The Muppet Show Tribute to Anime
An anime (mostly Ranma) fanfiction
by Bridget E. Wilde
The Muppets are copyright Jim Henson Productions. The various anime
depicted are also copyright their creators/distributors. Use herein is
intended as parody, and as such should not be taken too seriously.
And here I thought I'd never write in script form...
(Interior, Muppet Dressing Room. The walls are decorated with posters
of Lynn Minmei. We hear the dulcet tones (?) of Reba West singing "To
Be In Love" in the background. The door opens and SCOOTER pokes his
head in. We see he is wearing a Bubblegum Crisis blazer.)
SCOOTER: Carl Macek? Fifteen seconds to curtain, Mr. Macek!
CARL: Thank you, Scooter, I... (He is interrupted by the wall blowing
inwards.)
RYOUGA: BAKUSAI TENKETSU!
(SCOOTER and CARL gape as RYOUGA strides into the room amidst the shreds
of Minmei. SCOOTER glances quickly between CARL and RYOUGA.)
SCOOTER: Why, it's Ryouga Hibiki, sensitive yet super-strong costar of
Ranma 1/2! (Canned applause.) He'd make a much better guest star than
Carl Macek! (SCOOTER shoves CARL into the wardrobe, locking the door.)
RYOUGA: Where the heck is Furinkan High School?
(Drum roll; cut to Muppet Show logo.)
KERMIT: It's the Muppet Show Tribute to Anime! With our very special
guest star, Ryouga Hibiki! Yayyyyy! (Waves arms in air as only KERMIT
can. Logo flies up and opening music begins, subtitled so the at-home
audience can sing along.)
IT'S TIME TO PLAY THE MUSIC,
IT'S TIME TO FIGHT THE FIGHTS!
IT'S TIME FOR ANIME-FEST ON THE MUPPET SHOW TONIGHT!
IT'S TIME TO CLIMB IN MECHA,
IT'S TIME TO TRANSLATE RIGHT!
IT'S TIME TO BE OTAKU ON THE MUPPET SHOW TONIGHT!
STATLER: WHO DOES YOTSUYA WORK FOR?
WALDORF: I GUESS WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
STATLER: HE REALLY LOVES TO TORTURE
BOTH: POOR GODAI ON THAT SHOW!
BUT NOW LET'S GET THINGS STARTED
(WHY DON'T YOU GET THINGS STARTED?)
IT'S TIME TO GET THINGS STARTED ON THE
MOST SENSATIONAL,
INSPIRATIONAL,
CELEBRATIONAL,
--ANIMATIONAL!--
THIS IS WHAT WE CALL THE MUPPET SHOW!
(GONZO blows trumpet, which metamorphs into a tiny brass robot that
blows up the logo.)
(We see the curtains of the stage. KERMIT enters to canned applause.)
KERMIT: Thank you, thank you, and WELcome again to the Muppet Show.
Hey, we've got a really great show for you tonight because our guest
star is none other than the anime heartthrob Ryouga Hibiki, who we
desperately hope won't destroy the theater. (Canned applause.) And
we've got a special surprise for you because we here at the Muppet Show
are doing our Muppet Tribute to Anime! (Canned disbelieving gasps.)
Yeah! But first! A tribute to an anime sensation recently imported to
the West, performed by some of its greatest fans. So let's hear it for
-- Pretty Monster Sailor Moon! Yayyy! (Waves his arms in the air and
exits as the curtains open.... to reveal SWEETUMS, THOG, and assorted
other huge monsters in sailor suits.)
SWEETUMS: (Poses.) I am Monster Moon, the champion of justice! By the
Power of the Moon, I shall right wrongs, and triumph over evil...
(Closeup shot of his face, which is as shaggy and yellow-eyed as usual,
but has a SWEETUMS-sized tiara peeking out through the fur.) And that
means YOU!
(Camera thankfully cuts to backstage, where KERMIT is watching with
mingled fascination and disgust. He shudders and turns back to his
desk.)
KERMIT: No accounting for taste... Well, let's see, next we have... (He
blanches.) Oh no. I had forgotten about my duet with...
(He looks around for an escape route; enter MISS PIGGY, draped in a
lavender silk dressing gown.)
PIGGY: (sweetly) Why, hello, Kermie! (not quite so sweet) Going
somewhere?
KERMIT: Why... uh... no, Piggy. Of course not. (He sounds distinctly
enthused.)
PIGGY: Oh, good. You know... (She takes him in her arms and dips him,
her snout bare inches from his little green nose.) ... it is not every
night that I get to sing a pass-i-o-nate love duet with My Frog. (She
crushes him to her ample bosom.) Oh, Kermie! Do you remember the last
time this happened? Do you remember, my love? (KERMIT gurgles
incoherently; she releases him a tiny bit.)
KERMIT: Uh... Last time you sang this song, it was with Rudolf Nureyev.
PIGGY: (gazing reminiscently into the distance) Ah, yes. Dear Rudy.
He had such a nice... towel.
KERMIT: Yeah. Sure.
PIGGY: Oh, Kermie. Are we perhaps a teensy-weensy bit jealous?
KERMIT: No, I'm always this color.
PIGGY: Well... (brushes hair back from face) ... I shall see you on the
stage, my love. Now don't be late! (exits towards dressing rooms)
KERMIT: I wonder if it's too late to call in Kyle McLachlan? (RYOUGA
enters through alley door.) Why, it's Ryouga Hibiki! (Canned
applause.)
RYOUGA: Where the heck am I?
KERMIT: Hi, Ryouga, I'm Kermit -- welcome to the Muppet Show!
RYOUGA: (doubletakes) A talking frog? (The gears are visibly churning
in his head; finally he produces a kettle out of Kettlespace (tm) and
pours it over KERMIT.)
KERMIT: Gaaah!
RYOUGA: Huh. He's really a frog. I must have been hearing thi--
KERMIT: Of course I'm a frog! Did you think I was a lobster?
RYOUGA: ...you can talk.
KERMIT: Hey, this is nothing. You should see me tap dance.
RYOUGA: ...
KERMIT: Say, since you're here and all, how about going out on stage
and doing a few numbers?
RYOUGA: Sorry, I was never that good at math...
KERMIT: No, I mean dance, or sing, or -- hey, you could do this next
act. Piggy�s number. I was going to do it myself, but it's such a great
number...
RYOUGA: (glowing dangerously) What did you call me?
KERMIT: No, I don't mean you. I mean Miss Piggy, she's our star...
(RYOUGA relaxes a bit.) Come on, how often do you get the chance to
perform in a quality variety show, to commune with the muses, to produce
something tasteful and artistic... (The monsters in sailor suits troop
by; KERMIT pauses, then:) Okay, let me rephrase that. How often do you
get to do weird, sick things on stage and have it broadcast to millions
of at-home viewers? You can share a dressing room with Gonzo...
RYOUGA: (Momentarily intrigued.) The chimp who went to college?
KERMIT: No, that�s Bonzo.
RYOUGA: Whatever. Look, pal. I've got a duel to the death that I'm
six days late for. Now, do you know how to get to Furinkan High?
KERMIT: No, but if you hum a few bars I'll join in...
RYOUGA: (sweatdrop on his head) Okay, how about just showing me the way
out of here?
KERMIT: (points to the door RYOUGA came in) Right that way.
RYOUGA: Thanks, frog. (Heads in opposite direction -- towards stage.
KERMIT doesn't notice, as he is looking over the papers on the desk.)
KERMIT: I suppose I could let that Macek guy out of the wardrobe on the
condition that he sings with Piggy...
(BEAUREGARD enters from the direction of the stage, carrying a dripping
mop.)
BEAUREGARD: I finished doing what it was that you told me to do, Mr.
Kermit.
KERMIT: I told you to do something?
BEAUREGARD: Yeah... You told me to, to get the floor all wet.
KERMIT: Uh, no, Beauregard. I said you were all wet.
BEAUREGARD: Oh. (Thinks about this really hard for about ten seconds.)
I guess I should probably go and put away that bucket of cold mopwater I
left out there, maybe.
KERMIT: Probably. (There is a splash from offscreen, and a loud
BWEEEEE!) Sounds like Miss Piggy's getting a trifle impatient... I
suppose I could send out Lew Zealand...
(Cut to stage. MISS PIGGY is sitting on the edge of a huge Roman bath,
wrapped in a lavender towel. She looks steamed.)
PIGGY: If that frog doesn't get here soon, I'm gonna staple his
flippers to the wall...
(P-CHAN noses the door open and grunts his cute little way over to the
edge of the bath. PIGGY spots him and scoots a bit away; P-CHAN is
apparently oblivious to her presence.)
PIGGY: Look, pal, if you're from Swine State University, I'm not going
to make a donation, so if you don't quit sending your goons...
(P-CHAN jumps into bath and comes out a deliciously naked RYOUGA --
well, at least we can assume he is deliciously naked; this is U.S.
Network TV, so we can only see from the waist up. He is still facing
away from PIGGY and has not noticed her. As he reaches for a towel...)
PIGGY: Holy guacamole! (Eyes him as he wraps the towel around his
waist; camera pans back so we can see his --alas!-- draped body. PIGGY
inches over next to him.) Well, hellooooo gorgeous!
(RYOUGA freezes, slowly turning until he sees PIGGY. A look of utter
horror crosses his face and he falls back against the edge of the tub.)
RYOUGA: A t... talking... pi... pi... pi.... I'm outta here!
(Turns to flee, but PIGGY halts him with an iron-fist-in-a-lavender-
satin-glove.)
PIGGY: But sweetie, you just got here!
RYOUGA (singing) I REALLY CAN'T STAY... (Throughout the song,
RYOUGA is pursued around
PIGGY: BUT BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE! the tub by PIGGY, who is
very, um, affectionate.
RYOUGA: I'VE GOT TO GO 'WAY... RYOUGA is kept from
escaping by her firm hold
PIGGY: BUT BABY, IT'S COLD OUTSIDE! on the edge of his towel.)
RYOUGA: THE EVENING HAS BEEN...
PIGGY: BEEN HOPING THAT YOU'D DROP IN!
RYOUGA: SO VERY NICE...
PIGGY: I'LL HOLD YOUR HANDS, THEY'RE JUST LIKE ICE...
RYOUGA: MY MOTHER WILL START TO WORRY...
PIGGY: BEAUTIFUL, WHAT'S YOUR HURRY?
RYOUGA: MY FATHER WILL BE PACING THE FLOOR...
PIGGY: DON'T BE SUCH A TERRIBLE BORE!
RYOUGA: SO REALLY I'D BETTER SCURRY...
PIGGY: BEAUTIFUL, PLEASE DON'T HURRY!
RYOUGA: WELL, MAYBE JUST A LITTLE WHILE MORE...
PIGGY: PUT SOME RECORDS ON WHILE I LOCK THE DOOR!
RYOUGA: I'VE GOT TO GET HOME...
PIGGY: BUT BABY, YOU'D FREEZE OUT THERE!
RYOUGA: SAY, LEND ME A COMB...
PIGGY: YOU'D COUGH AND YOU'D SNEEZE OUT THERE!
RYOUGA: YOU'VE REALLY BEEN GRAND...
PIGGY: I THRILL WHEN YOU TOUCH MY HAND!
RYOUGA: BUT DON'T YOU SEE...
PIGGY: HOW CAN YOU DO THIS THING TO ME?
RYOUGA: THERE'S BOUND TO BE TALK TOMORROW...
PIGGY: THINK OF MY LIFELONG SORROW...
RYOUGA: AT LEAST THERE WILL BE PLENTY IMPLIED...
PIGGY: ...IF YOU CAUGHT PNEUMONIA AND DIED!
RYOUGA: I REALLY CAN'T STAY...
PIGGY: OH, BABY, DON'T HOLD OUT!
BOTH: AH, BUT IT'S COLD... OUT... SIDE!
(As the song draws to a close, RYOUGA decides that not even his modesty
is worth this. He rips away -- and offscreen -- leaving his towel in
PIGGY's grasp; there is a loud crash. The camera pans back to reveal a
RYOUGA-shaped hole in the tile wall. Cut to closeup of PIGGY, who
addresses the camera.)
PIGGY: I once had a Hello Kitty doll that changed colors in hot water.
(Pause) I like this better. Ryoooooooogie! Sweetheart! (Jumps down
and rushes out the hole after him. Music ends with a flourish.)
(Cut to backstage. KERMIT is still studiously not going on stage.
PIGGY enters, somewhat out of breath; she cranes her head to look around
the backstage, then starts to look under things -- hanging curtains,
flats, crates, KERMIT's feet. With that last one, KERMIT notices her.)
KERMIT: Piggy, what on earth are you doing?
PIGGY: Kermie, have you seen that dear boy you sent out to do the
number with moi?
KERMIT: Sent out to... Oh, *that* dear boy... Nope, haven't seen him.
PIGGY: ... perhaps a small black pig?
KERMIT: What, is your cousin visiting from the country?
PIGGY: (to herself) He got away. What a pity. (To KERMIT) Well, if
you should happen to find him, be a dear frog and send him up to my
dressing room with some hot chocolate. (PIGGY flounces off, peeking
anywhere a small black pig might be hiding.)
KERMIT: (not noticing RYOUGA entering from the alley door) Whew! That
Hibiki fellow just saved my bacon...
RYOUGA: What?! (looms over KERMIT, who shrinks against the intercom)
KERMIT: Gaahhh! Can you quit with the battle aura already? All I said
was that you saved my bacon out there...
RYOUGA: Look, just quit with the pig jokes, all right?
KERMIT: Um... fine, I guess, though I wasn't actually...
(Now that RYOUGA is not fuming, he looks embarrassed, as if there's
something he wants to ask, but is afraid to. Finally, he picks KERMIT
up by the collar, bringing him up to face height.)
RYOUGA: Um, frog... Mister Frog, I mean. What I want to know is,
well... what happened to me out there?
KERMIT: Hey, you were a hit! The audience loved you!
RYOUGA: THAT'S NOT WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT! (calmer) Okay, let me start
a bit earlier. I was heading out the door to get to my duel, when for
some reason I found myself in a bathroom, on stage, with a sow in
lingerie. (He pauses briefly.) That, I can handle. I've seen weirder.
What I want to know is... well, when I was out there, I was... singing.
KERMIT: ... and?
RYOUGA: And? Why the hell was I singing some lame American showtune?
Heck, I'd never even heard of it before!
KERMIT: Oh, that. It's a genre thing.
RYOUGA: Genre?
KERMIT: Yeah. You know how where you're from, girls can summon mallets
out of nowhere, and everybody screams out nifty catchphrases when they
do their special moves? That's one of those anime genre things.
Anyhow, once you came on this show, you entered the variety show genre.
That makes everybody who comes on the show display previously-unknown
performing talents at the drop of a hat. For some reason, they all end
up being pretty good, too. Except for Michelle Pfeiffer, I'm not sure
what happened with her...
RYOUGA: So I could start singing again at any time?
KERMIT: Yep.
RYOUGA: And there's no telling when?
KERMIT: Yep. F'rinstance, try whirling around once. Go ahead, right
now.
(RYOUGA looks dubious, but whirls around. Instantly his traveling
clothes change to a finely cut gold tuxedo; his bandanna changes to a
glittery top hat, and his umbrella becomes a cane that he whirls once,
flashily, before tucking it under his arm. He begins to sing and tap
dance, as a spotlight focuses on him.)
RYOUGA: ONE.... SINGULAR SENSATION,
EVERY LITTLE STEP HE TAKES (tappity tappity tap)
ONE.... THRILLING COMBINATION,
EVERY MOVE THAT HE MAKES....
(Suddenly RYOUGA'S face contorts, and he flings down his cane, which
transforms back into his umbrella; the lights fade, and he is himself.
He stares at his trembling hands in shock.)
RYOUGA: (softly) The horror... the horror...
KERMIT: Don't worry, you'll get used to it.
(Cut to stage curtains. RIZZO THE RAT enters, looking around
surreptitiously.)
RIZZO: How very for-tew-it-ous. An empty stage... Now then, since the
frog ain't puttin' anythin' out here right at this particular time, I
wanted to introduce the next act, starrin' my cousins Bertha and Lucy,
and I wanna tell ya, they worked real hard on makin' this as authentic
and close to the original source material as possible. So here they
are, straight from the sewers of Brooklyn... The Really Dirty Pair!
(exits)
(Curtains open to reveal two RATS, presumably female, dressed in skimpy
outfits and carrying guns that are bigger than they are, which they
proceed to wave around and shoot, with highly explosive results. After
a bit of this, they pause in their mayhem to pose seductively. Well,
seductively for rats. They speak in heavy Brooklyn accents.)
RAT 1: Hey, Kei?
RAT 2: Yeah, Yuri?
RAT 1: What are we s'posed to be doin' on this mission, anyhow?
RAT 2: I dunno, Yuri... Let's just blow some more stuff up!
RAT 1: (shrugs) Okay!
(Cut to the wings, where CRAZY HARRY is gleefully setting off his
all-purpose plunger detonator, cackling maniacally. (Hey, what do you
expect? He's CRAZY HARRY.) The stage is lit with blasts of TNT,
Gelignite, PBXN-105, and other common special effects. Cut back to
stage, where the RATS have stopped to pose again.)
RAT 1: Hey, Kei?
RAT 2: Yeah, Yuri?
RAT 1: So, why do they call us th' Dirty Pair, anyways?
RAT 2: I dunno, Yuri... When was the last time you took a bath?
(Cut to backstage. KERMIT is looking over some papers on his desk.
GONZO enters from stage left.)
GONZO: Kermit! Kermit, I've GOT to talk to you!
KERMIT: (resigned) What, Gonzo?
GONZO: Well, I've got this great idea for a new act.
KERMIT: (sighs) What is it, asks the frog with a feeling of impending
doom.
GONZO: Okay, picture this. (Spreads out hands dramatically.) The
curtain opens. There I stand, worn traveler in a desert wasteland. I
brandish my hairy... (Looks down.) ... okay, fuzzy chest... take a deep
breath, and... YA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA-DA!
(His hands wiggle frantically in time with his voice. At last he falls
silent, gasping for breath.)
KERMIT: (After a long pause.) ...And?
GONZO: (Matter-of-fact.) Heads explode.
KERMIT: (Another long pause.) You mean the audience?
GONZO: No, of course not. (Shrugs.) Unless my aim is off. I call it
"The Great Gonzo's Exploding Fists of the North Star in G Major." I do
it to Beethoven's...
KERMIT: (Interrupts.) Gonzo, I hate to say this, but not on my show, not
in my lifetime. (Exits towards stage.)
GONZO : (After him.) But exploding heads are ART!
(RYOUGA enters from upstairs, looking lost. (So what else is new?))
RYOUGA: Damn! How did I end up here again?
GONZO: Hey! It's Ryouga Hibiki! (Canned applause.) Say, Mr. Hibiki, do
you know how to make heads explode?
RYOUGA: (Absently.) No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll join in...
(Wanders off stage left.)
GONZO: Hey, watch out for that...
(*SPLASH* BWEEEEE!)
GONZO: ...Water cooler. Not to mention that...
(*CRASH*)
GONZO: ...Sandbag. (Shrugs as scene fades.)
(Cut to the SWEDISH CHEF'S Kitchen. The SWEDISH CHEF is standing behind
his counter, wearing a sushi chef's happi coat and a rising sun
headband. To one side is a large cauldron of boiling water. To the
other there is a huge mound of various vegetables, fruit, and assorted
unrecognizable ingredients. The theme music plays...)
CHEF: (Clicking chopsticks in each hand, rather like castanets, as he
sings.)
EUN DI SVERN DE VOON, BEDISKE DUU
YAE BORK VEY UNE DE SVEY N
BORK BORK BORK!
(Throws chopsticks behind him, watching as they knock a few woks off the
wall. Folds hands.)
Eun di svern de Swete und Sor Poerkie.
(Nods excitedly.)
Ya! Sva dern du Poerkie!
(Pulls out cage from behind counter. Inside is an unconscious P-CHAN.)
Ien Svern de Swete und Sor Poerkie, sva du Poerkie in du sve Poerkie
Pot.
(Humming, takes P-CHAN out of the cage and tries to stuff him in the
pot. Fortunately, P-CHAN awakens at the last moment and struggles free
of CHEF'S grasp, running off stage right. CHEF addresses camera.)
Un di sva du svern du Poerkie escapern, sva du lehn du Bluenderbuess.
(Pulls out ancient-looking musket and lets fly stage right. We hear an
angry BWEEEE! CHEF runs off stage after him, waving musket. Shortly
thereafter, P-CHAN sneaks back onstage. The CHEF'S hand extends in from
stage left, holding a candy bar. CHEF'S voice comes from offscreen.)
Heeeer, PoerkiePoerkiePoerkie!
(CHEF moves onscreen, revealing a huge mallet behind his back.)
Heer, Poerkie!
(Whacks at P-CHAN; P-CHAN leaps to avoid blow - but lands in pot of
boiling water. A red-hot RYOUGA leaps out with a shriek, landing so the
pot conceals his naughty bits. CHEF is aghast.)
Eun de svern du sva du... Poerkie? (Looks closer.) Eun NEI sva du
Poerkie, eun sva du Beefcaekie! (Quivers in confusion.)
RYOUGA: (Still in shock) That... was... HOT! (Sudden realization jolts
through him.) I'm onstage. I'm... (Looks down.) naked. (Shrieks again
and runs off stage left.)
CHEF: (Scratching head and looking very, very sad.)
Eun du sva nei du Poerkie.
(Sighs.)
Na u svein du sva...
(Notices veggies and regains animation.)
Ya! Ya! Eun svae du svern!
(Replaces pot of boiling water with frying pan. Begins to pile things
in pan - cabbage, eggs, potatoes, a struggling lobster, black olives, a
watermelon, and a few unrecognizable roots. Heaves mallet over head,
and... *WHACK!* The well-splattered CHEF tosses the mallet over his
shoulder, and gingerly lifts from the skillet the flat round mass that
was crushed beneath the mallet, presenting it proudly.)
Eun di svern du OKONOMIYAKI.
(CHEF'S closing horn riff plays. Cut to STATLER and WALDORF'S box.)
STATLER: What does Okonomiyaki mean?
WALDORF: I think it means, cooked the way you like it.
STATLER: Who would like THAT?
WALDORF: Well, the pig, of course! (Both burst into geezerly guffaws.)
(Cut to PIGGY�S dressing room. She is sitting at her dressing table,
primping. As she admires herself, RYOUGA enters through the wardrobe.)
RYOUGA: Funny... How did I get here from that wintry forest with the
lamppost?
PIGGY: (Noticing him.) Why, Ryogie! How kind of you to visit!
RYOUGA: (Looking sick.) Oh, no, not you again... (He is about to leave,
but PIGGY stops him with a gentle-but-firm hand.)
PIGGY: Oh, I do hope you�re not too put out by how forward I was during
our number. You do know I was only acting...
RYOUGA: You were?
PIGGY: Of course, _mon cherie_! My heart belongs to but one frog.
(Looking RYOUGA up and down.) Not that I mind a good scenic view, but...
(Shakes her head and gestures towards the couch.) Do sit down. (RYOUGA
does so, nervously. PIGGY returns to her toilette and continues.) I�ve
never met a guest star who turned into a pig before... it�s quite a
talent!
RYOUGA: (Bursting out.) It�s a curse, I tell you! A curse!
PIGGY: (Looking slightly offended.) A... curse?
RYOUGA: (Fervently.) Yes, a curse! Look at me, every single time I get
splashed with cold water, I turn into a pig! One of the smelliest, most
disgusting creatures on this planet! (PIGGY gasps in fury; RYOUGA takes
no notice.) I can�t go near the restaurant district without fearing for
my life! Farmers get hold of me, and I end up penned with the other pigs
in slimy mudholes, fed banana peels and garbage, never knowing if the
big, fat sow next to me is going to take a liking to me. I hate the
squealing noise I make, I hate the feel of my ugly pig hooves on the
pavement, I hate my curly little tail, and most of all I hate running
into big ugly girl pigs with love on their minds! It�s absolute
torture...
PIGGY: (Who has been visibly steaming during the entire speech,
interrupting.) You want some torture? I�ll give you torture! HIIII-YA!
(Performs her infamous karate-chop; RYOUGA flies through the air and
smashes flat into the wall, sliding down into a crumpled heap. PIGGY
brushes back her hair from her face as RYOUGA staggers to his feet.)
RYOUGA: (Holding head.) Wow... That was... some serious power there!
(Looks incredulously at PIGGY, who is smug.) How did you do that?
PIGGY: Oh, it was nothing. Just the merest sample of... Pig-Fu.
RYOUGA: Pig-Fu?
PIGGY: You would call it the _buta-ken_, dear. I have a pink belt in
the technique. (Aside to camera.) They offered me red, but it didn�t
match my _gi_.
RYOUGA: (To himself.) Ranma could never last through a blow like that.
(To PIGGY.) Would you be able to teach that to me?
PIGGY: Why, of course! But the real question is, are you ready to learn?
RYOUGA: ...?
PIGGY: My dear boy, to master the ancient art of Pig-Fu, you must not
only be fit in body... (Poses.) ...as I am... but you must also be at
one with your Pig Nature. You must learn not only to accept your
Pigness, but to revel in it. To wallow in it, as it were.
RYOUGA: (Obviously torn.) Wallow... in my Pigness?
PIGGY: Yes; without that, the technique holds no power.
RYOUGA: (Thinks for a moment, then clenches fists in determination.)
With this technique, I�m sure I can beat Ranma! I have to do it, for the
sake of my honor! (Turns to PIGGY and bows.) I�ll do it... Sensei.
PIGGY: Oooo! You speak French! (RYOUGA facefaults.)
(Cut to the Muppet Labs clock, its hands spinning erratically. Camera
pans back to show a greatly enlarged Muppet Labs. DR. BUNSEN HONEYDEW
and BEAKER stand at the front of the cavernous space, which is mostly
occupied by a huge, organic-looking spaceship.)
BUNSEN: Hello! I'm Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs, where the
future is being made today.
(BEAKER meeps.)
Well, my assistant Beaker and I are just atingle with excitement about
our newest invention. How often have you had a visit from an
extraterrestrial friend whose spaceship was too big to fit into your
teensy little five-car garage? Now, with Muppet Labs' Superdimensional
Spaceship Transducer (tm)...
(Holds up a box studded with buttons and dials.)
...you can say toodly-binky-boo to all your parking problems. Beakie,
if you would attach the receiver...
(BEAKER takes a small blinking globe and sticks it to the hull of the
ship. Meeps.)
Thank you. Now, with the Superdimensional Spaceship Transducer (tm), all
you need to do is push this red button...
(Does so. Ship disappears, leaving RYO-OH-KI sitting in the middle of
the huge floor.)
RYO-OH-KI: MYAAAAAAA! (Blinks adorably.)
BEAKER: MEEP! (BEAKER begins to pet RYO-OH-KI.)
BUNSEN: ... And the unwieldy spaceship conveniently transforms into a
cute, cuddly pet, requiring nothing but a carrot now and then for
maintenance. And, when your friend is ready to leave...
(Pushes a green button and spaceship reappears, on top of BEAKER.)
BEAKER: MEEP! MEEP MEEP!
BUNSEN: ... And your spaceship is returned, good as new. (Notices
BEAKER.) Why, Beakie! Whatever are you doing down there? That
spaceship is very expensive! Be careful!
BEAKER: MEEPMEEPMEEPMEEPMEEP!
BUNSEN: Just hold your horses, Beaker. (To camera.) And, what's best of
all, you can even select the animal your spaceship turns into. So if
you have a preference for cute little kitties...
(Fiddles with knobs, and presses red button. Spaceship disappears,
leaving a huge man-eating TIGER.)
BEAKER: MEEP!!!!!
(TIGER begins to chase BEAKER around the lab.)
BUNSEN: Oh, dear.
(Fiddles with knobs and pushes green button. TIGER is replaced by the
TARDIS. BEAKER runs for a moment more, then stops, gasping for breath.
BUNSEN fiddles with some more knobs, and pushes the red button. The
TARDIS is replaced by a GIANT SQUID, which picks BEAKER up in its
tentacled grasp and waves him around.)
BEAKER: MEEP, MEEEEEEEEP!!!
(BUNSEN fiddles some more, but the handset starts smoking, and several
knobs pop off. One hand goes to BUNSEN'S mouth as he contemplates the
destroyed handset, then BEAKER'S plight. Then BUNSEN tosses the handset
aside, turning to the camera.)
BUNSEN: Um... That's all for today from Muppet Labs. (Turns back to
SQUID.) Now, you put him down! Naughty spaceship! Naughty!
(Cut to Veterinarian's Hospital set. Vet's Hospital Moody Music plays.
Piggy is in among the equipment, hands in surgery robot control gloves,
voguing. The surgery robot vogues with her. The effect is very
Masamune Shirow... if he drew pigs.)
ANNOUNCER: Time once again for Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing
stooooooory of a hyper-intelligent mad scientist who's gone to the dogs.
(Piggy notices the audience, and stops posing, dropping the gloves with
an expensive-sounding crash. She hurries over to the operating table,
where DR. BOB and NURSE JANICE await her.)
DR. BOB: Well, nurse, who�s our next patient?
JANICE: This little piglet, sir. (pulls back blanket to reveal P-CHAN.)
DR. BOB: (Inspects P-CHAN closely.) Hmmm. What seems to be the trouble?
JANICE: Well, Dr. Bob... (Brings out kettle and pours hot water over P-
CHAN. RYOUGA appears, modestly covered by the blanket.) Just look!
DR. BOB: Aha! So it�s true � men *are* pigs!
JANICE: No, Doctor Bob. Cold water *makes* him a pig.
DR. BOB: Whoa. Instant Shakespeare!
PIGGY: Shakespeare?
DR. BOB: Yeah � just add water, and you have a Hamlet! (PIGGY, JANICE,
and DR. BOB laugh uproariously; RYOUGA looks confused.)
RYOUGA: (To PIGGY, accusingly.) I thought you said we were going to work
on wallowing in my Pigness!
PIGGY: And that is exactly what we are doing. You are ashamed of your
Pigness. To overcome that shame, you must first learn to laugh at your
Pig Self.
RYOUGA: I don�t know if I can do that...
DR. BOB: What, laugh at your Pig Self?
RYOUGA: No, laugh at these jokes! (PIGGY, DR. BOB, and JANICE groan.)
PIGGY: I know it�s difficult, but you must try to join in our humor.
RYOUGA: You mean I need to ham it up? (PIGGY, JANICE, and DR. BOB laugh.
RYOUGA looks like he is surprised at himself, then oddly pleased. He
chuckles a bit.)
DR. BOB: (To Piggy.) So, you�re training him to be a pig despite his
lowly state of birth... It reminds me of a play I saw once.
PIGGY: What play was that?
DR. BOB: Pigmalion! (PIGGY, JANICE, and DR. BOB laugh again. RYOUGA
joins in at the end, a look of almost-understanding crossing his face.)
JANICE: Like, *wow*, Dr. Bob. Didn�t that become "My Fair Lady?"
RYOUGA: (Deadpan.) I dunno, did they pour hot water on it? (He bursts
out laughing; the others watch him in silence. When he notices this,
RYOUGA shuts up.)
DR. BOB: (To RYOUGA.) Say, are those fangs I saw?
RYOUGA: Yes, why?
DR. BOB: Well, with those teeth, and you turning into a pig and all, I
thought you might be Porkula! (ALL laugh hysterically, including
RYOUGA.)
PIGGY: (aside to RYOUGA) Go ahead, make a pig joke!
RYOUGA: Do I have to? Can�t I just joke about other stuff?
PIGGY: Gaze into the abyss, dear. Don�t tapdance on the edge.
RYOUGA: But... I... (Shakes head in denial.) No! I can�t!
JANICE: Oh, come on, just one little pig joke?
RYOUGA: (Snapping.) When pigs fly! (There is a long silence as RYOUGA
realizes what he just said; the others watch him intently. At last:)
DR. BOB: Aha! I�ve finally figured out what�s wrong with him!
JANICE: Rilly, Doctor Bob? What is it?
DR. BOB: Swine flu. (They all burst out in hysterical laughter. The
announcer cuts in:)
ANNOUNCER: ...And so we come to the end of another Veterinarian�s
Hospital. Tune in next week, when you�ll hear Doctor Bob say:
DR. BOB: So it�s rough being a pig, huh? Tell us about it!
RYOUGA: (Singing.) NOBODY KNOWS... THE TRUFFLES I�VE SEEN... (They all
burst out in even yet still more hysterical laughter as the camera pans
back.)
(Cut to the stage curtains. GONZO enters to canned applause.)
GONZO: Well, I had had a wonderful act lined up for tonight, a real
triumph of artistic sensibility, but since (directs voice offstage) SOME
PEOPLE IN THIS THEATER DON�T KNOW ART WHEN THEY SEE IT (normally again)
I have created the following bit of light comedy to appeal to the
plebeian tastes of the masses. I hope you�re all satisfied.
(Exits. Curtains open to reveal a Japanese-style living room looking out
on a garden with a pond. SAM THE EAGLE is sitting at a table with three
CHICKENS facing him. SAM looks fairly uncomfortable.)
SAM: (Under his breath.) This had better be cultural. (Addressing the
CHICKENS in a stiff and formal voice.) My children, I have called you
together for a very special announcement: The son of a dear, dear friend
is coming today, and it would make me very proud if one of you were to
marry him. It has always been our dream that one day we would unite our
families... (Doorbell rings. SAM feigns surprise badly.) Why, that must
be him now!
(Enter GONZO. He is wearing a red shirt with a mandarin collar and frog
closures down the front. (Guess who he�s supposed to be?))
SAM: (Looking appalled.) What are you doing here?
GONZO: Oh, I�m the son of your dear, dear friend. The name�s Gonzo.
(SAM�s beak gapes open in shock. GONZO notices the CHICKENS.) Whoa,
who�re the cute chicks?
SAM: (Coming to himself.) Oh, uh... These are my daughters: Cashew,
Beaky, and Camilla. (The CHICKENS each bow in turn, shyly.) Choose
which one you want. She�ll be your new fiancee.
GONZO: Wow! Such a deal! But before I do that, I think there�s
something you ought to know. You see, when you splash me with cold
water... (Does so. He turns into a chicken.) Bawk, bawk bawk bawk! (He
splashes himself with hot water and changes back.) See?
SAM: (Aghast, in an aside to GONZO.) This is supposed to be cultural?
GONZO: (Aside to SAM.) Trust me, Sam. The original is in a foreign
language. It�s been SUBTITLED.
SAM: Subtitled? Oh, well then, it must be high art. (Clears throat.) Oh,
my son. To think you have been afflicted by this terrible curse.
(Flings his wingtips melodramatically to his forehead.)
GONZO: Are you kidding? I think it�s cool! Not to mention coming in
handy when I�m in the mood for an omelet.
SAM: Then what, may I ask, is the problem?
GONZO: (Shrugs.) My mom�s trying to kill me.
SAM: (In horror.) No!
GONZO: (Excitedly.) Yeah! She wants me to commit seppuku! Isn�t it neat?
See, she�s had dreams for me, dreams that she feels now cannot be
fulfilled...
(Suddenly the living room is lit by flashing colored lights; a mirror
ball sinks into sight from above as disco music begins. SAM gapes in
disbelief as the three CHICKENS start to boogie. GONZO pulls out a
policeman�s hat from Hatspace (tm), putting it on with a flourish. The
CHICKENS gather around him and start clucking in tune with the music�s
driving beat. Suddenly SAM is wearing leather biker�s gear, chains and
all. A number of other Muppets enter � LINK wearing the clothes of a
construction worker, SCOOTER in a sailor�s white uniform, FOZZIE in a
cowboy�s chaps and vest, and ANIMAL wearing an Indian headdress and a
loincloth. They line up behind SAM, who has settled into a sullen,
disapproving glare, and sing and dance as backup.)
GONZO: (Singing.) MY MOTHER JUST WANTS ME TO BE A MACHO, MACHO MAN -
BUT WITH A CHICKEN�S BODY, MY HEAD SHE�LL SOON DEMAND!
SEE ME IN THE SUN I�M � LEAN AND MEAN!
BUT IN THE RAIN IT LOOKS LIKE � I�M A QUEEN!
MOM CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I�M A MACHO MAN,
SO SHE�LL LOP MY HEAD OFF ANY CHANCE SHE CAN!
/GONZO & GUYS: HEY! HEY! HEY HEY HEY!
\CHICKENS: BAWK! BAWK! BAWK BAWK BAWK!
ALL: MACHO, MACHO MAN,
I�VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN!
MACHO, MACHO MAN,
DEAD IF I�M NOT A MACHO!
(GUYS continue as backup. ANIMAL is eyeing the chickens hungrily.)
GONZO: BODY! (BODY!) I CAN CHANGE MY BODY!
(BODY!) MAKE IT STRANGE, MY BODY!
(BODY!) IN THE RAIN, MY BODY!
(BODY!) WHAT A PAIN, MY BODY!
(BODY!) WHAT A CURSE, MY BODY!
(BODY!) EVEN WORSE, MY BODY!
(BODY!) LAYS AN EGG, MY BODY!
(BODY!) MAKES ME BEG, MY BODY!
YOU CAN TELL A MACHO, HE LIKES TO LOOK AT CHICKS!
GAZING AT THEM BATHING IS HOW HE GETS HIS KICKS.
(Puts his arm around one of the chickens, who gazes at him adoringly.)
NOW I�VE FOUND CAMILLA � I�M A KING!
MY NEW DAD, MR. EAGLE (Points at SAM.)� DIG HIS CHAINS!
YOU CAN BEST BELIEVE THAT I�M A MACHO MAN!
NOW IF MY MOTHER THOUGHT SO, LIFE WOULD BE SO GRAND!
/GONZO & GUYS: HEY! HEY! HEY HEY HEY!
\CHICKENS: BAWK! BAWK! BAWK BAWK BAWK!
ALL: MACHO, MACHO MAN,
I�VE GOT TO BE A MACHO MAN!
MACHO, MACHO MAN,
DEAD IF I�M NOT A MACHO!
ANIMAL: (Shouting over the others as they repeat the refrain.) Macho!
Macho! Macho!
(The song draws to a close, with them all striking dramatic 70�s-ish
poses. SAM puts his wingtip over his eyes, shaking his head miserably.)
(Cut to PIGGY�S dressing room. RYOUGA is sitting cross-legged on PIGGY�S
table, hands resting palms-up on his knees. His eyes are closed, and he
seems to be meditating. PIGGY stands next to the table, watching him.)
PIGGY: Now, Ryogie, I need you to relax... Breathe deeply... Now. Begin
the mantras I taught you.
RYOUGA: (Reciting.) I love summer showers, I love pretty flowers, but
most of all I love mud for hours, I love, love, love being a pig... (His
face twists in agony.)
PIGGY: Careful there... Control yourself...
RYOUGA: (Takes several more deep breaths.) I�m okay. Just... lost my
head there a bit. I can go on.
PIGGY: Please, do. The next one will be fine, you can go back to that
when you�re ready...
RYOUGA: Okay... (Eyes closed again, reciting.) What is the sound of one
pig wallowing?
PIGGY: Good, good...
RYOUGA: (Reciting.) I�d rather be a pig than a fascist...
PIGGY: Too true...
RYOUGA: (Reciting.) A pig that don�t fly ain�t nothin� but a pig...
PIGGY: Very, very good, dear. You are making swift progress towards
true pigness. Are you ready for another test of your ability?
RYOUGA: I... I can try.
PIGGY: (Looking inscrutable.) There is no try. Do, or do not.
RYOUGA: ...
(Cut to a familiar field of stars.)
ANNOUNCER: Now it�s time for... Macross: Pigs... In... Spaaaaaaace!
(A couple of poorly-done "comets" streak across the sky to dramatic
chords; the Pigs In Space music plays.)
Starring the inscrutable Captain Link "Hogthrob" Gloval...
(LINK�S face appears; he has a naval Captain�s hat over one eye and a
pipe in his mouth. The face moves to one side)
The inexplicable teen popstar Pig Minmei...
(MISS PIGGY�S face appears, her blond hair done up in Chinese buns. She
smiles ravishingly and poses as her face glides off the other side of
the screen)
And the ineffable Doctor Langpork...
(DR. LANGPORK�S face appears. His eyes have no whites. His face,
too, moves offscreen, its expression mysterious. Camera cuts to the
viewport of the Swinetrek bridge. As it pans back...)
When we last left the SDF Swinetrek, they were in the rings of Saturn,
expecting contact from their mysterious enemy at any moment...
(The camera completes its pan. LINK is sitting in the Captain�s chair,
pipe in his mouth. The cap is still over his eye. He sighs deeply,
taking the pipe out of his mouth.)
LINK: Ah, the loneliness of command! The unending sameness of eternal
space... (He places the pipe back in his mouth as the door beeps,
heralding the entrance of DR. LANGPORK.)
DOCTOR: (In his familiar German accent) Good news, Captain! We managed
to salvage your favorite restaurant, Dog �N Swill!
LINK: Oh, good! I just *love* their Swill Supreme, don�t you?
DOCTOR: Yah, that one�s a real zinger... That�s the last of the
restaurants, then.
LINK:...And we have my hair salon?
DOCTOR: Of course! We did that first thing.
LINK: Good, maybe I can take this hat off someday...
DOCTOR: I dunno, captain. It looks kinda dashing.
LINK: (Preening.) Do you really think so?
DOCTOR: Yah, real commanding-like.
LINK: Hmmm... I do have a certain... _je ne sais quoi_. And I know
exactly what it is, too... Well, if we�ve gotten all of the essential
businesses on board, I suppose we can move on to whatever�s left.
DOCTOR: Okey-dokey! (Beeps a communicator-looking thing on his chest.)
Ensign? You can get started on the accountants, lawyers, and
governmental buildings. (A muffled squawking comes from the
communicator.) No, no! Don�t let them out of the shelters yet, for
Pete�s sake! Just get the stuff. (More squawking.) No, not yet. I�ll
tell him right now. (To LINK.) Captain, you remember that doohickey
that sent us out here?
LINK: (Nods knowingly.) The fold whatchamacallit.
DOCTOR: Yah, well, it�s gone. (Shrugs.)
LINK: (Panicking.) Gone? Gone?!? What do you mean, gone?
DOCTOR: Oh, don�t worry. I think some of the young folks took it out
for a joyride. You know kids.
LINK: (Melodramatically.) But how will we get home? We�ll be in space
for months, nay years! Oh, the tragedy of it all!
DOCTOR: (Leans in close and stage-whispers.) But Link, remember: no more
lines at the Dog �N Swill. You can even order up to the bridge.
LINK: Hmmm... You may be right, Dr. Langpork. Tell the crew to set a
course for Earth... nice and slow.
(The door beeps open. In troop a number of RABBITS, led by BEAN BUNNY.)
LINK: Hey, what are you doing here?
BEAN: Oh, we�re the Bridge Bunnies. (Rest of RABBITS nod in agreement.)
We�re here to look adorable, cower when danger strikes, and give the
show some much-needed cuteness appeal.
LINK: But you�re not pigs. This is the SDF Swinetrek!
BEAN: (Draws his cute little fuzzy self up proudly and points at a
poster on the wall.) Equal Opportunity for Enlistment, buster. Bunny
discrimination is against the law. (RABBITS all nod. LINK shakes his
head in resignation.)
(The door beeps open again, but nobody enters, though the cast on the
bridge watch expectantly. We hear RYOUGA and PIGGY stage-whispering in
the hall.)
RYOUGA: Do I HAVE to wear the snout?
PIGGY: Of course you do! You�re supposed to be a pig! You can�t talk
when you�re P-chan.
RYOUGA: But I...
PIGGY: Do you wanna master Pig-Fu or not?
RYOUGA: (Glumly.)...yes.
PIGGY: Then GET OUT THERE!
(RYOUGA stumbles through the door. He is wearing a sharp RDF uniform,
and has a fake pig�s snout over his nose. He looks lost for a moment,
then strides up to LINK, saluting.)
RYOUGA: Lieutenant Pork Hunker reporting for duty, Captain!
LINK: (Nodding.) Good, good. What have you got to report?
RYOUGA: Sir, the enemy ships are approaching. I believe they are about
to make contact...
(As if on cue (�duh!) the viewport changes from a field of stars to an
almost-human face. It is CARL MACEK, half of his face and what we can
see of his body covered with black circuitry. As one, everybody on the
bridge gasps in horror, turning to look at the camera.)
ALL: OH, NO! MACEK OF BORG!
CARL: (Without emotion.) The Swinetrek will be assimilated. Resistance
is futile. You will all be assimilated. Your voices will be dubbed,
your names changed. You will all become part of the Macek Collective!
LINK: (Hiding behind RYOUGA.) Isn�t he just icky? Help, Lieutenant
Hunker! Do something! (He is shaking with fear. RYOUGA stands straight
and tall.)
RYOUGA: Ha! He will never be able to stand up to our secret weapon...
Pig Minmei!
(PIGGY appears at the front of the bridge, in a spotlight. Her hair is
in the buns still, and she is wearing a cheongsam. She looks rather
like a silk sausage.)
PIGGY: (singing) STAGE FRIGHT, GO �WAY,
THIS IS *MOI�S* BIG DAY,
THIS IS *MOI�S* TIME TO BE A STAR!
AND THE THRILL THAT *MOI* FEELS IS REALLY UNREAL...
(When she starts singing, MACEK OF BORG doubles over in agony, clutching
at his ears... as does everybody else on screen. However, within
moments MACEK seems to be recovering, and as PIGGY concludes her song,
he looks at our heroes with arrogant amusement.)
CARL: You forget, foolish fleshlings. I CAST REBA WEST!
(PIGGY flees to RYOUGA�S side, huddling against him in fear. By this
time everyone on the bridge is hiding behind RYOUGA.)
BEAN: Help us, Mr. Hunker! We don�t wanna be dubbed! (RABBITS nod.)
RYOUGA: What am I supposed to do about it? I�m just the guest star!
LINK: I had hoped that this moment wouldn't have come in my lifetime...
DOCTOR: (Suddenly remembering something.) Hey, Link! Remember that new
thingamabob I was working on?
LINK: You mean... (Dramatic chord.)
DOCTOR: Yes, I do! It�s time to test it out. (Another dramatic chord.
There is a long pause in which nobody moves.)
LINK: (At last.) So how does it work?
DOCTOR: Oh, sorry, Link. All you have to do is pull this lever... (He
is about to pull the lever when LINK stops him with a firm hand.)
LINK: Wait, Doctor Langpork. That's one of the Captain's controls. *I*
will pull the lever.
DOCTOR: But I invented it! I should get to pull it.
LINK: But I'm the captain...
(As they argue, PIGGY stomps over to the console and pulls the lever
herself. The camera begins to move to simulate the Swinetrek shaking,
while the various denizens of the bridge stagger around clumsily.)
(Cut to the external shot of the Swinetrek. The ship is shifting in
space... changing... When it at last completes its transformation, it
looks remarkably like a metal pig.)
LINK: (Voiceover.) So now what do we do?
DOCTOR: (Voiceover.) I dunno. I didn't get any further than the
transformation. You gotta admit, though, it looks super neat-o!
ANNOUNCER: Will the Swinetrek survive the encounter with Macek of
Borg, or will they be processed like so much spam? Find out next
time on Pigs... In... Spaaaaaaace!
(Cut to curtains. KERMIT enters to canned applause.)
KERMIT: Well, for those of you who�ve been watching a bit too much
Gundam, here�s something that�ll cheer you up � Ladies and Gentlemen,
our furry funnyman, Mr. Fozzie Bear!
(Exit KERMIT. Curtains open to reveal FOZZIE�s zoo background. FOZZIE
comes onstage, hat in his hand.)
FOZZIE: Hiya hiya hiya! Here I am, Fozzie Bear, with anime jokes both
old and rare. (Silence from the crowd. Beat, then:) Hey, didja hear the
one about the guy who was pushed in the spring of drowned twins?
(Pause.) He was beside himself with anger! AaaAAAaa! And how about the
guy who was pushed in the spring of drowned frog? He got hopping mad!
Get it? Hopping mad! Oh, I am so funNEEE! (Ears wiggle.)
STATLER: (From box.) Do they have a spring of Drowned Genius Comedian?
FOZZIE: (Blankly.) No, why?
WALDORF: Well, we just thought there might be some hope for you.
(STATLER and WALDORF burst into geezerly laughter.)
FOZZIE: (Getting flustered.) C�mon guys, can�t you be constructive once
in a while?
STATLER: Just consider this a MST. (Both burst out in more geezerly
laughter.)
FOZZIE: Whatever. (Faces audience again.) Hey! The other day Ataru
Moroboshi was walking down the street and this guy comes up to him and
says he�s got something that can neutralize Lum�s lightning bolts.
�Really?� says Ataru. �How much do you want for it?� And the guy says
�No charge!� Get it? No CHARGE? Wocka Wocka Wocka!
Okay: Ranma walks into a bar, and he sees Pantyhose Tarou sitting there
looking mean, and he says: �Hey there, Pantyhose!� and Pantyhose says,
�Can�t talk now, gotta run!� AaaaAAAAAaaaa! Hey, and then after he
leaves � this is so funny! � after he leaves, Ranma just looks after him
and says �Darn that Pantyhose!� Oh, the bear is rolling now! (Ears
wiggle.)
STATLER: What about Pantyhose�s shorter brother?
FOZZIE: Huh? Who�s Pantyhose�s shorter brother?
WALDORF: Thigh-High! (Even yet still more geezerly laughter.)
FOZZIE: (Shaking head, then going on.) Hey! Didja hear there�s plans for
an Inu-Yasha TV show? Yeah, anime is really going to the dogs! Wocka
wocka!
WALDORF: It�s better than going to the bears!
FOZZIE: ...?
STATLER: Yeah, it might end up like your act! (More laughter.)
FOZZIE: Hey! Speaking of bears, did you hear about the time Genma got in
trouble for his political lobbying? He was accused of pandering to local
officials. Get it? PANDA-RING! Well! That�s all the jokes for tonight.
Until next time � don�t take any wooden yen!
(FOZZIE exits to his usual riff. Cut to box.)
STATLER: That last joke was unBEARable.
WALDORF: Well, at least it was the last joke. As it is, we�re BEARly
alive. (Both burst into a final round of geezerly laughter.)
(Cut to PIGGY�S dressing room. RYOUGA is on the table again, meditating.
He seems to glow with power waiting to be unleashed. PIGGY faces him,
her expression proud.)
PIGGY: You have done well, Ryogie. You have grown closer and closer to
mastering the art of Pig-Fu. Now, it is time for the final test of your
will. Are you ready?
RYOUGA: I�m ready! I know it! Now I can go home and beat Ranma at last!
PIGGY: (A little annoyed.) There you go again, babbling about that silly
feud. There is more to Pig-Fu than fighting. It is an art.
RYOUGA: Yeah, I know. But beating Ranma is all I�ve worked at for
years! It�s a matter of honor!
PIGGY: Well, be that as it may. There is but one more test which will
prove you worthy of wielding Pig-Fu... Are you sure you�re ready?
RYOUGA: I�m ready, I really am!
PIGGY: In that case... (Leans over to RYOUGA and whispers in his ear.
His expression changes from eager to sick, then horrified.)
RYOUGA: (Faintly.) Are you sure that�s the only way to do it?
PIGGY: Very sure.
RYOUGA: No turning back now... I will not fail you! (He rises to his
feet, fists clenched in determination.) I WILL MASTER PIG-FU!
(Cut to the stage. It is set up with the ELECTRIC MAYHEM�S equipment,
lots of brightly colored lights, a disco mirror ball, and a huge pink
neon sign that says "RYOUGA," the "O" shaped like the head of a pig.
The ELECTRIC MAYHEM are scattered about the stage on platforms trimmed
with pink mylar fringe. FLOYD is cool stage right in red sequins,
strumming idly on his guitar. JANICE is beside him, dressed in a
matching outfit. ZOOT is stage left, in a black suit trimmed with blue
sequins, gazing moodily at his sax. DR. TEETH is set up with his piano
on a higher platform, his orange-and-green-striped outfit glittering, as
does his gold tooth. ANIMAL is upstage center, in his familiar scruffy
tanktop and pants (Would *you* want to try getting him in sequins? I
thought not.); he beats randomly on the drums with his head, obviously
impatient.
RYOUGA himself stands at the front of the stage, dressed in a sequin-
adorned leisure suit, open halfway down his chest, with several gold
chains around his neck. He is standing before a microphone, looking
very uncomfortable. In his hand is a piece of paper.)
FLOYD: Hit it!
(The ELECTRIC MAYHEM break into a jazzy, lounge-act-ish intro; after a
few measures, RYOUGA steps up to the mike and begins to sing, his face
red. He consults the paper in his hand frequently.)
RYOUGA: (Singing.) IF YOU LIVE IN A BARNYARD,
IF YOUR MOTHER�S A SOW,
IF YOU SLEEP ON MANURE � DON�T ASK ME HOW!
IF YOUR EYES ARE QUITE TINY,
AND YOUR EARS VERY BIG,
YOU CAN BE FAIRLY CERTAIN
WHAT YOU ARE IS A PIG!
ELECTRIC MAYHEM: (Singing.) PIG PIG PIG PIG
PIG PIG PIG PIG
PIG PIG PIG PIG PI-IG, PIG!
(RYOUGA seems to be starting to get into it; he sings the second verse
with a great deal more animation, barely looking at his lyrics sheet.)
RYOUGA: IF YOU LIKE TO DIG TRUFFLES
OUT FROM UNDER THE GROUND,
IF YOU LIKE TO MAKE NOISES,
OINK�S YOUR FAVORITE SOUND.
IF YOU SLEEP THROUGH THE MORNING
EVERY CHANCE YOU CAN RIG,
THERE�S NO NEED TO QUESTION
WHAT YOU ARE IS A PIG!
ELECTRIC MAYHEM: PIG PIG PIG PIG
PIG PIG PIG PIG
PIG PIG PIG PIG PI-IG, PIG!
(The lyrics sheet flutters to the ground as RYOUGA takes the microphone
from the stand, moving stage right. He is really getting into the
music, singing with lots of energy and feeling.)
RYOUGA: IF YOU LIKE TO PUSH GARBAGE
ALL AROUND WITH YOUR NOSE,
IF YOU LIKE TO FEEL MUD OOZE UP BETWEEN YOUR TWO TOES,
IF YOUR TAIL IS ALL CURLY,
BUT NOT ALL THAT BIG,
THEN DON�T BOTHER TO WONDER �
YOU CAN BET YOU�RE A PIG!
ELECTRIC MAYHEM: PIG PIG PIG PIG
PIG PIG PIG PIG
PIG PIG PIG PIG PI-IG, PIG!
(The music modulates; RYOUGA has recovered entirely from his shyness and
discomfort, and is singing confidently, addressing the audience, a
slight, rakish smile on his face.)
RYOUGA: IF YOU WALK IN YOUR BREAKFAST,
IF YOU SIT IN YOUR LUNCH,
IF YOU ROLL IN YOUR DINNER,
THEN I�VE GOT A STRONG HUNCH
YOU�RE NO MUSKRAT OR BEAVER,
NO TOMATO OR FIG
THERE�S NO NEED TO QUESTION,
I�M GONNA TELL YOU THE TRUTH OF THE SITUATION
WHAT YOU ARE, MY FRIEND
-MIGHT AS WELL FIND OUT NOW! �
WHAT YOU ARE-
WHAT YOU ARE IS A PIG.
WHAT YOU ARE IS A PIG! OH, YEAHHHH!
(The song ends on a triumphant note. RYOUGA stands at the forefront of
the stage, tears of joy running down his face as he basks in the waves
of canned applause. He holds up the microphone in triumph, and bows his
head.)
(Cut to a shot of the curtains. Enter KERMIT.)
KERMIT: (In an Ed Sullivan voice.) Well, we had a really pig shoooow for
you tonight, and we couldn't have done it without our wonderful guest
star, Ladies and Gentlemen, Ryouga Hibiki!
(Enter RYOUGA, to lots and lots of canned applause. He is still in his
costume from the last number, and tears are still running down his
face.)
RYOUGA: Thank you, Kermit. I can honestly say that I have found an
acceptance here (sniffs.) that I have never dreamed of. I have at last
found my true calling.
(PIGGY swoops onstage.)
PIGGY: You mean, you'll stay? You'll give up this silly little feud of
yours and join our little family?
RYOUGA: Of course! How could I not? That's just a battle of honor.
This... is the life for me. I just have to make a couple of phone
calls... I'm sure Akane and Akari will understand.
KERMIT: Oh, there's a payphone right out in the alley.(RYOUGA exits
stage left.) Anyhow, that's all for tonight, so we'll see you next time
on the Muppet Show!
(Closing music plays. The Muppets mill around onstage as the music
continues. As the music draws to a close, PIGGY and KERMIT begin to
look around in some confusion. Drum roll.)
PIGGY: Why, where could dear Ryogie have gone off to? I *do* hope he
hasn't gotten lost...
(Far away, in the schoolyard of Furinkan High School, a lone figure
raises his head to the sky and howls...)
RYOUGA: WHERE THE HECK IS THE MUPPET SHOW THEATER?!?
(Final measure of closing music. Zoot blows the sax.)
THE END
AUTHOR'S NOTE:
Am I evil, or what?
The first tidbits of this fic were written more than a year ago, when I
was still finishing up my degree. Due to the many events of the last
year, it got put aside with the rest of my fanfics; however, in my
recent spurt of *gasp* productivity, I finally gave this another go.
I have been a fan of the Muppets longer than I've been a fan of anime;
besides growing up with Muppets on Saturday night, in my high school
days I used to watch the Muppets daily, as Chicago's Very Own Channel
Nine used to play it at 6:00 am weekdays. I taped those episodes on
Beta. The obsession continued to the present day. (I was tempted to
have cameos by some of the Muppets Tonight! characters, but since not
all have experienced it, I restrained myself.) Muppets and anime are my
two main obsessions (other than my hubby and child) so it was inevitable
that I should one day combine them.
For those who are wondering, the truly formative moment of this fic was
the Pig-Fu idea. The rest of the fic is gravy.
For those whose favorite anime and/or Muppets were not included, I do
apologize. For the Muppets, I tried to fit in everyone I had an idea
for, but some just didn�t work out. As for the anime, I was limited to
those which I knew well enough to parody, and which weren�t too obscure.
I also wanted to keep the �fic about the "length" of a Muppet Show
episode, so I tried not to go *too* crazy.
Special thanks go to Gary Kleppe, for providing the best/worst of the
jokes (especially the Swine Flu joke); Krista Perry, for procrastinating
from finishing Hearts of Ice with this as her companion, and of course
my husband Jamie, for egging me on in my evilness.
As for credits...
The "Baby, It's Cold Outside" sketch originally appeared on the Rudolf
Nureyev episode of the Muppet Show. The lyrics are copyright 1948,
renewed 1976, Frank Music Corp. and are from "Neptune's Daughter," which
originally starred Esther Williams. Thanks go out to my mom for finding
the lyrics and all this exciting info about it, and for not asking too
many questions. I'm not sure she wanted to know why I needed it...
"Pig" originally appeared on the Alan Arkin episode of the Muppet Show.
The lyrics are, appropriately, copyright Alan Arkin.
"One" is from the musical "A Chorus Line." Didn�t look up the copyright,
but it isn�t mine.
"Macho Man" belongs to the Village People, God have mercy on their
souls. It was on the Muppet Show at one time (done by Link and Gonzo)
but not sure which episode � it�s on the "Muppet Hits Take 2" album.
The bit about summer showers and pretty flowers is from a Sesame Street
song, which appears (for those who care) on the video "Sing, Hoot, and
Howl."
I have also liberally borrowed from various other Muppet Shows,
including the Star Wars Gang episode.
I have taken numerous liberties with all of the above. Hooray for the
freedom of parody, and fair use.
No Muppets were harmed in the production of this fic.
