A few spelling/grammar/punctuation points first...

for a perfect score.  It didn't look good; the transport was nearly 
ready for boarding.

Ah, the semicolon.  So rarely used in writing these day, yet you use it
well throughout the story.   Pardon me, I was just getting nostalgic...

accommodation-actually quite good, considering that just three days ago 

accommodation - actually

The primary irrtant was the lack of filter-masks--available in most 

irritant
masks - available   
You should probably be consistent with your dashes, whether 
you decide to use a single or a double.  

Someone had left a book there, one he was famliar with.  It was Volume 

familiar
Preposition at the end of a sentence there.  A very nitpicky rule - feel free
to ignore it.

he kept his senses focoused on the entranceway.

focused

Tatewaki Kuno, the leader--and only surviving member--of this particular 

The dashes again...

kill Ranma.  Damn him, he'd better.  Whoa! he thought.  Unwrap. Relax.  

Might want to use something to distinguish thoughts, like the "<" and ">"
symbols, since we don't have the benefit of italics in plain text.  A matter
of taste, but I find it makes for easier reading.

professional monitored all movement and conditions around him.

A professional what?

interesting than being there.  He'd visited the plante years ago, 

planet

tourists visited the world that refused to be terraformed.  Nothing--not 
the atmosphere, not the soil, nothing--did what it was supposed to do on 

Once again, the dashes.  I'm going to stop pointing them out now.  You 
just need to use spaces on the ones that aren't hyphens.

a target, hoping to be attacked.  So far it had been a waste of Time.  

Why the capital "T" in time?  You're in a SF universe, so perhaps time 
is worshipped in some way... or maybe it was just a typo.  I kind of like
the worship idea.

In his professions, anonymity was sometimes the only safety.  Younger 

Did you mean to make that plural?  Does Ranma have multiple professions?

"I was not." Though dealing with the likes of Nabiki....he said to 
himself.

Again, you might want to consider the thought brackets.  And (here's a
real nit-pick) there are three periods in an ellipsis - like this:  "..."

recofnized the facial expression as reflexive; professional, from many 

recognized

decades of practice.  How m any decades?  He suddenly realized, looking 

many

at the ancient monk, that he'd never seen a human being as old the as 
Happosai nor the old ghoul.  The man's skin looked like yellow parchment 

You might want to make that "never seen another human being as old as 
Happosai or the old ghoul."   "Nor" is out of place, and the "another" would 
clarify the sentence.

Academy.  His former mentor pwould either laugh or explode in rage.  The 

"would"... or perhaps you meant to say "probably would"

"I've touched many lives, monk.  Not all of them had soulds."  Certainly 

souls

on them.  One poor sould volunteered to gas the moaning wretches and end 

soul
Looks like you have a tic in your touch-typing.  I have a few myself.

man now, and they both knew it.  The sleek haird Kendoist turned and 

sleek-haired

hands, and then the knife blade, on Kuno's tunic.  He would definitely 
had that bath aboard the transport.  Ranma stood and kicked the dying 

have that bath

body away.  The former prize-fight champion of elevel worlds gave a 

eleven

A peacekeeper arrived and spent ten minutes with him.  When the poper 

proper

culr looked forward to death.   They called it Claiming the Inheritance.

cult

A few minutes he closed the book and drefted into a contented sleep.

drifted



I think there were a few more grammar/spelling/punctuation things that I
missed.  It was a bit rough around the edges.

Okay, now about content:

I thought that it was a well-written story.  The universe in which it takes place
was compelling enough that I'd like to know more about it.  I enjoyed a lot
of the descriptive writing and thought that you demonstrated a good knack
for turning a phrase.  It is a promising first chapter.

My main question is this:  why is this a Ranma story?  I think that it would
be just as strong, if not stronger, if you simply assigned your own names to
the characters.  It's entirely possible to take Ranma and write him in a whole
new setting (like "Ruler of the Raging Main," for instance), but I'm not sure
if you actually need to be using Ranma and company for your story to work.

I know that part of the fun with alternate universe stories is to paint the 
characters we know in a different light, but I really think that the fanfic
angle works against your story here, rather than for it.  It's a matter of
degree.  The characters and situations are so far removed from the original
material that they don't seem to have much relation to each other.  

Mostly, I'm wondering if you're planning to draw some more parallels between
the source Ranma and company and your own characters.  If you are, you
might try including more similarities in your first chapter, so the reader can
get a hint as to how your alternate characters relate to the originals.  If not,
you might want to ditch the fanfic angle entirely and write the story with your
own original characters.  

Of course, that would probably mean your readership would be smaller.  
*shrug*  I expect I'll continue to read this one, even if you stick with the angle
you're using.

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless