graysont@rigroup.net (RIG NET- Grayson Towler) wrote:

Akane drifted in a dark sea somewhere below the reaches of 
consciousness, oblivious to the passage of time.  She was in a 
strange nether zone between dreaming and lucidity, unwilling to 
move towards awakening for fear of what she might find there.

<Why am I afraid of waking up?>

<And why is Rod Serling doing a voice-over?> :-)

"I'm okay, daddy," she managed, this time intelligibly.  "See?"

I think "Daddy" should be capitalized when used as a name (as opposed
to, e.g. "my daddy".)

overwhelmed that they gave up.  It was sheer bluff, of course - 
Tarou didn't know what force it was that kept him in the air, but 
it certainly wasn't physics.  His comparatively tiny crane wings 
had no more aerodynamic chance of lifting his ponderous minotaur 
body than a swallow had of carrying a coconut, but those fools 

But what if it were an *African* swallow?

Ranma and Tarou were constantly at each other's throats.  Sometimes 
she felt that if she heard another nasty slight about menstruation 
or another awful pun about women's underwear she was going to go 
insane.  The two of them almost never let up.  She had no idea why 
they hated each other to such a degree, but there was very little 
she could do to defuse their constant bickering.  She eventually 
ended up resorting to hauling out the spatula and whapping Ranma 
on the head to stop the arguments.  It wasn't much of a diplomatic 
strategy, but it seemed to work a bit.

Could use the past perfect tense here -- She had eventually resorted
to...

If only the guy wasn't such a complete jerk.

Should be weren't rather than wasn't (subjunctive case)

<You'll get it when it's ready, you stupid cow,> Nabiki snarled 
mentally.  "We'll have it out to you as soon as possible, ma'am."

Nabiki Tendo IS Basil Fawlty!

Nabiki staggered away towards the phone, which was ringing in its 
shrill, insistent voice once again.  As if her life wasn't 

Should be weren't

complicated enough right now, it seemed as if Konatsu was developing 
a crush on her.  

<This,> she decided, <is as bad as it will ever get.>

Ack... *never* say something like that. :p

Ukyou sat back and regarded the campfire with satisfaction. All 
her chores for setting up camp were done, and she was ready to cook 
as soon as the guys got back from their foraging.  It was a bit 
unsettling to send Tarou and Ranma off into the woods - she was 

I'd use It had been a bit unsettling... here.

<This is bad,> Ukyou thought, her mind racing.  <This is not good 
at all.>  She still saw Ryouga as her best bet for getting Akane 
out of the picture.  As much as Ukyou bickered and fought with 
Shampoo, she knew that Akane was the real threat to her chances 
of marrying Ranma.  Ukyou had seen Akane show affection for Ryouga - 
she was certain they'd get together, if only the lost boy could get 
over his paralyzing shyness.  This was all part of her ideal picture 
of the future:  she'd end up with Ranma and they'd be happy, Akane 
would end up with Ryouga and they'd be happy, Shampoo would marry 
that weirdo with the glasses and they'd go away, and Kodachi would 
find a good therapist who prescribed Prozac or something.  
Everybody lived happily ever after.

I like this... it's a side of Ukyo that you rarely see in fanfics, yet
it's very IC.

"So you need a woman who's worthy of you!"  Ukyou glanced around 
and made sure Ranma hadn't come back without her noticing it - she 
wouldn't want him to hear what she was about to say.  "You need 
somebody like Akane, who's got all that sweetness stuff you like, 
but who's a martial artist too.  You're too good a guy to settle 
for some boring old homebody, even if she is cute.  You need... no, 
you DESERVE a woman of substance!"

Ryouga stared saucer-eyed at her.  "You... you really think that 
highly of me?"

"Sure I do!" Ukyou assured him glibly.  She punched him good-
naturedly in the shoulder.  "I'm a martial artist, and a woman.  
Believe me, I know what I'm talking about here."

This promises much amusement if it's going where I think it is... but
those last lines might be making it a bit too obvious.

Why, then, did she feel so low?

Well, because she... <sees battle spatula raised> never mind, none of my
business!

The sisters were jarred out of their thoughts by the familiar sound 
of a bicycle bell.  They stopped, then turned as one towards the 
noise.  

"Why there no one head for Shampoo to crash into in this scene?" :)

Shampoo banked around the corner of the fence top, making a 
near-impossible 90 degree turn at speed as easily as Akane or 
Nabiki might skip over a crack.  She disappeared out of sight, 
and the soft clatter of her bicycle died away shortly after.  
Akane and Nabiki stared after the Chinese girl for a long time, 
absorbed in their own thoughts, until they finally turned to face 
one another.

"I have to go train." 

"I've got to get to work." 

The sisters parted ways, each one wearing an expression of grim 
determination as she traveled on towards her own personal hell.

Nice scene... definitely adds some depth to Nabiki's character to see
that she has some of the same determination that her sister does.

She frowned and glared at the evergreens.  Lots of little things 
were starting to bug the hell out of her lately.  She could feel 
it - she was getting close to the end of her fuse.

Which was not all that long to begin with....

"You heard me!  And even if I WASN'T engaged to Ranma, I still 

Should be weren't (but may be Ukyo's mistake rather than yours).

"You jackass!" she groaned in exasperation.  "It's always about 
your stupid name, isn't it?  I said I didn't care about that, and 
I meant it.  But YOU seem to think that having a bad name gives 
you an excuse to treat everyone else like crap and be a jerk all 
the time!"

"Uh... well, doesn't it?"

"Oh please.  How naive.  He hasn't even looked at you twice during 
this whole trip except when he wants a second helping at dinner.  

Tense mismatch here... either "hasn't" should be "doesn't," or "he
wants" should be "he's wanted."

Ryouga eyed the flask with suspicion for a moment.  Then, he crossed 

his arms and shook his head in contempt.  "So that's it, eh?  It 

Extra line break there.

always comes down to this.  They should call you 'Garden-Hose' 
Tarou, because the only way you win fights is by splashing water 
around."

He'd probably like that name better, though....

It might have made a difference to Tarou to realize that what he 
thought was composure and poise in Ryouga was really something else
entirely.  At the moment, Ryouga was concentrating with all his 
might on the most depressing things he could think of.  He assumed 
that Tarou was going to change into his powerful cursed form in 
a few seconds, and he knew that his only chance against such a foe 
was to use a Perfect Shi-Shi Hokouden.  Ryouga was attempting to 

I think that's spelled "Houkoudan." Of course, if people didn't misspell
this attack, there never would've been "Ryoga Goes To New Jersey"....

Overall, another very good chapter in this series. Keep 'em coming!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics