"No. I won't attack a girl." Ranma's anger
was starting to rise as well as Akane's insult
replayed itself in his mind. {"In that respect I'm
more of a man than you could ever hope to be!" No!!! I can't do it.}
Ranma calmed himself then looked her in the eye and repeated, "I won't
attack you."

These prose are far too top-heavy. You don't need to connect what 
everyone is thinking in the same sentence. Don't use such contrived 
phrases, either.

Using such cumbersome prose makes discovering information a chore, and 
using cumbersome prose for detailing the obvious is even more tiresome. 
Always ask yourself: "Does this need to be here?" and "Can I make this 
any simpler?"

Even a pointless fic can be good if it's written properly, and if 
there's interesting things to learn.



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