Subject: [FFML] [C&C] Mirror, Mirror.... Part 1
From: KLEPPE@execpc.com (Gary Kleppe)
Date: 7/31/1998, 4:56 PM
To: Carly Shields
CC: ffml@fanfic.com

Warning: Negative commentary ahead. This is not a flame, just an honest
reader's reaction.

Carly Shields <carlychan@yahoo.com> wrote:

We start of in Nerima Japan, near the district of Tokyo.  The sun

Don't refer in the narration to the readers. Describe things as the
characters would experience them, so that the reader gets the feeling of
actually being in the story instead of passively watching.
shone down in bright radiance, it's rays touching everything it passed
its. It's always means "it is."
making them all the brighter.  Birds were chirping from their perches
in the small trees, celebrating the first day of summer.  Koi  swam
contentedly in the small ponds laid out for them.  All seemed right in
the world, well that was to say all was normal for Nerima, because
>from somewhere well known in the town, a distant battle cried was
cry
heard.....

"RANMAAAA NO BAKAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!"

"W-w-wait Akane!!  I swear I can explain!!!!"  A small girl with red
hair cried out. Her pony tail stuck straight out in fear.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Cliche Fanfiction Opening from Hell.

I've never figured out why so many fics open with this kind of scene.
It's not "original flavor" in any sense that I can think of.
Takahashi-sama rarely if ever began a story arc this way. When Ranma and
Akane fought, it was pretty much always due to things that happened in
the storyline.

"EXPLAIN WHAT!?!?!  You were going through my drawers!!!  I told you
to never EVER come in my room!!!!"  Retorted back another young girl,
retorted (shouldn't be capitalized)
slightly taller than the red-head,
Redhead is a single non-hyphenated word.
and sported blue-black hair in a
sporting

"No problem Ran-chan!  Anything from you kawaii fiancee!"  Ukyou
When a speaker indicates whom is being addressed, always set it off by a
comma: "No problem, Ran-chan!" Otherwise you can end up with a radically
different meaning than what is intended.

[snip]

*****************************

Ranma walked solemnly through some of the more deserted streets of his
town.  His mind wondered on various problems in his life, his curse
which he always was thinking of, new techniques he wanted to learn
>from Calogne, but more often then not lately he thought of Akane. 

"Calgone, take me away!!' :-)

The last comment hit a nerve in Ranma, "Why you..!!  I wish I could
actually see the future!  Then I could see how you end up all alone
and withered because no guy would marry such a tomboy like you!!!"

"Well I wish I could too so I can see how you end up by yourself
teaching to half grade nobody's because you've lost all your skill and
nobodies
no one even bothers to fight you!!"  At the last comment a tear fell
Akane's face and splashed against the mirror on the ground.

Not only are these speeches really, really contrived, but they make the
rest of the fic completely predictable.

Some Translations that might be helpful

Instead of giving the translations, why not just write these things in
English? (Excepting things like okonomiyaki that don't have an exact
translation.)

Overall, there was some good character development, but it was
overshadowed by a whole lot of fanfic cliches. You don't need all of
that stuff. Your reader already knows that Ranma and Akane fight, that
Ukyo has the hots for Ranma, and so on. Your story will grab people's
attention much better if you start off with what's unique about it.


Gary Kleppe
http://www.execpc.com/~kleppe/comics