*TURN OFF YOUR LIGHTS*
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)
(The future isn't what it used to be....)
"MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7" (SEASON TWO)
EPISODE 18: A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC PT. 1
(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing)
MSTed From the Desk of Megane 6.7
This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be inferred.
Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc. are
the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc. Just covering
my own ass here folks....
"Ranma 1/2" is the property of Rumiko Takahashi and all the
distributors of her work.
"A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic" is the property of Sheep and he's welcome
to it. I do not intend to offend him for making fun of his work like this
but I figure it's only a matter of time before someone does. Think
of this as another form of C&C. ;)
(Cue "Mystery Science Theater 6.7 Love Theme" in 5....4....3....)
It's the not-too-distant future,
Last sunday BC
There was this guy named Joel
Not so different from you or me
He worked at Gizmonic Institute
Just another guy in a red jumpsuit
He did a great job cleaning up the place,
But his bosses really hate him
So they shot him into space!!!!
Joel:
(OH....MY....GODDESS!!!)
Crow and Tom:
(IT'S MEGAMI-SAMA!)
(Instead of holding messed up video, Frank's holding a computer printout)
We'll send him crappy fanfics
The worst we can find (lalala)
He'll have to sit and read them all and we'll monitor his mind (lalala)
(Instead of where it shows the guys watching the movie, it shows them
ducking behind their seats for 'Artemis's Lover'.)
Now keep in mind Joel can't control
When the fanfics begin or end (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
To make his robot friends;
ROBOT ROLL CALL:
CAMBOT:
'Text only'?
Gypsy:
'Oh, my!'
Tom Servo:
'Sweet-o!'
CROOOOOOOW!!!
'I'm not a hentai!'
If your wondering how Joel eats and breathes
And other science facts (lalala)
Then repeat to yourself
*It's just a MiST*
You should really just relax
for MYSTERY SCIENCE THEATER 6.7!!!!
* * *
THE HOLOCABANA
12:12 HOURS
The figure was silhouetted against the smoky background as
he walked confidently to the center of the stage and ignited his light saber,
casting a eerie green light.
He flicked the tip of the sword around a little and then, with a
grand gesture, he slashed the air in front of him in an S pattern, the
slashes leaving behind trails of flame. Then the S rushed forward towards
the camera and soon the entire shot was filled with fire and letters of
stone suddenly burst forth from the foreground to form words:
'THE MASK OF SOLO'
* * *
CARBON-FREEZING CHAMBER ON BESPIN
"Anthony Hopkins has taught you well....but you are not Mark
Hamill, yet...."
Joel turned towards the metallic wheeze to see Tom hovering on
the platform above, his own red lightsaber ignited and held firmly thanks to
a special modification to his body. Joel took a moment to adjust his black
mask and check his pocket mirror to see if he had Antonio's pissed-off
look down. Then he cautiously walked up the stairs towards the hovering
figure. Once there, he ignited his own light saber and held it defensively
in front of Tom.
For what seemed like an eternity, the two warriors watched each
other silently. Suddenly Joel whirled around just in time to block a strike from
Crow. Crow was dressed in full US Cavalry garb and snarled as
he held his blue lightsaber above his head, preparing to attack again.
Then Tom lunged from behind Joel, who quickly dropped to a crouch
and then rolled backwards underneath him to his feet, striking downwards
with his sword. A moment later, Tom's right arm went flying off into the
distance.
Tom wasn't bothered however, since his arms were useless anyway
and used his hoverskirt to ram Joel in the stomach. Crow then let out a
battlecry as he rushed forward to slash at Joel....
Only to have his strike intercepted by Tom's bubblehead, impaling
it with his light saber.
"Oh, good one, Crow!" Tom muttered, disgusted.
"Oh, poopie!" Crow swore as he withdrew his saber from Tom's
head and resumed his attack. Joel dove to Crow's left and stuck out his
leg, causing Crow to trip over it and crash to the ground. Crow immediately
got back up, only to stare dumbly at his right shoulder which has been severed
by the saber when he fell.
Joel had little time to celebrate as Tom continued to use his hoverskirt
to give chase. Wanting to show off his athletic prowess, Joel used his entire
body to swing around a metal post, which proved to be a bad move since his
momentum brought him right back into Tom, who swung hard with his
sword....
Joel did a baseball slide under Tom and came back up on the other side,
his green sword ignited and swung at Tom. Tom countered with his own sword
and they struggled to gain the advantage over the other. Joel's strength against
Tom's hoverskirt.
"Nobody would ever catch me fighting as badly as you do!" Tom
shouted.
"You run THAT fast?" Joel countered with a smug grin. "You're
no match for my brains, you poor fool."
"Yeah, I'd be in real trouble if you ever used them!" Tom roared back.
Then Tom increased the power to his hoverskirt and send Joel flying
backwards to slam against a wall. Tom rushed towards him to finish him off
only to be surprised when Joel suddenly threw his lightsaber at him like a
javelin. The saber struck home as it punched a hole through his casing and
Tom disappeared a moment later, muttering to himself. "Cheap shot...."
Joel breathed a sigh of relief as he rested a moment against the wall.
Then a blue light saber punched a hole from behind about a millimeter
from his right ear. Joel immediately slid down the wall and rolled forward
to his feet.
He then tried to use the force to make his saber jump into his hand.
Failing that, he tried to use his whip to lasso the saber and toss it into the air
so it would land in his hand. Finally, he just rushed over to where it lay and
picked it up.
He then tried to ignite it only to have several D-size batteries
fall out from the bottom of the saber and roll over the edge of the platform.
The impact from striking Tom had broken the battery cap and the saber was
now useless.
Crow appeared from around the wall a moment later, his light saber
held steady in his remaining arm. Joel threw the butt of the saber at him only
to have Crow deflect it easily with his own saber. Suddenly he gasped in shock.
"No...." Crow whispered.
"Huh?" Joel was confused.
"No....it's not true....THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!?!?"
Joel suddenly felt for his mask and realized the strings had been
severed, unmasking him and revealing himself to be...."
"Yes, Crow. *I* am your father." Joel admitted sheepishly.
"NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Crow screamed in horror as he suddenly
rushed towards Joel, his saber posed to strike the unarmed warrior. Joel
waited until he could see the yellow of Crow's eyes and then calmly drew
his blasters from his side holsters and fired them simultaneously.
Crow collapsed backwards, his chest smoking from the carbon
scoring. Joel immediately rushed to his side. "Crow, don't leave me!" Joel
cried, trying his best not to sound melodramatic.
"You're not my real father...." Crow muttered, his breath growing
fainter.
"You can't die! I've got to save you!" Joel replied desperately.
"You already....have. Joel....?"
"Yes, Crow?"
"Bite me." Crow whispered.
Joel nodded in understanding as Crow's form vanished. Then Joel
stood up and walked over to the freezing chamber. He pushed a few buttons
and the chamber doors opened. The Imperial March began playing in the
background as a giant claw then lowered itself down into the chamber and
clamped down on something. A moment later, it rose up again, a refrigerator
in it's grasp. Joel opened the fridge and pulled out a cold one.
"You guys want something to drink?" Joel asked.
"I'll take a Coke." Crow replied.
"Me too." Tom said.
"So, who wants to be Solo next?" Joel said.
"That depends. Can I use the blasters right away?" Crow asked
hopefully.
"Come on, Crow. If you use the blasters right away, it's no fun!
You have to build up the suspense, showcase your skills before you rely on
your strongest weapon...."
"Oh, I get it! Like when Voltron: Defender of the Universe waits
till the last minute to use his sword against his opponent instead of killing
them right away?" Tom replied.
"Or when a wrestler has to soften up an opponent before he goes
for his trademark finisher?" Crow added.
"Exactly! Now you're getting it!" Joel nodded.
Suddenly Gypsy's voice crackled over the intercom. "Joel, The
Two Guys from Andromeda are calling...."
"Darn! And we still haven't gotten around to baking a cake!"
Crow replied sarcastically as he and his friends left the Holocabana for
the bridge....
* * *
DEEP 13
Dr. Clayton Forrester stood in front of the console, rubbing his
hands together eagerly. His mad grin stretched from ear to ear and he
seemed to be in an almost ecstatic mood. Beside him, ever slouching,
was T.V.'s Frank.
"You know the drill, shortpants. Let's see what you got!" Dr.
Forrester said with a giggle...."
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
Joel carefully placed a large glass windshield on the counter,
complete with wipers that had electric wires running through them.
"Well sirs, This week I've invented a solution for the Squeegee
kids plaguing motorists around the world. If you're like me and I know
I am, it's really frustrating to have dirt thrown on your windshield
by squeegee kids and then have to pay them to clean it or get your wipers
ripped off your car. So, I've implanted these wipers with a special
electrical current that manipulates the wipers into fighting back. Now
watch...."
Crow suddenly snuck up to the windshield and threw a handful
of dirt on it, yelling all the while. "HEY MAN! CLEAN YOUR
WINDSHIELD FOR A DOLLAR MAN! I'LL CLEAN IT FOR YOU
MAN! PAY ME A DOLLAR, MAN! OH, A CHEAPSKATE, HUH?!?"
Crow grabbed the wipers and tried to rip them off when they
suddenly came to life, whipping and smacking Crow all over the place.
Crow cried out in pain as they continued to assault him until he finally
ran away. The wipers slowly settled down a few moments later while Joel
continued his monologue.
"They're designed to activate when excessive pressure is applied
to them and they can also be used to warn off monkeys from crapping on
your windshield whenever you visit 'African Lion's Safari' with your
family." Tom continued.
"Just be sure to disarm the system when they need cleaning....or
if it's going to rain heavily....or you have a cat." Crow added.
"What do you think, sirs?" Joel asked.
* * *
DEEP 13
"Not bad, booby. But our invention is going to make yours look
like a volcano at a second grade science fair! It's called 'Virtual Bar
Hopping' or the 'VBH' for short and it's going to make traveling to
your favorite tavern and/or dance club a thing of the past! How, you
say? Because now you can go there without ever leaving your house!
Observe...."
The camera panned left to reveal Frank wearing a sophisticated
Virtual Reality helmet. "Right now Frank is visiting a dance club called
the Phoenix. He's just arrived and he's feeling a little nervous...."
"Oh man, am I dressed okay?" Frank muttered nervously. "Was
it a bad idea to wear white bell bottom jeans with a plaid shirt? Is eight
inches high enough for my platform shoes? I hope I remembered to use
deodorant this time. At least my breath is fresh, but is it fresh enough?"
"Frank! You're worrying over nothing!" Dr. Forrester chuckled.
"The VBH ensures that your appearance and personal hygiene are seen by
everyone as nothing short of fantastic! No more worrying about people
making snide remarks behind your back or pointing out how huge your
ass is."
"Wow, that's a relief off my mind!" Frank exclaimed with relief.
"But what if I meet a really cute girl here. I always manage to say the wrong
thing and embarrass myself. Why can't I talk to women....?"
"Not to worry, Frank! With the VBH, any member of the opposite
sex you meet will see you as a great looking person with charisma, charm
and a really killer body that'll drive em wild! The VBH makes anybody who
uses it seem like the perfect person to talk to."
"Uh oh!" Frank swallowed. "Someone's offering me a free drink
and I really can't hold my liquor that well. But if I say no, everyone will
think I'm a geek! What do I do!?!"
"Relax, Frank. The VBH takes care of that too by letting you drink
all you want and still maintain enough of your motor functions to be the
life of the party and not collapse into a corner with a lampshade on your
head. By the way, do you smoke?"
"No way. Can't stand the stuff." Frank replied.
"Well, why don't you try a puff now?" Dr. Forrester insisted
as he placed a magic marker in his hand. Frank reluctantly put the
marker to his lips and suddenly exclaimed. "Hey, I can't smell or taste
a thing! Now I can smoke all I want and look cool and I *can* quit
whenever I want to!"
"So, you like it, Frank?" Dr. Forrester inquired.
"This is the best time I've ever had bar-hopping! Thank you,
VBH! You've given my worthless life meaning again!" Frank exclaimed
happily as he began downing the chasers and puffing away at his magic
marker.
"Wait a minute." Joel interrupted. "You mean there's no side
effects of using this invention at all?"
Dr. Forrester snorted. "Well, of course there's side-effects, Joel!
For one thing, anyone using this thing will never have to talk to another
live human being ever again, meaning they'll never leave the house and
second, the VBH may prevent the user from getting too drunk...."
Suddenly he yanked the VBH helmet off Frank. Frank's eyes
bulged out and he suddenly clutched his head in pain. "HEY! OWW!!"
Frank winced as the volume of his own voice caused his head to throb
in pain. "What happened to me?" he whispered.
"....but the hangover is another story entirely! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"
Dr. Forrester finished as he burst into pales of mad laughter while Frank
curled up into a little ball on the floor and tried to hide his eyes from the
light, moaning in pain. "Any questions, Joel?" Dr. Forrester finally asked
after he calmed down.
"Yeah, how do you sleep at night?" Joel asked.
"On my side, usually." Dr. Forrester replied as Joel and the bots
facefaulted. "And now Joel, it's time to reveal your experiment for this
week. And I think it's safe to say that this one is truly one of the *WORST*
Ranma 1/2 fanfics of all time. And it's not even a lemon!" Dr. Forrester
giggled with sadistic glee.
"So prepare yourself, sailor scouts! Prepare yourself for
'A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic'. For this fic goes beyond mere deep hurting....this
is *SHEEP HURTING*. Send them the fanfic, Frank...."
"Uhhhhh...." Frank moaned in pain as he crawled towards the
filing cabinet, resting his face against the cold surface for a few moments
before pulling himself up....
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"Sheep Hurting? Didn't Dr. F try this last time with that
*SCENE CHANGE* crap? Crow asked.
"It can't be all that bad, right? Besides, it's about time we read
something without the Sailor Senshi in it!" Tom remarked.
Joel nodded his agreement. "And it's not a lemon either. So
how bad could it possibly...?"
Suddenly, alarms and sirens suddenly rang out.
"OHHHH, WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!" Joel cried out.
(Door 6: It slides open on both sides..)
(Door 5: It's made of beads. They explode out towards you, and you
move on..)
(Door 4: It falls toward you, missing your foot by inches.)
(Door 3: It's a castle gate, that rises into the ceiling..)
(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Akahn floats from behind you and
touches the door. The door vanishes.)
(Door 1: It splits in four ways, twice.)
(Door .7: A beam of golden light erupts from the floor. You walk into it.)
Joel emerged from the light into the theater with Tom in his arms,
Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind. Stepping
over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the theater on his
own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater seats and sat next to
him, Crow sitting on his right.
A Ranma � Fanfic
Joel: Did Zenki write this?
Tom: Hmm....lack creativity much?
Crow: From the people who brought you 'Ranma and Akane have sex on
Akane's Bed.'
By Sheep
Crow: Something tells me this is going to be baaaaaaaaaad, Joel....
Tom: Yep, this fic's going to be *shear* torture....
Joel: *Fleece* stop with the *sheep* puns....
Crow: Something bothering *ewe*, Joel?
Tom: Don't worry, you won't hear another *sheep* out of us, Joel....
Joel: (groans)
THIS CRAZY ENTERTAINMENT STORY IS BY A RUMIKO
TAKAHASHI
Crow: Not to be confused with *THE* Rumiko Takahashi....
Tom: I've heard she runs into a lot of impersonators.
Joel: Yeah, it's a Rumik World.
" RANMA1\2 " FAN NAMED Sheep, Sheep
Crow: Hmm. Think he lives in a small town?
Joel: Check it out, it's a double *ewe*!
Tom: He may have three bags, but they ain't full....
Crow: (imitating Sheep Sheep singing) I think I'm a clone now....There's
always two of me just hanging around....
CAN GET SOME CRAZY CREATIVE IDEAS. SO FOR ANY OF YOU
PEOPLE WHO KNOW THIS STORY BY RUMIKO TAKAHASHI, SIT
BACK AND BE PREPARED
Crow: Sheep Sheep was especially adapt at knitting sweaters in the boy scouts....
Tom: (imitating Scar) Be prepared....
TO BE READING SOMETHING STRANGE. OKAY, YOU MUST KNOW
THE STORY SERIES QUITE WELL TO UNDERSTAND MY PUNS AND
THE CHARACTERS OF THIS ENTERTAINMENT STORY.
Crow: If you don't, suffer!
Tom: Doesn't he mean 'CRAZY' entertainment story?
Joel: Hey, I think you need to hit the Caps Lock there, Mr. Sheep Sheep....
IF YOUR STILL AWAKE, LET'S BEGIN.......
Crow and Tom: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....
Joel: Hey, wake up guys!
Crow: Huh? Oh sorry Joel. Counting sheep always makes me sleepy.
Tom: He's messing up his homonyms already. Not a good sign, people....
It was just a fine spring day morning in Tokyo. Everything seemed quite
fine ( or as it usually is ) in the Tendo Dojo.
Joel: It was just a clich� fanfiction opening.
Tom: (imitating Soun) A perfect moment....
Crow: Redundant, much?
Akane Tendo, the youngest of the Tendo siblings was inside the dojo
practicing some of her karate martial arts techniques.
Crow: But what Akane does with her Wing Chung stand is entirely her
own business....
Joel: Crow....
Tom: (imitating Akane) I have to train if I'm going to beat Daniel LaRusso
in the championship tournament....
She wanted to somehow beat that annoying Shampoo before she can have
Ranma all to herself.
Joel: (imitating Akane singing) I'm going to wash that girl right out of his hair....
Despite her tomboy ego, Akane did have some hidden feelings for her so
called " parental forced fiance " Ranma Saotome.
Tom: 'Parental Forced' anything brings up some bad images....
Crow: 'Father Figure' among them.
It was a day like any other,
Joel: Even 'A Day in the Past'?
Tom: Quit brown nosing!
Ranma stepping inside the dojo
All: (loudly imitate the theme to the Dick Van Dyke show)
and mocking Akane about her tomboyish exterior.
Crow: As opposed to her leather interior....
RANMA: Hey Akane, whatcha doing?
AKANE: Oh, not of your business Ranma.
Joel: That's none funny!
Don't you have anything better to do than standing beside me?
Crow: Guess Ranma isn't a Benny King fan....
I'm busy for crying out loud!
RANMA: Oooo, I hit a nerve.
Crow: That one's just asking for it....
Joel: Crow....
Crow: ....but I won't even dignify that with a response.
Those practicing techniques won't do you any good. I've been training
practically all my life. Infact, when I'm in my girl form, I could do
a whole lot better than you and your thick legs can!
Crow: Again, how well Akane does ANYTHING with her thick legs
is her own business....
Joel: Crow....
( LOL )
Tom: Isn't that cute? The writer thinks he's funny.
Crow: Either Ranma's started using Internet-speak, or the writer's
trying to lol our suspicions.
AKANE: Oh shutup! Get out!!! Get out I said!!!!!
Joel: Geez, why not say it again with seven exclamation points?
As Akane chased Ranma across the dojo ( as if that never happened
before from his mockings ),
Crow: His mockings were usually hung by the dojo with care....
Tom: Akane's trying to get her dojo working....
Joel: (groans)
Shampoo burst through the wall while on her bike ( refer to some
of those cartoon episodes, and you'll know what I mean ).
Tom: Oh, *THOSE* cartoon episodes.
Joel: You know, the one where the guy changes into a girl and everyone
wants him?
Crow: Oh yeah....what was that cartoon called again?
Tom: Why....Transformers, of course!
SHAMPOO: Neehow!
All: And how!
What you doing to my Ranma, Akane?
Crow: Everything and Anything!
Joel: Crow....
AKANE: Oh, it's you Shampoo. Hey Ranma, your lover girl's here. Why
don't the two of you go on a date or something, hmm?
Tom: Yes, let's make Shampoo OOC too and have her invite Akane along!
Crow: How many lemons would you like with this fic?
RANMA: Hey wait! I am not going out, you here me?! Besides, I got
something better to do anyway.
Crow: (imitating Ranma) Yeah, like tune my twanger!
AKANE: Oh ho! Such as?
RANMA: Such as.......such as......such as
Tom: Somebody smack the fanfic! It's skipping!
going shopping, at the mall. Yes, that's it, at the mall!
Joel: Have a ball at the mall!
Crow: Graffiti the wall at the mall!
Tom: Umm....Umm.....
AKANE: That doesn't even sound like you at all.
Tom: Thanks!
Crow: (Ranma voice) Hey, it ain't my fault. This Sheep Sheep guy is
writing me OOC.
You rarely go to the mall anyway.
Crow: He prefers a quickie....
Joel: Crow!
Crow....mart! I meant mart!
RANMA: Well, I'm going now. Let go Shampoo!
Tom: Spread 'em!
Joel: Tom....
SHAMPOO: Ai Lin! Don't go Ranma! Me coming too!
Tom: Woah! What kind of bike was she riding?!?
Crow: SCHWINN!!!
Joel: Guys....
AKANE: Hoo boy....sigh.
Tom: Cough.
Crow: Sneeze.
Joel: Burp.
Yes, unfortunally for Ranma, Shampoo did follow him. Ranma always
worried since Shampoo also had a Jusinkyo curse upon herself.
Tom: Well, duh!
Joel: For those of you who aren't familiar with Rumiko Takahashi's
*CRAZY* entertainment cartoon....
Crow: Why narrator talk like Shampoo?
As you probably have known before,
Crow: And are about to hear again....
Shampoo changes into a cat with a splash of cold water.
Tom: But bring Shampoo to a boil and she tenders up quite nicely, as
we've read before....
Joel: Crow....
Ranma changes into a female. However, Ranma is terribly afraid of cats,
namely the one Shampoo changes into.
Tom: However Artemis isn't such a big deal....
If you recall, once Ranma's cat fear reaches it's climax, he acts like a cat
himself.
Joel: Yeah, he has kittens.
Okay, as to what's happening,
Crow: Last time on 'A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic'....
Ranma did get stopped in the street. It was Tatewaki Kuno,
Tom: The man....The myth....The moron....
the kendo stick swinging,
Crow: Hey, keep it in your pants, Kunou-Chan....
Tom: It's cheaper than air conditioning.
poetic maniac
Joel: (singing) He's a maniac....maniac....in the schoolyard....and he's
spouting like he's never spouted before....
Crow: And you call ME a hentai, Joel?
and a guy who has a major crush on Ranma's female cursed side,
Tom: Oh yeah, Ranma's male side is so angelic....
locked any means for the two to continue on their destination.
Joel: But their hearts would go on and on.
Crow: Unfortunately, so would this fanfic.
Of course, since Kuno still from this day hates Ranma, he doesn't know
that he's actually hating his girl side as well.
Tom: (imitating Kuno singing) But when I think about you, I hate yourself!
KUNO: If it isn't Ranma Saotome of the Saotome school. I Tatewaki Kuno
challenge you to a duel Ranma! Prepare to defend yourself you cursed fool!
Crow: Wait a minute! Kunou knows Ranma is cursed?
Joel: Wait a minute! Kunou didn't list all his attributes when he challenged
Ranma?
Tom: Wait a minute! Kunou said that all in one breath?
RANMA: Hey, what did I do this time?!
Crow: (imitating Kunou) You deflowered my black rose!
Joel: Crow....
KUNO: Shutup and fight!
Joel: But first, get up and dance!
Whoosh!
Crow: Ah, this fic is nothing but hot air.
Tom: Yes, it's another state-of-the-art sound effect brought to you by
the latest in sound technology: Sheep Sheep Sound!
Joel: The audience is bleating....
Crow: Yeah. They're bleating a hasty letleat! Ha ha ha! (gets smacked by
Joel) OW!
Thanks to his quick reflexes, Ranma dodged Kuno's stick attack just
before it whacked him in the cheek.
All: Eeeeeeeeeewwwwwwww!!!
Tom: Should that be before it *would have* whacked him in the cheek?
Crow: Thank god we're spared another M. Llave sound effect....
Shampoo disappointed very badly stormed off away, sobbing.
Crow: Crow sighed very deeply shook head slowly, groaning.
Tom: Why Shampoo disappointed? Shampoo want see stick-boy clobber
Ranma?
Meanwhile, Kuno kept swinging that annoying stick.
Tom: It's 'Men of Bokken' all over again!
Joel: Hey batter batter batter! Right over the plate!
Crow: There's no joy in mudville....
Just then, Ranma took a big leap ( the kind he does sometimes )
Tom: (imitating Genie from King of Thieves) I do that.
Crow: This whole fanfic is a leap of faith....
and landed on a nearby roof.
All: TOGGG!!!
He pranced off with Kuno swearing and in hot pursuit.
Crow: (imitating Ranma) Oh gawd! I'm all sweaty and sticky now!
Tom: Kunou 3:16 just poked your ass!
Joel: TOM....
With his damn bad luck he always had,
Joel: Yeah, Ranma should get a "Blind luck -1" notation on his character
card in Ani-Mayhem....
Ranma was splashed with water. By whom? A nearby sprinkler.
Crow: The poor drunk watering in an alley never knew what hit him....
He automatically changed into his girl form ( a Jusinkyo curse ).
Joel: Ranma's cursed? Woah! When were you going to reveal THAT
little secret!
Well, Kuno did catch up with him ( or her ).
Tom: Oh no you don't! We endured enough of that in 'California Dreaming'!
Crow: Yeah, don't start that crap again! Pick a pronoun and stick with
it, Sheep Sheep!
He flushed beat red with love.
Joel: No comment necessary here folks.....
Ranma was trying to dry himself and forgot he was in his female form.
Crow: He's calling the female form by *he* I hate that! I hate that!
I hate that!
Tom: Why? I prefer the *he* pronoun myself.
Crow: What?!? You're crazy!
Tom: He's a guy, Crow! It only makes sense to use it.
Joel: Guys, can we talk about this later? We're holding up the fanfic.
Besides Crow, you *DID* tell Sheep Sheep to pick a pronoun and stick
with it.
Crow: And I know just where he can stick it.
He had his shirt down so from the waist up, it was bare.
Tom: You mean you took off his shirt? Are you sure?! Is that what you're
trying to tell us?!?
Crow: There's an alarming amount of deja vu in this fic.
Joel: (imitating Rocky J. Squirrel) Again?
A small trinklet of blood came down Kuno's nose,
Tom: Creative use of a description here folks....
while he stood blushing, totally aroused.
Crow: Yet strangely no one took any notice....
KUNO: Ooo, my pigtailed goddess! What a bless to see you like this!
Joel: Blessed are the cheesemakers.....
Tom: What did he say?
Crow: Blessed are the cheesemakers?
Ranma flushed, but he quickly looked where Kuno was staring at.
Ranma was totally devastated and angry.
Joel: Really laying it on thick, eh?
RANMA: AAAAAAAAGGGH!!!!!! YOU PERVERT!!!
Tom: Isn't that Akane's line?
Joel: Only Akane? How about every girl who's ever encountered Happosai?
Crow: And since when has Ranma been modest?
Before Ranma could slap him, Kuno caught his girlie arms
Joel: (imitating Joe Piscopo) He's going to pump her up!
and stood there, embraced Ranma in his scular
Tom: Scular? Da heck?!?
Crow: Sheep's no road scular, that's for sure....
( okay, too dramatic ) arms.
Joel: Whew! That was pretty tense all right. Thanks, Sheep Sheep....
Staring at him, Ranma began to shout somemore,
All: (singing) You know he makes her want to shout!
but Kuno gently put a finger to Ranma's lips, silenting her.
Joel: Silent is golden....
Tom: Who knows where those fingers have been?
Crow: Weren't they beating his stick earlier?
Joel: Crow....
KUNO: Hush my love. Now's not the time to speak.
Tom: Now is the time to scream!
Crow: (imitating Kuno) Now's the time to stand on your hind legs and beg!
Joel: (singing) Right now, hey, It's your tomorrow....
For you and I shall date.
Joel: (imitating Ranma) Actually, Kuno-Chan, I'm washing my hair now.
I lost the dragon's whisker so it may take a few decades....sorry.
RANMA: WHAT?! You gotta be joking! Do you want me to lose my lunch?!
Crow: (imitating Ranma) After all, this ain't Akane's slop! Kasumi made it
and I ain't risking it for nobody!
Tom: Urp....I think we've got that covered....
Let go of me you fool!!
Joel: But kiss me first!
But Kuno, who had been countlessly rejected by Ranma's female form
before, never gave up. He expected this struggle, but he still held on.
Tom: And his loins will go on and on and on and....
Joel: Uh, I think they get the point, Tom.
KUNO: You will be mine, today you shall...
Joel: ....compare thee to a Summer's day?
Crow: ....die like dogs, Amigos?
Tom: ....suck me off like a hoover?
Joel: TOM!!!
Kuno ( surprisinly, he never thought of this before,
Joel: (imitating Kuno) Gasp! I could have *SEX* with her!
Tom: That's surprisin, all right....
nor did Rumiko when she wrote her scripts ),
Tom: How do you know? Were you there?
Joel: Don't tell me Sheep Sheep is Rumiko's ghost writer?!?
Crow: Sheep Sheep knows all and tells all....
bumped Ranma on the head with his stick,
Tom: Hee Hee!
Joel: Bump to the head! Nah! Nah!
Crow: Bonk Bonk on the head! Bonk Bonk! Bonk Bonk!
hencing knocking him unconcious.
Crow: Hencing? Knocking? Can we choose a verb and stick with it, please!
While Ranma fainted, Kuno carried his beloved ( now, don't you throw up )
to his own house.
Joel: HUUUUUUURRGHHHH!!!
Tom: Too late.
Inside Kuno's house, Ranma was layed upon Kuno's bed.
Crow: Woah! Talk about cutting to the chase!
Joel: Lemon in, Lemon out.
Tom: Yes, it's the new lemon, "Ranma and Kuno Have Sex on Kuno's Bed!"
Joel: Not even Ryoucilo would stoop THAT low....
The lights were dimmed. Kuno was breathing hard,
Crow: (imitating Lloyd Bridges) By this time his lungs were aching for air....
Tom: You know you're aroused when even your breathing is hard....
Joel: Tom....
he knew what he was about to do. Yes, you guessed it.
All: KAREOKE!!!
KUNO: Oh my pigtailed goddess, please forgive me for what I'm about to do.
Crow: Master say forgiveness is divine but lemon is sweet....
Joel: Only if it's Master Happosai....
Kuno gently stripped Ranma's clothes off. A small trinklet of blood once
again came down Kuno's nose.
Joel: Get your finger out of your nose, Kuno-Sempai!
Crow: Can you buys trinklets at a gift shop?
Tom: I think only Hallmark carries those.
Ranma's breasts were nice and juicy as ever he thought.
Crow: But other places were even juicer!
Joel: Crow....
Boy, this was never thought of by anyone.
Tom: http://anime.muck.com/~sakura/main.html
Crow: Nuff said.
First time Ranma ever layed down his guard and sunk so low ( wait til
he finds out what happens next. Mind you, he is in his girl form).
Crow: Oh really? I thought Kuno was drooling over Ranma's male breasts....
Joel: Uurgh....please stop....
Kuno stripped off his clothes and went into the covers.
All: TOGGG!!!
Tom: Would it be clich� to say Kuno's gone undercover?
Joel: Yes.
Then as the lights were turned off,
Joel: (singing) Don't trust anyone when the lights are out in Georgia....
Crow: There was a scream, the sound of a brief scuffle and when the
lights came back on, a man lay dead on the floor, a dagger protruding
from the small of his back....
Tom: (imitating scary organ music)
Crow: (deep voice) WELCOME....TO MURDER MYSTERY THEATER 3000....
Joel: Cool....
he and Ranma in his girl form,
Tom: Ranma. Girl form. Got it.
believe it or not, made love.
Crow: Call me crazy but I don't think that term applies if Ranma's
unconscious....
When Ranma awoke two hours later, he was dazed.
Joel: ....and confused.
Crow: Like the rest of us.
Tom: Exit lemon, stage right....
RANMA: Huh......where am I? Wha? I'm in bed?
Crow: (imitating Ranma) Uh, Toggg?
Tom: I'd lay off the painkillers for a while, Ranma....
Ranma did feel someone next to him in the bed.
Crow: (imitating Ranma) Hey! This doesn't feel like vinyl!
Tom: There's already been enough poking around in the bed, thankyouverymuch!
Joel: Tom....
He pulled down the covers, and there, horrifying ( even for himher ) was Kuno, naked!
Tom: (snickers) Yes, that is quite horrifying!
Crow: He's almost as small as Shakari!
Ranma couldn't believe it, he felt like dying. If Akane or anyone who knew
about his curse, found out, he would certanly be called a " fagot ".
Joel: Nah, they'd fagot about it soon enough....
Ranma was too horrified to scream.
Tom: But I'm not. AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!
He touched his breast, they were there alright.
Crow: (imitating Ranma) Whew! Thank god I wasn't a guy when that
happened.
Tom: (imitating Ranma) Hey, this feels pretty good! I should have tried
this a long time ago!
Joel: Tom....
Finally, he recalled the memory of what happened.
Joel: *THEN* Ranma screamed.
He was embraced in Kuno's arms, then he felt a sudden pain in his head,
Tom: Man, Kunou sure has lousy aim....
Crow: Hey, watch what you do with that stick, Thunder Boy....
all went black.
Joel: I never knew Kunou played Roulette....
Then, he awoke in this strange room with Kuno, naked beside him while
he was still in his female form!
Crow: For those of you joining the fic so far....
Tom: Thanks for the recap, Sheep Sheep. Saves me the trouble.
He knew the worst was yet to come.
Tom: Spanking?
Crow: Fukaduk?
Joel: Guys....
RANMA: Kuno?! Kuno, wake up!!
Tom: Why wake him? Just go-go now!
Kuno slowly awakened. He smiled warmly and touched Ranma's cheek.
Crow: And stuck his hand under her other cheek.
Joel: Crow....
KUNO: Oh my pigtailed goddess, you were so sweet, ever so sweet.
Joel: But I thought lemon was sour?
Tom: It's lemonade! It's sweet!
Crow: Well, I'm bitter....
I never imagined this will ever happen.
Crow: Oh for the love of puppies! Just pick a tense and stick with it!
Will you marry me my love?
Crow: (imitating Ranma) Oh, yes! I *ALWAYS* marry guys after they
rape me!
Joel: Crow!
Tom: (imitating Ranma) I'd rather receive Jabba the Hutt anally....
Joel: TOM!!!
Ranma couldn't bare it,
Crow: She had a exclusive deal with Nabiki.
he ran to a room, it was luckly the washroom.
Tom: (singing) Luckly be a lady tonight....
He then locked the door and lost his lunch in the toilet.
Joel: Not to mention his breakfast and dinner from the night before....
Crow: (imitating Ranma) Now where the heck did I put those sandwiches?!
Tom: Then he brushed his teeth, chewed pack after pack of gum, burned
his clothes and stood under the running shower naked while screaming in
anguish....
Crow: And yet it *still* didn't compare to how sick he felt after eating
Akane's cooking....
As he got up, he looked at himself in the mirror. He was in his girl form
alright, no doubt about that.
Crow: Once again, gentle readers, if you didn't know Ranma was running
around butt naked in his female form, here's all the proof you need.
Kuno was already changed when he came back into the room. He looked
worried as he stared at Ranma.
Tom: (imitating Kuno) Did I do something wrong?
Joel: (imitating Kuno) Strange....Your eyes were sky blue a few moments ago
but now they're a blood red color....and why do you smile at me so
strangely...? It reminds me of my sister before she.....WAIT!!! NO!!!
AAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!
Crow: THAT'S going to leave a mark....
RANMA: Yes, happy now? I lost my lunch because of you.
Joel: That's not all she lost.....
Tom: Wow. Vomiting did wonders for her disposition.
Kuno pointed at Ranma.
Crow: (imitating Jackie Chan from Drunken Master II) I point! I point!
KUNO: You do know what happened to you while you were passed out,
do you?
Tom: No, you tell us!
Crow: Leave him alone Kuno! Can't you see Ranma's trying to repress
the memory?
RANMA: I dare not even think about it. What?
All: YOU SAID I DARE NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!
Crow: *I dare not?* Vomiting seems to have improved Ranma's
speech as well....
Tom: Yeah, who needs 'Hooked on Phonics' when we've got castor oil!
KUNO: I made love to you.
Joel: (imitating Kuno) And this time you were actually here!
Those words totally felt like the end of the world for Ranma.
Crow: (singing) It's the end of the world as he knows it....
He was more than devastated.
Tom: He was PISSED.
Joel: Yeah really, feel free to beat the living crap out of Kuno anytime
now, Ranma....
And all he did was kneel down and cry.
All: (singing) Can you feel the angst tonight....
A week later,
Joel: (imitating Gary Shandling) Okay, a week has just passed....
it was the second part of Ranma's worst nightmare.
Tom: The first was doing it with P-Chan.
Joel: Ick, Tom!
He just came back from the doctor, while in his female form.
Crow: Everyone get that? HE'S IN HIS *FEMALE* FORM!!!
Ranma, as in his female form believe it or not
Crow: F...E...M...A...L...E...!!! FEMALE!!!
was pregnant.
Tom: So? Just add water! Instant abortion!
Joel: Tom, you're coming dangerously close to a time out....
Tom: Sorry....
He was, or at least, in his girl form of course.
All: AAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!
Ranma had to break the news. But he was too scared. Ryoga Hibiki
walked in the room.
Tom: (imitating Ryouga) This fanfic is a dark and lonely place....
Ranma was seated on the floor in the dojo. Ryoga was curious.
Crow: (imitating Ryouga) Packing on the pounds, eh Ranma?
RYOGA: Hey, Ranma, what's up? Why haven't you changed back to
your normal male form?
Joel: (imitating Ranma) Because I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! So pretty and
witty and wise!
Tom: Guys, you think this is one of those fics where Ranma accepts his
true femininity?
Crow: Ew, I hope not.
RANMA: I suppose it won't do any good in hiding a secret, especially
one devastating like this one.
Tom: (imitating Grandpa Simpson) I am the Lindberg baby! Wah! Wah!
Goo goo goo!
You see Ryoga, I can't change back. And the reason is.........the reason is.......
Joel: We're being surrounded by ellipses! Ahhhhh!!!
Ranma seemed to drift away.
Crow: Looks like the reefer's finally kicked in....
As you probably might have known, Ryoga is the boy who is madly in
love with Akane.
Tom: Akane is the girl who is mad on general principle. Can they get along?
He has a terrible bad case of wrong direction,
Crow: And Sheep Sheep has a terrible bad case of wrong grammar.
always wears that stupid yellow black spotted bandanna on his head
Tom: Oh, and I suppose the great Sheep Sheep's fashion sense puts Ryouga's
to shame?
Joel: Shear it off! Shear it *ALL* off!
Crow: Joel....
and his cursed form from Jusinkyo is changing into that baby
black piglet.
Crow: (imitating Ryouga) Hey, shut up! At least I title my work!
Tom: (imitating Akane) Quit picking on poor Ryouga!
RANMA: You remember Kuno, don't you? That moron with the stick?
Tom: There's a lot of those in fanfiction I'll tell you what.
Well, it all started a week ago. Kuno, wanted to have a duel match with me.
Joel: Enough recapping already! This isn't a bottle of Smirnoff Vodka!
Tom: You drink, Joel?
Joel: No, but I'm coming close....
I tried to avoid him but with not much success,
Crow: Depends on your definition of success.
Tom: SCORE!
a nearby water sprinler
Joel: First we had Trinklets, and now sprinlers, what next? Droppettes?
Crow: Only if Ranma decides to visit the bathroom....
Joel: ....
changed me into my female form, as you see now.
(All groan loudly)
Crow: Oh brother! Even 'Ranko's Life' was less redundant than this!
Tom: Hey, we're not supposed to know about that MSTing!
Joel: It's a fanfic. You should really just fold yourself over a sword.
Kuno embraced me in his arms and knocked me out with his stick.
Joel: (singing) Embrace me, my sweet embraceable you....
I awoke in his house.....
Tom: A very very very fine house. With two cats in the yard, life used
to be so hard....
Crow: (imitating Butthead) Huh huh he said 'hard' huh huh.
RYOGA: Woah, woah, woah.
Joel: (singing) Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting!
Tom: (singing) Baby baby, I get down on my knees for you....
Back up, you, the Ranma Soatome let your guard down? Y'know, this
doesn't even sound like you at all Ranma!
Crow: No shit Sherlock! He's OOC!
Joel: Crow....
And, you awoke in his house?!
Tom: I think we've established that, yes.
RANMA: I woulnd't be so surprised now, Ryoga.
Joel: *Woulnd't* he?
Believe me, I'll tell you the worst.
Tom: It was the worst of times. Period.
You see, what was totally out of anything in anyone's mind,
Crow: Except for good old Sheep Sheep.
Tom: (imitating Sheep Sheep) Not even Rumiko Takahashi thought of this!
Joel: (imitating Rumiko Takahashi) I don't think about that....and neither
should you. So talk to Sheep Sheep instead! He'll do anything!
I found myself naked and in the same bed as Kuno. He was naked too!
Joel: Thanks for pointing out the glaringly obvious once again.
Crow: You know, I could be wrong, but Kuno might have actually *made love*
to Ranma's *female form* while they were in bed too. It's just a hunch....
Ryoga was nearly thrown off backwards.
Tom: Off what? Balance? Guard? His rocker?
Crow: Or did he just get off?
Joel: Crow....
He couldn't believe it.
Tom: Ryouga's sense of direction was so bad, he facefaulted backwards!
He, with his moth gaping open,
Tom: Too scared of cats to call it anything else, eh Ranma-Chan?
Joel: Tom....
Crow: Hey, c'mon, there are other words for that! Like-- (Gets muzzled
by Joel)
couldn't control himself as great heaps of laughter over took him.
Joel: (singing) Come on baby, don't fear the heaper....
Crow: This fanfic is a great heaping pile of....
Joel: Crow....
Crow: Bite me!
Ranma glared at him.
RANMA: I'm not joking you jackass!
Tom: (imitating Ukyou) Quit ripping off my North American Dubbed
lines, Ranchan!
I even lost my lunch in Kuno's toilet.
Crow: (imitating Ryouga) Oh, I've done that too. You wouldn't believe
the places I end up when I'm lost....
Now, what really got me was Kuno said that while aI was passed out,
Joel: Yeah, a good solid computer AI is really hard to find....
he deliberatly.......y'know........warm love.......
Tom: He farted under the sheets?
Crow: Oh, just spit it out! He did the horizontal mambo with you! He
put the dilly-o in your pickle jar! He slipped you the old one-eyed....
Joel: Okay, okay, you made your point!
Ryoga buried his head in his hands, he was totally shocked.
Crow: (imitating Johnny Depp in Ed Wood) No! No! You're not *THAT* upset!
RYOGA: No, this cannot be true! Ranma, this can never happen to you!
Joel: In fanfiction, anything is possible.
Tom: Which in most cases is a good thing....
I known you for a very long time, whatever happens to you, you always
come out okay. You save yourself.
Crow: For whom?
Joel: Marriage?
Tom: (imitating Ryouga) You've had hundreds of one-night stands before
and you've always been careful! What's the deal?!?
But this, this has to be April Fool's Day. But it's only May the 5th!
Ranma, is this true?
Crow: I guess being lost all the time doesn't give Ryouga much
opportunity to look at a calendar....
Tom: This fanfic is from the past sent 3 months into the future!
Joel: Tom, think about it, this fic was most likely written back in May.
Tom: Right and then it was sent into our future! Three months later!
Joel: That's not what I meant....(sighs)....never mind.
RANMA: I'm pregnant.
RYOGA: Wha? WHAT?!?! HOW?!??!!!!
Tom: If Ryouga doesn't know about this, he really has been wandering
too long....
RANMA: It's only in my girl form, okay?!
Joel: Oh good. Sheep Sheep spared us from the overused plot of the
pregnant man....
Crow: Whoopie.
Kuno made love to me in my girl form and now I'm pregnant. These
things can happen! Even with a curse, it could happen!
Tom: Especially with Sheep Sheep writing, it could happen!
RYOGA: ( LOL )
Crow: (imitating Ryouga) Ha! Ha! Ha! I just remembered an episode
of Frasier I saw last night! Niles is *SO* funny when he's horny for
Daphine!
Looks like you and Akane are now in " splitz ville ".
Joel: Population: Two.
Well Ranma, to tell you the truth, I think you make a pretty good mother,
stay being a girl. It suits you, lol!!!!
Crow: (imitating Ryouga) Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm sorry, it's just so funny, I
can't stop laughing!
Ryoga mockinly walked away,
Crow and Joel: (imitating music from the 'Wonder Years')
Tom: (imitating Ranma V.O.) It wasn't Ryouga's words that hurt the
most....it was the way he walked out of my life....
over taken with laughter.
Tom: Well, let's recap the characterization so far. Akane wants Ranma
to date Shampoo, Ranma is well spoken, Kuno is a rapist and Ryouga
is a heartless bastard.
Crow: Boy, I don't know about you but I can't wait to see what they do
with Kasumi....
Ranma was crushed.
Crow: Ha! Ha! Ha! Ryouga must have thrown a boulder at him to add
injury to insult! Ha! Ha! What a kooky guy!
The Tendo family found out the news as well.
Tom: ....having purchased it from Nabiki at the usual going rate.
Akane was so devastated by the news, she ran into her room and locked
it up tight, refusing any pleads of her coming out.
Tom: (imitating Akane) I can't believe it! He was supposed to be dating
Shampoo! How could he do this to her! That pervert!
Genma, Ranma's father
Joel: As opposed to Genma, male prostitute.
Crow and Tom: Urrgh....no....
was furious. He and Mr. Tendo ( Akane's father ) both threw Ranma out.
All: (singing) Domo Arigoto, Mr. Tendo....
He had been banished from the Tendo house and even out from his
own family.
Tom: (imitating Ranma) Well, I can't see my mom anyway....and now I
can't see Pop any more? Gee....what a shame....
Crow: Uh, why is Ranma the one getting blamed when it was Kuno's fault?
Tom: It's called "Blame the victim." Genma would make a great American
politician.
Crow: Yeah, but that was pretty obvious already.
Joel: I'm still wondering why Ranma hasn't beaten the crap out of Kuno yet....
This was surely Ranma's worst defeat. He had lost his virginity, he had
lost his true boy form and now he was preganat in his cursed girl form.
Tom: And worst of all, he was still stuck in this fanfic.
Crow: Some days it doesn't pay to get out of bed.
All seemed like an end.
Crow: Oh please let it be the end!
It was a storm that night.
Tom: Suddenly, a shot rang out! A door slammed. The maid screamed.
Joel: Guess that means the calm is over.
Ranma's clothes were damped and he was stuck in his female form.
Tom: (starts to vibrate) GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.....NGGGGGHHHH....
Crow: (imitating Kurt Russell) YOUR REPETITION IS BEGINNING
TO ANNOY ME....
Joel: Keep it together, little buddies....
Shivering from the cold, he sat in a corner of the alley. Ranma was too
afraid to see himself.
Crow: For fear of reading yet another description of his female form....
He even didn't know that he had fallen asleep.
Tom: And it took him quite a while to realize that he was dreaming and
not actually walking nude in a shopping mall....
Awaken the the next morning, Ranma found himself in a cave.
Joel: The cave of wonders....
Crow: You have to wonder....
Tom: No wonder he's so out of it, he's been living in a cave!
Crow: (imitating Ranma) Thong? Ator? You in here?
Ryoga was beside him.
Tom: Yet another mystery solved!
RYOGA: Hey, Ranma, you wake?
Joel: (imitating Ranma) No, I sleep. Perchance to dream.
Good. I have some news for you.
Crow: (imitating Ryouga) You know that big break from Ed McMachon
you've been waiting for your entire life? Well, you got a letter from
him saying you may have won 10 million dollars!
Actually, it will probably pain you more.
Tom: (imitating Ryouga) But that doesn't bother me. (giggle) Because
your pain (snort) is my pleasure! (giggle) I love kicking you when you're
down, Ranma! (heeheehee!)
Akane and I are engaged.
Crow: Well, it's nice to know Akane got over Ranma quickly....
Joel: (imitating Ryouga) In fact, we're getting married in five minutes!
I've sent you an invitation so it should arrive in a week or so.
(Heeheehee!!)
That's right, since I was the only man for her,
Tom: And since no princes from faraway lands have arrived to claim her....
it was brought down that we be wed.
Crow: (imitating Ryouga) and I told you to bring you down, girlie man!
(Giggle! Snort!) You suck, Saotome! You suck! Heeheehee!
Joel: Looks like Sheep Sheep is a fan of the Ryouga/Akane pairing.
Crow: Normally, I wouldn't mind, but since Sheep Sheep's writing this....
Tom: He'd better hope Kun-Chan doesn't get a hold of his ass....
Oh, and your father, Genma,
Tom: As opposed to your barber, Dominique....
he wants to adopt me, after losing his son Ranma forever!
Crow: Geez, Ryouga, you are EVIL.
Tom: Sheep Sheep's Ryouga makes Dr. F look like a pansy!
Joel: (imitating Ranma) Hey Pig Boy! Does the name 'P-Chan' ring a
bell? Does the phrase 'Pork Chops' mean anything to you?
Ranma was too sad to even speak. Tears poured down his hot flushed face.
Joel: This is really....dark.
Crow: I've got a bad feeling this is going to turn into a snuff fic, Joel....
Joel: Come on, Crow. Dr. F wouldn't send us a snuff fic, would he?
Tom: Jupiter was decapitated in *R*P*M*, Joel....
Joel: Well, I'm not giving up yet! Maybe it'll get better....
Crow: Sure it will, Joel....
RANMA: Just leave me alone......I don't even know if I'm actually a boy.
Crow: Well I suggest you make up your mind....SOON.
Probably I never will be again. I cannot change back, it'll be gross.
Tom: Yep, It'll make your period look like....
(Joel glares at Tom who stops in mid-sentence)
RYOGA: Let's face it, we both have a curse.
Tom: And his name is Sheep Sheep!
Joel: (imitating Ranma) Don't forget that, Pig Boy. We both have a
curse and I could reveal yours anytime I wanted to....
But here this Ranma,
Crow: (imitating Ranma) What? Speak up! I can't *here* you!
yours is more permanent, if you get my meaning!
Tom: (imitating Ranma) And yours are more numerous and
embarrassing, if you get *MY* meaning, *P-CHAN*....
Whatcha goin to do about bathing yourself now?
Joel: Oh great, Ranma's pregnant and alone and you're asking about her
bathing habits? What kind of pervert are you?!?
RANMA: I don't know if I'll take a shower again.
Crow: The water pressure in the public baths just aren't the same as
the ones in the Tendo Dojo....
This can't be happening, it just can't.
Crow: (imitating Ryouga) Yes it can! It's happening right now! And I'm
loving every minute of it! (Heeheehee!!!)
The months went by.
Crow: The fanfic went on.
Tom: The characters went bad.
Joel: Just another day in 'A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic'....
Ranma was now a beggar,
Tom: You think with his combat skills, he could at the very least become
a thief....
Crow: He had originally traveled to Thailand to beg but a strange gajin
with electricity in his eyes chased him away....
he ( or she ) was a very dirty person.
Crow: Oh, for pete's sake! She's in female form! It's *she*!
Tom: No it isn't! He's still a guy! It's *he*!
Joel: Guys, we gotta go.... (picks up Tom)
Crow: Not till we settle this! It's *she*, I tells ya!
Tom: No way, Jose! It's *he*!
Crow: You're crazy! It's *she*!
Tom: Uh uh! It's *he*!
* * *
SATELLITE OF LOVE
"She!"
"He!"
"SHE!"
"HE!!"
"All right, you knuckleheads." Joel's voice caused the two
robots to turn their heads. "What're you arguing about now?"
"Which pronoun to use for Ranma in girl form," Crow said.
"Everybody knows that girl-Ranma's a 'she,' but good old Tom here just
doesn't seem to get it."
"What's obvious is that you don't know what you're talking
about, Crow," Tom shot back.
"Hold it!" Joel shouted, attracting the robots' full attention.
"Let's settle this like gentle-robots, all right? A formal debate,
capiche? Three rounds, I'll moderate."
"And you'll pick the winner?" Tom asked.
"Um, no. Actually, Cambot will. I've been feeding him with Spam
from the Fanfiction Mailing List, so he should be programmed to handle
it." He continued in a slightly over-excited voice. "Mister Crow,
begin!"
"Ahem. Right. Ranma's girl-form is a she. Why is she a she, you
ask? Simple. She's a she for several very good reasons. Number one,
breasts. She's got 'em. Also ovaries, the absence of an Adam's apple,
and... certain other things that Joel won't let us mention. Thank you."
"Mister Servo, your response please!" Joel quickly said.
"Thank you, Mister moderator. It seems that my esteemed
colleague Mr. Crow forgets, or fails to mention, one thing. Even when
physically a woman, Ranma's mental self-image is that of a man. He
thinks of himself as a he. Everyone else, with the notable exceptions of
the Kunos, think of him as a he. Therefore, the narrator ought to also
refer to him as a he."
"Mister Crow!"
"Ahem again. Good quality writing is all about sensory
experience. Describing the way that the story looks, sounds, smells, and
feels. By any of these standards, how can girl-type Ranma be anything
less than a she? The soprano voice, the trim and slender body with those
incredible, enormous--"
Joel interrupted. "No hentai remarks allowed during the debate,
Mister Crow. Your rebuttal, Mister Servo!"
"Yes, let's talk about experience! The most important sensations
a character has are his innermost feelings and emotions. Ranma, deep
down, feels that he is a man trapped in the body of a woman. At the core
of his being, the very center of all that is him, HE IS A MAN! His body
just doesn't know it. Thank you."
Crow began without waiting for Joel's prompt. "MISter moderator,
quite obviously Mr. Servo is simply uncomfortable with the idea of a man
who changes into a woman. Therefore he feels the need to pretend that a
male character who becomes a woman is still a man. If Mr. Servo were a
fanfiction author, he would probably write stories about Ranma getting
drunk and telling dirty jokes as he watches stag films with Hiroshi and
Daisuke."
"I think our esteemed judge will find that it's Mr. Crow who is
insecure. Yes, insecure about his *own* manhood! If Mr. Crow wrote a
fanfic, it would probably be about Ranma draping his body in frilly pink
dresses and liking it!"
The two robots growled at each other for a few moments. Then, in
unison, they turned to Joel. "So, who won?" Crow asked.
"Oh, um, I dunno." Joel went back to his usual sleepy speech. "I
think we need to check Cambot's monitor." He stepped over to a
wall-mounted computer screen and read what was written on it. "Huh?"
*This debate is banned,* it said. *Please take it to private
conversation.*
"Aagh!" Crow said. "Who does he think he is? Cambalt?"
Before Joel could answer, lights began to flash. Buzzers blared.
He barely managed to slap the button on the table before the theater
doors began opening. "Whoa! We got fanfic sign!"
TO BE CONTINUED IN "A RANMA 1/2 FANFIC" PART 2.....
Hi there! I hope you're enjoying the MSTing so far! As with my other
two part MSTings, There's lots more to come in the second part so don't
skip it or you'll only be missing out on some great riffs. ;)
Sincerely,
Megane 6.7
