Kasumi the Biker Slut
by Trisha L. Sebastian
a 'Blame Mike Loader' Production




[You heard it right, Kasumi the Biker Slut.  Now that we've got that
out of the way, disclaimer, disclaimer, don't sue me, don't sue me,
yadda, yadda, yadda....  Now, onto the story!]



It was your typical day in Nerima, Tokyo.  Ranma got into a fight with
Happosai, Akane squashed the both of them flat with a mallet, Ranma
called Akane an uncute tomboy, Akane squashed him again with a mallet,
and Kasumi bought a Harley-Davidson motorcycle.

Now, usually, this kind of event would merit a face fault of some sorts,
or a gasp of surprise from the audience.  Feel free to do so right now.

[pause]

Don't you feel better?  Anyway, Kasumi Tendou went to the local motorcycle
shop to buy a Harley-Davidson.  She would have gotten a Yamaha, but that
wasn't the kind of bike that her new friend was riding.  She also bought a 
bandana, a leather jacket, some skanky clothes and got her nipples pierced.  
No, I am not going to describe the nipple piercing.


***************************


Well, okay, I'll describe the nipple piercing.  Down, you hentais!  It ties
into the story line anyways, so here goes.


****************************


Kasumi entered the small tatoo and piercing parlor in a back alley of
Nerima.  Clutching her shopping bag tightly in one hand, she pushed back
the curtain of love beads with the other.  "Hello?" she called out uncertainly.
"Is anyone here?"

A scruffy looking American poked his head out the back room.  <Get oudda
here, you miserable slut!  I tol' you already, I ain't gonna have sex wit'
you no more!>

Kasumi squirmed about.  She tried to remember the English she learned
in high school.  <Excuse me, kind sir, put holes in me, yes?>

<Oh!  A customer!>  The American bounded out of his chair and took her arm,
propelling her towards a chair covered in moldy old newspapers.  He shoved
them to the floor and sat her down.  "I'm sorry to have disturbed you,
kind madam.  Please accept my apologies."

Kasumi breathed a sigh of relief.  "That's okay.  It happens all the time.
Now, you do piercings here, right?"

"Sure, we got nose rings, ear rings, navel rings, rings around the bathtub,
eyebrow rings, vulva rings... name a part of the body, and I can punch a
hole in it for you."  He looked her up and down.  "You don't look like a lady
who'd want to have her vulva pierced.  You look like one of them submissive
repressed Japanese housewives with an Electra complex."

"I know, that's why I'm having it done."  Kasumi reached into her bag and
pulled out her Harley-Davidson motorcycle jacket and her bandana.  "See?
I'm having a complete makeover!"

"Nice jacket," he said, fingering the metal studs.  "'Born to Cook'?"

"It was on sale."  Kasumi beamed at him.  "So, would you pierce my nose or 
my lip, please?  I'm ready whenever you are."

"Now hold on a second, I have rules and regulations to follow."  He pulled
out a clipboard from a stack and started writing.  "Name?"

"Kasumi Tendou."

"Now is that first name first, or last name first?"  He scratched his head
with the pencil.

"First name first.  It makes it simpler."

"Okay."  He wrote that down.  "Occupation?"

"Submissive repressed housewife with an Electra complex."

He checked off the appropriate box.  "Age?"

"19."

He looked up at that.  "You don't look like you're nineteen."

"It's genetics."

He shrugged and looked down at the sheet.  "Now, I've got to ask some 
questions about your medical history.  Are you drunk now?"

"No."

"Ever been drunk in the past?"

"Um, yes."

"Plan to get drunk in the future?"

"Of course."

He nodded again.  "Taking any drugs?"

"No."

"Taken any drugs in the past?"

She paused slightly.  "No."

"Plan on taking drugs in the future?"

"Do you count alcohol as a drug?"

He considered it.  "No."

"Well, no."

"Okay."  He finished writing down some notes.  "Are you hearing any voices
in your head right now?"

Kasumi listened real hard.  "No."

"Any history of mental disturbances in your family?"

Kasumi thought about her father.  ".... no."

"Do you have psychotic episodes involving poodles and plates of macaroni
and cheese?'

Kasumi blinked.  "What?"

"Never mind, that one was a trick question."  He wrote down some more.
"Okay, you're a perfect candidate for piercing.  There's just one more
thing: why do you want to have this done?"

"It's a long story."  She fidgeted with her dress.

"That's fine, I've got time."

"Oh, okay then.  It all started with my little sister Akane...."


*************************


Akane tore through the house like a whirlwind.  She had her mallet raised
high and her ki was flaring.  Ranma scrambled ahead of her, topless
with his boxer shorts on.  Akane swung mightily, tearing a hole in the
wall.  "Just wait 'til I get my hand on you, you perverted, egotistical
little snot!"

"Now, wait just a second Akane, will you let me explain?"  Ranma leaped out
of the path of destruction, toppling an old Ming vase that Soun had
received as a wedding present.

Akane swung again amd missed, pulverizing what was left of the vase into 
little particles of Ming Dynasty dust.  She continued to chase Ranma down 
the hallway, and into the kitchen.  Kasumi was cooking dinner, delicately 
chopping vegetables and placing them neatly into the frying pan.  Ranma 
blazed by her and ducked under the table just in time to miss another mallet 
swing.  It hit the table instead, sending the knife, cutting board and 
vegetables flying into the air.  Akane could only look in horror as the 
blade arced up in the air and down towards Kasumi's back.  "Kasumi!" she 
shouted.


*************************


"So, your sister was trying to kill you?"

"Oh, no, not on purpose.  If she was trying to kill me, all she'd have to do
is cook dinner."

"She's that bad?"

"Let me put it this way.  Have you ever eaten dried octopus, with sweet and 
sour sauce, covered with teriyaki flavored mustard, served with lettuce 
dipped in margarine, salt, popcorn butter and oregano?"

"No."

Kasumi shuddered.  "I have."


**************************


Akane flung away the mallet and hit the frying pan with it.  She pushed
her sister out of the way of the descending blade and they crashed into the
pantry.

"Oh, wait Akane, I think--"

Ranma stared in disbelief as the blade fell straight in front of him, 
between his legs, mere inches from his crotch.  The pan tipped over, spilling
stir-fried noodles and vegetables down the back of his shirt, making him 
yelp with pain.  He ran out of the kitchen, headed for the pond.

"Akane!  Your mallet is too close--"

As he left, he tripped over the frying pan, sending it skittering away,
straight for Akane, who was trying to get up.  She also tripped on the frying
pan, skidding over to the closet with the water heater.  Kasumi looked
up just in time to see her grabbing at it to try and right herself before
she fell into the closet.  Her hands made desperate grabbing motions, right
next to the gas valve.

"Akane!  Wait!  You're turning up the--"

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!

The stove erupted into flame, prompted by Akane's twist of her wrist and
the mallet she'd flung onto the stove.  Kasumi could only watch in horror
as her kitchen blazed up, the flames creeping over the range onto the 
pot holders that her mother used to use, the curtains over the window that
she helped Mother pick out, the refrigerator, the rubber duckie, everything.

Akane tugged her out into the hallway, and the firemen arrived quickly, having
placed the Tendou residence on their 'frequent offender' list.  As they
hosed down the house, covering it in flame-retardant foam, all Kasumi could
say was, "Oh my."


***************************


"Of course, what I really wanted to say was, 'F@&k!' and 'S#!t!' and
'B*(*&(*^you$$^&Y&(&&^^in&(*&&^$$icepick^^%&^#$%^$&^(*&^$%^$&^badgerpiss!'"

The guy blinked.  "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"  Kasumi obliged.
"I don't think I've ever heard it used that way before."

"I heard it on TV once.  I've always wanted to say it."


****************************


"Oh dear, where am I now?"

To say that Kasumi was a bit in shock after seeing her kitchen--her beloved,
adored, and oft-fantasized about kitchen--was destroyed (yet again) by her 
sister was an understatement.  It's not everyday that one's personal 
sanctuary gets invaded by martial artists bent on destruction.  It was a 
good thing though that Nabiki had decided to opt for the Akane Tendou 
Destruction Clause(tm) option in their homeowner's insurance.

So, it was natural for her to want a bit of air after seeing the firefighters
haul out all of her mementos of Mother, the ruined pots and pans, the 
charred appliances, her beloved turkey baster and the secret stash of 
underwear that Happosai had been hiding in the pickle vat.  She was just 
going to stroll down to the canal, look at it in all its public sewage glory 
and return to the inexpensive hotel that the family had to stay in while the
insurance company assessed the damage.  So when she found herself in front 
of a bar in the next prefecture, Kasumi was a bit surprised.

The bar was a tad rundown, with several motorcycles outside.  She walked in,
as if in a daze.  Inside was no better.  On stage was a band playing the 
latest in punk thrasher music, while several people flailed about in front, 
leaping onto the stage only to dive off again into the crowd.  At the bar 
were several burly guys, with long unkempt hair and girls wearing short 
skirts, just barely long enough to cover their butt cheeks, clinging to tbe 
guys' arms.  One girl who had dyed her hair blonde was face down into 
another girl's lap in a booth with three other guys watching them, all of 
with their hands in their pants.

Kasumi walked up to the bar.  The bartender gave her a strange look and 
asked, "What do you want, sweetheart?"

Kasumi looked over at him nervously.  "Um, excuse me, I seem to have lost 
my way.  Do you know the way back to Nerima, Tokyo?"

The barkeep shook his head.  "Ain't never heard of it."  He hollered down
to a young unshaven man sitting near the end of the bar.  "Yo, Hiro,
you know the way to Nerima?"

The man gave a noncommittal grunt.  The barkeep motioned to Kasumi.  "There
ya go, you can count on ol' Hiro to show you the way."

"Thank you very much, sir,"  Kasumi found her way down the bar, and stood
next to him.  "Will you be able to help me get back home?"

The man grunted again, and said, "Sure, just as soon as my friend gets
back from the bathroom."  He motioned to the seat next to him, and Kasumi
sat down.  He offered her a bowl of peanuts, which she took, placing them
one by one on a napkin in front of her.

"Who are you?"

"My name is Kasumi."  She inclined her head.  "Pleased to meet you."

He grunted in reply.  She ate the peanuts in front of her slowly, putting 
the shell neatly back on the napkin and popping the nut into her mouth.

"You ain't the police?"

"Heavens, no."

"You sure?"

"Quite."  She took another peanut and shelled it in the same manner as before.

He grabbed a whole handful and shoved them into his mouth, shells and all
and crunched down hard, sending bits of peanut and shell flying all over the
bar.  "Well, if you ain't the police, what's a sweet looking girl like you 
doing in a place like this?"

The bartender brought her a sake bottle and a cup, which she declined 
politely.  The bartender shrugged, and put the bottle down anyway.  "I'm 
here because I got lost after my kitchen burned down."

"Really?"  He sounded impressed.  "What, you some kind of arsonist, or some-
thing like that?"

"Goodness, gracious, no!  It was just an accident.  Akane didn't mean to 
burn it down."  The salted peanuts were starting to make her thirsty.  She 
poured a little bit of sake into the cup, then wiped her mouth on a napkin.

"Who?"

"My little sister."  She poured more sake for herself.  Those peanuts were 
very salty.  "You see....."  Kasumi told the guy in the bar the whole story
about how she became the head of the household after her mother died, how 
she had to keep everything afloat, how Ranma and Mr. Saotome came to live 
with them, the engagement, and everything that had happened to her since 
then.  "...so after the gigantic wooden mallet caught on fire, the whole 
kitchen went up in flames.  I went out for a freath of bresh air."  She 
drained the fifth bottle of sake in one gulp, wiped her mouth on her sleeve
and belched.  "More!" she bellowed to the bartender.

"So you're mad at them for taking away your life."

"No!  I could never be mad at them!  I could never want to take that 
mallet of Akane's and shove it up her--"  Kasumi hiccuped and contemplated 
the sixth bottle of sake the bartender had brought swimming in front of her 
eyes.  "Well," she amended, "maybe I am."

"So, do something about it.  Do something you've never done before."
He chugged down his beer.  "That'll shock them into treating you right."

Kasumi looked at the guy, who was actually quite handsome after five bottles 
of sake.  She thought about all the times she wanted Dr. Tofu to notice her, 
all the guys who chased after Akane, all the times that she got passed over, 
looked over, underestimated and forgotten.  She chugged down the whole bottle,
wrapped her arms around the guy and gave him a wet, sloppy kiss.


******************************


"You what?"

"I kissed him."  Kasumi gave the piercing guy a sultry look.  "Would you
like me to demonstrate?"

He thought about it.  "Maybe later."


******************************


Kasumi pressed her lips against his, and forced them open with her tongue.
In the distance, she could hear some girl behind her screeching in her ear,
and the bartender's startled exclamation.  All she knew was that she
was drunk, and she was having her first kiss.  She loved it.

The guy pushed away from her and started gasping.  "...air...."  The girl
grabbed her arm and punched her in the face.  "No one kisses my guy!"
she hissed, as Kasumi staggered back, holding a hand to her lip.  She pulled
it away and saw the blood on her fingers.  The guy was gasping at the bar,
while the girl squared her shoulders, ready to fight for her man.

Kasumi gave a lazy smile.  "Oh, you don't want to do that," she slurred.
"I could take you out like that."  She tried to snap her fingers, but
couldn't feel them.

The girl bared her teeth.  "Sure you could."  She rushed at Kasumi, arms out-
stretched as if to strangle her.  Kasumi stepped to the side, and twisting,
punched her in the back, just above the kidneys as she passed.  The girl
stumbled to the floor, collapsing in a heap.  Someone in the crowd yelled,
"Fight!!" and the bar erupted into violence, chairs and beer flying, while
the girl struggled to her feet and launched herself at Kasumi again.

This time, Kasumi stopped the charge with a straight punch, followed by
a sweep kick that sent the girl sprawling.  Instinctively she straightened,
reaching behind her to grab an outstretched arm and throw another female 
attacker over her shoulder.  The girl crashed into a table, and slumped to 
the floor.  Kasumi looked all around her and evaded another guy, throwing him
into a big group of guys who were busy punching each other.

For the next twenty minutes, Kasumi cleaned up the bar, hurling people twice 
her size out the door, through windows, into each other.  All the while, the 
guy she had been talking to calmly sipped his third beer, watching the 
fight from the bar.  When the last opponent was flung out the window, she 
weaved over to the bar and ordered another sake.

He looked at her.  "I'm impressed."  Police sirens wailed in the distance.

She nodded.  "You should be."  She looked down at the new bottle of sake
and promptly threw up.  Then, as she looked at the mess all over her 
clothes, she thought, Father will be worried about me.  And fainted.


*****************************


The piercing guy looked at her.  "First time getting drunk?"

Kasumi nodded.  "First bar fight, too."

The guy scratched his head.  "You did pretty good for a repressed housewife."

Kasumi smiled.  "We're the ones to watch out for."


******************************


Kasumi woke up on the bare floor.  She got to her feet groggily, then
heard the sounds of several other females softly moaning.  She lifted her 
head and felt a sharp pain lance through it.  She groaned, then felt her
stomach heave.  She barely made it to the corner of the room, before she
threw up again, splattering her clothes with vomit.  She looked around her
and noticed the bars in front of her, the tiny benches along the walls,
the women laying in their own vomit.  Kasumi was in jail.


*******************************


"Jail?"  The guy raised his eyebrows.

"Yes, jail."  Kasumi twisted her hair around her fingers.  "Did I forget
to mention that I'm a wanted felon?"

"Uh, yes."

"Well, I'm getting to that part."


********************************


Kasumi looked around, her head pounding with pain.  Most of the women
were completely passed out, lying in a heap in the corner.  They all had
bruises on their faces and some had bloody noses.  She recognized them
from the bar fight.  Oh dear, thought Kasumi, I hope I didn't hit them
too hard.

Only one other woman was awake, and she was busy fidgeting with a long
piece of wire.  She was large, almost thrice as wide as Kasumi, with a 
wicked looking scar on her left arm.  When Kasumi's bleary eyes made contact 
with the woman's, she quickly hid the wire in her pocket and gave Kasumi a 
fierce scowl.  "What the *bleep* are you looking at?"

Kasumi blinked.  She'd never heard language like that spoken directly to her.
"I'm sorry...?"

"Just keep your eyes off of me, toots," the woman warned, baring her teeth.

Kasumi would have replied, but a sudden shot of pain rolled though her stomach,
and her response turned into, "Blearggghaaayaaaaaaah!" as she retched all over
herself again.

"*Bleep* woman!  You sick or something?"  The woman looked at the steaming
vomit disgustedly.

"Blearrraghhhhhhayamanaaaaah!"

"Gawd, the stench!"  The woman quickly ripped the shirt off of one of the 
unconscious women and shoved it at Kasumi, who politely wiped up the vomit.
When she got herself under control again, she handed the soppy rag back
to the woman, who casually threw it back onto the topless girl she'd
stolen it from.

"I think I'll be alright.  I just have a headache, that's all."  Kasumi 
scooted away from the vomit pool and the woman.

"Hangover, huh?  I can smell your breath from here."  She rummaged around
in her pockets, and tossed something small to Kasumi, who caught it in
one hand.  It was a prescription bottle, with two small white pills inside.

"Is it aspirin?"  Kasumi almost drooled at the sight of the analgesiac.

The woman smirked.  "Sort of.  Just take those, and you'll forget entirely
about your headache."

Kasumi obliged, dry swallowing the pills.  They went down smoothly, and 
she prayed that they would start working quickly.

"So, whatcha doing in here, toots?" the woman asked, giving her a curious
glance.  "You don't look like the rest of this slut heap over here."

"Erm, it's a long story."

The woman barked out a short laugh and gestured around.  "Does it look like
I'm going anywhere?"

"True."  Kasumi started telling her story, from the beginning.  The 'aspirin'
kicked in midway, and Kasumi started to giggle uncontrollably.  "....so....
<giggle> after I kicked all their butts, and <giggle> threw up--"
Kasumi paused.  "Is that three inch poodle on your shoulder?"  The woman 
shook her head, smirking.  "Any way, after all that *bleep* happened--"

"The mean ol' nasty policemen dragged you here, right?"  The woman looked
extremely amused.

"<giggle>  Yes."  Kasumi sighed, flopping over to lay her head on some
drunk woman's butt.  The ceiling started to drip on her and she covered
her head.  "I want to go home."

"I think I can fix that."  The woman produced her piece of wire again. 
"All I gotta do is jimmy that lock open, and we can get out of here."

Kasumi's eyes focused in on the lock.  It turned into a happy face, then
morphed into Akane, a mournful look on her face.  "Nah," Kasumi said,
struggling to her feet.  "I think I can get take care of it."  She weaved to 
her feet, focused her ki, spread her feet shoulder width apart, took out 
a large wooden mallet and hammered Akane into pieces.

The woman looked at Kasumi, the door, and her dinky piece of wire and 
shrugged.  "That works for me."  She got up, and moved to the door.
"Let's go."

"But wait!" Kasumi wailed.  "I can't go!  I'm all stinky-poo and I have 
throw up all over my clothes!"

"So," the woman shrugged, gesturing to the slut heap.  "Get some new ones."

For the next five minutes, Kasumi and the woman dug into the pile of
drunken sluts and picked out clothing.  The final outfit ended up being
three inch patent leather platform boots, a short leather micro mini-skirt,
topped by a hot pink lace bustier and matching choker.  When Kasumi modeled
the outfit, the woman clapped and leered appropriately.  Kasumi smiled
and reeled against the bars.

"You look great, kid."  The woman gestured towards the door way.  "After
you."  Kasumi nodded and giggled, striding out through the cell door and 
right smack into a guard.


****************************


"So, what'd you do?  Karate kick him into submission?  Give him a
judo throw over your shoulder?"  The guy demonstrated both manuevers
using an old blow up doll.  "Or did you wrestle him to the floor and 
punch his kidneys?"  He punched the blow up doll and it popped.

"Um, neither.  I didn't hit him at all."

The guy scratched his head, puzzled.  "So, how'd you get rid of him?"

Kasumi blushed beet red.  "I kissed him.


*****************************


The guard stood flabbergasted as Kasumi righted herself, then wound her arms
around his neck.  She fastened her lips securely onto his and kissed him
deeply.  In her mind, she imagined that one person she'd always wanted to
be with, to hold and caress, to live her life with in passion and ecstacy.
"Oh, Nabiki," she murmured.

As the guard stiffened, the other woman picked up his baton and brought it
heavily onto the back of his neck, knocking him out.  He dropped to the 
floor, and Kasumi watched him fall.  "Nabiki?"

"Enough of that," the woman ordered, grabbing Kasumi's hand and tugging her
down the hallway.  "Let's get outta here."


*****************************


"Wait, wait, wait," the guy interrupted her.  "You said 'Nabiki'.  Isn't 
that your sister's name?"

Kasumi blushed deep purple.  "Yes."

"So you're a..."  He made a wavering motion with his hand.

"No, no!" Kasumi cried.  "I'm not!"

"So why--"

"Let's just finish the story, okay?"

The guy smirked.  "Whatever you say, lady."


******************************



It turned out that the woman's name was Berusa and she had a sister who
lived in Nerima.  So, Kasumi hopped onto the back of Berusa's Harley-
Davidson motorcycle and the two sped off to Nerima.

The 'aspirin' started to lose its effect halfway there, and Kasumi groaned.
As much fun as it was, there's nothing scarier than speeding down a yellow
brick highway, flanked by enormous black piglets with Pez(tm) dripping
from their fangs.  Berusa heard her moan and laughed.  "So, you feel
any better now?"

Kasumi groaned again.  "No."  She tightened her grip on Berusa's waist.
"I am never doing that ever again."

"Which part?"

"All of it."

"It wasn't that bad, was it?" Berusa asked.  "You got into a bar fight
and won, managed to kiss two guys and got a whole new wardrobe.  If you
ask me, you managed to get out on top."

Kasumi pondered her statement.  "Yeah, but I also got sick, I broke my
nails, my kitchen burned down, and I'm a wanted felon."

Berusa snorted.  "Feh.  You gotta take your good with your bad."

Kasumi nodded.  "I guess."

The sun was rising just as they entered the business district.  Berusa 
drove up to the hotel and shut her engine off.  She turned to Kasumi.
"For what it's worth, I had fun.  You ain't such a bad kid, you know.
Here."  Berusa rummaged into her pockets and pulled out a scrap of paper.
Using a stub of eyebrown pencil, she wrote down an address.  "If you ever
want to do this again, you let me know, okay?"

Kasumi took the piece of paper reluctantly.  "I don't think I'm going to 
want to, but thank you anyway."  She shook Berusa's hand.  "Thank you very
much."

"Hey, don't mention it."  Berusa kick-started her hog again and waved 
as she roared down the street.  Kasumi shuddered and entered the hotel.
When she got to the room, she was tackled from all sides by her family.
Her father was crying and hugging her, holding her at arms length, then 
hugging her again.  Akane was crying, too, tears of happiness because Kasumi
was alright, and tears of remorse because she'd burned down the kitchen.
Genma and Ranma were crying too, because they'd had to endure Akane's 
attempts at making instant ramen while Kasumi was gone.  Only Nabiki stood
apart, giving Kasumi an appraising look.

"Kasumi!  Where have you been, my daughter!  I have been so worried about 
you."

"Kasumiiiii!  I'm so sorry, I'll never do it again!"

"Kasumi!  Can you make something decent to eat?  We're starved!"

"Kasumi.  Nice outfit."

Kasumi took one look at her family, their pleadings, their wants, their
utter dependance on her, and ran screaming out the door.


****************************


"So, I cleaned out my savings account, got a motorcycle, and now I'm
here."  Kasumi folded her hands into her lap.  "Can I get a piercing
now?"

"Sure," the guy said.  "Where do you want it?"

Kasumi showed him.  He said, "Oh my."





THE END




AUTHOR'S NOTES:

8-10-98:  Here is my contribution to BML Productions.  This fic really is
all Mike Loader's fault, as he was the one who created the first image
of Kasumi as a motorcycle mama in his Surreal Visions story, found
on RpM's 'The (sur)Real World' page.  Thus, Kasumi the Biker Slut
was born.

All comments can be sent to tls@thekeep.org and let me know what you
thought of it.

Trisha L. Sebastian