In a small room in one of the lower decks of the mighty ship of war,
the Nadesico, a clandestine group unknown or at least unwanted by most
of the crew skulked and schemed. The three mysterious figures cackled
as they prepared to launch their evil plan.
Akito: Greetings, fellow members of the Nadesico Anime Club. I think
today's selection will be most educational for our purposes. It is a
delightful little fanfiction known as Joining The Families.
Seiya: This isn't another one of those "Genma gets Akane drunk and
pregnant and they run away together" fics is it? I hate those.
Akito: No, for it contains the seeds of our triumph!
Hikaru: Triumph? We have a goal? I thought this was just an anime club.
Akito: Our goal is nothing else than the complete and utter
otaku-ization of the Nadesico! Are you with me?
Seiya: I am with you, Tenkawa-kun!
Hikaru: Men...
Akito: Anyway, watch and learn. Let the fic begin!
---Matthew Campbell <mgcampb@clemson.edu> wrote:
A short-fic that's half ridiculous and half creepy.>
"Uniting the Families"
Seiya: I thought it was Joining the Families.
By: Matthew Campbell
C&C welcome
Characters property of Rumiko Takahashi. I'm going to burn for
using them like this.
Akito: Burn... burn... BURN!
Hikaru: Feeling a little bit OOC today, Akito?
This fic is darkish in a weird way. Nothing too graphic though.
***********
Genma took a swig of his sake and sighed. Once again,
things between Akane and his son were going....
Seiya: Are you sure that "...." is necessary? The sentence as "Once
again, things between Akane and his son were going poorly" might sum
it up as much as you need to.
Hikaru: You're such a stickler for detail.
poorly. He
dodged idly to one side as an Akane-thrown chair impacted the wall
next to him.
He knew he really ought to go in and intervene, try and
help the two patch things up.
Akito: Isn't there a word missing in this one? "He knew he really
ought to go in and intervene, to try..." or something like that?
The truth was, he just didn't feel like
it.
Hikaru: Lose the comma, buster.
Akito: Overpunctuation. Just say no.
Hikaru: Who are you to talk, Akito-kun?
Akito:...
This fight didn't seem any different from dozens of others he'd
seen. Perhaps it was best to just allow the two "lovers" to work
through things on their own. After all, what was the hurry?
Soun suddenly appeared in the doorway on the opposite
side of the room and made a beeline towards Genma. The sight of
his old friend made the head of the Saotome family sigh again.
Akane had just stalked off, leaving Ranma sitting on the floor and
rubbing his head. No doubt Soun would demand they come up
with yet another plan for uniting the families. Luckily, it
shouldn't
be too hard to talk Tendo into a round of shogi instead.
Hikaru: Luckily? Maybe if "it wasn't too hard" "Luckily" would work
here. However, in the current sentence perhaps "With luck" might work
better.
Soun's face looked tightly controlled, and he didn't even
bother to offer a greeting. He whispered into Genma's ear,
Seiya (imitating Soun): We've wasted enough time on them,
Genma-sempai. Marry me now!
Akito: That's sick!
"The
Master summons us."
Genma felt puzzled. "No Tendo, you must be mistaken. I
saw Happosai heading out to gather panties not an hour ago. He
really isn't back so soon, is he?"
A note of panic appeared in Soun's eyes and some of his
usual emotionalism slipped into his voice.
Akito: Emotionalism? I think there's another word that might work
better.
Hikaru: Its not a word in the first place.
Akito: So what do you recommend, Hikaru-chan?
Hikaru: I don't know. Trying to retain the original sentence structure
and meaning is difficult. "Some of his usual blank..." is hard to
keep. If this information is necessary, try rearranging the sentence
so "emotion" would sound okay.
"Not Happosai. The
MASTER summons us."
Seiya: SATAN!!!
(Hikaru and Akito facefault)
All the blood drained from Genma's face. Oh yes. _That_
was the hurry. He forced a smile upon his lips, but it came out as
more of a horrible grimace. "Well then we'd better oblige him. The
Master hates to be kept waiting. You fetch Kasumi, and I'll get the
supplies."
Hikaru: Perhaps its just some emminent mob boss with a fetish for
innocent twenty-somethings.
Akito: *sarcastic* Sure, the Godfather 1/2 right?
Seiya: No, its SATAN!!!
Akito: *Hits Seiya over the head a mallet*
Genma forced himself to keep a normal pace as he walked.
No hurry. Nothing out of the ordinary. Nothing to see. He kept
the mantra up in his head as he carefully pulled a locked box out of
a cabinet. The exterior was typically clean.
Akito: The exterior of what was typically clean?
Seiya: And while were railing on this poor innocent author who's never
done us any harm, does typically mean that it was clean like
everything else or clean often?
Hikaru: Have some mercy, Uri-P!
Seiya: No! Muwahahahahah! SATAN!!!
It would have looked
suspicious if Kasumi had avoided that one cabinet. The interior,
however, was full of dust. Kasumi would never think to open it
and clean inside. Rather, she never _could_ think to open it.
Hikaru: Those last two sentences seem a might awkward. Try kicking
around these. *Bangs a gong*
(Inesse appears on videoscreen)
Inesse: It was not just that Kasumi would never think to open it and
clean inside. In fact, she _could_ never think to open it.
(Inesse disappears.)
Hikaru: Well, something like that anyway.
He wasn't surprised to see Soun had already managed to
gather in his eldest daughter. Kasumi was always so compliant.
Soun had confessed he had been having a little trouble with her
before Genma's return. Not much, just a little.
Seiya: That not much just a little part? Lose it. Excess repeated
info. And combine the next sentence with the Sound had confessed one
with a "but" or something like that. And lose the "though". Much more
concise that way.
Akito: Don't you guys even care about whats going to happen?
Seiya: No, we just want to deride this poor author into a state of no
self esteem until he decides to write a fanfic entitled "Ryoga Gets
Lost Again, Meets Me While Having A Bad Day, and Puts Me Out Of My
Misery". SATAN!!! EVIL!!!
Akito: But I'm already writing that!
Hikaru: Jeez, everyone is OOC today.
With both of them
working, though, they'd soon managed to sort her out.
Akito: On top of that, they had taught her skills to give her amazing
powers. Including the ability to suck a golfball out of a garden house.
Seiya: If you don't get that one, go read the fic entitled "Golf Ball
Through A Garden Hose" by some author I don't remember the name of.
Genma watched Soun check the locked on the room
carefully.
Akito: Again, excess wording cuts into the flow. Try "lock the room
carefully" instead.
His friend was always careful, now. There had been that
one incident with Nabiki, years ago, that always haunted them.
Akito: This is where it starts to get creepy.
Seiya: This is also where there is an extra comma or two.
Akito: You're a cold and evil man.
Seiya: No, just a rough and tumble guy who's tough as nails.
It
was long over and done with, of course. The INFLUENCE
couldn't possibly have lasted so long. That predatory look he
sometimes saw in Nabiki's eye, that was just normal human greed.
Seiya: Riiiiiiiiiiight. Just like how that predatory look he sometimes
saw in Happosai's eye was just the normal lust of an old man.
Genma abruptly decided to check the locks himself. Just
to be sure.
Kasumi looked puzzled when Genma brought out the
rope. She couldn't have done anything to stop them anyway, but
Soun suggested she sleep. No need to borrow trouble. Kasumi
dropped right off. Yes, they had her sorted out.
Seiya: This paragraph has some awkward parts to it. Perhaps moving the
"Kasumi dropped right off" info and combining it with Soun's
suggestion as its own sentence. Something like "She couldn't have done
anything to stop them anway, but there was no need to borrow trouble.
Soun suggested she sleep and Kasumi dropped right off. Yes, they
certainly had her sorted out."
Akito: Why don't you just rewrite the entire story for him.
Genma then pulled out a small package and carefully
slipped one item from it. Placing the item in the crucible, he
quickly
lit the small flame below. It would take a moment to heat up.
"How many do we have left?" Genma jerked in
startlement at the sound of Soun's voice.
Seiya: You could make this a little more concise. Such as perhaps
Genma started at the sound of Soun's voice.
Akito:I feel a dark omen.
Seiya: Right, thanks for reminding me. On top of that you could have
an Ultimate Implied Pun! Sound and Soun sound similiar, ne? Try sound
of Soun speaking. Its even got alliteration!
They had been working in
virtual silence, tasks long rehearsed.
Hikaru: At tasks.
"What?"
Akito: Huh?
Seiya: Nani?
Hikaru: Que?
Akito: What?
Hikaru: En espanol!
"The teeth," said Soun, gesturing at the package. "How
many virgins' teeth do we have left?"
Hikaru: *wretching* This fic just took a turn for the gruesome.
Seiya: I think it is creative.
"Oh. Three. We're going to have to replenish out supply
soon.
Seiya: Their supply is openly gay?
Hikaru: I think he meant our supply.
Can't take the risk of running short." Genma clinked the
package uncomfortably.
"Something wrong?" asked Soun.
"Always reminds me of going to the dentist."
*All three start to laugh when Genma says this*
The two men shared a brief laugh, which was cut short as
the tooth burst into the flame. Not that the fire was nearly hot
enough to produce such a combustion, but under the circumstances,
that was hardly a concern.
Seiya: Another excess comma. One more of those and I will go on a
violent rampage!
In unison, Genma
Seiya: *Foaming at the Mouth* AORI!!! ADJHK!!!!
ADALHDALKJDHIOAUSEOIUG!U!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!
Hikaru: *Hits Seiya over the head with a Mallet*
Seiya: I'm alright. Feel good.
and Soun chanted, "Thaziroth we
summon thee. Thaziroth we summon thee! THAZIROTH WE
SUMMON THEE!"
Akito: This is what I was telling you about. Watch and learn,
otaku-chibi.
Seiya: No Satan? *pouts*
*Hikaru and Akito facefault*
As they hit the last repetition, Genma made
sure to secure a firm grip on his glasses.
A short burst of hurricane force wind suddenly emanated
from Kasumi.
Seiya: Man what has she been eating?
The duo were only able to retain their footing
because they were expecting it.
A horrible bluish-yellow skin tone began to spread across
Kasumi's face. There was a cracking noise as her head began
slowly to rotate. It failed to stop at the physical limitations of
her
neck motion and continued, until Kasumi's head had undergone a
complete 360 degree motion.
Seiya: *Imitating Satan* Let Jesus f**k you!
Akito: Did somebody show him the exorcist recently?
Hikaru: *Looks away, whistling*
"How long must I wait? How long will you poor excuses
for servants deny me my power?" The voice was not Kasumi's
usual sweet tone.
Akito: Really? Are you sure?
Instead it was a horrible snarling sound that sounded
physically improbable coming from a human throat. The chattering
of insect, the screaming of tortured souls, the sizzle of burning
flesh, and beneath it all Genma thought he heard...... But no, that
was merely Genma's personal dislike. It seemed unlikely that
Thaziroth would deliberately assume the measured speech rhythms
of a circus clown.
*Akito bursts out laughing*
"Have I not granted your desires?" Not-Kasumi
continued. Its tone seemed more cajoling now, but Genma
recognized that as the calm before the storm.
Seiya: *Imitating Kasumi* I am no longer Kasumi. I am the Dark Overlord!
Hikaru: Did somebody show him Howard the Duck recently?
Akito: *Looks away, whistling*
Hikaru: *Voice brimming with sorrow* Oh Akito, you didn't...
"Soun! Did I not give you with the home and dojo of your
dreams?
Akito: Try "bestow you".
You could never have hoped to gain this splendor on your
own. Genma! When you own laziness and ineptitude prevented
you from advancing in the Art, did I not grant you skills far beyond
what you could have learned on your own?" Thaziroth sounded
genuinely put-upon.
For an instant, Genma wished for a bucket of cold water.
Just for an instant though. He doubted the all-seeing one would be
either fooled or amused by 'just a cute panda'. Instead he contented
himself with following to his knees and groveling on the floor.
All Three: CROUCH OF THE WILD TIGER
"Master, have I not served you these past ten years? I did
my best to spread pain and suffering at every turn. I left nothing
but misery in my wake as Ranma and I traveled the land," Genma
said nervously.
"Mere crumbs at the table, compared to what I will have.
Let us instead speak of Ranma." Genma swore he could hear a big
red nose honking softly. "I ordered you to raise him with nobility
and honor, to be a paragon of all the virtues of man. The greater
the light, the greater my power when I corrupt it. Now Genma,
would you say you have done this?"
Akito: *Imitating Genma* Sure. I mean, he's still a virgin!
Seiya: That wasn't funny.
Hikaru: Not in the least.
Seiya: Keep trying.
Genma tried not to look into the eyes of not-Kasumi.
Not-Kasumi wasn't making it easy. Her eyes seemed to draw him.
Maybe it was the blood pouring out of them.
Seiya: *Laughing* Blood pouring out of the eyes!
*Akito and Hikaru facefault*
Genma conjured up
memories of some of Ranma's past behavior and shuddered.
Finally, he had to answer.
"I did my best. I mean, come now. It isn't exactly fair to
expect _me_ to teach someone to be virtuous. I-"
"Fair?! FAIR?!!!!" Genma suspected he might have
chosen the wrong word.
"You clumsy fool! He is arrogance personified. His
thoughtlessness and pride alone could feed one of my lesser
brethren for centuries. Only the fact that he is but still barely
suitable for my purposes, only the fact that he is not actually evil,
makes me spare your life."
Seiya: I take he's never read Ill Met By Starlight.
The part about 'spare your life' made Genma perk up
considerably. "Well there, you see? Everything turned out fine."
"And who told you to train him in martial arts?" There
was that damn honking again.
Genma looked to his friend for support, but Soun was too
busy cowering, grateful at not being noticed. "Well it just seemed
like a good idea at the time. I mean, you never actually forbade
it.
Besides..." Here Genma's voice took on a whining note. "I wasn't
the best. You gave me skill, but I was never the best!"
"I-" Thaziroth paused as a cockroach crawled out of
Kasumi's mouth, and scurried up into her hair. "I never promised
you would be the best Genma. Only that you would be greater than
you were." There was definite amusement in the devil's voice. For
Genma, it conjured images of unicycles and funny hats.
Genma still felt as though he had been cheated, but of
course he couldn't exactly say so not-Kasumi's face.
Akito: To not-Kasumi's face.
"If I could
never be the best, I determined to make my son a tool of my
vengeance. Through him I could humiliate those greater than I."
Thaziroth just sat there in Kasumi's body, dripping blood
and staring at Genma. Finally it said, "My tool Saotome. He is my
tool, not yours."
"Of course Master."
Soun unfortunately chose this moment to add, "You have
our eternal loyalty Master. Always, from the day we pledged
ourselves."
"OH? I seem to recall a day when you ran to a holy man.
When you begged him to destroy me. Do you remember that day,
Soun?"
Akito: I'm getting another bad feeling.
"Master, we knew your power would far exceed his own.
We just brought him so that you might consume his soul and gain
power." Soun grinned a 'please believe me' grin.
Akito: A really bad feeling.
"Hmmm. Regardless, recall how easily I clouded his mind.
How I convinced him to accept you as his "pupils". Through you, I
was able to begin his slow corruption. The excesses and sins of his
youth, sins he had long overcome, I returned to him a thousand-
fold."
Akito: Like really bad. Like some evil revelation is hanging over my
head and I can't quite place it.
"Indeed you are great Master," Genma hastened to offer.
"I enjoyed it, but you didn't, did you Genma? Didn't enjoy
catering to his whims, bringing him food and drink, slavishly
fulfilling his every desire in an effort to bring him to ever greater
debauchery. Remember that lesson next time you would think to
oppose me.
Akito: I'm scared.
Seiya: Read on. Nothing could be that bad!
Remember Happosai."
*All three scream*
A low laugh crept from
Kasumi's lips and seemed to reverberate in Genma's very bones.
Back when Happosai had returned, Genma had hoped for
just a moment..... But no. Even Genma, who knew what he was
looking for, could barely see the remnants of the great and good
man Happosai had once been. The corruption was complete.
Akito: You're telling me.
Truly, Thaziroth was mighty. Of course, that didn't mean that
Genma enjoyed having the old man about, ordering him around.
That particular punishment of Thaziroth's was supposed to be
_over_!
"Enough of recalling your pathetic attempts at betrayal! I
summoned your attention for a reason." Green slime was beginning
to coat the surface of Kasumi's skin. Not-Kasumi was becoming
agitated.
"I require a sacrifice." Thaziroth just let the words hang
there, heavy in the air.
Genma looked carefully at Soun, and realized Soun was
looking back at him the same way. If it came down to one of
them...
"Not each other, idiots. I require a purer soul to nourish
me."
"But Master," Soun whined, "You said the energy of my
wife would sustain you for years. I helped you drain her slowly, so
that you would gain the full benefit of consuming her soul."
Seiya: Ouch. Now thats a bitter twist.
"It has been years, fool!"
"Oh. Good point. Genma and I will pick out the perfect
victim for you, Master."
Both men furrowed their brows in concentration,
considering the alternatives. "Nabiki?" offered Soun.
"The Master said pure, Tendo"
"Right. What about that Ukyou girl? You've been
cultivating her misery for some time."
Genma shook his head. "No good. She distrusts me. It
would be too tricky to try to push her through the necessary
preparations." He let his gaze drift around the room, but it was
inevitably drawn back to one point. Staring at not-Kasumi,
Genma's eyes widened and he shouted, "I've got it!"
Soun shook his head. "No good Saotome. We need
Kasumi to contact the Master."
"Not her, Doctor Tofu! He seems pure enough, and it
should be easy to use Kasumi here to entrap him." Genma felt safe
for the first time since the session had began. Despite Thaziroth's
words, Genma knew the demon would be perfectly willing to eat
his soul if he and Soun had not been able to find someone else.
There used to be three of them after all......
Akito: Genma, Curly, and Soun.
"This would not be necessary if it weren't for your
accursed delays. Answer me, Soun and Tendo. Why are your
children not married? Why does Akane not bearing Ranma's child?
Why is my new vessel not prepared!?" Not-Kasumi's head did
another full rotation, just for emphasis.
Genma hung his head. "I don't know master. We have
been applying love charms since the day they arrived. Ranma
should be smitten with Akane. He shouldn't be able to feel even the
smallest desire for any other woman."
Soun added, "My daughter's heart should have been long
since lost to Saotome's son. And it has been. We have succeeded
in pushing their minds, I know it. Your dark magic has wrought
unbreakable bonds between them."
Seiya: Its just that they are so smitten with each other that they are
unable to cope with their feelings and therefore keep pushing each
other apart with harsh words and mallets.
"Yes, I just don't understand why they resist so. Perhaps
on some instinctual level they know the end result.
Akito: Now that is even more of a bitter twist.
Maybe they're
just being stubborn. I still don't understand why we couldn't just
use a few decent lust spells. How do you think I got a son in the
first place?" Genma asked.
*HAH! say the gathered three*
Soun groaned. "Saotome, the Master has explained this
before.
"I have!" growled Thaziroth. "It must be a child born of
love, not lust. All the darkness that fills it must be mine. I
begin to
grow weary of you, both of you. Perhaps if the two of them were
orphaned, their next guardians...."
"No Master! Give us another chance, Master!" the two
men cried in unison.
"Very well. But only because I do not wish to go to the
trouble of recruiting another two fools. But no more delays. I wish
to take a true body, that I might enter this world fully. Then....
the
Earth will be mine!"
With that, Kasumi began to return to normal and collapse.
Genma breathed a sigh of relief, and saw that Soun was doing the
same.
Suddenly, Kasumi jerked up and not-Kasumi added, "And
don't forget the sacrifice. Idiots." This time Thaziroth left in
truth.
Soun turned towards Genma and smiled. "Genma, we've
been friends for a very long time."
"Yes Soun, we have."
"I treasure that friendship, I do. But just so we're clear on
this point..." Suddenly Soun did his giant demon head trick. "If we
fail because of you, I will offer up your still-beating heart to
Thaziroth and hope it will appease him!"
This was pretty much Genma's plan, except in reverse, but
he didn't say so. Instead he said, "Tendo, Tendo, my old friend.
We won't fail. We're already over half-way there. Now let's get
things cleaned up, and then go check up on our children."
Soun nodded in agreement. Together they wiped up the
room, and especially Kasumi. Making sure her memory was as
clouded as normal, they sent her out with instruction to go wash
something.
Seiya: ME! ME!
Genma briefly thought that it was sort of like having a
mobile dishwasher/telephone. Convenient, that.
Searching the house, Genma and Soun finally spotted
Akane and Ranma through a window. They were sitting by the koi
pond, talking quietly. Genma turned towards Soun and smiled a
genuine smile.
"Won't be long till our two families will be united, eh
Tendo?"
Soun nodded in agreement. "Right. And then..... the
WORLD!"
The sounds of their insane laughter carried off into the
night.
The End
Author's Note: Well, didn't you ever find Genma and Soun's
obsession with getting their children married to be just a tad
_suspicious_? Just a little?
Akito: So what do you think?
Seiya: Hilarious. Though full of excess commas. Too many commas. Way
too many commas. _Way_ to many commas. *Head does a 360 to add emphasis*
Hikaru: I didn't appreciate the running commentary throughout it, but
enjoyed the fic nonetheless.
Akito: So have you picked up on my grand scheme.
Seiya: You want us to summon Thaziroth and corrupt the Nadesico enter
a ship of evil?
Akito: I suggest we sell our souls to one with even greater power.
Hikaru: Carl Macek?
Akito: No, the great Otakami, God of Anime Fanship!
Seiya: Of course! Then we'll have the entire crew as members of the
club. And we three will be kings!
Hikaru: I'm a girl.
Seiya: Fine, then you won't be a king.
Akito: Can you see it now? It will be the Mobile Fan-Ship Nadesico!
Seiya: Of course, now we need teeth of a virgin. Akito?
Akito: Can't have mine. I need them.
Hikaru: Then lets go find some. I think I know just the person.
*As the three mysterious plotters leave the room in search of Virgins'
Teeth, a strange image appears at the bottom of the screen. Written in
a strange and foreign tongue, it reads "TO BE CONTINUED"
==
"I was so blind. Because I loved it so much, I only watched my favorite parts."
-Pilot Tenkawa Akito on Blazing Robo Gekiganger-3
When it doubt, go existential.
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