Gary Kleppe wrote:

dhomeric <dhomeric@jps.net> wrote:

These are the new chapters.

A few random comments:

- Please try to word wrap your stuff at 70-80 chrs per line when you send, to
make it easier for people to read.

I redid them and remailed them.  I had no idea they weren't
word-wrapped; my test mailing looked fine. 
 

- Ukyo's (I presume it's Ukyo) accent is way overdone IMO. Transliterated
accents have to be done in moderation, or they sound cheesy.

- The story is good so far, but it still doesn't seem to have gotten past the
introductory stage. You've done a fine job in introducing characters the way
they are in the future; now bring some of them together to interact.

In my defense, there's an awful lot to introduce.  We have seven new
characters, an entirely post-manga relationship, and two family
situations to establish.  I'll need at least one more introductory
chapter dealing with the younger Hibikis and the Tendo twins, which I'll
probably insert between chapters 3 and 5.  

In fact, I may drop chapter 4 entirely; Ukyo isn't a major player and
Hidoshi's had plenty of development.  It's just a bit of fun, and if
it's not fun, the story's better off without it.

-- David