Kodachi Solves a Mystery

Written by Aaron Shattuck

Edited by Chippy the Transvestite Gnome

All the characters and stuff belong to Takahashi Rumiko (I use the 
Japanese name structure, aren't I hip?), Shonen Sunday, and Viz the 
Great Mistranslator (but at least they don't skip entire volumes, eh 
Toren Smith?). Nobody gave me permission to do this, and I doubt they 
would if I asked. Maybe they would if I said I was a retarded little 
kid, I'm sure that I could use a lot of my writing to convince them of 
that.


	Still, quiet, dark, unoccupied. All these things described the small, 
cozy room, shortly before the window burst open, showering glass along 
the floor. Through the now empty frame, stepped a triumphant Kuno 
Kodachi, holding her handsome lover, Ranma-sama, under her arm. Her 
entrance into the room itself, was elegant and graceful, until her 
recently purchased wedding dress snagged on a remaining piece of glass 
in the window frame. After some tugging, she was able to release 
herself, without causing too much damage to her lovely dress. She felt 
positively giddy! She had made it! She had finally freed her beloved 
from the clutches of those evil hags! It hadn't been easy, in fact, it 
was quite a harrowing chase... Kodachi began to scratch an itch on her 
back, only to discover its cause, a bonbori lodged within her dress. 
Casually throwing the object on the bed, she reflected for a moment. It 
seemed almost disappointing, now that she had finally won. After such 
hard effort, her goal had finally been reached, but then what? There was 
marriage of course, but... Then it became entirely obvious to her what 
she should do. She grasped Ranma in a tight embrace, her entire body 
trembling with excitement at his closeness. He didn't say anything, he 
didn't need to. She gazed at him lovingly and...
	Kodachi frowned. On closer inspection, it seemed that her handsome 
lover, was not quite as handsome as he used to be. It wasn't that he his 
face had become unattractive, as much as... difficult to see. Kodachi 
strained the rusted gears in her brain to get moving.  Now what was the 
problem with her darling Ranma-sama? The pig-tailed witch didn't have 
him in her clutches... it wasn't that... she could tell because he was 
with her where he belonged, as opposed to somewhere else, where the 
pig-tailed witch could have him in her clutches. Kodachi's head began to 
steam from the effort. His face... wasn't very clear because... 
because... The martial arts gymnast was suddenly distracted from her 
deductions, by the feeling of dampness. It felt as though drops of water 
were falling on her. Reluctantly, she lifted her hand from her beloved's 
buttocks and touched one of her shoulders. Definitely wet but... hmmm... 
too sticky for water, she decided, rubbing the substance between her 
fingers. She then stared at her fingers, they appeared to be... red. 
Looking at the top portion of her wedding dress, she was horrified to 
discover that it, too, was red. And she had paid so much for a pure 
white dress to reflect her pure white soul! The utter tragedy of it all! 
It was quite possible, that she wouldn't be able to go on! After sobbing 
profusely for a few minutes, she was suddenly struck with a brilliant 
point of reasoning! Why had the top portion of her dress turned red? She 
was absolutely certain that she had purchased a white dress. She wasn't 
even sure if wedding dresses came in red. Kodachi's mind reeled, so many 
strange things were happening! The lack of visibility of her beloved's 
features, and the mysterious changing of her dress' color! Could they 
possibly be... she hesitated to think so wildly... connected? Deciding 
on the direct approach, Kodachi pulled her groom close and leveled her 
eyes with where she figured his would be.
	"Ranma-sama, I feel as though there is something strange with you 
tonight," she told him in a concerned voice.
	"Blop! Splut!" he replied, and Kodachi was horrified to find that 
everything had become red! She fell back in shock, clutching her head in 
her hands. This shouldn't have been happening to her! She had been 
taking her pills regularly! Well... mostly regularly. And now...! It was 
all too much, she began to wail, tears streaming down her face like 
little model replicas of Niagara Falls. Oh, the shame! Cursed to be 
blinded to all, but one color for the rest of her life! How would she... 
Suddenly, it seemed that the colors had returned! All the colors in the 
world were once again existent for her viewing pleasure! Especially 
black! Filled with joy, she danced around and gave her beloved 
Ranma-sama a big kiss... and ended up with a mouth full of something 
salty. After sufficient spitting and coughing, she was once again able 
to breathe properly. Curious, she raised her fingers to her lips and 
then inspected them. Red. That color was becoming a bit of a problem 
that day... 
	Logic began to frantically bash at the steel walls of Kodachi' s 
consciousness. It wasn't someplace it wanted to be, but it had its 
principles to uphold...
	Kodachi began to walk hesitantly towards her beloved.
	"Ranma-sama...?" she asked.
	Ranma replied by falling to the ground.
	This was definitely peculiar. Her Ranma-sama, was not a man to fall so 
easily. Always, he would face life with his feet on the ground, except 
maybe occasionally with his feet in the air if she had anything to do 
with it..." Kodachi began to grin, but quickly shook off such thoughts. 
There would be plenty of time for that later, after the mystery had been 
solved.
	The lovestruck woman knelt down to her husband-to-be and stared at him 
intently. Without question, there was something wrong with him. In fact, 
it seemed as if... he was shorter then he should have been.
	All the pieces began to flood together: the problems with seeing his 
face, the red liquid, "Blop! Splut!," his continued silence... and 
completely failed to connect in Kodachi's mind. Logic had taken to 
screaming and cursing at her.
	Suddenly, inspiration struck her. She took her hand and brought it down 
on her beloved's head, only to find that it didn't seem to connect with 
anything at all and instead landed on the floor, in a puddle of more of 
that red, sticky fluid. Like some alien space-craft beaming it into her 
twisted brain, which might well have been what happened, the truth 
dawned on Kuno Kodachi.
	"Oh!" she exclaimed, slapping her forehead in embarrassment. Ranma-sama 
just didn't have a head any more, that was all! It was no wonder that it 
had come off, what with the high-speed chase through the those rather 
low tunnels, and the hiding under the corn thresher and all that! She 
was surprised that more of him hadn't become detached! Of course, this 
did pose a problem... A husband without a head, just didn't really work 
all that well. Heads were things that husbands should have, really. 
Putting her hand to her chin in contemplation, she looked around the 
room.
	Needs a head... needs a head, she thought. Finally, her eyes lay on the 
bonbori that that horrid Chinese floozy had thrown at her. It would be 
perfect!  Humming a happy little tune, she propped her darling 
Ranma-sama up, and stuck the hilt of the bonbori down his exposed neck. 
Then she backed up and had a look. No... it still wasn't quite right... 
Searching around the room a bit, she finally found what she was looking 
for. Triumphantly, she waved the paper bag and magic marker in the air. 
She quickly drew a smiley face on the paper bag and stuck it on the 
bonbon.
	There! Now her beloved was whole once again! Filled to the brim with 
happiness, as well as a few other emotions, she turned on some Barry 
White music and turned the lights down.

	In a completely unrelated incident, due to the effects of several 
magical Chinese spices, four chimpanzees and an egg beater, Kuno 
Tatewaki decided to elope with Muu-muu-chan, the duck. Needless to say, 
the duck was not quite pleased with the situation, but had little choice 
in the matter.


I wonder if I'll ever stop writing stories like this one. Probably not. 
Anyhow, if you feel mysteriously compelled to write to me, direct your 
messages to dilandau2@hotmail.com. If you don't write, I'll be forced to 
talk to myself again and every time I do that, someone's pets disappear. 
It's uncanny.


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