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~ Squeek!  Pass the cheese...       ~
~ "You evil, EVIL man!" -- Foxtrot  ~
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-------------- Enclosure number 1 ----------------
	Within the Anime multiverse, there exist a plethora of 
possibilities.  A very few of these are carefully sculpted and nurtured to 
life by curious beasts called "fanfic authors".  So curious are these 
beasts that a group of detectives have sprung into existence seemingly
spontaneously to oversee their activities, whether they be for good or for 
evil.  They are the Anime Police Detectives.

			Anime Police Detectives
			      Case Files

			When Ranma was Two
				or
		A Funny Thing Happened at Jusenkyo

			By Matthew Lewis

It's a difficult job, but somebody's got to do it! -- Detective Mouse


	Little is known about the origins of the Anime Police Detectives.  
What few facts there are have been clouded over by the vast sea of rumour 
and myth that has overspread their legendary exploits.  Ne'ertheless, 'tis
certain that their leader calls himself "The Mouse", and that their mission 
is to keep the anime multiverse safe in the midst of the chaotic plethora 
of fanfiction which doth permeate it.
	'Twas not so long ago that there came an urgent call from the 
Takahashi dimension.  Trouble there was a commonplace thing, so the APD 
were prepared to deal with it.  Of course, this call was to be a more 
difficult case than most...

	It was late afternoon at the APD headquarters, at least according 
to the clock on the wall.  A few star-studded nebulae were drifting by 
outside, but since this scenery hadn't changed significantly during the 
past several millennia, it wasn't much use for telling the time.  The lobby 
was sparsely decorated.  A few red-lettered wanted posters hung on the 
off-white walls, and a couple of limp, sickly-looking potted plants filled 
the corners.  Glass doors lined a blue tiled hallway winding into the 
depths of the building, labeled with gold plates bearing the names of the 
detectives on the APD force.  There was a glass elevator in the center of 
one wall with a small sign beside it, which bore the word "EXIT" in large, 
scripted letters.
	The Mouse's office door was open halfway.  There was a television 
on a stand in one corner of his office, and the Mouse himself was reclining 
at his desk, watching the latest episode of "Hearts and Minds" while he 
idly toyed with a fearsome-looking remote control with an impossible number 
of large, blinking red buttons jammed onto its surface.  A ceiling fan 
whirled slowly overhead, rustling the morass of papers which were scattered 
all across the desk.
	The phone rang stridently, whistling a strange little tune 
reminiscent of a smart brass band's refrain, played on a cheap synthesizer.  
Mouse flicked the "pause" button with a delicate paw, provoking an angry 
yelp from the TV, and picked up the phone in his other paw.
	"Hello?" said a chorus of voices.  "Hello!?"
	"Anime Police Detectives, Detective Mouse speaking," he replied 
lazily.
	"Uh, yeah," muttered the two voices.  "Look, we've got a serious 
problem here."
	"Homicide, assault and battery, rape, theft, what's the problem?"
	"Um...nothing like that, no," the voices said sheepishly.  "But we 
need help!"
	Mouse sighed.  "All right, but I need to know a little more first.  
What can you tell me about the situation?"
	"Well, it's pretty simple, really," they said in unison.  "There's 
two of us -- we've been split in half!"
	Mouse grimaced, and looked at the audience.  He held up a sign and 
pointed at the phone:  IS HE FOR REAL?  He nearly face faulted when someone 
replied:  YEP.
	"Whoa.  So...let me get this straight.  There's two of you, and 
this is somehow a problem...?"
	"Yeah!" they answered immediately.
	"Okay, Mr.--"
	"Ranma.  Just Ranma."
	"Okay Mr. Just Ranma, what in Hellivision are we supposed to do 
about it??" Mouse said, irritated.
	"Well...uh...could you just send someone out?  See, we're in 
between chapters here--"
	"Oh!" Mouse oh'ed.  "Well, that's different.  Standard 
'procrastinating author' cases are pretty common -- we get tons of those."
	"Um...yeah, whatever.  Look, how long is it gonna take for someone 
to get here?"
	Mouse pointed his remote at the phone and pressed a button labeled 
'TRACKING'.  Then he hung up the phone.
	Mouse stretched, cracking his back, and got up from his chair.  
"Let's see," he murmured, as he rummaged through the papers on the desk.  
"Clipboard...check.  Damage waivers...check.  Incident report form... 
check."  He opened a drawer, and pulled out more items of interest.
"Pen...check.  Handcuffs...check.  That should do it."
	He walked out of his office, and down to the elevator.  The 
elevator doors slid open silently, and he entered.  After pressing a few 
buttons on the enormously complicated-looking remote control, there was a 
flash of light and the faint hiss of channel static, and he disappeared.

	"Hello??" shouted two identical, angry-looking teenagers into a 
pair of pay phones simultaneously.  "HELLO!?"
	The teenagers were calling from a fairly quiet street in front of a 
humble-looking Japanese restaurant.  The sign above the door said, "Emi's".  
The doors were closed, however -- it was still fairly early in the day.
	The Mouse flashed into existence behind them, causing a few 
passerby to scatter in panic.  "You called?"
	"Aaah!" they both screamed, turning around to face the new arrival.
	The Mouse bowed slightly.  "At your service."
	"Who the hell are you?" they both asked.
	"I'm the senior Anime Police Detective," Mouse answered as cheesy 
music began to play in the background.  "If you have a problem, if no one 
else can help, and if the anime multiverse help line operator doesn't put 
you through to the Goddess Relief Office first...we can handle anything!"
	"Oh," the two teenagers deadpanned, as the music thankfully stopped 
playing.  "So...uh...now what?"
	"The facts first," Mouse replied.  "What's the situation?"
	"Well," both of them began...
	

In China:

	A sombre valley filled with pools.

	A bamboo pole stands stoically in each pool.

	A panda knocks a teenaged boy/man into one of the pools.

>From the pool, a confused shout. "What the hell happened to my clothes?"

"Who are you?"  asked the other (clothed) resident of the pool.

"Oh, sirs. You fall in spring of drowned twin. Very tragic story of 
twins who fall into pool many year ago and drown. Now, whoever fall into 
pool take form of twins," said the Guide.

	"Okay, standard Jusenkyo curse," said Mouse.  "No problem.  A lot 
of my calls are from this guy that turns into a girl--"
	"What!?" said Ranma.
	"Sick!" said Ranma.
	Mouse simply shrugged.  "Go on."

Sometime later, in Japan:

	A dojo in Nerima district.

	A man cries as he reads a postcard from China.

	On the back of the panda postcard something is written:

		Bringing Ranma, 
					Genma.

	Soun Tendo calls his children to tell them about what the future 
holds for one of them. The girls are less than pleased at Soun's attempt 
at sooth-saying.

In the streets, in the rain:

	Two identical young men, wearing clothing of the Chinese style 
(one with a red shirt, the other a blue one, both short-sleeved, red-
shirt wore a back-pack) were busily shouting at a giant panda, which 
also sported a back-pack.

	"We're going back to China, old man!" the youths screamed in 
unison at the panda.

	"We already have a fiancee, why do we need another?" shouted the 
one in the red shirt.

	"Yeah!" blue shirt agreed with his obvious brother, "Besides, I 
was learning some stuff from her great-grandmother. Up until I," he 
cocked his head at his sibling, "decided to take a hot shower."

	Red shirt stopped pummelling the panda, and stormed towards his 
brother. "Hey, it was the old man that doused me/you! Besides, we 
thought we were rescuing you/me!" He highlighted his point with a quick 
thrust to the abdomen. 

	The situation quickly degenerated into a brawl, with neither 
brother gaining the advantage. Gravity-defying leaps, punches and kicks 
so fast that arms and legs became blurs, feats of flexibility that made 
one wonder whether the two had any bones in them, coupled with impacts 
into and through the surrounding walls and road, made onlookers doubt 
whether the two were truly human after all. So engrossed were the two 
brothers in their fight that they never noticed the panda come up and 
bash them into unconsciousness with a street sign.

	Mouse looked to the fallen street sign where the teenagers were 
pointing, as they related the events of the previous day:  DIP IN ROAD.
He snickered softly.

The house of the crying man and his daughters:

	"Put me down old man! I'm going back to China!" two angry male 
voices rang out.

	"Ooh! That must be them!" said the middle daughter, Nabiki.

	Nabiki and Soun eagerly ran to the door, wanting to see Genma, and 
his (hopefully) cute son. They ran back, fear and shock on their faces. 
Following them came two identical looking young men, who were in turn 
followed by a gigantic panda. The young men looked up from their study 
of the floorboards, and in perfect unison said, "I'm Ranma Saotome- 
sorry about this."

	"You were both named Ranma?" Kasumi asked.

	"Ooh, they're both handsome," Nabiki nearly squealed with obvious 
delight.

	"Ah, here's the problem!" Mouse said as his eyes lit up, glowing 
the same shade of red as his remote control.  "After the grand larceny 
charge that was filed against one Nabiki Tendo, during an investigation 
into the disappearance of Kuno's cloak, the APD did a complete background 
check on her.  She's had two dates in her life, and thinks most guys are 
morons.  She ended up with a three day rehabilitation period with Mikado, 
although that was successfully appealed on the grounds that it was a cruel 
and unusual punishment, but that's beside the point.  We've got an imposter 
here!"
	Both Ranmas blinked dully at him.  "Huh?"
	"Ahem.  She's not acting like herself."
	"Oh, right."  The two of them scratched their heads, in thought.  
"Must be a leftover plot element."
	The Mouse scribbled in his notebook, beginning a list of charges 
against the author:  "Leftover plot element..."

	Akane was non-plussed.

	Both Ranmas put their right arms behind their heads, rubbing their 
necks, peforming this action in perfect unison. The boys mumbled, "Not 
quite."

[Peforming should be performing.]

	"What do you mean, 'not quite?'" Nabiki repeated dangerously.

	The Ranma on the left (Blue shirt) looked at the other Ranma (Red 
shirt), who looked at the panda, then nodded to Blue shirt. "If we could 
have a kettle of hot water?" lefty said.

	The air around Mouse's remote control began to crackle.  Suddenly, 
a ghostly image shimmered into being several feet away from them.  Two 
vaguely familiar animated figures were arguing back and forth.  One wore a 
blue shirt, and the other a gold.
	"Analysis.  Mr.  Spock." said Gold.
	"Highly illogical, captain," replied Blue.  "The blue shirt 
definitely outranks the red."
	"I don't know," Gold said.  "Both of them smell pretty rank to me."
	The image chose that precise moment to vanish, and the remote 
control sparked twice.
	"What the hell was _that_?" the two Ranmas wondered aloud, wearing 
amazingly identical shocked looks.
	"Some other animated universe, it looked like.  My dimensional 
stabilizer is probably on the blink again."
	"What does _that_ mean?" asked Red.
	"Nothing serious," Mouse answered.  "As long as it doesn't go 
entirely, that is.  If that ever happened, we'd have the worst anime 
crossover since Lemon Sherbet."  He groaned softly.  "Now _that_ was a 
mess!  It took us _months_ to send everybody back to their own dimension!"

	Kasumi nodded, and went to prepare the water.

	Red shirt began, "Well, it happened when we were in China. The 
ole' man wanted ta go to the legendary training grounds of Jusenkyo...."

	By the time the Ranmas finished (one would often pick up midway 
through the other's monologue), Kasumi had finished heating the water. 
The Ranma closest to the panda (the one in the blue shirt), and dumped 
it on the creature, turning it into a middle-aged man known to Soun as:

	"Genma!"

	"It didn't have to be so hot, boy."

	"Live with it, old man," said the Ranma closest to Genma sullenly.

	"What happened to your hair? I thought you were going bald? Hair 
Club for Men?" asked Soun about Genma's long, luxuriant tresses (which 
were in fact longer than Soun's, much to his annoyance).

	Genma laughed, loud and resonant, straight from the depths of his 
belly before replying. "No, not that, old friend. All natural," Genma 
paused for a second, and used the time to run his fingers through his 
silken mane.
	"It was back in China; I was trying to catch the boy, who had run 
off again. As I was chasing him, I ran into a man who was carrying a bowl 
of soup. Now, you have to understand that I needed the energy to catch 
Ranma.  Besides, you remember what it was like training, eh Soun? Never 
pass up a meal, because you never know when you'll get another one, 
So...."

	"So you stole the man's soup and ate it," filled in Kasumi.

	Mouse raised an eyebrow.

	"Well, basically... which is to say... when you get right down to 
it...yes. Then the most amazing thing happened! I grew this!" Genma held 
up a lock of his hair for all to view or touch. No split ends, tangles, 
knots.  Very clean and very soft. Nice fragrance, too, noted Kasumi, who 
took it upon herself to examine the hair. Very well kept.

	"Theft of magical soup is a prosecutable offense, you know," 
murmured the Mouse.
	The two Ranmas nodded.  "'Cept the guy never prosecuted."
	"Why not?"
	"Let me finish this bit, and I'll explain," said Red.

	"It turns out that the soup was of a very special kind. It was made 
with the whisker of a dragon. If a bald man eats it, he regrows his hair. 
If a man with hair eats it, his hair grows uncontrollably until it falls 
out, only being kept back if it is tied off with another dragon whisker. 
Women are unaffected. Oh, you don't know the joy of getting my hair back!  
I can still scarcely contain myself!"

	"We found out later that he _was_ a dragon, in disguise," the 
teenagers said.  "The soup was just plain chicken noodle -- but one of his 
whiskers had fallen in."
	"Oh, I see.  I think...  So he never knew and never cared, then?" 
Mouse asked.
	"Exactly," the two Ranmas answered.  "He's probably got a hoard of 
treasure stashed somewhere, anyway.  He just bought another bowl of soup."
	"Hm."  Mouse thought about it for a moment.  "That's close to 
crossing the line, but I can let it slide, I suppose..."
	The two boys shrugged.  "Whatever."

	Indeed, Genma could not contain himself, weeping tears of joy as he
caressed his newfound hirsuteness. He began to murmur to his hair, "I
promise I'll take care of you and appreciate you this time around!"

	Akane just shook her head, a small amount of disgust showing at the 
man's vanity. Still, she had to admit, he really did have a nice head of 
hair.  Dr. Tofu would be sure to notice hair like that.

	"Why did he have to chase you?" Nabiki asked Ranma, since Genma was 
too engrossed with his hair, examining it for signs of damage.

	"No need to go into that now, boy," Genma frantically tried to 
stop the direction of the questioning.

	"We didn't want to leave China, and we didn't want to leave--" both 
Ranmas said simultaneously before being cut off by Genma.

	"I said there's no need to go into that, boy!" Genma bellowed, 
something which he did very well.

	"What's in China?" asked Nabiki, rendering it impossible for Genma 
to fix now.

	"Shampoo," both Ranmas said, a warm expression on their faces.

	"We have shampoo in Japan too," said Akane, peeved at these new 
and obviously strange *boy(s)*.

	Mouse smiled, noting the misunderstanding.  "Do you get a lot of 
comments like that?"
	Blue snorted.  "Yeah, it's--"
	"--damn annoying," Red finished.
	"Mm-hmm," the Mouse murmured.  "And now that you've come clean 
about it..."
	The two Ranmas glared at him threateningly, but finally continued.

	"Shampoo is my," the Ranmas looked at each other with a grimace, 
then continued, "our, fiancee. The old man dragged us away from her."

	"I thought I was helping you!" Genma thundered. 

	"Ranma was promised to one of my daughters before he was born!" 
Soun protested. 

	Both Ranmas turned on Genma with lightning in their eyes, and 
thunder in the faces. "We don't care, pops! We're going to go back to 
China!"

	"If you were going to go back to China, what are you still doing 
here?" Mouse asked curiously.
	"We're in between chapters, remember?" Ranma and Ranma muttered.
	"Oh.  You can't do anything without your author's permission, 
then?"
	"No, we--wait a second.  We hadn't thought of that!"  The two of 
them grinned deviously.
	"I'd be careful, though," Mouse interjected.  "You might end up 
having to take a _very_ quick trip back here, if your author decides to 
pick up _right_ where he left off, in the next chapter."
	"Hm.  I suppose..."  Both teenagers now wore sardonic expressions.
	"But all of this should be in your contract, of course."
	"Uh..."  They scratched their heads in unison again.  "What 
contract?
	Mouse nearly facefaulted.  "You mean to tell me you never signed a 
contract with your author?  He's got free reign over your every action!?  
LIFE OR DEATH AT HIS WHIM!?!?"
	"Uhhh..." they mumbled sheepishly.
	"Never mind," Mouse said.  "Just fill out this form, here, and I'll 
pass it along to your author.  We have to put a stop to this no contract 
business..."  He passed a slightly rumpled piece of paper, a pen, and a 
clipboard to the Ranma in Red, and scribbled another charge against the 
author into his notebook:  Fanficcing without a contract.
	(Little) Red Ranma filled out the RFC (Request For Contract) form, 
signed it, and handed it back to the Mouse.  Then he continued...

	"You haven't been showing me the respect I deserve, lately."

	"Give us a reason to respect you, then."

	"Are you interested in a little match?" Akane interjected in this 
obviously touching father/son(s) moment.

	The Ranmas looked at each other and shrugged. "Why not? Be a nice 
change of pace, from fighting myself. The old man ain't hardly a 
challenge no more."
	
	 The one in the blue shirt picked up the kettle of now somewhat-
less-than-boiling water, and poured it on himself. His clothes collapsed 
in a wet pile on the floor, as there was no body in them to keep them 
standing.
	The other Ranma in the red shirt reeled as if from some unseen 
blow. He shook his head a few times, trying to clear it.

	"What's that all about?" asked Nabiki.

	"Whoa. You try suddenly having two sets of memories ta deal with 
for the past two weeks. Takes a bit ah time to adjust when we've been 
two for a while."
	Ranma stood up, slightly wobbly from the change. Nabiki helped 
steady him.

	Mouse frowned.  "Um, Ranma?"
	"Yes?" both Ranmas answered.
	"How come you didn't just pour hot water on yourselves while you 
were waiting for the author to write the next chapter, then douse yourself 
with cold water once it came out?"
	"Oh," they said.
	"The water main was busted--" began Blue.
	"--so we don't have any water in the place at all," continued Red.
	"What's worse, it's still only been a day since the last chapter 
ended--" Blue said.
	"--because the next chapter starts today," Red finished.
	"Ah, that makes sense," Mouse said.  "Boiled river water wouldn't 
work, either, though?"
	"Akane and Kasumi won't let us in the kitchen until dinnertime!" 
the two of them complained.
	"Oh.  Um."
	"Yeah," they grumbled petulantly.
	"That reminds me, though."  Mouse turned to face the audience.  "As 
you are no doubt aware, life does go on (albeit in rather halted fashion) 
between chapters, and off stage from your fanfics.  Although your readers 
are surely overjoyed by the finely crafted cliffhangers at the end of your 
fanfic chapters, the animates that you write into these awful situations 
aren't.  Remember that, and be considerate in your next fanfic, hm?"
	Mouse scribbled down another charge into his notebook:  Animates 
cliffhangered for an extended period of time.  "The readers would probably 
mind the wait, too..." he muttered.
	"Yeah!" both Ranmas agreed.  "We're sick and tired of being stuck 
in the middle of a fight, or in Ms. Hinako's class, or on an endless date 
with Kodachi, or whatever.  Okay!?  Anyway..."

	"Which way to the dojo?" he asked.

	"This way, just follow me," answered Akane curtly.

	"I think I'll watch. This could be interesting," mused Nabiki.

	The trio made their way to the dojo, Akane in the lead, and Nabiki 
with her arm around Ranma's... purely to steady him, of course.

	"Ranma," Mouse began, "is your sister always like that?  After 
guys, that is?"
	"Well, no..." said Blue.
	"That is, she's not _usually_..." Red added.
	"Usually?" asked Mouse.
	"Well...maybe we should ask the author if he meant to do that," 
they replied lamely.
	Mouse nodded.  "I'm beginning to think this is a bit more than a 
leftover plot element..."

				***

	Ranma and Akane faced each other in the center of the hall, while 
Nabiki lounged lazily near the entrance. 

	"I warn you, don't try and go easy on me just because I'm a girl! 
Even though this is just for fun..." Akane trailed off ominously, 
frowning slightly.

	Ranma just had a slight, enigmatic smile on his face. "Don't 
worry, I don't make that mistake. I always evaluate my opponent on 
skill, and nothing else. Besides, if Shampoo ever found out I let up on 
an opponent cuz she's a girl...," Ranma just shook his head.

	"She's a martial artist?" asked Akane.

	Ranma nodded. "And an Amazon, too."

	Ranma and Akane flowed into their opening stances, projecting 
auras of readiness and confidence. Nabiki knew her role. 

	"Begin!" 

	Before Nabiki had a chance to blink, before Akane even registered 
her sister's shout, Ranma had closed the distance, and Akane went flying 
into a wall. He went over to her and offered a hand up, which Akane 
accepted with a glare.

	Back to the center of the hall, the two martial artists bowed and 
waited for Nabiki to say the magic word again.

	"Begin!"

	This time Ranma let Akane come to him. Akane started off with a 
quick lunge, and followed it up with a high kick; neither of which 
connected to a Ranma that was no longer there, crouching low for a sweep 
kick which dropped Akane to the ground. 

	Back to the center of the hall. They started again.

	"Begin!"

	And again.

	"Begin!"

	And again.

	"Begin!"

	Throughout the matches, Akane did not once come close to touching 
Ranma.  Sometimes the matches lasted longer than others, Ranma analysing 
Akane's technique, and sometimes incorporated a move she used against 
him. They fought very differently. Akane's style was based on strength 
and power, smashing and breaking, direct, forward and blunt. 

[Analysing should be analyzing.]

	Ranma's was more devious. His style was all speed and 
misdirection. There was a randomness to his actions; he would start on a 
pattern then change it mid-way. Misdirection, speed, agility-- water and 
air to Akane's earth and fire.

	Nabiki just clapped. "That was... amazing," she finally uttered.

	"You're really good," Akane admitted, her voice a mixture of 
respect (grudging), and frustration.

	Ranma looked distantly for a moment before answering. "You 
probably didn't have as good instructors as I did. Cologne (Shampoo's 
great gran'ma) an' my ol' man (even though he's an idiot) didn't go 
easy on me."

	"Are you saying my father went easy on me?" Akane said 
indignantly.

	For answer, Ranma just said, "Hit me. As hard as you can, hit me. 
I won't move."

	"Do you see anything wrong with that sentence?" Mouse asked.
	"No, I--oh," said Blue.
	"Where?" Red asked.  "I don't see anything."
	"It's what you don't see that's the problem," Mouse said 
mysteriously.  "He's missing an article."
	"So what item is he missing?"
	"Just an article."
	"Like what??"
	"No, really, an article is all he's missing!"
	"WHAT article?"
	"It's suposed to come before a noun."
	"Oh, you mean it's a word."
	"Yes.  More specifically, it's an article."
	"Isn't that being less specific?"
	"No, it isn't."
	"Really?"  Red said sarcastically.  "Sounds like you're just saying 
he's missing some _thing_ instead of some word."
	"No," Mouse replied, "not at all.  He's missing an indefinite 
article.  It should be right after 'For'."
	Red just blinked at him, totally confused.  Blue snickered, and 
continued his monologue...

	Akane took him up on his offer, and he went flying into the wall 
with a satisfying crunch. Ranma picked himself up and non-chalantly 
dusted himself off.

	"Feh. I won't even bruise from that. From some of the old ghoul's 
training."

	"Old Ghoul?" asked Nabiki, who was not quite as stupefied as Akane 
by Ranma's lack of a reaction.

	"Ghoul and the Gang?" asked Mouse.  Blue frowned at him curiously, 
but continued speaking.

	"Cologne. It's only at half strength though, since both bodies 
didn't do it, and I didn't do it when I was one."

	"I don't understand," said Nabiki, a little confused. 

	"I'll explain it later," said Ranma as he walked out of the dojo.

Outside, on the porch:

	"Ranma, would you like to wash up?" asked Kasumi. "You must be all 
sweaty from your workout."

	Ranma looked up from koi pond which was the focus of his gaze. 
"Sweaty? Not from the workout, but yeah, I could use a wash, I guess."

	Mouse blinked uncomprehendingly at the teenagers.  "Then what were 
you sweaty from?"
	Blue Ranma paused.  "Y'know, I'm not real sure why I said that.  
Maybe you should ask my author."
	Mouse nodded.  "Go ahead."

	Famous last words.

Inside, in the bath:

	"What do you think, Akane? He's handsome *and* a great martial 
artist. Then there's that condition of his!" Nabiki enthused. "But what 
about that Shampoo girl?" Nabiki said, her face somewhere between a pout 
and a thoughtful frown.

	"Shampoo and conditioning always go together anyway," snickered 
Mouse.
	Both Ranmas glared at him.
	"Well, I thought it was funny..."

	"Yeah, whatever." Akane was still sulking from the ease which 
Ranma dealt with her.

	Akane and Nabiki should have probably told Kasumi they were going 
to use the bath before she told Ranma, and they should also probably 
have put an occupied sign on the door. They should have, but--

	Ranma entered the bathroom, quickly and efficiently disrobed, got 
two washstools, and dumped a bucket of cool water on himself.

	"So," said the first Ranma.

	"So," agreed the second Ranma, who appeared as the curse 
activated.

	"You know what we could do, of course."

	The other Ranma just snorted. "Of course. I know it just as well as 
you do. Why shouldn't I? Pops is sure to douse us with hot water, just to 
make sure we haven't split up and're really on our way back. He's done it 
before."

	The Ranmas nodded in agreement as they finish washing up. 

	"Nabiki, did you hear anything?" asked Akane.

	"Must be your imagination, Akane."

	"I could've sworn I heard--"

	Ranma took that moment to open the sliding door to the furo. All 
parties were surprised, to say the least. Three of the faces were 
shocked: Ranma, Ranma, and Akane. Nabiki, upon seeing the two Ranma's 
musculature, had on a slightly goofy-looking grin.
	Ranma quickly tied the towels they were carrying around their 
respective waists, before the two sisters could overcome their shock and 
get a good look at the family jewels. As the Ranmas were tying their 
towels, they slammed their eyes shut and backed away.
	The water around Akane, already hot, began to bubble and boil from 
the heat of her anger/shame/embarassment/desire (and not because of that
chili dog she ate earlier, regardless of what one might expect). We 
already know about Nabiki's reaction. Nabiki enjoyed the whole situation, 
not just for the view but for the humour of it too. Akane did not share 
her sister's opinion, to the inevitable harm of the offending male 
member... of the species, that is.

	"I'll kill him!" Akane shouted in righteous female wrath.

	"She has the hots for you, but she wants you dead?  Twisted girl, I 
think."  Mouse scribbled down the threat into his notebook, just in case.
	"Will you shut up and let us tell the rest of the story!?" the two 
Ranmas demanded.
	"Let me ask you a question first.  How did you find out what Akane 
and Nabiki were doing after you left?"
	Both teenagers looked suddenly sheepish.  "Uhm...we-ell..."
	"Well what?"
	"That is, uh...we, um..."
	"OUT WITH IT!" said Mouse angrily.
	"We sort of...read the script," they mumbled.
	"Oh," Mouse said.  "Well, why didn't you say so?  Nothing wrong 
with that."
	"Yeah, but what will Matthew Lewis think!?" they said in unison.
	"Look, don't worry about it," Mouse replied, grinning.  "You were 
rehearsing your lines, and you stumbled over Akane's and Nabiki's 
material."  Then he did a double-take.  "Yeesh.  Matthew must have PLANNED 
that, then!"
	Red and Blue paled to white.  "Hey--you're right!  WHAT A PERV!"
	Mouse tried to look consoling.  "Uh, remember when I said Lemon 
Sherbet was a mess?  We had a lot of trouble with animates trying to go 
after their authors for that one, for similar reasons.  This isn't anywhere 
near as bad."
	"Imagine that," Blue said with a saturnine smile.

	"And how are you going to do that?" Nabiki asked lazily. "We both 
know he's better than you, and how are you going to get out of here 
without him seeing you?
	"I'll tell you what, I'll look and see if he's there, and if he 
isn't then you can come out, okay?"

	Akane agreed. Nabiki poked her head out and noticed a distinct 
lack of males in the bathroom, so she gave Akane the okay signal. They 
dressed and headed to the living room where the rest of the family (and 
guests) were.

	"What the hell do you mean we're staying here, pops?" Ranma (only 
one of him around) thundered.

	Mouse grimaced at the distinct lack of scene break in the story.  
"'Tis a shame that Ranma and his father are not firmly placed in a scene, 
here.  Where are they?  In the living room, perhaps?"
	Blue Ranma scratched his head.  "You're right, I can't quite 
remember where that was..."

	"Boy, tomorrow you're enrolling in school, and when you get 
back... I've called your mother. She's coming." Genma knew he had his 
son outmanouvered.

	Ranma's face paled as the shock hit him. "My mother? You never 
told us about... I mean, I thought she was...." Ranma's face contorted 
in anger once more. "Okay, one day. I'll go to your school, and if she's 
not here when we get back, I'm heading back to China."

	"You thought she was dead, perhaps?" asked the Mouse.
	Both Ranmas nodded vigorously.
	"As did I.  Curiouser and curiouser."

	Ranma stalked off.

	Genma smiled.

	Soun joined his friend.

	Nabiki had a thoughtful look on her face.

	Akane was unsure of what to do.

	Kasumi co-opted Akane into helping clean the house, which 
consisted mainly of getting Akane out to buy groceries so that she 
didn't destroy anything in her attempts to play house.

	"What quaint phraseology," Mouse drolled.
	"What he said," the two Ranmas agreed.

Matthew "Maybeso" Lewis is:
Maybeso (or possibly Definitelyso)on IRC
Sojiro_Seta on Kawaiimuck
Member of:
FFML, FFIRCML, El Hazard ML
	maybeso@ican.net

	"And that is the end of your tale?" Mouse asked the two teenagers.  
Half an hour had passed during their conversation, and he was still 
intrigued.
	"Yeah, unfortunately," they both said.  "So what can you do?"
	The Mouse frowned in thought.  "I've got some charges to bring 
against Mr. Lewis, but I'm hoping that we can get the situation resolved 
quickly, without any messy complications."
	"Like what kind of complications?" breathed Red nervously.
	"Well, that's the problem, you see," Mouse continued.  "I can't 
_force_ him to finish his story, although I'll see if I can get a 
commitment to continue it out of him.  At least then you won't be left 
hanging for months on end, and that'll free you up for other story 
contracts if he drops the thing entirely."
	"Um," mumbled Blue.  "I suppose.  I mean, I kinda wanted to find 
out what was gonna happen."
	"Me too!" agreed Red.
	"We'll see," Mouse said noncommittally.  "In the meantime, I've got 
another call.  It seems there's some demand for a very old story by the 
name of 'FFML no Fanfic', written by one Erin Mills.  Unfortunately, it 
appears that he used most of his story ideas in something called the 
Revenge Wars, so he might not continue this piece."
	"What the hell are these Revenge Wars all about?"
	Mouse blanched an even paler shade of white than he already was.  
"You don't want to know, believe me.  Remember I mentioned the animates 
going after their authors?  Well...that's about all you need to know.  
Really."
	Both Ranmas eyed him suspiciously, but seemed to accept his say-so.  
"So, what's the deal with 'FFML no Fanfic', then?"
	"Not too much, apparently.  I doubt it'll be resurrected, but we'll 
find out.  But it's funny you should ask.  It looks like the authors and 
the animates are _both_ involved in this one together!"
	Red Ranma shuddered.  "That could get ugly."
	"No kidding," Mouse replied sarcastically.  "I just hope my 
dimensional stabilizer can take the heat."
	As if to make the point frighteningly obvious, the Mouse's remote 
control chose that moment to hiccup again.  This time, a vague image of a 
frog on a park bench materialized.  The frog was _SINGING_ something:  
"Hello my baby, hello my honey, hello my ragtime gal--"  And then it 
vanished again.
	Both Ranmas just gaped.  "What was THAT from!?"
	"Something American, I believe," deadpanned Mouse.  "Can't you 
tell?"
	They shuddered again, not saying a word.

	"Anyway..." the Mouse said, "I should be going.  Keep me informed 
of any further developments.  And...oh.  Here."  The Mouse pointed his 
remote at a convenient bench, and pressed a series of buttons.  A hazy 
patch of channel static appeared, and vanished as quickly as it came.  In 
its place was...a kettle of hot water.
	The teenagers grinned.  "Thanks, Mr...um..."
	"Bastard Taskmaster From Hell will do," the Mouse replied 
nonchalantly.  "BTFH for short."  When the two of them eyed him 
suspiciously, he continued, "It's my night job."
	"Eh, sure," they replied simultaneously.  "Whatever."
	The Mouse pointed his remote control in front of him, tracing the 
outline of a door.  Then he pressed two buttons:  STOP, and EJECT.  A 
ghostly doorway made of channel static appeared, leading into a white void 
beyond.
	The Mouse calmly stepped through, "Another job well done," and 
vanished, headed to parts unknown.

				---------------

Comments to myself or to Mr. Lewis would be appreciated. ^_^