A fine fic I guess ... but not much more. Being bored with a
project might be a *reason*, even a good one, but that does
not make it an *excuse*.

Then again, I guess it doesn't help that I've been too tired
lately to get full enjoyment out of it.

    "This boy is under the influence of drugs," he said
regretfully.  "It is the scourge of modern times," he added with
a shake of his head.

Hm. IMO, 'With a shake of his head, he added, "It' is better.

    Small sounds began to leak from between her teeth.  Her
vision narrowed, and her muscles tensed in frustration.  "Leggo,
you decrepit old piece of shit!"

Well, that was an ... interesting combination, compared to the
more usual "decrepit old fossil". ^_^

    "I ain't got time for you, kuso jiji!  I've gotta go save
Akane!" she screamed, trembling with frustration.  "And Nabiki,"
she added as an afterthought.

Actually ... the whole rescue thing seemed a bit too
desperate/serious for "...And Nabiki" to feel appropriate,
IMO. He *does* care a bit for her too, after all.

    Happousai flicked his hand contemptuously.  "Who cares
about them?" he snarled.  "They're only girls."  He smiled
unwholesomely, and brandished the lace bra.  "If you wear this
for me, I'll show you truly powerful techniques."

"Only girls"? From Happosai? ^_^

    In fact, one of the looked just like Akane in her cat form.
Well, nearly.

of the *cats*, I believe.

    The sound of yowling and memories of tearing claws receded
somewhat, and Ranma forced herself to face Happousai, taking a
defensive stance once again.
    The cats disappeared.

Huh? If they were illusionary cats, that could possibly be
made somewhat more clear, and if they weren't, well, I shouldn't
be thinking they might be. ^^

wriggled his face between her breasts.  Furiously she knocked

Furiously, she

him free and attacked again.  This time he flicked her away with

    "Why won't you wear this for me?" asked Happousai from the
middle of the street, his best innocent expression decorating
his face.  "It's such a small thing I ask."

You know ... just why the heck is Happosai this insisting all
of a sudden? IIRC, he hasn't even shown up previously in
Nekophobia (to plan, or something), and all of a sudden, here he
is, out for blood - whereas normally, he'd really be "discouraged"
(violently, true) pretty quickly.

Ranma attacked and missed but she managed to dodge the flip of
his pipe that would have sent her spinning into the nearby

"Ranma attacked and missed, but managed" ... "but" seems like
a strange choice here. Why should the dodgin and the attacking
be connected? Personally, I'd recommend just "Ranma attacked and
missed, dodging a flip of his pipe that would have" 

added in poor imitation of Shampoo's accent.  "Maybe I should go
and train someone with *real* promise, like that Ryouga boy."

Happosai? Calling Ryouga "real promise" even as a taunt? I mean,
come on, the guy has an extreme nosebleed reaction! ^_^

post.  Again she got up, and this time she was flung with
terrific force into the concrete wall she had started from.  Yet

"Again she got up, this time being flung with"

again she got up and was ready to charge again when she noticed

Scratch the second "again".

that for all his smirking demeanour and the lecherous glint in
his eyes, Happousai was looking somehow... disappointed.

"Happosai looked somehow..."'d do just as fine.

    'Oh, *shit*!' thought Ranma.  'How could I do something
so... *basic*!'  The rage dissolved, to be replaced by chagrin
and self-anger.  She fought to keep her expression neutral as
she screamed at herself in her mind, 'BASIC!  BASIC!!'

... Huh? <the tired reader feels totally lost>

    Adrenaline crashed through Ranma's system as she spun.  Her
mother and father stood there.  Nodoka wore a mischievous smile
on her face.

Again, huh? Where'd she come from?

    "I can't!  The old ghoul's kidnapped Akane!  And Nabiki.
I've gotta go rescue 'em!"  He leaped away in the direction of
the Nekohanten.

Err, actually, wouldn't Nodoka *know* this already?

    The windows of the Nekohanten were obscured by paper.  They
glowed dimly, unevenly from whatever lit the inside.  Ranma
stopped and looked around.

Try "Obscured by paper, the windows of the Nekohanten glowed
dimly".

or closed as was normal for them.  The occasional person walked
the street.

IMO, "Occasionally, someone walked down the street" sounds
better.

    "Where is she, Mousee?!" she asked, her eyes scanning for

Mousse

the others.  But in vain; other than the Chinese boy the inside

others - but

    Standing in front of her, a slight smile on her face, was
the old Chinese matriarch, Cologne.  Moving her head, she bumped
it against whatever she was tied to, and she quickly glanced

scratch "she". (and quickly glanced)

down at herself.  She was tied, spreadeagled, to a blue-painted
shipping pallet.  Briefly she tested her bonds, but the finger-

Briefly, she

    Akane's voice drew Nabiki's gaze to her left, where she saw
that Akane was now awake, peering in her direction.  Quickly
Nabiki glanced around and saw that Shampoo still perched on her

"perched" as a verb sounds kinda ... odd, IMO. "sat perched"?

She briefly conducted a reality check, pressing against the
rough wood to ensure she wasn't dreaming.  She shook her head

she did-she did, though I'm not sure what would be better.

    "RANMA!" shrieked Akane, shock in her voice.

Akane shrieked, IMO.

    A curious silence fell, an odd kind of intense quiet only
emphasised by the hissing of the stove.  The occasional sound of
cooling sheet metal cut across the silence like a rifleshot, but
otherwise all was still.  The background noise that had been
present earlier seemed to have gone away, and now there was only
the hissing of the stove to lend life to the tableau.

You know, as dramatic buildup this all kinda ... fails - nothing
is bloody happening! Feels a bit too slow-moving...

    Eventually the water was hot, and Mousse tipped some over
Ranma's head, careful to avoid her face.  Then, pulling some
rope from somewhere, Mousse carefully hog-tied the now-male

some rope from somewhere? Try "pulling a xyz of rope from
somewhere", where xyz is a whatever you count ropes in. ^_^

    For a long time nothing happened.  Nabiki had long since
ceased to feel her hands.  Occasionally she would worriedly flex
them, watching their movement, before relaxing again.

Ahum. What'd I just say? ^_^

    Nabiki turned away again and decided to try Akane's
suggestion.  She felt a little warmer afterwards, so maybe it
wasn't all nonsense.  A movement out of the corner of her eye
caught her attention.

IMO, "A movement..." on a separate paragraph.

you are so naiive that..."  Her voice trailed off as she shook

Double ii? Na�ve, possibly, but double ii?

    The real question was, what would the Chinese do if he
refused again?  At the moment, the three of them were completely
at the mercy of Cologne, and he doubted that the old bad would

old hag? old something else?

    Shampoo seemed to jump to life.  She hopped down off her
perch and, smiling, stepped over to Ranma , and pulled out a
knife.  Using it to cut his bonds, she then stepped back and
shucked off her dress and panties.

...

Really, a bit *too* sudden.

The imagine given is more ... silly, than anything else.

    Perhaps, then, the Neko-ken *was* in fact like other animal
moves and not mystical or founded in insanity as he had thought
before.  Perhaps, he thought with hope soaring up within his
heart, it was merely extremely difficult, and extreme measures
were required to force the trainee to access it... the pit of
cats forcing the trainee to develop the technique or die.  Maybe
the Neko-ken itself was a valid technique, and the fact that he
used it exclusively when driven out of his mind by cats simple a
case of association?

ARgh.

No.

Not "Ranma learns how to control the neko-ken".

Please. Don't.

*ESPECIALLY* not as a sudden thing suddenly pops out in a single
episode without even having been discussed before.

    If that was the case, then, he should be able to access the
Neko-ken without being prompted by cats.  At all times
previously, he had resorted to it from being frightened.  Scared
out of his wits, the Neko-ken the only escape from terrifying

IMO "his only"

stretch so to speak he had just about had enough.  "Yes, as a

stretch, so to speak, he

    Akane hugged him impulsively, kissing his cheek from
behind.  "That's a very nice thing to say, Ranma," she said
appreciatively.  Ranma made choking sounds until he finally
managed to get one hand up and pull Akane's arms from around his
neck.  They continued in silence, Akane laying her head against
Ranma's.

Hm. Actually, IMO, it feels a bit to soon to go back to
normal bickering already. You know, usually people have to
time calm down after the grand finale first. ^_-

    "Well well well, looks like Cologne outsmarted herself this
time," said Nabiki.  "Not only did she use *instant*
Nanniichuan, but it seems to have released the binding of
Shampoo's curse to Akane."  She chuckled nastily.  "I wonder how
much she'd pay to know that?"

Argh. Really, Dave, that was *really* bad. It kinda feels like
Akane's getting cured for free - as an afterthought.

    The dojo echoed to the grunts of exercise as Ranma led his
class through a series of basic forms.  Skill levels in the
class varied, but all were enthusiastic and, it would be fair to

enthusiastic, and, it

    Akane practiced the forms, concentrating on Ranma's advice
to her before the class began:  Concentrate on flow, precision,
and speed; power will take care of itself.

A bit too much concentration there, IMO.
"keeping in mind Ranma's advice"?

    Ranma had become much easier to deal with recently, she
mused.  Maybe it was because they had finally admitted their
love for each other.  Whatever the reason, she was feeling

other; whatever

    Ukyou welcomed the chance to hone her unarmed combat
skills, not that she had any choice.  Ranma took the business of

skills. Not that she had any choice - Ranma

    Nabiki stretched, relieving her slightly-overworked muscles
and coincidentally giving Ranma a shot of her profile.  She was
tremendously proud of her breasts, she felt them to be her best
feature.  She was certain Ranma knew that too, because he always

You really have to change it to "breasts, somethinging them";
sounds waaay bad the way it is now. Considering them her best
feature?

    In a way I regret its passing, but I know that I have
become stale on this project and I hope that this final part
lives up to people's hopes for the finale.

...

No comments.


---
Ronny Hedin, thark@hem2.passagen.se, http://nabiki.newberry.edu/thark/
        "So, they aren't extraterrestials?"
        "Nope, they're manga characters who've lost their hair."
        (the unexpected end of X-files)