Hi Carly,
I've got to say that I liked this fic. Now a little C&C, I promise to
be nice :-).
<snip>
Bad Dreams
Please put the title in the subject line. If there is no title, many
people will immediately delete a fic. In this case, they would have
missed a good one, too.
<SNIP>
There was another light rapping from the door.
I thought Ranma always used her window. ;-)
"Yeah I'm awake Ranma....." Akane grummbled.
Ranma cautiously opened the door and stuck his head in, "Sorry for
bothering you..." He whispered.
Using the door and apologizing. Oh my!
Akane sat up and stretched out her arms. *I should hit him for waking
me up this early... but I don't have the energy....*
"Is it okay if I come in?" Ranma asked, a bit of nervousness in his
voice.
Akane looked at him with discretion, but assumed he wasn't hiding
anything so she let him in. "What do you want Ranma? It's 3 o'clock in
the morning...." Akane yawned.
I stumbled over the word discretion. I know what it means, but it
seemed out of place to me. I changed the phrase to:
Akane looked at him trying to determine his motives, but assumed ...
Is that what you meant? My dictionary describes discretion os the
freedom of judgement.
"Sorry about that. I... I just needed someone to talk to. I wouldn't
go to Oyugi, he wouldn't listen or fall back to sleep or somethin.
Nabiki would use it against me somehow. Kasumi...well... Kasumi's a
great person and all.. but sometimes she seems like she not all
there....." Akane frowned slightly to that remark, "I wouldn't go to
your dad. He'd probably take it another way and we'd be married by
now. I just figured you'd be the best choice.... as long as you don't
hit me or nuthin..."
I'm going to pick a nit here. Oyugi I've seen it spelled elsewhere as
Oyaji.
Akane looked at him in concern. He seemed more open than he usually
was. More like a small child comming to his mother after skinning his
knee by tripping over a crack in the pavement. "Are you okay Ranma?"
coming
Ranma shook his head slightly, "I had a bad dream... I know it sounds
like I'm being a baby. But it seemed so real. I just had to make sure
it wasn't is all.."
Akane nodded. She remembered back when she was a little girl. She had
a terrible nightmare and woke up in tears. She was going to run to her
mother. She'd make it all better. She always made everything all
better. She peeked into her parents room to find loneliness. Her
mother wasn't there anymore. She'd never be there. There was no one
who could comfort her when she had a bad dream. No one who could make
her happy by simply saying "I love you". No one would know what her
mother really meant to her.
"What happened?" Akane inquired.
After the preceding paragraph, I expected an emotion attached to Akane's
inquiry. Or was she not showing any to let Ranma open up more easily?
Ranma frowned slightly, "I...I was standing in the koi pond. I don't
know maybe you threw me in there or something." Ranma smirked.
Smirking, when he's asked her specifially for help? Maybe he said,
reflexively. (Is that a word) I mean that he said it as a means of
defense and lightening the situation.
<snip>
Ranma looked up to her in surprise, "Y...You're not going to make fun
of me?"
Not right now, let me wake up first so that I can think up some good
lines! :-)
Akane seemed hurt, "Why would I make fun of you for something like
that?"
Ranma lifted his hands up defensively, "G-gomen! I didn't mean it as
an insult or anything I..I just..... thanks Akane, for listening to
me.."
Akane smiled, "It's okay. You can talk to me anytime."
Ranma blushed to her smile, "Thanks Akane. You know, I bet you'd make
a good mother some day." Ranma jumped to his feet and waved her
goodnight as he exited her door.
Blushed to her smile? Maybe Blushed at her smile?
Also, the last sentence here caused me to stumble during my read.
Maybe:
Ranma jumped to his feet and waved goodnight as he exited her room.
Akane could feel her face turned bright red. "Ch-ch-children?" Akane
shook her head and laid back down. *Children huh?* Akane smiled. *I
bet if I ever am half as good a mother as my own... my child will be
happy...*
The first sentence in this paragraph also caused me to have to re-read
it. Might I suggest something along the lines of:
Akane felt her face warm as she blushed crimson.
Akane shook her head and closed her eyes, "Good night Ouka-san...."
She whispered.
Goodnight, Oyaji, goodnight onee-san, goodnight John-Boy. ...
I hope that I have't offended you with any of my C&C. I liked what I
read and look forward to reading more of your works.
Mike Allen
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