"You want more, Yoiko?"

Is this evidence that Ryouga has developed a sense of humor about
himself and his past?  Cute touch.

"Aunt Akane? And Aunt Ranma?"

Good one.  

"'Kay, Daddy. Can we watch Barney dubs now?"

God help us all.

A pity that Ryouga has lost his tendency towards vendettas by this
point.  "Aarrgh!  Everywhere I go, I hear that accursed song!  Damn
you, Barney, for making my life a living hell!  I swear I'll hunt you down
and make you pay!"  

I can dream, can't I?

	"I know all about what you've been doing, son. I've seen you
change back from pig to human several times in our bathroom. Saotome
here saw it happen in Jusenkyo. We let you go on with it in hopes that
it would make Ranma jealous enough to admit his feelings for Akane. Now
that they're getting married, I have to say that enough is enough. If
I see P-chan around here any more, I'm afraid I'll have to expose you."

You probably saw the version of this conversation Alan Harnum did in the
latest "Waters," also.  I like the way you both thought this one through.
It works well within the Tendou Soun mentality.

Ryoga had gotten lost regularly ever since then. His parents
never came to help him. They were as lost as he was. It was up to him to
find his way. Nobody was going to come looking for him...

Ever wonder how both his parents ended up with this lousy sense of 
direction?  I have a story idea in mind for an explanation...

Ryoga stretched his arms out in front of him, his palms facing
outward. "SHISHI HOKODAN!" He dug into the black depths of his pain and
depression, pushing forward until they coalesced into a solid mass. The
energy erupted toward the pig-tailed boy, driving into a tree with
hurricane force.

	Ranma stood, dusting himself off. "I'm talking about Akari,
idiot! She's been looking for you."

For some reason, I loved this moment - the way Ranma takes a 
superhuman energy blast, shrugs it off, and continues with the 
conversation... and NEITHER of them find anything odd about it.

"Don't say..." Akane rolled her eyes and gave an exasperated
sigh. "Ont-day ay-say ig-pay! Understand? Ont-day ay-say ig-pay!"

Very amusing.  I don't know if there's a Japanese equivalent to 
Pig Latin or not, but it's funny anyway.

	"You're really pigging out, Ryoga-sama. Feeling good?" Akari
asked.
<snip>

	Akari took Ryoga's hand. "I have to come right out and say it. I
want to be *your* wife, Ryoga-sama. I want to be the mother of your
piglets."

The pig puns are flying fast and furious here.  An amusing take on the
sort of repulsive diaolgue in which young people in love are prone to
engage.  With some effort, I managed to keep from throwing up.

At least he knew one thing, that Akari wasn't really Ranma in
disguise. He could just imagine Akari taking off a wig and revealing his
nemesis. *Ha! You thought there was someone who loved you? You dope!* He
had been fooled that way too many times.

Ha!  I love it.

I'd need to do a little research to find out if there's any way to
remove your friend's Jusenkyo curse."

	"NO! Er, I'm sorry, but that's not what I mean."

This is a welcome touch.  It's a hint that Akari isn't as saintly as she's so frequently
portrayed in fanfics which use her as Ryouga's love interest.  Part of the reason
she comes across as dull most of the time is because she's presented as being
so ultra-perfect.  

"I didn't know you knew any ancient Greek mythology, Akari."

	"Well, I don't know too much. But that story's one I always
liked. Pig-malion."

In the Old West, men were shot dead in the street for making puns
like that.

"I guess we should be going." Akari took Ryoga by the arm. "I'm
trying to scrape up enough money so that we can honeymoon in Hawaii.
I've got an uncle who's really crazy about the place, and he says he can
get us cheap tickets. I'm sorry for trying to fool you, Akane, and I'm

Oh no.  

	Ryoga tore open the wrapping and pulled out a bandanna. "Um...
isn't this..." He felt his forehead and found it bare. "Isn't this my
bandanna? The same one I always wear?"

The homing beacon is a very nice idea... but how do you account for
Ryouga's multiple bandannas trick?  Or does that simply get chalked
up to the general Takahashi "pulling stuff out of thin air" business?
(You know, the real mystery is why anybody thinks that Mousse's 
technique is any big deal at all, given the way that everybody ELSE
does pretty much the same thing at one time or another.)

Was this her way of getting rid of him? Maybe she really didn't want to
marry him at all, and everything she did had just been a joke.

I thought this was a good moment.  Ryouga is still qutie a fatalist, and it
would take him many years to learn to have faith in himself and in Akari.

Kaede the priestess is (sort of) based on a character of the
same name from Inu-Yasha. We'll get to know her better as this series
progresses.

For a moment there, I was worried that she'd "cure" Ryouga's sense of
direction, which would have been rather too convenient.  I should have
known better.  I get the impression that in Takahashi's somewhat wicked
universe, Ryouga would have a real problem holding on to that enchanted
bandanna... but what the hell, the guy has to catch a break SOMEtime.
And perhaps that will be a problem Ryouga encounters in his adventures
during the story?  Who can say?  Well... you can say.  We just have to
wait for you to do so.

I've stopped looking for sentence fragments when the narrative dips into
the character's thoughts.  I think I've belaboured that point quite enough,
anyway.  It's hardly a fatal flaw in writing - I've noticed a lot of my favorite
novelists do it too.  

Looking forward to more...

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless