<> Indicates English
The Mail Order Groom/ Servant/ Boarder
Kuno drank the tea that Sasuke had prepared
for him. He leaned back into his chair and
looked at the kneeling ninja.
"Excellent tea, Sasuke."
Sasuke bowed his head and said,"Thank you
master.
Would you like to use my body as a foot stool?"
Kuno thought about it for a second and said,"No, I don't
think that will be necessary."
"Thank you master."
Kuno looked down at his tea and said,"Wait! This tea
isn't poisoned. Why?"
"Oh, your sister went off to see if Ranma Saotome would
go out on a date with her."
At that statement Kuno shuddered and said,"It fails me
to see how my sister has fallen under the wretch's spell.
I would smite him, but if were not for one thing..."
Kuno bolted up and yelled,"If he marries my sister the
pig-tailed girl and Akane Tendo will be mine!"
Sasuke said,"But sir a minute ago you were saying that
Saotome was a wretch?"
"Your point being?"
"Well, if you believe him to be such an awful person why
would you allow your sister to marry him?"
Kuno stroked his chin with his hand and said,"Hmmm... Well,
there would be an ethical dilema if one allowed someone they cared
for to marry someone who would only make them miserable."
Sasuke nodded his head.
"But fortunately this is my sister we are talking about. No
ethical dilema at all!" Kuno shouted triumphantly and Sasuke
face-faulted.
Sasuke righted himself and said,"But sir you do realise that
your sister can and probably will stay here as long as she likes."
Kuno said,"Yes of course. Our father wants all his victims
to live under the same roof."
"Well, if she married Ranma wouldn't that mean he would live in
the same house as yourself?"
Kuno began to think about living under the same roof as Ranma
and came to one conclusion. He stood up and raised his bokken
high into the air and shouted,"For my sister's honor we must find
her a husband more suitable than Ranma Saotome! Sasuke, fetch me
the classified ads!"
Sasuke picked up a section of a newspaper from a coffee table and
handed it to Kuno.
After looking at the paper for a minute Kuno said,"Ah ha! 'Vietnamese
Potbellied Pig'! Perfect!"
Sasuke said,"Uh, sir?"
"Yes, Sasuke?"
"I think that we should find your sister a human mate."
"I suppose so," then Kuno pointed at the newspaper and shouted,"Look
at this Sasuke! Mail Order Groom! And it only costs three thousand American
dollars to import a bi-lingual, intellectualy stimulating, well bred,
charming, tall, handsome young man from the same country that came up with
Coca-Cola and other carbonated beverages."
Sasuke said warily,"Sir, are you sure that this is alright?"
Kuno waved his hand and said,"Bah! It says right here all mail order
grooms come of their own free will. Perfectly voluntary."
"And what if they don't come of their own free will?"
"Perfectly illegal. Now, I shall contact this agency."
Sasuke said,"Uh, sir should I tell your sister about this?"
Kuno narrowed his eyes and said,"Sasuke, this is the same woman who
tried to feed me to her pet alligator when I destroyed a photograph of
hers, correct?"
Sasuke nodded his head and Kuno continued,"What type of reaction would
you expect when she finds out that I have chosen a husband for her without
her consultation?"
"Not good?"
"Precisely. Tell my sister that the man who is coming here is a servant."
Sasuke began to quiver when he said,"Wh-what? Are you firing me master?!"
"No, you idiot! We are going to pretend that he is a servant!" Kuno said
with growing impatience.
Sasuke 'oohed' and said,"Uh, sir... What if this man doesn't turn out to
be the way the ads make him out to be?"
Kuno chuckled and said,"Oh, Sasuke. You really should learn to be more
trusting. I have the utmost confidence that he will be exactly as the ads
portray him to be."
---
A short man wearing a grey suit sat down next to a little old lady on the
subway. He had curly black hair and sunken eyes with circles around them.
His lips were thin and he had more than a little facial hair. He looked
over at the old lady sitting next to him and smiled.
"<Hi there! My name's Paul Chayefsky! You might have guessed that I
ain't from around here, right? You know this is a really neat city you got
here,>" he said very quickly and didn't wait for a response "<I mean I like
New York better, but this is still a pretty nice city you got here. You
know
I came here because of my friend, Eddie, who found me a place to stay. He
said that I would just live there for free what a sweet deal, huh?>"
The little old lady said,"If you don't stop talking to me I'll get
a police officer to come and take you away."
Paul said,"<Uh, my Japanese isn't very good. Could you say that again?>"
"POLICE! POLICE! ARREST THIS MAN!" The little old lady shouted while
pointing at Paul.
Paul said to himself,"<This is definitely not good.>"
---
Paul walked out of the police station and saw a small japanese man
dressed in ninja garb standing by a bicycle. Paul waved his hand and the
ninja
walked over to him.
"I am Sasuke... And you must be...?"
Paul grabbed his hand and shook it violently. "<Paul Chayefsky. Do you
speak English?>"
Sasuke pulled his hand away and said,"<Uh, yes, but are you not supposed
to know Japanese?>"
Paul scratched his head and said,"<Yeah, you see I took a year of it so
I figured I had the language down. Imagine my surprise when I find out that
there all these words I've never heard of. So, I just stick to English from
now on. Although if you ask my sixth grade English teacher I don't know
that langauge that well either! HA HA HA!>"
Sasuke said,"<Could you please talk a little slowe->"
Paul interrupted him,"<I really gotta thank ya for comin' to get me. You
wouldn't believe it, but this old lady just started screamin' and hollern'
like this: AAAAAHHHHH! AHHHHH! Then the cops came and they took me to jail,
but they were real nice so it wasn't too bad, but that was just really
weird.>"
Sasuke blinked and said,"<Where are your bags?>"
Paul laughed and said,"<Don't got any!>"
Sasuke said,"<Nani?>"
Paul said,"What?"
"<I am sorry. Nani means what in Japanese. You did not learn that in your
class?>" Sasuke asked.
Paul scratched his head and said,"<Well, maaybe, but you see I kinda got
an F in that class.>"
Sasuke asked,"<You failed the class and you thought you knew the
language?>"
"<Well, it was a very high F.>"
"<Why do you not have any bags?>"
Paul said,"<Oh, because I thought that I wouldn't need them. Ya know I
thought you guys would buy me some new clothes and I really didn't have
much stuff to cling to besides a crappy black and white TV and a bunch of
broken
records. A lot of sentimental value, but not much use.>"
Sasuke said,"<Ah, I am sure we can find you some clothes for you.>"
"<That's nice to hear. So when do we go to the house?>"
"<Mansion actually.>"
Paul gave an evil grin and said,"<Even better.>"
As they walked down the street Sasuke studied Paul for awhile. After a
few minutes of Sasuke staring at him Paul finally asked,"<Why are you
lookin'at me like that?>"
Sasuke stopped staring and set his eyes back on the road. He said
nervously,"<It is just that you do not fit your discription entirely>"
Paul raised and eyebrow and said,"<Is that a fact?>"
"<Could you explain how that could have happened?>"
Paul said,"<Well, you see I went into this building and filled out a form
to become a boarder in this country.>"
"<Boarder?>"
"<Yeah, I don't know what word you use in your country, but it's kind of
a guy that just stays in the house for a while. Of course I'm a little
different in that I don't have to pay, but we're basically the same thing.
Get what I mean?>"
Sasuke said,"<I think so.>" But thought to himself that Americans sure
had odd concepts of what a husband was.
"<So, what you are saying is that you are responsible for the discription
in the advertisement?>"
"<Yeah, what about the ad did you think didn't fit the discritption?>"
Sasuke laughed nervously and said,"<Oh, just minor details.>"
Paul shrugged his shoulders and Sasuke continued to eye him suspiciously
as they walked down the street.
Until I find better things to write about. Ja ne.