It's a good start, and I like the concept,  but the story moves way to
fast.  You could write a whole story about how Mousse is cured of his
duckdom.  And for that matter,  you could write stories of how he learns
the other techniques.  You seem to imply this story spans at least several
days..if not weeks.  Ranma and the others did not learn their techniques in
one day or a few days...not even Ryoga and the Ultimate Breaking Point
(though Cologne worked him hard....but she knew what she was doing). Have a
few scenes where he gets clobbered by his own weapons,  or pulls out the
SDF-II from his black hole,  something unexpected.   

Just twisting the end of the story is no fun.  Your readers have to be
pulled in by something stronger than the 'Lets give Mousse godlike powers
now..and take away the training potty' plot line.  Don't twist it near the
end,  but don't make the story so convoluted that you lose the reader.
Your writing style is not complex,  	and should work well to do this.  

Anyway...back to dreaming the world....and adjusting the vocabulary....(Did
I actually say convoluted?!?!?!?!).

		Tom 'Dreamshadow' Tjarks

C&C? Send 'em to mabli@idirect.com

Author's Notes: I know this is the normal 'something happens and someone
solves everything for everyone fic' but there is a twist near the end of
the fic. If I could actually stop putting it off. Mousse is probably my
favourite character and I think it's about time for him to have things
happen to him. Old enemies,fiancees, etc.

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Dreamshadow
Flashnet Technical Support and Anime Otaku Extreme
Member of the S.D.F. III and VT Pilot in the Ghost Warrior Squadron
'Murphy was an optimist.....'
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Web Page @


http://www.flash.net/~tntjarks
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Email @
dreamshadow@flash.net
doctor.who@flash.net
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