Past episodes of Furinkan Summer can be found at
http://www.tass.org/~rhea/Stories/RPlace/index.html

[We see Ranma and Akane walking down the street together.  Unlike their 
usual behavior, this time, they are BOTH walking on the fence.]

Akane:  Wow, you really can see a lot more from up here.

Ranma:  That's why I like to do this.  It's good balance practice too.

[They come to the end of the fence.]

Akane:  Until this happens.

[Ranma leaps off and lands on a crack.]

Ranma:  Oops.

Akane:  [leaps down]  Oops?

Ranma:  [thinking]  Step on a crack, break your mother's back.  [out 
loud]  Just being silly and superstitious.  Don't mind me.  [He turns 
and walks under a nearby ladder, then a black cat being chased by a white
cat runs in front of him.  He dodges and crashes into a deliveryman
carrying a mirror.  It breaks.]  Uh oh...


[The deliveryman chases Ranma all the way to the dojo.  Akane 
follows them and looks at the calendar as she goes by it in the kitchen.   
The date is June 4.]

Akane:  Urk.  An unlucky day.  This could be bad.

[A monk wanders out of the pantry, holding a string of sausages]

Monk:  [claps his hands]  It is fate.  I have foreseen a great and 
terrible event will take place on this day.

Akane:  Food THIEF!  [She picks him up and punts him into orbit.]  I 
wonder who that was.

Monk:   I got to keep the sausage!  [claps his hands and drops the 
sausage, sighs]  Such is fate.

*************************

Furinkan Summer #6

"Heeeere's Happy!
 But will anyone be happy to see him?"

By John Biles

"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.

My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.

Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.

We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.

Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.

Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.


****************************

[We see Happy and Cologne get off the boat.  Both look like they did 
when they were around 20 or so.  (See episode 5 for why)  This isn't much
of an improvement in Happy's case.  They catch a taxi.]

Happy:  Take us to the Tendo Dojo!

Taxi-driver:  What are you, nuts?  Only crazy martial artists want to go 
there.

Happy:  [pulls out a happo-darikin]  You SURE you don't want to take us?


Taxi-Driver:  YES, SIR!  Here we go!

[He roars off.]

************************

[We see Kasumi busily packing up in her room.  Nabiki walks in.]

Kasumi:  Hello, Nabiki-chan.

Nabiki:  Hiya, sis.  Excited about your trip?

Kasumi:  Very excited.  [smiles]  Gosunkugi-kun and Akemi-chan are 
really excited too.  I hope you won't have trouble staying fed while I'm
gone.

Nabiki:  Well, with Ranma and Genma and Saotome-san gone, we'll have 
less mouths to feed.  Assuming their grandparents leave with them.

Kasumi:  [laughs faintly]  I see you have somewhat more respect for 
Ranma's mother than father.

Nabiki:  That surprises you?

Kasumi:  I feel sorry for Mr. Saotome.  No one ever gives him any 
respect.

Nabiki:  He doesn't deserve any.

Kasumi:  Disrespecting someone is not a good way to make them worthy of 
respect.

Nabiki:  [blinks]  I suppose, but I think respect has to be earned.

Kasumi:  [tries to close her suitcase, but it springs open]  Can you sit 
on this?

Nabiki:  [clambers up on the suitcase]  Have you ever met Ryouga's 
father?

Kasumi:  I think Ryouga hasn't even met him in a few years.  [closes the 
suitcase, which quivers as if it is going to explode.  Nabiki scrambles
off it]

Nabiki:  Do you think he'll like me?

Kasumi:  [smiles]  I'm sure he'll like you.  You're a very sweet girl.

Nabiki:  [blinks]  Uh, thanks Kasumi.

Kasumi:  I'm sure he'll be proud of Ryouga getting a nice job, too.

Nabiki:  Assuming the principal is crazy enough to keep him on next 
year.

Kasumi:  Well, we signed renewal contracts yesterday for next year, so 
we're both set.

Nabiki:  ...

Kasumi:  I'm going to be teaching home ec in addition to my duties as 
chief disciplinarian.

Nabiki:  [smiles]  If you can make them half as good at home management 
as you are, Furinkan will probably become world famous.

Kasumi:  [smiles brightly]  Thank you, Nabiki.  So what are you going to 
do this summer?

Nabiki:  We're going to try to find Ryouga's parents.  That should take 
up all our time until I start at Tokyo University in the fall.

Kasumi:  Are you going to move into a dorm, or stay here?

Nabiki:  A dorm.  I don't want to try to commute.  

Kasumi:  So Ryouga will commute?

Nabiki:  Ryouga's going to stay here.  Dad would explode if Ryouga lived 
with me, and I'm gonna be in the dorm the first year.  I'll probably come
home some weekends, and he can always come down for an evening or vice versa.

Kasumi:  So when's the wedding?

Nabiki:  [laughs]  Not for a while.  We're in no rush.  [thinking]  
Well, I'm in no rush. Better to wait and make sure we're gonna last.
Ryouga's kinda antsy, though.  

************************

[We see Happy and Cologne getting out of their taxi in front of the 
Tendo Dojo.  An old man is walking down the street, and he stops and stares in shock at 
them.  The old man is only a little taller than Happousai, and is fairly
balding, but not so balding as Happy used to be.]

Old man:  So that's where that...I have him now.  [smiles]  Yes.  Our 
last encounter will be avenged.  Steal my techniques, will he?  I'll show
him.

Happousai:  [sneezes as he gets out of the taxi, tosses five gold coins 
to the driver]  Keep the change.

Taxi Driver:  Are these real gold?

Happousai:  They're real Musk Dynasty gold coins.  Stol...borrowed 
directly from their treasury.

Cologne:  Come dear, we need to let everyone know we're back.

Happousai:  [throws two pairs of panties to the driver]  Here's your 
tip.

Taxi Driver:  Uh, right.  

Old Man:  [sneaks across the street while Happousai is distracted]  Time 
to do a little scouting before I send in my granddaughter.

************************

[We see Shinnosuke and a young girl, who looks to be around age 12.  She 
had long green hair, but is dressed similarly to Shinnosuke, complete
with a long broom.  They are walking through a field.]

Shinnosuke:  [looks around]  Hey, where did the forest go?

Girl:  If you tell me you don't know my name too, I'm going to hit you 
again.

Shinnosuke:  You're my sister, right?

[She whacks him in the head with the broom.]

Girl:  You're an only child.

Shinnosuke:  You're my mother, time travelling from the past?"

Girl:  [whacks him again, sounds irritated]  No!  

Shinnosuke:  Oh wait, you're my cousin Hitomi, right?

Hitomi:  Yes!

Shinnosuke:  Why do you have a girl's name if you're a boy?

Hitomi:  BECAUSE I'M A GIRL!  [mutters]  Geez, I'm glad I didn't inherit 
the brain damage on your side of the family.

Shinnosuke:  So where are we...oh, I remember where we're going.

Hitomi:  [looks stunned]  Really?

Shinnosuke:  We're off to see the Wizard of Oz so he can fix my memory 
problems, right?

Hitomi:  Close.  We're going to see this wizard that Grandpa heard 
about, to see if he can fix your brain.

Shinnosuke:  Maybe he can give you a better temper too.

Hitomi:  When you can remember who I am for more than five minutes, you 
can talk about my temper.

Shinnosuke:  Who are you?

[Fade to next scene to the tune of screaming.]

************************

[Akane follows Ranma into the living room.]

Ranma:  Crazy deliveryman.  Well, I'm safe now.

Akane:  Unless...

[The sliding doors slide open.  Happousai and Cologne walk in.]

Happousai:  Did everyone miss me?

Ranma:  Do I know you?

Akane:  [thinking]  They look vaguely familiar.

Cologne:  [laughs]  They don't recognize us.

Happousai:  I'm sure that my stunning handsomeness should be 
recognizable, no matter what age I am.

Akane:  What stunning handsomeness?

Cologne:  I am Cologne, and this is Happousai.  We took a little trip to 
Jusenkyo and got ourselves youthened.

Ranma:  So you turn old and ugly again with hot water?  [pauses]  Well, 
I guess it doesn't affect Happy much either way.

Happousai:  [bounces a travel guide off Ranma's head]  HEY!

Cologne:  [holds up the Musk Dynasty's form locking bucket and ladle]  
We used this.

Ranma:  Didn't that thing get buried?

Cologne:  [rolls her eyes]  The amazing thing about burying something is 
that you can dig it up.  Herb waited for everyone to go home, then dug it out.

Ranma: Well, keep it away from me.  Last thing I want is to be locked in 
my cursed form.  

Happousai:  What a great idea!  [leaps at Ranma, who runs for his 
life...well, his manhood, anyway.  Akane runs after Happousai, and
Cologne brings up the rear of the pack]

****************

[We see the Nekohanten.  Shampoo is adjusting her glasses 
surreptitiously, while Mousse is busy manning the cash register.  We can
hear Shelf at work in the kitchen.]

Customer:  [a sad looking blonde girl, who is somewhere in the fifteen 
to seventeen range]  I'd like to order.

Shampoo:  [walks over to the girl]  What would you like?

Customer:  I...I want my boyfriend back. [begins to cry]  

Shampoo:  Shampoo afraid that Nekohanten doesn't have boyfriends on the 
menu.  How about some nice pork ramen?

Customer:  I just...he was in love with...this other girl, and I never 
realized.  I thought he loved me.  [begins to cry]

Shampoo:  [pats the girl on the head]  So he lead you on with promises, 
then dumped you?

Customer:  [sighs]  I fooled myself.  It was all in my head.  I can look 
at it now and see that Kasuga-kun never loved me, but...

Shampoo:  Shampoo understand.  Mousse has same problem as you.  

Mousse:  HEY!  I HEARD that!  

Customer:  [giggles a little]  Is he your brother?

Shampoo:  Shampoo wish Mousse was brother.  Then he couldn't pester 
Shampoo to marry him.

[Before Mousse can reply, Ranma runs in the front door, leaps across the 
room, and hides behind Mousse, who blinks.  Happousai charges in a second
later and leaps towards Mousse, who simply sidesteps, then sees the
bucket and jumps halfway across the room.  Akane and Cologne run in a few
seconds later.]

Akane:  GET AWAY FROM RANMA, HAPPY!

Cologne:  Happy!  Stop it!

Shelf:  [in the kitchen]  Oh great.  Happousai.  [runs out into the 
dining area.  Ranma and Happousai are circling the cash register,
watching each other warily. Mousse has grabbed Shampoo and dragged her to
the far side of the room]

Shampoo:  Let go of SHAMPOO!  [starts beating on Mousse's head.]

Mousse:  [deftly steals her glasses]  Okay.  [lets go.  Shampoo runs 
over to the blonde customer]

Shampoo:  Leave Ranma alone!  [gesticulates wildly at the customer, 
whose eyes get big.  She runs out of the store with Shampoo in pursuit]

Shelf:  WHAT is going on here?

Ranma:  Happy's trying to turn me into a girl permanently with the Musk 
bucket thing!

Cologne:  [sees Shelf]  Oh, hello!  [turns to Happy]  Happy-chan!  
[glomps onto him]  What are you doing?  You've got me, you don't need to
turn Ranma into a girl!  He can't marry Shampoo if that happens.

Happousai:  [snuggles up to Cologne]  Hmm.  So he'd be my 
great-grandson-in-law if he married Shampoo?

Cologne:  Is that a proposal?  [Her eyes light up]

Shelf:  YOU CANNOT PROPOSE TO HER!  SHE'S MARRIED TO ME!

Cologne:  Now, now, Shelf-chan.  You know we don't have any problems 
with polyandry in our tribe.

Shelf:  I HAVE A MAJOR PROBLEM WITH IT!  I can't BELIEVE you're snuggled 
up to this perverted little thief!  [waves his arms about and jumps up and 
down.

Mousse:  [walks over]  She accidentally ate love cookies.  [thinking]  I 
won't mention it was my fault.

Shelf:  Oh, ho, ho!  Well, then!  [runs into the kitchen.  Sounds of 
frantic cooking]

Happousai:  Sure, I'll marry you, Cologne-chan!  [thinking]  Then I'll 
be able to order Ranma to stay still so I can use this bucket on him.
[cackles]

Akane:  [whispers to Ranma]  We've got to get the bucket away from him.

Ranma:  [nods, whispers]  You distract him, while I get the bucket.

Akane:  [shakes her head, whispers]  You distract him, I'll get the 
bucket.  It won't do anything to me if he splashes me with it.

Ranma:  [gestures to Mousse]  Yo, Mousse.

Mousse:  [comes over]  Yes?

Ranma:  That's the Musk dynasty bucket.

Mousse:  The one that...

Ranma:  [nods]  Guess what he's planning to do with it.

Mousse:  [has a vision of himself being served by Shampoo as Peking Duck 
at the double wedding of Shampoo and Ranma and Happousai and Cologne]
Not while I live!  [he snakes out a chain and grabs the bucket from the
distracted Happousai.  The bucket flies into Mousse's hands]

Akane:  [thinking]  Guess I won't be needing that diversion.  

Happousai:  HEY!

Cologne:  Give us back the bucket, duck boy!  [charges at Mousse]  

Shelf:  [runs out, carrying a small keg]  Here, try out this sake, 
Happousai.

Happousai:  I must punish Ranma for theft first!

Shelf:  [quickly writes on the keg while no one is looking]  But it 
expires in five minutes.  You wouldn't want this poor sake to die undrunk,
would you?

Happousai:  That would be a shame.  [grabs the keg and starts chugging.  
Shelf grins]

Cologne:  Hand over the bucket now, or you'll never marry Shampoo!

Mousse:  I doubt you'd ever let me marry her anyway.

[Cologne leaps at Mousse, staff in hand.  He parries the staff, then 
kicks her across the room.]

Mousse:  [blinks]  Did that really happen?

Cologne:  You got lucky!  [She leaps at him, and they go at it.  
Amazingly, Mousse has the upper hand, which leaves the spectators confused.]

Shelf:  I have you now, Happousai!  That was my patented knock-out sake!  
No one can drink that and remain conscious, not even Shower Cap!

Happousai:  [belches]  Hmm.  Tasty.  

Shelf:  [blinks]  You should be collapsing now.

Happousai:  You've forgotten the time I drank Shower Cap under the 
table, I see.  [turns and sees Mousse beating up Cologne]  Hmm.  Am I
supposed to hallucinate?


Shelf:  No, just pass out.

Happousai:  DIE, MOUSSE!  [charges at Mousse, pulling out a 
happo-darikin.  Mousse casually punts him through the ceiling]  Maybe I'm
dreaming this.

Ranma:  [watching in awe]  Mousse must have been putting in some serious 
training.

Akane:  I think something's wrong with Cologne.  She's not fighting half 
as well as she should.

Shelf:  [walks over and sighs]  There are reasons why Cologne and I 
hadn't used Jyusenkyo to regain our youths before this.  The longer she
stays fixed in her youthful form, the more she will regress to who and
what she was when she was that age.  

Ranma:  She'll be a teenager forever?

Shelf:  And she'll never be able to change or improve.  She'll be locked 
in more ways than one.  Playing around with the age changing pools is not
very wise at all.  [sighs]

**************
[We see Mint and Lime circling over Tokyo in their flying boat.  The 
crew is running around taking care of sailor business.]

Mint:  Hoist the Mizzenmast!  Swing the yardarm!  Shiver me timbers!

[The crew ignores him and goes about their business]

Lime:  How are we ever going to find the old pervert in this huge city?

[The boat shakes and someone howls from the underside of the boat]

Voice:  MOUSSE!

[Mint and Lime look over the side and see Happousai stuck into the side 
of the boat]

Mint:  Someone give me a rope.

Sailor #1:  Here you go.  [hands Mint a rope]

Mint:  Now, get me a fishing pole.

Lime:  [thinking]  I don't like this.

[Soon, Lime finds himself being lowered on the rope from the fishing 
pole down to where Happousai is.]

Mint:  Now, just pull him out of the building.

Lime:  I'm going to kill you, Mint.

Mint:  You can kill me later.

[Lime pulls Happousai loose and they haul him up to the deck.]

Lime:  So where's the bucket and the ladle, Happy?

Happy:  Mousse STOLE IT!  I was tricked!  VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!

Mint:  I remember that Mousse guy.

Lime:  This won't be too hard.  We just need a plan.

Mint:  We charge in, kick Mousse's butt and take the bucket and ladle.

Lime:  [thinking]  Well, that's somewhat like a plan.

***************

[Back in the Nekohanten, Cologne is suspended by a chain, hanging from 
the ceiling.  Shelf is nearby, reading a book.  Akane, Ranma, and Mousse
are seated at a table nearby, eating ramen.]

Cologne:  Let me down!  I have to go find Happy-chan!

Shelf:  [paging through the book]  As soon as I find the cure for those 
cookies, I'll be happy to.

Akane:  I guess we ought to head home.

Ranma:  Good luck putting your wife's head back together, Shelf.  Did 
Conditioner already go back to China?

Shelf:  She's off having a drinking duel with some red-headed girl she 
encountered in a bar with a weird name.

Akane:  What bar?

Shelf:  Chachacha, or something like that.  She was ranting about 
finally finding a worthy apprentice or something.  If we're lucky, she'll
never return.

Cologne:  Don't bet on it.

Shelf:  Ah!  This should do it.  [pokes Cologne in the leg]  Now what do 
you think of Happousai?

Cologne:  [looks shifty]  What have you done with my precious?  Gollum.  
[a weird swallowing noise]

Shelf:  Okay, not THAT pressure point.

************

[We see Nabiki up on the roof of the dojo, looking around.]

Nabiki:  RYOUGA!

[Ryouga taps her on the shoulder]

Ryouga:  Yes, dear?

Nabiki:  [starts, nearly falls off the roof.  Ryouga easily snags her 
with one hand]  You weren't up here a moment ago.

Ryouga:  I wasn't?

Nabiki:  Anyway.  I understand you signed a renewal contract at the High 
School?  [sounds ever so slightly tense]

Ryouga:  [nods]  It was that or a haircut.

Nabiki:  [blinks, then laughs a little]  He threatened to cut your hair 
if you wouldn't sign?

Ryouga:  He threatened to shave you bald.

Nabiki:  And how did he propose to do that?  I've graduated.

Ryouga:  You think that would stop him?

Nabiki:  Good point.  We need to find your father, Ryouga.

Ryouga:  Unless you've got access to spy satellites, we could spend 
forever looking for him.  [sits down and sighs]  

Nabiki:   Hmm.  Ahh!  [takes his hand]  We can discuss our future on the 
way.

Ryouga:  On the way where?

Nabiki:  [starts humming 'We're off to see the Wizard']

************

[It's dinner time at the Gosunkugi household.  Mr. and Mrs. Gosunkugi, 
Hikaru, and Akemi are eating dinner, which is soup and fried vegetables.]

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  Did you pack your underwear?

Hikaru:  Yes, Mom.

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  Did you pack your toothbrush?

Hikaru:  Yes, Mom.

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  Did you pack your teddy bear?

Hikaru:  [blushes]  Yes, mom.

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  Did you watch all the videos I rented you so you would 
know how to act?

Hikaru:  Yes, mom.  [pauses]  Are you sure they still act like that?

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  Some of those were made recently, so I'm sure 
they're accurate.  Hard to believe they're still so crazy in America, but...

Mr. Gosunkugi:  Given the number of shootings and whatnot you hear 
about, it doesn't surprise me.  [turns to Akemi]  Did Aiko give you the
new dresses?

Akemi:  [smiles]  And the boots and the hat, yes.

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  Bring us back some new pictures!  

Hikaru:  No problem, Mom.

[The doorbell rings]

Akemi:  [gets up and answers the door]  Hello?

Nabiki:  Hi, we need you and Gosunkugi's services.

Akemi:  Okay, we'll be done with dinner pretty soon.

************

[Akane and Ranma are in the process of leaving the Nekohanten as the 
ceiling shatters, and dozens of Musk Dynasty warriors burst through the
ceiling.]

Ranma:  What the...

Shelf:  Huh?

[Five of the warriors charge Mousse, who begins battling with them.  
Others peel off to attack Shelf, Ranma, and Akane.  Lime drops through a
hole, knocks down Cologne, and carries her off.]

Ranma:  Hey!  What's going on?

Warrior:  [charges Ranma with a sword]  You are confederates of the 
notorious criminal and bucket thief Mousse!  DIE!

Ranma:  [sidesteps and punts the Warrior back into the horde]  Thanks, 
I'll pass.  

Akane:  We didn't steal the bucket!  [drops low and swipes the feet of 
another warrior, then kicks him in the face]

[Mousse gets knocked down and carried off by some of the warriors.  
Shelf is easily fending off his assailants.  Mint engages Ranma, and they
begin trashing the store in a massive fight]

Mint:  We meet again!  

Ranma:  And you still stink. [dodges a flurry of punches by ducking 
under them and punching Mint in the stomach.

Mint:  [oofs and bends over]  Hey!

Ranma:  And now...[he is cut off as Shampoo reappears and attacks him 
from behind.]

Shampoo:  MOUSSE!  No attack Ranma, Mousse!

Ranma:  [now overmatched by the combination of Mousse and Mint's 
onslaughts.]  HEY!  I'm Ranma!

Shampoo:  Mousse no can trick Shampoo with voice imitation!  Real Ranma 
not so blurry! 

Akane:  That's really Ranma you're pummeling!

[Lime returns and snags Ranma with a lasoo while he is distracted 
fighting on two fronts. Ranma gets hauled up through the roof.  Shampoo
is carried off as well, still cursing Mousse.]

Ranma:  [thinking]  I don't know whether I should be mad or glad about 
this...

Akane:  RANMA!

[Lime casually punts Akane out the door.]

Lime:  Time to go, Mint.

Mint:  Hey, I was winning!

Lime:  You can practice on him later.

[They both grab ropes and ride up out of sight.  Before they go, Shelf 
tosses what looks like a prayer ribbon onto Lime's back.  It shines for a
moment, then turns invisible.]

Shelf:  At least Conditioner wasn't here to see this.

[The door opens and Conditioner walks in with a red-haired girl, who 
looks to be around 20.  They are both soused.]

Conditioner:  Looks like you got your butt kicked.

Shelf:  [sourly] It might have been different if you had been here 
instead of getting drunk.

Conditioner:  Yeah, I would have helped them take my lazy, worthless 
great-grandnephew!  Then I'd be riding in a magic boat instead of having
to listen to you.

Shelf:  [sighs]  Here, have some sake.  [hands her the jug Happy drank 
from.]

Conditioner:  [chugs it and passes out]  Hmm.  Not bad.

Apprentice girl:  [grabs the jug and tries to take a deep draught]  Hey!  
It's all gone!

Shelf:  Well, I don't feel completely useless now.  

*******************

[We see Nabiki, Ryouga, Hikaru Gosunkugi and Akemi up in Gosunkugi's 
room.]

Gosunkugi:  So, what can I do for you?

Nabiki:  We need to find Ryouga's father.

Gosunkugi:  He's lost?

Ryouga:  [sighs]  Did you really have to ask?

Akemi:  Gonna ask his permission to marry Nabiki?

Ryouga:  [blushes]  Uh...

Nabiki:  [pulls out a wad of bills]  You'll need some spending money on 
your trip, so...

Gosunkugi:  Get the magic answer ball, Akemi.

[She digs around in the closet and finds a small black ball with a foggy 
window.  A little triangle can be seen with pale writing, 'Ask a wombat
later'.  She hands it to Gosunkugi, who shakes it.]

Gosunkugi:  Oh mighty answer ball, where is Ryouga's father?

[The word 'Yes' floats to the top.]

Nabiki:  [frowns]  That's an answer?

Gosunkugi:  Hmm.  He's at a Yes concert.

Ryouga:  ...

Nabiki:  If you don't take this seriously...

Gosunkugi:  Magical divination is often enigmatic.  Get the Updated 
I'Ching, Akemi.

[Akemi digs a book out of a messy pile in one corner, then gets eight 
ornate coins with holes in the middle, a pair of six sided dice, a
foursided die, and a ticket to a U2 concert.] 

Gosunkugi:  [takes the items, and hands the ticket and the dice to 
Ryouga, and the coins to Ryouga]  Now, toss them into the air.

[They do so]

Akemi:  [looking at the fallen objects]  
Heads-Tails-Heads-Heads-Heads-Three-Tails-Tails-Snake Eyes-Heads-Bono.  

Gosunkugi:  Hmmm.  [paging through the book]  Are you sure it's not 
Heads-Tails-Heads-Heads-Tails-Three-Tails-Tails-Snake Eyes-Heads-Bono?

Akemi:  [looks carefully]  Nope.

Ryouga:  What would that have meant?

Gosunkugi:  Either you would have met Susan Sarandon and been adopted by 
her, or that 
your father was living on Barsoom.  However, what we actually got was:

        Heads-Tails-Heads-Heads-Heads-Three-Tails-Tails-Snake 
        Eyes-Heads-Bono

        Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head.
        Fish.  Giant Carrots.  Alien spaceships.  The wreck of the Marie 
        Celeste.  Elvis.  Men who turn into pigs.  Pigs who turn into
        men.  Lumberjacks.  Viva Las Vegas.  Yes concerts.  Lost fathers.
        Meeting Buddha on the road and killing him.  

        Meeting Buddha on the road and giving him a ham sandwich.  The
        Wombat sutra.  Catherine Romanova.  The Popmart tour.  Selling
        out.  Loss of a band having any purpose in living.  Nancy Drew.

        Successful marriages to a travel agent.  Jyusenkyo curses.  Heavy
        rain.  Bad haircuts.  Transformation sequences.  Highlander 2.
        Movies that should never have been made.  Heaven's Gate.  Ishtar.
        All Elvis movies.  Rita Hayworth.  Marrying Rita Hayworth.
        Getting Divorced from Liz Taylor.  Las Vegas.  Flooding.  Ama
        Gadda Da Vida.  Harry Belafonte.  John Denver.  Chris Claremont.
        Atlantis.  Ancient Judo Masters.  Kung Fu--the movie, but NOT the
        series.  What have I got in my pockets?  Sell Exxon stock NOW.

[takes a deep breath]

Ryouga:  There's MORE?

Gosunkugi:  Musk Dynasty attacks.  Curse-locking buckets.  Mariel 
Hemingway.  The French Riviera.  Geraldo Riveria.  Spoon.  People named
Nabiki in bunny suits.

Nabiki:  I think you're making this up!

Gosunkugi:  [shows her the place he's reading from]  As I was going to 
Saint Ives, I met a man with seven wives.  Every wife had seven credit
cards, and every credit card was at its limit.  How much debt was going
to Saint Ives?  Sheriff Lobo.  Porky Pig.  Babe.  Flash Gordon-- the
newspaper cartoon, not the movie.  Timothy Dalton.  [takes a deep breath]  
Okay, now we interpret this.

Ryouga:  My father went to Vegas to attend a Yes Concert and married 
Rita Hayworth?

Nabiki:  Isn't she dead?

Akemi:  Maybe he met Buddha on the road.

Gosunkugi:  Do you know any travel agents?

Ryouga:  My uncle runs a travel agency.

Akemi:  Is he married?

Ryouga:  She was a lion tamer.  [pause]  Not a very good one.

Nabiki:  That's awful!

Ryouga:  The last we saw of her, the lions carried her off to the jungle 
and were teaching her to play fetch.  [sighs]

Nabiki:  ...

**************

[We see Akane and Shelf trying to plan their next move.  They are 
outside, watching Mint and Lime's ship slowly drift west.  They can hear
fighting from the ship.]

Akane:  The only person I know who can fly is on the ship.

Shelf:  I don't suppose you've got any reindeer, do you?

Akane:  ...

Shelf:  Well, I've got magic feedcorn that enables reindeer to fly.

Akane:  Hmm.  The Zoo has reindeer, but...

Shelf:  Time to visit the Zoo!

Akane:  [thinking]  I've got a bad feeling about this.

**************

[We see Gosunkugi and company standing over a Scrabble board.  Various 
chits are strewn across it, some face up, others with the letters buried.
We can see several words.  'Vegas', 'Yes', 'Bad Haircut', 'Elvis', 'Rita',
and 'Dad'.  Many meaningless letters are scattered about forming no
coherent patterns as well.]

Gosunkugi:  Looks like your father is living in Vegas with Elvis and/or 
the band Yes.

Akemi:  And has a bad haircut.

Gosunkugi:  And may have married Rita Hayworth.

Ryouga:  But what about my MOM?

Gosunkugi:  [shakes the answer ball]  What about Ryouga's mom?

[The words 'Nothing can stop the GORFIAN robots' float to the top.  He 
sighs and shakes it again.  This time, 'She's recording an album in Los
Angeles' came to the top.]

Gosunkugi:  She's recording an album in Los Angeles.

Nabiki:  If this is all a joke, I'm going to kill you all.

Ryouga:  If this isn't a joke, I may kill myself.

[The stereo downstairs comes on, and a voice begins singing loudly, and 
well in English.]

Ryouga:  MOM!  [faints]

**********************

[We see Shelf, Akane, and Ukyou riding in a sleigh being pulled by eight 
reindeer.  They are all dressed in Santa suits.  Ukyou is wearing a
bandolier of spatulas over hers.]

Ukyou:  [looks at her outfit] Was this REALLY necessary?  

Shelf:  They won't get suspicious if they see Santa Claus.  They won't 
be expecting an attack from him.

Akane:  But it's June.

Shelf:  We're on a supplies run.  

Ukyou:  I should have said no when you two came by to get my help.

Akane:  Ranma needs our help.

Ukyou:  [sighs]  I know.  [pauses] Where'd you get this sleigh, anyway?

Akane:  Dad rented it last Christmas and sorta never took it back.

Ukyou:  Why haven't they come for it yet?

Akane:  He identified himself as living in Osaka on the rental form.

Ukyou:  ...

Akane:  It was Mr. Saotome's idea.

[The flying boat draws into sight.  It is flying over the ocean now, and 
they are about to run out of land.]

Ukyou:  How long can these reindeer fly?

Shelf:  The part of the label that says how long got torn off back in 
1949 when we first used this stuff fighing the Red Army.  I'm pretty sure
we stayed airborne for at least six hours.

Ukyou:  Where did you find reindeer in China?

Shelf:  Pool of drowned reindeer.

Ukyou:  How did a reindeer get to Jyusenko?

Shelf:  Maybe the octopus was carrying it.

*************

[Back at Gosunkugi's house]

Gosunkugi:  [sitting at his computer]  Ahah!  Here we go.  [points to 
the screen]

Nabiki:  [reading off the screen]  Ken Hibiki, noted Elvis impersonator, 
now will have his own stage show, starting March 23, in the Golden Potato
Hotel and Casino, in downtown Las Vegas.  [There is a picture of what
looks like Elvis with a yellow and black headband under the story]  Wow,
he does look like Elvis.

Ryouga:  I guess we're going to Las Vegas.

Nabiki:  I'm surprised he can make it to his gigs on time.  

Akemi:  Maybe he uses a guide dog.

**************************

[We see a backstage area.]

Stage Manager:  He's LATE AGAIN!

Lighting Tech:  He'll make it just before the show.  He always does.  
Probably hanging out with his wife.

[There is a crashing noise from deeper backstage.]

Lighting Tech:  Ahh, here he comes.

[We see a man who looks like Elvis with a yellow and black headband, 
clad in the classic 'old Elvis' look.  He is being dragged on a leash by
a cat.]

Man:  Ahh, here we are.

Stage Manager:  Ken!  You're on in five minutes!

Ken Hibiki:  C'mon, Dave.  You know Rita here never lets me be late.  

[A big shaggy friendly dog barrels out of the darkness and crashes into 
the Stage Manager.  He flies backwards into a huge baloon of Wayne
Newton, which falls on him.]

Dave:  I hate my job.  [The dog drools on him]

Ken:  [pats the dog]  Don't hurt the stage manager, Runt.

Dave:  Why did you name him Runt when he's huge?

Ken:  [shrugs]  It's his name.  That's what he said, anyway.

Dave:  [thinking]  I hate this city.  

**************

[On Mint and Lime's boat]

Mint:  I still think 'The Good Ship Lollypop' is a good name.

Lime:  I still think you're having a drug flashback.

[They glare at each other.]

Ranma:  [chained up in a cage]  How about naming it the HMS 'Doubletwit 
Twins'?

Mint:  Oh, you think you're funny, eh?  I'll show you funny!  [opens a 
cask]  Guess what this holds?

Ranma:  Your brain?

Mousse:  Monkeys?

Shampoo:  Love Potion #9?

Happousai:  PANTIES!!!!!

Cologne:  Do we get a prize?

Lime:  It probably is Mint's brain.

Mint:  You're close, Mousse.  This is water from the pool of the drowned 
sea monkies.  [pours it into the bucket]

Ranma:  How do you drown a sea monkey?

Happousai:  A what?  Monkies don't live underwater.

Mint:  [takes the ladle and grins]  I guess we'll find out.  [he tosses 
a ladleful of water onto Ranma who howls and transforms into Davey Jones]

Ranma-DJ:  I think you misread that label.

Cologne:  Well, Davey Jones' locker is at the bottom of the sea, but...

Mint:  [frowns]  Well, I guess we'll have to use the backup.

Lime:  If you splash our victory sake all over them...

Mint:  [opens another keg]  I don't even know what this is.

Happousai:  [beginning to sweat]  I need...panties.  I...I'm starting to 
go into withdrawal.

Lime:  Too bad.  

Mint:  We'll use THIS on the bucket thief!

Happousai:  Nice seeing you, Mousse.

Mint:  The first one.  [He is just about to douse Happousai when a 
crewman taps him on the shoulder]

Crewman:  Sir.

Mint:  Yes?

[The crewman points at the sleigh and its Santa-suited passengers.]

Lime:  It's Santa!  [runs over]  I've been a good boy, I have!

Mint:  [puts down the ladle into the bucket and runs over]  Wow, 
Christmas came early this year!

[They both stare at Santa's helpers.]

Lime:  Do we...get them as our presents?  [drools a little]

Akane:  NO!  

Ukyou:  [leaps onto the boat and runs towards Ranma]  RANMA!

Shelf:  [hands stockings to Lime and Mint]  Here you go.  

[They eagerly open the stockings and boxing gloves on springs slam out 
and send them flying.]

Akane:  [follows up the spring with a kick that sends Mint flying off 
the far side of the boat]  I'm afraid you've been BAD this year!

Ukyou:  Coal in your stockings for everyone!  [She unleashes a hail of 
spatulas, sending the crew running for cover.]

Lime:  [leaps back and begins focusing his chi]  Giant...

[Shelf charges him and engages him, trying to disrupt the Chi attack.  
He succeeds, smacking Lime around with a long board.  Meanwhile, Akane
and Ukyou liberate the prisoners.  Unfortunately, Happousai immediately
sprints for the bucket, racing with Ranma, while Cologne launches herself
at Mousse again.]

Cologne:  I'll show you who's boss here, DUCK BOY!

Happousai:  THE BUCKET IS MINE!

Ranma-DJ:  I don't think so.  [despite his big words, Happousai is 
clearly in the lead]

Happousai:  [throws a happoudarikin, which hits Ranma-DJ, blasting him 
halfway across the deck]  The bucket is MINE!  MINE!  MINE!  [pauses to
laugh maniacally]

Ukyou:  Mine.  [hefts the bucket and ladles the water onto Happousai, 
who turns into a hundred monkies, which scatter everywhere]  ...  [Two
dozen of them close in on her, and she responds by dumping the rest of
the water in the bucket over the side and leaping up onto one of the
masts and scrambling up it with dozens of monkies in pursuit.  Unseen, 
Mint climbs up a rope on the far side of the ship]

Ranma-DJ:  [busy boggling and looking charred]  This shouldn't hurt so 
much.  

Akane:  [busily malleting monkies trying to climb on her and into her 
clothing]  It must have been the pool of drowned monkies!

Shelf:  The pool of a drowned barrel of monkies, to be precise.  

Akane:  ...

*************

[Time has passed.  The sun has set, and far off on the horizon, we can 
see the shore.  A half moon is shining down on a continuing brawl.  Most
of the crew is scattered unconscious across the deck.  Shampoo-kitty is
up on one of the sail-beams, hissing at three Happy-Monkies.  Mousse has
just finished stringing up Cologne, who looks frustrated, from another
sail-beam.  Shelf has put Lime in one of the cages, along with 
most of the Happy-monkies.  Ranma-DJ, Akane, and Ukyou have Mint trapped 
at the edge of the ship.]

Ranma-DJ:  Give it up!

Mint:  [grins]  I know a little secret.

Ranma-DJ:  What's that?

Mint:  Unless you get the kettle, you're going to be very weak.  

Ranma-DJ:  [looks worried, thinking]  I do feel kinda weak.

Ukyou:  You're lying!

Mint:  You're stuck in Davey Jones' body, and he's not exactly a trained 
martial artist.  Sure, you may remember how to fight, but your body
doesn't and it's pretty puny.  And there's an important consequence of that.

Akane:  What?

Mint:  You can't stop me from doing...THIS!  [suddenly lunges forward, 
grabs Ranma-DJ and punts him across the ship and over the far side.]

Ukyou and Akane:  RANMA!  [They run after him.  He is plunging towards 
the ocean.  They both jump into the sleigh.]

Ukyou:  DIVE!  

[The reindeer plunge down towards Ranma, galloping at full speed.  They 
pull alongside Ranma, then dive under him.  Akane catches him while Ukyou
drives.]

Akane:  You okay, Ranma?

Ranma-DJ:  I hope this thing has good brakes.

[Up above, Mint turns and begins gathering energy for a chi attack on 
Shelf and Mousse.  Mousse hasn't even noticed him, but Shelf swiftly
pivots on one foot and tosses a board. It takes Mint in the chest, and he
goes over the side.]

Shelf:  [walks over to the side, and sees Mint caught one of the ropes 
hanging over the side and is climbing up it again.  He pulls out a knife
and brandishes it]  Want to see how well this cuts rope, boy?

Mint:  [holds his hands over his head]  I surrender.  [pause]  Oops.  
[plummets out of sight towards the ocean below because he let go of the rope]

Ukyou:  I guess we'll find out.  [She pulls on the reins, and the 
reindeer cut a tight U, arcing around on air and zooming upwards.  Too bad
sleighs don't come with seatbelts. Akane and Ranma tumble out of the
sleigh.  Ukyou jumps to the back of the sleigh and manages to catch
Akane's hand, hooking her feet on the bench so she doesn't fall out]  
Hold on tight!

Akane:  [holding onto Ranma with her other hand]  Ugh.  Go on a diet, 
Ranma.

Ranma-DJ:  HEY!  This body may be puny, but it's not fat.  

Ukyou:  You both need to lose weight.  [almost loses her grip on Akane's 
hand]  Here, heft Ranma up.

[Akane starts to lift Ranma, visibly straining, her jaws clenched, when 
suddenly, Mint plummets out of the sky and smacks into Akane's head, then
Ranma's.  He grabs hold of Ranma's leg.  Ranma passes out.]

Ukyou:  [grabs her mega-spatula with her free hand.]  Mint, you idiot!

Mint:  I'm not dumb enough to attack you.  Put it away and pull me up, 
and I'll help pull them up.  I don't want to fall to my death, either.
[suddenly looks groggy]  Then again...

Ukyou:  Climb up them!

Akane:  [grits her teeth more]  Ugh.  

[Mint scrambles up them, then grabs onto the bench and clings to it.]

Mint:  Okay, pull them up and I'll heft them to the bench.

Ukyou:  [working with Akane, she manages to lift Ranma-DJ up to Mint, 
who puts him in the footwell.]  You're next, Akane.  [almost loses her
grip again.]  Sorry about that.

Voice:  [heard by Ukyou in her head]  If you 'lost your grip', no one 
would ever know you let her fall.

Ukyou:  [starts and looks around]  What the hell...

Akane:  What?  What's wrong?

Ukyou:  [pants]  I'm getting tired.

Voice:  If she was gone, Ranma would be yours again.  She stole him from 
you.

[For a moment, Ukyou has a fantasy about her and Ranma holding hands at 
Akane's funeral, of her comforting him, of...]

Ukyou:  [closes her eyes and shakes her head]  No, no, no!  I won't do 
it!

Akane:  [looks scared]  What are you doing, Ukyou?

Ukyou:  Nothing.  [sighs]  Mint, try to level this thing out, okay?  I 
don't know if I have the strength left to lift Akane.

[Mint takes the reins and pulls the sleigh level.]

Ukyou:  What a relief.  [pulls Akane into the sleigh, just in time for 
Mint to kick them both over the side.]  HEY!  [She and Akane are clinging
to the sides]

Mint:  I never said I wouldn't attack you once we got out of the danger 
of falling to our deaths.

Ranma-DJ:  Neither did I!  [sits up and kicks Mint in the rear, which 
doesn't do much]  What the...TENSHIN AMAGURIKEN!  [He unleashes a hail of lightning blows.  
They look slower than usual, but more importantly, Mint simply ignores them.]


Mint:  Ahh, feels like a good massage.  [moves about so Ranma's blows 
will strike various parts of his back]  Thank you, Ranma.  Now, back to
business.

[By now, Ukyou and Akane are back in the sleigh.]

Akane:  You got that right!

[She and Ukyou strike Mint in unison, sending him over the side and 
plunging towards the ocean below]

Ranma-DJ:  Who's driving?

[They rush to the reins, just before they are about to crash into the 
mainmast of the ship, which they circle around to the left.  The sleigh
turns north and the reindeer zoom off, ignoring any further directions
from the reins.]

Ukyou:  What the?

Akane:  This had better not be like what happens with lemmings.

************

[We see Shampoo, Mousse, and Shelf on the deck of the ship.  They've 
locked up everyone else, including all the Happy-monkies.  Mousse is
inventorying casks of Juysenkyo water.]

Mousse:  [making tick marks on a list]  Pool of Drowned Keith Richards.  
Pool of Drowned Wombat.  Pool of Drowned Davy Jones.  Pool of Drowned
Barrel of Monkies.  Pool of Drowned Sea Monkies.  Pool of Drowned Smurf.
Pool of Drowned Strawberry Shortcake.

Shelf:  [tries poking Cologne]  Did this work?

Cologne:  [begins thrashing about]  ADRIAN!

Shelf:  Okay, that was the Rocky Point.  Let's try this one...

Shampoo:  [wearing her glasses again, staring off north]  We have to go 
find Ranma!

Shelf:  Well, the problem is that we locked up the crew and we can't 
drive this by ourselves.  

Mousse:  So how are we going to land?

Shelf:  Well, we're heading west, so eventually we should crash into a 
mountain.

Mousse:  Maybe I should fly for help.

Shelf:  To who?  

Mousse:  Maybe throwing all the monkies over the side would help.

Shelf:  Tempting as that is...

**************

[We see Tokyo Airport.  Gosunkugi's parents, Soun, Genma, and Nodoka are 
there to see Kasumi and Gosunkugi and Akemi off.  Genma's parents are
circulating through the crowd, picking pockets.]

Soun:  [crying]  My baby!  My baby is leaving me!

Kasumi:  I'll be back in a month, daddy.

Soun:  Promise me you won't change your name to 'Elvis' and become a 
lounge singer!

Kasumi:  [laughs]  I promise.  

Soun:  Promise me you won't get in any knife fights.

Kasumi:  ...

Nodoka:  I don't think that's going to happen, Tendo-san.

Genma:  [hands Kasumi a bowie knife]  But just in case, here's a going 
away present.

Kasumi:  Oh my.

Soun:  WAAA!!!!!!!!!

[Meanwhile, Gosunkugi's mom is hugging him and bawling and nagging all 
at once]

G's Mom:  Did you pack clean socks?

Gosunkugi:  Yes, Mom.

G's Mom:  Did you pack lots of ties?

Gosunkugi:  Yes, Mom.

G's Mom:  You did pack the vests and the hats, right?

Gosunkugi:  I've got everything, Mom.  I'll even change on the plane 
like you said to.

G's Dad:  You did bring lots of film, right?

Akemi:  [holds up 20 rolls]  We're armed and dangerous.  [giggles]

Soun:  My baby...Don't let anyone challenge you to a gunfight, promise 
me you...

Kasumi:  They don't have gunfights anymore, Dad.  [thinking]  I never 
should have let him watch those movies.

**********

[It is early morning somewhere in a frozen wasteland.  Ranma is curled 
up on the driver's seat, while Akane and Ukyou are clonked out in the
back of the sleigh.]

Akane:  [rolls over and glomps onto Ukyou in her sleep]  Ranma...

Ukyou:  [starts to wake up, realizes someone is hugging her, thinking]  
Someone's holding me...But...Is it Ranma?  [cracks open an eyelid, still
thinking]  Oh great, it's Akane...gotta get loose.

[Ukyou tries rolling away, but Akane slides over and tightens her grip.  
Ukyou tries to stand up, but Akane's legs are wrapped around her.  The
grip gets stronger and she starts having trouble breathing.]

Ranma-DJ:  [sits up and yawns, looks down, and doubletakes]  No way.

Akane:  [mumbles]  Ranma, you're so strong.  And you look good in a 
clown suit.

Ukyou:  [tries not to laugh, thinking]  A CLOWN SUIT?

Ranma-DJ:  ...

Akane:  [mumbles, squeezes Ukyou tight]  And you're so squeezable, like 
Charmin.

Ukyou:  [can no longer hold back, so she begins to laugh]

Akane:  [snaps awake]  ACK!  [lets go of Ukyou and gets as far away as 
she can in the back of the sleigh]

Ranma-DJ:  You think I'd look good in a clown suit?

Akane:  [blushes bright red]  It was a dream.  We worked in a circus.  I 
was the strongwoman and you were the clown...

Ukyou:  [points at the horizon]  Hey, is that a castle?

[A castle that resembles one of Ludwig the Mad's designs (Think the one 
from Sleeping Beauty) sits admidst a grove of evergreens.  There is a
sward of grass around it, on which reindeer are grazing.  The sleigh
begins to descend]

Akane:  I don't believe this.

Ukyou:  At least we're dressed to blend in with the locals.

Ranma-DJ:  [laughs]  I guess you are.

*************************

[We see the flying ship.  Everyone has clonked out and is sprawled about 
the deck, asleep.  Far off, we can see Kirin's castle.  The boat is
drifting straight towards it. ]

**************************

[We see Kasumi and Akemi on the plane, which is somewhere over the 
Pacific.  There is an empty seat by the window, and Gosunkugi is nowhere
to be seen.  Akemi is holding a folded bundle of clothing in her lap.]

Kasumi:  Hikaru-san's mother gave you both special clothing to wear?

Akemi:  [nods]  She was worried about us standing out too much.  

[The bathroom door opens and Gosunkugi walks out, wearing a cowboy hat, 
white buttoned shirt, a dark blue vest, blue jeans, boots with spurs, and
a pair of holstered pistols, one on each side, on a nice leather belt.]

Kasumi:  [boggles]  How...

Akemi:  They're actually water pistols.

Kasumi:  ...

Gosunkugi:  [comes and sits down, taking off the gun belt since it won't 
fit right when he's seated]  Loaded with Jyusenkyo water mix.  Pool of
Drowned Mouse, according to the package.

Kasumi:  [laughs]  This will be an interesting trip.

***************

[We see Ranma, Ukyou, and Akane surrounded by hundreds of tiny elves 
with bows pointed at them, standing before a big throne in which Santa
Claus sits, looking amused]

Fingon (Elf):  Santa!  We caught some intruders!  They had your sleigh!

Akane:  Hey, we rented that Sleigh in Tokyo!

Feanor (Elf):  That's what they all say.

Santa:  Hmm.  Let me check my list.  [runs a finger down a huge scroll 
that runs onto the floor, across the room, and out a door.  A few feet
down the list, he finds what he is looking for]

Galadriel (Elf):  Let's put them on Barbie breast reduction duty with 
the last group!

Akane:  ...

Ukyou:  I'm not qualified to perform surgery.

Feanor (Elf):  That's what they all say.  You'll learn.  [cackles 
maniacally]  You should be happy!  Impersonating Santa used to be
punishable by eating Fruitcake until you died or gained 1000 pounds.

Glorfindel (Elf):  Or both.  

Santa:  Hmm.  Looks like you've all been pretty naughty this year.  Why 
the property damage alone...Looks like all three of you got coal in your
stocking last year too.

Ranma:  Hey!  It wasn't MY fault!

Santa:  So when you knocked Ryouga through the wall of the Dojo on March 
3, it was his fault?

Ranma:  He attacked me!

Santa:  After you taunted him and called him P-chan.

Ranma:  He was sl...[falls silent]  I was just defending myself!

Santa:  Hmm.  52 counts of Assault and Battery for Akane.

Akane:  [pulls out her mallet, charges forward, then skids to a halt and 
looks embarrased]  Uh...

Santa: And that's just counting the ones on Ranma.  And for Ukyou 
Kuonji...oh my.  

Ukyou:  ...

Santa:  20 counts of murder, 50 counts of assault and battery, 764 
thefts, 12 muggings, 3 counts of arson, five of embezzlement, 3 counts of
mass murder, and one parking violation.

Ukyou:  WHAT?

[Ranma and Akane look at Ukyou in horror.]

Santa:  Oh wait, that's the one who lives in Sapporo.  Sorry about that.


Ukyou:  [faints]

Santa:  Ahh, much better.  Just the usual round of fights and plots to 
steal people's fiancees and the like.  

[Akane frowns]

Ranma:  We haven't done entirely bad stuff!

Tuor (Elf):  Send them to find the Silmarils!

[All the elves start chanting the word 'Silmaril' over and over.]

Santa:  FORGET ABOUT THE....[takes a deep breath]  Don't mind them.  
They never quite got over that Silmaril business.  I know you didn't mean
to barge in, so I'm not going to make you stay.  Although we could use
some help with that doll surgery...

Ranma:  We've got to go find some friends stuck on a flying ship.  

Santa:  [nods]  Yes, the Seven Lucky Gods have imprisoned them.

Ukyou:  [sits up]  Why?

Santa:  Because that was their boat which Lime and Mint stole, but they 
don't know who really stole it and when they find who is in control of
the boat...

Akane:  Well, if they lock up Happousai, I say we should let them keep 
him.

Ukyou:  [starts to say something, then glances over at Ranma]

Ranma:  I guess we'll be heading off to find them.  If our reindeer will 
take them.

Santa:  [hands Ranma a small can]  They'll need these.  The magic 
feedcorn for flying only lasts about a day, until they feed on it for a
year, and then they can fly forever.

Ranma:  [takes the can]  Thanks, Santa.

Santa:  Now, try to be good so I don't have to bring you all coal again.


Ukyou:  Yes, sir.

*****************

[The court of the Musk Dynasty.  Herb is sitting in court, looking 
bored.  Two peasants are before the throne, each holding one leg of a
chicken.]

Peasant 1:  This is my chicken!

Peasant 2:  No way, man!  He stole my chicken!  I POURED MY HEART AND 
SOUL INTO THIS CHICKEN!  [pulls back some feathers]  See, I tatooed my
name onto its wing!  [exposes a meaningless squiggle that looks sort of
like a Japanese or Chinese character, but isn't really one]

Herb:  That's a meaningless squiggle.

Peasant 2:  IT is not!  I made up my own character, because I changed my 
name!  I am now the Peasant Formerly Known as Pepper!

Peasant 1:  Oh yeah?  Well, you can call me the All-Powerful, always 
right, all knowing and all benevolent peasant formerly known as Salt!

Herb:  [draws his sword]  I will now render judgement.

Peasant 1:  Oh, is this the Solomon thing where you threaten to chop the 
chicken in half to see who really deserves it?

Herb:  This is where I chop both of YOU in half and give you to the 
chicken.  It deserves better.

[Both peasants drop the chicken and flee screaming.]

Herb:  Sometimes I hate my life.

[Jalapeno, a tall, thick, bearded courtier walks in.]

Jalapeno:  Bad news, sir.

Herb: What is it?  More peasants seeking justice?

Jalapeno:  Lime has been captured by the Seven Lucky Gods. They are
planning to execute him.

[Pause]

Herb: And the bad news is?

Jalapeno:  They also have the bucket and the ladle.

Herb:  Gather our men.  Time to see if they will give back what is ours
and to take it if they  will not.

****************
End Chapter 6



****************
****************

[We see Shampoo in a field of flowers at the edge of a deep, dark 
forest.  A tall, beautiful green-haired woman stands nearby.  
Shampoo stares at her and falls to her knees.]

Shampoo:  Queen Hippolyta!  Mother of us all!  [grovels]

Hippolyta:  [offers Shampoo a hand]  No need to grovel, child.

Shampoo:  [takes the hand and gets up]  Why have you called me, 
mother of us all?

Hippolyta:  You have been the victim of an evil plot.  An evil witch 
has stolen your sight and given away your husband as part of her 
plan to destroy the amazons.  You must destroy her!

Shampoo:  Akane is a witch?

Hippolyta:  Not her, but the red-haired one who calls herself Akemi.  
She and her sorceror seek the death of all my children.  They will 
turn your husband against your nation.

Shampoo:  [nods]  They arranged for Mousse to beat Shampoo?

Hippolyta:  They made it possible.  It was his and her magic which 
gave you Mousse's blindness.  

Shampoo:  [angrily]  Shampoo will make them pay!

Hippolyta:  Good girl.  If you destroy them, you will get your sight 
back.  

Shampoo:  What about the ugly tomboy and the crazy cook?

Hippolyta:  They are not your real enemies.  Not yet.

Shampoo:  [nods]  Shampoo go find her right now!

Hippolyta:  Wait!

[Shampoo crashes off into the woods.  Hippolyta sighs, and unzips 
herself.  Mr. Mujaki, a ugly little dream demon with bad taste in 
clothing, steps out.]

Mr. Mujaki:  FINALLY!  I was starting to think I was losing my 
touch.

Voice:  [cold and androgynous, comes from nearby]  She has always 
been easy to lead by the nose.  And a rich prize for me.  [for a 
moment, the voice sounds happy, though in an unpleasant way]  
Much as it would amuse me to turn them all loose on each other, 
the first priority is my revenge.  I will destroy them for what they 
did.

Mr. Mujaki:  What did they ever do to you, anyway?

Voice:  They thwarted me.  No one is allowed to thwart me.  

Mr. Mujaki:  [sarcastically]  Could you perhaps be more vague?

Voice:  It all started thousands of years ago...

*****************

Furinkan Summer #7

"Deceptions and lessons.
 How much trouble can our heros and heroines stir up?"

By John Biles

"Summer Fields"--The FS Theme.

My anger hides a loving heart;
My anger drives us far apart.
Only your love can heal the pain,
For it's your smile that brings the rain
That helps love's fields to grow.

Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.

We hid our love behind our pride,
Never letting others inside.
To end those lies must be our task;
Tear down the walls; Throw out the masks
We used to hide from love.

Walk with me through summer's field
So we can help our hearts to heal.
Stride through the grass and smell the air
Under the sun without a care.
I want to walk with you.

Love does not end with "I Love You",
Not if what the things we said were true.
We have to strive to make it grow.
We have to let our feelings show
Else love will fade like dew.


****************************

[We see a tall stone tower standing in the middle of a small village 
in a valley full of fields of wheat, rye, and barley.  There are 
pastures at the north end, with several herds of cattle.  There are 
people everywhere, clad in simple brown and grey tunics that go 
down to their knees and gather at the waist with belts.  Most of 
them have fairly dark skin, but their features are more asiatic than 
negroid.  Many have curly black or brown hair, while the rest have 
straight hair.   Inside the tower, a man who shares the curly black 
hair of the locals, but has huge, disturbing eyes and looks much 
paler, like a sick version of the locals, is staring into a crystal ball.]

Glorindel:  All is crumbling, one by one.  [sighs]  The lights are going 
out, one by one.  Mu has fallen to the Tentacled One and his 
minions.  A good thing I didn't listen to mother and go seek that 
court wizard position there, I suppose.

Raguela:  [A blonde demon trapped in a summoning circle halfway 
across the laboratory.  She sounds hopeful as she speaks.].  It's not 
too late to make a demonic pact to save your valley!  

Glorindel:  You know, the Things from Beyond find a variety of 
interesting uses for demons.  

Raguela:  [pales slightly]  Hey, I'm supposed to be the evil one here!

Glorindel:  [sighs]  I didn't even rate a competent tempter.  I feel 
insulted.

Raguela:  [puts her hands on her hips]  Hey, I've uh...okay, this was 
my first job.  [looks embarrassed]  If I get sent back to cataloging 
souls because of this...

Glorindel:  [stares into the crystal ball again]  The windwalker 
stalks the neighboring valleys.  I think he likes to eat demons for 
lunch.

Raguela:  [pales more]  Hey, I didn't ASK for this assignment, you 
know!  I wanted to start with something easy, like a peasant, but 
Marller volunteered me for this!

[There is an audible pop and an androgynous figure appears, 
wrapped in a simple, but expensive red robe of silk.]

Figure:  Greetings, Glorfindel.

Glorindel:  Glorindel.  No F.  I'm hardly an elf, either.

[A girl with short black curly hair peeks in the doorway, watching 
everything.]

Figure:  That's not your real name, though.

Glorindel:  No sorceror in his right mind reveals his real name.  
[makes a hand gesture and the girl with the short black hair pulls 
out a very large mallet] So what can I do for you, Desire?

Desire:  You want something.  I like people who want things.  I can 
give you what you want...for a price.

Glorindel:  And what price might that be?

Desire:  You must break your oaths of self-restraint.

Glorindel:  If I do that, I'll lose my powers.  I have not eaten for 
three years, nor drunk for the same time.  Neither have I...anyway, 
you get the idea.  

Desire:  I can give you new powers.

Glorindel:  Dependent on your whim.

Desire:  As everything should be.  [looks over at Raguela]  I will 
give you her, if you agree.  She is lovely, is she not?

Raguela:  Hey, you don't own me!

Desire:  Silence.  You are a pathetic grovelling fool, cast down for 
disobedience.  You will obey, or I will destroy you.

Raguela:  [frowns and mutters]  Damn Endless...they always think 
they're right.

Desire:  We are always right.

Glorindel:  I still say no.

Desire:  If you do not take my offer, your valley will be destroyed.

Glorindel:  I fight and die by my own strength.  [gestures again]

[Raguela sees the curly haired girl slowly creeping across the room, 
mallet raised high.  Raguela looks over at Desire, then at the girl, 
who is miming 'be quiet', and grins, sitting back.]

Desire:  [angrily]  Then you have sealed your fate.  I should sit back 
and let you be destroyed, but I've always been impatient.  A flaw, I 
suppose, but I enjoy it.  [raises her hands]  

Girl:  [leaps into the air and mallets Desire in the head.  Desire 
blinks, then crumples]  I can't believe that worked.

Glorindel:  Law 52.  Nothing can stand before the wrath of a woman 
with a mallet, Lallia.  [starts drawing another circle on the ground]  

************

[Back in the dream field]

Mr. Mujaki:  Yeah, I'd be kinda mad if someone did that to me.  

Desire:  I've been working on breaking them, inch by inch. I've 
destroyed their lives over and over, finally snaring her into 
becoming one of my servants, my tulpas, in order to preserve his 
miserable life.  So of course, he was killed by a nomad attack the 
next day.  [grins]  But it wasn't MY doing.  

Mr. Mujaki:  But she broke free.

Desire:  Without even knowing what she was doing.  It would have 
been so sweet, to use her to destroy him...but it didn't work out.  
[frowns]  She thinks she is free.  I will crush them!

Mr. Mujaki:  [shrugs]  As long as I get what I want, it doesn't matter 
to me.  You'd better keep up YOUR end of the bargain.

Desire:  [smiles]  Now, now, Mujaki.  I always keep my bargains.  
[grins]

******************

[We see Akemi, Gosunkugi, and Kasumi disembarking at the Austin 
Metropolitan Airport.  Akemi and Gosunkugi seem to be dressed to 
star in a cowboy movie, complete with big white hats and 'pistols' 
(actually water pistols)]

Kasumi:  [looks around]  Hmm.  Someone was supposed to pick us 
up.

[A woman pushes through the crowd.  She is a cute teenage blonde, 
with one odd quirk:  what look like racoon or panda ears poke up 
through her hair, as well as a set of ordinary ears.]

Woman:  [stares, speaks in Japanese]  Hi, are you Kasumi Tendo, 
Akemi, and Hikaru Gosunkugi?

Kasumi:  [blinks]  You don't look much like your pictures, Ichi.  

Woman:  [laughs]  My name is Asrial.  Nice to meet you.  Ichi is sick, 
and she doesn't have a car, anyway, so I kinda got sent to pick you 
up.  [looks over at Akemi and Gosunkugi]  Planning to star in a 
'High Noon' remake?

Gosunkugi:  [looks at all the people, none of whom are dressed 
anything like him, except for one man who is wearing a cowboy hat 
and boots]  Umm...We wanted to blend in.

Asrial:  I hope everything you brought doesn't look like that.

Gosunkugi:  Umm...I have the clothes I wore onto the plane...

Asrial:  ...

**************

[We see Ranma-DJ (For those who missed Episode 6, Ranma has 
been splashed with water from the pool of Drowned Davy Jones and 
locked in that form by the Musk Dynasty's bucket and ladle that 
lock curses.  As to why they're riding in a sleigh...), now dressed in 
a Santa Suit, along with Akane and Ukyou, also dressed in Santa 
Suits.  Ranma is also wearing a fake white beard, has a pillow 
stuffed under his shirt, and is practicing 'ho ho hos'  Akane and 
Ukyou are wearing Lee Press-On Elf Ears and contact lenses that 
give them golden irises.  The sleigh (pulled by eight reindeer) is 
zooming over rice paddies.]

Akane:  If this works, they're the stupidest people on Earth.

Ranma-DJ:  Hey, if I could convince Ryouga I was his sister when he 
doesn't even HAVE a sister...

Ukyou:  [looks at the pile of presents]  Hey, there's a present for 
Kasumi here!  And one for each of us.

Akane:  We can't open them until Christmas, though.

Ranma-DJ:  You really think they'd survive until then in your house 
or mine?

Akane:  Good point.  

[Ukyou tosses each of them a wrapped package.]

**********

[Asrial's flying car zooms into the Feeple family driveway.  They 
have dropped off Akemi and Gosunkugi at Mimi's.]

Asrial:  Welcome to the Feeple household.  Jeremy's mother is from 
Japan, so everyone will be able to talk to you in Japanese, if you 
like.

Kasumi:  That's good. I've been working on my English, but it's very 
rusty.  [starts getting her luggage out of the car]  I hadn't realized 
she was Japanese from Ichi's letters.

Asrial:  Well, she's actually Russian, but she was raised by a 
Japanese Ninja clan.

Kasumi:  ...

[There is a shout and Ichi leaps off the roof, in Ninja garb, coming 
straight down at Asrial.  Halfway down, she notices Kasumi.]

Ichi:  Oh, hi, Kasumi!

[Because she is distracted, she gets knocked across the yard by 
Asrial, who grabs a gun out of her backseat.  The two of them go to 
it, knocking down a tree.  The door opens and a woman in a red and 
black ninja outfit, of a somewhat more sedate style than Ichi's, 
walks out.]

Mrs. Feeple:  Nice to meet you, Kasumi.  Sorry about that.

Kasumi:  I'm glad to see Ichi is feeling better.  [watches the fight 
and smiles]  It feels like home already.

***********

[We see Gosunkugi and Akemi eating lunch at Mimi's house.  
Aloysius is perched up on top of a filing cabinet, eating a fish.]

Gosunkugi:  So what do we do first?

Mimi:  We drill you on some standard magic procedures until you 
can't stand them anymore, and then I'm going to teach you some 
cosmology, so you don't run into anything and get yourself in over 
your head.  You'll know when to run and when to run really fast.

Akemi:  So, are we really dressed wrong?

Mimi:  Well, I could loan you some clothing.

Gosunkugi:  Mom watched some modern American movies, to see 
what it was like.

Mimi:  Like what?

Gosunkugi:  Umm...Desperado.  Young Guns.  Silverado.  Let's see, 
what else...

Mimi:  ...

*****************

[We see a bandage swathed Ichi up in her bedroom, lying on the 
bed, while Kasumi puts a cold compress on her forehead.]

Ichi:  Thanks.  

Kasumi:  I could probably pass a nursing test without going to class 
with all the first aid I have to do at home.

Ichi:  They're still beating each other up and trashing your house all 
the time?

Kasumi:  I suppose if they ever stop, we wouldn't know what to do 
for entertainment anymore.

Ichi:  [laughs and stretches, then groans]  I can't believe I got beat 
this badly.

Kasumi:  So why were you attacking her?

Ichi:  She...uh... [frowns]  I can't remember.

Kasumi:  [raises an eyebrow]  You can't remember?

Ichi:  Well, Susan came over to hang out with Jeremy and I, and we 
were playing cards and...I'm not sure what happened next.  [frowns, 
rubs her head]  Must be this boot to the head I took.

Kasumi:  And Susan is?

Ichi:  Our new neighbor.  A rather hapless social reject, but very 
sweet.  Her parents are gone all the time.  I haven't seen them since 
two days after she moved in.  They go take long vacations and 
leave her behind. 

Kasumi:  [smiles]  It's nice of you to befriend her.

Ichi:  I'm sure she'll be around a lot.  

Kasumi: [starts rolling up bandages and putting them away]  So you 
and Asrial are competing for Jeremy's heart still?

Ichi:  [sighs]  I'm starting to think of giving up.  He's a nice guy, but 
he's not the only fish in the sea.  It's just...everything I try, doesn't 
work out.  Not that Asrial is doing much better.

Kasumi:  I can't see why he doesn't like you.  Like that, I mean.

Ichi:  [smiles]  Thanks, Kasumi.

**************

[We see Shinnosuke and his cousin Hitomi (age 12) knocking on the 
Gosunkugi family residence's door.]

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  [answers the door]  Can I help you?

Shinnosuke:  Yes.

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  how?

Shinnosuke:  I have no idea.

Hitomi:  [clonks him in the head with her broom]  We're looking for 
the great and powerful Wizard of Nerima.

Mrs. Gosunkugi:  I'm afraid we don't have one.  The Schneiders next 
door might.

Hitomi:  ...

Shinnosuke:  Have what?

[Hitomi sighs.]

***************

[Days have passed.  We see Gosunkugi and Akemi in the backyard 
of Mimi's house.  They are both trying to walk on their hands 
around a small pecan tree that is only a few years old.  Both are 
dressed in what look like Pilgrim outfits.  Gosunkugi's hat keeps 
falling off.]

Gosunkugi:  Is this REALLY necessary?

Mimi:  It's the only way to do it without a human sacrifice.

Akemi:  [falls over on Gosunkugi]  We're never going to manage to 
make it around this pecan tree going widdershins seven times.

Aloysius:  [picks up the hat with his teeth and hands it to 
Gosunkugi]  It's easy!  [thinking]  And if it works, I won't have to 
spend all my time keeping squirrels away from the pecans.

Mimi:  Actually, now that I think of it, there is another way.

Akemi:  [hopefully]  Yes?

Mimi:  But you'd have to smear peanut butter all over your body.

Gosunkugi:  [handstands again and starts walking with his hands]  
This is just fine.

******************

[We see a nice backyard with a pool.  Jeremy, Asrial, Kasumi, and 
Ichi are there, all in bathing suits.  Ichi and Asrial are both wearing 
bikinis, while Kasumi is in a purple and green flowered one-piece.  
Asrial is banging on the backdoor.]

Asrial:  Hey, Susan!

[The door opens and Susan steps out.  She is dressed in a red bikini, 
more modest than Ichi and Asrial's, but not by a lot.  She has 
shoulder-length blonde hair and a nice figure, and also very large 
round glasses that seem constantly on the verge of sliding off her 
nose.]

Susan: Hi!  [turns to Kasumi]  You must be...[starts]  Kasumi.

Kasumi:  [offers her hand]  Nice to meet you.

Susan:  [hesitantly shakes hands, sounds shy]  Nice to meet you.  
You're very pretty.

Kasumi:  [blushes slightly]  Thank you.  So are you.

Susan:  [shakes her head]  No, I'm not very pretty.

Jeremy:  [who is getting up on the diving board]  Yes, you are.

[Susan smiles shyly.  Ichi and Asrial frown in unison.]

*************

[We see Gosunkugi and Akemi sitting at a table, still dressed as 
Pilgrims.  Two thick test booklets sit by them, and they each have a 
twenty-foot long scantron.  Mimi is nearby, setting an alarm clock.]

Mimi:  This will test your magical and cosmological knowledge.

Akemi:  [looks at the cover]  What does TAAS stand for?

Mimi:  Texas Assessment of Achievement in Sorcery.  Standard 
State test.

Akemi:  Oh.

Mimi:  You have three hours.  Remember to only use a #1 pencil.

Akemi:  Not a #2?

Mimi:  If you use a #2, this corresponds to an elaborate demon 
summoning ritual and you will be carried off to the Abyss.

Gosunkugi:  ...

*****************

[We see Susan wave goodbye to everyone, then back into her house 
and slam the door.  She takes a deep breath, then lets it out.]

Susan:  Maybe just once I'll get an assignment where a kami or a 
boddhisatva or a saint or someone else like that doesn't show up.  
[sighs]  But this isn't it.  At least in this mortal body, she can't 
detect me.  I hope.

[She goes to the kitchen and gets herself some tea, then goes to the 
living room and turns on the TV.  Desire appears on the TV.]

Desire:  Report, Debbiegibson.

Debbiegibson:  Did you REALLY have to give me this stupid name?  
Even when they kicked me out of Hell for failing too many times, 
they didn't make me take a stupid name.

Desire:  Every time a mortal speaks your name, you will gain power 
from it.  

Debbiegibson:  It also means I'm constantly being distracted by 
people invoking my name.  Couldn't I at least get a cool person's 
name?

Desire:  That would require that you know what you're doing.

Debbiegibson: If I'm so incompetent, why did you even GIVE me 
this job?

Desire:  I was going to destroy you, and you begged for one more 
chance.

Debbiegibson:  I should have found a better employer when I...

Desire:  Who would have taken you?

Debbiegibson:  Anyway, I have bad news.  I think some kind of 
saint has come to town.

Desire:  [raises an eyebrow]  Tell me more.

*************

[We step backwards in time to when Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou 
brought the sleigh in for the approach to Kirin's castle.]

Ranma-DJ:  [thinking]  I just have to think of it as martial Santa 
impersonation and I'll be fine.  

Akane:  [now driving]  Okay, let's see if I can land this.  [She makes 
a perfect landing on the roof, right by a chimmney.]  I still think I 
should go in with you.

Ranma-DJ:  He probably doesn't remember Ukyou, and he can't 
recognize me, but even Ryouga wouldn't be fooled by your current 
disguise.  We can't risk Kirin spotting you.  

Ukyou:  You're also the only one of us who can drive the sleigh very 
well.  Have the engine run...uh, make sure the reindeer are ready 
on a moment's notice.

Akane:  [sighs]  Good luck, Ranma.

Ranma-DJ:  [leans over, takes Akane's hand and squeezes it]  I'll be 
back.

Ukyou:  [sighs mentally]

Ranma-DJ:  [hefts a bag of presents]  Let's go, 'Glorianna'.

Ukyou:  Yes, Santa.  [giggles]   

[They each step over to the chimmney, carrying a bag, then lay 
fingers alongside their noses and jump down the chimmney.  They 
land on the head of a cook who was just about to light a fire.]

Ranma-DJ:  Now we know why Santa waits for night.

**********

[We see Ukyou and Ranma-DJ in the cellblock.  Most of the 
prisoners are snoozing or staring at the walls.  Shampoo spots 
them.]

Shampoo:  Santa Claus?  We've been here for six months?  Aiya!

Mousse:  [turns and blinks]  Dang.

[The Happy Monkies, now locked in a barrel inside a cell, start all 
making monkey howls at once.]  

Ranma-DJ:  Hmm.  Let's see, best way to open these cells...

Ukyou:  [whips her present from Santa, a Swiss Army Mega-Spatula 
off her back, and pops out the lock picks.  She quickly picks the 
locks, freeing Shelf, Cologne, Mousse, and Shampoo.]  There you go.

Cologne:  We have to free Happy-chan!

Shelf:  [thinking]  My wife is in love with a barrel of monkies.  This 
is humiliating.  

Ukyou:  I am NOT going to get Happousai out of there.

Cologne:  I am a matriarch of the Amazons!

Ukyou:  [leans on her spatula]  I'm one of Santa's elves.  You want 
to get coal in your stocking forever?

Cologne:  Uhh...

Mousse:  You look rather like...

Ukyou:  [interrupting him]  Distant relative of mine lives in Nerima.  

Mousse:  Oh, okay.  

Ukyou:  [thinking]  Getting better sight didn't improve his brain.  

Ranma-DJ:  Ho ho ho, time for Santa to go!  [digs in his bag]  Oh, 
here's a present for you, Shelf.

Shelf:  [unwraps it.  It is a spraycan of instant love potion 
nuetralizer and bug repellant]  Thanks, Santa.  [sprays down 
Cologne.]

Cologne:  [snaps rigid for a moment, then screams at the top of her 
lungs]  AAAHHH!!!!  Someone made me fall in love with 
HAPPOUSAI!

Ranma-DJ:  They'll be getting coal in their stocking for sure.  Let's 
go.  [starts hustling the group along]

Shampoo:  Did Santa bring Shampoo a present?

[Ranma hands her a present.  Shampoo unwraps it.  It is the 
Mandarin chinese translation of 'Women carry mallets; Men run for 
their lives--A guide to relationships']

Shampoo:  Shampoo been wanting this!  Thank you, Santa!

[The doors fly open at the far end of the hallway.  Kirin and the rest 
of the Seven Lucky Gods are there.]

Kirin:  Ahah.  Prisoners escaping.

Shelf:  We didn't steal your boat!

Kirin:  [blinks]  I don't believe it.

Benten:  Santa is aiding a jailbreak!

Ranma-DJ:  [whispers]  Run to the roof, everyone!  [out loud]  Well, I 
couldn't fit their presents through the bars.  [He and Ukyou stride 
forward with the presents, which they start distributing while 
everyone else runs. ]

Benten:  [unwraps her present]  Oh wow, Jimmi Hendrix's guitar!

Kirin:  A LIFE TIME SUPPLY OF PICKLED VEGETABLES AND RICE-A-
RONI!  All right!

[While they are all dancing around, Ukyou and Ranma run off.]

**************

[We see Ranma-DJ, Ukyou, and Akane, still all in Santa outfits, in 
the sleigh, on the roof of Ucchan's Okonomiyaki.]

Ukyou:  We've got to get that kettle from the Musk Dynasty people, 
Ranchan.  [yawns]  But right now, I need sleep.

Akane:  Thanks for helping us out, Ukyou.

Ukyou:  Anything for Ranchan.  You know that.  [sighs faintly.  The 
other two look vaguely uncomfortable.  Leans over and is about to 
hug Ranma, but then simply reaches down and take his hand, 
giving it a squeeze.]

Ranma:  [quietly]  Anything for you too, Ucchan.  

Ukyou:  [smiles a little]  Goodnight, Santa.  [winks and leaps off the 
roof]

Akane:  [takes up the reins]  Time for us to get back to the North 
Pole.  [laughs as they go]  

***************

[Back to the Present.  We see Gosunkugi and Akemi sweating over 
the test.]

Gosunkugi:  [reading the question to himself]  A monster with five 
blue tentacles, three red tentacles, a wart on the left side of its 
nose, eight legs, three feet, and a detachable cow is:  A)  A 
Wollyump, B) The Second Coming of Elvis, C) Ayn Rand, D) 
Gorgamel, E) Ugly.  [Fills in C]

Akemi:  [reading the question to herself]  Selling your soul to two or 
more demons or other supernatural beings at once is:  A)  
Incredibly Stupid, B) Incredibly Stupid and Incredibly Dangerous, 
C) Ayn Rand, D) Profitable, E) a plot thread from both Hellblazer 
and Dr. Strange.  [Fills in B]

Gosunkugi:  [reading the question to himself]  If you are confronted 
by a succubus, you should:  A)  banish her with a cross, B) run to 
Papa Smurf for help, C) offer to give her Ayn Rand, D) have mad 
passionate sex, E) tell her you don't date girls with bat wings.  [Fills 
in E]

Akemi:  [reading the question to herself]  The Endless are A)  
Dream, Desire, Death, Delirium, Despair, Destruction, and Destiny, B) 
Moe, Shemp, Curley, Laurel, Hardy, Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, 
C) Charles Dickens, Robert Jordan, Terry Brooks, James Mitchener, 
and Ayn Rand, D) ugly and their mothers dress them funny, E) Kool 
and the Gang.  [Fills in A]

**************

[We see Kasumi, Ichi, and Susan at the mall.  Susan looks very 
nervous.  They are buying clothing.  Everyone is speaking English.]

Kasumi:  [holding up a blue dress to Susan]  What do you think, 
Ichi?  I think she'd look good in this.

Ichi:  [puts a hand under her chin and strikes a thinking pose]  
Hmm.  I think purple is more her color.

Kasumi:  It would set off her hair.

Susan:  [tinysweats]  You really think so?  [thinking]  She's taunting 
me.  It's probably holy clothing that will fry me to a crisp.  Find her 
weaknesses, Desire says.  I can outswim her.  I wonder if that 
counts.  She's got to know I'm a spirit by now.  Saints always know.

Kasumi:  [thinking]  Poor girl.  She's so shy.  [speaking]  Try it on.

[Susan nervously goes to a dressing booth.  Kasumi and Ichi switch 
to speaking in Japanese.]

Ichi:  I think you're right, Kasumi.  She will enjoy herself, once she 
relaxes.  She's even more tense than usual.  

Kasumi:  I think I'm making her more nervous.  [frowns]

Ichi:  You, make someone nervous?  Not unless she's fallen in love 
with you or something.  [laughs]

Kasumi:  [looks thoughtful]  Hmmm.

Ichi:  I was joking!  Geez, you don't ever get my jokes.

Kasumi:  I've seen weirder things happen.

Ichi:  You really think she...

Kasumi:  [holds up a blue blouse]  You think this would look good on 
me?

Ichi:  Yeah.  

[Susan steps out]  

Susan:  How do I look?  [spins about]  

Ichi:  [switches back to English]  You look great!

[Kasumi spots Akemi and Gosunkugi, both back in their 'gunslinger' 
wear.  Akemi is looking for clothing, and Gosunkugi is futilely 
trying to give advice, which is always wrong, of course.]

Kasumi:  Hi!  

Akemi:  [comes over with Gosunkugi]  Hi!

Susan:  [pales more]  Um.  Hello.

Akemi:  [looks at Susan, in English]  You to Akemi look like someone 
she knows.

Gosunkugi:  Nice to meet you.

Ichi:  Armed for battle?

Gosunkugi:  [laughs]  Water pistols.

Susan:  I don't think we've met, Akemi.  [bigsweats]

Akemi:  Mimi grading tests, so we went to buy better clothes.

Gosunkugi:  Any help you could give us in helping us look normal...

Ichi:  [thinking]  It'd take plastic surgery for you.  [out loud]  Sure, 
we'll help.  

***************

[Mimi finishes grading the tests.]

Mimi:  Hmmm.

Aloysius:  So how did they score?

Mimi:  He should be the familiar and she ought to be the sorceror 
by this.  [sighs]  We've got a lot to teach them.  

[The door opens and they walk in.  They are now dressed in 
'homeboy' garb.  Gosunkugi falls down because his pants are on 
backwards, and hamper his movement]

Gosunkugi:  I'm starting to think we should have asked someone 
else for help.

Akemi:  [helps him up]  Well, this didn't get as many stares as our 
other outfits.

Mimi:  Have you studied any cosmology at all, Hikaru?

Gosunkugi:  I read some books by HP Lovecraft, and I watched 
Cosmos.

Mimi:  Go put your pants on the right way, and we'll get down to it.

**************

[Mimi is standing in front of a projection screen while Aloysius 
works the projector.  Akemi and Gosunkugi are seated, eating 
popcorn and taking notes.]

Mimi:  There are 101 rules of magic.  If you know them all, you can 
accomplish almost anything, and you will know why you can't 
accomplish the other things.

Akemi:  Like the 101 Dalmatians.

Mimi:  Exactly.  That movie is actually a heavily coded mystic 
treatise laying out some of the laws.

Gosunkugi:  [blinks]  You're kidding, right?

Mimi:  I wish I was kidding.  

[Akemi and Gosunkugi both tinysweat]

Mimi:  However, we don't have time to get into the Kaballah, so 
we'll skip analyzing that film.  The first and most basic law is that 
magic never works unless you believe it will and unless you 
believe in what you are doing.  [The slide projector clicks and a 
simple black and white picture of the first law appears]  Even the 
most evil of mages believes in what they are doing.  This one, I 
have already taught you.  The second one is that everything you do 
has consequences.  These are not always proportionate, for the the 
tiniest of actions can ripple through the world and produce much 
larger effects, just as a small stone tossed in a pond can create a 
wave dozens of feet across.

**************

[Back in Japan, we see Shampoo reading through a book labeled, 
'The Little Big Book of Horrible Vengeance'.  She is taking notes.  
The following scene is all in Chinese.]

Mousse:  [sticks his head in]  We're about to start our war council 
now.

Shampoo:  Go away, Mousse.  I'm plotting.

Mousse:  I thought you wanted to help Ranma.

Shampoo:  This is to help Ranma.  [pushes her glasses up her nose]  

Mousse:  [sighs]  He was wondering where you were.

Shampoo:  Shampoo come out later.

Mousse:  [thinking]  Something is seriously wrong.

****************

[We see the army of the Musk Dynasty, surrounding and beseiging 
the Castle of the Seven Lucky Gods]

Herb:  Give us back our bucket!

Kirin:  You sent your men to steal our boat!

Herb:  We needed it!

Kirin:  Well, we're keeping the bucket as your boat rental!

Herb:  You don't have any use for it!

Kirin:  I'll use it to chill wine!  [gestures to Dai-Hakusei]  Launch our 
secret weapon.

Dai-Hakusei:  That's cruel!

Kirin:  Not as cruel as us having to put up with them.

[A catapult fires a barrel into the Musk Dynasty camp.  It cracks 
open and Happy Monkies erupt, rampaging everywhere.]

Herb:  CURSE YOU, KIRIN!!!!!

[One of the monkies grabs the unlocking kettle and starts to run off 
with it.]

Herb:  NOT THIS TIME!  [chases the monkey through the anarchy, 
finally grabbing it.  The kettle tips over and pours on the monkey.  
It turns into Happousai.  So do all the other monkeys.  There are 
now a hundred Happousais running around the camp.]  Ack.

***************

[Cologne is sitting and reading 'Seventeen', while Shelf pores over a 
map and Ranma, Akane, and Ukyou reminisce about their past 
encounters with the Musk Dynasty and the Seven Lucky Gods.]

Akane:  Maybe if we help Herb recover the bucket, he'll let us use 
the kettle.

Ranma:  I wouldn't count on it.  

Ukyou:  [glances over at the map]  Oz is in China?

Shelf:  The Red Army tried to invade in '53, but the Deadly Desert 
killed most of their army and General Gale crushed the remainder.  
For understandable reasons, the Red Army covered it all up.  I 
think General Liu ended up being turned into a knicknack by 
Ozma's magic belt.  

Ukyou:  I thought it was on a big island.

Shelf:  As Confucious said, magical places tend to move without 
leaving forwarding addresses.  

Mousse:  [comes out]  Shampoo won't come out of her room for 
some reason.

Cologne:  I'll get her out here. [heads into Shampoo's room]

Shelf:  Anyway, getting the kettle away from Herb won't be easy.

Akane:  We should ask first.

Shelf:  [blinks as if he had never thought of this for a second]  An 
interesting idea.

Akane:  [thinking]  I have a bad feeling about this expedition.

*************

[Kasumi, Jeremy, Ichi, Asrial, Susan, and Phrank are playing Truth 
or Dare at Jeremy's house.  For no apparent reason, Phrank is 
wearing a pair of pants on his head, and Asrial is trying to sit with 
one foot behind her head.  She keeps falling down.]

Phrank:  Dare.  Unless you're going to make me wear something 
else on my head, too.

Jeremy:  Hmmm.  Okay, Phrank.  You have to stand on your head 
until you pass out.

Phrank:  ...

Jeremy:  Hop to it!

Phrank:  [stands on his head]  Okay, my question, right?

Jeremy:  Right.

Phrank:  Okay, Kasumi, Question for you.

Kasumi:  [smiles]  Okay.

Phrank:  So who is the cutest guy you've met here?

Kasumi:  [blushes]  Dare.  [thinking]  If I say Jeremy, Ichi and Asrial 
will get mad.

Asrial:  [mutters]  Bad choice, Kasumi.

Phrank:  [big grin]  Okay, your dare is take off your blouse and 
keep it off for thirty seconds.

Kasumi:  ...  [blushes horribly, notices Susan is watching her 
intently]  Well, I want to be a good sport, so...

Jeremy:  PHRANK!

Phrank:  Hey, I'm doing both of the dares I was set to!  She doesn't 
even have to pass out like me!

Ichi:  You don't have to do this, Kasumi.  Pick another dare, Phrank.

Asrial:  [grins]  I have an idea.  [scoots over and covers Phrank's 
eyes]  Okay, close your eyes, Jeremy.  [closes his eyes]

Phrank:  That's CHEATING!

Asrial:  You never said that YOU have to see it.

[Jeremy closes his eyes, and Kasumi takes off her blouse for thirty 
seconds, then puts it back on, blushing bright red.  Susan stares at 
her unblinking in surprise for a moment.]

Kasumi:  My question now?

Jeremy:  Yes.

Kasumi:  One for you, Susan.

Susan:  [nervously]  Okay.

Kasumi:  Name a boy you like.

Susan:  [bigsweats]  I...uh... [glances at Jeremy, glances at Kasumi, 
Asrial and Ichi]

Phrank:  Me, I bet!  

Susan:  Dare.

Kasumi:  Umm.  Ummm.  [looks increasingly frantic, thinking]  I 
don't have any good ideas...

Ichi:  [whispers in Kasumi's ear]  Have her trade bras with you.  
[giggles]

Kasumi:  [blushes horribly]  Oh my.  

Phrank:  [weakly]  Make her stand on her head until she passes out.  

Kasumi:  [look of a light coming on]  Sing um...Sing Joy to the World 
while standing on your head.

Susan:  ...

Asrial:  Oh, the do two things at the same time trick!

Ichi:  That's not so hard.

Susan:  I...uh...don't know it.

Kasumi:  [pulls a small hymnal out of her purse, pages through it]  I 
bought this so I could practice my English and sing at the same 
time.  [smiles]  

Susan:  You're Catholic?

Kasumi:  Anglican, actually.  Mother was Anglican, Father is sort of 
Buddhist, and sort of confused, I think.  Nabiki never thinks about 
it, and Akane can't make up her mind.  

Ichi:  Anglican?  In Japan?  

Kasumi:  Well, we're not exactly overrunning the nation with sheer 
numbers.  [smiles]  But there's close to 200,000 of us.  Anyway, 
[tosses the book to Susan, who holds it as if it was on fire]

Susan:  [thinking]  I should be catching fire.  Sing 'Joy to the World' 
she says.  Saints aren't supposed to be sadists, but I can't afford to 
blow my cover.  [stands on her head, speaking]  Here we go.

Kasumi:  [sits back and smiles pleasantly]  I really like this song.

Susan:  [nervously]  Joy to the world...

***************

[We see Gosunkugi and Akemi in Mimi's laboratory.]

Mimi:  Now, what you have to do here, is use the principles we've 
taught you to get the coins in your pocket into Akemi's pocket 
without physically moving them.

Gosunkugi:  Any of them at all?

Mimi:  [smiles]  You can move one of them, but that's all.

Gosunkugi:  [thinks a moment]  Ahah!  [reaches into his pocket and 
pulls out one coin, chants briefly, then hands it to Akemi.  He 
concentrates again, and Akemi jumps slightly.  She reaches in her 
pocket and pulls out a lot of change]  It worked!

Akemi:  Wow!  [thinking]  I could feel the power for that flowing 
through me, but still...it was a bit of a shock.

Mimi:  And you used?

Gosunkugi:  Principles of Contagion and Similarity.  The coins had 
been in contact, and the similiarity was the movement of the coin.

Mimi:  Very good.  Now get the coins into my pocket by another 
method.

Akemi:  Would clonking you in the head count?

Mimi:  [blinks]  No.

Akemi:  Claiming a monster ran by and slipping it into your pocket 
while you're distracted?

Mimi:  No.  

Akemi:  Summoning a Demon Lord to do it?

Mimi:  That would be overkill, and foolish.

Akemi:  How about sleight of hand?

Mimi:  Such as?

Gosunkugi:  Check your pocket.

[Mimi pulls out the coins]  

Mimi:  Very nice.  Now let's try it with MAGIC.

Gosunkugi:  [tinysweats]

**************

[Susan sits back down, looking dizzy, and tosses the hymnnal back 
to Kasumi.]

Susan:  [incredibly nervous]  My question?

Kasumi:  [smiles]  You sing well, Susan.

Susan:  Uh, thanks.  [turns to Jeremy]  So Jeremy, who do you think 
is the prettiest girl in the room?

[Asrial and Ichi pivot and STARE at Jeremy.  He begins to sweat.]

Jeremy:  I...uh...Dare.

Susan:  Kiss the prettiest girl in the room.

Jeremy:  ...

Phrank:  [still on his head]  Hey, you can't turn the question into a 
dare to the same point!  That's cheating.  [wobbles]  I think I'm 
about to go thunk.  

Jeremy:  [breathes a great sigh of relief]  Whew.

Susan:  Right.  Kiss Kasumi then.

Kasumi:  [big eyes] ...

Jeremy:  ...

[Ichi and Asrial both look about to explode.  Kasumi glances over at 
them, and recognizes a familiar situation.]

Kasumi:  [leans over and whispers to Jeremy, who smiles]  I...I'm 
ready.

[Asrial and Ichi are going for their weapons as Jeremy leans over 
and quickly pecks Kasumi on the cheek.  She blushes horrendously 
anyway.  Asrial and Ichi look tense, but sit back down.]

Jeremy:  Uh...my question?

Phrank:  Someone catch me!  [flops over, and everyone simply gets 
out of the way, except Kasumi, who tries to catch him, but slips on a 
pillow and flies across the room, out of control, crashing into Susan 
on the couch.  The couch flips over and they end up face to face, 
lips about an inch apart]

Kasumi:  I'm so sorry!  I didn't see that pillow.

Susan:  [thinking]  Sure you didn't.

[Everyone rushes around.  Ichi helps Kasumi up.]

Kasumi:  I'm really sorry.

Susan:  [gets up]  I think I need to go home now and take a nap. I'm 
tired.  [strides off]

Kasumi:  [runs after her]  I really didn't mean to do that!

Susan:  [stares at her silently, then leaves]

Kasumi:  [sighs]  It was an accident.

Ichi:  I know.  We can bake her something later, so you can take it 
to her as an apology.  I think she's just a little too shy to play this 
game.

Kasumi:  [thinking]  So am I.

*************

[We see Akane back in her bedroom.]

Akane:  Well, THAT was a disaster of a planning session.  [sighs, 
reaches onto her desk and pulls a book off it.  It is titled, 'Cooking 
for Tomboys'.  She sighs]  Even Santa makes fun of my cooking.  
[pages idly through it, and begins to smile]  Hmmm...I think the 
oven is calling me.

**************

[At the Saotome household, Genma's parents and Genma are 
watching TV.]

Grandpa:  Hmm.  This Crayon Shin-chan reminds me of Genma, but 
more mature.

Genma:  [fumes]

Grandma:  Now, dear, Genma graduated past juvenile pranks a long 
time ago.

Genma:  [smiles]

Grandma:  He never quite made it out of adolescent pranks, but...

Nodoka:  [walks in]  You two had better be careful.  I just put out 
some rat poison.

Grandpa:  [drops the cheese he is eating, screams, and runs out of 
the room]

Genma:  Nice joke dear.

Nodoka:  That wasn't a joke.

[Genma screams and runs out of the room.  Nodoka looks 
expectantly at Grandma.]

Grandma:  That was one thing he didn't learn from ME.

[Ranma-DJ walks in, looking depressed.]

Grandma:  I take it the planning session went badly?

Ranma-DJ:  It turned into a brawl.

Grandma:  [gets up]  Let me give you a hug.  [hugs him tightly]

Ranma-DJ:  Can I have my wallet back, Grandma?

Grandma:  [blushing]  You're much more clever than your father.  
[hands over the wallet]

Ranma-DJ:  And the money.

Grandma:  [smiles]  Here you go.  

Ranma-DJ:  [tosses a wallet to Grandma]  And here's yours.

Grandma:  Such a CLEVER boy!

Nodoka:  [gives a strangled cry and stomps out]  

Ranma-DJ:  I'd better go see to Mom.  [runs after Nodoka into the 
kitchen]  Mom, are you okay?

Nodoka:  My son is a pickpocket!

Ranma-DJ:  Only with Grandpa and Grandma.  You know that.  They 
cry if I don't.

Nodoka:  It just...It just isn't right.

Ranma-DJ:  Then throw them out.  This is you and Dad's house, not 
theirs.

Nodoka:  I can't throw out my husband's parents!

Ranma-DJ:  Do you think you're going to convince them to stop 
stealing?

Nodoka:  [sighs]  I'll teach water to run uphill first.

Ranma-DJ:  [walks over and puts a hand on his mother's shoulder]  
It's like I learned, living with Dad.  If you can't change someone 
and you can't either leave or get them to leave, you just have to 
accept how they are and put up with it as best you can.

[Genma and Grandpa crash through the room, fighting for control of 
a first aid kit, then tumble out into the living room.]

Nodoka:  Which can be pretty hard sometimes.  Sometimes I 
wonder why I married your father.

Ranma-DJ:  Why did you marry him?

Nodoka:  He's a good man when he's not being lazy, irresponsible, or 
dishonest.

Ranma-DJ:  So why did you marry him?

Nodoka:  I used to be as nuts as him in some ways.  Maybe I still 
am.  With all his flaws, he's utterly faithful to me.  I know that in 
all the years he was gone, he never looked at another woman.

Ranma-DJ:  And no wo...yeah.  

Nodoka:  [sits down]  You never find the perfect person to marry.  I 
could have waited for someone better, but there's no guarantee 
that I would have found one.

Ranma-DJ:  [sits down]  I guess most people aren't as overly blessed 
with choices as I was.

Nodoka:  So why did you pick Akane over the others?

Ranma-DJ:  [looks nervous]  Because...well,...she...I mean, it's not like 
I didn't like Ukyou.  And I kinda liked Shampoo.  She could be 
really nice sometimes.  Kodachi was right out, though.  But with 
Shampoo, I never knew if she was going to suddenly decide she 
had to kill one of my friends or if she was trying to manipulate me 
into something.  [shifts nervously]  And with Ukyou...I dunno.  I 
dunno if I could marry someone I used to think was a boy, even 
though...I mean, she's seriously cute now.  And nice.  But...Akane 
just...we fight sometimes, but she just...I always know where I 
stand.  I...I love her.  [sits up straight]  Maybe if I understood why 
better, I could have made my choice sooner. 

Nodoka:  Exactly.  I love your father.  I'm an idiot, and I know it, 
and I don't care.  Love is the best thing to be a fool for.  And he 
loves me.  With both of you by my side, I can face anything.

[Genma chases Grandpa across the kitchen.  Grandpa is waving the 
first aid kit over his head and making faces at Genma.  Grandma is 
in hot pursuit.]

Nodoka:  And I may have to.

**********************

[We see Soun watching TV.  Nabiki comes in.]

Nabiki:  Daddy, we're going to Las Vegas to find Ryouga's father.

Soun:  [leaps at her, looking desperate]  No!  DON'T LEAVE ME!

Nabiki:  We'll only be gone a few days, Daddy.

Soun:  [begins to cry]  But...there will be no one to cook for me!

Nabiki:  I don't cook anyway.

Soun:  But if you and Akane both leave...

Nabiki:  I'm going with Ryouga, not Akane.

Soun:  On second thought, take Akane.  I'll go live with the 
Saotomes.  [grins]  Finally, I get to mooch off of someone!  [dances 
around happily]

Nabiki:  No one can say Daddy is hard to please.

*************

[We see Herb's army disintegrating under assault from a hundred 
Happousais.  However, one by one, the Happousais are starting to 
fuse back together, whenever one of them comes near another one.  
Unfortunately, Herb's army is running for the hills faster than the 
number of Happousais is diminishing.  Finally, all that is left is Herb 
and Happousai.]

Herb:  I will destroy you for what you have done!

Happousai:  Your stupid minions caused me to turn into a barrel of 
monkies!  Well, I plan to be NO FUN AT ALL!  DIE!  [charges Herb 
who stands his ground]

Herb:  Dragon Flying Spirit Attack!   [We see he and Happousai vanish in a 
blast of chi]

*****************

[End Part 7]





John Walter Biles :  MA-History, Ph.D Wannabe at U. Kansas         
ranma@falcon.cc.ukans.edu       
rhea@tass.org              http://www.tass.org/~rhea/falcon.html
rhea@maison-otaku.net      http://www.maison-otaku.net/~rhea/

Mr. Mxylplk:  Doesn't it ever bother you that your entire life is one big
expository device?  [to Professor Hamilton]