Anand Rao <anandr@earthlink.net> wrote:

Belldandy's eyes snapped open as the alarm clock on her desk started
buzzing.  She yawned as she sat up, blinking the sleep from her eyes.   She
stepped out of bed and turned off the alarm clock before donning a thick
cotton robe.  She had set the alarm quite a bit earlier than usual.  She
was not used to preparing breakfast for two, and usually only ate toast and
fruit in the morning.  She did not mind the extra work however, and wanted
to make Ranma a good breakfast.  

Try for a little variety in your sentence structure. You've got a whole
paragraph full of "she did this, she did that" sentences here.

Her heart lurched and the blood drained from her face when she saw that his
bed was empty.  She closed the door and quickly ran down stairs to the
bathroom, anxiously knocking on the door.  As she was once again greeted
with silence, she opened the door and found the bathroom empty.  Steadying
her breath, she calmly backed away and walked into the kitchen.  (Was- was
it all just a dream?)  She wondered sadly.  (Was I so-,)  her thoughts were

Uncapitalize "she" and capitalize "Her"

interrupted the opening of her backyard door.  She quickly walked towards

by the opening

"What were you doing out in the backyard?" Belldandy asked with a smile.

"I was just working out, doin' some martial arts stuff," Ranma replied.  

You probably don't need most of these explicit attributions. Much of the
time it's obvious who said what from the context.

"Some do, my elder sister uses magic all the time.  My younger sister, on
the other hand, uses technology.  Skuld loves to build things.  She's
probably the best engineer around," Ranma paused, and leaned towards

around."

Belldandy, "don't tell -her- I said that, she doesn't need any more

Belldandy. "Don't tell -her- I said that. She

"I'm kinda like a general, Belldandy.  I get involved in some of the
battles between heaven and hell, and occasionally have to put some upstart
demon in his place.  Sometimes, I have to do that to a god too," Ranma
finished quietly.

Generals don't fight... they just bark out orders. :)

Ranma laughed and scratched the back of his head. "Don't worry about me!  I
can handle anything!"  He said confidently.

Uncapitalize he

"Why hello, Ranma-kun!  What can I do for you today?"  A female voice asked

Uncapitalize a

"What can I do for you Ranma-kun?"  Nabiki asked with a sigh.

Need a comma after you

"Why?  Did you want to talk to her?"  Nabiki asked.  Ranma could almost she

see

"Are you sure?  I mean, as I recall, you actually -cried- that last time,"
Ranma pointed out.

"Hey!  It was my first time!  Sure, I was a little scared and it -was- a
bit painful, but actually, I was sweating more than crying."

"Okay, if you're sure," Ranma replied, a bit dubious.

"I'm sure!  So, the next time you get back here, we'll go Sun Surfing
again, right?"  Nabiki asked.

D'OH!

"Right, right.  Just ask Kasumi for a day when the solar flares are acting
up and we'll go," Ranma agreed.

If she knows everything, she shouldn't have to ask.... :p

"That's okay.  Actually, I got a 'friend' in heaven who's gonna fix it so I
can be an exchange student or something in at your school.  It's not a big

Take out either in or at

"Oh, this is just balance practice," Ranma replied, casually walking the

Why does a god need to practice?

Belldandy stopped walking and slowing put her face in her hands.  Ranma,
noticing that she had stopped, jumped off the fence and quickly walked over
to her. "Is something wrong?"  He asked in a concerned voice.

Uncapitalize he

Ranma groped for a way to comfort her.

Um... you might wanna use a different word there to avoid the hentai
factor.... :-)

(God, her smile is like a sunrise!)  Ranma thought to himself, then started
as an old memory jolted in his brain.

****  Flashback  ****

Yes, we know it's a flashback. There's no need for the explicit warning
sign. If you can't tell that it's a flashback from context, you need
more context, not a sign.

"You know, I've seen you in the coliseum, training my yourself.  You always

by yourself.

Ranma looked like he was about to protest then silently agreed.  Mousse and

protest, then

Glad to see you back and continuing this!


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics