At 02:03 PM 7/20/98 GMT, you wrote:
This is my first time reading and critiquing this part, so I'll fire up the
old critiquing machine and get to work :)
HEARTS AND MINDS PRELUDE TWO
UKYO KUONJI: NAME AND LIKENESS
Ranma 1/2 manga fanfiction
by Gary Kleppe
Kuonji Ukyo leaned back in her chair behind the grill. The
diners had been served, and there was nothing left for her to do but
wait for them to finish so she could clean up after them.
To Jason: Diners sound more appropriate (see next sentence ("...clean up
after them"))
The customer finished eating and handed over his payment. "It
was delicious, ma'am. Much better than... that other place." Most of the
customers had learned long ago that mentioning the name of the other
place around Ukyo was a bad idea. "I wish we could afford to eat here
more often, but... damn recession..."
Hmm... Modern events (don't know if Japan's out of it yet, though Asia's
not in its best state right now)
To think that she once dreamed that her food would one day be
world famous, that people from all over the world would be
coming here to taste her cooking. There was no way that that was going
to happen now.
Is there evidence from the manga that she wants that (Memory lapse) or it
something you made up?
Ukyo was happy to see a familiar face. "Kuno! Is it really
you?"
"Indeed it is, and it gives me great pleasure to meet an old
friend."
To Jason: I've read Manga Vol.1-30. Ukyou usually conveniently disappears
when Kunou shows up :) (like in 12-1 to 6) in 25-4 to 6, Ukyou's there but
we don't see Kunou. In 27-11, they're both in school, but they don't
actually interact (due to age difference and stuff like that) It's likely
they haven't met in the manga, but they may have some time later, before
the Hearts and Minds continuity.)
______
Tatewaki pulled up a chair, as his host had suggested.
To Jason: It's most likely that there's a tiny bit of time passing (as they
pull up chair and get settled down) that Gary doesn't want to include for
our sake ^_^
To Gary: Do you approve of genderless titles? Or you just didn't want to
write "hostess" because of the gender implications of the word?
"I am most grateful for whatever assistance you will be able to
provide, Kuonji Ukyo." Tatewaki looked at the okonomiyaki chef. Her hair
was slightly unkempt, and her clothes looked old, torn in spots.
Nevertheless, she was obviously in excellent physical condition, with
the potential to be an extremely attractive woman.
Hmmm... Kunou and Ukyou... a strange combination, but it could work.
Tatewaki watched as Ukyo cooked. "I shall need to begin by
contacting the Tendo Dojo and the Hibiki Farm," Tatewaki said. "From
there, we can work on locating others."
Now I forgot HaM's Ryouga prelude, but why is it the _Tendo_ dojo and the
_Hibiki_ Pig Farm? Ranma's not married yet, is he?
Seven years ago, Ucchan's had had all the customers its staff
and facilities could handle. It had been a time of simpler worries and
problems, though they seemed just as serious at the time...
Has Ukyou been keeping in shape? (i.e. training in between her work schedule)
"A man," Ukyo said plainly. "Since you didn't ask, I thought
y'all knew."
She has the habit of doing that. First with Tsubasa, now with Konatsu.
"Tomorrow let's eat at the Otaku Bell. The food sucks, but at
Your choice of names scare me, Gary. :)
"Hey, who asked you?! Stupid jerk!" Ranma shook a fist at the
transvestite
Wow! Such control by Ranma (But Akane already punted him out the door :) )
Akane intercepted Ukyo's arm. "That's enough!"
Jason: Who said Akane actually *agreed* to Ranma's leading her out the
door? :)
Ukyo paused. She could wipe the floor with Akane. But what would
be the point? She tossed the two okonomiyaki boxes to Ranma. "Go." Her
voice was flooded by an ocean of pain.
And Ranma remains... "untouched." Sigh.
Pain. The pain was a weight that crushed down on Ukyo as she lie
in her bed, so heavy that she couldn't possibly push it away.
Do you *really* want to use pain that many times, Gary?
From then on, Ukyo wanted nothing more than to become Mrs.
Saotome Ranma. She had swallowed the bait; hook, line, and sinker. She
I thought "hook, line and sinker" implied success (well, I guess it is on
Ranma's part)
Akane won. Ranma had chosen again. He still liked okonomiyaki
better than Ukyo.
Wise words, Gary :)
"You need to find someone else... someone who can love you the
way I can't. Please, Kon-chan... I don't want to see you hurt the way
Kon-chan? *Kon-chan*???
Months passed. The unexpected closure of the Nekohanten meant
even more business for Ucchan's. The restaurant's reputation spread far
and wide. Throughout Nerima and its surrounding areas, everyone knew
Ucchan's as a place for excellent food at reasonable prices.
How come that sounds familiar... like a Subway commercial...
The teenager then sat upright with a look of ultimate pleasure, as the
screen dissolved into a psychedelic animated scene.
Nice word you used there... and who said the piece of candy wasn't laced
with hallucinatory drugs anyway (they sneaked it through the government :) )
And Mikado's sometimes psychedelic anyway, no drugs needed at all :)
One of them, the
one in the pig-tail, had according to some actually been a boy; but
Mikado didn't want to think about whether that might have been true.
So why doesn't Mikado kiss Azusa, anyway? :)
Abruptly, a mailbox slid down the sidewalk, seemingly under its own
power. It kicked up a cloud of dust as it careened toward Ukyo. A voice from
within cried out, "Charge!!"
Jason: No. "We only take Visa and MasterCard, not American (Mail) Express"
^_^ Okay, so it was lame ^_^
"Hmmm..." Nabiki's eyes devoured the document, quickly scanning
>from page to page. "Interesting."
I never knew Nabiki practiced law :)
*Sorry, Ran-chan. But I've learned something important about myself.
Add a star here :)
*I like okonomiyaki better than I like you.*
Waaaah! :)
"Many thanks," Tatewaki said, as he handed Ukyo his empty plate.
"I had forgotten how delightful the results of your culinary talents
were. Truly, as long as you live, the name of Kuonji Ukyo will stand for
comestibles of the finest quality."
By all rights I should hate the result that Ukyou's in (Ukyou definitely
deserves better)... but you say it in a way which makes it impossible :)
Excellent prelude... keep them coming!
----------------------
Jonathan Ng
jonathan@worldy.com
alternate address: jonathan_ng@my-dejanews.com
"It feels like ten kilos of life in a five-kilo box." His voice
gained in strength and lightened in tone. "I can only feel a trickle now,
like dust motes floating in a sunbeam, one by one, just moving through me,
but it's just so right there's no describing it. It tickles a bit, feels
like a first kiss or the jolt you feel when the flux in sabacc just makes
your hand better than what you were already betting." - Two Jedi trainees
discussing the Force
-Excerpt from I, Jedi, P.96, (c) Michael Stackpole