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ANIME DEATH MATCH
Inspired by MTV's Celebrity Death Match.
WARNING: Gratuitous Language and Extreme Violence will be depicted.
Don't watch if it makes you queasy.
===================================
[Scene: Two people sitting in a titanium tower overlooking a
ring. Thousands of fans are cheering or booing. The roar is continous,
though. We look to the two in the tower.]
?????: Welcome to Anime Death Match. I'm ????? Diamond.
A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels. ?????, tonight's Anime Death Match
promises to be a big one. Gendo Ikari vs. Genma Saotome for the "Worst
Father in the Universe" title, Naga the White Serpent vs. Jinnai
Katsuhiko for the "Most Hideously Annoying Laugh Ever" title, and
TharzZzDunN vs. Keener in the "Barbecue Cook Off" of the season!
?????: And don't forget our title match, Megazone vs. Gryphon!
A-kun: The audience doesn't know the stories behind these battles, so
let's fill them in. During a party last Thanksgiving, Gendo and Genma
got too much to drink and got into an argument over which of them was
the worst father. It turned into a fight and well, both have been
wanting a piece of each other since.
?????: Naga and Jinnai were both going to an audition for a part that
was open for both genders (don't ask why). Naga won, and now Jinnai's
itching for some payback.
A-kun: And for the longest time, TharzZzDunN has wanted a piece of
Keener to find out which of them was, as TharzZzy said
"Insanerereerererererrdingly".
?????: As for Megazone and Gryphon, we thought it'd be damn funny if
they fought.
A-kun: I've just gotten word that the weigh-ins are taking longer than
expected, so let's review our first combatants.
Genma Saotome:
- Fatter than Rush Limbaugh
- Total Heartless Bastard
- Nothing definable between his ears
- Couldn't attract a woman if he was covered in three billion yen bills.
- Got Nodoka by smacking her over the head with a club and dragging her
into his cave.... er, I mean car.
- Sold his only son over 25,234,634.6 times according to the latest
readouts.
- Owns stock in Microsoft.
- Indirectly responsible for Barney and the Domino Noid.
?????: Man, that man is a TOTAL _BASTARD_.
Dark Schneider: HEY!
?????: Now, let's see the OTHER bastard.
Gendo Ikari:
- Skinnier than Rush Limbaugh
- Total Heartless Bastard
- Nothing definable between his ears or on the left side of his chest
- Can't attract women who aren't suicidal workoholics
- Got Yui by smacking her over the head with a club and dragging her
into his cave.... er, I mean Eva, er, I mean jet.
- Is on the board of directors for Microsoft.
- Even his own clones want him dead.
A-kun: Another bastard. Man, the Anime world's full of 'em.
?????: [hearing something] What's that noise?
Rei I, Rei II, Rei IV and Rei V: [chanting while holding juzu beads]
Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die!
Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die!
Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die!
Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die! Die, Gendo, Die!
Ranma, Nodoka, Nabiki, Kasumi and Happosai: [chanting while wearing monk
outfits] Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die,
Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die,
Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die,
Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die,
Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die, Genma, Die! Die,
Genma, Die!
?????: Looks like Special Referee Ryoji Kaji is going to explain the
rules to both of the combatants.
========
[Scene: The ring.]
Special Referee Ryoji Kaji: [as both combatants near the center of the
ring] Okay, I don't wanna see any other clones, I don't wanna see any
Evangelions and I ESPECIALLY don't wanna see you running to your sons
for help. Now, LET'S GET IT ON!! [cowers in a neutral corner while UN
snipers aim at him]
[Genma lunges forward and grabs Gendo into a bear-hug, hoping to
crush Gendo to death. Gendo slips up and out of the bear-hug and bites
Genma's shoulder.]
Genma: OOOOOOOOWWWW!!!
A-kun's VO: An incredible move by Gendo.
?????'s VO: Yes, like most snakes, Gendo is slippery and difficult to
keep a firm grip on.
[Genma winds up and socks Gendo across the arena.]
Gendo: You'll pay for that!
Genma: Bite me! Oh, wait, you already did. Then, BITE OFF! No, don't
want that either...
[Gendo lunges at Genma, who splashes himself with cold water.
Genma-Panda grabs Gendo, smacks him a few times and bites him on the
forearm.]
Gendo: OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW!!!!
[Gendo breaks free, and powers up. Suddenly, his hair turns
blond.]
A-kun's VO: HEY! That's the Super Saiyan form!
?????'s VO: Genma is in SERIOUS trouble!
[Suddenly, the ring detonates and incinerates everyone within.
Except for Kaji as he let's his evil twin take his place again, just
like in the series.]
A-kun and ?????'s VO: WHAT THE HELL?!
A-kun's VO: LOOK! IT'S THE ENTIRE RANMA 1/2 CAST AND NEON GENESIS
EVAGELION CAST!!
?????'s VO: THEY MUST'VE DETONATED THE RING, KILLING EVERYONE ON IT!
GOOD JOB!
=======
[Scene: The Tower, both authors have just finished dancing a
fine Irish jig.] {Saint's and begorrah, to be sure that's a fine whaling
ship but to be sure that's no barn. :;-P> TharzZzDunN Knight of the Jig}
A-kun: Now, let's examine the next combatants.
?????: No time, they're getting into the ring.
A-kun: Damn.
=======
[Scene: The (now reconstructed) ring.]
Referee Setsuna: [stuffing giant wads of cotton into her ears as both
combatants near the center] Okay, I don't wanna see any long winded
speeches about how 'great' you are, I don't wanna see any assistance
from any of your 'friends' and keep the damn laughing to a minimum.
Now, LET'S GET IT ON! [backs into a neutral corner and puts two more
pillows over her ears]
Jinnai: So, wench, you think you can defeat the GREAT and ALL-POWERFUL
Jinnai Katsuhiko a second time?
HOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHO
HAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHOHAHO
Naga: OHOOOHOOHOOOHOHOHOOHOOOHOHOOO! What a joke! Like _you_ could beat
someone as beautiful as myself!
OHOOOOHOHOHOHOOOHOHOHOHOOOOHOOHOHOOOHOOHOO
HOHOHOHOOOHOOOHOHOHOOHOHOHOOHOHOHOOOHOOOHOHOHOHOOOHOHOOOHOOHOHOHOHOHOHOOHO
HOOOHOHOHOHOOOHOHOHO!
A-kun's VO: ARRRRRGHH!! WHY THE HELL ISN'T LINA INVERSE OR MAKOTO
MIZUHARA DOING SOMETHING?!
?????'s VO: LINA'S DRUNK AND MAKOTO'S MAKING OUT WITH THE ENTIRE FEMALE
CAST OF EL HAZARD!
[Suddenly, Naga and Jinnai clutch their stomachs.]
Jinnai: Those..... idiot.... bugrom...... I.... told them.... not
to..... poison.... MY food..........
Kodachi: OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!!! You posers are pathetic.
It's MY poisons that'll kill you. You're pathetic bugrom were no match
for the Black Rose of Saint Hebereke!
OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!
[Jinnai dies. {In a magnificent burst of energy, which
mysteriously enough, makes everyone like mimes. - Water-Spider
TharzZzDunN} Naga, however, since she knew a little white magic, manages
to cure herself, though she remains a bit nauseous.]
Naga: No one tries to poison me and gets away with it! *URP* I
challenge you to a *URP* cage match! Oh, I think I'm gonna puke...
[Naga races out of the arena]
A-kun's VO: Wow! What a turn of events! Naga and Kodachi in a cage
match to the death!
?????'s VO: Maybe it'll be even better when we actually get around to
it.
=======
[Scene: The Tower. Both Authors have finished building a ship
in a coke bottle. The ship is manned by Sea Monkeys. Currently, the
tiny ship has hit an iceberg and is slowly sinking.]
A-kun: I _told_ you that if we were going to name our ship the
"Titanic", we should put more lifeboats on it!
?????: But if we did that, we'd never get the pool in! Besides, we were
millions over our two dollar budget as it was!
A-kun: It's your fault, ?????! Because you wanted to put a stupid pool
in, thousands of sea monkeys'll die on this voyage! Not to mention all
our money had been wasted because of it!
?????: A-kun, they're sea monkeys.
A-kun: You're right. Let's not fight. But, I still can't bear to watch
them all die in such a meaningless way. {The "Love Theme from
Flashdance" from the Flashdance soundtrack, you thought I'd put "My
Heart Will Go On" by Celine Dion, didn't ya?! DIDN'T YA!?!? -
Fire-Weasel TharzZzDunN} [tosses bottle over his shoulder where it hits
and breaks on CATS's head. CATS collapses.] There, now they've died
honorably.
?????: Anyway, our next match is starting.
=======
[Scene: The ring.]
Special Referee Ami Mizuno: Okay, you two, no 'Rabid fizz-butt Bugle Boy
turkey'ing, no melting into a pool of butter or anything else, Keener,
no mokonators and TharzZzDunN, keep THAT in your pants. [sees
TharzZzDunN look down and kick a pebble through the multiverse] I'm
serious, TharzZzDunN, I don't wanna see your toaster at ALL. Now, LET'S
GET IT ON! [Ami leaps into the rafters followed by the sound of Million
Dollar Man activating his bionics]
[TharzZzDunN eyes TharzZzDunN eyes TharzZzDunN eyes Keener eyes
a Playboy eyes TharzZzDunN, who screams and starts cooking. Keener
starts cooking too. And the battle RAGES!]
A-kun's VO: Knowing TharzZzy and mildly knowing Keener, this'll take a
while. So, we'll be showing the main event now.
?????'s VO: So, let's shift scenes.
[Scene: The other ring. Megazone and Gryphon are busy playing a
vicious game of Tiddely-Winks. And the battle RAGES!!!]
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
A-kun's VO: This sucks.
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
?????'s VO: Yeah, they were all riled up before.
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
A-kun's VO: Hey, wait a minute. I know how to get this fight going.
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
Gryphon's Synthesized Voice: Megazone's got a big butt, Megazone's got a
big butt!
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
Megazone's Synthesized Voice: Gryphon can't write worth crap, Gryphon
can't write worth crap!
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
[Both Gryphon and Megazone lunge at each other. Suddenly, Kei
and Yuri leap into the ring and drag both away from their struggle.]
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
Kei: It's not your real voices! It's THEIRS!
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
[Everyone turns to see Largo and Quincy holding the Voice
Synthesizers that A-kun and ????? shoved into their hands a few seconds
ago. None of the combatants care. They leap at both the GENOM
executive and the poser.]
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
A-kun's VO: Now, THIS is what I call funny as all hell.
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
?????'s VO: Ooooooh! I don't think even an ANDROID'S arm is supposed to
go THAT far up it's-
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
A-kun's VO: YEOW! Look at what Kei's doing to Quincy with his own false
leg!
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking. Back to the
action.]
Quincy and Largo:
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*THUD* [both the poser and the pimp die.]
[Scene: TharzZzDunN and Keener are still cooking.]
TharzZzDunN and Keener: DONE!
Ami: [tasting TharzZzDunN's ribs] MMMM! Good stuff! [TharzZzDunN
beams at a 747, causing it to fire at a duck, which caused the duck to
do a driveby shooting. Ami tastes Keener's hamburgers] MMMM! Good
stuff! It's a TIE!
[Everyone facefaults.]
============================================================================
[Scene: The tower.]
?????: Indeed, A-kun. I'm ????? Diamond.
A-kun: And I'm A-kun Daniels, saying "Good Fight"-
?????: And "Good Night"!
============================================================================
Well, this is the first episode of Anime Death Match.
Send all Comments and Criticism to:
akun16@hotmail.com
No Flames.
Flames will be deleted without being read.
A-kun:
Ex-Flamer, now reformed
Worshipper of Ukyou Kuonji
Novice Paladin at the Church of the One True Ucchan
Drooling fanboy of Makoto Kino, Mai Shiranui, Linna Yamazaki,
Priss Asagari, Sylia Stingray, Tifa Lockheart, Nene Romanova, Kasumi
Tendo, Nodoka Saotome, Ifurita (OVA), and Ami Mizuno
?????:
Worshipper of Nabiki Tendo
Moderator for combat
And often takes up this expression: O_o
Or this one: o_O
Or this one: O_O
Or this one: X_X
Or sometimes even this: XP-|-<
TharzZzDunN:
No reliable information available, but we have some interesting
rumors
Rumor 1 - Really David Letterman.
Rumor 2 - Really REALLY David Letterman.
Rumor 3 - Licks Chickens.
Rumor 4 - Just Kidding.
Rumor 5 - Was Nabiki Tendo's plush toy Evangelion-Ryo-ohki.
Rumor 6 - Got lost for thirty years in the mountains of Kansas.
Rumor 7 - Was crowned Queen of Georgia.
Rumor 8 - Rumor 7 isn't a rumor.
Rumor 9 - Rumor 8 isn't a joke.
Rumor 10 - No, really, Rumor _9_ is true.
Rumor 11 - Was once caught in a bathtub having an affair with a
new squeak toy.
Rumor 12 - Found the 'Ark of the Covenant', traded it for some
shiny nukes.
Rumor 13 - There is no rumor 13, it's his lucky number :p
Beedah!
Rumor 14 - Here's one for the gipper!
Parlor 15....uh-oh! He's infected your computer! Quick, burn
it to death, then bury the ashes in a ball of Daka and seal it into a
Protoculture Plant!
Rumor 1.6 - Thinks Keener lacks imagination and string cheese.
"You haven't got the spray canisters to take me on, Keener! You can't
handle MY special chili sauce LCL! Hugs and Kisses - TharzZzy"
Rumor 17 - Likes giving 'Special' massages to
Rumor 18 - Rumor 17 almost got us sued.
Rumor 19 - Taking on cheese is a gouda way to get your butt
kicked.
Rumor 20 - That's just bad pun-ishment, A-kun.
Rumor 21 - We've secretly replaced The Eye of God with A-chan's
Porno collection on fire. Let's see if the people of El Hazard
notice.... Nah, they're not that smart. *TWHAMGF*
Rumor 22 - There is no Rumor 22. It's TharzZzy's unlucky
number.
Rumor 23 - We've also secretly replaced Shinji Ikari's LCL with
Folger's Crystals. Let's watch to see if he notices the difference....
"AAACCKK!! PHTOOOO! ACCKK! MISATO! ASUKA! REI! RITSUKO! SOMEONE'S
TRYING TO KILL ME BY MAKING ME DRINK LUKE WARM COFFEE!! With those cute
little marshmallows......Uh-oh.....Um, Misato, I gotta ask, are these
plug-suits equipped with an internal catheter?"
Rumor 24 - Voice Actor for Belldandy.
Rumor 0 - Made out of paper mache.
Rumor 00 - Damn, someone renumbered these wrong!
Until next time!
P.S. Got a grudge? Wanna settle it? Send in YOUR challenge to us at
akun15@hotmail.com
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