Mark Ferrer wrote:

mabli@idirect.com

This is my first fanfic so don't give me lots of contructive critisism.

I really think you mean _do_ give me lots of constructive criticism.

By the way, you forgot to put the title of your fic in the subject
header.  That's a serious mistake, since lots of people decide whether
to read a fic based on the title.  I inserted it in the heading of theis
C&C.

I've noticed a lot of people leaving out the title lately.  What's up
with that?

Note: I've taken some liberties with some/all of the characters. Sorry,
I couldn't help it. This fic also has small crossovers and references

You could help it if you wanted to.  I find a lot of "taking liberties"
is a sign of sloppy writing.

A Different Brand Of Mousse Part One

A Ranma 1/2 fanfic by Mark Ferrer

So _now_ we get the title.  You might want to put it at the very top,
above all the disclaimers and junk.

     It was a rainy day in Nerima. The students in Furinkan High were
cooped up in the school during lunchtime looking out at the never ending
rain. The contractors renovating Ucchan's were taking a break, still
amazed at the damaged it sustained without crumbling to pieces. Soun and
Genma were as usual playing shogi.

What was the point of this paragraph?  None of the characters or
locations mentioned are as yet ready to play any part in the story.

     At the Nekohanten, two fighters were squaring off. The lull in
activity had prompted Mousse to try out what his latest training journey
had brought with it. Shampoo was breathing lightly while Mousse was

Against Shampoo?!  What, did he finally snap?  Go insane?  Decide to pay
back Shampoo for all the humiliation she's caused him?  That's the only
reason Mousse would ever fight Shampoo.  Now I could see him going to
try his new stuff against Ranma, but...

Oh, and Mousse is better than Shampoo is anyway.  If he did fight her,
she'd lose.

Don't tell me that he thinks he can "win" Shampoo by defeating her. 
There's absolutely no reason to believe that.  If you're going to make
that premise part of your story, you need to say so outright.  It isn't
something readers are going to assume.

panting hard and his clothes were in disarray. Mousse couldn't believe
he had gone for a whole half-hour against the one he loved. His training
improved his endurance and he was coming closer and closer to being able
to hit Shampoo before his instincts took over.

Why would he want to hit Shampoo?

     Mousse woke up to the sound of birds chirping. He couldn't hear any
sounds of a city so he jumped up to see where he was. He was in the
middle of a clearing in a forest. He took a deep breath of the sweet
air. <Hmm,> he thought. <the air's too sweet to be Japan. Could it be
China?>

     "Welcome back to China." a voice behind him said.

     Mousse turned to see a masked man approaching him. He dropped into
a defensive position and said, "It's nice to be back but I'd like to

Wait, is he human again?  You didn't say, so I had been assuming he was
still a duck.  Is he a naked human, or did whoever changed him back give
him his robes and weapon?

return to Japan if you don't mind." The masked man put up his hands and
said, "I am not asking for a fight young man."

Remember this.

     "I want to help you." the masked man answered. "You have been
ignoring your training far too long, you are cursed and you cannot see
without your glasses. I am going to try to solve every one of your
problems."

Mousse hasn't been ignoring his training.  He trains all the time.  The
other two are problems, but not all that serious in comparison to his
emotional problems.  I mean, he can still use weapons as a duck, and
wearing glasses isn't so horrible.

     "I'm going to help you because you have the potential to be the
most powerful human on earth." he said calmly. He smiled at Mousse's

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!  Yeahright.  Tell me another tall tale, Mr. Mysterious
Stranger.

surprised reaction. "But first, I want to test your current fighting
ability." He seemingly grabbed two swords out of thin air and slashed
them at Mousse.

Two things.  First, he specifically said he wasn't there for a fight. 
Is this guy a lying scumbag?

Second, why the hell would he need to test Mousse's ability?  He
obviously already knows a lot about Mousse.  I'm sure he already knows
as lot about Mousse's ability.

     <He knows Hidden Weapons...> Mousse thought. He let his chains fly
but they were dodged and got lodged deep into the tree behind the masked

>From where? Is he wearing his robes again?

man. "You've always relied too much on your chains Mousse." the man said
sternly.

See?  He doesn't need to test Mousse.

as he could. He threw both axes at the man. The masked man stood at the
perfect position for both axes to pass by inches past his head. <Love
that sound!> he thought. He snapped out of it just in time to dodge the

Who thought?  Mousse or the masked man?

potty trainers Mousse threw. "Mousse, try to counter this!" he said.
Again, from thin air, he took out two huge spiked balls and swung them
around his body.

He's not even pulling them out of his robes?  Just thin air?

with the wind coming from the balls!> Mousse started to panic. <Damn, no
choice but to try my final attack.> He got all his weapons ready for the

Or maybe he should try running away.  After all, Mousse has no stake in
this fight.

     "The problem with that attack is that you really do use all your
weapons." he said thoughtfully. "I will teach you that attacks the will
allow you beat any of your rivals. In a while, you may be able to beat
Cologne, or Happosai."

And if you believe that, I have a bridge in Brooklyn I want to sell you.

     Mousse, still shaken from the fight asked, "This may sound weird
but, could you help me get them all back?" The masked man closed his
eyes and concentrated. All of Mousse's weapons seemed to fly up and go
into a pile near them. "That is one of the techniques I will teach you.

telekinesis?

For now, put all your weapons back, then got to the hut at the end of
the trail." He pointed to a trail going deeper into the forest and
walked to it.

If I were Mousse, I wouldn't trust this guy.  He still hasn't given his
name, nor has he really explained why he wants to "help" Mousse.

     <Shampoo, I must leave for a while, but when I come back, you will
be mine.> Mousse thought. He started the long and tedious process of

He's already left.  Just that the wording seems strange.

itself. He saw a chair and sat down in it. He continued looking at his
new surroundings when a door opened, the masked man exiting from it. He

I generally think of a "hut" as being a one-room type of thing.

Thinking back, I think forgot to tell you my name. I guess I was just
anxious to meet you. My name is Gel." Mousse nodded and asked, "If you
don't mind my asking, how do you know me?" "A valid question, but
unfortunately, I don't think I should answer that for you right now. It

You're mushing all the speeches together, so it's difficult to tell who
says what.  Each time a new person starts speaking, it should be the
start of a new paragraph.

would not be good for you to know who I am at the present moment. You'll

But he just introduced himself?!

swung back shut, becoming one with the wall. <This place is weird.>
Mousse thought. He looked around, it looked like a weird type of
bachelor pad. He saw some trophies, animal heads, and ornate weapons.
What he couldn't find were photos. There wasn't a single photo in the
house. At least in the living room and dining room which he was

So now it's a house with living rooms and dining rooms?  Before it was a
hut.  Maybe you need to go back and change those earlier descriptions.

you like some tea?" he asked. Mousse made his way over to the table and
sat down. "Sure. I haven't had any good tea since I left China." he

For some reason, I like this remark.

Jusenkyo curse. Forgive me." Mousse looked down at himself. He still
couldn't explain it but sometimes, when he turned back, he was naked and
other times he had his clothes on. This time being one of the latter.

Oh?  I always figured it was just one of his hidden weapons tricks.

"Am I really cured?" Mousse asked. Gel threw the remains of the cold
water at him and then finished his tea. Mousse stood stunned, not only
at the ice cold water, but the fact that he was no longer a duck. "This

That seemed way too simple.  There's got to be some sort of catch.

paper as he walked back through the hole. He couldn't even to begin to
decipher what it said. <Can a human possibly write this?> he thought. He
gave it back to Gel and asked, "How do you make it?" "Simple," Gel said,
reading over the ancient manuscript. "You stand perfectly still and keep
your mind clear of all thoughts while I read the incantation.

So it's a team effort?

it and commanding it to follow you." Gel read off the sheet. He looked
up and said, "This part is completely up to you. If you succeed in
controlling it, you'll have full control. If you fail, you disappear
forever. There is no halfways. Only true masters of Hidden Weapons can
fully control it. Think of this as another test." Mousse took a deep
breath and stepped in.

Geeze, shouldn't Mousse take as nap?  Rest up?  Write out a last will
and testament or something?

took a good look around. His world now looked exactly like Gel's rolling
hills and valleys except for Gel's obvious enhancements. "All in a day's
work." Mousse said to the wind. He looked back to the opening and
stepped outside. <I can customize it later.>

For all that build-up, it doesn't seem like Mousse had all that much of
a problem.  Only a Hidden-Weapons master can do it?  What's the big
deal?  It wasn't so tough.  You might want to rewrite so that there's
some actual struggle involved.

     The outside world had turned dark so he went inside to Gel's hut.
He couldn't help but feel as if his life was finally turning around.
<Now Shampoo will be mine!> he thought. He smelled food cooking. It

I doubt it, but hey, he's delusional.

smelled like a dish from the Nekohanten. He heard sounds of explosion
and gunfire in another room so he cautiously moved towards the sounds.
He saw Gel watching Macross Plus in the living room. "Dinner will be

This place has an awful lot of luxeries for a hut in the middle of
nowhere.  What, does Gel have electricity wired in from the nearest
town?

shoulder. "Sorry, about that." Mousse said. "Time for another
discussion." Gel said, turning the TV and DVD player off. "The Black
Hole technique requires you to make your own world and also to be able
to move things with your mind." "Telekinesis?!" Mousse exclaimed. "Yes,

So will learning _this_ technique involve any actual effort, or will it
be yet another incredibly useful ability that Mousse picks up with no
effort at all.

You know, that Black Hole technique is really beginning to annoy me, the
more I think back on it.  Mousse learned it like it was nothing!

snapped out of the wall and into his hand handle first. "I'm a natural
at this. I have a good feeling that you're a natural too." he commented.

Yeah, I just bet you do.

     Mousse looked at the hole caused by Gel's knife. He took out his
own knife and threw it onto the wall. <If he can do it, I can too.> He
concentrated and tried making it come to his hands. He was snapped out
of his concentration by a crashing sound. Gel came out and asked, "What
happened?" Mousse shook his head and said, "I don't know. I just tried
doing what you did and then crash." Gel looked at the room. It was still
how he left it. "I know what it is." he said with a smirk. He stuck his
head out the window and his thoughts were assured. "You definitely have
the power, you just have to work on your aim." He motioned to Mousse to

<totally disgusted>  Oh, _come on_!  At least there was a chant before! 
How would Mousse have any idea how to even begin to try something like
that!  This has just gotten silly.

Mark, why are you in such a hurry?  It's like you have to have Mousse
learning everything in one day, with no effort.  It just isn't
credible.  With a little rewrite, you could change it into an extended
training period of months to just _begin_ to learn how to use those two
abilities.  You could make Mousse really work for this stuff.

     Dinner was full of talk about the new techniques Mousse was
learning. He found out that when you combine well controlled telekinesis
and the use of the black void, you would become a very formidable
opponent. "You could move the void wherever you want, meaning that if
you stepped inside and made it move somewhere else, you had the power to
teleport. With telekinesis, you could form a barrier to shield yourself

So what are the limitations?  What are the drawbacks?  Come on, there
must be some, otherwise everybody would be using this stuff.  There just
_has_ to be a very large other shoe waiting to drop.  And if there
isn't, I'll be very disappointed.

yes, Mousse immediately thought of the possibilities that were being
opened to him. He could easily take on Ranma and anyone else he wanted
to beat. <A good test would be fighting Cologne or Happosai.> he

Or hey, why not both at once?!  After all, he's been gifted with godlike
powers for absolutely no reason and with no effort and not paying any
sort of price.

And you know what?  He'd still lose.  Because his _real_ problems remain
unresolved.

     Mousse lie awake in Gel's sofa-bed wondering what to do with his
new powers. He was well on his way to mastering his new techniques. In

My personal warning signal.  When characters start to acquire "powers"
as opposed to techniques or skills, take a careful look at if it is
reasonable that they do so.

and telekinesis. Why is Gel so confident about my abilities? Who is he?
How does he know so much about me and my situation? were just some of

Oh, for...  HE'S YOU FROM THE FUTURE!  Could it be any more freaking
obvious?  Note that I've been C&Cing as I go, so I haven't even read to
the end of the story yet.

final victory. <It was going to be great. When I get Shampoo, I'll
return to the village and we'll get married. I'll be her husband and
then...> He was stunned at what he had finally realized. If he went
back, he would be treated like a lower form of being. He would lose all

You know, I've never noticed Shampoo treating Ranma like a lower form of
life.  Of course, she's always treated Mousse that way, but I just
thought that was him.

came around. He could still remember the time he challenged Shampoo and
got knocked into the trash.

start flashback

This sudden stage direction seems really out of place.

     Gel walked into the living room where Mousse was sleeping on the
sofa bed. 'Lady-killer' he thought with a smile. He hefted the water

That seems a strange thing for him to think.

Mousse as if he was transparent. "Your eyesight is what causes you most
problems, correct?" Mousse nodded. "There's a way to overcome that

Well I wouldn't say that.

while. It is necessary to give you the Mind's eye to cure your problem."
he said, still staring though Mousse. "Mind's eye?" Mousse asked,
completely confused. "Very few people have that power. It allows you to

But I can give it to you without any effort whatsoever!  At no cost to
you, the consumer!

see better than anyone in the world. It allows you to see more than a
normal person's eyes. With it, you could be watching something happening
on the other side of the world as if you were really there." Gel said.

I give up.  Mark, I understand your desire to write a fic where Mousse
wins a little.  But come now, is there really any need to make him into
Superman!

Mind Meld. Mousse jumped back instinctively at what he saw. He saw
images of things happening around the world and beyond. He saw Ranma
getting booted into the koi pond, Shampoo on her delivery, American
astronauts in a space shuttle, people fighting in a war, foreign looking
people having a picnic, people in dark rooms making multibillion dollar
deals, aliens conversing in an alien language, the latest Playboy photo

But remember my son, you must never use these abilities to interfere in
the course of human destiny!

subsided and he saw Gel slumped over him, breathing hard. He moved to
put Gel back in his seat when Gel's mask fell off revealing who he
really was.

You might want to go back and mention the mask a few more times.  I
hadn't quite realized he'd been wearing a mask this entire time.

the fic. If I could actually stop putting it off. Mousse is probably my
favourite character and I think it's about time for him to have things
happen to him. Old enemies,fiancees, etc.

You're making him a mite too godlike.  I'd say cut the power of all
those new abilities to about one twentieth of whta you have them now.

Also, Gel _isn't_ "solving everyone's problems".  I wonder if he even
realizes that?  Mousse is still basically a very screwed up guy.  He's
just now a very screwed up guy who's a lot more powerful.

-- 
Matthew Campbell 
E-mail me at mgcampb@clemson.edu

"For the engineers among us who understand that the obvious
is not always the solution, and that the facts, no matter
how implausible, are still the facts..."