General comment: please, put a space between paragraph. It makes the
text a whole lot easier to read. 

Could you be specific?

Also, run it through a spell checker.

I did.

Grammar checkers and OOC checkers would be nice but they don't exist, so
I won't complain on that score.

I have a program w/a grammar checker, it just bites! I counts the end of a
line as the end of a sentance...

As fer OOCness, sorry. It's hard to capture what the chars act like since:

a)We can't ALL be Takahashi!
and
b)different people have different opinions on chars personalities. 
(ie. I think Mousse is a obsesive weirdo *shrug*)

Everyone seems to speak pretty much the same here. The dialogue seems
pretty flat. Even Shampoo's speech is barely different from the rest.

With Shampoo, I wanted to give her a little more credit, so I made her talk
like in the *original* manga, which is perfect Japansese. (check out any fan
trans', it's true!)

As for others, it's either you have them talk one way, where they sound like
normal people, or you have them talk another way, where they sound too
repeated and dull (ie. the constant use of "Ranma no baka!!!" with Akane, it
REALY bugs me...)

This is a tough one to get right, but without it, a story will sound
odd, especially if there is a lot of dialogue. 

I'm going to touch up the dialog in the revisesal.

(snip)

"<So this is Tokyo. Make's me wonder why I left Tailand...>" thought

Thailand

Oops!

(snip)

My, he ate that quickly. You would think either the ramen or the tea
especially would spill, running like that.

So what do you suggest??? 

(snip)

only seaming to acknowledge

the

seeming

*grumble* Damn spell check...

(snip)

"Aaahh, that was a good meal. I think I'll train a bit now." Ranma

exclaimed

Ranma normally trains before meals, not after.

How am I going to know that!? 

(snip)

"Gee, thanks for the new clothes!" Maverick said to Cologne as he
straitened the red bandanna tied around his neck.

Clothes don't seem like the sort of thing Cologne might give out like
that.

"Maverick continues to dress like a Jurassic Park extra..." Gotcha!

(snip)

"You sure he'll come?" he asked still twirling his sword.

If it is outside teh dojo, it would be difficult for Ranma not to come.

He could sneek out the back and avoid him *shrug*. And before you say "Ranma
isn't the type to run from a fight." Remember, Maverick doesn't know that.

By the way, you spelled "the" wrong. ^_^

(snip)

"I'll admit that it was my idea to have you two fight, but you need the
training anyways." she said calmly

full stop.

What do you mean by that???

(snip)

Tenshi Amaguriken (spelling)

You forgot "Katchu"...

(snip)

Somehow this doesn't feel right using Mav as a shortened form of his
name. It would not be so jarring if a character had already addresses
him as mav.

Gomen. I'll fix that up...

(snip)

"You think I was going to waste all that training time to learn!?"

Who said this?

Who is bald, old and has no moral code.

(snip)

This feels contrived. Kasumi is kind, but not this much.

Good point. I'm changing it to Maverick not paying attention to Soun's
question and accepting the offer.

(snip)

kuro is not a family name. It is a given name. Seeing as you have
researched some pretty obscure stuff, I'm pulling you up on this one.

Kuro is an actual name!?!? I'll be damned! Well I guess I'll have to come up
with something else...

But what is a Canadian doing with a Japanese given name as his surname
anyway?

Didn't the fact that he's Japanese in background occure to you?

He's Canadian on his Mother's side, he gets his looks from her.



---Petes-kun
Founder of the SCG
Current Emperor of Jurai
Hoarder of Ranma hentai! H_H
http://www.angelfire.com/mo/scgcompound/index.html
"POW!!!" -Beastie Boys