Hmm.  Is it my turn now to hazard some criticism towards a well-
written story by a respected author?   

Up to this chapter, things have been going very well.  Interesting
premise, colorful writing, everybody staying pretty close to being
in character (though Ranma seems to have grown a few more 
ounces of brain than usual - certain liberties are justifiable, given
the kind of story this is).  I had some real problems with this 
chapter, though.  

Why not?  Are we to assume that Akane hasn't learned any special
techniques simply because she doesn't want to?   I'm sorry, but this
really doesn't seem to fit with Akane's feisty personality.  If you 

have

some reason why she'd reject learning these powerful techniques,
I'd suggest that you include it.  

This is the critique that sounded most accurate to me, as well.  I'm not 
saying there couldn't be a reason, just that the absence of a complete 
explanation (or at least a hint, for cryin' out loud!) causes the 
exchange to ring false.

I've seen this convention brought to bear in fanfics before, and I must
say that I find it very unconvincing.  It assumes two things:

1) Akane is a better fighter when she uses a mallet than at any other
   time.
2) Pulling a mallet out of nowhere is, somehow, a big deal.

The first point is hard for me to swallow.  When Akane lashes out and
tags Ranma in anger, she does so in any number of ways.  In the 
manga, her preferred method seems to be the skyward boot.  In both
the manga and anime, she also tends to grab whatever blunt object is
handy and thump him with that.  Why she's able to nail Ranma 
sometimes while she's completely incapable of hitting him at others
is a question which fanfic authors have answered in various ways.  
But making the assumption that she is somehow more accurate or
skilled when using a mallet is introducing an element to the Ranma
continuity which is simply not present in the source material.  

I don't think it's necessary for your story.  For Ranma to decide to
finally take an active hand in training Akane is a plausible enough
character development, given the way the story has gone.  The 
whole mallet thing is an unnecessary distraction, and a version of 
this scene without the mallet business would be much stronger.

That's my take on it, anyway.

I would say there's room for compromise, here.  If not the mallet, one 
can certainly argue that Akane is a much better fighter when her anger 
is focused on a single target--and _that_ sounds very close to some of 
the canon discussions of chi.  So, if you drop the hammer, that still 
leaves a way for Ranma to broach the subject of chi techniques.

    
I dislike this portrayal of Ryouga, though it is within the bounds of 

his

character to behave the way in which he's behaving.  I also find the 
portrayal of Akane here unconvincing - she is usually much 

kinder-natured

towards Ryouga, much more willing to give him the benefit of the doubt.
You could make a case that, as her feelings change towards Ranma,
she's adjusting her view on Ryouga as well.  This is a very radical 

shift -

she takes a cheap shot at what is essentially a disability for Ryouga 
(his sense of direction).  Yes, she has taken cheap shots at Ranma in
the past about things which aren't his fault, so it is conceivable that
she'd do the same to Ryouga now... though the emotional dynamic is 
extremely different.  It isn't very palatable to me, but I can swallow 

it as 

plausible.

I would argue that Ryouga made a fatal flaw, too, by hitting Akane's 
most sensitive spot--her relative lack of skill.  The "cheap shot" only 
came after he made her feel as if he thought she could not defend 
herself adequately.  Since Ranma had been taking her seriously that 
whole day, it is reasonable for her to do an about-face.

However, this Ryouga at the end here is simply not the one we know.
His reaction to Akane's words is to stare in shock, then to wander off
later.  I submit to you that Ryouga would be utterly shattered by such
a cruel admonishment from Akane.  His reaction would be far, far more
extreme.  

The thing to remember is that we don't see his reaction from his point 
of view.  Remember, in the past, when Ryouga has felt "unworthy" or 
"rebuffed" by Akane, he has just faded into the sunset in a bout of 
depression.  (I'm thinking, in particular, of the "Date" story arc, in 
which Ryouga decides he's been unfaithful to Akane by falling for the 
disguised Ranma-chan, and walks off.  Of course, P-Chan wanders right 
back in, but that's the direction-sense acting.)

This 'fic uses a fair few Japanese words.  I've tried to use them
only where the meaning they express is more precise than the English
equivalent... or where there is no easy equivalent in English.  I've
attached a glossary.

I think you're overdoing it with the Japanese inserts.  Knowing the 

words

is interesting, but I find it very distracting and I haven't seen where 

it adds

much to the story, or clarifies the concepts which you're trying to 

express.

"Jiji," for instance, says nothing more to me than "old fart" would, 

nor do 

I see why using "oyaji" is any more effective than saying "stupid old 

man."

  Actually, at least one of the gags in this part would have fallen 
totally flat if not for the use of the Japanese.  This is one of those 
personal taste things, and I doubt any five list members would pick the 
same level of usage.


Just my two bits on a series I am finding enthralling.

--Freemage

Grayson Towler
grayson@rigroup.net

http://www.rigroup.com/~grayson/relentless

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