Aah, another long-dormant series finally gets some well-deserved
life breathed into it!

I can't say why, but I really like this series, despite the fact
that most of the characters show very little resemblance to
their "true selves". Maybe I'm just a sucker for
semi-beliavable soaps and romantic stuff - at any rate, I really
hope episode six won't be as long in the making as this one ...
and that things won't clear up for a while yet.

As usual, the prose isn't all that great; beyond the technicalities
below, one of my main complaints is that you really should try to
connect sentences somewhat more. Commas, semicolons, words like
"and" and "then"... they exist for a reason; when you limit yourself
to only one action per sentence almost constantly, it doesn't,
uh, feel good (no, I'm no good at explaining).

You could also gain a lot by giving some more thought to your
tenses; there are numerous errors.

Shampoo was the last person left in the room.  It took her some considerable
time to rewrite her notes and figure out most of what had happened in class.

Rewriting her notes and figuring out most of what had happened in class
took her some considerable time.

As far as she could decipher from all that she had hastily written on her

"as far as she could decipher" doesn't quite sound good, IMO.

yellow pad, she was definitely dealing with something about Math.  The
numbers and letters proved that to her, but, most of the relations that she
was supposed to resolve were missing, especially from her head.  At least,
that was what she stubbornly had been trying to do during the past whole

Um. "They were missing. She'd been trying to do that." interprets to
"She'd been trying to do (they were missing)", ie, it doesn't really
interpret at all since it's wrong. There's nothing she's been trying
that "that" can refer to.

period.  "Bah!  Math is so boring.  Ranma had better help me later," She

later."

picked up her notebooks and headed out the door, "or Ucchan."

door. "Or

The hallway was crowded.  Shampoo headed towards the stairwell.  She walked
past several groups of seniors that were eyeing her.  She didn't pay much

Try "Shampoo headed through the crowded hallway towards the stairwell,
walking past several groups of seniors eyeing her.

attention though, as she was used to the constant stares and glances of

attention, though,

attention.  This was a constant problem whenever and wherever she went.  She

Try using some other word than attention here.

however always blamed it to her hair.  It had a purple and bluish hue that

However, she always blamed it on her hair.

always stood out in any crowd.  Would she act differently if she realized

That would stand out it any crowd.

Even though the sea of students was moving towards the cafeteria, Shampoo

What's wrong with "moved"?

knew she wouldn't find her friends there.  "Dumb Ucchan." She walked out of
the school building and entered the schoolyard.  She looked at her left
towards the gymnasium and it was filled with student activity. None looked

schoolyard, looking at her (...) gymnasium, finding it filled with

familiar.  She looked towards the right, but the benches were empty.  She
sighed, regretting her decision to stay behind in the classroom.  She walked
across the field towards a huge tree in one corner.  Someone was there.  It
was a girl and was waving at her.  She immediately recognized the girl.
"Akane!  Fancy meeting you here.  Can Shampoo join you?"

"She did that. She did this. She did so." Try to get some variety into
your sentences...

"I usually stay here, whenever I have the time to kill.  And," Akane stared
away, "whenever I want to be alone.  You know what I mean?"

Want to be alone? And I here I was thinking she'd want to be
with a certain pig-tailed youngster. ^_^

Shampoo felt the wind picking up, the cold breeze whistling past her cheeks.
She breathed deeply, enjoying the soothing air.  "Ah, I think I know.  This

cheeks, and she

is a wonderful place to be alone, Akane.  It's quite peaceful, yet," She

she

leaned back on the tree, "shady."  A smirk on her face made Akane laugh.
Shampoo truly laughed with her friend this time.

You know, people in this series have a tendency to laugh and giggle
a wee bit much. I mean, sure, but really, there's a limit to it, and I
do think you've exceeded that - try to have at least *some*
motivation.

Kasumi Tendo walked past several students as she sat down on her desk.  She
looked somewhat excited already that morning, as she eagerly flipped the
power switch that turned her computer into life.  While waiting she casually
unpacked her bag.  Her books stacked up neatly on one corner, while the
cookies she had baked earlier that day went straight to the cookie jar that
sat proudly on the other end.  Proudly, one would ask when this was a large

Huh? Ask?

"Say, Kasumi-chan, are these cookies yours?"  Daisuke humbly asked as he
reached Kasumi's desk first.  A moment later, every staff member of the
Furinkan High's School Paper had gathered around Kasumi.  "Oh, cashew this
time, eh?"  Daisuke helped himself with a couple before thanking Kasumi.

to (helped himself to)

"I'm glad you like them, Daisuke.  Just remember to pay for them, alright."
Kasumi jested with an accompanying grin, everyone else giggled seeing the
startled reaction from Daisuke.  "Oh, you know I was only kidding."

grin, and everyone else giggled, seeing Daisuke's startled reaction.

"Kasumi-chan, when do you think we'll ever taste your wonderful brownies
again?"  One of the youngest journalism student asked as she finished with
one of the cookies that was handed to her.

scratch "with"

"I probably have time to bake some for tomorrow.  But, don't you think it's
time that you sweeties make the snacks around here?"  Kasumi smiled as she
saw that her computer was ready for her.  "Besides, Its been a while since

it's

we tasted some of those wonderful ginger-bread men of yours."  Kasumi looked

Yeah! Gingerbread cookies are great! More gingerbread cookies to the
people! Especially ME! Gingerbread cookies are part of a full and
healthy diet! ^_^

"How adorable children."  Kasumi quickly went back to her work.  Her hand
guided her flower shaped pointer towards a feature story she's been working

Sounds a bit overmothering, even from Kasumi, considering she's only
two years older than them or so, and if you intend for her to use
"children" somewhat sarcastically then that *certainly* does not fit.

work, a hand guiding her

"Sorry!  Really I am."  Ryoga closed his eyes, as his body still hovered
awkwardly above Ukyou's.  He was expecting a slap on his cheek, an
appropriate response for what he had done.  Instead, he found himself being

done, but instead, he

"Can I get up now?"  That irked her a bit, but realizing where they really
where, she conceded.   Both took turns dusting each other off.  Ryoga

where they really were, she conceeded

apologized, but he didn't really have to.  Ukyou knew better than to be

but didn't

"I'm sorry too.  I shouldn't have done that."  Ukyou took Ryoga's hand and
both smiled to each other.  Both didn't hear the footsteps approaching.

other, neither of them hearing
You can't say "both didn't"; it's "neither did".

"Are you two finished?"  Ukyou startlingly turned around, Ryoga hastily

Ukyou turned around startingly

"Glad to meet you."  Nabiki extended a hand, but retracted as soon a she saw

as soon as

"Gee.  If you really wanted to get a date with my sister..." Ranma's head
snapped and turned towards her. Nabiki was startled.  She knew she can be

she could be

too childish for his own good.  He had to stop being regretful.  He has more
chances. He hoped.

regretful; there'd be other chances.

"Sure," Nabiki turned to the other two, "Ukyou, how about that interview?"

"Sure." Nabiki (...) two. "Ukyou

He was getting tired of clearing the dust off his eyes.  But there was

eyes, but

Mousse was not amused. He was familiar to Shinosuke�s dashing and
gentlemanly methods of charming a girl.  At times he was even sick and tired
of it.  Shinosuke wasn�t a bad person, but sometimes he uses his strengths

At time, he even felt sick and tired of it. (...) used

in so many wrong ways. Even if the intentions were good, the ways wasn�t

weren't

justifiable. Mousse could never see Shinosuke�s logic in using a girl the
way his friend does.

did.

Too impressed to say anything, and a bit teary eyed from Shinosuke�s sad

teary-eyed

story, Kodachi could only point to the nearby classroom.

IMO, "to a nearby classroom."

�Kuno, Kodachi Kuno.�  Mariko knew she was in trouble when her friend
started backtracking, and slipping as Kodachi felt weak in the knees.

backtracking and

Shinosuke, on the other hand, quickly turned to his companion.  �Eureka!
She�s here after all.  Let�s go Mousse.�

go, Mousse

Mariko desperately hanged on to her fainted friend, oddly staring at the two

try "desperaty clung to her" (...) staring oddly at

"Shall I knock?"  Nodoka asked, shamefully Genma realized his mistake.  His

asked, and Genam shamefully realized

fist knocked once on the wooden gates, then he rapped three successive
knocks before stopping.  He seemed focused, Nodoka figured as she kept her
stare at her husband.  She mentally counted the years the two friends had

figured, as she kept staring at

What?..."  Genma looked at Soun, and then to his wife.  Nodoka answered
twenty.

answered, "Twenty."

"That's alright, Tendo."  Genma must have sensed it too, Soun thought.
"I've gotten over it.  What happened to us way back then."  Genma answered

it - what

"I did?"  Genma blinked a few times, before Nodoka slapped him on the
shoulder to snap him out of his trance.  "I...mean, I did!"

*rofl*

Nodoka answered immediately, "Yup, it looks like the Saotomes and the Tendos
would become one big family."  She happily smiled and so did her friend.

will become

Hikaru entered Dr. Tofu's clinic quite early and that made the kind hearted

early, and

"Nothing."  Tofu was a little disappointed, his tactics weren't working on
the spirited Gosunkugi.

a little disappointed at his tactics failure to work on the

Daisuke's face went sour.  "What favor?!  Are you talking about that girl
you kissed who you mistaken for..."  his mouth was promptly covered by a

mistook, I believe

"Hey, I have problems of my own at the Tendo dojo, ok.  Maybe I can get you

dojo, OK?

�I wonder where Ranma is?�  Shampoo and Akane was on the same hallway, about

were in

to walk past the two strangers of Furinkan High.  �He must have caught up
with Ucchan by now.�  Akane asked her why was Ranma chasing after Ukyou.
�Well, I...can�t actually say.  They only tell me nothing when it comes to

now." <paragraph break> (...) why Ranma was chasing (...) Ukyou. <p>

"They only tell me nothing" sounds more like something out of a
low-budget gangster flick (I can imagine it perfectly with an italian
accent) than a Shampooism. More like "They not tell me anything"

family matters, you know.�  That wasn�t actually the truth, but how could
she tell Akane that she was the reason herself.

Akane that she, herself, was the reason?

�Tell me.  If you don�t mind me asking.  How did you become part of his

asking, how

much later.�  Akane needed to write that bit of information, its hard enough
listening to Shampoo in the middle of a crowd of students in the hallway.

Uh?

�That voice?  That distinct laughter.  I know that girl?�  Mousse fixed his
glasses, they were slipping off his nose.  He could hardly make out the
source of the laughs as the corridor was filled with students.  He only had
to look farther ahead, though, to see the hazy violet shade on a girl�s hair
that was coming their way.  �No, it can�t be.�

Wai! A pleasant surprise! Hope something interesting springs outta' this...

Shampoo held a finger up to her lips.  �Sshh.  This is our little secret,
Akane.  I don�t want anyone else to know.  Or else...� She made a slitting
throat motion. Probably a joke on her part, Akane wondered.  �Anyway, Ukyou

You can't use "wonder" since it isn't a question; "Akane wondered if that
was a joke on her part," for example. Try just "thought" instead.

�Yes, very tragic story.�  Shampoo felt crying too, but she already shed

"Very tragic story?" *lol*

But she had already shed

�So who were those cute girls anyway?�  Shinosuke finally emerged from the
room when Shampoo and Akane finally disappeared around the corner.

finally-finally. Scratch the second one, IMO.

�You don�t want to know.�  Mousse walked in the other direction, away from
where the two women had gone too.

just "gone."

�You blind?  That was Akane Tendo she was with?�  Mousse noticed the shocked

with."

"Well, I certainly can't be a magician all my life...and besides, how would
I support a family on a magician's wage."  Hikaru said as he didn't stir
away from the book he was reading.  Tofu though was stunned for a moment.

Hikaru said, not stirring from the book

"By the way, Dr. Tofu, How much does is a magician's wage anyway?"

scratch "does" or change it to "how much does a magician earn"

Nabiki opened the door for everyone.  Inside, everyone that was sort of
working tried desperately to look busy.  Nabiki, though was busy herself,
entertaining her guest to bother with her staff.  "This is the Journalism

Doesn't quite sound right. Just go for the simpler "everyone not working"

Nabiki herself, though, was too busy entertaining

us this room for the rest of the staff."  Ranma and Ukyou was eagerly
looking around, embarrassed a bit by the numerous stares from the people

looked around eagerly

"Tatewaki sempai fetched for him, I think." The reply came from a boy

Tatewaki-sempai

But really, since you don't use any *other* jappisms (that I can
recall), why use "sempai"? Especially as you've been using
"senior" earlier.

Kasumi was hesitant in replying, knowing her sister very well.  "Um, why do
you ask, Nabiki.  I still have that feature to write up."

Nabiki? I

"Ranma?" Kasumi turned to the subject. Ranma could only raise his shoulders
in apparent innocence.  "I...have to..." Kasumi knew she had to stop being
so ...uneasy about Ranma, "can I have an interview, Ranma Saotome.  Of

Saotome?

course, I would hope you'd say yes."  Why? Why was she afraid of Ranma?  He

you say

was three years younger than her.  So what was the reason she

her, so

was...uncertain whenever Ranma was the subject of conversation.  She could

conversation?

"Trust me, Ranma.  You'll thank me later." Nabiki said in reply.

later," Nabiki

Interested?  Kasumi stared at Ranma's dossier, hiding inside the folder that

hidden

Shinosuke was thinking.  Hearing the cruelest story he had ever heard from
his friend was a lot to reflect on, especially since it happens to be true.

it happened to be

It happened to him.  He looked across the way, Mousse had been reflecting

way, where Mousse

"Kasumi?  Akane?  They must hate me right now?"  The questions kept flowing
out of his mouth, with little Shinosuke could do in answering them.

now.

Cologne was sweeping the rather large inner court of her new training

Cologne swept

school.  She was almost ready, with the final pieces almost in place and
little is left for her to finally start.  Her dreams are finally becoming

and little left for (...) Her dreams were

the last of the fallen foilage into a large pile.  "Tomorrow, I'd send

I'll

The wind suddenly picked up, a forceful breeze blew across the courtyard.

blowing

The pile of leaves scattered across the field much to Cologne's disgust, but

field, much


---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
        "So, they aren't extraterrestials?"
        "Nope, they're manga characters who've lost their hair."
        (the unexpected end of X-files)