One Ranma's Nightmare is Another's...?

a Ranma � fanfiction by Andrew Carey <apcarey@midway.uchicago.edu>  
_______________________________________________________________
The characters and environment of Ranma � belong to Takahashi Rumiko,
and I would never claim to have any part in their creation; I am not
worthy!  I am simply borrowing them for this work of non-profit
fanfiction.  
This work may be transmitted, filed, or otherwise reproduced freely, as
long as this disclaimer and my name are not removed from it.  Feel free
to translate it, under the same conditions�if you're putting it into
Irish, French, Scots, Cadien, or Old through Early Modern English,
please email me, I'd love to talk about it.
_______________________________________________________________
	Please email all C&C directly to me at <apcarey@midway.uchicago.edu>
I can't handle the amount of traffic the which the FFML generates.
	This work contains mild sexual situations, as well as a good deal of
general silliness, including drastic violations of canonical nature.  As
the title might suggest, it's not only an alternate universe, it's
several of them.  If such things bother you, you might prefer to avoid
it. _______________________________________________________________
<> are used to indicate unspoken thought
"<>" indicate use of a language other than that of the rest of the
scene, in this case Mandarin as opposed to Japanese, although all
dialogue is rendered in English
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	One pleasant summer's morning in the town of Nerima, as birds were
sweetly singing and all nature was cheerfully going about its business,
three people tramped through the streets towards their destiny.  They
were dusty and dirty, travel-worn.  Their clothing was that of
adventurous wanderers, a mixture of styles from around the world, with a
notably heavy Chinese influence.  Indeed, a casual observer might have
said something to the effect of "Just another pack of stinking gypsies!"
or "How quaint, travelling people!" were it not for the air of nobility
in the proud bearing of the young pig-tailed man and the brown-haired
woman who walked at his side.  The combat spatula that rode on her back
and the katana thrust through his belt might also have helped matters;
one generally tries to stay on the good side of heavily armed martial
artists, in spite of one's opinions on their sense of fashion, apparent
mode of living, or level of hygiene.
	The fat old man who took the lead might have seemed a more likely
target for the casual contempt of the populace, but this would have
represented a sad error on their part.  For he was none other than
Saotome Genma, Master of the Saotome School of Anything Goes Martial
Arts, a doughty fighter known far and wide for his epic battles. 
Indeed, only his son, Ranma, and his son's equally skilled fianc�e,
Ukyou, would dare defy him, and he truly feared only one living person
in all the world: his lady wife, Saotome Nodoka.
	"Now tell me again, Da, why are we in this town?" said the young man.
	"This isn't another one of your schemes, is it, Uncle Saotome?" added
his companion.
	"We're just going to visit an old friend of mine and his family. 
Surely you'll not begrudge an old man some time to trade stories and
talk about old times?"

	Within half an hour they had reached the Tendou home and dojo. 
"<Something makes me nervous...>" Ranma said in Mandarin, taking Ukyou's
hand in his own.
	"<It's probably nothing, love.>" Ukyou replied.  "<After all, how long
has it been since we were actually houseguests?>"
	"<Five years, maybe?>"
	"You can speak a civilised language, son, daughter-in-law.  We are back
in Japan."
	"You're just jealous �cause you never learned to speak it right
yourself, Da."
	"Remember when we almost wandered into the cursed springs of
Jusenkyou?  I'm glad _somebody_ could read the signs." Ukyou added.
	They stepped through the gates.  A tall mustached man in a gi stood
waiting by the door to the house.  "Greetings, Saotome-kun!" he called,
bowing.  "My daughters await within."
	Genma returned the bow.  "I have brought Ranma, Tendou-kun."
	The tall man eyed Ukyou for a moment, looking puzzled.  "You never told
me you had a daughter.  I'm sorry that I have no son."
	"Ah, well, we can deal with all that later, I'm sure." Genma said
hastily.  Both Ranma and Ukyou were about to explain the situation;
Genma signed them to remain silent.  Puzzled, they did.
	In the main room of the house, three teenaged girls sat on a couch. 
They rose as their father and guests stepped inside. <Hmmm, they look a
little soft> was Ukyou's first thought.  Of course, they hadn't spent
the past ten years wandering across the world, fighting duels and
sleeping in tents and caves and cheap hostelries.  The shortest was
unquestionably some kind of martial artist, dressed in a gi like her
father, and rather pretty in a stocky, tomboyish, fashion.  She looked
unhappy about something.  The middle one wore a skirted business suit,
and Ukyou didn't care for the look she gave Ranma. <As if he were a
racehorse she was thinking about betting on.>  The tallest wore a frilly
apron over a pink dress, and smiled sweetly at them both, but there was
something in her expression that Ukyou couldn't put her finger on, and
it made her nervous.
	"This," Saotome Genma said proudly, "is my son, Ranma.  Ranma, these
are the Tendou sisters, daughters of my good friend Soun.  You're going
to marry one of them.  Pick."
	"Da, this is ridiculous!"  Ranma snarled.  "For feck's sake, I'm
already engaged!"  Ukyou drew herself closer, slipped an arm about his
waist.  "I don't mean any offense to you three," he continued, "but
Ucchan and I have been engaged since we were children, and by God I'll
not leave her behind."
	"Saotome!  Why in Hell's name didn't you tell me?!"
	"Well, I figured..."
	"You figured what?  That you'd have another child?  Then in God's name
why didn't you stay at home with your wife like an honest man instead of
wandering all over the world?  Unless...Satome-kun, why didn't you tell
me, you old devil!  Where's he hiding?"
	"Well, actually, this is all I have.  But I thought, well, it's not the
first time there's been a man with more than one wife..."
	"And our Ranma is a man among men, isn't he, husband!  I'm sure he
needs at least two!"  Saotome Nodoka burst into the room.  "Hello,
Soun-kun!"
	"Nodoka-chan!  But I thought your husband was out on the road without
you."
	"Only for the last month.  I was visiting my sister.  But most of the
time I'm with them.  The family that wanders together, stays together! 
And besides, how is Ukyou-chan to learn to be a proper woman without a
mother-in-law's touch?  That was what I told my Genma when we met with
Kuonji-san and his little daughter, �Genma,' I said, �that poor little
girl is such a sweet thing, and it's such a pity for her to grow up with
no mother to look after her, why don't we engage her to our Ranma?'"
	"But did you not know about Genma's promise to me?"
	"Of course I did, Soun-kun.  As I said, they'll all get along
famously."
	"Blessed Mother of Mercy, Ucchan, what are we to do?" Ranma whispered
in his fianc�e's ear.
	"Don't worry, Ranchan, we'll think of something."
	"If you want, we can run."
	"But we'd break your mother's heart, love.  I can't do that.  Maybe we
can get along all right with one of the Tendous..."
	"Ranma, we're still waiting for you to choose." Genma said.
	"Or do you want all three?" Nodoka added.  Ukyou glared at her.
	"Ahhhhh...."
	"So, maybe it would help Ranma-kun if he at least knew their names?"
Tendou Soun said dryly.  "Ranma, these are Kasumi," the tallest,
"Nabiki" she didn't frown, precisely, but still appeared to be making
calculations in her head, "and Akane."  She glared at Ranma where he
stood with his arm about Ukyou's shoulders.  "So, girls, what do you
think?"
	"I'm not marrying a polygamous pervert, Daddy!" Akane said firmly.
	"I'm sorry, Da, but I've never cared to play second fiddle." 
	"But I'm sure you could be First Wife, Biki-chan, it's only fair." Soun
interjected.
	"Don't worry, Daddy, I'll be happy to have them." Kasumi chirped.  "And
don't be shy, now, give us a hug." she said, glomping enthusiastically
onto both Ranma and Ukyou.
	"Ah, my son and his two future wives!  Truly a man among men!" Nodoka
snapped a picture for the wedding album.  Nabiki considered taking out
her own camera, but no, this was one Tendou sister whose pictures did
not sell at all. <Kunou-chan's still terrified of her, and his sister
won't even come back to Nerima.>
	"So, shall we start making plans for the wedding?" Nodoka said, pulling
a two foot stack of catalogs from her rucksack. 
	"Oh, Ranma and Ukyou will be hot and tired after their long trip, and
I'm sure their clothes will need washing.  I'll show them the bathing
room."  Kasumi said brightly.   With the implacable strength her gentle
exterior belied, she dragged them out of the room.  "<Ucchan, what will
we do?>" Ranma said in Mandarin.
	"<We'll go over the wall tonight.  I've enough in my money belt to get
us a train to Kansai...>"
	"<Oh my, you speak Mandarin too?  How wonderful that we have so much in
common!>" Kasumi said brightly.  "<I hope you don't mind that I need a
bath as well, but there's only one tub in the house, and we're
practically married, and we're all going to be _such_ good friends,
aren't we?>"

	Ranma screamed and snapped bolt upright in bed.  "Noooo!!!!!!!!"
	The warmth of the body cuddled against his left side reassured him. 
"Akane, you're here, it's all right!" he said in relief, embracing
tightly, burying his face in her black hair.
	"Silly Ranma-sama, Akane always sleeps on your right.  I know we've
only been married three months, but really, love, you've got to learn to
tell your wives apart."  Kodachi rolled over and kissed him.  "Don't be
hurt, now, darling, I'm only teasing."
	"Ranma, Ko-chan, what is...?" Akane sat up and looked down at them.
	"Silly Akane-chan, does it always take you so long to wake up?" Kodachi
bopped her on the tip of her nose with a gentle finger.  "Ranma was just
battling the Great Turkey of Doom in his sleep again."
	"No, actually I was about to be mauled by...oh, never mind."
	"Well, give us a kiss, baka, if you're going to wake us up in the
middle of the night."
	"All right...tomboy."
	"So, do I get one?"
	"Surely, crazy girl."

Back in the universe next door:

	"I'm sorry, Ucchan, I just had the most terrible dream.  Kodachi was
there, and Akane, and..."
	"There now, Ranchan, it's all right.  Kasumi and I are here."
	"And I'm sure we can find some way to help you forget your nightmare,
can't we, dearest Ukyou?"

In another nearby:
	
	"Akane!  Thank God!  I just had the most terrible dream, we were in bed
with Kodachi, and..."
	"Ranma, I love you dearly, but by God you're a PERVERT!"
	"She's right, Ranchan." Ukyou added sleepily from the other side of the
bed.  "I mean, we're open minded and all that, but Kodachi's a little
bit much, isn't she?  God, she's so sugary and cute that it's
disgusting.  Remember the last Olympics, when she used that giant teddy
bear in the final bout against the American champion, and then she threw
pink roses into the stands?"

In yet another:

	"Nooooo!!!!!!  Not Kasumi!  Anything but......"
	Ranma awoke to his wife's gentle shaking.  "What, Ranma, you didn't
have a good time when I let Kasumi �borrow' you?  You know it was our
only choice."
	"I know, Nabiki-chan, I know.  The old man would have been panda
teriyaki if it weren't for your brilliant plan.  That doesn't mean I
don't have nightmares."
	"Well, since you've woken me up, I'm going to have to charge you my
usual fee."
	"A backrub?"
	"And you're doing the laundry this week."
	"Hey!  That's too much!"
	"Therapy doesn't come cheap, dearest silly pigtailed boy.  Now shut up
and kiss me."

And another:

	"Ranma-sama!  I fear thy dark dream bears some evil message!  Surely
the evil Tendou Soun is again plotting to wrest thy handsome self and
the beauteous Ukyou from my loving arms!"
	Ranma wrapped his arms around his wife and stroked her hair.  She was a
dear thing, and a capable warrior as well, having saved his and Ukyou's
lives on a number of occasions, but she needed very gentle handling at
times like this.  "No, pet, it was just a dream.  Tendou Akane and Ranko
are on their honeymoon, remember?  The Tendous haven't troubled us since
she fell into that cursed spring last year."
	Ukyou hauled herself up on one elbow.  "Sorry, Ranchan, but no more
okonomiyaki before bed for you.  I know it's your favorite midnight
snack, but you're going to ruin Ko-chan's sleep with these ridiculous
nightmares of yours."

And another:

	Ranma's eyes snapped open.  Thank God, it was only a dream, and
everything was normal.  Akane was snoring by his side as usual.  He
snuggled closer, buried his nose in her long black hair, wrapped his
arms around her firm, muscular chest... <Wait a minute, she was a girl
when we went to bed, and we just patched the roof last week...>  "All
right, who splashed my wife?"
	"Why, Ranma, it's only me.  Surely two strong, handsome men..." came a
voice from the laundry hamper.
	"Tsubasa no baka!" Akane snapped awake and swung her hammer, while
Ranma ran to the window.  Through long practice, they timed it
perfectly.  The transvestite sailed out into the night, bound for a
geosynchronious orbit over Okinawa.  
	Ranma shut the window and sighed.  "Remember when he only liked girls?"
	"Ah, well, with luck we'll not see the useless pervert for a couple of
weeks."  Akane's hammer snapped back into its hammerspatial home, and
she embraced her husband, drew him into a kiss.  For some reason she had
a mustache in her male form�it tickled his nose.
	"Now who's the pervert?" Ranma teased when they stopped for breath.
	"You know, Ranma, I'm starting to think that when I finally find the
spring of Drowned Girl I should throw you into it instead of myself. 
You really should stop making fun of my curse."
	"Only teasing, love, only teasing."

And another:

	"My God, Akane, I just dreamed I was kissing a guy!  Deep kissing! 
This really buff guy, with a mustache and everything."
	"Now Ranma, you know Mousse was only joking..."
	"I'm telling you, it wasn't Mousse."
	"It was just a dream, Ranma, just a dream.  I'm sure lots of men have
them.  It's really not a big deal.  After all, being married to a
certain man who fell into a certain spring and gets wet all too
frequently, I seem to be kissing a woman nearly every day."
_______________________________________________________________
	Yes, I know, it's evil and wrong of me to think of these things.  The
real Kasumi is a prude, etc, etc.  Blame it on too much work and the
fact that I couldn't concentrate last night on either my MA thesis or
the next chapter of  "A Fianc�e in the Grass," and instead had to
meditate on the basic perversity of alternate history.  I'm sure that
somewhere there is a world where Takahashi-sama made Kasumi very much
alike to one of the  Kasumis here.  Of course, in that world Ranma � was
judged obscene and never achieved US release, and all the Western dubs
and subs are in Irish or Occitan.  But, if it's any consolation, Pauly
Shore made the mistake early in his career of insulting the notorious
Hollywood duelist Elvis Presley Jr., and several very bad movies were
never made.