. No more praise. No more stars.

	No more mother.

Hmmm.  

Gary, we are definitely from opposite schools of thought.  

The flashback scene is nice... but it's way too much backstory.  You
managed to segue into it nicely, the description of what happened,
especially the detail with the stars, was beautifully played... but this
has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH RANMA AND AKANE'S WEDDING!  To put it
simply, this much dwelling on it doesn't belong here.  It feels like ice
cream's being shoved into my face when I still want to finish my
vegetables.

Personally, I think it would have been better if you'd just hinted at it, 
keeping the 'I just stopped for awhile' comments, and adding perhaps some 
dialogue between them on the topic of your choice.  Meanwhile, you have
the idea for another fanfic, one which shows little Akane growing up and
dealing with the loss of her mother.  Keep it separate from this, please.

	"Goodness," exclaimed Kasumi. "Is that Koichi?"

	Ranma moved next to Kasumi. "You know this guy?"

Occasionally, weird stuff like this does happen.  My last steady
girlfriend (in high school, unfortunately) ended up marrying a teacher's
assistant for one of my senior-level college classes.  

	Soun groaned in dismay as he stared at the game. "Pennsylvania
Avenue. That's Kasumi's. I owe twelve hundred and fifty dollars rent."

	Kasumi turned, nearly blushing with embarrassment. "Oh, I'm
sorry, Father! I only put up those buildings because I thought the red
color went well with the green!"

Airheaded Kasumi, I see.  

	"Lunch tomorrow? I suppose that would be okay. Anywhere except
Otaku Bell. 

(blink)  Who's the spokesbeing, a talking P-chan?

	Now there was a plan. Cunning in its simplicity. It was the
clever plan to end all clever plans. But would it work? Or would Akane
and Koichi end up the ones married next week?

heh.  

	He had been dating another girl all along. When Akane found out
and confronted him about it, all he did was shrug and tell her that she
couldn't understand, it was a guy thing.

More backstory... This I can understand somewhat; after all, it's 
necessary to fully understanding the next scene (though it could be
shortened).  

	Confusion ran amok in Akane's mind. He was offering... what? For
her to move in with him?

Cool.  It's not often I see the word 'amok' in a fanfic.

	Koichi handed her a business card. "I work for the Tsumaranai
Security Company. For one low price, our company could install our
deluxe model security system in your home. It can give you that early
warning that could save your..."

(twitch)

Beautiful touch, Gary.

	Koichi smiled wistfully as he pulled out his credit card. After
all these years, Akane was still the same idealistic little girl that he
knew from middle school.

	He checked his watch. Time to return to the real world. He had
to get back to work, then meet Emonoko for the wedding rehearsal. He had
never imagined that he'd be able to marry someone like her. Not only was
she beautiful enough to make most anyone stare, her father was the head
of Akubi industries. With a little luck, he would soon make
vice-president.

	Yes, Akane had grown into a pretty young woman, but she
certainly wasn't in a class with Emonoko -- nor with most of the other
women he had dated over the past few years. Still, he'd always remember
her. She was the one he had really *liked.*

	Not that that mattered. There were certain things that a guy had
to do. Akane wouldn't understand. Sometimes Koichi felt like even he
himself didn't understand.

This is nice.  It's a great addition to the story.  It shows just how
hollow Koichi is.  Also, it's NOT done in a flashback format - he mentions
the women he's dated over the years, but doesn't go into the details of
it.

	Suddenly, Kaede got a good look at the diminutive sensei.
"Happy?"

	"Huh?" Happosai turned, then gaped in shock. "YOU?!"

	"Happy!" Anger crept onto Kaede's face. "How dare you chase
after these women? You promised to marry ME!"

heeheehee...

	"And no sense of smell," Ranma finished for her. "That old
turd's had about one bath in the last three years."

And Richard gets on *me* for the scatological details.  

	By the time Mousse's eyes opened and his attention returned to
reality, Shampoo was gone, and the doors to the chapel were wide open.

Well done.

	Romance Villa's low prices obviously meant they had to cut a few
corners. The organist was terrible. Akane recognized her as also being
the cleaning woman. But it didn't matter, not really. Things between her
and Ranma would finally be resolved; that was what mattered.

Oh, dear; it IS one of those Vegas places!  ^_^

	"I... I...." Shampoo looked all around the room, as if searching
for a friendly face. Except for Kasumi, who still smiled blissfully, the
Saotomes and Tendos stared at her coldly. Kaede, Ryoga, and Akari
glanced nervously around the room; the priest seemed completely
confused; and Hiroshi and Daisuke gazed at the Amazon's legs.

(giggle)  Nice.  

	"I sorry, Ranma." Shampoo bowed her head. "I sit quietly, let
you get married."

	"You will sit outside, young lady," Nodoka said.

	For Akane it was nothing short of unbelieveable. Shampoo, the
most stubborn person she had ever known, had backed down. Given up. She
only hoped that her rival hadn't come to warn them of some real disaster
that was imminent. Would the headlines tomorrow read *Nerima invaded by
killer demons while martial artists busy at wedding?*

Why would she give up?  She chased Onna-Ranma across China and into Japan!
This strikes me as very un-Shampoo of her, even with everyone staring down
at her.  She's never been that conscious of others showing hatred at
her before...

	"Huh?" Mousse looked up.

	"You missed."

	Shampoo was still human. "Stupid Mousse!"

	Mousse stood up as his gaze panned over, to Ranma, who glared at
him with extreme hostility. Wet. And female. "Um... oops," Mousse said
feebly.

This strikes me as contrived.  Mousse runs in, using water to try to
change her, apologizes so profusely it's ridiculous without even stating
his reasons for the act (even though they are obvious), and just happens
to splash Ranma.

	"NO!" Ranma shouted frantically as he grabbed the priest by the
collar. "We're going to finish it, do you hear? NOW! Before something
else happens!"

He?

	"MAN!"

	"... this man..."

Heh.

	She did.

	He did, too.

You definitely need to work on you pacing, Gary.  You spend endless
paragraphs talking about Akane's training in the Art, then rush the climax
of the work with these two lines.  

	Shampoo sat in the foyer, ignoring the groveling Mousse, as the
wedding party emerged. She looked anxiously up at them. "Ceremony
finished
now?"

"Yes.  Weren't you supposed to stop it?"

	"It Great-Grandmother. She need you come right now PLEASE!"

	"That old ghoul? What does she want?"

	Shampoo's gazed with eyes that were truly haunted.
"Great-Grandmother is dying!"

I don't care if Great-grandmother is dying.  Shampoo would NOT give up so
easily.  She'd know what was going on, and would try to stop the wedding.  
 

TO BE CONTINUED...


	NOTE: "Romance Villa" and associated characters were taken from
a one-shot story, by Takahashi-sama of course. The Viz translation is
titled "The Merchant of Romance" and is in the first Rumic Theater
"Graphic Novel".

Oh.  heeheehee...

Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics

Overall?  

It's a decent work, better than most of what comes out of the ML.
However, it didn't have much emotional impact for me, because you failed
to concentrate on what was important.  

This is a story of Ranma and Akane's wedding.  However, you glossed over
the more romantic parts.  Moreover, you dwelt on things that should have
been either mentioned in passing or ignored entirely.  You tried to
spoon-feed the work to your audience; there was no subtlety to the work,
nothing that I could really see beneath the surface.  Essentially, you
tried to be subtle with things that should have been shown, and showed
things that you should have been subtle with.  

Characterization: For someone who prides himself on IC characters (to the
point of chastising others on it), there were some serious OOC parts in
this, notably with Soun and Shampoo.  Soun does not do domestic stuff.
Period.  End of story.  Shampoo does not sit idly by while the love of her
life marries someone else.  Period.  End of story.  Both of these things
are so ingrained into the character that SERIOUS exposition as to why they
would go against it would have to be given.  To me, it looks like you
twisted the characters out of shape to do your will - precisely what you
accuse others of on a regular basis.

-- Nick