Andrew Dynon <adyn1@students.latrobe.edu.au> wrote:

Okay, I�ve been planning to write this for quite some time, and only just
got around to it.  It�s a prequel to the shortfic "Coming Back", which I
posted waaaaay back in December, and will go into the events described there
in more detail.

BTW, just so people who don�t like the character know, this is going to be a
"High Shampoo Content" story.

But is it pH balanced? :)

Any & all C&C NEEDED.  MSTs especially welcome.

Okay... first of all, on the formatting, try to use ascii elipses (...
characters) instead of the word processor thingy.

For the most part, I like the story. It's a promising beginning with
some good possibilities.

The writing is not bad, but could be improved. For one thing, you have a
tendency to tell us things in sort of narrative summary that would be
better shown directly. I can try to be more specific about this if you
don't know what I mean.

Secondly, you often use a passive voice when an active one would read
better. Some examples of this:

Passive:

Shampoo returned the hug given to her by her friend.

Active would be:

Shampoo returned the hug her friend had given her.

Passive:

Rin Tsu�s
influence had grown too great in her absence, and there had been a
corresponding wane in the political power among the amazons that was wielded
by herself, their nominal leader. 

Active:

Rin Tsu�s influence had grown too great in her absence, and the
political power that Cologne herself wielded as their nominal leader had
waned correspondingly.

Oh, and lastly, I found the characterization of Xiao Hua to be a little
bland. I'd like to know more of her feelings and motivations, to know
that she is an interesting character on her own and not just there as
someone who wants what's best for Shampoo.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics