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----- THE SECOND TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM -----
------ BE ADVISED *NOT* TO ATTEMPT ADJUSTING YOUR SEX! ------
------- FANFIC SICKNESS WARNING! BROADCAST FOLLOWS... -------
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The Tendo household, midnight.
"AAAAHHHH!" The night was suddenly aloft with several burly
Amazons.
Nabiki shouted: "after him, ladies!" He's not gonna get off
before it's MY turn again!
Ukyo came out of the bath with Shampoo and Kodachi. "What's
going on?"
Kasumi looked up from sweeping the bits of ceiling from off
Ranma's room. "Ranma made a tornado with his fist when three
Amazons decided to take their turns at the same time."
"Aiya! Even Shampoo not able to handle three at same time!"
Kodachi just laughed, a small one. "But Ranma darling
couldn't possibly be able to - "
Cologne hopped in. "I'm afraid that he just might get away."
Nabiki did not like the sound of it. "How come?"
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"Ranma! WAIT!"
His knees turned to jelly, half out of fatigue, half out of
losing concentration, and half out of the fact that only one
voice could have done that, and that was the voice he heard.
He stopped on the branch and leaned on the trunk.
Akane stopped along the branch, catching her breath. "Don't"
*huff* "leave" *huff* "Ranma!" *huff, huff*
"Don't try to stop me, Akane. I- I have to get away." He
rested his head on his arm.
"What about me, Ranma?" She shook her head involuntarily, in
panic. "What about 'my princess' and 'I love you' and 'let's
do it again'?" The entirety of Ranma's resolve struck her
fully. "WHAT ABOUT MISTER HAPPY?!"
Ranma shook his head tiredly. "I- I thought I could handle
it. But after you, it was Kasumi, and I thought it would be
okay, then it was Kaori, then Akari, then that big Amazon."
He shuddered. "Miss Hinako, the water lady, Cream, me, Yuka,
Perfume, Nabiki, Azusa, Oil, Mom," another shudder, "Asuka,
Lotion, Mom again, me, Powder, Ukyo, Kodachi..." He trailed
off with a choke. "The old ghoul. It went on and on...
after Pink and Link, and LinLin and RanRan, I was sure I
couldn't handle those three." He finally turned to Akane,
whose protests died when she saw the horror and suffering in
his eyes. "I couldn't bear to..." He turned abruptly. "I-
I have to go."
Akane bowed her head. With deliberation, she pleaded:
"Don't leave me, Ranma. Not... not now, when we're this...
even if I have to share you..." She knew that he had decided
on his course, she mustered her courage, and spoke from her
heart... "Ranma... stay... please... we'll do it WITHOUT the
feathers..."
Ranma wasn't there anymore...
"RANMA! RANMA! I'll even make sure I tie up..." She looked
down. "NOW where did he go?"
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Cologne noticed the flash of light in the distance and shook
her head ruefully.
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The first thing that Ranma noticed was the pool of water just
below him. The second thing was gravity.
"Wha'tha-?" *sploosh*
In moments, a redhead bobbed on the surface. "Jeez, can't I
even pick my entrance?" Drifting, she pulled herself out of
the pond.
Looking around, Ranma nodded to herself. "Looks like the
place. Now..." She quickly ducked out of the way when two
speeding martial artists zoomed past her along a path in
front of her.
"Why're you in such a hurry, pop?"
Genma turned to his only (ungrateful) son, "Don't you feel it
calling to you, boy? With Jusenkyo this close, you can't
help but feel rushed with anticipation!"
"All right!" Ranma said, relieved. "I made it in time! Now
all I gotta do is make sure I, well, he doesn't fall in that
Spring of Drowned Girl!" Making some quick re-calculations,
Ranma reassured herself that it would remove at least 80% off
her "workload". She sped off in hot pursuit.
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The Guide looked as panicked as he could without being able
to do anything about anything. "Sirs! Is too bad fall in
spring!"
Unfortunately, this came too late, as Ranma had already
scored the telling blow. Genma fell headfirst into the pool.
"Yo, Pop! We done yet?"
Ranma was surprised (for what constituted the first time) as
a panda in a too-tight gi jumped out. "Wha- ? Wha- ?"
"Too bad, you fall in spring of drowned panda, shambao-
niichuan. There very tragic legend of panda who fall in
spring 2000 year ago. Now whoever fall in spring take body
of panda."
"You didn't say anything about that!" Genma, of course, took
this point to take revenge.
Ranma stared at his future rushing headlong at slightly
slower than terminal velocity. He had a flash of insight:
what would he turn into? If he did have a choice, what would
he want to turn into? Another flash... breasts...
Ranma pushed him as hard and as far as she could. "Darn it!
Almost didn't make it!" She safely rolled on dry ground, but
nearly fell into another spring herself. "Eep~!"
>From there, though, she saw Ranma arc off, about to fall into
another spring. "Stupid-!"
Suddenly, a gorilla rushed through the nearby brushes,
slamming into the in-transition martial artist, setting him
to a new heading, grabbing more sky.
"What was that?" By this time, the panda had already settled
down, and was plying the guide for some tea.
The gorilla flipped over, and flashed her a signboard. "This
is your fault, you know."
"Whaddya mean my fault?" She got to her feet and stared at
the hulking primate. The hairy behemoth, on the other hand,
merely stepped up to the other hairy behemoth (Genma-panda)
and picked up the kettle he was heating.
"This," Ranma said, "is what I mean."
Ranma-girl stared at the wet-Ranma-who-was-a-gorilla and
gawked. "H-How did you -?"
"Same as you. Except that this time, Azusa wouldn't keep her
hands off me, Mikado's made me his sworn enemy and Shampoo
keeps trying to get me back into the Chinese Zoo."
"So," Ranma-girl turned back to the springs, "where did you
send him now?"
Ranma-not-gorilla turned also. "Hn?" They watched as the
present Ranma returned from deflection, rapidly descending to
yet another spring.
"Bwee!" A fast-moving black blur knocked the ponytailed
wonder out of that pool.
"Lemme guess," male Ranma turned to the guide, "the spring he
almost fell in..."
The guide was flipping through the signs, shaking his head.
"Eetoniichuan, Spring of Drowned -"
Ranma-girl finished for them, "- Li'l Black Piglet." That
was when the drownee in question landed in-between her ample
bosoms.
Ranma-pig looked up with teary eyes. Ranma-girl bonked him
upside the head. "Idiot. You get out of trouble that way
often, don'cha?"
Ranma-not-ape picked up Ranma-pig by the nape and pointed
with the other hand. "Keep yer eye on the bouncin' ball."
Ranma-unwashed had lobbed right over the edgemost spring when
they heard some whinnying behind them. Another patch of
shrubbery rustled and gave way to a black stallion. "Whoa!"
It made quick headway to the puddle. "Poor, poor beast!"
The guide wailed, rifling through his omnipresent roll-o-
Chinese-name-signs to see what particular spring the horse
was going to fall into. "Eh?"
"What is it?" she (the only she) asked.
However, the horse barreled into the spring, forelegs sinking
into the water. With a fierce neigh, it thrust its head
upward, sending the again descending gi-clad-Ranma to another
future.
Ranma-primate grabbed onto the tail of the thoroughbred, in
an effort to keep it from falling, but it did him one better:
it pushed off its hindlegs to a proud two-legged position,
only to wildly fall out of the pond. "Whoa, nellie!"
Only then did Ranma-girl notice the braided mane. "I do NOT
believe it..."
"How could you not believe, Ranma," who was surprised to see
his father back in human form, "when the evidence is before
your very eyes? Although I wish one of you knew how to play
go..."
"That's why I'm here, you handsome devil you!" Another Genma
burst through the bushes next to those the horse had run
over. "That's my son for you!"
"You mean that stud over there?" Genma said, pulling out a
board.
The one in the red gi pulled out two sacks of stones and sat
in front of his twin. "Funny how being a horse made him less
wild." He took initiative.
On the other hand, a growing group of Ranmas, a strange sense
of camaraderie was setting in. "I tell you, you were better
off with Akane, man," Ranma-pig started.
"Howzat?" Ranma-girl was busy munching on some beef jerky
(no one he knew, he hoped).
"Well," the guy to her left began, "there's the cleavers..."
Ranma-not-so-hairy-now guffawed, "porkchops!" but most of
the others silenced him with knowing glances. "Sowwy," and
he went back to his meat.
One of the newer ones harrumphed. "Well, all I say is if
Nabiki only wanted a damned talking swan, she should just jet
over her and dunk Kuno in."
They nodded, acquiring a clear common point. Three more came
into the round.
"Azusa always fed me really awful-looking food..."
Ranma-giraffe snickered, "I don't remember it to be that bad,
y'know?"
Before monkey-boy could answer, a hand snuck behind him and
grabbed him by the far shoulder. "Ssshe jusst kept the cuter
piessssesss to herssselfff..."
"You're really creeping me out, y'know?"
"Sssorry."
"What bothers ME is when they keep mistaking me for Pop!" He
flipped the signboard. "Even Mom...!"
"TURN HUMAN, STUPID!"
Not-so-wild-Ranma sat sublimely, sipping a cup of tea. "But
isn't Kasumi such a great equestrian?" He turned. "EEEK!"
Ranma-girl turned to see what the fuss was about, thinking he
didn't shriek like thaaaAAA"AAAAA!"
The newest Ranma wondered what had set all off the other
Ranmas off. Looking for a rippleless spring-surface, he took
a l-
"H-H-Hey, g-gguide! WW-Water, qquick!"
Unfortunately, the guide could not be bothered to turn back
the fainted cat into human form, because he was wondering
where the very battered Ranma was going to land, as he was
being volleyed between a floating robed figure with three
heads and a yeti-riding-bull-carrying-crane-and-eel.
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"Sorry, man," Ranma told his earliest incarnation, "we really
didn't mean to do that. Honest."
"It was like," the other apologetic Ranma, this one on the
other side, "like the inherent evil in other forms just takes
over when we're changed. Didn't want you to fall in the
spring o'drowned snail. Right, man?"
"Ab-so-lutely. No hard feelings?"
Ranma did not feel good about either of them. He needed to
talk to Ranma-girl to see if he knew anyone else who fell in
those springs. "Sure." He walked on.
"Crossed my fingers."
"So did I." Ranma-not-Ashura held the bucket. "See you in
another li-"
Calm-Ranma held the bucket softly but firmly. "Now, now,
boys... play later." Taking the bucket, he only overheard
the folloeing lines:
"Is he gone yet?"
"Think so. Gawd, he scares me."
He smiled.
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The ramen place was, quite literally, filled with Ranma.
"This is a great idea, Pop." Ranma fastened the last of the
"1001 Ranmas" wagons.
"Of course, we still get more mone-OW!" The other Genma just
smiled back at his (one of his) son's questioning glance.
"Sorry." He sighed. "Y'know, life is great... we get paid
to have those kids do what they want to. I wonder what could
ever happen to ruin this."
They then started to feel a rumbling, then to hear it. When
they finally turned, the only recourse they had was to run
away from the hills. That they did.
"RANMA! NOW YOU WILL PAY!" a thousand-and-one Ryogas
screamed.
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----- THE SECOND TEST OF THE EMERGENCY BROADCAST SYSTEM -----
------ RETURNS YOU NOW TO ALLY McBEAL. BROADCAST ENDS. ------
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