What is this feeling?

        Why does it make me feel so strange?

        Eva....

        It is what I pilot.  But, it scares me.

        Misato....

        Sometimes she's my best friend.  Other times, she acts just like 
everyone else.

        Kaji....

        He's the sort of guy that I thought I liked.  He was so sincere 
and actually cared.  Not like my foster parents.  Of course, I have to 
say that I don't think I honestly gave them a chance to get close to me.

        Ritsuko....

        I've seen her softer side.  But, she keeps it under heavy 
shielding.  I'm not sure even a Prog Knife could get through without 
snapping a few times.

        Gendo....

        Bastard.  Cold and simple.  Cares more about Wonder Girl than me 
or Shinji.

        Maya, Makoto and Shigeru.....

        They're not that bad.  They can be pretty nice.  But, like me, 
they have a 'Down to Business' side too.

        Touji and Kensuke....

        Bakas.  If they weren't boys or perverts, I might like them.

        Hikari.....

        She's a little dense at times, especially when you bring up 
Touji, but she's a good friend to have.

        Rei.....

        Wonder Girl.  I've seen her cold as ice act thousands of times, 
but when Shinji's in danger, her face comes alive.  It's as if the only 
way for someone to get her to express her emotions is for someone to 
become endangered.

        Shinji....

        I'd like to say that he's pervert, but I know that to be a lie 
too well.  This strange feeling hits me everytime I think about him.  Oh 
sure, I make fun of him and I yell at him, but that's because I don't 
know what else to do.

        Poppa.....

        God, I hate him.  I watched him practically screw other women 
right in front of momma.  He'd claim that it was to 'help relieve the 
tension at work'.  But I knew better, even back then.  That bastard was 
flaunting himself all over.  Then, when my mother wouldn't stand up to 
him, even after he slapped her with divorce papers, he just spat in her 
face and left.

        Momma.....

        I have to ask myself if I really resent her.  She had such 
reliance on my father to provide things.  I know she was a scientist 
herself, but she gave that up to raise me.  I knew Poppa beat her when 
he'd get drunk.  Soon, her life was annihilated down to two things.  
Poppa and me.  She started to hallucinate, so the medics took her away.  
Then, it seemed as though she was getting better.  Then I got picked for 
Eva piloting.  I thought that the news alone might help her open up to 
everyone again.  I ran home.  And I saw her hanging from the ceiling.

        What would you do?

        I guess the doll had done something to Momma.  From that day on, 
I hated dolls.  After all, they had killed my momma.  I vowed I'd never 
become a doll.  I'd be a human being, not a human waiting.  I guess 
that's why I hate Rei so much.  No, I don't hate her.  I hate lifeless 
dolls for what they took from me.  The Rei I know isn't a doll.  She's a 
human being as well.  She has thoughts, does things.  She's just 
reserved.

        When Misato told me what she had seen, I pitied Rei more.  Can 
you imagine how hard it is?  Knowing that it doesn't matter if you live 
or die, you'll just be replaced?  That YOU have no actual value.

        Just like my Sync ratio....  Zero, nil, nada.  Nothing.

        Like me.

        I guess the one anchor that I've had since childhood is finally 
gone.  And it was a strong one.  Except for minor sentimental ties, 
there's nothing to hold me down.

        Shinji....

        Shinji's a god now.

        Rei died and was reborn.

        Kaji's dead.

        Kaoru was an Angel.

        He stole my Eva.

        Kaoru stole everything.

        The Angels took everything.

        They'll take everything again and again and again.

        No.

        No more.

        They'll take nothing more.

        Not me.  Not Shinji.  Not the new Rei.  Not Misato.  Not 
Ritsuko.  Not Gendo.  Not Fuyutsuki.  Not Maya.  Not Makoto.  Not 
Shigeru.  Not Hikari.  Not Kensuke.  Not Touji.  Not Touji's sister, 
Mari.

        They'll take nothing more.

-------------------------

        "Misato, it's incredible!" Shinji said.
        "What is?" Misato asked.
        "Asuka!  She's recovering!" Shinji said.
        Misato blinked.
        "What?!" Misato asked.
        "The doctors say she's making a full recovery!  Come on!" Shinji 
said, pulling Misato with him.
        Misato and Shinji hurried into the room as Asuka pulled herself 
out of bed.  Her sunken flesh wasn't as sunken as it used to be.  Her 
eyes were lit with a stronger fire than they had been before.
        "Asuka!" Shinji said.
        "Shinji.  You came." Asuka said, smiling tiredly.
        "Yes, I did." Shinji said, blushing.
        "Are you okay, Asuka?" Misato asked.
        "Yes, Misato, I am.  AND I'M READY TO KICK SOME ANGEL BUTT!" 
Asuka said.
        Shinji and Misato blinked in surprise, then smiled.  Asuka was 
almost back to her usual self.  She'd be a bit darker and probably a lot 
more violent towards the Angels, but she was back.  That's all they 
cared about.
        "Group hug!" Misato said, pulling Shinji and Asuka into a hug.

==================================================================================

        I had to write this.  I'm sorry, Asuka just seems to be cheated 
in life and I can't let that happen to anyone.  Not even Gendo deserves 
a childhood like that.

        Speaking from the soul doesn't come naturally,
        because the soul does not need to speak.
        But when you know what it's saying, say what it says
        and don't be ashamed.  Speaking from the soul doesn't mean 
you're weak.

        Some lame poetry that I made up.  Yeah, I'm bad at it, but who 
cares.  It's the message that it carries.

        I'll be continuing this series more.
        A-kun, out.
        Replies to: akun15@hotmail.com

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